Becoming Female

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, POTTER!" yelled Snape.

"I'M MAKING A POTION, YOU GREASY BASTARD!" I yelled back.

"BUT THIS IS HISTORY OF MAGIC!" Snape yelled back.


"How DARE you call me that, you inferior student!" complained Snape. "That's TWO POINTS from Gryffindor!"

Two points? Bit lenient from Snape, I think. Canon Snape would have taken 50 200 infinity for such a remark.


Gryffindor had been down to three points and now we only had one left.

Maybe if you were politer to the teachers, they wouldn't have such a low tally.


Draco Malfoy smirked at me. He was the hottest guy in school and all the girls wanted him, but I was a boy and not gay so we couldn't be together.

Foreshadowing count: 1


"Have you all finished your Acorn Potions?" asked Snape angrily. "If they're done right, pouring them over random objects should turn them into acorns. If they're done wrong, they'll cause you to pass out and thenpermanently change gender forever."

Foreshadowing count: 2

And isn't that a pretty big design flaw? I mean, get this wrong, and your gender will change when you try to turn a pebble into an acorn.


"An excellent idea, Draco!" said Snape buoyantly. "Potter, drink your potion."

"But you said at the start of the lesson that it had the properties of nuclear waste!"


I drowned a cup of the potion and promptly fell unconscious!

Firstly, what did that cup ever do to you?

Secondly, surprise surprise.


A perfectly tanned picture of feminine beauty stared back at me! I was thin enough to be anorexic with D-cups and curves in all the right places! My black hair was long and silky like silk and it went down to my feet! I was wearing lip gloss, blush and mascara from Maybelline! Also, my scar was gone and I didn't need glasses anymore.

Great, it seems this potion turns you into a Sue. Secondly, saying hair is long and silky like silk is like saying rain is wet like water. Thirdly, hooray for product placement.


"Oh, my God, I'm a GIRL!" I screamed.

Congratulations, Private Obvious! You're hereby promoted to Corporal!


At that moment, Dumbledore rode into the hospital wing on a unicycle wearing an old-fashioned bathing suit.

Wait, what? I guess this is the "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" moment.


"As I'm sure you've noticed, you're female now."

As you can also see, the sky is blue, the sun rises in the east, and the author was drunk when she wrote this!


Are you going to be sexist like Ron?

Foreshadowing count: 3


"I am sorry to inform you all that Harry Potter has left the school," Dumbledore told everyone in the Great Hall the next morning. "You see... his parents died... which you all know, of course but, uh... Harry's invitation to their funeral got lost in the mail so he's just left now and he won't ever come back for... some reason. Anyway, on a completely, utterly unrelated note, I would like to introduce Harriet Potter to our school! Harriet Potter is a new student and not, repeat NOT, Harry Potter permanently turned into a girl by a potions accident yesterday which had multiple witnesses. She's just transferred here from... a school... somewhere and... did I mention that's she's not Harry Potter? I did? Oh, good, 'cause she's not. You got that, right? Right, completely, totally different person from Harry Potter who's away because of... whatever the story I told you about him was. Got that? Good. Here's Harriet Potter now!"

Of course, Dumbledore had the house elves slip ground-up stupid pills into everyone's breakfast that morning.


"Hello," I said to everyone, "I'm not Harry Potter.

Nice to meet you, not Harry Potter!


Did you think it was funny?

Yes, but not the way you meant.

:grinds teeth:

Thin enough to be anorexic is not a fucking compliment!

Not to mention I didn't know the two cantaloupes taped to a baseball bat look was so popular.

Link please? I want to see this for myself.

I laughed.

Obvious troll is obvious.

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Yeah... Troll..

Quote :

I'm not telling you anything about me, you stalker!

But I will tell how much I love HP!!!!!!!!!!

Big Harry Potter Survey Thingy

[...]

Do You Know Any Of The Characters Middle Name’s?

some

[...]

What’s Ron’s?

Satan

[...]

What Do You Think Of JKR?

I don't know what character that is

Well, we'd better continue with this train crash, so here's Chapter 2...

"That's sneaky," said the Hat, "and being sneaky is evil so better be... SLYTHERIN!"

