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 Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies

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Hot Cancer
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PostSubject: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Sat Jul 31, 2010 5:25 pm

I love Star Trek. From the originality of TOS, the awesomeness of Picard in TNG, the depth and complexity of DS9, the individual brilliance of some VOY episodes to the.... okay I hated Enterprise, and the... alrightness of Star Trek XI. Yeah, I fell apart a bit at the end. But at it's peak, I consider Trek, all forms of it, unparallelled, and I'll watch it ahead of anything.

But every now and then they get it wrong. Badly wrong. Here are my favourite Trek fuck ups.

Getting it wrong:

Spock's Brain - The Original Series
Spock's Brain. Spocks brain. They stole Spack's Braaaaaainnn. Spcks Brain. Spks brnn,..... HURF DURF! Yeah, this episode is silly.

Shades of Grey - The Next Generation
A dumb clip show with a wafer thin attempt at a plot. I know there was a writer’s strike, but did Paramount need a 22nd episode in season 2 this badly? 21 proper episodes would’ve surely been as good as 21 proper episodes and a stupid turd of a clip show at the end. I really wish they’d withdraw it from re-runs.

Rascals - The Next Generation
Let’s have some of the characters turned into 12 year old kids, won’t that be cool? Let me make one thing clear - it isn’t. Someone writes that as fan fiction it’d be shot to shit. And to top it off the guy they got to play 12 year old Picard is so annoying that he makes Wesley Crusher seem bearable.

Then we have the flagship of the Federation taken over by a few Ferengi with a couple of “surplus” Klingon ships. What the fuck was Riker doing during the entire battle?

You have been attacked by two starships that, although seemingly from an allied power, aren’t responding to hails, do you:
a) Blow the living fuck out of them because you’re in command of a Galaxy-class starship?
b) Stand in the middle of the bridge like a mute clown and eventually fire back one shot.

Somehow, I doubt the very aggressive Klingons mothball, scrap or sell modern Birds-of-Prey that often, so it’s a safe bet for me that these ships were old, and that the Enterprise outgunned them. By some margin. Even if we allow time for Riker to give a fair warning to the theoretically friendly vessels, the Enterprise should’ve won the battle easily.

And even if we accept that Riker clearly failed the “Ordering your Tactical Officer to Fire” class at the Academy, we still have to believe that a handful of Ferengi (we only once see more than three or four in the same shot, and the children only need to trap about six in order to take the ship back) subdued a crew of a thousand. I’m sorry, but even if you capture Riker, Data and the rest of the bridge crew, it is logistically unlikely that so few Ferengi could keep control of the ship for more than twenty minutes.

See? The bad plot bunny needed bad plot device in order to make an episode.

Nemesis
This movie sucked. The basic concept, Picard having to fight himself, because Picard is the only person awesome enough to be worthy of being Picard's enemy, could’ve been so good. Except for the ass-pullery.

First of all, we’re expected to belief that Romulus is a major political power even though it looks like a Banana Republic in which anyone who can get themselves the backing of the military can become Praetor. That’s not very plausible.

Secondly, there’s Shinzon’s ship. This might seem like a minor “teccie” thing, but considering how important it, and it’s super-duper radiation weapon are to the plot, I would disagree. Where did a subjugated race get enough material to build something about six times the size of the Federation Flagship without anyone noticing? Are the Romulans that inobservant that they didn’t notice? Where did a subjugated race get enough technical expertise to build a ship that completely clusterfucks one of Starfleet’s most advanced designs without the Romulans noticing? And I’d prefer not to comment on its super cloak.

Thirdly, there’s about a chance in hell that an ‘ordinary’ Starfleet crew would overlook the Bazen Rift that blocks subspace communications, and in which they fight their nice shiny battle, that‘s between them and safety. There is zero chance that Data would overlook it and suddenly realise the relevance mid-sentence when talking to Picard. He is an andriod for fuck’s sake.

Then there’s Shinzon. At the end of the day, he’s just a bitter prick, and he’s really no match in the verbals for Picard for me.

That may only be four things. But at the end of the day, those four things define the entire script of the movie.

The Changing Face of Evil - Deep Space Nine
I loved the Dominion War. It was dark without being a Frank Miller comic, it brought complexity and depth without giving everyone a skeleton in their closet. I even learned to like the Prophets wiping out a whole Dominion fleet because in return, Sisko could not go back to DS9 after defeating Dukat. But I don’t like this episode. At all.

Why?
Because the decision to have the Breen come along, destroy the Defiant, and the rest of the allied fleet that attempted to re-take Chin’toka, with their awesome super-weapon was fucking stupid.

Leaving aside questions like: “What have Starfleet intelligence, Klingon intelligence and the Tal Shiar been doing to not realise the Breen have a way of completely fucking their shit up?” and “If the Breen attacked Earth at the start of the episode, wouldn’t the magical energy dampening weapon have been detected then?“ we are seriously expected to accept the logic of Founder’s decision to not blow up the escape pods - so that the allies will have fleet’s worth of demoralised officers and soldiers.

