Things I Learned at the Movies

Rabid Badger wrote:

So the villain finally has the hero cornered, and there's nothing to prevent him from shooting him on the spot. Except for his need to spend at least 15 minutes gloating over how he's finally triumphed, during which time the hero will figure out a way to escape. Originally a staple of James Bond films, this has now spread to any action movie involving a stalwart hero and an evil, egotistical villain.

I want more of this badassery, please. Please, movie industry?

That'd require there to be any competent people left there.

In movies, people meet up at bars and cafes and restaurants all the time, but they never finish their food, their drinks, or anything. Neither do they care about getting change, or leaving a tip.

According to some stats, about 40% of people living in big cities in Western countries is overweight. However, in movies, all you see is women who weigh 90 pounds and well-trained men.

My ex-boyfriend was in the army. After three barbecue-filled stays in Afghanistan, he'd filled out considerably, and so had several of his colleagues. As in, he'd gained 20 pounds in 6 months, and had become pretty big. In movies, everybody in the army looks like Mister Universe.

Whenever the usually beautiful woman has had an accident (head trauma or whatever) or is sick and lies asleep in the hospital, she's terribly pale, including her lips. It may be me, but not everybody who's sick looks like death warmed over. When I have a fever I look especially rosy and healthy. It's very annoying.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER let the star of the movie be the director.

(Star Trek V and On Deadly Ground)

unskilled78 wrote:

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER let the star of the movie be the director.

(Star Trek V and On Deadly Ground)

Really? What about anything by Woodie Allen, Kenneth Branagh, or Orson Welles? What about Citizen fucking Kane?

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

unskilled78 wrote:

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER let the star of the movie be the director.

(Star Trek V and On Deadly Ground)

Really? What about anything by Woodie Allen, Kenneth Branagh, or Orson Welles? What about Citizen fucking Kane?

Can't speak to the others, but for Branagh, it should go double. Example in case, Much Ado About Nothing was a disaster. The number of jokes in there that he made people play so deadly straight... Ugh. Way to completely ruin the humor, Ken. Clearly a master of cinema. That play should be so much funnier than it was under his direction.

KelinciHutan wrote:

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

unskilled78 wrote:

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER let the star of the movie be the director.

(Star Trek V and On Deadly Ground)

Really? What about anything by Woodie Allen, Kenneth Branagh, or Orson Welles? What about Citizen fucking Kane?

Can't speak to the others, but for Branagh, it should go double. Example in case, Much Ado About Nothing was a disaster. The number of jokes in there that he made people play so deadly straight... Ugh. Way to completely ruin the humor, Ken. Clearly a master of cinema. That play should be so much funnier than it was under his direction.

I liked his version of Much Ado About Nothing (and I could go more in-depth but I don't want to derail the thread) but I was thinking specifically of Hamlet and Henry V when I wrote that. Hamlet is a masterpiece.

If someone tells you they had a vision where you died a horrible death, LISTEN TO THEM!

kleine_kat wrote:

According to some stats, about 40% of people living in big cities in Western countries is overweight. However, in movies, all you see is women who weigh 90 pounds and well-trained men.

AKA the Laurell K. Hamilton school of thought.

(I just read the first two Anita Blake novels. Holy fuck. I mean, this chick is surrounded by underwear models and power lifters.)

Kleiny wrote:

According to some stats, about 40% of people living in big cities in Western countries is overweight. However, in movies, all you see is women who weigh 90 pounds and well-trained men.

This is explainable. Most people spend all day having to look at horrendously ugly people. People like Nihilist, Somath, myself, and probably you behind the monitor (yeah, I'm looking at you). They don't want to spend $12 to go see MOAR ugly people.

If Character 1 ever says to Character 2, "The Master is the only one that knows how to do the One-Eyed Voodoo Handshake and he NEVER teaches anyone that," you can bet that by the end of the movie you will find that Character 2 has indeed been taught the One-Eyed Voodoo Handshake and will use it at the climax.

Fairlight wrote:

The Eiffel Tower is visible from every window in Paris.

