Becoming Female

The writer of this... for want of a better word, I will say "story", must be one of us. S/h/it is pushing every single button that GAFF and WGW were created to mock. Wouldn't it be great if GeorgeUK was outed as the author?

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"Gilderoy, you're back!" I screamed. I couldn't believe it! He was alive afer all and he looked just as sexy as ever!

I thought he fell into the Atlantic ocean.

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"Yep!" said Gilderoy

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Applejack and Big Macintosh disapprove of your use of a copyrighted phrase. Especially in a poor man's My Immortal.

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He opened the ring box and I gasped

The ring was from Poundland.

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It had six rubies on it and twelve sapphires and the ring part was made out of pure gold!

"It's not right! I wanted at least TEN rubies and TWENTY sapphires! I hate you! I'm never speaking to you again!"

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"what happened to you, Gilderoy?" I asked him. "How did you get away from that sexist idiot Ron Raper?"

Sexist!Ron count: 62

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"Ron Raper sent me to Malfoy Manor," explained Gilderoy sexily.

Sexily? Well, how would you react if you were on sexchat and the girl on the phone said "Ron Raper sent me to Malfoy Manor"?

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"They locked me up in there, but Bellatrix is a feminist, so she was unhappy with most of the Death Eaters being so sexist. I convinced her to set me free and then we defeated Voldemort together. He's in Azkaban now."

If Bellatrix was unhappy with someone being sexist, she'd simply blow them to bits. And as if Azkaban would hold Voldemort.

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"What happened to the Death Eaters?" I asked worriedly.

"Well, the thing is...AVADA KEDAVRA!"

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"Most of them got away, including Lucius and Wormtail," said Gilderoy sadly. "They've moved to New York. They work for Ron Raper now."

"That sexist idiot!" I yelled angrily.

Sexist!Ron count: 63

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"Bellatrix is on our side now," added Dumbledore. "She's joined Hogwarts and she'll be teaching a class on feminism starting tomorrow."

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"Also this means I have control of my family's money again," said Draco in a handsome voice. "I used it to buy the ring and I donated the money from the talent show to the W.A.S.S. foundation or Women Against Stupid Sexism.

"However, they only accept donations from women."

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They'll use it to tell everyone the truth about Ron Raper's sexist ad agency, Sexist Cooper Advertising."

Given that it's called "Sexist Cooper Advertising" and it's run by someone named Ron Raper, I think everyone can figure out the truth for themselves. Sexist!Ron count: 64

Next time on Becoming Female: They get a wedding planner (also, it's filler)

Chapter 43, in which they get a wedding planner.

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We went to Defence Against the Dark Arts, which had been renamed Flirting 101.

So what are they going to do when Voldemort attacks?

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We all did it.

Woah, I thought this was just flirting, not an orgy.

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I showed Draco some leg (although he'd already seen all of me) and wasn't a slut, so I got the top grade and stuff.

How do you show leg without being a slut anyway?

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"Hey Sirius, want to be our wedding planner?" I asked Sirius.

Chapter 44, in which there's Bad News.

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An: How many times do I have to explain I don't in any way share the sexist views of that sexist idiot Ron Raper?

Really? Then why are the girls obsessed with boys, shopping and sex? Sexist!Ron count: 65

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The next day I woke up from a bad dream about zombies and pineapples.

The worst kind: sexist zombies and pineapples.

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a pink and orange tweed jersey with the number "0" on it,

Which is the mark you'd receive in a fashion contest.

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Bellatrix was sitting with the teachers, but she was wearing all white because she was good now.

So...white = good? Racist much?

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"I have bad news," said Dumbledore as he nakedly stood up.

"The Dark Lord Voldemort is attacking Hogwarts."

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W.A.S.S. made everyone see how sexist that sexist idiot Ron Raper is and he got driven out of New York. No one there likes him anymore and he was even voted the most sexist man alive by People Magazine."

Knowing Ron Raper, he probably took it as an honour. Sexist!Ron count: 66

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"You see, Ron Raper brought his sexist ad agency across the ocean. They made friends with that sexist idiot Aberforth Dumbledore and set up their new headquarters in the Hog's Head."

Since when was Aberforth sexist?

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"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled

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I gasped! How could I buy new clothes now?

Just wear some of the 10,000 garments you already have.


