Things I learned from television

If you're on a Federation Starship, and someone attacks you with no provocation whatsoever, then someone else offers you protection, you can guarantee that it will turn out that the people who attacked you in the first place are actually the good guys, and merely mistook you for a threat, while the people you're currently siding with are actually the bad guys who have been slaughtering the good guys for decades.

Cunovendus wrote:

Speaking of cars, they are actually worthless in America. If your car is smashed by someone falling from a building, or in an accident caused by a car chase, or hit by a stray rocket in a random gun fight, this can be safely ignored.

Also no one ever dies as a result of any of that.

littledorrit wrote:

The school nerds are sweethearts. They will always be nice to you. They will never change seats without a word if you try to talk to them about things you know THEY'RE interested in. They will never wheedle your standardized test scores out of you so that they can engage in a one-upmanship tournament based on them. They will never call you "special Olympian" because, though verbally gifted, you have a visual processing disorder. They will never make a burn book. They will never refuse to go to alternative prom with you. They will never brag about their parents and siblings who went to Ivy League colleges just to make you feel inferior. They will never make comments about your family being poor. They will never utter the sentence, "I know my circle doesn't seem diverse from the outside, but that's just because I make ALL my friends in Academic Team, Mock Trial, Model U.N., and my classes - AP classes."

Glee
Freaks and Geeks
The Simpsons
Degrassi: The Next Generation
Etc.

Similarly, there is an inverse relationship between social skills and academic performance. If you are smart and get good grades, you are awkward and completely mystified by other human organisms; if you're popular then you're barely literate, sexually active and likely destined for minimum wage.

Also, the correct formula for a family sitcom consists of three children: a 'jock,' a 'brain' and a 'misfit' (or a catch-all for a placeholder character with few defining characteristics). There must also be two parents, one of whom plays the 'kook' (usually male) who has the responsibility of providing comedic relief through crazy antics, while the other (usually female) is long-suffering, rolls their eyes and loves said spouse for their kookiness .

If TV were true, the NFL would have gone west years ago due to all the quarterbacks ending up flipping burgers for a living.

GeorgeUK wrote:

If TV were true, the NFL would have gone west years ago due to all the quarterbacks ending up flipping burgers for a living.

lol - and on a somewhat related note, I've also learnt that your probability of getting a good job is directly proportional to your academic ability - we are not living in a capitalist environment, and there is no such thing as supply-and-demand-of-skills. Employers actually care about academic abilities, and are definitely not only interested in your experience and your social skills.

Therefore, if you are clever and well educated but lack social skills, you don't have to worry, for you're guaranteed a good job in a high profile business, while the dumb but charismatic moron will spend the rest of his life flipping burgers. In fact, there is no unemployment problem at all, and all unemployed people are either chasing a dream (hence unemployed by choice) or work shy bums who wouldn't know what hard work is.

TV taught me that it's easy to booby trap a house and outsmart burglars when you're 10 years old.

Eeveegou wrote:

TV taught me that it's easy to booby trap a house and outsmart burglars when you're 10 years old.

And also no one ever dies as a result of any of that.

There are three kinds of women's panties: Thongs, boy/booty shorts and "granny panties" (read: everything else).

Or was that "things porn has taught me?" Still works, though.

[Inspired by rewatching the MST episode Squirm]

Sheriffs in small towns come in four flavors:

1. A laid back gentleman with a thick local accent.
   
2. A hapless stooge of the local rich, evil guy.
   
3. A hardass who hates "strangers" on sight.
   
4. A Grand Wizard
   

Real hackers don't need mice. Everything is done by typing.

WD40 wrote:

Real hackers don't need mice. Everything is done by typing.

All hackers type 60 WPM with no errors.