Similarly, the Washington Monument is clearly visible from every spot in the District of Columbia, most of Maryland, and at least half of Virginia.

InkWeaver wrote:

If you wear glasses, YOU ARE A NERD. You are an unattractive, failure-at-attracting-relationships nerd. But only if you're a woman. But don't worry, as long as you're the main character, you'll be in for a makeover to make you beautiful.

What makeover? All you have to do is take off your glasses and fling your hair around. And of course you will have perfect vision without glasses: the Bates Method Makeover.

Miss Misery wrote:

* All grocery bags must contain a loaf of french bread.

Or a bunch of carrots with the green tops on.

Manny wrote:

All civilian cars are bulletproof except for the windows. Seriously; I have yet to see one movie where a bullet actually penetrates a car door. Oh, and the back seat is also bulletproof, because once you duck your head you can survive a hail of automatic gunfire peppering the rear end of the vehicle.

Missed Bonnie and Clyde, did we?

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

If you are terminally ill at the start of the movie, you will die anyway - but not from the illness. You'll get stabbed or eaten or something. This is because it doesn't matter if you die because you were gonna die anyway.

But if you are in a wheelchair, you will survive because writers still think this is original.

All people who use wheelchairs are paraplegics. There's no such thing as quadriplegia, hemiplegia, multiple amputation, or -- especially -- cerebral palsy.

Spotts1701 wrote:

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Electron Blue wrote:

People ALWAYS keep gambling after they've won a jackpot, no one ever just takes what they have and goes home.

This is actually a pretty accurate depiction of real life. People never know when they've pushed it enough.

But what IS only true in movies is that people are constantly betting it all on the 00s.

Not only that, but everyone who has a sure-fire "system" for winning will win.

In Nevada, we have a word for people like that - "suckers".

RL example: I read a news item a couple of years ago about a man who was suing the Bally chain of casinos, on the grounds that given the (stupendous) amount of money he'd put into progressive slot machines over a certain number of years, he "should have" won X number of dollars -- and since he had not, that proved the chain was conspiring to keep him from winning. (Er, no. If you could calculate exactly how much money you should win for a certain amount of money dropped into the slots, it wouldn't be gambling, now would it?)

ObOnTopic: There is no such thing as a concussion. Being knocked on the head with a blunt instrument causes plot-derived temporary unconsciousness, with no other symptoms afterward -- no blurred vision, no nausea, no fainting spells, no signs of fucking SKULL FRACTURE.

There is only one Roma culture. Planetwide, all "Gypsies" wear gold earrings, dress like Spanish flamenco dancers, tell fortunes, and dance to Hungarian folktunes in a circle of English Gypsy wagons.

Quote :

All people who use wheelchairs are paraplegics. There's no such thing as quadriplegia, hemiplegia, multiple amputation, or -- especially -- cerebral palsy.

Or people who have severe arthritis and thus can't walk long distances without suffering extreme pain.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Quote :

All people who use wheelchairs are paraplegics. There's no such thing as quadriplegia, hemiplegia, multiple amputation, or -- especially -- cerebral palsy.

Or people who have severe arthritis and thus can't walk long distances without suffering extreme pain.

Of course not, their legs are there. If they're lucky, they'll get a walking stick and a bad attitude.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Quote :

All people who use wheelchairs are paraplegics. There's no such thing as quadriplegia, hemiplegia, multiple amputation, or -- especially -- cerebral palsy.

Or people who have severe arthritis and thus can't walk long distances without suffering extreme pain.

Yup. In fact, my posting should probably have read "All people who use wheelchairs are paraplegics and very nearly wheelchair athletes." (The only movie I've seen that subverted this was John Sayles's Passion Fish: at one point the main character falls from her wheelchair and, unable to get back into it by her own power, decides to move across the floor to the couch. In a single shot we see her, laboriously, at great and exhausting effort and over the course of perhaps a minute, pull herself ... about six inches. The striking thing is that the camera angle is vertical -- a ceiling-fixture shot -- and all the action takes place at the extreme left of the screen. The image is dominated, not by her, but by the expanse of carpet: we're confronted with the awareness that it's going to take her hours to reach that couch.)

