Subject: Re: Becoming Female Thu Jul 12, 2012 10:53 am
Chapter 3, in which we meet Arthur and moly.
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Ginny calls her parents by their given names because she's awesome like Bella Swan
She's certainly like Bella Swan in this story. However, Bella Swan isn't awesome.
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Me, Draco, Ginny, and Luna walked up to the ugly Burrow house.
Um, no, the Burrow is one of Harry's favourite places.
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Molly was doing the chickens
What?!?
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because she did whatever housework her husband told her to do because she was a slut. She was also wearing an ugly pink slutty bikini because she was a slut.
Slut!moly count: 4
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"Ginny says you're a slut!" I explained loudly.
Our heroes, people. Breaking, entering, and insulting their hosts. Slut!moly count: 5
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"I'll do the talking," said Arthur sexistly.
Sexist!Arthur count: 4
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"You're sexist!" I yelled.
Sexist!Arthur count: 5
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"Then I'll go to the Ministry!" he cackled sexistly. "They're very sexist, so they'll automatically take my side! You have no chance!"
Sexist!Arthur count: 6
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We all gasped furiously!
Sorry, gasping furiously is sexist.
Next time on Becoming Female:
szaleniec Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11 Age : 39 Location : Europe
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Fri Jul 13, 2012 11:08 am
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"Then I'll go to the Ministry!" he cackled sexistly. "They're very sexist, so they'll automatically take my side!
The Last War called. They want their premise back.
GeorgeUK Sporkbender
Join date : 2011-05-16
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Sat Jul 14, 2012 12:44 pm
Never noticed that. Maybe she does copy and paste her homework from Wikipedia.
Chapter 4: Justice (Crystal style, of course)
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"Now, I want my daughter," said Arthur aggressively as he took out his wand and pointed it at us with his hand!
As opposed to pointing it with his bollocks.
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"Pass over the little cunt now!" he added offensively
I guess wizard social services don't exist.
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Molly didn't get out a wand because she was a slut
Slut!moly count: 6
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"Avada Kedavra!" yelled Arthur sexistly
Sexist!Arthur count: 7
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Draco pushed Ginny aside gentlemanly
And took the full force of the curse, which was powered by sexism, causing him to turn into Ron Raper.
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"HOW DARE YOU!" I sobbed awesomely. "You're so SEXIST!"
Sexist!Arthur count: 8
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"You'll all die and NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!" he said, telling us that he would kill us all and that he wouldn't get in any trouble because no one would ever know about it.
No. Really?
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he ran inside crying pathetically in a sexist voice!
Sexist!Arthur count: 9
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Then Ginny did a spell that made it so the whole Burrow was on fire.
Wow. Kids these days are out of control.
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"NO, YOU EPIC FOOLS!" he screeched at us. "YOU'LL ALL PAY FOR THIS WHEN I RAPE YOU ALL ON PURPOSE!"
Wait, you can rape someone by accident?
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"You're destroying the kitchen!" yelled Molly at us sluttily.
Slut!moly count: 7
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We all picked up Molly and threw her into the burning house too because she was a slut.
Are we supposed to be rooting for this lot? Slut!moly count: 8
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He all high-fived each other and walked away laughing at Arthur and Molly getting what they deserved!
And they then spent the rest of their lives in Azkaban for arson and murder.
Next time on Becoming Female: A day at Nordstrom.
EileenK98 Recovering Fanbrat
Join date : 2009-06-10 Age : 55 Location : very, very close to Chris
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Sat Jul 14, 2012 4:15 pm
Now we have "sluttily" as an adverb, in addition to "sexistly". What a world this author lives in. All the men are sexist, and the women are sluts. Except for our two heroes.
GeorgeUK Sporkbender
Join date : 2011-05-16
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Sun Jul 15, 2012 2:54 pm
Chapter 5: Gratuitous shopping chapter ahoy!
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I haven't actually read the books cuz they're so long
That explains a lot.
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but my sister read them to me once so I know everything that happens and stuff.
Liar.
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She thinks they're dumb, but she has to do it or I'll show mom the pictures of her with her boyfriend.
That's blackmail. I'm telling the FBI.
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I wish I had a boyfriend.
Maybe if you didn't accuse every boy of sexism...
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We decided to celebrate what we did by going shopping!
Because there's nothing worth celebrating more than arson and murder.