I’m sorry, but dead soldiers are less useful to your enemy than demoralised ones. Surely them all dying would have more effect than returning with their story of defeat. It doesn’t take the crews of 311 ships to deliver a message that amounts to “we’re completely fucked.” either. And she had to have known that the fleet was commanded by General Martok and Captain Sisko, who are the only military leaders shown to lead successful offensive operations against the Dominion since the start of the war. Obviously, main characters can’t die, but then why put them in a situation that they can only survive by another character being a thicko? Fuck it, if you’re not going to kill the crews why not capture all the ships after disabling them with the Breen super-weapon instead of destroying them? Why not capture and interrogate a few survivors?

The reason for it was of course to have a “HOLY SHIT!!!” moment with the arrival of the Breen, like with the Jem’Hadar when they destroyed the Galaxy-class Oddessy. The difference is that the Oddessy was destroyed in a season finale, meaning there was time to stew over it. And then subsequently, Starfleet spent 3 years fumbling around trying to find their dicks before the Dominion War. On the other hand, the Defiant was replaced, and the Breen weapon counter-acted in about 2 episodes, so it just didn’t work.
Okay, yes they had to give a reason for a stalemate and attach tactical significance to the Cardassian Resistance, but there had to be a way to do it that involved less plot holes.


Last edited by Hot Cancer on Sat Jul 31, 2010 5:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Sat Jul 31, 2010 5:32 pm

Getting it badly wrong:

"Threshold" - Voyager
Ah yes, the Threshold Award for Scientific Excellence. Paris exceeds the magic Warp 10 barrier in a modified shuttle with ‘enriched’ dilithium and then ‘evolves’ into an overgrown lizard. I’m going to substantially borrow from [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], even in a universe where we suspend our disbelief to accept Starships, complete with inconsistent technologies, and many, many alien species that all look the same apart from different ears, noses or foreheads, there’s a lot of stuff in Threshold that’s hard to accept:

1 - Transwarp hobbyists. With limited equipment and expertise, the crew of Voyager do what Starfleet’s finest boffins have been trying to do for years, if not a couple of centuries. ‘Enriched dilithium’ my arse.

2 - Infinite velocity. Warp 10 is apparently ‘infinite velocity’, and when achieving it, Paris says that he occupied every point in the universe at once.
First, infinite velocity would require either infinite acceleration, or finite acceleration for an infinite length of time. The shuttle does neither, since Voyager can keep up with it for about a minute (nixing infinite accel.), and Paris is back within an episode.
Secondly, even if infinite velocity could be achieved, you wouldn’t occupy every point in the universe at once (assuming this is even possible without being destroyed in every way imaginable), you’d occupy every point on a line in the direction you were going when the velocity was achieved.

3 - Evolution that would make Darwinists and Creationists alike cringe.
So, travelling to Warp 10 speeds up human evolution? My understanding of evolution is that it’s not pre-programmed, it depends partly (or mostly, or entirely) on your surroundings. Surely, if speeding up human evolution had any effect on Paris, it would’ve caused him to become even more suited to the environment on Voyager. I’m not sure what that would entail exactly, but I doubt it would’ve included becoming allergic to oxygen, coughing up guts, and ultimately turning into a large four-legged salamander that couldn‘t possibly function very well on board a starship.

4 - Antimatter cure. Just no.


The Final Frontier
Oh look, William Shatner masturbated onto a roll of film because he was jealous of Leonard Nimoy being allowed direct The Search for Spock and The Voyage Home.
I suppose the plot isn’t great for the most part, but certainly not in itself the worst thing Star Trek’s ever come up with, but there are just so many HURRRRR! moments:

1. Spock’s jet boots.
2. “Marshmelons”. This is Spock we’re talking about here, not the foreign exchange student.
3. Kirk’s “Go Climb a Rock” t-shirt.
4. The catgirl with 17 boobs.
5. Scotty hitting his head on a low beam just after saying he knows the ship like the back of his hand.

Then there are more serious issues. Mainly, what are Starfleet doing sending the clearly broken Enterprise-A into a tactical situation? Okay, they say they need Kirk, (not that he does anything to justify that need) but why not send two ships? Or send Kirk as a mission specialist on another ship? I love how thick Starfleet Command are sometimes.

Then there’s Spock refusing to act against Sybok after the shuttle crash-landing because he’s his brother. Okay, I can understand you not killing him, but how many ways do you know to subdue someone non-fatally? C’mon, at least try the nerve pinch.

Finally, the issue of Sybok turning the whole crew against Kirk, Spock and McCoy, which I just felt cheapened the relationship built among the crew over 3 seasons and 4 previous movies. Could’ve been worse, Shatner wanted it to be everyone, including McCoy and Spock v. Kirk, but Nimoy told him to eat a huge cock.


"Code of Honour" - The Next Generation
Ah yes, a less advanced race, with a proud, but clearly archaic and incorrect tradition of tribal rule, stealing blonde security chiefs and making people fight to the death. So, what sort of funny nose or ears are they given to differentiate them from humans? They aren’t given one? Oh come on, there has to be something. Ah, they’re all black. See had to be something.

WAIT, THEY’RE ALL FUCKING BLACK? Are you serious?

