Becoming Female

so this has fuck-all to do with transsexualism then

okay

Chapter 25, in which they have a new BIG plan.

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I suppose constructive CRITICISM would be out of the question or something.

That was constructive criticism.

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Twilight rules!

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Twilight disapproves.

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Draco and me went off the roof of the place.

Breaking several bones when they hit the ground.

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I knew that sexist idiot Ron and the Death Eaters were at Hogwarts and couldn't get us while we were in Hogsmeade.

Except that they could, you know, make the five-minute walk. Sexist!Ron count: 34

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I bought clothes with the money stored up my butt.

I don't even want to know...

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I looked almost exactly like Megan Fox!

Except that Megan Fox is Asian.

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Draco and I went to see "Twilight: Eclipse" in a crystal ball (that's how wizards watch movies)

No, they go to the cinema, instead of illegally downloading it.

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"I'm sorry we abandoned you, but there were too many of them," said Dumbledore sadly.

"And the Hog's Head was doing free drinks."

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"We know where that sexist idiot Ron has his office," said Draco.

Sexist!Ron count: 35

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"Ron knows about that," I said, regretting that I was ever friends with the sexist idiot named Ron.

Sexist!Ron count: 36

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"I'm afraid Gilderoy will have to handle this on his own," said Dumbledore.

Gilderoy responded by running away.

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"All right!" said Gilderoy, standing up. "I can take him down. Crystal, Draco, follow me!"

Only to be ambushed by Ron and ten Death Eaters.

Next time on Becoming Female: Gilderoy is awesome.

Chapter 26, in which Gilderoy is Awesome.

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Me, Draco and Gilderoy went through the passageway into Hogwarts.

You know it's bad when the grammar is the least of my worries.

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It was just like when Gilderoy bravely entered the Chamber of Secrets to save Ginny! It was too bad that sexist idiot Ron had made Gilderoy lose all his memory before he could get to Tom Riddle.

Who wrote your copy of CoS? Not JKR by the looks of things. Sexist!Ron count: 37

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"I'll go look around for Death Eaters," said Draco. "You go get that sexist Ron!"

Sexist!Ron count: 38

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"All right," said Gilderoy, gently taking my hand. My heart swelled! I knew I could do anything when I had the handoms man who defeated the Wagga Wagga Werewolf by my side.

Then he pointed his wand at Crystal. "And one more thing...Obliviate!"

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We went up to Ron's office. He had Pansy on his desk and he was still wearing his Don Draper outfit.

No, I trust the author on this one. Not even she would make such an obvious switch.

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Gilderoy did a spell that awesomely made giant hands made of light come out and try to grab Ron. Pansy screamed in a slutty voice! Ron started to run away, holding hands with that disgusting slut Pansy!

So...he tried to set Ron on fire? Some hero he is. Slut!Pansy count: 9

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"Girls shouldn't have brooms," said Ron in a sexist voice.

Sexist!Ron count: 39

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Ron got on my broom thing and Pansy got on behind him. She sluttily hugged onto him with her disgusting slutty arms!

Well, if you use terms like "broom thing" you don't deserve it. Slut!Pansy count: 11

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Gilderoy epically jumped out the window

And fell to the ground with a splat. Refer to previous video.

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and grabbed onto the bottom of the broom.

Wait, Lockhart can run at 150mph?


Next time on Becoming Female: Double Surprise! (yelled Draco as he double boned young Crystal up the ass.)

I think it's hilarious how the author keeps repeating the word "sexist," as if we might forget between one sentence and the next.

There is no way this is not a troll. But at least an entertaining troll! We get far too few of those.

Not only that, it's an entertaining sporking of an entertaining troll! An achievement indeed.

Chapter 27, in which there's a double surprise.

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"Ron and Pansy flew away to New York,"

Let's see, around 3000 miles at 150 miles an hour...should only take 24 hours. On a broom.

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"He's started a sexist ad agency and changed his name to Ron Raper.