Next time on Becoming Female: Bellatrix Fun

Chapter 45, in which Bellatrix is fun. (This is going to suck...)

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We went to the room where Bellatrix would teach us things. She was wearing white now because she was good and it made her look like an angel.

Mass murder? Racism? Torture? Terrorism? All forgiven because she isn't sexist.

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"Today we'll learn about self-defense," said Bellatrix in a feminist voice.

"You point your wand and say 'Crucio!' You have to mean it."

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I'm hoping that if you all know how to protect yourselves from getting raped by sexist idiots like Ron Raper, Dumbledore might change his mind and let you all go to Hogsmeade after all anyway."

Sexist!Ron count: 67

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After all, Ron Raper and the other sexist people working for Sexist Cooper Advertising were REALLY sexist.

Sexist!Ron count: 68

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The boys would pretend to try to rape the girls and the girls would practice defending themselves with Kung Fu Ninja Karate.

You can't just invent something by mashing words together, I mean, I could do that. Kentucky Fried McBurger King. See?

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The sexist boys in the class weren't allowed to participate because they were sexist and might try to rape the girls for real and that would be bad.

Rape is bad. WE GET IT ALREADY!

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Those bimbo sluts Parvati and Lavender failed because they didn't really try.

And because Kung Fu Ninja Karate doesn't actually exist.

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I could tell it was hard for him to pretend to be sexist because he was such an unsexist gentleman.

No he isn't.

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At the end of the class, Bellatrix apologized for making him act so sexistly and explained how it had been necessary for me to learn my lesson.

Next time, get Ron Raper to do it.

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I gasped! I had forgotten it was that soon.

Better go on another 50 shopping trips.


Chapter 46, in which more stuff happens.

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AN: Ha, ha, you all said I was a bad writer, but now I've been added to Flecktrike's community. Look who's laughing now!

Everyone who's reading this.

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Me and Draco went over the wedding list with Narcissa and other people.

"So we're bringing Tonks, Hagrid, Colin, and Mad-Eye too?" said Sirius, looking over the list thing because he was the wedding planner and he was also going to be the best man and stuff.

3 of them are dead.

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"Yeah, and remember we want it pirate themed,"

This is a wedding, not a 5-year-old's brithday party. Unless you're planning to theme it around selling knockoff DVDs.

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"And everyone better wear cool pirate outfits or they're not invited!" I shouted amazingly. Everyone laughed, but they still took what I said seriously because it was very important. My wedding by totally ruined forever if one person showed up not dressed as a pirate!

Crystal sounds like the brats on My Super Sweet 16.

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"My wedding is going to be just like I always pictured it!" he said happily. I kissed him EVERYWHERE.

Even his boy's thingie?

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"Something bad's happened!" he said heroically.

Ron Raper has become Minister for Magic!

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"A first-year girl named Fanny wandered down into Hogsmeade for no reason because she was a first year and didn't know any better!"

Aren't first-years supposed to be 11/12?

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We all gasped, knowing she might get raped by the sexist people working for Sexist Cooper Advertising like that sexist idiot Ron Raper!

Sexist!Ron count: 69 ( )

Next time on Becoming Female: A plan.

This fic is amazing.

If sexist! ron hit's 100, I will proceed to wonder why it's not a meme.

Chapter 47, in which there's A plan.

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We all decided to rescue Fanny from the people who were bad in the town.

Better hurry. Ron Is So Sexist Satan Raper could nab her at any second.

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We went into the Chamber of Secrets so we wouldn't be overheard. We took the big dead snake thing and turned it into a circle and we all sat down on it and had a meeting.

Only to be eaten by an even bigger snake. The end.

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"I say we just go down there and get her," said Gilderoy. He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson!

But you could run into Ron Raper!

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"We need to have a plan," said Bellatrix. She was wearing white angel clothes because she was good now.

Bellatrix...good...DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT NBGJUKLRENHBVJLOERHNJL

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*One reboot later*

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"Crystal should go with you since she's the Chosen One and stuff and she should see important things."

Plot point ahoy!

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"But we better go now if we want to save Fanny from being raped by sexist idiots like that sexist idiot Ron Raper!"

Sexist!Ron count: 70

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Dumbledore whistled and Fawkes flew in. We all grabbed onto each other's hands and Dumbledore grabbed onto Fawkes. Then Fawkes flew us out of the room like in my second year. The wind blew Dumbledore's beard between his legs, so I couldn't see his ding-dong even though I was right under him. We landed in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and we all made fun of her because she was a slut. She cried because she deserved it.

