Movies That are Going to Suck: Part Deux

Johnny Depp: slowly smothering his dignity and reputation to death with a pillow since 2003.

John Carter looks like it's going to be a big pile of blah. I don't know why it isn't called Some White Guy.

Chris91 wrote:

Speaking of films with a high potential for suckery, I dare anyone here to look at this picture and tell me Johnny Depp's forthcoming Lone Ranger pic isn't going to crash and burn at the box office:

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I'm not sure whether Depp is purposely trying to sabotage the movie with this idiotic gear or if he's just too tetched in the head over his breakup with Vanessa Paradis to realize the cultural minefield he's about to step on, but this photo exemplifies everything that's wrong with having Caucasian actors play Native American characters. On top of that, you can be sure legions of Suethors are just waiting to churn out badfic based on Depp's interpretation of Tonto. This train wreck of a movie is scheduled to hit theaters next May....which almost makes you wish that the 2012 doomsday prophecies had been right.

*cough*

EileenK98 wrote:

Why is there a (dead?) bird on his head?

I'm not sure, but it's a safe bet some form of hallucinogenic substance was involved in the thought process which came up with that idea.

Cyberwulf wrote:

John Carter looks like it's going to be a big pile of blah. I don't know why it isn't called Some White Guy.

Well, the original book is like that as well. Pulpy stories of the period were all about Some White Guy going to a new world and becoming lord and master of the place.

You guys hear about what Michael bay is doing to the new Ninja Turtles movie?

Michael Bay's kneecaps? Meet my crowbar.

TheIan wrote:

You guys hear about what Michael bay is doing to the new Ninja Turtles movie?

Michael Bay's kneecaps? Meet my crowbar.

Michael Bay is a professional fanbrat.

"Like, I don't like mutants, so I'm going to change everything that makes this fandom cool and baww when people don't squee."

Freezer wrote:

Chris91 wrote:

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Why is Jack Sparrow next to The Lone Ranger?

More importantly, why does the Lone Ranger appear to be Seth Green?

TheIan wrote:

You guys hear about what Michael bay is doing to the new Ninja Turtles movie?

Michael Bay's kneecaps? Meet my crowbar.

Bay Responds:

Quote :

Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.

In a nutshell:

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HAAAAYYY! Relax, Guy!


From the Guardian:

Quote :

Making the turtles aliens would ruin everything – their desire to be accepted, their bizarre late-1980s street lingo, their fondness for pizza. Everything. Are we really meant to believe that there's an alien race of giant turtles who just happen to all be named after renowned Renaissance artists from this planet, and speak English, and who came to Earth with a giant elderly rat who's presumably from the same race, just to live in sewers and loudly eschew anchovies at every opportunity? Hardly, Michael Bay. Hardly.

It's just how Michael Bay operates. He loves to adapt series that are based on something outlandish, and mangle their stories to fit his sci-fi sensibilities.

That, and lots of explosions. And eternal sunset.

Thing is, the Turtles are green - is the lighting going to be all red for contrast, or will Bay paint them blue?

Yeeaaah I shan't be going to see THAT. I did go to the 2007 movie. Wasn't half-bad.

And once again Hollywood proves there are no original ideas left anymore. If he wants to make a movie about aliens, why doesn't he just, oh, MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT ALIENS?! Leave my Ninja Turtles alone!

Exodia's Right Leg wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

John Carter looks like it's going to be a big pile of blah. I don't know why it isn't called Some White Guy.

.

.... Does this mean I'm a horrible person for having squeed when I saw the books were getting made into the film?

bleachedblackcat wrote:

Exodia's Right Leg wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

John Carter looks like it's going to be a big pile of blah. I don't know why it isn't called Some White Guy.

.

.... Does this mean I'm a horrible person for having squeed when I saw the books were getting made into the film?

Actually, by all accounts the film is not that bad. Some reviewers have even said that it is really very very good. It's just that Disney really fucked up the advertising and PR for it.

