Strange sex advice guides

In order to make this thread a wee bit more relevant to subcultures, this thread is for all the weird sex advice guides you've found.

Here is what I have to offer. It's a 1960s sex advice guide, teaching young people the art of sex. Let's all be growunps here and not giggle at the vast forest of armpit hair sprouting from our cover girl.

The first few pages are fairly innocuous, providing an innocent guide to Holding A Lady's hand, and progressing to the sensual acts of Cleaning A Man's Shoes, followed by the utter ecstasy of Poking A Lady's Nose. This utter filth of these naughty naughty sex acts is tempered by An inexplicable naked lady right in between the hand holding instructions and the arm holding instructions. I am not sure why she is there. She is not the same lady as the cover girl. She never appears again.

The instructions then take on a slightly more practical aspect. First we learn what to do with the belly button. I know what you're thinking, and it's what I would have guessed too. It's not that, surprisingly.

Men! Do breasts confuse you? Follow our simple arrows, and you'll look like you know what you're doing! Or not. The first panel appears to be advocating the "tuning a radio" approach.

Next up, we have how to pleasure a test tube. I found this guide very useful when I was propositioned by a small laboratory.

At this point, the sex guide takes a turn for the bizarre, and we are presented with instructions on how to receive oral pleasure from a wooden figure floating in midair. The wooden figure is clearly some sort of legend, as he is then seen pleasuring our model (who is neither cover girl, nor naked girl) in a variety of positions. He is a legend in the bedroom. He has this woman under his spell even though he lacks a penis and is perpetually standing five feet away.

And fuck you, guide, too

ZoZo wrote:

...the utter ecstasy of Poking A Lady's Nose.

...That's more cute than sexual.

ZoZo wrote:

The instructions then take on a slightly more practical aspect. First we learn what to do with the belly button. I know what you're thinking, and it's what I would have guessed too. It's not that, surprisingly.

...

That feels awesome, actually.

But, yeah, instructions look hilarious. I mean, what? There's nothing there.

I will bite anyone who touches my bellybutton. I don't know why, but it is one of the most thoroughly uncomfortable, unpleasant sensations I've ever encountered.

InkWeaver wrote:

I will bite anyone who touches my bellybutton. I don't know why, but it is one of the most thoroughly uncomfortable, unpleasant sensations I've ever encountered.

For me it's the chin.

InkWeaver wrote:

I will bite anyone who touches my bellybutton. I don't know why, but it is one of the most thoroughly uncomfortable, unpleasant sensations I've ever encountered.

I used to hate touching my bellybutton because it felt weird and uncomfortable, but now I actually like it when my boyfriend touches it, either gently or slightly less-than-gently. Never thought I'd like that at all before it started happening, but I do. /tangent

Ink, the reason you (and I, I think) might dislike bellybutton touching is because since it's technically a scar, it could have lots of wacky-ass neuromas, so it is consequently more sensitive to uncomfortable/painful feelings than other parts of the body. Just a theory, feel free to offer your own....

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

You're welcome.

Does anyone have that Spiderman sex guide that looks like it's from the 60s?

Delcat wrote:

(horrible furry comic about bellybuttons)
You're welcome.

...I... hate you right now.

Malganis wrote:

(horrible furry comic about bellybuttons)

furry

furry

furry

Lady, you best be trollan.

Malganis wrote:

Delcat wrote:

(horrible furry comic about bellybuttons)
You're welcome.

...I... hate you right now.

Never say that about the genius that is Achewood again.

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

Does anyone have that Spiderman sex guide that looks like it's from the 60s?

Just Google "spiderman venereal disease", it's the first thing that comes up.

ETA: And it ain't the only time Spidey's talked about sex either.

Delcat wrote:

Malganis wrote:

(horrible furry comic about bellybuttons)

furry

furry

furry

Lady, you best be trollan.

No, I have no idea what it is, aside from the characters being creepy-looking little... bears? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Sorry for calling it furry (because on second glance it's not), but... damn that squicks me.

Mafiosa wrote:

Never say that about the genius that is Achewood again.

Well, to be fair, the "horrible" descriptor most likely was both content-based and warranted in this instance.

Go forth and better your mind, Mal.

Quote :

Well, to be fair, the "horrible" descriptor most likely was both content-based and warranted in this instance.

This only further proves the point that even in brilliant comics, belly buttons are horrible, horrible things.

Mafiosa wrote:

This only further proves the point that even in brilliant comics, belly buttons are horrible, horrible things.

At the same time, though, it's not like Achewood's ever needed to go far to keep people up nights.

"Mommy? I...I made a really bad choice...*snf*"

Mafiosa wrote:

This only further proves the point that even in brilliant comics, belly buttons are horrible, horrible things.

At least none of them were outies. Brr.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

I LOVE yah honey I LOVE yah.

Gotta love Chicago.

Indigo wrote:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

I LOVE yah honey I LOVE yah.

Gotta love Chicago.

It's Frankenstein boobs!

*looks at link* Someone needs a diagram to tell them how to touch a woman's breasts? I mean, I would think all the instruction you would need is to not squeeze or bite them too hard.