You think I’m overreacting to this, look at the episode, it’s supposed to be tribal Africa, just fucking look at it:

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And I’m not the only person who thinks this by the way, Brent Spiner found it “embarrassing” and Jonathan Frakes described it as “racist”, and Gene Roddenberry sacked the episode’s director towards the end of production for making the planet’s entire population black (rather than just their leader and his entourage).

And, as an extra tidbit, Gates MacFadden forgot to take off her watch during part of filming.


"Mudd's Women" - The Original Series
Well fancy that, human trafficking will be legal by the 23rd century. This seems offensive even for something made the sixties. Everyone’s favourite scoundrel (until Quark came along), Harry Mudd is busily bringing very attractive ladies to a mining colony to be wives for the miners. Except they’re not really that attractive, they’re on drugs that make them more attractive.
Only one of them is even slightly bothered by this, whilst the others seem quite happy to be married off to whomever and be a good pretty wife for as long as possible thanks to the Venus drug. And to make it even more offensive, when the Venus drug wears off one of them, the miner who wanted her complains about her like she’s defective merchandise. Feck’s sake man, it’s better than jacking off or going down the gay route with your fellow miners isn’t it?

And then there’s the ending. Oh boy! “I’ve given you a placebo! You’re INSTANLY prettier because you believe in yourself!!!!” I wasn’t aware a placebo replaced a full make-up and hair team, but there you go. Guess I’m wrong.


Last edited by Hot Cancer on Sat Jul 31, 2010 5:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Sat Jul 31, 2010 5:50 pm

There can be but one king. One episode of sheer terrible to rule them all. An episode so bad, that I ocassionally refuse to accept that even happened, and one of the show's writers pretends it didn't happen.

Enterprise is about to make up for not being anywhere else in the list in a big way. I am of course referring to it's finale, These Are the Voyages.

This is awful. I mean, it’s just irredeemably shit. To put this in perspective, I find there to be 3 types of people when it come to Enterprise in general:

1. People who hate it.
2. People who hated it for 3 seasons, but thought Manny Coto rescued it in season 4.
3. People who liked for all 4 seasons.

Category 3 are usually eligible for home help. In any case, roughly 90% of each of these groups hated “These Are the Voyages”, and most of the remainder just strongly disliked it. Rick Berman described this as a “Valentine” to both the franchise and to the fans. Well, fuck me, I’m glad I was never Berman’s special other, because I’d describe this as a gypsy curse designed to finally finish off a wasting cancer patient.

It is really that bad. We start with a scene on the Enterprise where Archer is fretting over a big speech, which is later revealed to be for a conference that leads to the founding of the Federation. Yes, because I really want to see this bag of shitwho only toned down his racism towards Vulcans two seasons ago deliver that.

All the senior officers are called to the bridge when Commander Riker is revealed to be present. He says “end programme,” and we find ourselves on a TNG-era Holodeck. Yes, they’ve set the Enterprise series finale aboard the Enterprise D. We’re treated to the following explanatory log entry:

"First officer's personal log, stardate
47457.1. With the unexpected arrival of Admiral Pressman, my old CO, I find myself in an
awkward position. Counsellor Troi has suggested I might get a few insights by calling up an historic holoprogram."

Oh boy. The only way I can convey the sheer level of FAIL is to do this is by breaking that down bit by bit:

"First officer's personal log”.
STOP!

Jonathan Frakes, what are you doing? There is no way I believe that you’re 11 years younger, 3 stone lighter, and don’t have to dip your head in a bucket of Just for Men before shooting. Okay, everyone gets old, and I probably won’t age one bit as gracefully as you, but seriously, why did you agree to this? Didn’t you know it’d make you look old & sad?

Same applies to Marina Sirtis. They didn’t bother with the make-up, they just brushed her fringe down in front of her forehead to cover any worry lines. Again, she doesn’t look 100,000 years old or anything, but suspension of disbelief is stretched a bit.
On the topic of ageing, the Enterprise bits are supposedly set 7 years after the previous episode, yet none of the cast look a day older. Except Hoshi has longer hair. I had longer hair when I was younger.

"With the unexpected arrival of Admiral Pressman, my old CO, I find myself in an awkward position"
STOP!
So, you’re busily playing with holodeck characters in the middle of the hugely important and stressful Pegasus mission? Okay, I know he was in sickbay with an injury he picked up sword fighting with Worf in the original TNG episode, so he clearly was doing something other than sitting in a dark room biting his nails when off duty, but the amount of time he spends in here suggests a lot more dossing off than I think is wise or plausible.

"Counsellor Troi has suggested I might get a few insights by calling up an historic holoprogram"
Sigh…. stop.
So you go to your best friend, who is also the ship’s counsellor for advice and she tells you to go do the equivalent of opening up an interactive CD on something like the Gettysburg Address for inspiration? I know Riker says it’s classified in the following scene and he can’t discuss details, but as advice goes, this is shit with a capital “S”. If one of my friends did that I’d tell her to fuck off, and if my counsellor did, I’d punch her in the face 60 times and demand a refund.