First error by Disney was not putting 'of Mars' in the title of 'John Carter'. But they didn't want to frighten the women away. (And instead confused any fans of Edgar Rice Burroughs and ignored the casual SF fan who hears or reads the title before seeing the trailers.)

As for alien TMNT? No. Just no. Put down the fandom and back away slowly Mr. Bay and you might just survive long enough to apologize for what you just said.

Ghost in the Machine wrote:

But they didn't want to frighten the women away.

But... It has Taylor Kitsch. Who's definitely the better one among the current Taylor heartthrobs.

Evidence:
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You could call it Talk of Tax Audits & Car Engine Construction: as long as the trailers and poster show Mr. Kitsch shirtless and sweaty, it's gonna be hard scaring the women away. (Having a title like mine might scare away some of the straight men, though.)

^
"Talk of Tax Audits" is a good way to scare away anyone who doesn't work for the IRS. By the way, I like how you implied that IRS employees are a bunch of faggots, very subtle.

Quote :

Are we really meant to believe that there's an alien race of giant turtles who just happen to all be named after renowned Renaissance artists from this planet, and speak English, and who came to Earth with a giant elderly rat who's presumably from the same race, just to live in sewers and loudly eschew anchovies at every opportunity?

In all fairness, are we supposed to believe that turtles flushed down the toilet (or whatever) turn into six feet tall crime fighting, pizza devouring ninja? The only reason THAT'S any better than Bay's retarded bonery is that it was here first and has been proven to "work," not because it's in any way believable.

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

By the way, I like how you implied that IRS employees are a bunch of faggots, very subtle.

Um, no. I said 'some of the straight men', Mikey. Reading comprehension fail.

Also 'faggots'? Not cool, man. Not cool.

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

^

In all fairness, are we supposed to believe that turtles flushed down the toilet (or whatever) and splashing in a mutagen that may or may not have alien origin, depending on the version turn into six feet tall crime fighting, pizza devouring ninja?

The origin of the Ninja Turtles is a big parody of Daredevil's; in fact, the mutagen was supposed to be the same stuff that gave Matt Murdock his powers, and Splinter is a parody of Stick.

Honestly do not care a great deal about the origin; Bay movies just put me off just in general. I just hate the way he puts together a flick and I always have. So, sucks to be me, I guess! I was looking forward to another movie after TMNT (which I enjoyed) but I am very doubtful that anything he does or does not change about the origin story is going to change the fact I am not going to like the movie he produces simply because it he produced it. If it gets reviews from people who find Bay movies to be total bore-fests like I do saying that it actually turned out ok then maybe I will give it a chance, buuuuut from where I am standing it looks like a write off.

He's only making them aliens so he can pack the movie with his favourite jerk-off material - tons and tons of military hardware. It'd be tough to find an excuse to call in the troops for four 5'6'' green teenage vigilantes, even if they do have sweet ninja weapons.

Cyberwulf wrote:

He's only making them aliens so he can pack the movie with his favourite jerk-off material - tons and tons of military hardware. It'd be tough to find an excuse to call in the troops for four 5'6'' green teenage vigilantes, even if they do have sweet ninja weapons.

This.

Also, this:



Chernobyl Diaries! Let's talk about this for a minute, and what the IMDB page says about it. Apparently, ex-teen heartthrob (and ex-Dream Street member, if anyone remembers them) Jesse McCartney is playing the main character. This alone is enough to set off warning bells. Then add the fact that the film takes place in the Ukraine and there is exactly one Russian/Slavic/what-have-you cast member, and that they're taking a real-life tragedy and turning it into a horror film (about zombies, from the looks of things)...yeah. This is gonna be terrible.

I saw this trailer yesterday.


...

Now, maybe it will be a masterful satire on how one must eventually put away childish things in order to take one's place in the adult world, but since Seth MacFarlane's involved I'm guessing it will be a big pile of toilet humor, remember the eighties ahaha, and lots of rape jokes, all slathered in a rancid "Men need a woman to make them grow up" icing.

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Saw this attached to The Hunger Games, facepalmed so hard they heard it in the next theater. I bet the Sues are already flocking.

.... my god Tim Burton....