Amy Alkon -- fat-hating advice columnist

Okay, so I was browsing the Internet a few days ago, and happened to land on an 'advice columnist' dubbed The Advice Goddess.

Specifically, I landed on her article entitled "The Hag Rule", which bashed fat women so much that I nearly felt ill reading it.

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When Atlantic City's Borgata Casino hires "Borgata Babes," which is what they call their waitresses, they'd really, kinda, like them to be...well...babe-like. So, they told them they could lose their jobs if they gain weight.

Reality check: No, contrary to the "fat acceptance" ladies' contention, fat is not attractive.

Who died and made this chick the arbiter of what's attractive and unattractive?

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And men, except for a few chubby chasers, find fat women especially unattractive.

Because all men, everywhere, at all times, must find all women equally attractive?

I mean, I like thin guys and guys with long hair. But I don't find every thin guy or long-haired guy I see attractive. Besides, I barely notice other guys anymore since meeting my boyfriend.

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Fat women know this.

THOSE EVIL FAT WOMEN, WITH THEIR SUPRESSED COLLECTIVE KNOWLEDGE! THEY'RE LIARS, LIARS I SAY!

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They're just rather pretend it's not true, which takes a lot less effort than prying the fork out of their jaws, reading this book, and dragging their wide loads to the gym.

I like the image of fat women being fat because they have a fork in their jaws all the time. I suppose those evil chubby chasers put the forks there to hold the fatties' mouths open so that all that fattening food can just be poured in.

Also, 'dragging their wide loads'? This sounds like the words of a person who'd probably laugh at a big woman who WAS trying to exercise but had the termerity to 'drag her wide load' around in public.

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(Note that you don't hear thin women saying they "accept" themselves for how they look. And hot waitresses draw customers.)

Because anyone who says they 'accept' their body is trying to cover up for some deep-seated self-loathing? And honestly, I'd rather patronize a restaurant with good food and friendly waitresses of whatever appearance than a place that had Alkon's ideal 'babes' but had lesser service and food.

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The company told CNN/Money on Friday that the new policy applies to anyone -- including male bartenders -- who gains more than 7 percent of their body weight. But if the weight gain is caused by pregnancy or a medical condition, the company said, the server would be exempt.

... Why would their straight male clientele care about how much this place's male bartenders weigh? Or what they look like?

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Imagine that: They want hot women waitressing in a casino. Gasp! Not every woman is hot enough to be an Atlantic City cocktail waitress. Gasp!

Also, not everyone has the same ideal of beauty/handsomeness! Gasp!

Not every woman is so shallow as to automatically pick a guy she isn't attracted to or even loves because he has money! Gasp!

Some men are attracted to fat chicks! Gasp!

Okay, more fat-hating bullshit from Alkon in the comments:

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Some men do like the larger ladies. But most people, including fat people, would probably tell you (if you can get them to be honest) that people who are not obese or overweight are more attractive.

So, what, the majority's opinion just makes it so automatically?

Also, those damn lying fatties, again.

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Gay men are men , and thus, have the same standards for beauty as the hetero men. Lesbians, like hetero women, don't care as much about looks, generally speaking.

Yeah, because we totally don't see women drooling over hot guys, whether at their schools or in girls' magazines (from Tiger Beat to Playgirl). We totally don't see the sexualization of young, trim, muscular men in advertising, do we?

No, of course not.

Okay, here's some advice from Alkon regarding a fat wife that is not completely horrible, though it does contain the dubious sentence of

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As a form of daily guilt-i-vation, lay it on thick about loving her and wanting her to stick around; for example, "If you cared about me, you'd pry that cruller out of your jaws and join me for a walk!"

which strangely enough is the worst sentence in the whole piece.

But, Alkon makes a return to fat-bashing with "Donut Seem Unfair?", in which a husband laments that his wife has gained twenty pounds:

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In the dating phase, women do what it takes to attract and hang onto a man: looking after their looks and maintaining a figure that's more hourglass than beer keg. While there are some wives whose medical issues prevent them from losing weight, too many interpret "Till death do us part" as "You're stuck with me forever — more of me than you'd ever imagined." In worst cases, a woman will eat herself so big that Greenpeace tries to save her — until they realize that's a scrunchie on her head, not a decorative blowhole.

Beyond all the love hooha, marriage, especially as a child-farming enterprise, is a business partnership. Each partner has their end of the bargain to hold up, including not becoming substantially different from the person the other person married. Yes, I know it can be exhausting taking care of kids, and tedious lifting big old weights instead of Little Debbies. Well, it's exhausting and tedious earning a living, too, but imagine countering your wife's "I'm happy with my weight, and don't intend to change it!" with "I'm happy with the money I've earned, and plan to take the rest of my life off to drink beer and wax my car." Just guessing, but her response probably wouldn't be turning the other chin.

