Things I learned from television

If your spouse, sibling, child, parent, co-worker, or neighbor is murdered, you will naturally come under investigation. The correct thing to do is be as uncooperative as you can. If police ask to come into your home, the correct response is, "Do you have a warrant?" Under no circumstances should you ever say anything like, "Of course, Detective, I'll answer your questions: I want to get to the bottom of this as much as you do." Instead, be stubbornly resistant. Any question touching on where you were or what you were doing when your relative/friend/acquaintance died should be met with either "We're done here" or "This conversation is over." All these things apply whether you are guilty or not.

Cactus Wren wrote:

If your spouse, sibling, child, parent, co-worker, or neighbor is murdered, you will naturally come under investigation.

Well, yeah. Most investigations focus on the family and then work outward from there in the victim's social circle. It's a probability thing.

Quote :

If police ask to come into your home, the correct response is, "Do you have a warrant?"

Actually, this is true.

Quote :

Under no circumstances should you ever say anything like, "Of course, Detective, I'll answer your questions: I want to get to the bottom of this as much as you do." Instead, be stubbornly resistant. Any question touching on where you were or what you were doing when your relative/friend/acquaintance died should be met with either "We're done here" or "This conversation is over." All these things apply whether you are guilty or not.

*cough* Pretty much, yeah. Keeping your trap shut is the most sound legal advice available anywhere.

There isn't a problem in the world that can't be solved by buying some gadget advertised on a late night infomercial. Thinning hair, erectile dysfunction, bad skin, grooming your dogs nails-someone, somewhere has invented the cure for it. And it can be yours for only three payments of $29.95 plus S&H. Plus, if you act now, you'll get a second version of whatever it is you're buying free!

My and Morgan's personal favorite is the wraps for your feet that supposedly draw all the toxins out of your body while you sleep.

I saw the best one recently, it was perfect for the zombie apocalypse. It was a chainsaw on the end of a six foot pole. I want.

Rabid Badger wrote:

My and Morgan's personal favorite is the wraps for your feet that supposedly draw all the toxins out of your body while you sleep.

I actually tried those (Picked some up at Big Lots). I stopped after two days because my feet felt all sweaty and hot and made it hard to sleep.

• It doesn't matter how much of a loathsome human being you are or how badly you fold, spindle and mutilate the rules and ethics of your job, as long as you're really really good at it, you can keep your job as long as you want it.
  
  
• Torture works. Always.
  
  
• Male prisons are full of two groups of prisoners: Ass-raping race warrior gang members and the innocent.
  
  
• All a criminal has to do to get a free pass on his crimes is claim to have info on terrorists.
  
  
• Teenagers are fucking. All of them. The only ones who aren't are the ones who are miserable because they aren't.
  
  
• Men come in three flavors: Pudgy buffoon, Preening jerkass (Frat boy if young, Ted Baxter if older), and violent lout.
  
  
• Women come in three flavors: Virginal twit, slut, and ball breaker.

Freezer wrote:

Teenagers are fucking. All of them. The only ones who aren't are the ones who are miserable because they aren't.

Hey, that sounds an awful lot like my teenage years.

Cactus Wren wrote:

Under no circumstances should you ever say anything like, "Of course, Detective, I'll answer your questions: I want to get to the bottom of this as much as you do." Instead, be stubbornly resistant.

From what I knew about cop shows when I was a kid, I thought it'd be amazing to be a cop just because you get to do the coolest stunts with your car. I mean come on, epic semi truck chase scenes, exploding gas tanks, and an ending where CRIME DOESN'T PAY? It's a six year old's wet dream.

Oh and cops are apparently stupid enough to tell a crack dealer while they're undercover that they want 5 kilos of the stuff. No suspicion there, because CRIMINALS R DUM

If you are a blonde teenage girl, your best friend will either be black or Latina. And she will be sassy. Oh, boy, will she ever be sassy.

Mary Sue wrote:

If you are a blonde teenage girl, your best friend will either be black or Latina. And she will be sassy. Oh, boy, will she ever be sassy.

