Male Pregnancy Theater, Episode 2: "Make Womb for Vijay". NWS

*Cue soothing music. Gaijinguy is sitting in the same library as before, only with his collar flipped up in a failed attempt to hide the neck brace. The whiskey glass now has an electric blue crazy straw in it.*

gaijinguy: Hello, and welcome to tonight's episode of "Male Pregnancy Theatre." I'd like to apologize for the tardiness, I was in the hospital. Would've stayed there longer, except MPT has me under contract, and by contract, I mean gunpoint. Tonight's story is called . . . oh God. . . "Make Womb for Vijay." *Drains the whiskey glass* At least this one doesn't give us any false hope.

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Disclaimer:
This story contains graphic descriptions of gay sex, male pregnancy and birth. It's unquestionably weird. If that offends you, please don't read it. Likewise, do not read or save it if you are under 18, or if by doing so you would be committing any sort of crime.

gaijin: Can it be a crime? Please? It would make the internet a better place.

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by Greyson Moore.

gaijin: Oh, Jesus, not you again.

Malganis: *through bullhorn* Mr. MOORE, THIS IS THE INTERNET POLICE. YOU ARE SURROUNDED. STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER AND TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF THE KEYBOARD... OR, OUT OF YOUR PANTS.

COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DELETE FUCKIN' EVERYTHING; YOUR BAWWWING MAY BE HELD AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW. AN INTERNET LAWYER WILL BE PROVIDED TO YOU...

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In order to divert my mind from the contractions that are racking my body, I decided to think about how all of this came about.

gaijin: So we're starting with the birth, and retelling the whole story as a flashback. That's, um, different.

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It began with my fall semester at an American university where I had enrolled to get my Masters degree in biology. I remember how proud my parents were when I was accepted, although they disliked the fact that I would be leaving India. "Remember your heritage and behave," said my Mother, as I was about to board the plane. "Remember what happened to Mayank,"

Malganis: ...He ran away from home and ended up starring in Mpreg fanfiction?

gaijin: Stock ethnic stereotypes meet Freudian slips, now at Greyson Moore's.

. . . kill me now.

Malganis: Meh, I need you for the sporking.

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she said with alarm. I was surprised when she said his name. Mayank was my cousin who went to the United States and married some women there instead of marrying the women he was arranged to marry. From then on no one in the family spoke of him.

gaijin: Except when they do, as a cautionary tale. I know you're typing with one hand, but could you at least remember what you wrote three sentences ago?

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I groan as another contraction racks my body. I know the time will soon arrive. I will concentrate harder on how I got this way.

gaijin: Go go ex-pos-it-ion!
Go go ex-pos-it-ion!
You stupid clunky ex-pos-it-ionnnnnnn!!!!

Malganis: *encourages a random giant Power Rangers monster to stomp on the fic's author*

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My adviser was a Dr. Kothari, who was also from India. From the moment I met her, Dr. Kothari seemed to take a keen interest in me. Her interest in me made me feel very uncomfortable, as I felt like she was viewed me as some sort of specimen.

gaijin: Well, the author is to be commended, I guess. It's not so often that infodumping so closely resembles taking an actual dump.

Malganis: Don't forget to flush, Greyson.

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I guess that was because she asked a lot of pointed questions about my family and my health.

gaijin: Um. . . hey. Vijay. "Doctor?" It's kinda what they do.

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It was about October, when I started feeling homesick. I guess it was the early and thick snow that blanketed the campus that made me feel that way. When I told Dr. Kothari this, I was surprised at her reaction. Instead of the lecture I expected to receive for being foolish, she was very concerned.

gaijin: So you tell your advisor something that you think is going to earn you a lecture for. . . what reason, exactly? Jesus. The tiny bit of characterization there is here is screaming in agony.

Malganis: *hefts loaded rifle* Well, you know what they had to do in Old Yeller...

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"We must do something about this," she said. "And I have just the thing that will help you," she said with enthusiasm. She opened a drawer and pulled out a clear pill bottle. In the bottle was a very large bullet shaped pill, which I recognised at once as a suppository. "This will make you feel much better," she said. "How," I asked?

gaijin: You recognized it as a suppository-

Oh, Christ, never mind. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that "Vijay" is just "Joe Kim" with a palette swap. Same drooling retardation over everything to send the excuse plot lurching forward, zombie-like, to reach whatever horrific climax it comes to.