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McGonagall was wearing a pretty peach blouse with blue polka dots, a neon green microskirt with her royal purple thong underwear showing, bright yellow go-go boots, and tweed opera gloves. She had also dyed her hair olive green and styled it into a Dutch braid.
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"That's a lovely name!" said McGonagall wisely. "Someone needing a lobotomy would have chosen a retarded name like Scorpius, but Sunshine is much better."
Ah yes, the obligatory canon-bashing.
So, after they buy ridiculously improbable clothing...
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We all then went to Malfoy Manor to hang out together and stuff.
The following day, Crystal and Draco were arrested for child neglect and Sunshine was taken into care.
Next time on Becoming Female: Umbridge spoils a beautiful morning.
szaleniec Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11 Age : 39 Location : Europe
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Sun Jul 15, 2012 4:00 pm
GeorgeUK wrote:
Never noticed that. Maybe she does copy and paste her homework from Wikipedia.
The Last War suggested that the reason downtrodden!Hermione didn't run away from evil!Ron is that the Ministry was run by evil evil men and would automatically take his side. Then the kids would be at his mercy. No explanation of why downtrodden!Hermione put up with evil!Ron long enough to even have kids, of course. Then in a later chapter, evil!Ginny threatens to leave Harry and take their kids and the author forgets that she established the Ministry as always taking the man's side.
rae Contributor
Join date : 2009-06-10 Location : computer chair
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Sun Jul 15, 2012 8:17 pm
GeorgeUK wrote:
Next time on Becoming Female: Umbridge spoils a beautiful morning.
Good to see someone isn't breaking character.
Freezer Epic-Level Pornomancer
Join date : 2009-06-10 Age : 50 Location : Memphis, TN
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Sun Jul 15, 2012 11:37 pm
szaleniec wrote:
GeorgeUK wrote:
Never noticed that. Maybe she does copy and paste her homework from Wikipedia.
The Last War suggested that the reason downtrodden!Hermione didn't run away from evil!Ron is that the Ministry was run by evil evil men and would automatically take his side. Then the kids would be at his mercy. No explanation of why downtrodden!Hermione put up with evil!Ron long enough to even have kids, of course. Then in a later chapter, evil!Ginny threatens to leave Harry and take their kids and the author forgets that she established the Ministry as always taking the man's side.
IIRC, Herminone mentions that Ron didn't go full ogre until after she'd had Rosie.
GeorgeUK Sporkbender
Join date : 2011-05-16
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Mon Jul 16, 2012 7:33 am
Chapter 6, in which Umbridge spoils a beautiful morning.
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The next day I woke up in Draco's bed because we slept in the same bed because we were married and it was awesome and grown-up.
So...what about the time you had sex before marriage?
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Narcissa made us all food and served it to us because Draco didn't make me cook because he wasn't sexist like that sexist idiot Ron Raper.
So he makes his mother cook instead. Sexist!Ron count: 99
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"I'm kicking all your asses!" laughed Luna, who was winning victoriously
It's only a game.
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"UMBRIDGE!" we all screamed at her, but she didn't go away.
Of course she didn't. She's a villain.
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Arthur and Molly escaped from the burning house and went to the Ministry for help and now you all have to go to a trial tomorrow."
Shouldn't you arrest them? They may decide to not turn up.
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"That's SEXIST!" Hermione boomed epically.
There you have it, people. Bringing a girl to trial for arson and attempted murder is sexism. And sexism causes explosions.
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"Soon you'll all be in Azkaban!" she told us meanly.
Quite right.
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I started to cry at how unfair this was and Draco comforted me awesomely!
It's perfectly fair. You broke the law, tried to kill someone, and now you have to face the consequences.
Next time on Being Female: They go there.
GeorgeUK Sporkbender
Join date : 2011-05-16
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Tue Jul 17, 2012 7:10 am
Chapter 7, in which they go there.
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The next day, we all went to the trial thing at the Ministry of Magic place.
Well that's pretty stupid. It's not like you got arrested, you could have just skipped the country.
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I had put high-heeled pure gold sandals
That money could have gone to a charity. Such as Sexist Cooper Advertising.
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We all laughed at them for looking so stupid!
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, it is quite clear that the suspects have no remorse...
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"Where's Fudge? We'll take that homophobic idiot over you, YOU SLUT!"