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At first I felt sorry for Pansy, since Ron was sexist and would probably abuse her, but then I decided she deserved it for being such a huge slut.

You don't like her, so abandon her to someone whose very name spells trouble. Sexist!Ron count: 40; Slut!Pansy count: 12

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"What happened to Gilderoy?" I asked worriedly.

He lost his grip on the broom 700 miles off the west coast of Ireland.

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"Hey, guess what!" said Madam Pomfrey. "I've finished testing you and you're not hurt, but you're PREGNANT!"

Just then Professor Snape came in. "Potter, the effects of the potion will wear off any second now!"

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"WHAT?" I asked in surprise.

With all the other fanfics, you'd think he'd be used to getting pregnant with Draco's child by now.

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"I guess it must've happened when you and me had sex!" said Draco thoughtfully.

Don't remind me. The sex scenes in the Timeline 191 books were less tortuous.

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I was so scared. Being pregnant would make me get fat! Would Draco still like me?

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"What are we going to do?" I asked him.

"Well, I'm a Malfoy, so I'll have to do the honorable thing," said Draco,

And he promptly ran off as fast as he could in the direction of deepest, darkest Cornwall.

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"Crystal Potter, will you be my wife?"

Crystal dosed Draco with the CMC's love poison.

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"This is so romantic!" squealed Professor McGonagall, jumping up and down excitedly.

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"Sorry, I don't have a ring yet," said Draco, "but I'll get one later."

"It better be big!" I laughed.

Yes, because all girls care about is diamonds.

Next time on Becoming Female:

This is one of the most entertaining bad-fics that I've read here. What makes them so funny is the snarking, I'm serious I've laughed my butt off this whole time! I seriously wanted to hurt this girl, Draco was one of my favorite characters...she's a monster

GeorgeUK wrote:

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"Ah! Ah!" I screamed as Draco went deeper and deeper into my pleasure hole. I felt like I was giving myself to him completely. After this, there would be nothing more I could possibly give. But no boy deserved it more than my Draco!

I'm still snickering about that one, and it was like a page and a half ago. "Pleasure Hole" really needs to go on one of those "Stupid Fanbrat Euphemisms" or whatever threads.

Very good snark of a very snarkable story.

Chapter 28, in which Crystal's life is ruined.

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All the boys stared jealously at Draco as I walked up to Dumbledore's office with him.

"How come he gets to be portrayed favourably in this?"

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"We're planning to do it at Malfoy Manor since Crystal's relatives would never go for it."

And there's absolutely less than nothing that can stop us!

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"I'm afraid that can't happen," said Dumbledore sadly. Suddenly, Narcissa walked in the room wearing nothing but a barrel!

Because she got drunk and burned the place down after leaving the TV on standby.

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"I'm afraid Lucius has come back to the house," she said. "He's kicked me out for being so nice to Crystal. It turns out he's very abusive and sexist."

Like all villains in this.

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"Unfortunately, Lucius controls all the family money and stuff," explained Dumbledore. "As of this moment, Draco, you own nothing but the clothes on your back."

"But not on your legs, so hand over the trousers...and the boxers."

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"Lucky," muttered Narcissa, anxiously gripping the suspenders on her barrel. I felt bad that she couldn't afford anything more fashionable to wear, especially since the barrel made her look fat and totally clashed with her skin tone.

The worst thing about this? Narcissa looking fat.

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"But what about the wedding!" I gasped. "The Dursleys certainly won't pay for it! And how will I get my huge diamond ring?"

By robbing a bank.

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Dumbledore sadly shook his head. I started to cry!

As she realised she'd have to make do with a smaller diamond ring.


Next time on Becoming Female: Hope Springs Eternal.

Chapter 29, in which Hope Springs Eternal.

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I suppose they think I'm going to dumb down the story just for them.

How the hell can you dumb this down?

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"There must be something you can do!" I begged to Dumbledore.

No there isn't. Sorry, but you can't marry Draco. Ron wins.