And thus we have cliches #246 (Harry in Slytherin) and #791 (all Slytherins are evil)


"Hey, you're a girl!" said Ron as I sat down. "Will you iron my shirts?"

Introducing, the sexist Ron counter! For every time Ron is shown being sexist, or called sexist, it goes up by one.

Sexist Ron count: 1

Alternately, worst euphemism ever.


"Shut up, Ron!" yelled Ginny. "You're sexist!

Sexist Ron count: 2


We hadn't told Ron that I was Harry Potter because if he knew the Chosen One was a girl, he'd give up on the Good Side and join the Death Eaters.

Who'd then kill him for being a blood traitor. But that brings us onto cliche #2, platinum version: Ron the Death Eater.


"No, you're a slut!" I yelled.

This potion must have turned him into Enoby.


"Hey, how come I got such large breasts despite being really skinny?" I asked Hermione. "That doesn't seem natural."

"I guess it's because the potion turned you into the ideal female form," said Hermione.

No, the potion turned him into a Sue. There's a difference.


"Oh, great - now all the stupid girls will act lovesick," he said because he was sexist.

Sexist Ron count: 3

Actually, he has a point. I'm not too keen on Justin Bieber's hordes of fangirls.


I used to think Gilderoy was annoying, but now that I was a girl I could see how hot he was and that his arrogance was just confidence! And you could totally see his chiseled abs through his hot pink flowing robes! He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson!

Time for a Public Service Announcement...

This is Gilderoy Lockhart.
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And this is Robert Pattinson.
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The resemblance is uncanny.


"I've replaced Professor Sprout," Gilderoy explained. "She died in a bungee jumping accident

Never knew Professor Sprout enjoyed bungee jumping. Maybe she died because Ron cut the bungee cord.


"Wow, you look totally hot!" said Draco. "In fact, you look exactly like Meg Ryan!"

Wait, isn't Meg Ryan in her 50s now?


In chapter 3, they go to Hogsmeade. But there's a sexist out to cause trouble...

I've been trolled yet for some reason I don't mind.

I really don't see the point of sporking an obvious trollfic. Where's the fun in pointing out the bad stuff in a story that is deliberately bad?

It did make me laugh, so I'm glad it was shared in any case, I guess.

WD40 wrote:

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Yeah... Troll..

Quote :

I'm not telling you anything about me, you stalker!

But I will tell how much I love HP!!!!!!!!!!

Big Harry Potter Survey Thingy

[...]

Do You Know Any Of The Characters Middle Name’s?

some

[...]

What’s Ron’s?

Satan

[...]

What Do You Think Of JKR?

I don't know what character that is

Also, for the least favourite characters, she answered six with "RON IS SO SEXIST!!!!!!!!!!"

Chapter 3, in which they go to Hogsmeade. Also, Ron is (so) sexist.

"Wow, you look hot!" said Draco, who was wearing nothing but an electric purple speedo to show off his amazing body.

He was promptly arrested for indecent exposure. The speedo then short-circuited, electrocuting him.

Also, whatever happened to "No shirt, no shoes, no service"?


"Call me Crystal," I decided. "Harriet is an ugly name."

Sue Checklist:

Name [X]

Thinner than a rake [X]

Breasts the size of Yorkshire [X]

Yep, it's a Sue alright.


"Get us a table for two, you slag," Ron said offensively to Madam Rosmerta. Pansy didn't mind dating someone as sexist as Ron because she was a slut.

Ron is basically Sid the Sexist without a Geordie accent here.

Also,

Sexist!Ron count: 4

Slut!Pansy count: 1


He started shooting everyone with his wand, starting a bar fight.

Ron single-handedly brings the Wild West to Scotland.

Alternatively, worst euphemism ever.


"No means yes," laughed Ron, throwing Draco aside.

Did the heroes all take stupid pills this morning?


"Noooooo!" I screamed as Ron came forward to rape me.

No! If no means yes, then yes must mean no! You should shout "Yeeesss!"


"Stop right there, sucker!" yelled Gilderoy, standing in the entrance of the wrecked bar looking perfectly immaculate in his fancy clothes. He was pointing his wand at Ron. The fighting had stopped.

Lockhart must be a big fan of Starsky and Hutch.