What charming people.

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Then we went to Hogsmeade to save Fanny from the sexist people who might evilly rape her!

But first, we decided to go shopping.

Next time on Becoming Female: Crystal saves Fanny epically.

Chapter 48, in which she saves Fanny epically.

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Me and Gilderoy went to the Honeyduke's building which sold candy because little children like candy.

Gilderoy and I.

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We saw a little girl there who was probably Fanny. She was wearing pink overalls and holding a bright orange teddy bear.

No, that's a random 3-year-old. Fanny is shoplifting the off-license down the street.

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"I want the candy!" she said cutely.

"Sorry, some guy named Ron just took the last of it so that girl's couldn't have it."

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Fanny started to cry because she was a first year and didn't understand why people wouldn't give her candy.

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Suddenly, an evil black limousine magically pulled up outside.

How did we know it was evil? Because it parked on a double yellow line.

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"You want candy, little girl?" he asked pedophileily. "Jump in the car with me! Then I'll give you one piece of candy for each clothing you take off in front of me sexily."

All that's needed now is a handlebar moustache.

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"Okay!" said Fanny because she didn't know any better because she was a first year and little kids don't know anything except that candy tastes good.

No wonder they always fail their exams.

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I jumped at Lucius and Gilderoy made Fanny go back to the school with him by giving her candy.

Which is just as suspect.

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"That'll teach you to be so SEXIST!" I yelled at Lucius.

Never mind the fact that he was a paedophile, it's the fact that he was SEXIST that was the worst thing.


Chapter 49, in which she needs Draco now.

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I looked exactly like Princess Leia when she was forced to wear the sexist outfit by that slug man in the movie!

You mean Jabba the Hutt?

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Suddenly, a sexist guy walked in the room!

Sexist!Ron count: 71

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His ugly red hair was sexistly slicked back and he was giving me secondhand smoke with his unhealthy cigarette! He was dressed like from a hundred years ago or whenever "Mad Men" takes place.

"Mad Men"? That takes place in the 1960s.

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He was that sexist idiot Ron Raper!

Sexist!Ron count: 72

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"You are now my slave!" he laughed sexistly. "You'll work as my secretary and I'll only pay you 75 cents on the dollar

Doesn't that defeat the point of slavery?

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"That's SEXIST!" I yelled.

Sexist!Ron count: 73

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How could Draco find me and save me from that sexist idiot Ron Raper now?

Sexist!Ron count: 74

Chapter 50: In which Sexist Cooper Advertising.

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I went upstairs to the offices.

Ron Raper must have done a piss-poor job of locking you in.

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Ron Raper had built a New York building with glass walls and everything coming out of the top of the Hog's Head.

It won't be that hard to spot then.

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"Hello, I'm Joan Whoreoway," she said stupidly. "Don't be so shy. You have an amazing body and you should share it with the whole room!"

I've never seen Mad Men. However, I know it's better than this.

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Suddenly, Ron Raper sexistly stepped out of his stupid office. He was wearing an old suit with ugly slicked back red hair!

Sexist!Ron count: 75

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"I would like to see Crystal Potter in my office immediately," he said lasciviously, holding his sexist cigarette sexistly. I knew he would probably try to rape me, but I had no choice but to come!

How can a cigarette be sexist? Sexist!Ron count: 76. Also, don't you have Kung Fu Ninja Karate?

Chapter 51: An escape from rape.

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"We both know why you're here," Ron Raper said badly as he locked me in his office with him. "I'm a sexist man with a sexist man's needs and you've got what I need - a woman to rape for no reason!"

At least he's honest. Sexist!Ron count: 78

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"YOU'RE SEXIST!" I screamed epically.

Sexist!Ron count: 79

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"You sexist idiot!" I yelled. "Who would have thought that you would turn out to be the sexist rapist jerk while Draco would be the perfect gentleman?"

Sexist!Ron count: 81

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I cheated on Hermione with that stupid slut Lavender

Ron wasn't going out with Hermione when he dated Lavender.

Long story short, Crystal beats up Ron Raper before he can get to her most treasured possession.

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Lucius was pointing his tiny wand at me!

"Avada -" he began.