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"I have an idea," he said happily. "We've been thinking of having a Valentine's Day Ball on Valentine's Day for Valentine's Day.

You should have it on Easter Sunday for Christmas.

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"Wow, that's a great idea!" said Draco. "But I still need a ring to give to Crystal."

In that case, rob a bank.

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"What about me?" asked Narcissa. "I don't have anywhere to live and, in case you haven't noticed, I'm wearing a BARREL!"

Too bad.

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"Suit yourself," said Dumbledore punnily. "In the meantime, I'll get the Order to help take back Malfoy Manor from Lucius. He doesn't deserve to sexistly lord over that dumb house! Now let's have an assembly to tell everyone about the talent show!"

Adverbs do not work that way.

Next time on Becoming Female: There's an announcement.

Chapter 30, in which there's an announcement.

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AN: Jokegirl has decided I can't talk about sexism because I'm an "idiot". Apparently I'm not allowed to express my opinions unless they are approved by Jokegirl first. I guess I'll have to drop this important theme from the story just for someone who would hate it anyway. Ha, ha, that was sarcasm! I bet I fooled certain people needing lobotomies!

Get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

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"Friends, wizards, country kids, lend me your ears!" said Dumbledore in an epic voice.

"Alas poor Yorick! With a spot I damn him!"

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Several ugly boys booed, but the girls and the handsome gentlemen like Draco clapped happily!

Of course...

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The judges will Draco, Crystal, and LUNA!"

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Luna's reaction to being included in this.

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"I hope I win," said Hermione as we walked out of the Great Hall. "It'll show everyone how cool and amazing I am!"

"Too bad I'll win!" laughed Ginny.

I hope Ron wins to shut these two author avatars up.

Next time on Becoming Female: Bagman screws up.

Why is this called Becoming Female if that happens in the very first chapter and isn't actually any sort of plot point afterwards?

Chapter 31, in which Bagman screws up.

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After that, I dyed my hair gray with olive green triangle shapes in it.

How is that even possible?

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All the boys stared sexily

How do you stare sexily? And aren't all the boys sexist like Ron Raper?

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"I have bad news," said Bagman in a worthless voice. "I gambled away all the money I was supposed to use to put on the talent show for no good reason."

Hey, at least he's in-character.

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"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU!" yelled Draco, shaking Bagman by his shoulders. "YOU STINKING IDIOT!"

Like I said, our heroes.

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"Don't worry I made it right," said Bagman as he cried to try to make us feel sorry for him. "Some New York ad agency agreed to fund the talent show and advertise for us for free on one condition."

That couldn't be...

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"I don't know," said Bagman weepily, "but it's only one condition, so how bad could it be?"

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"YOU IDIOT!" screeched Luna.

She's still using the "Royal We" by the looks of things.

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Suddenly, a young man with ugly slicked-back red hair walked in the room! He was dressed like from back when everyone was really sexist and smoked a lot. He was smoking a cigarette because he was too dumb to know smoking was bad for you.

Is it Ron?

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He was Ron!

Thought so.

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"Hello, I'm Ron Raper," he said meanly, "and I'm the CEO of Sexist Cooper Advertising.

"My full name is Ron Is So Sexist Satan Raper."

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In case you're wondering if I'm really all that sexist, I'm sleeping with all ninety-three of my secretaries!"

Don Draper? Silvio Berlusconi would be more accurate. Sexist!Ron count: 41

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"YOU SEXIST PIG!" I yelled unsexistly.

Is that even a word? (NO) Sexist!Ron count: 42

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WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THAT WONDERFUL HANDSOME MAN, YOU SEXIST IDIOT?"

He fell into the Atlantic ocean 700 miles off the Irish coast. Sexist!Ron count: 43

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"He's alive... for now," said Ron Raper. "By the way, my condition is that I get to be a judge for the talent show too!"

Will he be sexist, by any chance?


Next time on Becoming Female: The Wrath of Ron.

