Things I learned from television

kryceksangel wrote:

No matter how many times a car flips, no one is injured or dies.

Unless it explodes.

And if it is a finale or premiere - you know that it will.

Did you ever watch the A-Team? Cars explode all the time, and people never die.

...or do they? I don't remember it ever actually happening.

The school nerds are sweethearts. They will always be nice to you. They will never change seats without a word if you try to talk to them about things you know THEY'RE interested in. They will never wheedle your standardized test scores out of you so that they can engage in a one-upmanship tournament based on them. They will never call you "special Olympian" because, though verbally gifted, you have a visual processing disorder. They will never make a burn book. They will never refuse to go to alternative prom with you. They will never brag about their parents and siblings who went to Ivy League colleges just to make you feel inferior. They will never make comments about your family being poor. They will never utter the sentence, "I know my circle doesn't seem diverse from the outside, but that's just because I make ALL my friends in Academic Team, Mock Trial, Model U.N., and my classes - AP classes."

Glee
Freaks and Geeks
The Simpsons
Degrassi: The Next Generation
Etc.

The Scientist wrote:

Did you ever watch the A-Team? Cars explode all the time, and people never die.

...or do they? I don't remember it ever actually happening.

Cars always explode. When someone shoots a car, even if it's in the door and the car has been parked for ages, whether it's run out of gas or not, the car will explode.

kleine_kat wrote:

The Scientist wrote:

Did you ever watch the A-Team? Cars explode all the time, and people never die.

...or do they? I don't remember it ever actually happening.

Cars always explode. When someone shoots a car, even if it's in the door and the car has been parked for ages, whether it's run out of gas or not, the car will explode.

Damn right they will!

And in most cases, people will walk out without a stretch. Unless the show/film is supposed to be dramatic/ dark and gritty, then, at least the villains will get (more or less seriously) battered.

The USA from a British perspective.

Everything in the US is an exact number of dollars. Groceries, taxi cab fares, even newspapers. I don't recall a single time when the guy, (or gal), hands over his/her bills and waits for change. None of this x.99p we have in the UK.

The most dangerous profession in the US is that of market staller with a fruit stand. Job applicants must be able to jump out of the way of car chases several times a week.

The slightest bang and someone will throw themselves over a railing.

Everyone who lives in a New York suburb does so in a brownstone. Those on Manhattan island live in apartments the size of aircraft hangers.

If you're a character on a cop or detective show, be very wary of your old friends or respected mentors. Any old friend or respected mentor who turns up after a long period will be the murderer.

But, of course, anyone who died in a hail of bullets during a super-trouper, wah-waaah, stake-out will have either left a trail that will lead you to your bad guy, or will have a locker at the train/bus station with all you need and leave you the ticket in his will.

Ahh, the eighties!

Cactus Wren wrote:

If you're a character on a cop or detective show, be very wary of your old friends or respected mentors. Any old friend or respected mentor who turns up after a long period will be the murderer.

Or he's trying to atone for the fact that he's responsible for the murderer still being around (through corruption or incompetence).

Summercorn wrote:

But, of course, anyone who died in a hail of bullets during a super-trouper, wah-waaah, stake-out will have either left a trail that will lead you to your bad guy, or will have a locker at the train/bus station with all you need and leave you the ticket in his will.

Ahh, Blue Bloods!

Fixed that for you!

Freezer wrote:

Likewise, murder trials go from arrest to verdict in a month; six weeks, tops.

LOL! And they quite often rely on one single decisive piece of evidence being presented at a critical moment, that will quell any doubts as to the person's guilt, and result in an immediate "guilty" verdict.

It is also fairly common, when questioning a witness, to ask them something that they find difficult to answer. Should this happen, you do not have to wait for an answer, but may cut them short by sitting smugly, folding your arms and saying "I rest my case".

The most obvious direct approach never solves a problem. You must first try 4 or 5 methods that threaten to exacerbate the issue, but don't despair; for when you're completely at a loss, a sudden flash of inspiration will occur, based on a seemingly unrelated event, that will provide the answer.

If Columbo is in town and investigating a murder case, the first person he talks to might as well confess there and then, and save everyone a lot of trouble.

On average, a small village with a population of less than 100 will have at least one murder a week. There are 4 or 5 people who will be immune to these mysterious murders, but everyone else is fair game. In other words, if you've recently arrived, are just passing through, or your name hasn't been mentioned before, be afraid.

Cunovendus wrote:

If Columbo is in town and investigating a murder case, the first person he talks to might as well confess there and then, and save everyone a lot of trouble.

Hell, just get everyone possibly guilty together and propound a theory to them and, despite there being no real evidence, the guilty party will confess everything. Everything. He or she will point to the loose board in the floor under which will be a signed confession, the murder weapon with fingerprints and blood on it and a camcorder with footage of the murder.

In cartoon land a group of kids and a dog, finding someone dressed as a ghost, can get that person arrested. Generic coffee-coloured cop will often tell the perp that he will, 'go away for a long time'. In cartoon land, dressing up as a ghost is a very serious offence.