Before he could finish, I jumped through the glass wall and started to hurtle towards the ground. I knew I would die, but at least this way I wouldn't get raped!

Next time on Becoming Female: Somebody dies and it might be Crystal.

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Before he could finish, I jumped through the glass wall and started to hurtle towards the ground. I knew I would die, but at least this way I wouldn't get raped!

Next chapter:

Crystal splatters on the street and dies.

Sexist Ron Raper sexistly strides down to the street, and sighs sexistly. "It won't be as much fun to rape her if she can't scream and cry. Oh well"

Ron Raper proceeds to sexistly take off his sexist pants and sexistly rape Crystal's corpse anyway.

"I AM A SEXIST NECROPHILIAC!!!" he screams sexistly as he sextistly bones Crystal's corpse's pleasure hole.

Chapter 52, in which someone dies and it might be Crystal.

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I made him awesome because he was played by the hot guy who plays Edward Cullen now.

No, he was played by Kenneth Branagh. Who's from Northern Ireland.

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Suddenly, I heard an epic cool sound making noise! I turned to see Sirius was flying towards me on his flying motorcycle thing.

Deus ex Machina away!

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"I'll save you, Crystal!" he said godfatherly.

Only to mistime it and hit Crystal instead.

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that awesome movie "Attack Of The Clones".

Did you just call one of the later films "awesome"? BLASPHEMY!

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"Are you okay, Crystal?" he asked me in a very sexy voice. I couldn't help but feel a little attracted to him even though he was my godfather and that meant us being together would be wrong. I was sure he probably felt the same way about me through, so it was cool.

And then they had sex. And then Sirius took off his mask. He was Ron Raper!

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"Step away from her, you sexist pig!" yelled an awesome blond voice!

How can voices have hair?

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His aristocratic face looked so pale and the huge bulge in his purple leather pants was huge.

A trope drop! Time for a tune to mark it!

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"How could you betray me after I've spent your whole life abusing you, you ungrateful slave?" Lucius shouted outrageously.

Ironically, Lucius does care about his wife and son in canon. But remember...CANON IS SO SEXIST!!!!!!

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Draco grabbed Lucius' long stick and hotly stuck it all the way up Lucius' butt.

And take a moment to drink the image out of your minds...

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"Avada Kedavra!" said Lucius sexistly, but Draco jumped away coolly. I felt like I was melting as I saw the sexy sweat going down Draco's sexy, sexy chest sexily! Then he sexily whipped the sweat out of his sexy blond hair and turned back at Lucius to fire at him a spell that made Lucius be on fire.

So much for family loyalty.

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A body hit the ground. From that moment on, Lucius Malfoy was permanently dead forever.

As opposed to temporarily dead forever.

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AN: Notice how I used the chapter title into leading you to think Crystal would die, but then she didn't. Pretty clever, huh?

I suppose. You did have my hopes up for about five seconds.

Chapter 53, in which the ship comes out of the water.

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an: sorry I haven't been able to updaate more, but I have a lot of homeowkr

Sounds like you need it. Just copy and paste from Wikipedia.

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and my english teacher is mad at me for doing my book report on a "Twilight' fanfic.

Twilight fanfiction does not count as literature. Nor, for that matter, does Twilight.

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I bet she's a real slut with the sexist teachers who suck!

Whatever. Enjoy getting straight Fs and working in McDonald's.

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Finally, it was the day of my wedding and we were all standing next to the big lake thing with the awesome fish people I stupidly saved that sexist idiot Ron Raper from during my fourth year.

You were supposed to. It was the task, remember? Sexist!Ron count: 82

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I was wearing a brown triangle pirate hat, a purple pirate coat, a lovely yellow ball gown with unslutty cleavage, and olive green platform shoes.

And I was downloading a film illegally.

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I looked exactly like Elizabeth Swann!

No you didn't.

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Draco was wearing a pirate band on his head with hair things coming down over his face and he had an awesome fake beard. He had on a white T-shit with a Han Solo vest and a big sword. He looked exactly like Jack Sparrow!

Jack Sparrow was a Star Wars fan? And I wouldn't get too close, white T-shit smell lingers around for months.

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He looked exactly like Captain Hook after the crocodile ate all his clothes!

The crocodile ate Captain Hook too, you know.