Read a response to Alkon's "Donut Seem Unfair?" here.

UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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They're just rather pretend it's not true, which takes a lot less effort than prying the fork out of their jaws, reading this book, and dragging their wide loads to the gym.

Yes, because it's that easy to lose weight. And while you're still fat, you deserve to be treated like an eyesore and an unperson. Asshole.

Not to mention that one visit to the gym effects a magical transformation that makes you instantly drop several stone and suddenly be a size eight or whatever. Because there's absolutely NO WAY a fat person could be, you know, actually in the process of losing weight.

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Note that you don't hear thin women saying they "accept" themselves for how they look.

Because:
a) people recovering from anorexia don't exist.
b) thin automatically equals conventionally attractive. That's right, no thin person has ever been mocked for blotchy skin, greasy hair, acne, or been made to feel insecure about a big nose, scars, ears that stick out etc.
c) no thin person is unhappy with how they look.

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Then again...perhaps I could make a few bucks suing Vogue for not putting me on the cover. In fact, I don't recall seeing myself on the cover of Elle lately...or ever, as a matter of fact. DISCRIMINATION! What is that number...1-800-LAWYER?

HOCK COCK COCK KILL YOURSELF

From her other article:

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marriage, especially as a child-farming enterprise, is a business partnership. Each partner has their end of the bargain to hold up, including not becoming substantially different from the person the other person married.

OOOPS QUICK EVERYBODY MAKE SURE YOU DON'T AGE, LET ALONE GET SICK WITH A CHRONIC OR LIFE-THREATENING ILLNESS THAT RAVAGES YOUR BODY AND LEAVES YOU WEAK AND BALD (YOU KNOW THE ONE I MEAN).

Not to mention that pregnancy and childbirth wreak substantial changes on a woman's body...and no matter how hard she exercises that weight may simply not come off.

I also love how the fact that men tend to put on weight around middle age never enters into it, because MEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES and women don't give a shit about men's looks. Gee Amy I wonder if that could have anything to do with the store set by women's looks (like you're doing here) and attractive women as status symbols for men, vs. women being forcefed "IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT COUUUUNTS" from the age of fucking five by fairytales, the media and whinging Nice Guys alike? No, that can't be it because EVOPSYCH HONK HONK HORK UPHOLDING AND JUSTIFYING THE STATUS QUO MMMMM PATRIARCHY I LOVES IT SO

I found this, and it's even more depressing.

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If you want me to hurl, speak admiringly of those wunnnnnnderful Dove ads that use "real" women (ie, of the "wide load" variety):

...

You know, if I want to see a herd of young women who are out of shape, all I have to do is fly home to America and open my eyes. If I'm buying a magazine or staring at your dumb billboard, I'd like to be rewarded with a look at the extraordinarly beautiful ones, 'kay?

For the record, she's talking about these women.

A "herd". Yeah, that couldn't possibly harken back to a herd of COWS, now could it.

This... woman. She comes in to defend herself in the comments on that blog titled "Up Yours, Amy Alkon." So does the guy with the "fat" wife who has put on some pounds. They are both defensive and extremely bigoted.

This shit makes me explosive with rage. Fuck Amy Alkon.

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Last year, I married my girlfriend of many years. She's my soul mate, but she gained a lot of weight this year. I'm extremely active, and believe it's essential to stay healthy. I always thought my wife believed that too, yet she now eats terribly and doesn't exercise. I've tried to get her to bike, ski, or come to the gym, but she shows little interest. I've even gone on diets with her, without success. Yesterday, she said she had Subway for lunch, but I found wrappers and a dated receipt in her car from McDonald's instead. Maybe she thinks how she looks doesn't matter anymore. If she continues to get fatter, will I still want to have sex with her? No...though I will since we're married. I'm at a loss. Am I being unreasonable?
--Weighted Down

Here's your advice, you shallow dipshit. Learn to fucking communicate with your wife. Or maybe you should take a close look at why you married the woman. 'Cause I have this funny feeling your "love" doesn't run very deep.

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Yesterday, she said she had Subway for lunch, but I found wrappers and a dated receipt in her car from McDonald's instead. Maybe she thinks how she looks doesn't matter

Nope, pretty sure it's because you're making her feel like shit about her looks. Great job working with your "soulmate" here.