We also have to believe that Riker would think it‘s actually a good idea to go play with a recreation of Enterprise‘s last voyage, and isn’t smart or focused enough to make up his mind about what to do about his dark secret with Pressman himself.
D’you know, I think Troi might have been playing a huge joke on Riker here:
“Hey Beverly, I’ve got him to spend all his free time in that stupid programme about Jonathan Archer’s last mission!!!”
“Lol!
Finally, it’s Enterprise’s season finale, and it’s going to be as much about Commander Riker as about Enterprise? Yeah, that’s appropriate.

So, we’ll struggle on. Troi tells Riker to take on the part of the ships chef, because the crew all confided in him. Sorry, when did Enterprise’s, UNNAMED, UNSEEN chef become Guinan? That’s just bad writing.

I do appreciate that this shit stain of a storyline is set 6 or 7 years after the previous episode, and Enterprise could’ve gotten a new chef in that time, who is everyone’s best pal. But then they’re just saying “yeah, this new guy’s come in who’s important to this story, just accept it”, which is exactly as bad as saying this guy who’s mentioned but never seen is really important now, just accept it” Well at least Riker has the figure to play a chef. Okay no more comments about Frakes’ weight.

Anyhow, the basic plot of what happens on Enterprise’s last mission is that Shran’s daughter has been kidnapped and he needs Archer’s help, which could potentially make him late for his speech. If it’s that fucking important that he be there, why is he off-planet to begin with? Why didn’t Starfleet ground him behind a desk for a few weeks beforehand?

We have this lovely scene where he discusses whether to help Shran with T’Pol. And by “discuss” I mean he asks her to rubber-stamp his decision and tells her she’s a silly Vulcan when she disagrees, and that she should see past her prejudice against Andorians the way he saw past his prejudice against Vulcans.
Great, so T’Pol just needs to treat Shran in a manner that suggests he broke into her house and shat in the middle of her living room for a couple of years and then suddenly decide she’s okay with him, like Archer did with her?
Archer rounds out the scene by being a bad pet-owner by promising Porthos 6 different types of cheese because the chef is cooking everyone their favourite thing because it‘s the last mission. Well, Jonathan, enjoy cleaning up the shit, because that dog’s going to go off like a muck-spreader. God, I fucking hate Archer.

We then have T’Pol confiding in Chef:
“Hello there, T’Pol!”
“Hey Chef.”
I’ll stop. Chef, of course, is played by Riker and T'Pol “confides” in him about helping Shran. She tells him that she’s learned from those silly humans that following orders isn’t the most important thing in the world, which Riker finds really insightful and stops the programme, clearly resolved to do something.

When did Riker become so easily led? Anyway, he already knows that following orders isn‘t the be all and end all of being a Starfleet officer - When aboard the Hood, he refused to allow Captain DeSoto to beam into a hostile situation, I’m sure DeSoto didn’t order him to do that, for some reason.
Also, Troi could’ve just said “Gee Will, maybe following orders isn’t the most important thing in the world…”. surely her advice would carry at least as much weight as a holo-character of someone he’s never met

Onwards… Riker goes to the observation lounge to emo over the dead crew of the Pegasus a bit. So much for that resolve we saw just a scene ago.
He’s caught by Troi who senses guilt. Riker, of course, dodges the conversation and gets her to come to the Enterprise simulation with him. She’s initially reluctant because she has an appointment in an hour, but then she realises that she’s just going to send whoever it is to the holodeck anyway instead of helping them and goes with Riker.
While there, they see Tucker and, I swear I’m not making this up, Troi comments that he (Tucker) has no way of knowing that he won’t survive the mission.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Way to telegraph your planned heart-wrenching moment guys you stupid, shit-eating retards. Was the idea that we’d sit on the edge of our seats going “hmahmahmhmhmmhmhmhhmhm…. What’s going to happen to poor Trip… the suspense… I can’t watch.” or something?
Well, I suppose I really can’t watch, but it’s not because of suspense, because there isn’t any. I presume the idea was to create some by having this big elephant in the room that OMG TRIP IS GOING TO DIE!!!!, but it just didn’t work for me. Maybe it’s because I don’t like Tucker. I don’t care that he’s going to die.

Why don’t I like Tucker and care that he’s going to die?
Because he never shut up whinging about something. For 2+ seasons, it was those nasty, green-blooded, evil Vulcans. Then his dead sister. Then the fact that T’Pol, a member of a species he knows don’t openly display their emotions, doesn’t openly return his affection. Plus his accent annoys me. No real, actual American I’ve met sounds like that. I really wish that when he was whinging and suffering from insomnia over his dead sister, Phlox had just given him a book of Sylvia Plath poetry and a bottle of Amien (and yes I stole that from Family Guy) instead of recommending the neuropre - and I don’t even want to type that word.

Anyway, they get to where Shran’s daughter is being held hostage by evil aliens who we haven‘t seen before or since, distract them for 1/100th of a second with this fake jewel thingy, get Shran’s daughter, then have a fire-fight and escape. During the escape Tucker falls off a walkway - OMG HE’S GOING TO DIE!!!! - but no, he hangs on.
Phew, is your heart pounding? Because mine isn’t.