And she'll call you "girlfriend" a lot.

Cactus Wren wrote:

Mary Sue wrote:

If you are a blonde teenage girl, your best friend will either be black or Latina. And she will be sassy. Oh, boy, will she ever be sassy.

And she'll call you "girlfriend" a lot.

And she'll motion with her hands a lot, it'll be like a tornado when she gets angry.

Freezer wrote:

Male prisons are full of two groups of prisoners: Ass-raping race warrior gang members and the innocent.

And a third group: Totally guilty douchebags who end up getting ass-raped by the warrior gang members, and it's totally hilarious because they SOOO DESERVE IT. This third group is notorious for only making very sporadic appearances, usually at the end of an episode after they've spent a lot of time evading capture.

Cactus Wren wrote:

Mary Sue wrote:

If you are a blonde teenage girl, your best friend will either be black or Latina. And she will be sassy. Oh, boy, will she ever be sassy.

And she'll call you "girlfriend" a lot.

Willow Rosenberg, Summer Roberts and Blair Waldorf are not amused.

Penguin wrote:

*cough* Pretty much, yeah. Keeping your trap shut is the most sound legal advice available anywhere.

But not to the point of making you look guilty when you're not.

All the above leads to:

Never answer simple questions, especially when the answer will make the cops go away. They'er lying when they say they don't care about anything not directly involving the case they're handling.

Besides, watching them pick part your life to find out what you're hiding is doubly fun when the answer is "nothing."

Its perfectly okay to not wear your hair up when you're working in a crime lab, or are a police officer on duty. Or an FBI agent. Even though long hair is burdensome and would serve much better put up and out of the way in case you need to take someone down.

How else would you show off your pretty hair?

Oh, and if you're being interrogated, the wrong answer is always I DON'T KNOW! It doesn't matter how hard you scream it, Jack's going to torture that knowledge into you, you terrorist fuck.

Penguin wrote:

Oh, and if you're being interrogated, the wrong answer is always I DON'T KNOW! It doesn't matter how hard you scream it, Jack's going to torture that knowledge into you, you terrorist fuck.

Well of course. They always do know it, the filthy ragheads/chingchongs/wops/limeys.

Basically, if Jack Bauer thinks you're guilty, you are.

And you know, the sad thing is that I'm actually okay with that. But then again, I'm perfectly aware that 24 is to counter-terrorism as WWE is to hand-to-hand combat.

Me too, actually. I'm as left wing as they come, but I will be shouting "TORTURE THAT BASTARD TERRORIST" for the entire duration of 24. It's like getting to watch a cheesy action movie every week XD

Freezer wrote:

Besides, watching them pick part your life to find out what you're hiding is doubly fun when the answer is "nothing."

Yeah, don't they have a charge of 'wasting police time' in the US?

Lexin wrote:

Freezer wrote:

Besides, watching them pick part your life to find out what you're hiding is doubly fun when the answer is "nothing."

Yeah, don't they have a charge of 'wasting police time' in the US?

"Obstruction Of Justice" - and that's only if you knowingly mislead or outright lie to the cops. Saying nothing can be a douchebag move, but the Fifth Amendment says that's your right.

Freezer wrote:

Lexin wrote:

Freezer wrote:

Besides, watching them pick part your life to find out what you're hiding is doubly fun when the answer is "nothing."

Yeah, don't they have a charge of 'wasting police time' in the US?

"Obstruction Of Justice" - and that's only if you knowingly mislead or outright lie to the cops. Saying nothing can be a douchebag move, but the Fifth Amendment says that's your right.

I didn't know that. The UK has a charge of 'wasting police time' - which (I understand) means exactly what it says on the tin. I gather that if you make the police pick apart your life in a murder investigation when you could have answered their questions and quickly squared away the issue, you may be charged with it.

Best explanation of the CSI Effect EVER.

This would be why my biology professor used to joke that CSI stood for Certified Semen Inspector.