Now I'm thinking about zombie orgasms. Somehow, it's still not as disturbing as this story.

Malganis: ... No, no it is not.

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"Did not your parents teach you not to question your elders?"
"You are like the others of our people that come here," she said. "You forget your heritage." That had its intended effect and once I was back in my room I inserted the suppository.

gaijin: You know what, "Greyson Moore," why not just stick her behind the counter of a 7-Eleven and be done with it.

Malganis: "Thank you, please cum again." /Apu voice

gaijin: Also, figure out how to do paragraph breaks. They help!

Continued in Part Two...

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The next morning I was relieved to find that I did feel better. In fact I felt a little giddy, but that was short lived. In a couple of weeks I started feeling nauseous in the morning. I talked to Dr. Kothari about this, but she explained it away. She said, "when you are asleep your mind has time to think about home and that makes you sad." She then suggested that I get more exercise

gaijin: I've got a bad feeling about this.

Malganis: Fellow nerds, insert other Star Wars references here.

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to tire me out so that I would sleep more soundly. I joined the volleyball team and it was that that I blamed for my ravenous appetite and tiring so easily over the next few months. I also blamed my puffy, itchy, and tingly nipples on the shirts we had to wear. However, I did like the way the A-shirts showed of my growing pectorals.

gaijin: Bad feeling confirmed. It's like we're running down a Greyson Moore checklist: male pregnancy, ethnic stereotypes, working out, and man-boobs. Really, this is just "The Joe Luck Club" rebranded- it's like "Greyson Moore" is actually a program written to churn out rote mpreg stories.

Actually, now that I think of it, that explains a lot.

Malganis: Maybe it's an evil sentient supercomputer, like in Star Trek: The Original Series.

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My chest had been relatively flat, but over the weeks of play, my pectorals became prominent. I also noticed that when I woke up in the morning, especially after a strenuous match, my nipples were covered with a crust.

gaijin: There are a lot of sexy words in the English language. "Crust" is not one of them. I don't know what kind of biology you're learning, but in most species, bits of your body developing a "crust" is a bad sign.

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However, I was willing to accept crusty nipples

gaijin: Crusty nipples?

CRUSTY NIPPLES?

*Slurping noise as the whiskey glass is drained.* That does it, Greyson Moore. You fail pornography forever. I realize that this isn't exactly my cup of tea, but there is no conceivable circumstance under which the phrase "crusty nipples" could be sexy. If there's anyone who does think it's sexy, then they deserve what's coming to them: death from vitamin D deficiency as they wither away in their basements. Jesus CHRIST. *Drains whiskey glass again.*

Also, I'm starting the official Greyson Moore drinking game right here and now: take a shot every time the word "nipples" is used.

Malganis: *hoists whiskey glass along with gaijin, grimly foreseeing a future of becoming incredibly drunk during sporkings* Also, "crusty nipples" are fucking gross.

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if the rest of my body bulked up like my chest had. However, I didn't know what to blame my frequent need to urinate on. But, I didn't want to go see a doctor about it either. I assumed it would pass.

gaijin: So you've become more active, find yourself needing to pee more, and you want to see a doctor about it. But you get "crusty nipples" \~/ and you think nothing of it. You ARE just Joe with a palette swap.

Malganis: Nah, I think Joe was quite a bit stupider. Vijay has at least TWO brain cells to rub together....

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About February, I noticed that I was starting to get a gut. I blamed it on all of the food that I had been eating. But it didn't seem to matter how much food I ate, my abdomen continued to grow. My friends started calling me "Buddha Belly." I also started to waddle a bit as I walked. Dave, one of my team-mates, asked if he could rub it for good luck.

gaijin: One of the guys being an asshole about another person's nickname. . . oh my God.

IT'S A REAL CHARACTER! RUN, DAVE, GET OUT OF THIS STORY WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

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I pulled up my shirt and he gave me a rub. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but the feeling I got when he rubbed my protruding belly was like nothing I had felt before. I was aroused by it.

gaijin: You're old enough to be working towards a masters' degree and you've never been aroused before? *Puts on stethoscope* I see we have another victim of Edward Cullen Syndrome. Not as advanced as some cases, but being stuck in mpreg story will do that to you.