Incidentally, Shran and his kid call Archer “pink-skin” a lot. Because nick-naming people after their skin colour is harmless and funny.

We’re then treated to another scene of Riker/Troi blah blah blahing, where Riker tells Troi what’s really going on, with full details about Pressman breaking a treaty with the Romulans by seeking to develop cloaking technology. Troi simply says that she knows Riker will make the correct decision. I can’t quite make up my mind on her reaction, on one hand I can see what the idea is - make Riker do the right thing himself, it’ll no doubt look good on his personal development plan. On the other hand, he’s talking about Pressman ignoring the terms of a major interstellar treaty with one of the largest powers in the region, couldn’t you at least steer him towards the right thing a bit more?

Of course, the whole idea of placing this inside an existing episode where Riker’s actions are presented in a perfectly reasonable and competently explained manner that doesn’t involve making him look a shit-eating moron who can’t make up his mind up without talking to some holodeck characters is a load of turd anyway, so maybe I’m overanalysing.
You may also notice I’m talking about Riker more than about Enterprise. This is why Enterprise fans hate this episode. Because, fundamentally, the plot line is about Riker, not Enterprise or its crew. Oh, and if this really is supposed to be tearful goodbye from Berman to the whole franchise, where are The Original series, Deep Space Nine, & Voyager represented?

I have a much better plot if you want to do that. Here we go: Spock, Picard, Kira & Tuvok band together, go back in time to “Broken Bow”, massacre the entire Enterprise crew and destroy the ship, because it and its mission is an embarrassment to human history, Starfleet history, Federation history, and Star Trek in general and NEVER SHOULD HAVE FUCKING HAPPENED.
See, it’d be fundamentally be about Enterprise, with all the other Treks represented by their most awesome character. Well except DS9, but Dukat isn’t one of the good guys, so I don’t think he should be there, so Kira will do just fine.

Oh, but it only get’s better.
Riker again becomes the Chef and asks the crew about Fucker Tucker because they really want us to feel the pain of his imminent death. No, not working. I still don’t give a fuck about the racist, crying, fucknut. He goes through this shite with Reed, Hoshi,
MayOH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY GOT A SPEAKING LINEweather & Phlox before we finally get to the epic death of Tucker.

Ready? Pull up a chair.

Tucker and Archer are drinking whiskey, because men can only bond whilst drinking whiskey, and talking about Archer’s upcoming speech, when T’Pol pages them from the bridge to tell them to stop lubing those vibrators up and get to their stations because the evil aliens who had Shran’s daughter have followed them and they’re under attack.

On the way to engineering, the bridge or wherever they’re going, Tucker and Archer are apprehended by two of the evil aliens who’ve boarded Enterprise. They threaten to kill Archer if they’re not immediately led to Shran and his daughter. Archer refuses to help them, but Tucker agrees and has them knock Archer out, so no-one will stop his heroic self-sacrifice. He leads them to a communication panel, under the auspices of using it to summon Shran to them, but instead disconnects a plasma relay, opens up an access panel to another one and pauses (without being shot 17 times) to say:
“You can all go straight to hell!!!!!!!!”
Epic line. He then connects the plasma relay he’s holding (doesn’t he need gloves or something for that?) to the open one causing a huge explosion that kills the aliens, and him. Although he survives long enough to be brought to sickbay and die there after Archer re-assures him everything will be okay despite the fact that he’s clearly fucked.
The whole scene is flat and unmoving.
As is the following scene where T’Pol is packing away Tucker’s things after he dies and Archer makes an attempt at making her feel better. Although we do get Archer finally admitting that he was reckless fuckwit of a captain when Enterprise was first launched in order to make himself look great to further human exploration. But of course, his fuckwittery is validated when T’Pol tells him that Tucker considered it all worthwhile, even though secretly she probably thinks he’s a cunt.

Is this mind-dump done now? Is it fuck. Riker again puts on his chef’s hat and goes back in the story to before Tucker died and talks to him. The conversation ends with Tucker asking chef whether he’s staying in Starfleet or opening his own restaurant, and then telling him that he has a decision to make. Riker, too, realises that he has a real life decision to make.

But you knew this already, didn’t you Will? That’s why you’re playing with this inane programme, to decide what to do, isn‘t it? Why does Tucker telling you that have such a profound effect? Because you just saw a hologram of him dying? You’ve seen some of your own colleagues die, Tucker’s holo-death really shouldn’t be that earth shattering an event for you, especially when you knew it was going to happen.

In any case, Riker hangs on to the point where Archer has to make his speech, apparently, the most profound and famous piece of oratory in the history of the Federation, so much so that Troi says she memorised it in grade school.
Speaking of Troi, she comes in to see has Riker located his brain yet. He has, and he’s ready to talk to Picard about Pressman (he clearly mustn’t have got the chance though, since he doesn‘t tell Picard what‘s going on until after they find the Pegasus in the original episode), and they shut down the programme before Archer starts his speech.

Now, some people got pissed off that this speech, or even part of it, wasn’t in the episode, and I can see why. It’s a cop out, they’ve been alluding to it for the whole episode and then they don’t show it. It’s like saying Jessica Biel and Kiera Knightly are going to wrestle naked in jelly for 87 minutes of an episode and then eventually only showing them walking up to the ring.