"You can't prove I would've have raped her!" Ron said superiorly.

Ron's denial is just like that guy who, when told "I am arresting you on suspicion of causing an offence" replied "What robbery?"


"Madam Rosmerta can clean it up herself," laughed Ron. "She's a woman and that's what women do!"

Sexist!Ron count: 5


"That was so scary!" I said, collapsing into Draco's arms.

You're telling me. How can somebody like the author be allowed near a PC?


"Don't worry, I'll protect you always," said Draco. We kissed happily.

Poor your grammar is.


Next time on Becoming Female: Ron cranks his villainy level up to "British character in a Mel Gibson film"

I don't think it's a trollfic so much as an attempt at parody.

Which wouldn't be half as bad if anybody was still in character at all, ever.

Why do people so often confuse "parody" with "stupid"? They are not the same thing!

Unless it's a stupid parody, then...



...no, that's just two things in one.

Chapter 4, in which they have to stop Ron (from being sexist, probably)

"Wow, you look extra hot today!" he told me.

"Thanks," I said, blushing.

No, seriously, Ron's set you on fire! Somebody dial 999!


"Hey, look at ME!" shouted Pansy in a slutty voice, ruining the moment. She was trying to get Draco's attention by wearing slutty clothes

I think that counts as two instances of Slut!Pansy. Therefore...

Slut!Pansy count: 3


So they go to the Transfiguration courtyard to kiss, but Ginny interrupts their game of tonsil tennis with bad news...

"Hey," said Ginny. "We have a problem. With you - I mean, Harry gone, Ron is captain of the Quidditch team. He's kicked me off 'cause he only allows girls to join if they're hot and not related to him. Katie got thrown off too when she stood up to him for me. He's replaced us with those sluts Parvati and Lavender. And he's made Neville our new Seeker!"

Wait, I know Parvati and Lavender were gossipy, but sluts? Lavender was more smitten if anything.


We went to Professor McGonagall. She was riding on a magical exercise bike to cure her menopause.

Wait, menopause can't be cured. It's pretty much middle age. Secondly, isn't it a bit late for Professor McGonagall to be doing that?


"I'm afraid Professor Dumbledore is not here," McGonagall told us. "As it so happens, he's at the gay pride parade in Hogsmeade."

Why would there be a gay pride parade in such a small village? Surely he could apparate to, say, London, or Manchester, or Brighton.


"But Ron's taken over the Quidditch team, and he's being sexist!" shouted Ginny.

Sexist!Ron count: 6


I'd done that before I became a girl and realized how sexist Ron was.

Classic symptom of Ron the Death Eater; all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. Sexist!Ron count: 7


"Can't we do ANYTHING?" I begged.

"I'm afraid not," McGonagall said as a lone tear rolled down her cheek. She knew Gryffindor stood no chance of winning the Quidditch Cup now. We all walked away sadly.

You could take his captaincy away for being sexist, you know.

Next time on Becoming Female: Oh no! (so, Oh Yes?)

Honestly, George, a valiant effort, but there's not much point snarking something that's intended to be silly.

Well, I laughed.

I'm surprised the author gave Ron enough principle to keep his list of relatives separate from his list of hot girls... or have I spoiled upcoming chapters?

Chapter 5, in which Oh No.

Later that day, I went to Gilderoy for help.
"Well, I suppose you could get Ron thrown off the team," he said. "That way, he wouldn't be captain anymore."

"Now, this is what you have to do. These, you see, are steroids..."


"Well, flirting is strictly forbidden in the Quidditch Tent for some reason," Gilderoy told me. "If you flirt with Ron in there, he won't be able to resist flirting back, and then we got him!"

I suppose that could also work.


"But Ron's sexist!" I shouted. "He might try to rape me!"

Don't you mean he will try to rape you?


"This is the new uniform for female Gryffindor players," said Ron as he pointed at Parvati and Lavender, who were wearing nothing but scarlet c-strings with tiny gold pasties. "At first I thought of making them go topless, but that wouldn't leave anything to the imagination."

Sexist!Ron count: 8


"Well, hello," he said in a sexist voice. "Are you going to let me touch your crystal, Crystal Potter?"

