NOTE: This snark is an entry for the Anonymous Snark Challenge, issued by myself about a month ago. The writer of this snark will remain anonymous until I close the poll which can be found here, and then I will reveal the writer of it so he/she can take credit!
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Snark for Lara's Underground
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]Ladies and Gentlemen! I bring to you the short, yet pointless, snarking of a short, yet pointless, story. Pointless repetition, you say? Well, check out the summary:
- Quote :
- Lara Croft is found in a most degrading position, she, of course, is utterly degraded.
No, she didn't win a Simon Cowell contest. As you might imagine from it being an AFF summary - that is, once which does not involve Harry, Draco, and a tub of maple syrup - Lara has been abused in a sexual manner.
- Quote :
- Lara Croft lay among trash cans and garbage in a shabby back alley in the outskirts of London, unconscious or maybe just asleep.
Then again - from the first line she might just have been out binge drinking with Prince Harry.
- Quote :
- She was literally covered in ageing sperm from head to toe.
Or Boris Johnson.
- Quote :
- Her brown shorts and top was in a bundle next to her
The Obsessively Neat rapist strikes again. As his crimes grew worse he began cutting open prostutes and re-arranging organs in alphabetical order.
- Quote :
- Her nipples were pierced with big metal rings, and her nose likewise.
Lara Croft: The Grunge Years. Maybe she wanted a more magnetic personality?
- Quote :
- Two of the city's less fortunate came walking in to this alley for a look in the garbage and perhaps to sit down and have a drink
Journalists for the Daily Star?
- Quote :
- One was remarkably older than the other with a white beard and a hat, the other appeared to be in his early thirties, with black hair and a woollen hat
This sort of obsession with headgear is something this snarker has witnessed only on Team Fortress 2 forums. It's a rape/humil fic, and the author takes time out to detail the natty woollen head covering!
- Quote :
- They were remarkably dirty, and between them smelled so bad they could make a full bus empty in minutes.
Sounds like me on the Hammersmith night bus...
- Quote :
- «Vladimir», said the younger one
"Where the fuck is Godot?"
- Quote :
- Vladimir muttered a response that sounded vaguely positive,
"At the AIDS clinic."
- Quote :
- As Vladimir spotted Lara's unconscious body his jaw opened gradually in pure awe,
Insert cartoon creaking door sound effect here.
"Maybe she's just asleep."
- Quote :
- Lara had been through the last days.
Coming Soon: Tomb Raider vs The Four Horsemen (No, wrasslin fans, not Flair etc)
- Quote :
- Vladimir wiped some of the cum off Lara's body with an old newspaper
"Told you The Daily Mail would be good for something!"
- Quote :
- «Bollocks», said Vladimir «no one'll come walkin' in here. And both you and I need the money, in return we'll give this little tart here what she obviously wants. End of discussion!»
Vladimir is possibly the most cockney Vlad since Putin did that guest spot in Only Fools And Horses as the KGB agent selling Del Boy 300 slightly used Bulgarian umbrellas.
- Quote :
- Jack still wasn't reassured, but on the other hand he really didn't have much sex these days.
It's AFF! If Vlad hasn't knocked him up with an ass baby, there's gotta be something wrong somewhere.
- Quote :
- Vladimir pulled down his zipper and brought out a cock of about twelve inches,
"That's not a cock, it's a foot!" (Joke Copyright to Juvenal)
- Quote :
- they didn't call me Vlad the Impaler down at the brothels in the good old days for nothing kid
Thus the author cruelly removes from me the chance to make a Vlad the Impaler joke. Being brothels they probably called him it for an extra five spot.
- Quote :
- Neither of the men noticed, but at the sound of the zipper Lara had started to move the fingers in her pussy slowly back and forth
Less well known than the Pavlovian reaction is the RonJeremian reaction.
- Quote :
- His dick was covered in a white crust.
This fic sponsored by Ginsters Sausage Rolls.
- Quote :
- She gagged and awoke, she stared right into an extremely hairy and smelly ass and was choking on a monster cock
Extract from Monica Lewinsky's testimony. Hey, it's only 15 years Monica gags are still fresh!
- Quote :
- Lara's response was to open her mouth and put out her tongue so it touched the filthy ground. She gave a few barks «arrff, arrff, woof», and started to finger her pussy passionately as she growled into the ground
Suddenly all becomes clear - she's a furry!
- Quote :
- Even Vladimir was beginning to find this strange.
"Fucking Furries!"
...and then they come and go. With no mention of michelangelo.
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