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I felt the blood flowing into my penis, my nipples,

gaijin: \~/

Malganis: For the record, I have never felt blood specifically flowing into my nipples.

Also: \~/

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and unexpectedly into my anus. I laughed and pushed his hand away before I became noticeably aroused. Dave laughed in return at this reaction.

gaijin: I'm. . . I'm afraid it may be too late for Dave. I'm holding on to hope, but. . . not to much.

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That night, after I had finished taking a shower, I stopped to examine my naked body in the mirror. It was then I should have realised what had happened to me, but I didn't. My face, my nipples,

gaijin: \~/

Malganis: \~/

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my penis, and my testicles had all darkened in colour.

gaijin: Well, who or whatever wrote this fuck- errr- fic, they weren't American. Or programmed by Americans.

Malganis: I'm not sure where they come from. Maybe MPregistan? It's right next door to Fakeland.

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I could also make out a dark line running from navel down to my penis. My nipples

gaijin: \~/ For the record, I'm just copy-pasting that at this point.

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had become extremely prominent and I could see small veins on my pectorals. "You're getting way to fat," I said to myself as I examined the stretch marks on my stomach. I got on the scale and read my weight aloud.

gaijin: ...for the benefit of the audience.

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"165 pounds." "I can't believe that when I came here I was 135 pounds." "We're going to have to do something about you I said rubbing my gut."

gaijin: Vijay? You're all alone. I realize that you're narrating for the benefit of the audience, but if you're going to play with the fourth wall that way, why not do it right?

Malganis: He could simply be insane, gaijin. Consider that.

Continued in Part Three...

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The moment I rubbed it, I felt the blood flowing into my nipples,

gaijin: \~/

Incidentally, this guy's blood goes flowing at any goddamn thing. It's like being a teenager, only. . . sick and wrong.

Malganis: Anyone else notice that the now-oft-repeated phrase "My nipples, my penis, and my anus" has a certain beat to it? It's kind of... catchy. I half-way expect Vijay to be rapping this fic, or something.

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my penis, and my anus again. Since I was alone, I decided to go all of the way.

gaijin: To Russia, where I could put a mob hit on myself and get out of this story once and for all.

Malganis: *hefts rifle again* Hey, Vijay. Why spend your hard-earned money on something like that when I'd gladly do it for free?

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The more I rubbed, the more aroused I became. I looked at my self in an aroused state again in the mirror and I was surprised that I liked what I saw. My pectorals bulged out obscenely and so did my belly. My dark nipples were now pointing straight out at least an inch and were almost a half and inch around.

gaijin: An inch. It's official: we knew the author was, at best, a twelve-year-old virgin shut-in whose knowledge of male sexuality made Stephanie Meyer look like Dr. Ruth. At this point, though, my "Mpreg-writing-program" theory is looking better and better. All of the adjectives are wrong and the plot elements have just been picked off a list.

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My penis was as stiff and as hard as it had ever been. Its foreskin was completely retracted and a small drop of fluid was oozing out of the tip. I could feel a steady pulsing in my anus so I grabbed a hand mirror.

gaijin: So you get a raging hard-on and your first order of business is to. . . take a look at your ass. Something you're not telling us, Vijay? Possibly involving your childhood and paint chips?

Malganis: Something possibly involving his ass, I would think.

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I bent over and put the hand mirror behind my butt so that I could use it to reflect my anus into the mirror on the wall. I almost dropped the hand mirror when I used my other hand to part my buttcheeks. Nestled between my buttocks, was a very swollen, dark, and erect anus.

gaijin: "Erect anus."

How in the name of God is that possible?

Malganis: I'm imagining it kind of poking out and poking... up. You know. Like a dick.

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"Hemorrhoids," I muttered. But as I looked at more closely in the mirror, it didn't appear to be hemorrhoids.

gaijin: \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/ I know "nipples" wasn't used, I needed the the drinks. Vijay- making your "anus erect," whatever the hell that is, is probably not what hemorrhoids do.

