Womb Raider: gaijinguy and Malganis tackle a Lara Croft fic that has a serious pest problem... NWS

*Catchy theme music plays again. Fade into gaijinguy's library set.*

gaijinguy: Well, folks, sorry about the delay. This group, Mothers Opposed to Obscenity, tried to get us taken off the air for (*takes newspaper clipping out of his pocket*) "Gross obscenity and perverse notions of the sacred act of birth." They were totally right, of course, but the ACLU refused to let us get shut down, no matter how much I undermined- I mean, supported them. However, they did get us a temporary restraining order against male pregnancy, so this is going to be a very special episode, where we learn to be tolerant of pregnant people who aren't men.

If you've ever met a real pregnant person, you know: a lot harder than it sounds. So this very special episode is called. . . good God. . .

"Womb Raider, by Armageddon."

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The dust had settled.

gaijinguy: And all of the partygoers were bummed that the cocaine had been spilled. Didn't stop Hillary from snorting it off the dog, though.

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Optic orbs

gaijinguy: Oh, fuck, PURPLE ALERT!

Malganis: Not to mention describing a person's eyes as 'optic orbs' makes no sense. Unless we're talking about a robot here, and I don't want to imagine either the Terminator, a Transformer, or WALL-E connected in any way, shape, or form with this fic.

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blinked numerous times as if trying to clear the fog from behind them, though in truth the individual's lack of sight was caused by stirred up particles consisting of sand, dirt, and dust.

gaijinguy: "She couldn't see through the dust." Was that so hard?

. . . why do I get the feeling that I'm going to regret that question.

Malganis: 'Cause we're dealing with an author whose prose is as urple as the throbbingly engorged head of his purple-helmeted love warrior.

...See, it's contagious.

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The entrance to the complex temple had reached easily enough, the piles of rock and stone all that remained of some unknown statue which moment's before had loomed over the only accessible passage into the interior of the unknown.

gaijinguy: "full of mysteries and danger of the kind with which these adventures of Lara Croft's were usually fraught with-" HOLY RUN-ON SENTENCE, BATMAN!

Malganis: *red-inks all over the page before reconsidering and simply stabbing the author through the eye with the editing pen*

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Despite the sun having reached its peak over the Amazonian jungle the canopy of vines and treetops filtered out most of the sun's brilliance into the quaint meadow before the ruins.

gaijinguy: I don't think "quaint" is the right word- it implies old-fashioned, but in a human context. If the jungle hasn't been occupied since the time of the temple-builders, quaint is a bit of an understatement. Not terrible use, though, just a bit. . . off.

Malganis: Of course it's quaint, gaijin. It's a peaceful, happy meadow where butterflies fill the air with beautiful colors, children play without a care in the sunshine, old couples come to celebrate their golden years while feeding ducks on the pond as the evening falls, and the rapebugs happily roam the quiet countryside, snatching up victims for their unholy, twisted bestiality rituals.

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Lara Croft, infamous raider of tombs,

gaijinguy: Or, perhaps, "Tomb Raider?"

Either this person is trying to be very verbose, or English isn't their first language.

Malganis: No, no, no. "Raider of tombs". It sounds more important. And looks better on a resume.

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seemed content enough to allow the haze to dwindle toward nothingness revealing a simple stone case of stairs that descended downward into the gloom.

Malganis: "Seemed content enough"? Like there was actually a damn thing she could have done about it, besides shine her flashlight down there?

gaijinguy: Good thing it was the simple stone case of stairs. The complex stone cases of stairs run you an extra thousand bucks even before installation.

Malganis: Gotta budget when planning the construction of your Unholy Rapebug Spawning chambers.

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Delicate digits reached back into a simple back that was carried upon her left shoulder

gaijinguy: Wait. Simple back?

Malganis: She's bringing simple back. Yeeeeah.

gaijinguy: Now I'm imagining Lara Croft carrying a delimbed torso on her shoulder.

Malganis: *phat funky beat*

gaijinguy: Hmm. Lara Croft as Dark Eldar? I'll be in my bunk.

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in a lazy absent minded manner, searching for one of numerous torches that had been brought along for the venture. The brief break in protocol allowed her mind to drift back nearly a week

gaijinguy: dredging up painful memories of her time in finishing school. She remembered that vicious hag, Madame Frothingtonberry, who would rap her across the knuckles with a ruler when she broke protocol. "Remember, Lara!" The old bag would rasp. "A proper lady always keeps her flashlight buckled to her belt when wearing short-shorts and looting priceless treasures for no reason! What do you want people to think you are, trash?"

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, in which she had first caught news of the elusive wonder that stood before her.

gaijinguy: I like my version better.

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It had been a simple enough town, a village more or less, near numerous crypts, temples, and other buildings devoted to religious fanatics that had been thought supposedly empty. In truth they had been, though what they lacked in treasures of precious metals they made up for in information. A strange type of tale was etched into the walls of the deepest chambers, upon material that appeared to be marble. Age had worn away a fair amount of text, and was in a language that was unfamiliar to her...most likely code or encryption of some sort. A couple of days prior to her trip to the area around the Amazonian River the discovered message had been deciphered.

gaijinguy: Nothing really wiseass to say about this paragraph, really. It's still got problems getting to the fucking point, but it's a fairly succinct backstory. Relish the competence, it's not sticking around.

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Both the torch and parchment of paper

gaijinguy: OK, I'm pretty sure about the "English as second language" thing, or the author's less competent with a thesaurus that Christopher Paolini. "Parchment" and "paper" are two different things entirely.

Malganis: ... I dunno, gaijin, after reading kippurbird's sporkings of the Inheritance Cycle, I doubt that anything could be worse than Pao-Pao's verbal diarrhea. Granted, the Eragon books don't have bug-rape in them, but still....