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

Does anyone have that Spiderman sex guide that looks like it's from the 60s?

Just Google "spiderman venereal disease", it's the first thing that comes up.

ETA: And it ain't the only time Spidey's talked about sex either.

... I never expected Spiderman to come that close to calling someone a jive turkey.

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

Does anyone have that Spiderman sex guide that looks like it's from the 60s?

Just Google "spiderman venereal disease", it's the first thing that comes up.

ETA: And it ain't the only time Spidey's talked about sex either.

Spiderman sefe sex comic wrote:

What the Facts are...

About homosexuality
The way a person looks or acts is no clue to homosexuality.
Having a close friends, or being attracted to a person who's of the same sex doesn't mean you're a homosexual, or ever will be.

Gee, thanks Stan Lee, I was worried there for a moment.

I also like the bit about careers. "Women can grow up to be doctors too, so do not get preggers and drop out of school girlies~"

OK, I've found another one. This one is, unfortunately, a little less lulzy and a lot more offensive. It has the same "edgy" humour as those love shy guys.

Ways not to fuck up a fuck

Quote :

I’ve compiled a brief list of (sex) crimes that people often commit when they’re so into a girl they can’t see that they’re acting like a fucking jock, just so as yoos can check yourselves before it gets out of hand.

In and of themselves, these things aren't too bad. It's the explanations that are really creepy.

Quote :

Lying about having already done it
...
Two things then happen: she feels totally violated and refuses to talk to you (this shit is worse than rape for some girls), and the guy tells everyone what a fucking loser you are for lying about it.

Yep, they're making a big fuss over rape, too. Silly women.

Quote :

9 times out of 10 you will have said it because you’re so into her but you were worried that other people might get to her before you (which is lame but kind of cute), but ten times out of ten people will think you did it to show off and look the big man for something you didn’t even do (which is pretty unpleasant).

MARK YOUR TERRITORY BY SAYING YOU HAVE ALREADY HAD THIS WOMAN. She will be impure and therefore all yours.

Quote :

Getting mad that it’s not happening
After a few weeks of being a nice fucking guy (probably about a month of talking on the phone, meeting on lunch breaks and staying over but getting nothing) things get pretty frustrating.

This is the only reason one would ever want to hang out with a woman, of course.

Quote :

If nothing at all has happened at the six week mark, leave it, because she knows what the fuck is up but she just doesn’t find you attractive and the best thing you can do is walk away, cos if she’s the kind of self-involved bitch that keeps a sucker hanging around for 6 weeks then she’ll miss the attention and be on your dick in no time.

I... I have no words for this.

Quote :

If she really was just biding her time and checking you were the nice guy you were acting like (she probs just came out of a long thing with some other who shouted at her and stuff), then you just fucked it by screaming “what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you trying to upset me and ruin my life with this shit?!?” an inch from her face, and she’ll quietly ask you to leave and that’ll be it.

Poor men just can't control themselves and women who do this are, after all, just dick teasing whores.

Quote :

Unsolicited suggestive texts
..
because you have no idea what she’s doing at the moment she receives it. She might get it while she’s changing her tampon or changing her grandad’s underwear cos he is in the final ‘pooping a lot’ stages of Alzheimers, or she might be helping out at a rape crisis centre. None of these things are sexy and even if she’s not doing one of those horrible things, even though you’ve got your dick in your left hand as you type there’s such a slim chance that she’s gonna be feeling sexy at the same time as you that you’re just going to look like a dirty fucker, and SHE KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE DOING WHEN YOU SEND IT.

You should only contact a woman when she is sexy. Any activities other than thinking about you are unsexy.

Quote :

Sleeping in their bed and trying it on over and over again
If you’ve been trying and trying with a girl who’s not so sure but at least keen to talk to you, and it gets really late and she says you can sleep over at hers, but then stipulates a ‘no funny business’ clause in the verbal contract of you sleeping in her bed, then you’ve got to suck it up and take it, pal. ‘No’ does sometimes mean ‘yes’, but if she’s been firm about it before you’ve got under the covers, then just roll over and go to sleep, safe in the knowledge that you’ve made some healthy baby steps towards wetting your dick but tonight is not the night.

You read that right. No apparently means yes, sometimes, and by not raping her immediately, you're definitely in there.

Quote :

Everyone knows the above option is the best one, but after a few drinks, so many go for the option involving roaming hands being knocked back over and over again, one final semi-violent attempt at holding her down and making out with her and then a disgruntled exhalation of breath and a roll over/you getting thrown out of her bed.

She won’t think you’re an actual rapist and call the police, but she’s call you a rapist to all her friends and you’ll never sleep in her bed again and none of her friends will want to fuck you.

I realise more and more these days, just how nice and functional I have it in my nice little world of companionship.

...I'm guessing this last one was written by someone from love-shy?

Yubisaki wrote:

...I'm guessing this last one was written by someone from love-shy?

Can't be, it kept stopping short of actual rape and said nothing about stalking and murdering her after she stops talking to you for being a creepy fuck