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An extremely thick pelt of long, shiny, and curly black hair surrounded it. The hair appeared to be identical to my pubic hair.

gaijin: Say it with me: EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I realize I'm squealing like a ten-year-old girl, but this really, really calls for it.

I can see the future, now, and in it I see- the end of days. I wish. Then I could just find excuses to put off this sporking until then. No, I see the plot twist that his asshole has become a vagina, complete with beaver. Just the thought of trying to wipe your ass when you've got that going on is. . . oh God. . . \~/\~/\~/\~/\~/

Malganis: Two words: Anal. Cunt.

That is all.

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I lightly touched my flaring butt lips and was surprised at the feeling I received. It was fantastic.

gaijin: "Flaring butt lips." Do I need to keep going about the body horror transformations that this guy's asshole has undergone? First it's capable of being "erect," then it grows a bush, NOW it has lips. My "mpreg-writing program" theory just keeps getting stronger.

Malganis: M-m-m-m-mangina!

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I put down the mirror, got down on my knees, and began to massage my anus. I could not believe the feeling. I began to massage it more aggressively. In response my penis began to dribble lubricant.

Malganis: Any specific brand of lubricant? And did it have a fun fruity flavor?

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I began to tug on one of my nipples.

gaijin: \~/ I want to go on the record as saying that I'm not one of those jerks that tries to claim that porn is art, or literature, or any of that crap. I have no problem with the supermodel and the pizza guy, or even just skipping the plot entirely and cutting straight to the action.

That said, saying this strains credibility is like saying that the Pacific Ocean is wet. You, a bio student, have discovered that your asshole has been undergoing some fairly Lovecraftian changes and you start. . .

Malganis: *interrupting* Cthulhu totally needs to pop out of his ass.

gaijin: I don't even know if there's a word for this, but given that the reaction isn't "bloody horrified," I can say with some confidence that what he's doing is hard to credit...

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The feeling that ensued was fantastic. I was surprised when I said aloud, "give me milk titties, give me milk." I took my other hand and rubbed my belly again.

gaijin: Okay, if his entire belly is that sensitive, how did he not notice before? Does he not wear a shirt? Or use soap?

Malganis: Aww, c'mon gai, you know he's just making this shit up as he goes along.

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My penis began to dribble more lubricant. I had to masturbate. As I started moving my hand up and down my penis, my anus began to itch seductively.

gaijin: "Itch seductively." There's two words I never expected to see together (along with "erect anus," while we're on the subject.)

Malganis: His anus is totally a separate, sentient creature now, like the talking anus in Naked Lunch. Soon it'll be taking over his nervous system and yelling at people on the street, saying it just wants to be loved.

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I felt like I had two sex organs that needed to be satisfied now instead of just one. As I stroked my penis I began to finger my anus. An extraordinary feeling began to emanate from both the front and rear of my body.

Malganis: Haha, I love this next sentence:

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I stuck another finger in my unbelievably elastic anus and pushed and pulled them out.

Malganis: Butthole goes BOOOOOOIIIIINNNNG!

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I let out a deep guttural moan as an orgasm washed over my body. I looked down at my phallus and noticed that it hadn't yet ejaculated.

gaijin: Okay, who or whatever wrote this program is obviously female. Trust me on this one: when you ejaculate, you NOTICE.

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The orgasm came from my anus. The thought of having an anal orgasm made me loose all control. I got up and grabbed a phallic shaped shampoo bottle and stuck it in my anus. I pushed the bottle in and out of my anus with my sphincter muscles only. I couldn't believe I was sodomising myself with a shampoo bottle.

gaijin: And O-Ring Orifices make their show-stopping entrance! So to speak!

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The thought made me hotter still. I began to tug on my tumescent nipples

gaijin: \~/ Tumescent? That word looks familiar, hang on, let me check the dictionary. . . okay, first definition: "swelling; slightly tumid." That was pretty unhelpful. Hang on, this third definition looks good: "pompous and pretentious, esp. in the use of language; bombastic." Ooh yeah. It might not be where the author was going, but it's sure as fuck where they arrived. And given that it looks like "tumor," I think I'm safe in putting it on the list with the other boner-killing words the author's been using, like "crusty" and "itchy."

Maybe whoever wrote this program is a Simpsons fan?