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containing the scribbles of the known message came into her grasp, idly she read the message out loud, many gaps of words left where they had faded centuries ago. "Behold the ruins of Kigogama, home of death which bask in the glow of its sister temple Vita, home of life upon the Amazonian delta"

gaijinguy: Would it have been called "the Amizonian delta" in the original material? Did temple-builders from centuries ago even know that it was a delta? Why does all of this transcribe perfectly into English? Especially when it's supposed to be fragmented? HALP PLX

Malganis: ... Because it's convenient to the plot? Or, should I say, convenient enough to the plot that it doesn't reveal the STUNNING TWIST that's coming up....

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the rest of the message had only contained random words in a seemingly unrelated string, their sentences long lost due to the affects of time. "Life?" that alluring voice laced with British accent carried across the meadow with silver-like tones, the melodious sound matching her equally attractive form.

gaijinguy: This is reading like a Mary Sue's introduction instead of something about a well-loved- OK, well-KNOWN video game character.

Malganis: I must admit, this guy is an amazingly talented one-handed typist. I bet he took a night course on it in college.

...In his dorm.

...At the computer.

...Looking at Lara Croft.

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Lara had long since became a woman of envy: money, looks, charm, and physical ability were but a few of her magnetic qualities...not to mention her unusual career that was both exciting and dangerous.

gaijinguy: Um. . . long since what? Nothing's really in the long past except for the finishing school tangent, um, didn't happen within the story. Unless-

Oh God.

STOP READING MY MIND! YOU'RE MISINTERPERTING THAT THING WITH REVY, I SWEAR TO CHRIST!

*Hunches up and glances around*

Malganis: NEXT TIME ON MALE PREGNANCY THEATER, gaijinguy reveals his sordid past!

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Her typical devilish attire donned her form this afternoon: obsidian skintight shorts seemed to be sewn onto her canvas of flesh

gaijinguy: Ow ow OW! What is she, the rag doll from Nightmare Before Christmas?

Malganis: She could be a Cenobite.

... Actually, that's pretty damn hot.

gaijinguy: Here's a hint, fanbrats: master the basics of a language before you try purple prose.

Malganis: And don't mix it with pr0n, because that makes it just sound even more pretentious and stupid.

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the way they snuggled every curve, leather bands strapped around the girth of her upper thighs supporting a twin pair of pistols, matching hued shirt that seemed no less as revealing as

gaijinguy: "than"

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the rest of her ensemble, and additional leather bands that braided raven locks into a lengthy ponytail which tumbled down her back like some sort of exotic waterfall. She claimed dressing so allowed for maximum agile movement...though others seemed to guess otherwise.

gaijinguy: Again- purple, but not horrific aside from that. *Scratches head.* Man, this is harder to snark than I expected- hitting all those hanging curveballs that Greyson Moore kept pitching really made me lazy.

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Her previous thoughts once again were repeated out loud "life? Since when...pray tell...do religious fanatics base temples upon life?

gaijinguy: Since, um, ever? Remember those pioneers of civil rights, the Aztecs? They worshiped the sun, the source of almost all life on Earth. You'd think an archaeologist would be up on these matters.

Malganis: And... you know, fertility cults? You know about those, right, Lara? The ones that have little statues that look kind of like you, only just a little exaggerated?

... You know, I'm starting to think that the bugs have already sucked out her brain.

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This sister temple...what as it again?"

Malganis: *as Lara* "...and did I leave the oven on back at home?"

gaijinguy: Death? Just a hunch, mind.

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a quick glance to the parchment confirmed the name she sought. "Kigogama...makes quite a bit of sense, for death appears to be a natural event when dealing with various temples and such".

Malganis: Yeah, it's even on your health and life insurance, for full coverage in case of maiming or death by temple.

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Her thoughts drifted off, pushing aside such useless questions that she wasn't able to do anything about as she sauntered down into the bowels of the ruins.

gaijinguy: And was beset by a horrific stench. The ruins, it appeared, had tacos for lunch.

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The interior is what was to be expected for it matched its sister temple in any ways.

gaijinguy: So they're identical?

Malganis: It's Attack of the Sweet Valley High Twin Temples! Whacky hi-jinks ensue as hapless raiders enter them and constantly, hilariously mistaken one temple for the other! It gets even funnier when the evil temple is pretending to be the good temple! Har har har!

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The stairs led downward quite some way, opening up into a grandiose main chamber where slight breaks and gaps in the ceiling allowed streams and shafts of light to glow with a heavenly grace into an otherwise dim surrounding.

gaijinguy: And on the eighth day, God created porn?

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Sparks flew and a flame was ignited. Flint and steel were struck and the torchlight brought shadows along the ancient walls making the area seem no less threatening.

gaijinguy: Wait, WHAT? I thought they were using "torch" as a Britisism for "flashlight-" the thing that sane people use for illumination when carrying priceless parchments.

Of course, in the games, she never seemed to need a flashlight, and torches were always picked up on the spot to solve the retarded puzzle de jour.

Malganis: Stop trying to bring logic to a fapping fantasy, gaijin.

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Thick

Malganis: How thick?

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vines climbed up every spot they were able, as if reaching for the precious warmth of the sun their masses appearing to be everywhere.

gaijinguy: As opposed to the sun's light? You know, photosythesis- ah, fuck, why do I bother.

Malganis: That's the spirit, gaijin.

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With sure-footed steps Lara made her way into the center of the chamber, eyeing darting around as if expecting possible danger from traps or other equally unwanted sources at every turn.

gaijinguy: Not only does this author not speak English, apparently they also havn't played the game. No "as if" about it, there are going to be traps and other dangers (first among these being shitty collision detection and programming fuckups, but those are sort of occupational hazards for her.)

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In truth what had the raider more nervous than anything was the style of the temple. Kigogama, the temple of death had countless passage ways branching off from the main antechamber, making navigation nearly impossible unless certain tricks where known...while here in the temple known as Vita, temple of light only one passage was presently given.

gaijinguy: Wait, "light" or "life?" I seem to remember the whole life/death thing being sort of a theme here. On a related note: spellcheck is not a substitute for proofreading.

