And Dream of Kittens, Please by Malganis, Guest-Snark by Dethklok

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What do you do when your toddler just won't go to sleep? Well, what would Nathan Explosion do?

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They spoke in hushed, almost reverent-sounding whispers, their voices low and breathy and slightly giggly, like young lovers.

"How do you know it's a girl?"

"Just do." He lightly rested his ear against the warm, hard bulge of her belly. "Yeah, it's a girl."

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"Hhhm." She yawned and fondled the locks of his hair that draped down across her breasts. "So certain, then? What would you name her?"

"Dunno. 'Natey-girl', maybe. That's a good name." He looked up at her and grinned. "I'll call her that."

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He felt her stiffen against him. "Speaking of children...." She was trying to keep her voice light, but he could hear the tiredness in it.

He turned and looked around, and saw what he was dreading yet expecting to see. Nate-boy, in pajamas, clutching his favorite stuffed dinosaur, staring at them with one thumb in his mouth.

"Nate-boy!" He huffed in frustration. Fourth time tonight the kid's done that. "Didn't I just put you to bed an hour ago? Haven't you slept?"

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"Yeah, yeah." He got up and strode over to Nate-boy, and picked the kid up. "Come on, up to bed with ya." He carried the limp and unresisting toddler up the stairs, to the boy's bedroom.

Shifting Nate-boy to the crook of one arm, he flipped on the light. The room was decorated for a little boy and festooned with stuffed toys -- mainly of brutal animals like lions, alligators, and flesh-eating dinosaurs. Nathan did take some pride in the fact that his first-born son was into brutal things; hell, the kid's favorite movie was Terminator 2. You couldn't go wrong with a son who liked that... although it was frustrating that Nate-boy kept clambering out of his new bed at night. Should pop him back in his crib just because it had bars on it, he thought. Next stop is the county jail for you, buster. At least then you'd stay put.

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Sighing, Nathan reached up to the light-switch and turned off the room's lights. He squinted in the gloom and studied his son. Maddeningly wide-eyed, Nate-boy stared right back up at him, grey eyes huge and innocent. The kid was even smiling ever-so-slightly, and the audacious temerity of it all would have irked Nathan to no end if Nate-boy's sheer adorableness hadn't first melted his heart like a pack of Fudgesicles left on a hot frying pan.

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"How about a song? Daddy used to sing, y'know. Long before you came along."

The boy's eyes brightened, and he grinned. It was one of those old familiar "You can't beat me, Dad" looks. Nate-boy didn't speak, but he could be very expressive when he wanted to be, and Nathan was usually pretty good at reading those expressions. He resisted the urge to sigh and shake his head, and instead wondered if he himself had been this much of a confidently arrogant little brat as a kid.

"Okay. Um." He tried to think of a lullaby that would be suitable for a three-year-old. Hmm, sleep, go to sleep, and dream... of.... Yes! He remembered a dark, fog-shrouded lake, a huge crimson troll as tall as a skyscraper, a rickety boat that rattled with the sounds of acoustic instruments....

Oh, that was perfect. Just perfect. Nate-boy, he thought triumphantly, you don't know what you just got yourself in for....

And so he began to sing. Very softly, very slowly, very soothingly.

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"Are you getting sleepy?
Tranquilized by the tune?"

Nate-boy blinked once. His mouth pursed itself into a little moue, indicating that he realized his father was trying to pull some sort of trick on him to make him go to sleep, and didn't much like it. Nathan plowed on, regardless. This kid was going to sleep, so help him Sabbath.

"Little trolls must go to sleep
And dream of kittens, please..."

Nate-boy grunted softly, blinked once, then twice. They were long blinks. He twitched, as if trying to shake himself awake. Nathan allowed himself a rather smug grin. You're not beatin' me that easily, kid.

His fingers wandered gently through Nate-boy's hair as he sang,

"Now it's time to go to sleep...
Count your little baby sheep..."

Nate-boy yawned, whimpered as he realized he was losing the battle, and then hiccuped once, softly. His head began to loll gently to the side on his pillow. His eyes fluttered closed and then stayed closed.

Nathan grinned. Finally, the kid ran outta steam. Finally!

He mercilessly applied the coup de grace:

"Oh, your eyes are heavy, 'cause it's night..."

And then he realized that he didn't know how the song ended.

Nathan began to panic as his son's eyelids twitched and his little body shifted under the covers. Any second now, the kid would be back up and clambering out of bed again....

The muse of metal, if such a being existed, took pity on Nathan Explosion and gifted him with a burst of late-night inspiration. Very softly, he sang,

"Goodnight, my little boy; sleep tight."

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Finally, Nathan whispered, in a rather miserable tone, "Now I can't go to sleep. I keep imaginin' he'll be back. Right back here." He blinked up at Angelique in a beseeching fashion.

She sighed, rolled onto her back and stared up at the dark ceiling. Then she looked at him. "You know something? You're right. I feel the same way."

A pause. They exchanged worried looks. "What do we do?"

"A duet." She kissed his brow, took one of his hands and placed it on her round stomach. "This one goes out to you, me, and your daughter... because now she's starting to kick just a little. Count of four; one, two, three, four."

They stared into each other's eyes and both began to sing in harmony; very softly, very slowly, very soothingly,

"Are you getting sleepy?
Tranquilized by the tune?"
"Little trolls must go to sleep
And dream of kittens, please...."

They yawned through the next verses as their eyelids began to feel mysteriously heavy.

And then, finally, everyone fell asleep.

Oh my God, Mafi. It was worth it to make this topic and find all those images and dick around with all that code just to receive your post.

Narwhal, I appreciate you on levels you cannot possibly understand. And as a new Metalocalypse comes on behind me, I smile contentedly.

Narwhal, that was AWESOME. :D

I honestly can't express how awesome you are, or how awesome that post was, Whally. You are a shining light of lulz in a sea of fail. Ben Roethlisberger dreams of being as awesome as you.

I have to ask, though, how does Mally play into this?

Also, if any of the rest of you read the entire thing the the band members' voices, you have to post in this thread.

Malganis wrote the story, Mikey.

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

I have to ask, though, how does Mally play into this?

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Oh, I'm sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of all that blood guzzling out of your giant vagina. That's how you know the baby is a girl. Your vagina can sense when other vaginas are near. You know, 'cause that's what girls have. Vaginas.

ahahahahahahahaha oh god it's much better when you hear the snark in their voices.

Oh man, I wasn't reading closely enough and assumed 'til the end that it was MPreg. Try reading it like that, it makes it even better.

Delcat wrote:

Oh man, I wasn't reading closely enough and assumed 'til the end that it was MPreg. Try reading it like that, it makes it even better.

Dethklok can only reproduce man-on-man. Having women in your bloodline is just not metal. Their truly metal ancestry went sort of like this:

Spoiler:

Spoilered for NWS.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Dethklok can only reproduce man-on-man.

That would be what the constant threads on /y/ suggest, yeah D:

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Spoiler:

oh my God Reep what. sauce nao.

Delcat wrote:

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Dethklok can only reproduce man-on-man.

That would be what the constant threads on /y/ suggest, yeah D:

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Spoiler:

oh my God Reep what. sauce nao.

Warning: Hella dirty but funny.

Yeah, what Mafi said. I knew the instant I saw that particular comic it needed to be posted to WGW on some pretext or another >.<

...why is it always the webcomics I'd happily spend all day catching up on that end up having tiny archives?

That was awesome, guys, thank you.