A Toad and a Wolverine Walk into a Bar, by Siubhan: "Okay, which willy do I put it on?" (NWS)

A Toad and a Wolverine Walk into a Bar by Siubhan

OK, I am going to disclaimer this one by saying it is not really bad, per se. It is obvs supposed to be silly. I still found it pretty snarkable, however, so I am going to riff on it anyways. Because that it how I roll, bitches.

So, Wolverine is in a bar bitching about how when he asks for a beer he learns to his shock and dismay that there are different kinds of beer and he has to choose one. My dad does that same thing. Just get a PBR, dude.

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"He'll have a Harp, I'll have a Guinness," someone else said, sliding onto the stool two over from his. "I'm paying."

Ooooh, smooth opening game there, Toad. Nice work.

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"I can pay for my own beer," Logan grumbled, digging into his pocket,

Logan, however, is an independent woman and does not need no man paying his way.

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With a wary glare, Logan slowly returned to his barstool and started sipping his beer. "Never had Harp before. This is pretty good. How'd you know I'd like it?"

"It's not typical watery American piss, but it's not heavy either. Figured it'd be right up your Canadian alley."

Awww, cultural understanding, how cute~

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"You touch Jean again, I'll rip your guts out."

"Keep those pokers away from Mystique and it's a deal."

Yeah, you guys are right. It will work out much more sexfully if you let the girls just fight it out amongst themselves.

So Toad bitches about how Mystique would rather slut it up with Magsy and Sabertooth than take a ride on the 12-foot tongue train. Then Wolvie whines that Jean would rather bang the milquetoast boyscout than the roguish badboy.

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"Pansy ass bugger," Toad sneered. "Knocked him out with just a couple of kicks. The girls fought back, but him? Passed out cold."

They bond over dissing on pansy ass bugger Scott. Ah, young love.

So then they get completely shit-faced. Because drunk sex is best!

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They both drained their glasses, and Toad slumped over onto Logan's shoulder. "Whoa. I'm pretty pissed."

"Sound relaxed to me," Logan said, clapping him on the back.

"No, you daft Canuck, I mean drunk. Gotta go take a slash."

Logan shot a confused look at the back of his knuckles.

"It means pee!"

Ah, cultural misunderstanding, how cute~

So they go pee together and comment on each other's penises. As you do. Then they both decide to crash in Wolvie's truck because they are both too wasted to drive.

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"'S the bartender knockin' on the truck."

"You're not driving!!!" they heard him yell.

"We're not drivin'!!!" they yelled back.

"Okay I believe you!!!"

Then they start bitching about sex. Or their lack thereof.

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Logan sat bolt upright and said, "Hey, we c'n do better than them!"

"Yeah!" Toad agreed, pointing a finger emphatically in the air.

And then jamming it on the roof of the truck.

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"Hunh?" Logan turned his head a little too quickly, and after the world caught up, went, "Yeah. Hey, are you sayin' we should have sex with each other, tape it, and show it to them as proof that we're amazing lays?"

"What? No! How did you even come to that conclusion?"

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As Logan fumbled drunkenly with the camera, Toad slipped out of his layers and layers of clothes. "You rollin' yet?" he asked.

"Not yet. Lemme jus' prop it up. Whoa bub! Yer naked!"

" 'M sorry, I must be outta practice. Are you suppos'd to have sex with your clothes on now?"

The next bit plays out like the gayest drunken frat boy youTube vid ever.

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"All right, all right," Logan grumbled, then turned to the camera and said, "Look'it this, Jean! Look'it what'cher missin'!"

"M'stique, this one's for you!" Toad hollered before planting a fat one on Logan.

"Bub, the camera is right there. Quit yelling in my ear."

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Toad, meanwhile, was pumping Logan's erection with his hand and licking his balls until Logan was fully hard. Pointing at it, he proclaimed, "Look'it this, Jean, ye daft cunt! Eight inches! He's a fuckin' Clydesdale!"

Oh yeah, Logan. Jean is sure to fall for you now.

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"Okay, who's on top?" Logan asked, rummaging through his piles of shit until he came up with a condom.

"I am," Toad said, snatching it out of his hand.

"Oh, OK."

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"Okay, which willy do I put it on?"

"You've just got the one, bub."

Toad closed one eye and went, "Oh yeah! Cor, I'm bladdered."