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"We'll sue that sexist idiot Ron Raper for trying to rape you sexistly. Then he'll go to Azkaban

You can't actually send someone to prison in a civil lawsuit though. Sexist!Ron count: 83

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"That sexist idiot Gilderoy Lockhart died," said Sirius happily. "He was in the Astronomy Tower and he fell over the railing because he was stupid and then he died when he hit the ground thing because he fell from such a great height and he was going so fast. It turns out he's very stupid and sexist and he doesn't even look like Robert Pattinson after all!"

This is when the author found out that Robert Pattinson and Kenneth Branagh are two different actors.

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"I never liked that sexist idiot anyway!" I laughed. "Anyway, they're here!"

52 previous chapters say otherwise.

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We all get on except for that slutty slut Lavender because she dressed like Elizabeth Swann and no one was allowed to copy me!

"Coming up on My Super Sweet 16: Super Sweet Weddings..."

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A boy was standing there looking so sexy I almost fainted! He was dressed like the Dread Pirate Roberts in black unitard! He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson! He was Viktor Krum!

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Chapter 54: The Wedding

Where's Queen Chrysalis when you need her?

So, after the wedding vows in pirate-speak...

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"Arrr!" said Dumbledore nakedly. He was naked, but his beard was long enough to cover his inappropriate wand. The beard was white. "I now pronounce ye husband an' wife. Ye may kiss me beauty!"

And then Draco took off his mask. He was Ron Raper!

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He was so happy he did cartwheels and put that ugly slut Parvati on fire.

Our hero, people.

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She screamed sluttily and jumped off the ship and into the water, where she was immediately eaten by sharks.

Which Crystal had planted there to eat sluts.

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Suddenly, a bad man flew towards the ship on the Firebolt broomstick of mine which he stole.

Never fear, Ron Raper's here!

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He was sexist and he was dressed like a pirate, but it was that sexist idiot Will Turner.

Too bad. He's dressed like a pirate, so you have to admit him. Sexist!Ron count: 84

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He had evil slicked-back red-hair and he was holding an unhealthy cigarette. He was ugly and sexist!

Sexist!Ron count: 85

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He landed on the ship and looked up at all us girls sexistly. He was Ron Raper!

Sexist!Ron count: 86

Next time on Becoming Female: A sexist idiot dies.

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I was wearing a brown triangle pirate hat, a purple pirate coat, a lovely yellow ball gown with unslutty cleavage, and olive green platform shoes.

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I looked exactly like Elizabeth Swann!

More like Bjork getting dressed during a power cut.

This author has a . . . creative approach to adverbs. To say the least.

Our thrilling* conclusion, in which a sexist idiot dies. Sexist!Ron count: 87

*This is a lie

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"Go AWAY!" I yelled because he was ruining my wedding just be being there.

What if he doesn't?

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"I've just bought Hogwarts!" said Ron Raper evilly. "That retarded idiot Ludo Bagman just sold it to me because he's retarded!"

Since when did Bagman own Hogwarts?

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"YOU IDIOT!" I yelled. I punched Bagman in the balls and he fell off the ship. The fish people immediately grabbed him and pulled him underwater and ate him in two seconds.

And then Crystal was arrested, tried, and given the dementor's kiss for murder. The Dementors flat-out refused to kiss her.

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"I'll get the headmaster's office again!" said Ron Raper sexistly. "Then I'll turn the Great Hall thing into a strip club and all the common rooms into whore houses. Also I'll replace all the books in the library with books about rape!"

Legitimate purchase. But do any books about rape actually exist? Still, Sexist!Ron count: 88

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"THAT'S SEXIST!" I explained epically.

Sexist!Ron count: 89

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"I know!" he laughed in an evil voice. "But the contract lasts until I die!"

Also, they couldn't hit an elephant at this distance!

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"That'll teach you to be so sexist!" I yelled down at him as I picked up my Firebolt which I had again because he left it on the ship when he jumped off of it sexistly.

Sexist!Ron count: 91

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Suddenly, the giant squid started to attack Ron Raper epically exactly like what happened in "Return to Neverland" to Captain Hook.

Except Hook escapes.

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"Avada Kedavra!" I said, using magic to kill off Wormtail so Ron Raper would learn his lesson.

Not sure how he'll learn his lesson if he's dead.

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Once he was gone, we heard a burp and Ron Raper's sexist cigarette floated up to the surface.

Sexist!Ron count: 92

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"That sexist idiot Ron Raper is gone for good!" said Draco handsomely and with that happy thought he kissed me perfectly!