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as I thrust my erection in and out of the air and pulled the bottle in and out with my sphincter muscles. Every nerve ending in my body was inflamed.

gaijin: Even the pain receptors? Please? So he can go into shock and die, and we can all go home?

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"Come on titties," I said. "Give me milk." Suddenly, a thin white fluid began to flow from my nipples. It dripped through my fingers to the floor. "What have I done," I cried in panic? "What have I done?"

gaijin: Maybe panic? Maybe not? Maybe all the horror from whatever the fuck was going on was finally catching up to my molecule-sized brain? WHO KNOWS?

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Just then my penis exploded.

gaijin: Sending blood everywhere and leaving an open wound, causing me to bleed out in record time. The end.

Malganis: A stick of dynamite down the urethra is a thing of beauty.

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My semen shot up into the air until it hit the ceiling.

gaijin: Add "improbable projectile ejaculation" to the list of fucked up author-program fetishes.

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An orgasm washed over my body. Another orgasm quickly followed from my anus as it pulled the shampoo bottle completely into my body. This frightened me. I used my sphincter to push the bottle out. It shot out of my anus like a cork out of popgun. It hit the wall of the bathroom with a loud thud then fell to the floor.

Malganis: Quick, someone hire this man for the next NC-17-rated John Waters movie!

gaijin: ...Correction, any improbable expulsion from an orifice.

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As I looked around the semen and milk splattered bathroom I was ashamed. I began to cry hysterically, "what have I done to myself?" "What have I done to myself?" I then collapsed to the floor in a heap. As I lay on the floor, I felt a strange movement in my swollen stomach. I began to sob. Eventually I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

gaijin: Oh, NICE FUCKING TRY. You spend the last page and a half setting up and executing an unspeakably disgusting masturbation sequence, NOW you try to invoke characterization. No. I'd tell you to die in a fire and go to authorial hell, but I think you're probably too awful for them there.

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When I awoke the next morning on the floor, I decided I had to pull myself together. Everything that had happened last night was a result of nerves nothing else. I told myself I was working too hard at my studies and should take it easy.

gaijin: So studying too hard makes your anus turn into a mutant vagina?

That's all the excuse I need to never crack a book again, and then some.

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I cleaned up the bathroom and got ready for class.

Continued in Part Four...

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I groan as another contraction starts. "Must concentrate on how this happened," I said as I gritted my teeth during the contraction.

Malganis: *as Vijay* "Must... advance... the plot..."

gaijin: OK, now I'm just confused. The story started with him having contractions and clumsily flashing back for the purposes of exposition. Are we back to the beginning now or what?

Then again, confusion is probably the best feeling that this story has inspired.

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"Must focus." My first class that morning was with Dr. Kothari. I almost fell asleep during her lecture. When she asked me to report to her office after class I was afraid she had noticed my lack of attention. Failure to pay attention in her class was almost a death sentence.

gaijin: Yay! Wait- almost. Fuck. Have I said how much I want you dead and this story over yet?

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I dreaded the worst when she arrived at her office. Instead she was extremely cordial. Too cordial I thought. "You are unwell," she asked arching her left eyebrow? "No, just tired," I replied sheepishly. She then dismissed me.

gaijin: "My anus is turning into Chthulhu. So, yeah, tired."

Malganis: "Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Preparation-H fhtagn!"

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For the next month I kept my hands away from any of my sex organs fearing the consequences.

gaijin: As a result, peeing became quite difficult.

Malganis: Not to mention wiping his ass.

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I even turned on the shower, jumped in, as best as I could that is, and jumped out. I tried to ignore my growing stomach, but it would rumble on occasion to let me know it was still there.

gaijin: "Hey, fuckwit." It would growl. "Have you figured out that some weird shit's going on yet?" I attributed this to stress, and tried to get more sleep.

Malganis: gaijin, it's eerily appropriate yet rather frightening that you characterize Vijay's internal organs as being smarter than he is.

Continued in Part Five...

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I was glad the weather had begun to warm up so that I no longer had to wear a confining coat. I was now wearing extra large sweats to try and accommodate my growing girth. I still could not figure out what I was eating to cause me to grow so large. I was also troubled with alternating constipation and diarrhoea.

gaijin: You know, for a bio student you're pretty fucking dense. Just saying.

