Movies That are Going to Suck: Part Deux

...Wow. I confess to having been a fan of the '90s reboot, but this is just ridiculous.

It might fall under the so bad it's good rule, though.

I remember catching reruns of the original Dark Shadows on SciFi (back when they were still "The Sci Fi Channel". The cheese was glorious. This... Not so much (cheese or glorious).

I remember watching the original series when it was an afternoon soap opera. Yes, it was corny and cheesy, but it was also unlike anything anyone had ever done before. And Johnathan Frid, who played Barnabas, was a clssicly-trained British actor.

Needless to say, I will NOT be going to see Mr. Burton's take on the character. The man's already tried to ruin the original 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' and 'Alice in Wonderland' for me. I'll be damned if I let him ruin another good movie with his histrionic, 'quirky' over-acting.

What ever happened to the guy who was so funny in Benny and Joon and The Nightmare Before Christmas?

Hey, hey. Burton's Chocolate Factory was much more faithful to the original book. One of the biggest complaints about the old movie, as beloved as it was, was that it was a niced up, hollywoodized version of a very deliberately creepy and dark children's story. Dahl hated the original movie.

Sakurelf wrote:

Hey, hey. Burton's Chocolate Factory was much more faithful to the original book. One of the biggest complaints about the old movie, as beloved as it was, was that it was a niced up, hollywoodized version of a very deliberately creepy and dark children's story. Dahl hated the original movie.

That's what's said, but I have a really hard time believing that he'd have been on board with the Burton version, either. That was a terrible, terrible movie, and I gotta say, at least the first movie kept the emphasis on Charlie as main character (which held more closely to the book) than that weird-ass backstory they gave Wonka. It may have been more faithful in tone, but it mucked about with some of the story elements. I can't help but think Dahl might have been happier if no one turned it into any movies.

(The same goes for Matilda. Talk about suck-factor.)

Jay/Cris wrote:

Ghost in the Machine wrote:

But they didn't want to frighten the women away.

But... It has Taylor Kitsch. Who's definitely the better one among the current Taylor heartthrobs.

Evidence:
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You could call it Talk of Tax Audits & Car Engine Construction: as long as the trailers and poster show Mr. Kitsch shirtless and sweaty, it's gonna be hard scaring the women away. (Having a title like mine might scare away some of the straight men, though.)

Prrrrr. He can audit my tax engine any day, yes please!

Alien turtles? WTF, are they at least keeping the 'ninja' part?

I don't think anyone has posted this one yet:
The Raven

At first I thought that it would be kind of interesting for a killer to use Poe's work as the basis of his murders, but then I realized that the focus of the movie seemed to be on the romance and Poe working to save her.

There is a chance it could be good, but I have my doubts.

[quote="lemmingwriter"]

Sakurelf wrote:

I gotta say, at least the first movie kept the emphasis on Charlie as main character (which held more closely to the book) than that weird-ass backstory they gave Wonka.

I have to forgive the weird-ass backstory, because it had Saruman as a fucking dentist! Seeing Christopher Lee put his best bombastic voice to say lines like "LOLLIPOPS. OUGHT TO BE CALLED, CAVITIES ON A STICK." was as memorable as any other part of the film.

knightwithoutacause wrote:

I don't think anyone has posted this one yet:
The Raven

At first I thought that it would be kind of interesting for a killer to use Poe's work as the basis of his murders, but then I realized that the focus of the movie seemed to be on the romance and Poe working to save her.

There is a chance it could be good, but I have my doubts.

I don't know, I think it might be fun. It looks like it's in the same vein (pardon the pun) as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, to which I am also looking forward.

And of course, I love John Cusack to death . . .

Having finally seen a commercial and a trailer for Dark Shadows... No.

It's Depp's Willie Wonka as a vampire. Period.

I honestly think Depp is trolling society at large by now.

"Tee-hee, look at what schlock people will come see because I'm in it!"

Every time I see the trailer for Battleship, I think of the Simpsons parody.

TIC TAC TOE

X V. O

"I love you, Rome-O!"

"I love you, Julie-X!"

(Rome-O is crushed by an X-shaped spaceship.)

"TIC-TAC-NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


Oh, Liam Neeson, how could you.

Jesse Plemons is in it, and Taylor Kitsch will likely get his shirt torn off. I will see it for that alone.

Sheba wrote:

Jesse Plemons is in it, and Taylor Kitsch will likely get his shirt torn off. I will see it for that alone.

That's my line!

Somath Cegem wrote:

Mr.Doobie wrote:

Do I count as old? Cause I wanna see this in the most un-ironic way possible.

Saw it. Not as good as seeing the first one as an 18 year old, but still pretty darned good. Glad I went!

I saw it too. Just as creepy and unfunny as I thought it would be.

I love the orignal Dark Shadows. Now my heart hurts and it's all your fault Tim Burton!

How can I both hate and love someone so much? *cue cliched sad goffix music*

Oh my God fucking look at this shit. It's like something Cartoon Network would pinch out for an "exclusive Top Cat weekend".

Yeah... that's pretty dire. But I don't know if it's "fucking look at this shit" bad. "Shake your head and move along" bad, maybe.

Rape joke in the first 30 seconds? LMFAO song in the trailer? Adam Sandler using his annoying Lil' Nicky voice?

Yep, this is a Happy Madison production. Another movie that confuses being funny with being mean spirited and cruel. Adam Sandler continues to be one of the worst things on the planet...

Cyberwulf wrote:

Oh my God fucking look at this shit. It's like something Cartoon Network would pinch out for an "exclusive Top Cat weekend".

Oh wow, I almost forgot about Top Cat. As for the movie... That is some ugly artwork.

Mr.Doobie wrote:

LOL STATUTORY RAPE IS SUPER FUNNY WHEN IT HAPPENS TO A GUY

Jesus Christ. I mean if they wanted to do the whole "irresponsible teen dad hits up his successful son for money thirty years later" they could at least make him legal.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Mr.Doobie wrote:

LOL STATUTORY RAPE IS SUPER FUNNY WHEN IT HAPPENS TO A GUY

Jesus Christ. I mean if they wanted to do the whole "irresponsible teen dad hits up his successful son for money thirty years later" they could at least make him legal.

But...but then you'd lose the lols!

I have never seen Adam Sandler as funny. Never.

EileenK98 wrote:

I have never seen Adam Sandler as funny. Never.

Nobody with an IQ above 20 does.