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Chapter 32: The Wrath of Ron

ROOOOOOOOOOOON!

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"NO WAY, JOSE!" I yelled madly. "You can't judge the talent show! You're SEXIST!"

Sexist!Ron count: 44

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"There's no other way you'll get the money!" laughed Ron Raper. "Besides, Bagman already signed the paper thing I need."

There's always a bouncing cheque.

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"YOU RETARDED MORON!" I yelled as I repeatedly kicked Bagman in the balls with my sexy bright orange stilettos.

I guess the potion did turn him into Enoby. Now where's Telekinesis!Voldemint?

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"Let me take over Bagman's punishment," said Draco. Draco used magic to make it so all of Bagman's clothes were on fire.

Crimes committed by our "heroes": Assault and Battery

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"Why are you doing this?" I asked Ron dramatically. "We used to be friends! Why did you change?"

"Change? I never changed," said Ron Raper as he smoked evilly. "I've always been like this. You just never noticed it before because you were a sexist boy too. Not as sexist as me, perhaps, but enough for you not to notice. Remember how we sexistly treated those girls we took to the Yule Ball?"

Fabricated Adverb count: 15

Sexist!Ron Raper count: 45

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"That was different!" I yelled. Ron Raper just laughed like Jafar from "Aladdin" as he Disapparated even though you weren't supposed to do that on Hogwarts grounds.

Looks like sexism is the one thing that overrides the Hogwarts enchantments.

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Then Bagman jumped in water and put out the fire on him. All his clothes and even his hair had burned up, leaving him naked and bald with burns all over him!

Hero rap sheet: Assault, GBH, Arson

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"Can you please give me some clothes?" he asked as he clapped his hands over his tiny wee-wee.

What's wrong with saying Penis? Especially as wee-wee actually means urine.

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"NO!" me, Draco, and Luna laughed as we left the room to go to breakfast.

You know, at least Ron Raper doesn't pretend to be a hero.


Next time on Becoming Female:

I'm actually really enjoying this.

The story is ridiculously stupid, but the snark makes it hilarious.

Chapter 33, in which we discover Dumbledore's favourite song.

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Luna was wearing weird clothes, but I was wearing a purple tweed catsuit with orange polka dots and wooden clogs. I also had underwear on.

Pots and kettles come to mind...and I cannot think of anything less appealing than a purple tweed catsuit.

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Suddenly, Dumbledore walked out on stage fully clothed!

Why are you so surprised?

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"I'm sorry, but Bagman will not be hosting like planned," said Dumbledore seriously. "He's been fired and sent to St. Mungo's because it turns out he's retarded."

"Which means that the money from the talent show will now be spent on our defence in an anti-discrimination lawsuit."

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"Anyway, my act will be first!" said Dumbledore. He started doing a striptease while singing "Naked Time!" Ron Raper buzzed him because there were no hot naked girls in the act.

And that, you know, any sane judge would buzz such an act immediately.

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Everyone clapped except that sexist idiot Ron Raper.

Sexist!Ron count: 46

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"I liked it," said Draco approvingly. "It was stylish and sophisticated. That's the kind of thing you would perform for the Queen." The crowed cheered in agreement.

Well, why not perform it for the Queen? And by the way, enjoy your ten-year stretch in Wormwood Scrubs.

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"I hated it," said Ron Raper for no reason. Everyone booed him!

I agree with Ron Raper.

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"Well, they won't pick THIS!" said Ron Raper sexistly. "After all, there were no naked girls in it!"

Sexist!Ron count: 47. And again, a sane X-Factor judge would buzz it immediately. Where's Simon Cowell when you need him?

Next time on Becoming Female: Ron Raper is sexist!

Chapter 34, in which Ron Raper is Sexist!

Sexist!Ron count: 48

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The Weasley twins sang a song about how sexist Percy was

Percy, sexist? That came from nowhere.

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Ginny feministly rode on her broomstick

How do you even...

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and Hagrid juggled a few first years.