But, let’s be honest here, such a speech from Archer would amount to:

“This wouldn’t have happened without humans. Humans are great. All you Vulcans, Tellarites, Andorians etc. hated each other until we came along, acted like brain-damaged gibbons and made you like each other through pure chance. No more will those Vulcan bastards hold the humans back. I’m great and have a big penis. My father would be so proud of me.”

I’d rather not see that, thanks.

And I’d rather not see this episode again. It’s poorly written, the setting makes no sense, the characterisations are rubbish, and it’s topped off with a feeble attempt to elevate a dislikeable character to martyrdom. No one likes this episode, even Brannon Braga admits that “some of it” didn’t work.

Overall it’s an insult to Enterprise, even it deserved better than this, and an insult to Star Trek.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Sat Jul 31, 2010 6:00 pm

One more that deserves a mention is the TNG episode Sub Rosa, aka "The One Where Dr. Crusher Has Sex With A Ghost", as featured (along with several of those above) on The Agony Booth's [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]. It's basically a bad ghost story (by Anne Rice!) transposed into Trek.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Sat Jul 31, 2010 6:06 pm

Keith Fraser wrote:
One more that deserves a mention is the TNG episode Sub Rosa, aka "The One Where Dr. Crusher Has Sex With A Ghost", as featured (along with several of those above) on The Agony Booth's [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]. It's basically a bad ghost story (by Anne Rice!) transposed into Trek.

Now that bit I didn't know. It would almost qualify the episode by itself.


And I forgot the DS9 episode where Worf goes to Risa and ruins everyone's holiday. Oh well, can't get them all...
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Sat Jul 31, 2010 6:12 pm

HC I love your rundown of your top ten worst Trek moments, but this line

Quote :
Well, Jonathan, enjoy cleaning up the shit, because that dog’s going to go off like a muck-spreader. God, I fucking hate Archer.

had me pissing myself. Good show!
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Tue Aug 03, 2010 9:17 pm

Hot Cancer wrote:
The Changing Face of Evil - Deep Space Nine

I just can't see this episode as worse than "Profit and Lace", "Prodigal Daughter" or "The Emperor's New Cloak". Yeah, it was full of plot holes. But something actually happened.

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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Tue Aug 03, 2010 11:15 pm

Spotts1701 wrote:
Hot Cancer wrote:
The Changing Face of Evil - Deep Space Nine

I just can't see this episode as worse than... "The Emperor's New Cloak".
It's been scientifically proven that no DS9 episode is worse than "The Emperor's New Cloak".
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Wed Aug 04, 2010 3:24 am

Quote :
Spock's Brain - The Original Series
Spock's Brain. Spocks brain. They stole Spack's Braaaaaainnn. Spcks Brain. Spks brnn,..... HURF DURF! Yeah, this episode is silly.

The Shatnerverse lampshades this with a Starfleet captain who can't stand Kirk discussing how at least some of the old mission logs must have been exaggerated if not outright faked. "Like that one where he reported his first officer's BRAIN was stolen. He honestly expected anyone to BELIEVE that?!"


Quote :
"Threshold" - Voyager

You forgot to mention that this is the one part of the entire franchise that everyone at Paramount points at and says "So bad it's not canon."


Quote :
Rick Berman described this as a “Valentine” to both the franchise and to
the fans. Well, fuck me, I’m glad I was never Berman’s special other,
because I’d describe this as a gypsy curse designed to finally finish
off a wasting cancer patient.


This is the man who fired Ron Moore because he pushed for more continuity, on the grounds that the audience doesn't want continuity (this, incidentally, makes 99% of Enterprise suddenly make more sense.) Everyone can say what they want about 'Trek 11, but if JJ Abrams had just taken a shit on a film reel and called it Star Trek, it still would've been better than Berman and Braga's years-long horseshit that ran the franchise into the ground.


Really, the best way of doing Star Trek is to forgive Voyager for its (many) problems and enjoy it for the good bits, pretend Enterprise doesn't exist, and watch [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.][You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] instead. Even HF's terribly produced first three seasons before the production team actually knew how to make believable effects (and even the extra asshatty "time travel and save the Titanic" early episode) are better than that crap.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Wed Aug 04, 2010 4:56 am

Spotts1701 wrote:
Hot Cancer wrote:
The Changing Face of Evil - Deep Space Nine

I just can't see this episode as worse than "Profit and Lace", "Prodigal Daughter" or "The Emperor's New Cloak". Yeah, it was full of plot holes. But something actually happened.

I've somehow, in several years of watching DS9 re-runs, managed to avoid seeing so much as a second of "Profit and Lace" (although I can't imagine something with Quark getting a sex change would be particularly good), and I haven't seen "The Emperor's New Cloak" or "Prodigal Daughter" all the way through in one go, so the awfulness of them must've been lost on me.