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The day I had my biology final with Dr. Kothari started out grim.

gaijin: It was taped to the back of a huge black dog- wait. Wrong Grim. You know how bad something like this is when it keeps reminding you of things you'd rather be doing- like reading Harry Potter, or watching Power Rangers.

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Even though I knew the material backward and forward my stomach was churning. It felt like something was trying to get out. It was extremely difficult to concentrate on the test with this going on. To make matters worse, Dr. Kothari watched me like a hawk. When I handed her my test, she told me to see her in her office in an hour. I didn't like the look on her face when I entered her office. "Will you be returning next fall," she asked with a chuckle?

gaijin: Jesus, she's got the Fakelandian accent that the shopkeeper did from the last twisted Mpreg we reviewed. Those damn Fakes are everywhere.

Maybe they're related to the global elite? (The writings of David Icke are also something I'd rather be reading.)

Malganis: Well, it's obvious that they run the secret world hegemony of the Illuminati, gaijin. Yup. Torture, brainwashing, kidnapping, snuff videos, bad Mpreg fanfic scenarios... those damned Illuminati have their nefarious hentai-tentacles in every depraved pie on Earth!

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"Yes, I hope to," I replied fearing that I had failed my test. "I don't think so," she said with a louder chuckle. "Did I do that poorly on the test," I asked meekly? "Oh no," she said with another chuckle. "You did brilliantly." "Then why don't you think I will come back next fall," I asked fearing the answer?

gaijin: Are all Fakelandians this retarded? She asks a question she already knows the answer to just for the purpose of setting up the un-reveal. Also, is there a paragraph break anywhere in the foreseeable future?

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"Because," she said with hissing sound, "you will have a baby to take care of." "What," I said startled. "You pathetic little fool," she hissed again. "Just look at yourself."

gaijin: "With my power of inflicting mutant vagina anuses via suppository, I shall RULE THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

Malganis: ... That's the most retarded world-domination scheme ever.

gaijin: Also, paragraph break? Somewhere? Please?

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"Almost 7 months pregnant and completely unaware of the fact." "You're crazy," I said rising to my feet with some difficulty. "I'm just gaining weight." "Nonsense," she said with a menacing cackle. "That suppository that I gave you last October contained a synthetic hormone."

gaijin: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO- YOU- WRITE IT?

Also, cue technobabble. I'm pretty sure it's a program now; everything so far is "The Joe Luck Club" with a palatte swap.

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"A hormone that caused your body to produce an egg which contained a complete set of your chromosomes." "The hormones then started to create other changes in your body, such as an acceptable womb," she said pointing to my swollen belly. As she pointed to my stomach, a movement from within was noticeable.

gaijin: That is not a "hormone," that is "fucking magic." I've ranted about this before, so suffice to say: bullshit.

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"Quickening," she said with a cackle.

Malganis: That energy you just felt, Vijay... was the Quickening! It comes from the life energies of every beheaded M-pregnant Immortal! Remember, there can be only one... assbaby!

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What she had just said made sense. "Why, did you do this to me," I asked in frustration? "Because," she said. "Because men in our country only think women are good for one thing, to produce babies." "I had to give up several years of my research because my husband forced me to have children." "Children I did not want." "Just like when you marry you will force your wife to have children."

gaijin: "ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO- YOU- WRITE IT?" No, apparently. I can guess who's speaking by the context, but one, your readers shouldn't have to guess, and two, the fact that they have to puzzle out who's speaking when the punctuation is telling them entirely different is wrong.

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"But now," she said with a laugh. "You will know what it is like to carry a child you do not want and who will require your care causing you to fall behind your colleagues." "What did I ever do to you," I asked angrily? "You are a man," she replied flatly. "And I want to see if a man can survive the rigors of childbirth." "I'm betting you will die," she added with malice. "Of course I will die," I said angrily. "Men cannot give birth," I shouted at her. "True, but you are unlike other men now," she stated coolly. "The child will come out the way it came in, if you can stand the pain," she added with a chuckle. "And I bet a man cannot."

gaijin: Um. Yeah. There's misogynistic attitudes in your home country so you. . . abuse the trust of a student to inflict probably fatal body modifications on him without his consent or knowledge. Yeah. It's like that old standup bit- "ladies, when a man holds a door for your, scream at him that he's a sexist pig. That will really improve his view of women." Mal, you want to go into more depth here?