Seriously injuring all of them.

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Ron Raper sexistly buzzed most of the acts for no reason.

Sexist!Ron count: 49

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Then Pansy came on stage. I buzzed her right away because she was a slut.

Which means you're no better than Ron Raper.

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She got out a stripper pole and started to dance sexually and take off her slutty pink clothes at the same time.

Is anyone actually regulating the acts? Well, I guess if Dumbledore strips...

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Pansy finished her act by being a prostitute and getting a guy from the audience to pay to have sex with her on stage in front of everyone.

How useless are Hogwarts staff?

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Professor McGonagall told all the younger students to cover their eyes, but some didn't.

Because they were sexist.

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"That is the act that will win this competition!" said that sexist idiot Ron Raper, holding his cigarette evilly.

Sexist!Ron count: 50

Which calls for a celebration!

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"You're absolutely perfect at the only thing women can do besides clean," he added because he was sexist.

Sexist!Ron count: 51

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Several sexist boys in the audience cheered. I felt scared that their votes would make that ugly slut Pansy win!

Which would teach an author avatar like you a lesson in humility.


Next time on Becoming Female: More Acts (Although the bulk of the chapter is the author moaning about bad reviews)

Chapter 35, in which the author moans about her reviews.

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"Honey, I think you are the one who is sexist and a slut. You are also a dumbass."

Actually, that's a very good point, considering all Crystal thinks about is shopping, clothes, and sex.

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Well, what if I was ten years old? I bet you never thought of that, huh? I bet none of you have ever thought about the impact your words have on my precious self-esteem. Maybe you should think about how your words effect people before you speak, you people needing lobotomies!

Actually, if you were ten, that would explain a lot. (Aside from the sex, that is)

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Seamus Finnigan tried to do a magic act, but he just made everything catch on fire, including that dumb slut Parvati who was trying to be his assistent. I laughed happily as she screamed from her stupid hair being on fire.

Man, Crystal's even worse than Ron.


Next time on Becoming Female: Hermione Does It.

(And yes, Chapter 35 was 90% responding to reviewers and 10% filler)

If this author is ten, then she could be banned for being underage. As I recall, you have to be at least 13 to post and 18 and over to view/write adult material. I wonder if she will scream like Parvati when she gets the ban-hammer?

She'll probably call the ff.net staff sexist sluts.

Chapter 36, in which Hermione does it.

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Hermione came on stage next. She did a rousing speech about how wrong rape was. It was very moving and it made everyone smart see how bad sexism was.

Battle stations, everyone! There's an author avatar on the loose!

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That sexist idiot Ron Raper buzzed her right away because he liked rape. After all, he had made his name Ron RAPER.

And that glurge-filled guilt trips have no place in Talent contests. (Or ff.net profiles, for that matter). Still, Sexist!Ron count: 52

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When Hermione ended the speech, almost everyone in the audience rose as one and clapped epically. I saw some of the sexist boys who had cheered Pansy were now clapping. Hermione had made them see the error of their ways.

Or, alternatively, they were applauding Ron for having to sit through such utter dreck.

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However, the dumber sexist boys were still sitting and talking to themselves about how much they'd like to rape Hermione. I shook my head, knowing we still had a long way to go.

Then write a fanfic and remind us that they're sexist at every opportunity.

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"THAT WAS THE BEST ACT OF THE NIGHT!" yelled Draco and the crowd cheered amazingly behind him after he said it.

Actually, that wasn't an act. It was a public service announcement which, like all public service announcements, stated the bloody obvious.

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"Why do you have to shove your radical agenda down our throats?" Ron Raper asked Hermione evilly. "We men should have the right to rape whoever we want because some girls are just too hot to not rape. Hot girls also shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes."

Actually, I do see a radical feminist agenda in this. Anyone who has a penis is evil. Except Draco. Still, Sexist!Ron count: 53

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I couldn't believe anyone agreed with Ron Raper's radical views on women!