OH WAIT LET'S TAKE AMY'S ADVICE

"Hey, honey, wanna pry that fork out of your slavering jowls and go for a bike ride with me so you can lose some weight? You know I only have sex with you because we're married."

"I want a divorce."

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What you're left with is a wife who's forgotten that she's supposed to be living for two, not eating for two; a soul mate fast becoming a soul team. As much as you want to want her, you simply have no control over what turns you on. So, after unsuccessfully dangling bikes and ski trips before her eyes, you've degenerated into a sort of junk-food Sherlock Holmes, sniffing for Twinkie breath and combing her car for evidence of unapproved saturated fat.

'cause I forgot that the best advice is to never. EVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE YOU LOVE.

Seriously. This whole talking thing? It only leads to disaster, everyone.

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If only you could meet this straight on, like you would if this were about illicit love instead of illicit lunch.

You why you can't meet this straight on? Because it's fucking shallow, and deep down, you know it. That's why you can't tell your wife.

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But, telling a woman she's fat -- "Cottage cheese belongs on a plate, with a slice of peach, not on your thighs!" -- breeds resentment, not diets.

Yeah because you have to tell her she's fat. It's not that you're concerned for her health. If you were, you could tell her. It's that you're a shallow asshole. So remember to do it the roundabout way, sir!

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Be ready for accusations that you're no longer attracted to her, given the current size of her hull. Deny, deny, deny! You hate bony women! The last thing you want is for her to waste away until she looks like some swizzle stick in shoes!

LYING IS THE KEY TO EVERYTHING MAKE SURE YOU LIE

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Make it clear that it's what's in her heart that counts -- or, rather, what could be: blockage from a bad diet if she keeps up the fast-food crawls. Sit her down and tell her you're terrified of losing her to diabetes or heart disease. Talk to her to see if she's depressed and using food as a psychological muumuu. Make her promise to get checked out by an M.D. and a shrink.

MANIPULATE HER IT IS THE ONLY WAY.

THIS IS HOW MARRIAGE WORKS. SUCCESS.

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As a form of daily guilt-i-vation, lay it on thick about loving her and wanting her to stick around; for example, "If you cared about me, you'd pry that cruller out of your jaws and join me for a walk!"

Haha, I only verbally abuse you because I care, honey, you fat fuck!

... grr. This woman just pisses me off. While I agree that many people's ideal weight would be skinny, I would rather be healthy and happy, even if I weighed more. Abstaining from fast food is a good thing, but indulging every once in a while isn't going to kill you either. And working out is cool and all, and I think it's awesome if people enjoy it, but I know quite a few heavier set people who don't like going to gyms because they feel inadequate, even as they are trying to fix the thing that's helping them feel that way.


And as for that husband who's so concerned about his wife's weight? Damn... Ink hit the nail on the head with that one: Shallow. Very, very fucking shallow.

Actually, Ink has inspired me. What if we were to all snark one of her advice columns and post them up in her comments section?

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Yesterday, she said she had Subway for lunch, but I found wrappers and a dated receipt in her car from McDonald's instead.

Yeah, cause that's not even remotely creepy or controlling...

I'd also really like to know which of the women from the dove commercial she thought was fat. Someone needs to tell her there is such thing as a healthy weight range.

Did I just agree with Cyberwulf? Wow.

This woman is an idiot. I don't need some idiot to tell me my weight is unhealthy. I know that. But I never planned to live forever.

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If you want me to hurl, speak admiringly of those wunnnnnnderful Dove ads that use "real" women (ie, of the "wide load" variety):

...

You know, if I want to see a herd of young women who are out of shape, all I have to do is fly home to America and open my eyes. If I'm buying a magazine or staring at your dumb billboard, I'd like to be rewarded with a look at the extraordinarly beautiful ones, 'kay?

This woman isn't projecting any personal issues at all. Not this flawless specimen of feminine beauty:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
I know I wouldn't if I looked like the androgynous love child of Bette Midler and Sarah Jessica Parker in Hocus Pocus.

I like her hair, that's about it.

My tastelessness aside, it only just now occurred to me that the paper in my hometown is one of many that runs Amy's column. If I didn't notice any sexism in her advice then, it was probably because I was too busy raging over her painful attempts to sound witty or funny. It's one thing to be a dumbass, but it's just a whole lot o' nothin' to be an unfunny dumbass.

Oh. And. I browsed her blog a bit more.