Didn't Fudge change his mind about being homophobic?
...and you can quite clearly see, they show blatant contempt of court...
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"He's dead!" she yelled at us meanly. "He died last night in an accidental way which wasn't murder. That makes me the new Minister now!"
Umbridge killed him.
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"Now we'll start the trial," she said. I gasped at how unfair this was!
...their sense of self-entitlement, as they consider themselves above the law...
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He was a man and he looked exactly like Robert Pattinson except that he wasn't a vampire. He was Viktor Krum!
Robert Pattinson isn't a vampire.
Oh, and halfway down the story, Krum will turn out to be very sexist when the author discovers Robert Pattinson didn't play him.
Next time on Being Female: The trial thing starts!
szaleniec Sporkbender
Join date : 2009-06-11 Age : 39 Location : Europe
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Tue Jul 17, 2012 7:49 am
rae wrote:
GeorgeUK wrote:
Next time on Becoming Female: Umbridge spoils a beautiful morning.
Good to see someone isn't breaking character.
Heh.
Freezer wrote:
IIRC, Herminone mentions that Ron didn't go full ogre until after she'd had Rosie.
Quite possibly. My headcanon for that fic is that he always knew that Hermione only married him to stay close to Harry, thought he could still make it work at first but was gradually driven mad by suspicion and resentment.
GeorgeUK wrote:
Robert Pattinson isn't a vampire.
And was still at primary school when the fic is supposed to be set.
GeorgeUK Sporkbender
Join date : 2011-05-16
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Tue Jul 17, 2012 8:06 am
BTW, I took the liberty of giving this fic its own page on TVTropes.
GeorgeUK Sporkbender
Join date : 2011-05-16
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Wed Jul 18, 2012 7:06 am
Chapter 8, in which the trial thing starts!
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"You are charged with attacking these nice people and burning down their retarded house," she conveyed sluttily to us. "I'm sending you all to Azkaban where you can think about what you did!"
To be fair, it is an open and shut case.
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"Wait, you have to give them a chance to defend themselves!"
And what excuse, pray tell, will they conjure up?
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"Did these people give you any reason to attack them?" Viktor asked us in his amazing blue voice.
How can someone's voice be a colour?
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"Yeah, there were SEXIST!" I shouted epically and all the court people gasped. One of them fainted sadly.
...ladies and gentlemen of the jury, someone being sexist does not excuse arson and attempted murder...
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"Yeah, it's our word against yours, you dumb girl!" added in Molly sluttily.
Slut!moly count: 9 (I think)
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I couldn't think of how we could prove the truth to everyone
What, that you burned their house down and tried to kill them? Everyone knows that.
I am seriously enjoying the snarking. I have read the reviews for the first one, and there were a lot of people who actually took this story seriously, and liked it! What is wrong with them I will never know.
GeorgeUK Sporkbender
Join date : 2011-05-16
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Fri Jul 20, 2012 8:35 am
Chapter 9, in which the author doesn't know if Viktor can prove it.
So Luna is called to the stand and tells everyone that Sexist!Arthur and Slut!moly are sexist...
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Everyone gasped at how sexist that was, but I could tell half of them were secretly sexist and only pretending to gasp! I felt scared that they might vote against us and send us all to Azkaban where we didn't belong!
...the defendants clearly consider themselves above the law...
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"You'll never prove it, you little dumb girl thing!" shouted Arthur sexistly.
Sexist!Arthur count: 10
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"I believe those retarded sluts deserve equal rights with awesome men," he lied convincingly.
It's official. The jury's IQ, if they fall for it, is in the negative numbers.
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"Well, since there's no proof these nice people are sexist, I declare you guilty!" yelled Umbridge sluttily.
There you have it, people. A trial for arson and attempted murder is decided by whether or not the plaintiffs are sexist, and reaches the right verdict completely by accident.
You have to make the face my avatar is making, as you yell it out.
GeorgeUK Sporkbender
Join date : 2011-05-16
Subject: Re: Becoming Female Mon Jul 23, 2012 11:06 am
Chapter 10, in which Umbridge sucks! (You may want to cleanse any mental images from your mind.)
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"I have decided your punishment," Umbridge decided evilly.
Life in Azkaban.
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"You'll give me your wands and go live in the Muggle world forever!"