Maybe they just hate author avatars. There's a reason Brian Griffin is unpopular.

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We saw more acts, but none were as good as Hermione's. Daphne Greengrass danced the bolero on a balance beam.

Contradiction. Guilt trip vs an incredibly complex tango on a balance beam? No contest.

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Cho Chang cried for ten whole minutes, creating a small flood. Neville Longbottom spilled things. Ron Raper buzzed them all.

Did the author ever read beyond OOTP? And Sexist!Ron count: 54.

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I hoped Hermione had converted enough sexist boys that that ugly slut Pansy wouldn't win!

Time for a bit of ballot-box stuffing.

Next time on Becoming Female: What will happen?

Chapter 37, in which the author doesn't know what's going to happen.

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"I hope Hermione wins," I said intelligently. "Her act was by far the best."

"And if she doesn't, I'll accuse everyone of being sexist!"

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I looked at Dumbledore. He was surrounded by first years and happily signing autographs for them. He was still naked, but his beard was long enough to hide his penis. I felt proud that we had such a fun headmaster, but I still thought Hermione should win because her speech was so meaningful.

A naked old man around children?

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Yeah, but she'll probably win anyway," I said bitterly. "Stupid people love low-brow acts like that. All the sexist boys will certainly vote for her and maybe some of the slutty girls will to."

Suck it up. I don't like it when Labour win the election, but I don't go around calling them sluts.

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"While she was, like, still wearing them!" Parvati giggled stupidly. I felt so mad at girls who were sluts for not caring about how sexist anything was! They probably wouldn't have even cared if they got raped!

What do you mean by "anything"? Ron? Lucius? Pansy? Cheeseburgers? Microsoft?

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At night in bed, while I wore my pink and orange striped cheviot footie pajamas with a butt flap, I decided it didn't really matter who won. Me and Draco would still get the money to get married anyway. I just really wanted the act that was deep and meaningful and said something to win and not the stupid, sexist act that stood against everything the good act meant!

I don't see how Pansy's act stands against anything that Bolero Balance Beam dancing means.

Next time on Becoming Female: Hermione vs Pansy

Chapter 38, in which it's Hermione vs Pansy.

So after Crystal's dress sense goes even further west...

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I sat down with Draco, Luna, and that sexist idiot Ron Raper. Ron Raper was still wearing a suit from the old days and ruining his health with a cigarette. I hoped he would get lung cancer and die because he was sexist.

Yeah. You're no better than Ron Raper if you want someone to die because they're sexist. Sexist!Ron count: 56

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"Right now we'll find out what the top three are," said Dumbledore. He was wearing a bathrobe with wizard stars on it. I was sure he was naked underneath. "But first a musical performance from the Weird Sisters!"

The suspense is killing me.

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The Weird Sisters came out on stage and did music stuff. Ron Raper buzzed them even though they weren't part of the competition. The rest of us all clapped along happily. After they finished, Dumbledore talked.

Really? I thought the Wierd Sisters would reenact the battle of Gettysburg.

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"All right, the top three are..." he said slowly, "me, Pansy Raper, and Hermione Granger!"

"Pansy Raper". Anyone else thinks that sounds like a DVD available from a dodgy Dutch website?

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"NO!" I screamed as Pansy and Hermione walked on stage. It was so unfair that that ugly slut Pansy could make it into the top three just because sexist boys liked her so much!

Tough. They can vote for whoever they want.

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"We'll find out who wins, but first it's Celestina Warbeck!" said Dumbledore while still wearing his bathrobe. The audience cheered as Celestina walked on stage! Ron Raper buzzed her because he was sexist and she was a woman.

Sexist!Ron count: 57

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"I'm sorry to say the lowest three of the top three turned out to be me," he said. "It's now between Pansy and Hermione!"

Just get to the end already!

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I looked at the two girls, wondering which one people had voted for. Were the people of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade going to stand up for what was right or were they going to be sexist and stupid like Ron Raper.

Sexist!Ron count: 58. Also, this is turning into a Brian episode of Family Guy.