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Not only that, but gaining entrance this time around had been a great deal simpler, the blocking statue had broke with ease.

gaijinguy: Genre savvy Lara Croft? It could work, given how she's had about eleventy quintillion cookie-cutter epic adventures at this point.

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An elegant rolling of hips followed and she guessed it had to do with some religious nonsense "perhaps...the many passage ways indicated the many ways to die? and the single passage here shows the only way to be brought into life...for we're all born in the same manner"

gaijinguy: Except for those life forms that hatch, or bud, or spawn, or hell, even c-section babies. "No man of woman born" indeed.

Malganis: gaij, remember what I said about not bringing logic into this?

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it had been a stab in the dark,

Malganis: *sings* "...But a shot in the dark, one step away from you/
A shot in the dark, not a thing that you can do/
A shot in the dark, always creeping up on you..."

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a simple guess to ease her conscious about the eerie surroundings that attempted to swallow her.

gaijinguy: Om nom nom. Tastes like chi- silicone?

Malganis: Ick! Talk about indigestion....

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Several times along her journey did she discover hidden latches, loose stones, and other equally clever means to trigger various traps. Everyone one had been easily avoided enough or deactivated, though another thought had pierced into her mind. Every trap that had been found had one thing in common, they weren't meant to kill or at least they didn't appear to be able to, causing the trespasser to become wounded seemed to be the apparent goal.

gaijinguy: Come on, Lara, you've run into weirder shit than this. How about the gold statue that reflected damage onto you, or the automotons with the gems in their chests that. . . right. Retardation of trapping the shit out of a temple aside (did nobody ever actually use these places?) a major injury in the middle of the jungle when you're by yourself IS a death sentence.

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A slight jolt traveled up her spine at the thought…were the previous inhabitants of the temple so twisted that they enjoyed watching others squirm in pain as they died of starvation? Perhaps, however, there was another reason…one that was more sinister that the previous thought…what if…

gaijinguy: Damn, even the author is pointing it out now. Pity about the PWP and the fact that they can't write for shit.

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Her thoughts became interrupted as searing pain flooded through her left leg, she cursed herself for a fool for not having fully paid intention.

gaijinguy: That will teach her to have an inner monologue!

Malganis: I wonder how much hit point damage she just took.

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Also the trap had been quite ingenious, for despite Lara testing each step she took by only applying a small amount of weight upon the floor, a trick she had learned to find raised stones which triggered traps, had set off anyway. A wicked looking dart protruded from her leg, and almost instantly she seemed to collapse under her own weight. Frantically her chest rose and fell, ample globes of lust upon her chest bouncing as a result…

gaijinguy: Down boy, DOWN BOY! We havn't even gotten to the fucking. . . uh. . . main part of the plot yet!

Malganis: "Ample globes of lust"? Are those kind of like the "Flaming globes of Sigmund"?

"It's just as you prophesied! Her ginormously huge breasts, bouncing. Like ample globes of lust, Sigmund. Like ample globes. Ah, ha, ha, ha.."

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she thought herself for dead by poison though after a few moments when no pain she glanced downward and with shaky hands withdrew the needle from her flesh. An experimental flex of her leg was given, but no response came. Apparently the dart had been coated with a paralyzing liquid rather than poison…once again proving her theory that the traps were meant to wound and not kill…much to her delight. There she sat willing to wait till the effects wore off for it didn't seem to be a particularly strong paralyzing agent since it didn't spread anywhere passed her left leg…or at least she had been willing to wait, until the noises were heard.

Lara's head canted back and forth, trying to gain a more favorable angle in which to hear understand what she was hearing.

gaijinguy: Uh- what about her arms? She should be able to crawl, or at least lift her body to get a better vantage point.

Malganis: ... She can't crawl, due to the weight of her large-watermelon-sized breasts? Just a thought...

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It sounded like the soft clicking of fingernails drumming against the walls and ceiling…or…legs!

gaijinguy: Because the woman who's been shooting giant spiders with an infinity of bullets since game 1 would take a while to figure this out.

Malganis: Actually, it's the high heels of thousands of women whose boyfriends/husbands are ignoring them sexually in favor of masturbating over Lara Croft/Angelina Jolie. And man, are they pissed!

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Instantly realizing what caused the sounds

Malganis: Insta-Recognition! When you don't want to waste any more time getting to the porny parts of the story... just slather on some Insta-Recognition and your characters will be making intuitive leaps in their judgment and perceptions in no time at all. :D

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she drew the pistols from her side and scooted herself as best she could into the middle of the corridor she was currently within. Her own movements seemed to trigger the approaching sound as well, for whatever was hidden in the darkness seemed to scuttle around frantically as well as if not sure whether to run or approach. Lara held the torch higher allowing the radius of light to expand revealing what had been in the darkness.

gaijinguy: I say, my dear lass, have you heard of this new invention called the- oh dear, what was it- the "light bulb?" It's from the colonies, quite smashing- not literally of course, forgive my jest- and allows you to produce illumination without fire! Whatever will they think of next?

Also, you can duct tape them to guns.

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Half a dozen insects approached, appearing to resemble the 'pincher bugs' they had back home…not knowing the scientific name for them she had merely referred to them as such. These creatures were somehow different, and obviously bigger at around half a foot long.

gaijinguy: OK, props to the author on this one: eighteen-inch pincher bugs would be fucking scary.

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Elongated bodies coated in a type of carapace armor being carried along many rows of thundering legs.

Malganis: Forget the bugs -- what's scary is that sentence fragment.

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The most intimidating feature was the pinchers upon the tail end of them, appearing capable of cutting through her being quite easily.

Malganis: Awesome, I vote we test them on the author of this fic.