Cunovendus wrote:

If Columbo is in town and investigating a murder case, the first person he talks to might as well confess there and then, and save everyone a lot of trouble..

Related: If Perry Mason or Matlock take a defendant's case, the prosecutors might as well immediately drop the charges and order the police to dig deeper to find the actual criminal, saving them all of them the embarrassment in court for trying the wrong person.

I must add this one too: The Napoleonic wars would have been over in a week, if only those stubborn, toffee-nosed British army officers had listened to Richard Sharpe.

If you are a high school athlete, your career will either be at Burger King or in an office as a pencil-pusher.

People who work at a mortuary are either:

1) Hot chicks in high heels and with manicured nails, impeccably dressed under their scrubs

2) stuffy and gross males who eat burgers while dissecting corpses

3) no-nonsense smart-asses who will make quips about every single bloody corpse they encounter and laugh at people who dislike interacting with a dead body.

kleine_kat wrote:

3) no-nonsense smart-asses who will make quips about every single bloody corpse they encounter and laugh at people who dislike interacting with a dead body.

This one may have a slight amount of truth to it. People in medical professions often have godawful senses of humor about the terrible things that can happen to human beings; you almost have to not to turn into a wreck. Hence the people I worked with and myself cracking jokes about "Did your butt fall off?" after a case where a woman in a nursing home had been left lying in the same position for so long that when she was finally moved, part of her ass fell off.

rae wrote:

This one may have a slight amount of truth to it. People in medical professions often have godawful senses of humor about the terrible things that can happen to human beings; you almost have to not to turn into a wreck. Hence the people I worked with and myself cracking jokes about "Did your butt fall off?" after a case where a woman in a nursing home had been left lying in the same position for so long that when she was finally moved, part of her ass fell off.

Oh, I can imagine that. I knew a guy who was a...I don't really know the word. Someone who dresses dead people for their funeral? He had a GREAT, if disturbing, sense of humour.

It's just that I've never seen a pathologist in a tv series who is purely businesslike, accepts that other people don't share his or her fascination with corpses and, if she is a woman, has short, un-polished nails.

kleine_kat wrote:

It's just that I've never seen a pathologist in a tv series who is purely businesslike, accepts that other people don't share his or her fascination with corpses and, if she is a woman, has short, un-polished nails.

Then you're clearly not familiar with Liz Rodgers of Law & Order.

Freezer wrote:

kleine_kat wrote:

It's just that I've never seen a pathologist in a tv series who is purely businesslike, accepts that other people don't share his or her fascination with corpses and, if she is a woman, has short, un-polished nails.

Then you're clearly not familiar with Liz Rodgers of Law & Order.

Nope! Well, then I guess I've been proven wrong Good!

If you are driving and your route crosses a railway track, you'd better make sure your tank is 100% full. Otherwise, your car will invariably stop on the tracks.

Also, five seconds after your car is stopped on the tracks, the approaching train will invariably trigger the crossing signals.

And finally, Operation Lifesaver don't exist in TV programs. Therefore, instead of getting out, the driver will invariably try to start the car as the train bears down.

Not only that, but there are no brakes. If your car cuts out just at the right distance to come to a stop on the tracks, there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Sutremaine wrote:

Not only that, but there are no brakes. If your car cuts out just at the right distance to come to a stop on the tracks, there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Of course there are brakes...there's the magic handbrake that takes over control of the vehicle and activates once it's actually on the railtrack, so that getting out and pushing it the rest of the way is totally not an option! XD Your only option is to try to start the engine (even though you know it won't), and then dive away dramatically as the train destroys your precious vehicle.

Speaking of cars, they are actually worthless in America. If your car is smashed by someone falling from a building, or in an accident caused by a car chase, or hit by a stray rocket in a random gun fight, this can be safely ignored. No-one has to worry about people who spent their life savings on that car and can only afford third party insurance, or the fact that people will lose their No Claims Discount, meaning insurance next year will be ridiculously expensive - because insurance is actually free in America - if your car is written off, you'll get a new one within a day.

Finally, cars are made out of TNT, and explode at the slightest touch (this is also covered by free insurance).

The safest way to deal with a serial killer sneaking about the house/ghost/monster/evil stepmom is still to split up.

Female cops but also vampire hunters have no trouble running in high heels. If they wear a corset, that doesn't hamper their running skills either.

Women have smooth armpits and legs. Only ugly, fat or old women ever need to shave parts of their body--and usually don't.

Highschool children all look like twenty-year-olds. This comes in handy when twenty+ cops need to go undercover in highschool.

Annoying, high-strung, brash and rude girls are only that when they are ugly and have braces. If they're pretty, they're 'sassy', and everybody enjoys their attitude.

Oh, right, and then there is the 'Martha Jones complex':

Even if you behave like a complete and utter idiot, as long as other people claim that you're smart, you are (even if you're, like, NOT).