Sexist!Ron count: 9. Did Harry Turtledove write this?


"Take off your clothes!" Ron demanded. "Girls shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes if they look hot. They should also make 75 cents for every every dollar men make and not have the right to choose!"

These views are not the property of Ron and were in fact stolen from Glenn Beck. Still, Sexist!Ron Count: 10


"YOU BITCH!" yelled a very sexy voice. Draco ran in pointing his finger at me.

Whoops.


"It's not what it looks like!" I said, worried Draco might not like me now.

You don't say, Sherlock.


"Yeah, right!" he yelled at me. "You're just as big a slut as Pansy! I don't love you anymore!" He ran away crying.

Oh no. How terrible. What a disaster etc etc. And Slut!Pansy count: 4


"You may have won this round, Crystal Potter," he declared loudly, "but I'll get my revenge! You just wait and see, you stupid girls!" And then he ran away laughing like a maniac.

And Ron ran off back to his sexist supervillain base.


"Don't worry," said Hermione comfortingly, "We'll hope you get him back."

We'll hope you get him back, but not at this moment.


Did you like it? I'm thinking of having Sirius Black come back from the dead to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. Anyone like this idea?




Next time on Becoming Female, the author ignores Robotnik.

I was chatting to a cam girl wearing a c-string only a week prior to reading the updates in this thread (the first time I'd ever even heard of that particular underthing). A bizarre coincidence, to be sure.

Quote :

I was thin enough to be anorexic with D-cups and curves in all the right places!

I choose to believe this turn of phrase was intentional, as I refuse to believe someone could put "anorexic", "D-cups" and "curves" in the same sentence with a straight face.

Chapter 6, in which Sirius comes back.

Later that day, Dumbledore and Hagrid burst in the front doors of the castle wearing gay rainbow outfits.

Clothes have sexual orientation now?


"So, does this mean you're gay?" I asked Hagrid.

"Surprised?" he asked back.

"Not really," I admitted, "It's been obvious for a long time."

Harry found ff.net.


"It turns out Sirius isn't dead after all!" explained Dumbledore. "Come in, Sirius!"

Because he had a vial of Deus Ex Machina potion on him.


"Hey, everyone!" said Sirius as he walked in the door wearing jeans with a "New Moon" T-shirt.

Oh god, the veil turned him into a Twilight fan.


"Remember, it's a secret that Crystal Potter is really Harry Potter," Dumbledore informed him importantly, "so don't tell Ron."

"I won't," laughed Sirius. "I wouldn't have even brought that sexist idiot into the Shrieking Shack with Harry and Hermione if he hadn't had Wormtail. Heh, Wormtail and Ron. Don't those two deserve each other?" Everyone laughed.

Sexist!Ron count: 11


"They actually did," said Dumbledore smiling. "Most of them failed their classes from never going to them."

Isn't that, you know, sexist? So it's all because of Sirius that these girls work in, say, McDonald's and Tesco.


"That's a great idea!" said Sirius. "Dumbledore's made me the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, so I'll have plenty of time to give you romance lessons!"

What are you going to do when Voldemort attacks, seduce him?


Chapter 7, in which they have the best class ever.

Unless anyone here is gay - is anyone gay?"

Crabbe and Goyle put their hands up, so Sirius paired them together.

Thanks Sirius, that's something I'll never be able to unthink.


"You aren't allowed to flirt because you're sexist," Sirius told him.

Sexist!Ron count: 12. Also, that's unfair. If sexists weren't allowed to flirt, Viz would lose one of its best strips.


Ron stalked out of the room to cut class.

Again, Ron has a point. It's supposed to be defence against the Dark Arts, not speed dating.

So Harry Harriet Crystal and Draco get back together. Next chapter please.


Chapter 8, in which she and Draco almost do it.

So, we find out that Ron has run away.

"I wonder where that sexist idiot went?" I asked Draco as Pansy started crying.

Sexist!Ron count: 13. And my guess is, probably a strip club.


"Hey, this is my brother we're talking about!" shouted Ginny angrily. "I should be happier than anyone that that sexist slime is gone!"

Sexist!Ron count: 14.


"Maybe he moved to Texas," suggested Luna. "There are a lot sexist people there."