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Wasting no time shots began to fire,

gaijinguy: All by themselves? JOSE CUERVO IS A BANDITO!

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a pair of bugs splattering quite noisily as they were torn to pieces by the high velocity bullet. Disgusting innards decorated the floor as a result and the advancing bugs ceased their approach anticipating what had happened.

gaijinguy: No, not "anticipating." They saw it. They did not anticipate anything- if they had, they'd probably have arranged not to get shot in the first place.

Malganis: I would think they'd start eating their fallen insectoid comrades, but that's just me. Or logic. I dunno.

gaijinguy: The English language is your friend, but that won't last if you keep abusing it so.

Malganis: Yeah, author, don't make the English language slap a restraining order on your ass.

Oh wait, too late. It did.

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Again shots were fired, though this time around they missed their mark.

gaijinguy: Good thing the default pistols have unlimited ammo. Or did, until Angel of Darkness. . .

[quote]The insects apparently sensed movements from vibrations through the ground rather than from sight, for after feeling the second set of bullets struck the floor they scuttled away. Whatever plans they had with the wounded Lara remained a mystery.

gaijinguy: Given that they're bugs, I don't think they "plan" so much as "get hungry."

Malganis: Actually, they do make plans, gaijin. Their plan is to RULE THE WORLD... and they would've gotten away with it, except for those pesky cans of Raid.

Actually, Lara could use some Raid right now.

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"Damn buggers…" cursed softly under her heated breath, assuming they had been some sort of flesh scavengers or something equally deadly.

Not wishing to meet up with another wandering group of the creatures she let out a groan of protest as she rose to her feet, her leg physically complaining the whole time.

gaijinguy: "It's almost Rape O'Clock!" It squealed. "Get out of this fanfic before the wank material sets in! We only have seconds to spare!"

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Still capable of walking she had to nevertheless slow to a near crawl,

Malganis: Is she overburdened? My Diablo 2 characters always slow down whenever they have too much loot in their packs.

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however as fortune would have it what appeared to be the deepest recess of chambers greeted her sight as the seemingly endless corridor was cleared. The light from the torch basked the whole room in an array of light, for the walls were plated with what seemed to be precious metals of gold and silver. As in the rest of the temple vines wove up the walls, across the ceiling, and even over the bulk of the dais that rose up within the center of the room upon which a blood red stone sat, possibly a ruby. Excitement was pushed down as she resisted the urge to blindly rush to her prize.

gaijinguy: Umm. Yeah. You've just been dosed with an unknown chemical agent in a trap-loaded temple and attacked by things straight from the mind of Lovecraft. At what point do you just say "fuck it," turn around, and go home?

Malganis: Apparently... never.

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Eventually she stood before the jewel, having taken the utmost care to check for every possible trigger she knew of to avoid getting a second dart or something less pleasant into her form. Oddly enough she found none, though given the other strange events within the temple she assumed it was to put the raider into a sense of paranoia rather than anything else. A swipe of her agile tongue wetted dry tiers

gaijinguy: Huh? Where did we get tiers from? Is she licking the stonework or something?

Malganis: Yeah, it's a new way to get high. All the cool kids got sick of huffin' jenkem and turned to licking the dusty, bug-doot-and-jizz-covered stonework of ancient temples of rapey doom.

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as she leaned forward for a closer look, at closer inspection the gem didn't seem to be a ruby at all, for it was nearly transparent and had strange veins coursing through its interior. Despite all this it appeared no less beautiful or valuable for that matter and palms captured the treasure within her grasp and gave a soft pull.

Malganis: Did her palms just detach themselves from her body and start doing stuff on their own? o_O

gaijinguy: Jesus CHRIST. Lara, I know you suck at pattern recognition, but seriously: helping yourself to random artifacts has led to the unleashing of evil gods, among other things. You don't even know what this one is made of, and you're still going to grab first and ask questions later?

Actually, that's totally in character. Carry on.

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The jewel didn't budge, though with that single tug the raider of tombs had sealed her fate.

Malganis: There's that highfalutin' title again.

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Immediately noises were heard all around her, though it was difficult to determine where they originated.

Malganis: That's this fic's WGW audience, going "BOOOO!"

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No sooner was Lara able to regain her composure and react that one of many tendrils of vines coiled around her waist with surprising strength.

gaijinguy: Vines do not work like. . . never mind. More to the point, naughty tentacles ahoy.

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With an intense flexing and pulling Lara tumbled down a few stairs of the dais like a rag doll where equally strong tendrils awaited to embrace around her lithe wrists and ankles. Frantic struggles, squirms, and thrashes of her toned form were given using every last reserve of energy she had within her after such a lengthy trek on foot and losing a good portion of movement due to the numbing dart. The thick girths of the vines

gaijinguy: Ah.

Now I get why the language was so choppy- it was pornospeak all along. It just looked out of place in the ostensibly plot-driven setup.

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made them impossibly strong and were quite flexible, as such were unable to be torn as well. Lara threw her head back and let loose a blood curdling scream as fear and panic overwhelmed her all at once, never having experienced anything of this in her past expeditions.

gaijinguy: To be fair, none of her previous expeditions had taken her to Japan.

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The securing vines seemed content to merely let its captive struggle, expending her precious energy in a useless battle. After some time Lara's form simply went limp, unable to even budge slightly and gain more favorable movement. Her soft cries and pleas of help, directed toward no one that was obviously present, were broken when the familiar scuttling of feet were heard.

gaijinguy: Who is this person and what have they done with, you know, the one who kills mercenaries and giant spiders without breaking a sweat? Lara Croft is not the damsel in distress. She's the damsel causing other people's distress.

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"Uh oh…God no…not now!"

Malganis: "No! No! Not the bore worms!"

gaijinguy: "I JUST did my HAIR! My GOD!"

