Things I Learned at the Movies

Actually, being unable to see what's right in front of you seems to be the only consequence of removing your glasses rather than falling down a stairwell because your depth perception is fucked up without them.
Or is that just me?

Tinted glasses on anyone who doesn't live in the '70s= pervert.

If there's a wedding and they see each other before the wedding, one person will believe it's bad luck for the bride to see the groom. And the other person will not believe it.

Then the bad luck will commence.

If a couple meet at the beginning of a movie and are obviously intended to be together, the remainder of the movie will be dedicated to keeping them apart by a series of mishaps and stupid misunderstandings. All this could be avoided if someone just said the right thing at the right time, but who's going to watch a movie that's only 15 minutes long?

This is known as the 'idiot plot,' because obviously, all the people in the movie are idiots who can't figure out what the audience has known for the last hour and a half till five minutes before the movie's due to end.

Sharks hold grudges

Kevin M wrote:

Sharks hold grudges

Only ones powered by voodoo curses.

By 2058 we're going to have faster than light travel, and warp gates. We'll also have destroyed the planet with pollution.

why is it that in movies you can stand 3 feet from lava in a volcano .....and NOT have any trouble breathing or that silly catching fire thing!!

why is it that ONLY in movies can a guy dress up like a girl...and NO one suspects that 'she' is a guy?

No couple can ever just meet and fall in love. They must spend at least two hours (which on screen can translate into as long as 10-12 years) being kept apart due to stupid misunderstandings, illogical plotlines and the lies of their friends.

The typical duration of a siege is half an hour, from the time the army arrives to its conclusion. The conclusion is always either full control of the besieged city, or an utter rout of the besieging force.

Also, no tactics must ever be used in a siege, and no preparations must be made (exception: Kingdom of Heaven).

Finally, no matter how much of the besieging force you kill, the enemy will always have exactly the same number of soldiers that they started with.

Rabid Badger wrote:

No couple can ever just meet and fall in love. They must spend at least two hours (which on screen can translate into as long as 10-12 years) being kept apart due to stupid misunderstandings, illogical plotlines and the lies of their friends.

And even if they'd only met once for half a day and then never saw each other again for ten years, their love is unwavering and MEANINGFUL.

If you are an athlete in high school, you are a shallow asshole who picks on people, has an IQ lower than your age, and has either a career at McDonald's or as an office pencil-pusher to look forward to.

Every baseball game has, at the bottom of the ninth, the protagonist's team down by x runs with x players on base, 2 outs, and the batter on 2 strikes.

Every football (soccer) final goes to a penalty shoot-out or a last-minute goal.

If you step on a train track, then a train will appear out of nowhere.

Public transportation in large cities is fraught with peril. People are regularly attacked on subways and commuter trains, your taxi driver invariably turns out to be a radical terrorist (or Travis Bickle), and your buses are forever being high-jacked by madmen who have a grudge against someone on-board.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Public transportation in large cities is fraught with peril. People are regularly attacked on subways and commuter trains, your taxi driver invariably turns out to be a radical terrorist (or Travis Bickle), and your buses are forever being high-jacked by madmen who have a grudge against someone on-board.

Or public transportation is full of lovable eccentrics, pretty young people and down-to-earth elder folk who form their own micro-community, into which they'll happily accept you. And the driver/conductor is never a new guy or a sick day/vacation sub. Everybody on the route knows his name and he knows theirs.

There is no in-between those extremes.

Getting hit in the head with a gun or other heavy metal object causes you to go to sleep for a short time. You wake up and are still able to think clearly, and perform martial arts.

Getting hit in the head multiple times does not result in hospitalization or any permanent cumulative disability.

Bullets have their own anesthetic, coagulant, and antibiotic so you don't scream your head off after being shot, or worry about septicemia, or bleed to death. This only applies all the time if you're the hero or the main villain.

Bullets also have radar homing devices rendering aiming unnecessary.

Loosely holding an automatic pistol and firing does not cause the pistol to misfire.

Plainclothes cops in suits and ties who eat junk food as a regular diet can still outrun teenagers in sweatpants and sneakers.

The best way to survive a zombie apocalypse is to be heavily pregnant when the virus breaks out.

Pregnant women will always go into labor at the absolute worst possible time. But don't worry, labor is surprisingly quick and there are seldom any complications even if the legion demons of hell are attacking at the same time the women's delivering.

(This goes for TV as well): There is one and only one complication of childbirth - DEATH. Once labor starts to go south, all you can do (from the simplest midwife to the more futuristic medical center) is save the child.

And she'll always live just long enough to hold her child once.

Evil will always triumph over good in the end. When what you believe is the final scene in the movie is shown, with everyone happy and the Evil supposedly vanquished, you can be guaranteed that, as the happy family embraces, the last thing you see will be Evil lurking in the darkness waiting for a sequel.

The forces of evil must have a serious grudge against horny college kids who go on camping trips.

It's okay to be racist, agist and sexist, as long as it's with giant robots.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

It's okay to be racist, agist and sexist, as long as it's with giant robots.

Or if you're an older white American male.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

It's okay to be racist, agist and sexist, as long as it's with giant robots.

Or if you're an older white American male.

Or if you're Michael Bay.

Whenever you're travelling anywhere in a fantasy setting - it is always best to walk along mountain crests, clifftops and rocky outcroppings rather than use boring old flat, easy-to-traverse open fields or meadows.

[edit] unless you're about to have a morale effecting speech or event. In which case - meadows ahoy!