Malganis: Clearly it's just a blatant ploy by the author to move this lurching monstrosity that passes for a plot along.

Continued in Part Six...

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Another contraction has hit as I thought about my confrontation with Dr Kothari.

gaijin: Wait- this is the third time he's been having contractions. Is this a new, third time period, or are we back at the beginning?

Malganis: It's the suckiest excuse for a framing device I've seen in a story in a long time, that's what.

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I hated her yet I also pitied her. She seemed to have forgotten what it was to be human.

gaijin: Um? What? Where the hell did that come from?

Malganis: Author's brain, gaijin. I know, it's a scary place.

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I again focused my mind on how this all happened.

gaijin: OK, let me see if I have this straight: we returned to the present (the beginning of the story,) but now we're flashing back again and. . . ah, fuck it. Timey-wimey ball. He can grow a baby up his ass, a TARDIS shouldn't be that much more of a stretch.

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When I got back to my dorm room I pondered what to do. "I could terminate the pregnancy," I thought. "As a biology student I should be able to figure out how to do this without damaging myself even at this late of a time," I said aloud.

gaijin: Again, for the benefit of the audience. And given that you drooled and shuffled your way through months of Cthulhu-vagina-anus without seeing any kind of doctor about it, I don't think you could pull off using a coathanger the regular way.

Malganis: The rampant stupidity of the main characters in these stories is the most disturbing thing, and when you consider the vagina-anuses and the assbabies, that's saying something.

Quote :

But just then, the baby kicked and knew I couldn't do it. I wanted to prove Dr. Kothari wrong and what happened was not the babies' fault. I decided that I would seek help from my mother's uncle.

gaijin: I know this is an excuse plot, but still: Jesus Christ. THIS LADY IS TRYING TO KILL YOU. PRIORITIES, JACKASS.

Malganis: Hey, if she actually manages to kill this dumbass, I'm rooting for her.

Quote :

My mother always said he was an extremely wise and learned man and that is why he was chosen to be a guru. Surely a guru would know how to deal with my problem I thought.

gaijin: Ooh boy. This is going to be awful. "Namaste," anyone?

Malganis: Or, alternately, The Love Guru movie.

... Yeah, this isn't going to end well, is it?

Quote :

Before I left school, I wrote a letter to my mother telling her that I was going to see her uncle to see if I could learn more about spiritual matters. I also asked for her forgiveness on not being able to see her for awhile because I wanted to see her uncle right away because I had much to learn. My mother was delighted with the idea as she always thought I was much too concerned with the physical side of the body.

gaijin: And she doesn't find your sudden spiritual awakening a mite suspicious or inconvenient, even though you're apparently dropping out of grad school to go chasing after it.

Quote :

The bumpy ride to the airport was more than my bladder could take. I had to use the restroom immediately on arrival. I wanted to use a stall, but none were available so I had to use the urinal. I pulled down my sweatpants, which revealed part of my swollen gut.

gaijin: I've seen a few women who were seven months pregnant and, at an educated guess, I'd say that they couldn't use most urinals even if they were otherwise equipped. The baby sorta gets in the way.

Quote :

The punk in the urinal next to me noticed my now enormous and naked gut and said, "who knocked you up dude." "Some guy with a fat prick like me?" Several of his buddies, who were also in the restroom, started to laugh. "Yeah man, next time you get laid, spring for a rubber," said another punk throwing a used condom at me

gaijin: Oh yeah. Program. This scene is from "Joe Luck," almost word for fucking word.

Malganis: This author really has a thing for guys hitting on his Gary Stus at urinals, doesn't he?

Be afraid, men, be very afraid. Next time you're standing there in a public bathroom, holding your dick and doin' your thing, you could be standing next to... Greyson Moore. And he could be fantasizing about YOU coming on to him in his next Mpreg fanfiction.

Quote :

As I was quickly finishing, another one of the punks pulled my sweatpants all the way down exposing my backside. The abundant amount of hair between my buttcheeks must have been clearly evident because one of the punks said, "he's got a regular beaver back there." "Just the thing to stick a dick into." The punks then broke out into laughter again. I pulled up my pants and lowered my sweatshirt and got out of there. I could still hear their laughter on the plane.

gaijin: Yeah. Because you can't just pull down the front of your pants.