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Her muscles were burning sore, chest rose and fell rapidly as gasps of breaths were taken into her exhausted body, but still she tried one last time to break free for she didn't wish to experience whatever those insects had in mind for her. In this period she wondered about the vines holding her. Why had they imprisoned her so? She assumed it had a mutual gain the plant life and the horrendous insects. Perhaps the bugs cleaned the vines of parasites, the more bugs the better the vines faired, and to gain more bugs they had to be fed.

gaijinguy: Actually, that makes a little bit of sense. Not much, but a little.

Malganis: If she was going to be eaten by the vine, that is.

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That is where she thought she would fit in.

Malganis: *Bugs give big cheesy smiles* "Don't worry, Lara! You'll fit in perfectly here! We can even redecorate just for you!"

gaijinguy: Bugs don't have very complicated agendas. Except for the ones that lay their eggs on you while you're still alive so their young will have a nice meal when they hatch.

Malganis: gaijin, you kidding? They said they'd redecorate!

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The approaching 'pincher bugs' appeared to be adults where before the others had been merely infants for these that greeted her were at least two feet in length, some even bigger. That caused her to panic all the more as the insects closed in upon her body by climbing up the steps where she laid at an angle. At the jerking movements the bugs scuttled away, though sensing its prey was unable to do much more than that she approached once more circling around her trembling body. Tears streamed down the once proud raider's face as utter despair filled her soul, and then it was pain.

gaijinguy: Are there words for how wrong Lara Croft raepfic is? I mean, I could see it happening if you had a Silent Hill crossover, but turning her into a wilting flower is just retarded. This woman has taken on gods, for. . . uh. . . their sake.

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The pincher bugs curled their tail ends forward, bringing their pinchers down by their heads to fiercely cut away the tasteless material of her attire.

Malganis: Yeah, I can just see the author typing this one-handed while mumbling "Yeah, you tasteless, slutty garment, you take that. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. Ooh, I see titties as her tasteless slutty bra is cut away... FIERCELY. Yeah, yeah, you slut..."

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More than once pinchers pinching into her soft inviting flesh causing a yelp of pain to escape Lara as she believed she was being attacked and torn to pieces.

The now useless scraps drifted down toward the ground as if caught in some unfelt breeze, pistols falling with them and tumbling down the steps well beyond her reach. Cries of fear changed to gasps of surprise as both of her now exposed nipples were taken captive between a pair of pinchers, attentively tugged, pinched, and twisted to hardness with as much of a harsh nature as possible.

gaijinguy: In the animal kingdom, "as much of a harsh nature as possible" starts with dismemberment and only gets worse.

Malganis: Well, this is gurochan we're talking about. Though gurochan should be called poopchan, since most of the fiction on there deals with that in lovingly vivid detail.

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Teeth clenched and a loud hissing sound escaped through the cracks as she exhaled deeply and arched her back, both in an attempt for her sensitive nubs to go out of the pincher's reach and in response to a sickening pleasure that almost immediately began to flood through herself. The pinchers held tight, and if anything seemed to grind into her nipples harder as punishment, coaxing a groan from plush pillow-like lips.

gaijinguy: So the pincher bugs are pinching her nipples (never mind how they learned how to do that) and she's getting off on it, as opposed to losing her fucking mind or, I dunno, trying to fight back? Right, porn logic.

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Everything seemed to happen so fast, Lara didn't even have a moment to wonder what the creatures were doing, toying with her body in such a manner. The vines upon her ankles began to tighten, and a quick game of tug and war began as the raider struggled to keep them shut, her wounded leg making the match one sided as they finally sprawled open with a sudden jerking motion. Croft was already wet with arousal, her body being played expertly like a musical instrument, no matter which way she twisted and turned the pinchers were there, never letting go of their prize. Another scream threatened to break forth from her lips as the cross of pleasure and pain, though her ceased halfway when she spied the 'ruby' hovering before her face. In truth it had been a bud connected to a very lengthy tendril of a vine, not a gem at all. She had fell victim to the most ingenious and strange type of trap.

gaijinguy: You just figured this out? They say the camera adds ten pounds, but this one subtracts one hundred IQ points.

Malganis: Of course, gaijin. Because women in badpr0n are dumb!

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The bulbous 'ruby' thrust forward the instant young Croft opened her lips to scream, instead only muffled sounds greeted the world

Malganis: The muffled sounds greeted the world, were surprised at the cold non-welcome, and spiraled quickly into bitter bouts of alcoholism down at the local bar, cursing their cruel fate of debuting in a bad bug-rape Tomb Raider fanfic.

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as the appendage lodged itself firmly into her oral cavity, anchoring itself comfortable within.

gaijinguy: "Appendage of what," he asked, tempting cruel, cruel fate.

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Almost instantly a sweet nectar type of nutrients spilled forth in healthy spurts, so much being presented at once Lara had no choice but to swallow lest she drown in a sea of liquid lust.

Malganis: How can she automatically tell it's full of nutrients?

Also, pump this shit by the gallon and market as an energy drink! It's all natural, nutritious, delicious, what more do you want?

gaijinguy: This fanbrat has a future in romance novels, I fear.

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Several pinches began to rain down upon her body, nothing that damaged her pretty youthful skin,

Malganis: Oh. Well. We wouldn't want that, now would we?

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but firmly enough to where it caused her to make gurgling noises from around the vine's girth and caused her muscles to flex as she tried to break free. It appeared the creatures enjoyed tormenting their captives by the mere vibrations they made. The pinches fell in unknown patterns, sometimes upon the swell of her rear, others over the fleshy undersides of her breasts, and yet her body responded with the aid of the alluring and intoxicating feed that was spilling warmly into her stomach.

Her own feminine sexual juices began to flow heavily, creating a mini waterfall

gaijinguy: Get that checked. NOW. Real people do not produce body fluids by the gallon, as much as furry porn will try to convince you otherwise.