Sexist!Ron count: 93. And then Draco took off his mask. He was Ron Raper!

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The End

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WHO WANTS SEQUEL?

Actually, there was a sequel. It was called "Being Female". It featured Crystal having the baby, the Dursleys as Christian fundamentalists, and Ron Raper returning from the dead and being sexist. It was taken down from ff.net some time ago.

Final Sexist!Ron count: 93

Did he hunt for brains sexistly, I wonder? (I keep misreading that as "sexily". Gives the text a slightly different meaning.)

Actually, he seemed to be alive. And sexist.

GeorgeUK wrote:

Actually, he seemed to be alive. And sexist.

Sexist Ron Count: 94

Someone reposted the sequel:

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Meh... trying too hard.

I think her sister started trolling her in chapter 24 (when Ron Raper returns from the dead).

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Legitimate purchase. But do any books about rape actually exist?

The only ones I know of are about surviving it. But if Sexist!Ron wants books on how to rape and none exist, I'm sure he'd be happy to write a few.

I did find a charming little article on Uncyclopedia: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

There are probably plenty of books about rapeseed.

Chapter one of Being Female, in which The Baby Happens.

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This is the sequel to "Becoming Female", but you don't have to read it first

Thank heaven for small mercies.

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"Hello, I would like to have a baby today," I told some person.

Certainly, madam. Would you like it deep-fried or roasted?

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"Hello, I'm a healer," said a healer. "Get on this bed and start screaming to make the baby come out."

It might be straight, you know.

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"Push! Push!" yelled Draco helpfully because otherwise I wouldn't have known about that part.

I hope the author never gives birth.

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I screamed epically some more and made the baby come out of my pleasure hole.

There it is again!

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Then I picked up my awesome baby and it was a boy and I knew he would never be sexist like that sexist idiot Ron Raper who used to be called Ron!

Sexist!Ron count: 96. And then the baby took off his mask. He was Ron Raper!

Next time on Being Female: Ginny needs help now!

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One day, me and Draco decided to go to St. Mungo's so I could have our baby. I was wearing a yellow T-shirt, a bright orange vest with blue polka dotes, a purple jean skirt and red sandals with olive green socks. I had dyed my hair blue and put it into a pony tail thing and I was wearing lots of makeup. I also had underwear on.

Good to see she hasn't lost her fashion sense.

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"Hello, I'm a healer," said a healer. "Get on this bed and start screaming to make the baby come out."

"Okay," said I as I got on the bed. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I said.

"Push! Push!" yelled Draco helpfully because otherwise I wouldn't have known about that part. I screamed epically some more and made the baby come out of my pleasure hole. Then I picked up my awesome baby and it was a boy and I knew he would never be sexist like that sexist idiot Ron Raper who used to be called Ron!

Wow. Most compelling and realistic birth scene since Chocobo Nights.

What the hell did I just read?

Birth Scene: HGGGGNNNN


...All of my

Chapter 2, in which Ginny needs help now!

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"What should we name our awesome baby?" asked Draco handsomely as his amazing gray eyes glowed romantically at me.

Robert Pattinson.

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"How about we call him Sunshine Archimedes Malfoy?"

Worst name ever.

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We went home with our baby thing and put it in a crib where it belonged.

And then forgot about it for the rest of the story.

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Ginny was crying her eyes and it looked like she had been abused by someone abusive.

Really? I thought she'd be crying her toes.

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"Someone in my family is SEXIST!" she yelled loudly in a loud voice.

I wonder who it could be?

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"We already know about that sexist idiot Ron Raper,"

Sexist!Ron count: 97

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"It's not that sexist idiot Ron Raper!"

Sexist!Ron count: 98

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"I've never told you this before, but Arthur is very sexist and Molly only married him because she was a huge slut. Molly always wanted me to be a slut too so that I could use Love Potion to make you fall in love with me back when you were a boy. After you turned into a girl, it ruined her plans because she's so homophobic and she and Arthur decided it was my fault and started beating me with objects!"

Don't you mean mum and dad? Also, this is where they threw cheeseburgers at me, and this is where they hit me over the head with a piano...

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"We better go teach them a lesson!" I yelled awesomely.

5 bucks says assault and battery constitutes the lesson.

Next time on Being Female: They meet Arthur and moly.