I think my really big omissions were "Let he Who is Without Sin..." and "A Night in Sickbay"
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Wed Aug 04, 2010 5:44 am

What? No mention of "The Way to Eden" (space hippies!!) or "And the Children Shall Lead" (brats!)?
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:07 am

Alhazred wrote:
Quote :
Spock's Brain - The Original Series
Spock's Brain. Spocks brain. They stole Spack's Braaaaaainnn. Spcks Brain. Spks brnn,..... HURF DURF! Yeah, this episode is silly.
The Shatnerverse lampshades this with a Starfleet captain who can't stand Kirk discussing how at least some of the old mission logs must have been exaggerated if not outright faked. "Like that one where he reported his first officer's BRAIN was stolen. He honestly expected anyone to BELIEVE that?!"
I do really like the idea that all of TOS is Kirk's interpretation of events rather than hard reality. It explains the boarderline Sue-ishness of the character and some of the inconsistencies rather nicely. Even more funny is to imagine him making up all those times he banged a hot space babe, and those times (or was it only once?) when Spock banged a hot space babe as well. Like, whenever Spock is somewhere else Kirk just makes up what Spock is doing. Or he is a total shipper and whenever a pretty girl gives Spock the eye Kirk imagines these huge senerios where Spock's control of his emotions breaks down and he falls in love but his love can never be realised because blah blah. Lol, maybe half-Vulcans do not even go into Pon Far and Kirk just throws that out there as an easy explaination to make his ships work... OK, that is going way too far. Sorry guys, I just kind of like the idea of Kirk being a competent but boring starship captain with an active fantasy life.

Probably what was intended was to say that the Enterprises adventures were so unbelievable that... people have trouble believing them. I prefer my way though.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Wed Aug 04, 2010 12:08 pm

Nihilist wrote:
You know, for all the bad Star Trek I've seen, nothing comes close to the horrifying mental imagery of Riker in a muu-muu. Yeah, season one of TNG is mostly stupid, but "Angel One" is right up there with Tasha Yar's dreaming of rape gangs. Mind if I do a review of "Angel One" in your thread, HC?

You, and anyone else, are invited to knock yourself out. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :


This is the man who fired Ron Moore because he pushed for more continuity, on the grounds that the audience doesn't want continuity (this, incidentally, makes 99% of Enterprise suddenly make more sense.)

Ugh, vintage Berman. Yet, TNG and DS9 were good and he has writing credits for stuff like Unification, so he couldn't be totally without talent. Maybe he just had better writers around and filled VOY and ENT with yes men. Although the "audience" might have accepted some bent continuity if the main three characters hadn't been thoroughly unlikeable and the supporting characters largely irrelevant. But we don't want to start Enterprise wank (or do we? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ).
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Wed Aug 04, 2010 4:55 pm

Hot Cancer wrote:
Ugh, vintage Berman. Yet, TNG and DS9 were good and he has writing credits for stuff like Unification, so he couldn't be totally without talent. Maybe he just had better writers around and filled VOY and ENT with yes men. Although the "audience" might have accepted some bent continuity if the main three characters hadn't been thoroughly unlikeable and the supporting characters largely irrelevant.
I wanted to like Enterprise. I really did. I'd have stuck around longer than the first season if Trip and Archer weren't such fucking douchebags. I'd have stuck around longer than the first season if Trip and Archer were douchebags but you were meant to hate them, instead of it being blatantly obvious that the writers thought they were hot shit and could do no wrong.

At least I got out of it before they made T'Pol into a crackwhore.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Thu Aug 05, 2010 10:53 am

Nihilist wrote:
Then Freddie Mercury comes on stage, and Kirk gave him his underwear.

"When I was 12... I... hadpicturesofyoushirtless. on my bedroomceiling! Inspired me. to. take myshirtoff at. every moment. possible."

Then they made out to the tune of "Fat Bottomed Girls".

*snort* Oh gawd if I had been drinking you would have owed me a new moniter.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Tue Aug 10, 2010 4:51 pm

Why does no one realize that [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] is about rape? (Oh but it's okay, because the alien made her want it.)

Why does no one realize that [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] is about rape? (Oh but it's okay, because it's a man being raped so it's funny.)
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Tue Aug 10, 2010 7:10 pm

Rape is okay as long as it is alien on human!
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Tue Aug 10, 2010 8:31 pm

Cactus Wren wrote:
Why does no one realize that [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] is about rape? (Oh but it's okay, because the alien made her want it.)

"The Child" is what happens when a writer's strike impacts a fledgling series still trying to find its footing. They had to keep churning out shows (they were only marginally bankable at this point, and Paramount was trying to do everything on the cheap in 1988), even if they had to dig into the bins and find cast-off scripts from the scrapped Phase II project.

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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Fri Aug 20, 2010 2:49 pm

OH MY GOD did anyone else know there's an episode of Enterprise where Archer gets three Orion slave girls as a gift? And of course they sashay around in sparkly bikinis and bead dresses with lots of lingering shot of their asses, making all the men crazy. And then the big reveal is that they aren't slaves at all, they actually have the power to make men do whatever they want. So it's STILL horribly offensive. What the fuck. Bermaga are just two overgrown frat boys, aren't they. I mean seriously.