Malganis: Mini-waterfalls? Yeah, I see those in offices and lobbies as decorations all the time.

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as the pooling puddle of the sticky mess cascaded down each step to the one below it. The vines sensed something had changed within its prey as pulled her legs wider apart and pulled them upward toward the swells of her breast as a result, fully displaying her womanhood to the small army of bugs surrounding her. A crimson hued blush flushed her skin, both at the prospect of being displayed so to mere lesser animals

Malganis: Yeah, the bugs were totes snappin' pics of her cooter with their iPhones and uploading that shit to the Internet, yo.

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and for the cool air that brushed along her most sensitive of parts. The circle surrounding her seemed to pair, as thudding once more was heard. This time, however the noise was deeper and louder than before, as if it carried a heavier creature.

Malganis: Sound carries stuff?

gaijinguy: Fight! DO SOMETHING! I know villains are active and heroes are reactive, but that still requires a reaction on your part. Don't just lie there.

Malganis: Dude, you're forgetting what we're reading.

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A larger insect did crawl into view; it was an impressive four feet in length and for a brief moment Lara found she was admiring the creature. It's tail curled back as if it were a scorpion's stinger, and the sight that greeted her filled her with utter dread once again. Instead of the familiar sight of pinchers greeting her vision what appeared to be a male phallic was attached to the tail end of the being.

Malganis: Oh, it's just got a Bad Dragon dildo, is all.

... On the other hand, given the size of those things, be afraid. Be very afraid.

gaijinguy: I've run into those. They squeak "fursecution!" when you spray Raid on them, and now the EPA's involved. . .

Malganis: What, male 'phallics'? I wasn't aware that peens normally talked...

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It was human enough in shape though was different in numerous ways. The textured surface appeared covered in an array of bumps in which to further stimulate its prey,

gaijinguy: Wrrrrrrryyyyyy?

Malganis: Yup, totes a Bad Dragon dildo.

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and its length was incredible was well, around a fourth of its body length.

gaijinguy: A foot long. Ow, my nonexistent vagina, OW!

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As it settled up between her helplessly spread and vulnerable body registration settled onto her face as to why the traps had only been designed to wound, apparently these creatures wanted human bodies alive…if not to eat them then…why?

Malganis: Uhmm, Lara. Peen. Peen is calling from the upstairs phone.

gaijinguy: Aaaand all genre savviness has left the building. Otherwise, she would've realized that she was in a porno and tried to get off as quick as possible in order to end it.

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Experimentally the rough textured length of the insect prodding and poked at the captive's drenched silken treasure,

Malganis: Silk worms up the vagoo, again, huh?

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ensuring that she was unable to escape or aid herself in any way. When it was sure it was safe from the larger creature its tail curled back and swayed with serpentine movements, like a cobra ready to strike at a moment's notice.

Lara's mind raced, how could she a once proud raider of tombs be reduced to a mere insect's plaything. Deadly traps she could handle, but this?

Malganis: Yeah, bad gurochan porn's obsession with poop will try the bravest of hearts (and stomachs).

gaijinguy: Take THAT, ass-kicking woman! Maybe this was written by Stephanie Meyer or the author of Gor in a darker moment.

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It all seemed too wild for her to fully belief that in this temple of life something so wicked could exist.

Malganis: Lara Croft was totally like, no way!

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Then once more understanding registered upon her face, fully knowing what 'life' had meant as wide eyed she stared at the shafted end of the creature. Muffled screams of "No!" were silenced behind her makeshift gag, not wishing to be the vessel that these creatures used to create new life and reproduce.

gaijinguy: This makes sense, given bug reproduction. Larvae eating their way out of your body, anyone? Makes the Aliens look nice by comparison.

Malganis: This is not that sort of gurochan story, gaijin.

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Even the vine between her plush lips didn't fully silence the screams of torment that soon followed as the shaft struck forward like a stinger and impaled its lengthy deeply into its victim.

gaijinguy: *Snaps his fingers.* Damn- you know, I just realized: this is a horror story dressed up as a porn. It would actually work as horror, if you deleted every single word and replaced them all with ones not taken from the porn lexicon.

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The girth of the intruder spread and stretched Lara's inner walls to accommodate its massive tool embedded inside her most holy area. It wasted no time in doing its job as it began to fully slide in and out of her depths without the slightest hint of gentleness that caused her hips to jerk and thrash around as a result from the force in which they were pounded into. With an audible gasp the vine filling her stomach full of nutrients withdrew, a coughing fit following suit as Croft took in massive amounts of air into her burning lungs for she had hardly been able to breath before. She stared down with a cloudy expression over her face, shame combating fiercely with pleasure as she was mated,

Malganis: Wait, I thought she wasn't enjoying this?

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and pathetic grunts of exertion sounded forth at the sight that greeted her. Her midsection had swollen slightly from the amount of fluid she had swallowed plenty of food within her for the brood that would soon be implanted within.

gaijinguy: Blah blah blah, fuck fuck fuck. Mal, can you make something out of this? It's just too goddamn bland to say anything about.

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She was unable to pull her eyes from the sight, where her and the hellish creature were joined in unison.

gaijinguy: They had a tight harmony that the Andrews Sisters would envy.

Malganis: Fun hit of the summer.

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Each thrust came harder and faster than the one before it, and soon the mutated appendage appeared nothing less than a blur, frantically trying to coax the seed from where ever it was stored on so disgusting a creation. Suddenly her body flexed, every muscle in her body seeming to clench at the same time in spasms ample muscle outlining her alluring form as copious amounts of creamy silken nectar spilled forth wetly splattering against the stone steps below.

Malganis: ...This being her ejaculate, BTW...