Cactus Wren wrote:

Fairlight wrote:

The Eiffel Tower is visible from every window in Paris.

Similarly, the Washington Monument is clearly visible from every spot in the District of Columbia, most of Maryland, and at least half of Virginia.

Also, the Space Needle is visible anywhere in Seattle.

Quote :

Manny wrote:

All civilian cars are bulletproof except for the windows. Seriously; I have yet to see one movie where a bullet actually penetrates a car door. Oh, and the back seat is also bulletproof, because once you duck your head you can survive a hail of automatic gunfire peppering the rear end of the vehicle.

Missed Bonnie and Clyde, did we?

On that note, if anyone wants to see what bullets will do to a car in real life:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Quote :

All people who use wheelchairs are paraplegics. There's no such thing as quadriplegia, hemiplegia, multiple amputation, or -- especially -- cerebral palsy.

There are no invisible disabilities. Nobody has seizures, nobody has bipolar disorder or depression or schizophrenia (and if they are they will behave in strange, obvious and unaccountable ways most of which will result in them turning out to be a serial killer), nobody is bulimic, and absolutely nobody is disfigured in any way.

Lexin wrote:

There are no invisible disabilities. Nobody has seizures, nobody has bipolar disorder or depression or schizophrenia (and if they are they will behave in strange, obvious and unaccountable ways most of which will result in them turning out to be a serial killer), nobody is bulimic, and absolutely nobody is disfigured in any way.

Unless it's a badass facial scar, which looks... well... badass.

Whenever there are twins, there's an evil twin. This applies to just about every media but is especially applicable in movies. Furthermoe, the evil twin will inevitably frame the good twin for something.

The idea that both twins are good, or both are evil, is unheard of.

While in real life twins often have different personalities, that doesn't mean one of them is PURE UNADULTERATED EVIL.

ZoZo wrote:

Lexin wrote:

There are no invisible disabilities. Nobody has seizures, nobody has bipolar disorder or depression or schizophrenia (and if they are they will behave in strange, obvious and unaccountable ways most of which will result in them turning out to be a serial killer), nobody is bulimic, and absolutely nobody is disfigured in any way.

Unless it's a badass facial scar, which looks... well... badass.

Or they want someone to look sinister - like that guy from The Box, or Two-Face.

Hollywood will make live action versions of just about anything, and shamelessly Americanise them.

My impending doom radar went off like crazy when I heard about the Akira Live Action movie.

And at least one person on You-Tube agrees with me: Akira: 2011

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Hollywood will make live action versions of just about anything, and shamelessly Americanise them.

Like Fantastic Mr. Fox, coming soon.

Fairlight wrote:

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Hollywood will make live action versions of just about anything, and shamelessly Americanise them.

Like Fantastic Mr. Fox, coming soon.

Actually, that movie is supposed to be quite good. Yeah, I was surprised too.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Whenever there are twins, there's an evil twin. This applies to just about every media but is especially applicable in movies. Furthermoe, the evil twin will inevitably frame the good twin for something.

The idea that both twins are good, or both are evil, is unheard of.

While in real life twins often have different personalities, that doesn't mean one of them is PURE UNADULTERATED EVIL.

I don't know about this one, Harley. When was the last time you saw a movie that actually had an evil twin in it that wasn't played for laughs? This was a soap opera trope to begin with and now it's pretty much a Dead Horse Trope.

Cactus Wren wrote:

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

If you are terminally ill at the start of the movie, you will die anyway - but not from the illness. You'll get stabbed or eaten or something. This is because it doesn't matter if you die because you were gonna die anyway.

But if you are in a wheelchair, you will survive because writers still think this is original.

All people who use wheelchairs are paraplegics. There's no such thing as quadriplegia, hemiplegia, multiple amputation, or -- especially -- cerebral palsy.

'
Only movie I've seen where the main character actually DID have cerebral palsy and was confined to a wheelchair for most of it - My Left Foot. And it I thought it was awesome. Daniel Day-Lewis does a fantastic job.