You know what? I now declare the name of this show to be Star Trek Cancerprise.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Sun Aug 22, 2010 8:47 am

My introduction to Star Trek: Voyager was with the episode "Threshold."

My opinion of that show never really got out of that...

Still, Enterprise was worse.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Sun Aug 22, 2010 9:24 pm

It's been suggested the original Star Trek PHase II script that became "The Child" was heavily based on the Space: 1999 episode "Alpha Child," including lifting dialog. In "Alpha Child" the first baby born on Moonbase Alpha quickly grows into a five year old. This eventually turns out to be the doing of aliens who want to hide from their enemies in the bodies of the Alphans.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
It also shows similarities to the notorious Ms. Marvel becomes pregnant plotline from Marvel Comics Avengers, which some people call a rape plot.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Sun Aug 29, 2010 8:40 am

KJM wrote:
Spotts1701 wrote:
Hot Cancer wrote:
The Changing Face of Evil - Deep Space Nine

I just can't see this episode as worse than... "The Emperor's New Cloak".
It's been scientifically proven that no DS9 episode is worse than "The Emperor's New Cloak".
"Let He Who Is Without in" gives that a run for it's money, thought.

Is it just me, or did DS9 suck way hard when it did bad episodes? From the behind the scenes stuff I've come across, DS9 was always a group effort to produce, and every once in a while it seemed all the writers and producers all would green-light the same bad idea and no one said nay to it.

Still, I'd rather prefer DS9's bad episodes (Excluding "Without Sin") over the endless season of mediocrity that we got form Voyager and Enterprise.

Speaking of the latter, if you haven't watched season four, don't. It manages to rise above the complete boobery (hee hee, boobs. BOOBS! LOL, funny! ) that was seasons one and two, but Coto relied far too much on jamming reference after reference to TOS to carry his stories. We Enterprise fans were happy to have a showrunner who at least pretended to care what fans were thinking and I think he was trying to make up for B&B's general disregard to TOS, but I'll be daned if we needed a two- or three-episode long are to explain why TOS Klingons lacked forehead ridges. Anyone who'd hung unto Enterprise for four seasons was likely the type of fan that already knew the answer to that.

Fuck, I can't believe I actually liked that show.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Sun Aug 29, 2010 11:38 pm

I tried so hard to like Enterprise. I really did. Even through the Sueishness that was T'Pol (okay, maybe she gets better later on, but I really just wanted to shoot her in the few episodes I suffered through) and the complete, utter douchbaggery of our Glorious Leader and Beagle Lover, Archer. I kinda liked Trip. A little bit. He was also a douche, but he was a believable douche, and I kept hoping he might either grow out of it, or get called out on it.
Sadly, after almost an entire season of completely unmemorable plots, mostly unlikable characters (the ones that weren't unlikeable were as unmemorable as the episodes themselves) and some really, really terrible directing...I just couldn't take it anymore. I jumped ship, and have never looked back.

As for Voyager, I grew up on that. I have a tendency to mentally gloss over it's more failtastic moments. But does anyone else remember a weird episode with a borg...fetus...thing...that like...tried to take over the ship...
I'm not sure if that even happened, of if dreamed or something. o_O;;

Also, Spocks Brain.
I swear to God, that entire thing was a trollfic all the way around. In reality, it was the writers trolling us for the lulz, or possibly because they were all smoking dope that week. In universe, it was Kirk trolling Starfleet because...You know, I don't even know why anyone would come up with that unless they were on drugs, so let's just assume Kirk was smoking alien-dope that week too.



EDIT: Waitwait, I just remembered another one. Remember that one episode of DS9 (I have no memory for titles, can you tell?) where there was some thing with the Ferengi suddenly deciding their women could wear clothes (wait...you mean...they couldn't before?? Uhm, sure, okay. Whateveryasay, dude.) and therefor have equal rights (because that makes COMPLETE sense. Anybody who wears clothes must have the right to make a profit. This is why you don't see dogs and cats running movie theaters. Because they don't wear CLOTHES.) I don't quite remember how it happened, but I remember this somehow leading to Quark in drag. And no, it wasn't as horrifying as you might imagine. It was much, much worse. Sequins, man. Bloody sequins.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Mon Aug 30, 2010 12:10 pm

Yeah, the Ferengi women being naked was totally a thing. IIRC, they imply that Ferengi men have the hots for non-Ferengi chicks because clothing on women is like some taboo super-kink.

Fergengi was just a backward super-capitalist society. Having literally nothing to wear marking a person as a second class citizen makes perfect sense when you think about how importent personal material wealth is to the Ferengi, and having a large underclass of women to be second class citizens is a pretty important foundation for the type of society the promotes individuals hoarding shit-tons of cash.
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PostSubject: Re: Hot Cancer's 10 worst Star Trek episodes/movies   Mon Aug 30, 2010 12:20 pm

Gamma Vector wrote:
As for Voyager, I grew up on that. I have a tendency to mentally gloss over it's more failtastic moments. But does anyone else remember a weird episode with a borg...fetus...thing...that like...tried to take over the ship...
I'm not sure if that even happened, of if dreamed or something. o_O;;

D you mean [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]?
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