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This massive explosion of release did little to ease the burning desire within her for the creature didn't grant a moment's rest, save for now slick wet noises echoed throughout the small chamber around them. Slurping sounds emitted each time the member pulled free, which was now covered heavily in Lara's cum, tight inner muscles gripping greedily onto its prize not wishing to let it go despite what objections the human female made. Squishing sounds followed the slurping sound each time it forced its way into her body coaxing forth a mewl and coo of delight, making her eyes cloud over as if she were to go insane from the overload of sensual delights.

gaijinguy: There's only so many ways to say, "what the fuck is this shit," aren't there. This. . . thing, event, whatever you call it bears no resemblance to the wallpaper-thin Tomb Raider characterization or, for that matter, anything erotic. Given that it's bugs involved, this would probably be fan disservice for furries. YOU FAILED FURRY PORN. FURTHER FAILURE IS NEITHER ADVISABLE NOR POSSIBLE.

Malganis: ... gaijin, have you read very much poop-porn? Because I have. I have.

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At such a state of physical arousal now Lara hardly felt the pinchers still working over her nipples, by now another half a dozen insects had joined in and offered soft tweaks over the flesh of her breasts. The rod frantically began to pulse and throb, a sure sign that its seed was about to erupt forth. "No…please…I-I…Nooooo!"

Malganis: Oh, come on. You got to finish first, Lara!

gaijinguy: Yes, talk the raep bug. Maybe it will understand your feelings and back off.

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Pleaded for all she was worth,

gaijinguy: Subject comes first. In fact, it comes, period.

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despite her rapists having no rational thought within them save for the basic primal drives of life.

Malganis: ... but they're still smarter than Lara Croft, amirite?

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The tapered end of the pincher bug's reproductive organ grinding firmly against the human's cervix and with a mind numbing unnatural thrust

Malganis: "Unnatural"? You got that right!

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it forced its way straight into her womb, the chamber of life itself, and then let relaxed and quite resisting to drive off its own orgasm.

Malganis: What, the bug is doing sex techniques for premature-ejaculation? Did he read them in a sex-ed manual lying around in that dusty tomb somewhere?

gaijinguy: OH GOD NOW MY UTERUS IS BLEEDING AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE ONE[/b]

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The insect twitched and shook, or at least movements that looked quite similar, and began to pump its tainted seed deep into the genetically perfect prisoner it had acquired.

gaijinguy: HEIL! Though the author just sacrificed their iota of scientific credibility by, ya know, breeding a bug with a human.

Malganis: And then it said, "Oh yeaaah, baby, was that as good for you as it was for me? Someone get me a cigarette," and then rolled over and went to sleep, snoring loudly and stealing Lara's share of the bedcovers.

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The seed that spilled forth was nearly icy cold, not at all searing warm as it was with her own species.

Malganis: Running semen on tap has only two temperature knobs: Hot, and Cold.

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It seemed somewhat fitting in a sense for it was how she felt all over, cold with hopelessness. Nevertheless it felt wonderful as it drained into her body, chilling her to the body making her jerk involuntarily in instinctual movement, far too exhausted to do much else. Every swell of liquid could be felt traveling up the length before being deposited directly into her center. There was an impossible amount of the stuff, filling the captive well passed her limits, though not a single dropped escaped, only her stomach swelled as she was filled like the vessel she was.

gaijinguy: I feel obliged to back up and say how fucking bad this is once again. She's getting off on being drugged and rape by some Lovecraftian nightmare bug. Why use Tomb Raider for this? It doesn't make any sense in-universe, and it's spoiling my memories of the movies.

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Her vision blurred, emotionally and physically exhausted.

gaijinguy: From WHAT?

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Too many feeling continued to wash over her, the icy chill from within, the burning of sore muscles, the continuing series of pinches that still followed. The last sight she saw before she fell into unconsciousness was the king pincher pulling free. Strands of their intermixed sexual juices still connecting cock to pussy in a net like display before they bent down under their own weight and fell free. The breeder no longer seemed interested in the mass of captive flesh and scuttled off leaving a trail of mixed sticky mess where its scuttled, and left the younger insects behind to experiment prodding and pinching the unconscious girl.

gaijinguy: Why are they not eating her?

I'd like to go off on a tangent about how utterly stupid this is. All the traps she ran into were still set, meaning that nobody had set them off in all the time it would take for the temple to get overgrown. In other words, this system has evolved a mechanism to trap very stupid treasure hunters, and has failed for a very long period of time. Yet the bugs are still here. How stupid IS this author?

Malganis: .... Very.

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A groan sounded throughout the chamber, save for the restraining vines still clinging to wrists and ankles the area was deserted. She felt so full and had no idea why until she noticed how swollen her stomach had become, the size of a nine-month pregnant woman, which contrasted heavily with the rest of her body which was still quite toned and lean.

gaijinguy: Ooh, that's gonna leave some stretch marks.

Malganis: Yeah. Also, that mental image the fic paints of her body would look pretty damn ugly in real life, I'd think.

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Silently Lara wondered how long she had slept if she was already so far along in producing off spring. Had it merely been a lengthy amount of time or was the gestation period of these insects just rather short? She didn't know which, but after having had an uneventful time to rest she had regained quite a bit of her strength, and more or less would have been able to struggle free had her belly not been weighing her down so.

gaijinguy: What are these things made of, plutonium? A woman who can carry an infinity of bullets should be able to stand up while pregnant.

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Each movement that was beyond a gentle sway caused discomfort. Once more she began to openly weep, she felt so helpless and vulnerable with a hint of guilt for allowing such an event to happen.

Malganis: Women who are pregnant with bugs can't do jack SHIT.

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The next couple of days fell into routine, if one could call laying about upon steps all day a routine. Three times daily the lengthy vine tipped with the gem-like protrusion would force its way passed stubborn lips and spill its sweet nourishing liquid down into her stomach. At some point, which she couldn't remember, she had merely ceased struggling, even if she had managed to succeed in such a task then what?

gaijinguy: That's the Lara Croft we know and love: giving up when the going gets rough! After all, when the Armor or Horus failed, all she did was mope and OH WAIT NO.