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...nobody was bending over backward to see that German and Russian were
spoken so [my ancestors] could get by. No, they were expected to learn the
English language, imagine that -- and they did.
STUFF
Until recently, that's always been the way in America: move here, melt
in, move up. Not any more. I call any number in California and there's
usually a wait while a message plays in Spanish first, then "Press One"
if you want English. Now, I understand if this is the case when you
call an emergency number. But, the rest of the time, maybe we shouldn't
be making it so easy on people to keep from blending in. Maybe what
it's ultimately doing is making it nearly impossible for them to move
up.

At least she's a true Murrican woman.

I don't realize that I'm a feminist 'til I see crap like this. What the hell is wrong with this woman? I can't wait 'til she gets old and ugly. She'll hate herself.

Love is about loving someone with their flaws... if twenty extra pounds can be called a flaw... and loving them as they change. You're not marrying someone for the few short years that they'll be the perfect prospect mate. You marry someone to spend the rest of your life with them.

You know, it's times like these that I actually kind of miss Lolita. I know she'd agree with at least half of what this woman said, and it's fun tearing someone a new asshole where they can read me doing it and respond.

That said, fuck this woman and the high horse she rode in on. It's because of her and people like her that this stupid internal fat vs. skinny war is going on with women, and shit like this does NOTHING to help us, as a group, overcome the negative body images and expectations that we all suffer from.

I hope she gains like, fifty pounds. Tomorrow.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Not to mention that one visit to the gym effects a magical transformation that makes you instantly drop several stone and suddenly be a size eight or whatever. Because there's absolutely NO WAY a fat person could be, you know, actually in the process of losing weight.

I love you, Wulfie. That's one of the things that's always depressed me the most about the average view of overweight people--they just see a fat person, never a person who's trying to lose weight. And it's like they not only assume they don't care, they also assume they don't know.

(Cue Mikey making an ass of himself in 3...2...1...)

Bamshalam wrote:

You know, it's times like these that I actually
kind of miss Lolita. I know she'd agree with at least half of what this
woman said, and it's fun tearing someone a new asshole where they can
read me doing it and respond.

...this. This right here. I've been trying for months to put a finger on why Lawlita always rubbed me the wrong way, and this is it. Thank you, Bamshalam.

God, this bitch is making me see red. Check out this article cited from the response.

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Complaining that men want beautiful women is like complaining that you
have to tuck cheese into your mousetrap and not a copy of the Financial
Times of London.

Because, y'know, men are just animals and can't appreciate anything but a pair of hooters.

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What men consider beautiful -- like youth, clear skin, long shiny hair,
and an hourglass figure -- are indicators that a woman is healthy and
fertile.

Know what else is an indicator that a woman is fertile? Fat. Glorious fat. From an evolutionary standpoint, the creature that is fat is more successful than the creature than is thin. And from a societal standpoint, fat was a sign of prosperity for thousands of years, until most people were wealthy enough to choose to starve, in which case it suddenly was attractive. Know what else is an indicator that women are fertile? Wide. Fucking. Child-bearing. Hips.

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You say, when you feel a connection, the guy's looks don't matter. The
truth is, because you're a woman, they probably matter less.

Yes, that's why I have 7,487 images in my porn folder plus the 989 images in my other porn folder plus the 41 pictures in my exclusively Cid/Vincent related porn folder plus the 718 megs of pornographic doujinshi, ALL of which consist of only men I find ATTRACTIVE. It's because I have a penis. OH WAIT.

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Women, overwhelmingly, want tall guys. How overwhelmingly? ABC News
polled women to find out, lining up short men next to taller men.
Reporter Lynn Sherr asked the women if there were anything that could
make the shortest, a five-footer, irresistible. "Maybe the only thing
you could say is that the other four are murderers," one woman replied.
Another agreed, saying taller men with criminal records might've
motivated her to look down for a man. Another put a finer point on
that, saying she'd have considered the short man had the taller ones
been described as "child molesters."

Three cherry-picked women out of an undisclosed number of polled individuals is overwhelming evidence? That's not even good science! That's it, you're not allowed to say words like "evolutionary indicators" until you learn to wear the big girl data pants.

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There are guys out there who'll be interested in what's in your heart
-- you just might have to give them an evening or so to say everything
that needs to be said to your cleavage.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha kill Wulfie kill.

If we're starting a bandwagon to snark articles, I'm in.

I'm with Delcat. Let's snark the shit out of her stuff. INTERNET SUPERHEROES AWAYYYYYYY

Oh, God. Has anyone read this little treasure yet?

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It isn't racist to expect things to be different...to be better...to
tell black women (and all women) that they have no right to be "single
mothers by choice." What is racist is not saying anything to
or about the vast numbers of single black women who have sex without
birth control and who bring children into this world who will not grow
up with fathers.

