Things You've Learned from Badfic

In slash, all straight people are evil homophobes who make Michele Bachmann look like Rosie O'Donnell.

Sheba wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

Breast cancer is romantic.

Chemo will, at most, cause angst-able hair loss and a mild tummyache. Opportunistic infections and prednisone weightgain don't exist because they're not sexy.

And should the heroine, by some chance, not survive, she will grow more and more beautiful the closer she gets to death, till by the time she finally shuffles off this mortal coil, she'll be so breath-taking, you can hardly look at her (this is known in movie circles as 'The Love Story Effect,' after the 70's movie starring Ali McGraw and Ryan O'Neil).

The words "I'm pregnant" will turn any man into a wonderful father, even if he's completely evil (i.e. the Joker), emotionally damaged (Batman), self-centered (Jack Sparrow), or canonically a lousy parent (Darth Vader).

Ron Raper is sexist.

Anyone who doesn't look like Robert Pattinson is a sexist idiot.

GeorgeUK wrote:

Ron Raper is sexist.

Sexist Ron Count:- 95

Avengers who? There's no need to save the world, actually Tony and Steve just want to get married and adopt an adult Peter Parker, who is really confused by the entire thing.

Also: Pepper, Rhodey, Bucky, and Peggy will all have ceased to exist so that Tony and Steve can be the two best friends that anyone could have. Their only meaningful relationships are with each other.

Lady Anne wrote:

The words "I'm pregnant" will turn any man into a wonderful father, even if he's completely evil (i.e. the Joker), emotionally damaged (Batman), self-centered (Jack Sparrow), or canonically a lousy parent (Darth Vader).

Darth Vader was the father to the man who saved the Galaxy from the Empire and brought balance to the force.

I feel he was an adequate father.

ETA: I CAPITALIZE GALAXY AND EVERYTHING ELSE I GOOD AND GOD DAMN WELL PLEASE

DOUCHEBAGS

I have learned that it is appropriate to fuck any thing/person(s), for any reason, at any time, and at any place.

If you have a nice voice, everyone wants to hear you interrupt class/work/meetings/etc. to sing the latest pop hit.

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

The words "I'm pregnant" will turn any man into a wonderful father, even if he's completely evil (i.e. the Joker), emotionally damaged (Batman), self-centered (Jack Sparrow), or canonically a lousy parent (Darth Vader).

Darth Vader was the father to the man who saved the Galaxy from the Empire and brought balance to the force.

I feel he was an adequate father.

He force-gripped his wife to within an inch of her life, causing her to die in childbirth. He cut his son's hand off in a duel. He took no active role in raising his son, leaving his cousins to shoulder the burden by themselves. He left his son to work for his cousins' farm on a planet ruled by gangsters, with nothing more than a lightsabre and no time to buy power converters.

Also, I know fathers often disagree with their sons' politics, but he took it to the extreme of fighting on the opposite side of a war that consumed the entire galaxy! He was even prepared to shoot his own son down (though to be fair, he was trying to destroy his multibajillion credit battle station). Then he took his boss' side over his son's, because his son refused to come over to his side, and was prepared to kill him to advance his own career.

What a great father! :D

Cunovendus wrote:

He force-gripped his wife to within an inch of her life, causing her to die in childbirth.

Didn't the stupid hoobah-bot just say that she decided to die?

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He cut his son's hand off in a duel.

Builds character.

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He took no active role in raising his son, leaving his cousins to shoulder the burden by themselves. He left his son to work for his cousins' farm on a planet ruled by gangsters, with nothing more than a lightsabre and no time to buy power converters.

Except the existence of his son was hidden from him; it's not like he was skipping out on child support.

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Also, I know fathers often disagree with their sons' politics, but he took it to the extreme of fighting on the opposite side of a war that consumed the entire galaxy!

He'd been fighting that war for years. His son was the one who picked the opposite side.

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He was even prepared to shoot his own son down (though to be fair, he was trying to destroy his multibajillion credit battle station).

No, "to be fair," Luke was still some anonymous jackass in an enemy fighter.

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Then he took his boss' side over his son's, because his son refused to come over to his side, and was prepared to kill him to advance his own career.

When your son is as big of a disappointment as Luke was, I can't blame him.

