Things I Learned at the Movies

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

If somebody's pregnant, the pregnant person always survives. That's a sure-fire way to survive a horror movie - be at least three months pregnant.

Especially useful to know if you're British and trapped with a group of Americans because otherwise you've got no chance of getting out in one piece, might as well commit sucide and save the serial killer/monster the trouble.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

If somebody's pregnant, the pregnant person always survives. That's a sure-fire way to survive a horror movie - be at least three months pregnant. Having sex is a nono, but being pregnant... that's fine. As long as you don't mention it took having sex to get to that point.

Because in Hollywood, pregnant women never get hurt. And there's no such thing as a miscarriage.

On any given flight that experiences turbulence (including snakes, terrorists and really angry lightening), there's at least one (usually male) hero, one pregnant women, one incredibly cute kid and one token black man. The cute kid will survive, along with the pregnant woman.

Speaking of which... There are no ugly kids, unless you need one for comic relief. Then they're usually fat as well.

If you have a tiny cough at the beginning of the movie, it is a signal that you are sick with something terrible and will likely die by the end. Especially bad if you are appearing in a period piece, and are the heroine. Extra points if you are in an opera/musical.

Never play hide-and-seek in a haunted house.

Nobody using a computer ever uses a mouse. Ever.

When someone catches on fire, they will always run around screaming, making the fire bigger, insuring that they will die a horrible, skin blistering death. No one will remember "Stop, drop and roll". In the case of Denethor from LOTR, you have someone who dropped (off a cliff), stopped (due to the laws of physics) but didn't roll.
It will be a rare occasion that someone tries to help someone who's burning to death. (The Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz is the only one I can think of.)

No matter how much technological weaponry characters have at their disposal, at least one of them will prefer to use a samurai sword.

There is no such thing as an asexual character, and if it is, the character is made out to be a psychopath/nerd/retard in dire need of sex and likely a backwaxing.

Melissa wrote:

It will be a rare occasion that someone tries to help someone who's burning to death. (The Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz is the only one I can think of.)

Except when it would be funny. See: South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut where Cartman starts beating Kenny with a stick and freaks out when the stick catches fire, and Kung Fu Hustle, where the gang boss tries to light a cigar and his hair lights up because of all the gel, and his henchman tries to put it out with the closest liquid, which happens to be a flask of whiskey, and makes the boss's entire head get engulfed in flames.

The ugliest most horrible looking women in the world all wear glass and their hair in ponytails. And when they take off those glasses and let down those ponytails, they are all hotties.

Maximilia wrote:

The ugliest most horrible looking women in the world all wear glass and their hair in ponytails. And when they take off those glasses and let down those ponytails, they are all hotties.

Don't forget that they also wear jeans and t-shirts! But once they start wearing short skirts and slutty low-cut shirts, they're gorgeous.

There is no such thing as unrequited love. If you find someone attractive, you are in love with them and they will eventually fall in love with you. If the main character is female, her love interest will have a bitchy, slutty girlfriend that tries to ruin the main character's life while cheating on her boyfriend. If the main character is male, his love interest will have a douchebag boyfriend who cheats on her all the time. But no matter what, eventually the two will get together and live happily ever after.

Fairlight wrote:

No matter how much technological weaponry characters have at their disposal, at least one of them will prefer to use a samurai sword.

Or just a sword in general.

KGarrett wrote:

Fairlight wrote:

No matter how much technological weaponry characters have at their disposal, at least one of them will prefer to use a samurai sword.

Or just a sword in general.

And on a related note, handguns will always outperform every other firearm--a glock 18 hits harder than a riot gun, has a better ammo capacity and rate of fire than a SAW, and will allow you to put a bullet down the scope of that putz with the anti-tank rifle.

Swords and staffs will, if weilded in the hands of a hero, deflect not only bullets but also lasers.

If a group of people go to a dangerous place, only one of them will survive, probably a girl. Sometimes two will survive, but it's rare.

Occasionally, none will, but that's even rarer.

If you are terminally ill at the start of the movie, you will die anyway - but not from the illness. You'll get stabbed or eaten or something. This is because it doesn't matter if you die because you were gonna die anyway.

But if you are in a wheelchair, you will survive because writers still think this is original.

All mental illness involves psychosis. And handwaving, and talking to yourself.

And killing people - but if you're a serial killer nobody ever mentions the words 'mental illness' (or any even vaguely medical term) except in saying, "You're crazy".

Hacking, and indeed all computer work, is done in binary.

Explosions are really quite slow.

All AI WILL turn against it's master or go insane in some other manner. Crapshoot with loaded dice.

People ALWAYS keep gambling after they've won a jackpot, no one ever just takes what they have and goes home.

Electron Blue wrote:

People ALWAYS keep gambling after they've won a jackpot, no one ever just takes what they have and goes home.

This is actually a pretty accurate depiction of real life. People never know when they've pushed it enough.

But what IS only true in movies is that people are constantly betting it all on the 00s.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Electron Blue wrote:

People ALWAYS keep gambling after they've won a jackpot, no one ever just takes what they have and goes home.

This is actually a pretty accurate depiction of real life. People never know when they've pushed it enough.

But what IS only true in movies is that people are constantly betting it all on the 00s.

Not only that, but everyone who has a sure-fire "system" for winning will win.

In Nevada, we have a word for people like that - "suckers".

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

But if you are in a wheelchair, you will survive because writers still think this is original.

You must have not seen Friday the 13th Part Two

SokMunkie wrote:

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

But if you are in a wheelchair, you will survive because writers still think this is original.

You must have not seen Friday the 13th Part Two

Or the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

My bad. I was thinking of Alien 4: Resurrection. Where the French guy in the wheelchair is one of the survivors.