*Sniffs* Her compassion is overwhelming.

LOL BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T RAISE A CHILD RIGHT WITHOUT A FATHER AMIRITE

OH YEAH I HAVE TEA WITH ANN COULTER

Delcat wrote:

...this.
This right here. I've been trying for months to put a finger on why
Lawlita always rubbed me the wrong way, and this is it. Thank you,
Bamshalam.

Yeah. I just remember deciding not to like her after the whole "OH MY GAWD TYRA WANTS SHORT MODELS, THE BLASPHEMY" thread she started. She seemed to have really high standards for others' appearances when her own was...well, yeah. Not gonna go there.

Delcat wrote:

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There are guys out there who'll be interested in what's in your heart
-- you just might have to give them an evening or so to say everything
that needs to be said to your cleavage.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha kill Wulfie kill.

OH MY FUCKING GOD.
WHAAAAAT.

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It isn't racist to expect things to be different...to be better...to
tell black women (and all women)

(But especially the black women)

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that they have no right to be "single
mothers by choice." What is racist is not saying anything to
or about the vast numbers of single black women who have sex without
birth control and who bring children into this world who will not grow
up with fathers.

Indeed. I cry an endless river of tears for her and her White Women's Burden of having to hold her tongue when she's about to spout racist garbage, the poor dear. She's just trying to help, really.

Even more heroic and caring are her readers!

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Bottom line 99% of women on public assistance are paid for their promiscuity.

Take away the money and the problem stops.

A tear, it comes to my eye.

InkWeaver wrote:

I'm with Delcat. Let's snark the shit out of her stuff. INTERNET SUPERHEROES AWAYYYYYYY

We need a cape.

Bamshalam wrote:

Delcat wrote:

...this.
This right here. I've been trying for months to put a finger on why
Lawlita always rubbed me the wrong way, and this is it. Thank you,
Bamshalam.

Yeah. I just remember deciding not to like her after the whole "OH MY GAWD TYRA WANTS SHORT MODELS, THE BLASPHEMY" thread she started. She seemed to have really high standards for others' appearances when her own was...well, yeah. Not gonna go there.

Go there, please. I always remember her slipping out something about her being in a model agency, and I would go "lolwut?"

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Bottom line 99% of women on public assistance are paid for their promiscuity.

Where did she get that number? From a government study? No. From a newspaper report? No. Oh, that's right...she pulled it out of her ass.

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Bottom line 99% of women on public assistance are paid for their promiscuity.

While I don't live in an area with a high population of black people, I DO live in an area with a high population of Native Americans (hereafter abbreviated to Natives). Quite a few of them are on welfare, or some sort of social program, as well as the "hand-outs" which are given out by the government. As much as I dislike Natives, I would NEVER ever say that 99% of them are squeezing out kids just to get on DA FAT WELFAREZ. There are a lot more issues clouding it than to just say that: rampant alcoholism, poor education, poor living quarters, a society surrounding the minority group who really don't give a fuck, etc etc etc. Sadly, they need the extra money to get by.

Granted, some of them don't work, and don't try to work. However, I would actually bet that percentage is in the minority. They are in a situation people would never willingly choose to be in, mired in poverty. It's not pretty, and it's not of their making. I feel a lot of sympathy for their plight. I would imagine being black and growing up in the ghetto is similar: no education, no real job prospects, no real anything except for crime and welfare.

What would this reader want to happen? Stop supporting them? And what about people who lost their jobs in this crappeh economy? It's bullshit. You can't make legtimate generalizations without knowing at least some of the facts.

This whole column and her faithful readers make me a little sad and very angry.

Delcat wrote:

God, this bitch is making me see red. Check out this article cited from the response.

Quote :

Complaining that men want beautiful women is like complaining that you
have to tuck cheese into your mousetrap and not a copy of the Financial
Times of London.

Because, y'know, men are just animals and can't appreciate anything but a pair of hooters.

And here's my favorite comment from that article:

Norman wrote:

I wonder how this 21-year-old reacts to the sight of a baby. If she's like most other women she'll be all over it, cooing and gurgling. Yet her behaviour is based entirely on the infant's appearance. She does not know anything about the child's internal state of mind before she starts going cootchy-coo and tickling it under the chin. For all she knows it could be a democrat.

How exactly is this different from men being attracted to women?

Way to tell it like it is, Norman. A fully grown woman is exactly the same as a baby that has yet to grow and develop a personality.

...Oh. Oh hell no. Bitch is going down.

This is some of the most sexist drivel I've read in awhile. And it always pisses me off when stuff like this is spouted by women.