*Insert usual Pinkie Pie line here*
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"No, I won't let you!" I shouted, but we were forced to comply when some people pointed their wands at us sexistly.
Imagine the interview...
"So why did you apply for a court bailiff position?"
"Because I'm sexist."
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"Also, Ginny will go back to live with her parents since there's no proof they're sexist," said Umbridge sluttily. "They can do whatever they want to her!"
Given that moly has been shown engaging in sexual activity with chickens, I see some dodgy activities ahead.
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"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Ginny as Molly pulled her out of the court by her ear.
"No means yes." laughed Ron evilly as he threw Draco aside.
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"Now that I'm in charge of the wizard world thing," she said, "I'm making it a rule that no one can ever have sex! From now on, all babies will be delivered by storks."
And the wizard population died out within 5 years.
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"YOU FAT SLUT!" I yelled truthfully at her.
That's six months for contempt of court.
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"I can run the wizard world the way I want, stupid!" she said at me. "If you or your friends ever try to go into the wizard world again, I'll send you all to Azkaban! Take them away!"
Seems fair.
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I cried epically as the guards dragged us all out of the room meanly!
They're just doing their jobs.
Next time on Being Female: Return to the Dursleys.
Chapter 11, in which they don't actually return to the Dursleys until the last sentence.
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Those sexist guards threw me, Draco, and Luna out of the red elevator thing which went down into the Ministry room. We were now stuck on the streets!
The streets of London, where sexists and sluts roam by night.
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"What will we do now?" asked Draco as his epic tears masculinely poured down his face. "We're not allowed in the wizard world anymore and we have nowhere in the Muggle world to go!"
Offer sex for money.
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"Well, I still have the Dursleys," I said to them. "You can all move in with me."
Ah, yes. Turn up at the Dursleys' with a whole lotta wizards. That'll impress them.
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"But Uncle Vernon is really mean
At least he's in-character.
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"He's also very sexist
Of course.
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he hates wizards because he's a Christian fundamentalist."
That's new to me.
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We all went to the Privet Drive and I knocked on the door sadly.
"BOY!" yelled Vernon, and he sexistly hit Crystal with a piano before sexistly buggering Crystal's pleasure hole in a sexist way.
Next time on Being Female: The Christian Fundamentalist.
Chapter 12, in which we meet the Christian Fundamentalist.
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AN: I need more reviews, except from mean flamers like JOKEGIRL who SUCK.
Looks like you won't be getting any reviews then.
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Aunt Petunia opened the door sluttily. She was wearing ugly slutty clothes because she was a slut.
Wouldn't a Christian Fundamentalist be opposed to sluts?
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He was wearing Christian clothes.
Clothes are religious? Come to think of it, I think my shirt might be a Scientologist.
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"Who are you?" he asked in a bigot voice.
Uncle Vernon's lines are spoken by Mel Gibson.
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In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen!
Isn't that the sacrament? I can't imagine Vernon's church being too fond of catholicism.
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"So you'll let us stay here?" asked Draco sexily.
Good god, it sounds like Draco's coming on to Vernon.
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Vernon walked off to go pray on God
Squashing God flat in the process.
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Dudley was watching a dumb show called "Jokegirl". It was about this mean blonde cheerleader who was popular and mean and also extremely fat. She was called "Jokegirl" because she was such a joke. We all laughed as the people on the show gave her the lobotomy she needed.
Mary Whitehouse, where are you?
Next time on Being Female: Dudley is so cute! (So...incest?)
Chapter 13, in which Dudley is so cute! (Is he another character, like RON IS SO SEXIST!!!!!!!!?)
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You are SUCH a hypocrite, Jokegirl. It's okay for YOU to call me swear words like "dillhole" and "dumbass" just because you don't like my awesome story, but when I bravely stand up to your meanness, suddenly I'm the jerk!
This is similar to how Mel Gibson views history.
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You're just jealous cuz I have so many more reviews than you.
Venus God logic: 200 bad reviews are better than 50 good reviews.
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It turned out Dudley was retarded and he had only been so mean because he didn't know any better.
Run, Dudley, run! She'll feed you to the giant squid!
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Ever since he had apologized and said I wasn't a waste of space, he had been a complete sweetheart and now we were great friends.
Wha...but...wha...what the hell is this! You can't just become friejbrlsbnjfsbnirflowibrw
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