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I looked at that sexist idiot Ron Raper and saw him holding his unhealthy cigarette smugly. Obviously he thought Pansy would win!

And what's wrong with thinking Pansy will win? Sexist!Ron count: 59.

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"And the winner is..." said Dumbledore.

Pansy!


Next time on Becoming Female: And the winner is... (Place your bets now, people! Dial 555-74448 to vote for Hermione and 1-800-I-AM-SEXIST to vote for Pansy!)

Chapter 39: In which the winner is...

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"...going to be revealed after a performance by My Chemical Romance!" he finished.

"Because only 3 people voted."

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Gerard Way was so effing hot!

OK, that settles it. She's Enoby.

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Dumbledore, who was still on stage, threw off his bathrobe dramatically and danced naked in front of MCR!

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Everyone cheered even louder except for that sexist idiot Ron Raper!

Sexist!Ron count: 60

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MCR happily walked offstage to the Aurors who were going to erase their memories.

After seeing Dumbledore naked, they need it.

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"Anyway, the winner is..."

Pansy! (And instead of the Looney Tunes theme)


Next time on Becoming Female: Hogwarts Idol (Also, betting is still open)

Chapter 40, in which it's Hogwarts Idol.

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"HERMIONE!" finished Dumbledore epically.

So the author avatar wins.

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Almost everyong cheered amazingly and clapped with their hands!

As opposed to clapping with their "private wahoos".

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Pansy started to cry sluttily and Ron Raper just looked mad. I knew he would try to get revenge on us again!

And yet, he's still taken defeat more gracefully than you would have done. You'd probably have had Hermione give a really long, drawn out lecture on how sexist men are. In the voice of Jar Jar Binks.

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Naked Dumbledore walked up to Hermione

...and took off his mask. He was Ron!

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She was feministly dressed in clothes.

Wait, getting dressed makes you feminist? In that case, wouldn't Dumbledore, who's naked, be sexist?

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She looked exactly like Betty Friedan!

Betty Friedan is 85 years old. Hell, she died six years ago!

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the theme music from "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" played because it sounded cool. Ron Raper pressed his buzzer, but you couldn't even hear it over all the noise!

Actually, that buzz was for using copyrighted music without permission. Draco and Crystal's wedding money will now be lost when ITV sue.

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! I decided tomorrow we would celebrate by going shopping for my wedding dress and other wedding stuff.

Because all girls think about is...forget it, you know the drill.

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I hoped we would have the wedding before I started to show because I was still pregnant and I didn't want to look fat on my wedding day.

Isn't that a sexist stereotype?

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I still didn't know when Draco was going to do the ceremony of giving me the ring, but I hoped it would be really soon!

This is probably the cursed video from "The Ring".

Next time on Becoming Female: The ceremony of the giving of the ring.

Chapter 41: The ceremony of the giving of the ring: The return of the fellowship of the two towers

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mustard yellow tweed socks.

What is it with her and tweed? We've had tweed underwear, tweed shirt, a tweed CATSUIT...

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"Hey, Crystal!" he said awesomely. "I have a big surprise for you!"

"Surprise!" Draco yelled as he boned young Crystal up the ass.

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That sexist idiot Ron Raper had gone back to New York and so had his slutty wife Pansy.

Sexist!Ron count: 61

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"I'm giving you the ring now!" yelled Draco. I gasped and everyone started cheering my name with their mouths!

As opposed to cheering with their asses.

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"But where's the ring?" I asked Draco.

"In Mordor!"

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"Someone will give it to you," said Draco. "You'll never guess!"

Voldemort!

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Suddenly, the door opened and a man walked in! He was wearing clothes and he had hair.

So it's not Voldemort.

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The hair was blond and cool and the clothes looked awesome and expensive. He was carrying the ring box in his sexy hands. He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson!

Cedric?

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He was Gilderoy!

Close enough.

Next time on Becoming Female: Gilderoy's back