There are also a lot of sexist people in Vermont. And California. Your point being? And sexist!Ron count: 15


"Hey, now that Ron's gone we can wear sexy clothes without worrying about being raped!" said Hermione happily.

Hogwarts security really must suck if Ron can go around raping people with impunity.


He started snogging and excitedly pulling off each other's clothes.

Oh my god, Draco's schizophrenic!


"Hey, what's going on here!" yelled Blaise Zabini, standing in the entrance of the dormitory with Crabbe and Goyle.

No, the proper thing to say is "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"


"It's okay," I replied. "It's not your fault."

Yes it is. You were going to have sex in the boy's dormitory.


I put on my clothes because I couldn't go back to my dormitory in just my underwear because then Pansy and Millicent would think I was a slut like them!

Slut!Pansy count: 4

Next time on Becoming Female: It's shopping day!

Because, of course, that's all girls care about, shopping. That, and boys. Next they'll have a slumber party and do each other's nails.

Oh, did I spoil it?

Probably.

Chapter 9: In which it's shopping day.

We start with some My Immortal-style costume porn, but then we found out that Professor Trelawney is on the trip too...

Suddenly, Sibyll stepped out of the changing room. She was wearing an orange ayam on her navy blue hair, which was styled into dreadlocks! She had on a red and orange plaid ball gown with green tights, purple boat shoes and olive rubber gloves! I couldn't see it, but I assumed she was wearing underwear - probably a purple and yellow shelf bra and a green taffeta string thong with a picture of an purple puppy dog on it! She looked exactly like Megan Fox!

Worst. Combination. Ever.


"And you'll need great underwear," added Ginny. "If you're going to have sleep with him, he'll see it."

How do you "have sleep" with someone?


"You don't want to have sex with Draco?" asked Padma in surprise. "That's every girl in the castle's dream!"

Yes, because all girls think about is sex.


What if I get pregnant and he gets scared away?"

This being a fanfic, what if he gets pregnant?


"I'm going to go through with it!" We all cheered!

The following day, Crystal and Draco were expelled for having sex.


"It's so cool that Sirius is a teacher now," said Luna. "He's really hot!"

Yes, now he can go back to sleeping with the female student population, causing them to fail and end up flipping burgers for a living.


"Hey there, you stupid girls!" shouted an ugly sexist voice.

Sexist!Ron count: 16. I mean, it was never going to be anyone else.


I gasped! Ron was walking right up to us followed by three Death Eaters.

I've seen examples of Ron the Death Eater before, but this must be the first literal one.

Next time on Becoming Female: It's so unfair!

Chapter 10, in which it's so unfair!

"RON, THERE ARE DEATH EATERS BEHIND YOU!" we yelled.
"Yeah, I know," laughed Ron. "I've joined them." He pulled up his sleeve to reveal the Dark Mark. We gasped!

Really? You gasped? We've been through nine chapters and sixteen counts of Sexist!Ron and you're only now thinking he might be evil?


"Because you're sexist!" yelled Luna.

"Well, we'll see who's sexist now!" laughed Ron in an evil voice. "GET THEM!

"I know you are, but what am I?"? Is the author now ten? And Sexist!Ron count: 17


The Death Eaters started chasing us! We got the rest of the girls and quickly finished up our shopping before they could catch us.

You see, this is where I'd have ended this train wreck. The death eaters kill the Sues and Sexist!Ron wins because there was a massive queue at the counter.


"This is bad," said Dumbledore, wearing a scuba diving outfit and a clown nose.

"Why are you dressed like that?" asked Ginny.

"Trust me, you don't want to know," explained Dumbledore.

It's also the reason he can never go back to Disneyland.


"Ron is on the loose!" I shouted. "He's joined the Death Eaters and he's sexist!"

Sexist!Ron count: 18.


"Uh, oh," said Dumbledore in a worried voice. "I'll have to tell the Ministry of Magic."

"But they'll do something stupid and make everything worse!" yelled Hermione. "They might even send Umbridge to take over again."

Ah yes, Umbridge. For when one needs a one-size-fits-all villain and Voldemort's either got the flu or is brushing up on his telekinesis.


Next time on Becoming Female: Umbridge returns.