Fearing confusion in the viewing audience, Wolvie narrates to the camera:

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Logan crawled over to the camera and said, "We're both totally fuckin' blotto, and we've got hard-ons you could hammer nails with! An' I don't even have adamantium in my dick."

There are a lot of possible riffs for this line, but I am just going to quote what Nihilist said when I showed the quote to him:

Nihilist wrote:

FEEL MY ADAMANTIUM BONER

Yeah... that about sums it up.

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"I think this'd go easier if I could grease up the works."

"Motor oil?" Logan suggested helpfully.

"Eww, no. What are you, a savage? I've got lotion. Straaaaaawberry lotion~!" (I am not making this up the lotion is plot-point.)

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"I'm tellin' ya, Mystique! You don't know what you're missing!" As the tip of Toad's tongue started tickling his ear, Logan moaned, "Oh man!" before lapsing into total incoherence and then shooting his load all over the bedroll.

Toad shuddered and groaned, then retracted his tongue and went, "Bollocks. Didn't have much stamina that time."

I am impressed, actually. When I get drunk the first thing to go is the feeling in my naughty-bits. Taking a piss is like, sitting on a toilet while a ghost takes a piss.

So, they go at it an unreasonable number more times. I am surprised Wolvie is still drunk at this point. Seems like it would take a small fortune and a short coma to get him a sustained buzz with his healing factor. Fortunately (unfortunately?) for him, his healing factor does not kick in until the next morning.

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Logan woke up in the back of his truck, shaking off one of the worst hangovers he'd ever had. Normally, he didn't get them at all. If he did, they went away almost instantly. This one took a couple minutes, though.

Asshole. His memory is shot though, so he takes a peek at the conspicuous video recorder pointed right at him.

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against his better judgement, he rewound, hit play, and looked at the little viewscreen.

Toad?!? He'd had sex with Toad?

He watched the playback with growing horror. Oh god. He'd bottomed for Toad?

I mean, fucking a man is one thing, but being fucked? That stuff is for queers.

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Logan snapped his head up at the loud banging on the side of the truck. He opened the door, right hand already curled into a fist, and saw a rumpled and freaked Toad standing outside, leaves and twigs sticking out of his hair. "I just woke up in the bushes out there with a massive hangover. Did we..?"

Haha, you made him sleep outside? What a dick.

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"Yeah."

"And we taped it?"

"Yeah."

"Gimme the tape."

"I need it for my... collection."

So, they have themselves a big ol' toxic bum fire, burning Toad's pants, the tape, the lotion, and Logan's bedroll. Logan loans Toad a pare of his pants and they swear never to speak of it again.

The End.

Except for the sequel.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

A Toad and a Wolverine Walk into a Bar by Siubhan
bum fire

I see what you did there.

But yeah, this is....odd. To even get mildly drunk wouldn't Logan have to be chugging pure ethanol or something? And how did Toad's hygiene issues never become a problem? I mean, isn't he supposed to be greasy as fuck and smell seriously foul? Even shitfaced, that's like the polar opposite of sexy.

Sheba wrote:

And how did Toad's hygiene issues never become a problem? I mean, isn't he supposed to be greasy as fuck and smell seriously foul? Even shitfaced, that's like the polar opposite of sexy.

Uh, that is real Toad? We are talking about fanon!Toad here. Like, duh?
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
If you do not think he is sexy it is a hate crime! HAAAAAATE CRIIIIIIME!

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So they go pee together and comment on each other's penises. As you do.

At least in Badficlandia.


It's the narration of what they're doing for the camera that kills me. I keep thinking of Tuxedo Mark.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

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"Pansy ass bugger," Toad sneered. "Knocked him out with just a
couple of kicks. The girls fought back, but him? Passed out cold."

They bond over dissing on pansy ass bugger Scott. Ah, young love.

I'm pretty convinced this is canon for every drinking night that Scott doesn't attend, which is probably all of them provided they do a good enough job ditching him. "THE BIG BOYS ARE GOING TO GO GET SLOSHED, SCOTT, NO PUSSIES ALLOWED. DON'T FOLLOW US THIS TIME, WE WILL MESS YOUR SHIT UP."

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Taking a piss is like, sitting on a toilet while a ghost takes a piss.

A lot of this made me laugh, but for some reason, that was the line to totally crack me the fuck up. I don't even know why.