The most appropriate response in a life-threatening situation is to sing a cheesy pop song.

Lady Anne wrote:

The words "I'm pregnant" will turn any man into a wonderful father, even if he's completely evil (i.e. the Joker), emotionally damaged (Batman), self-centered (Jack Sparrow), or canonically a lousy parent (Darth Vader).

This will also be true if the words 'You're pregnant' are being spoken to any man. Abortion? The idea that you're going to be a medical freak and, even if you should survive the pregnancy, your career is ruined? Nope. Anyone, any man or woman getting preggers and it's 'I'm gonna havva babby!!!111!!'

Summercorn wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

The words "I'm pregnant" will turn any man into a wonderful father, even if he's completely evil (i.e. the Joker), emotionally damaged (Batman), self-centered (Jack Sparrow), or canonically a lousy parent (Darth Vader).

This will also be true if the words 'You're pregnant' are being spoken to any man. Abortion? The idea that you're going to be a medical freak and, even if you should survive the pregnancy, your career is ruined? Nope. Anyone, any man or woman getting preggers and it's 'I'm gonna havva babby!!!111!!'

I hate fics that act like male pregnancy is perfectly normal. They don't even bother with a crazy-science explanation; he's just pregnant, and everyone is happy for him.

Physical abuse is just another way of saying "I love you".

Kevin M wrote:

Physical abuse is just another way of saying "I love you".

As is emotional manipulation, such as telling the other person you can't live without them, then attempting to commit suicide if they leave you anyway. They're not emotionally unstable wrecks, they REALLY REALLY love you.

Don't forget stalking! Basically in short: obsessive love isn't terrifying; it's sexy according to fangirls.

Things learned from the Harry Potter fandom:
Attempting to murder a classmate is forgivable, but bullying said classmate isn't.

No one matures or becomes a better person; once an assholish bully, always an assholish bully.

Every action is forgivable so long as said action is committed by an anti-hero type of character.

What I learned from fandom for The Avengers Movie:

Steve Rogers (aka Captain America) who grew up in the 1930s and 40s, when homosexuality was considered deviant behavior, a mortal sin, and could still get you put in jail, would have no qualms about jumping in bed with Tony Stark.

Also, Thor and Loki have a sexual crush that was consumated when they were young and now, both of them want to buttsex again. All their conflict is nothing to do with Earth, Odin, frost giants, betrayal, or gaining the throne to Asgard.

They want to shag. Will do on the slightest provocation. Especially if they meet up with Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth. M.M.M.M fanfiction ahoy.

Summercorn wrote:

Also, Thor and Loki have a sexual crush that was consumated when they were young and now, both of them want to buttsex again. All their conflict is nothing to do with Earth, Odin, frost giants, betrayal, or gaining the throne to Asgard.

They want to shag. Will do on the slightest provocation. Especially if they meet up with Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth. M.M.M.M fanfiction ahoy.

Is it sad that all I can think of here is "Well, they're not actually brothers, so at least it's not incest?"

That's my thought too, along with at least neither of them are pregnant. Not yet anyways.

Badfic's basically killed my standards.

I learned that sex can restore a person's faith in their creator.

And, all it takes for a relationship to get started is a few well placed innuendos and a stolen kiss. After that, sexah-times are but a chapter away.

Mouse wrote:

That's my thought too, along with at least neither of them are pregnant. Not yet anyways.

Badfic's basically killed my standards.

Careful what you wish for, Mouse.

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"I'm carrying your son, you giant hammer-wielding idiot!" Loki yelled before whimpering in pain, turning to puke on the marbled floor.

I have learned that being rude and obnoxious to people in authority is the best way to act - people will respect your "spunk", and there will be no consequences.

I have also learned that mastering martial arts takes very little time, and studying under a Japanese martial arts instructor (it HAS to be Japanese because that country holds the world monopoly on martial arts) will give you the skills to defeat any antagonist, because a real fight is basically the same as a friendly sparring match with your instructor.

Added: Oh yes, I've also learned that Evanescence, Good Charlottes and My Chemical Romance are the definitive gothic bands, while Hot Topic is THE place to shop for gothic clothing (and have branches all over the world - my inability to locate one in the UK is obviously due to my ineptitude). If you like other bands, or shop elsewhere for clothes, you are a "prep".