Game logic dictates that she should have something in her backpack to help out here. Like a gun.

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Starve to death? Cramps afflicted her from time to time, causing teeth to be bared and wrists to flex against the stubborn restraints. The swells of her breasts seemed to have swollen along with her midsection, becoming more sensitive to the touch, and thick creamy drops of whitish liquid pooled atop her sore nipples, made crimson by how they had been abused but days before at the at the ministrations of those pinchers.

Upon the third day of having awoken from her raped mating she began to experience tight contracts that shot up through her body like pained lightning. Even on the first day she had been restrained she hadn't struggled so harshly, threatening to rip her arms from their sockets as she arched nearly completely off the surface of the stairs climbing the dais. Only her head and the tips of her toes upon the ground as she arched like a bow.

gaijinguy: So she does have a range of motion.

. . . God, why am I even trying anymore? Mal, I hope you can do something funnier than this, because even the porno logic has broken down.

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Fortunately for Lara the sensation had only lasted a few moments, for whatever off spring she was pushing forth into the world was considerably smaller than a human child. Time slowed to a crawl as she gave birth to numerous amounts of creatures, for everyone that was released there seemed to be another that followed after. These had been even smaller than the infants she had met within the corridor where the dart had numbed her leg, for these were around five inches. Instinctively the pincher brood crawled across her flesh, causing goose bumps to cover her flesh as countless legs massaged over her as a result.

Gnashing maws enclosed around milk engorged nipple, the newborn already an expert at how to easily coax forth and drain her breast in a hurry.

gaijinguy: So they drink her milk, like mammals, as opposed her blood, like bugs. What in the name of all that is holy is going on here? No points for answering "fetishism, gai, fetishism and lots of it."

Malganis: ... Failed General Biology? That's all I have.

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In a certain sickening way it was quite pleasurable to feed the things, that and once more she was too exhausted from having released a dozen of them free from within to do more than whimper as even the youngest of this species took what it needed of her willing self. For what seemed an eternity they feasted upon the most delectable substance they knew,

gaijinguy: Zwieback?

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odd chirping sounds clicking forth in what was guessed to be some type of communication.

There she lay for a couple more weeks, the off spring never straying too far from her restrained form for they always seemed hungry and enjoyed the prospect of willingly taking what they needed. Though to Lara's delight soon they seemed large enough to venture off on their own and leave her be, for she half expected to be set free after such had occurred having served her purpose, even if she did feel somewhat less worthwhile as a result.

Malganis: Yeah, being raped, impregnated by, and then giving birth to a litter of bugs is tough on the ol' self-esteem.

gaijinguy: Okay. Brain-breaking horror should be showing up aaaaannny minute now. . . aaaaaaaannnnnyyyy minute. . . *holds breath*

*passes out*

Damnit.

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A couple days of nothingness set in save for the occasional feeding from the vines and her stomach once more regaining its washboard like appearance.

gaijinguy: Lying on your ass for weeks on end: the Hollywood core workout!

Malganis: That's some workout!

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As quickly as her hopes had risen then came crashing down once more as she viewed one simple sight. Once more the king pincher came into view, purposely scuttled her way knowing fully well what to expect of its newest breeding vessel, apparently she was a permanent addition. Useless struggles ensued, though the insects didn't take any heed to them now, seeming to know she was unable to freely break free an cause them any harm. Her thoughts examining all that had occurred recently, guessing that this temple had been built by religious fanatics for just such a purpose, for some reason or another…not that it mattered, hence the temple of life…for that is what she had given these creatures. Her shrilling shrieks could hardly be heard from outside the ancient ruins as once more the captive was taken. Lara Croft, tomb raider, had come to do just that…though the treasure she and others had sought were womb raiders, for they had done just that as well.

gaijinguy: *Headdesks*

Okay, children, what did we learn? Something about tolerance?

If yes, then you are a sick fuck and should be sterilized and sectioned as soon as possible. Some fics are entertainingly bad, but this one was just unrelentingly bad: poor grammar, nonsensical plot, and so many skin-crawlingly-awful fetishes that it burned out my ability even to be cruel. Mal? Care to deliver the coup de grace?

Malganis: ... This fic is bad and it should feel bad? That's all I've got!

*Malganis draws the curtain closed on the Male Pregnancy Theater set*

Malganis:Goodnight, folks! Don't let the raep bugs bite!

Heehee, this was just like that awful Spock fic, only with pron and, well, Lara.

Excellent spork, sir, lady! I will never look at bugs the same way again.

Nice sprorking 2nded.

Funny thing is, the concept of giving birth to live insects is chilling and, handled well, could have made a good fiction, so it's a shame to see the idea laid waste like this. I also wonder whether the author will forget his password in time, and then find this fic again in a few years and curl his toes with embarrassment as he reads it through again.

Do you think anyone actually has sexual fantasies in purple prose, or is it just an attempt at making porn sound artistic?

This snark is excellant, as expected by its pedigree.

This is like The Eye of Argon: the Porn Version.

I disagree. This is a straight-up horror story; it only looks like atrocious porn. We all know that no one could possible get off to something this horrendous.

...

...

Leave me alone; I can hope!

I have nothing to add, save the repeated comment that this is a great and worthwhile effort. Well done, you chaps.

This sounds like a lite-version of a PJ fic. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

The kenning abuse alone should be enough cause to revoke this person's artistic license.

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Not wishing to meet up with another wandering group of the creatures she let out a groan of protest as she rose to her feet,

Oh, like that's going to keep those rabid fanboys away. Yes Lara, GROAN FOR ME!! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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A swipe of her agile tongue wetted dry tiers as she leaned forward for a closer look,

I AM YOUR MASTER, LARA!! LICK THE TIERS!! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

That rape scene had more cliches than you could shake a stick at. I'm not touching that crap pile.