Quote :

With some difficulty I manoeuvred into the small cramped seat. My belly bulged out in front of me once I was seated. Several passengers who went by looked at my gut and just shook their heads in disgust. During the flight home I must have visited the restroom at least twenty times. "Must have a weak bladder," I heard several times as made my way to the restroom. I also heard several comments about fat people. Even the stewards and stewardesses seemed to be rude to me. "If I was a pregnant women," I thought, "they wouldn't be so rude to me."

gaijin: Can you please, please, for the love of GOD get your priorities in order? This woman did this to you to kill you. You're being fucked with a brilliant (if rather unambitious) psychopath who wants you dead. Can you focus on that for a couple minutes, pretty please?

Malganis: ... No, guess not.

Continued in Part Seven...

Quote :

I was glad when the plane arrived in New Delhi. As I walked through the terminal I heard several women laugh and point in derision at the fat man. Fat women are usually acceptable in India, but not fat men. I took a taxi from the airport to the train station. I purchased a ticket and boarded the train that would take me nearest town to where my Uncle lived. The train was crowded and the ride was bumpy. Several times I felt like I was going to vomit. I also hoped all of the bouncing wouldn't cause my baby to be born prematurely. It was also extremely difficult not to wet my pants, but there was no bathroom on the train. When I got off of the train, I went straight to the bathroom in the station. I pulled down my pants and began to urinate. I sprayed and sprayed causing my urethra to begin to hurt.

gaijin: It's not often that this level of detail can be both this horrifying and this uncompelling at the same time. The phrase "causing my urethra to hurt" shouldn't be this bland, but considering what's come before, it's almost a break.

Malganis: At least we aren't going to get another penisbaby. That's a relief.

So stop bitchin', Vijay, or Greyson Moore will go and make you piss a baby out your dick. Wanna be a little crybaby now, bitch? Huh? Huh?

Quote :

I thought I would never finish. When I finished I pulled up my pants and went to find some water and someone who could give me directions to the village of my uncle. I found both.

Malganis: "Also, I found some pickles and ice-cream. They tasted GREAT together!"

gaijin: Uh- does your uncle know you were coming? You're supposed to be related to this person, couldn't you have gotten directions from your mother? Or something? There's really no point in putting this complication in the story, it doesn't go anywhere.

Malganis: Dude, in terms of 'going somewhere', this whole story is like a rusting Yugo that's been up on cinder blocks since the fall of the Soviet Union. Are you really expecting anything else at this point?

Quote :

I was told that the village that my uncle lived in was about five miles away and was almost straight up the mountain. I was also asked why I was going there as almost no one went there. "Why, does no one go there I," asked? "The people in that village do not like outsiders," said the stranger. "For decades they have attacked and killed any unfortunate stranger that went there," he said with a grimace.

Malganis: Holy Texas Chain Saw Mpreg, Batman!

gaijin: And the police aren't involved why?

Malganis: gaijin, they're probably doing humanity a service by killing off idiots like Vijay. Now we just have to hope that they'll off him on sight, too.

Quote :

What choice did I have I thought. Besides if my uncle was as well respected as my mother always said, no one would dare harm his relative. The walk to the village was extremely difficult and tiring. I thought of turning back several times, but I kept thinking of Dr. Kothari and her certainty that I would never be able to deliver my child. I knew that I had no other choice but to go on.

gaijin: If he knew you were coming. Also, since killing outsiders is pretty much the norm here, don't you think you should try to make sure you'll wind up not-dead when you show up? If you need a story-logic justification, it would be bad for the fucking baby.

Quote :

Several times along the way I would leave the narrow, rocky, and deserted road to relieve my bladder. On one of these occasions I decided to examine my body in the bright sunlight. Something seemed to come over me once I removed my clothing. I felt one with nature. I felt refreshed. I began to frolic in the warm sun.

Malganis: And there were butterflies and bunny rabbits, and gumdrops growing on the trees, and the flowers were made out of candy, and when I jerked off, my cum was magically transformed into rainbow Skittles! *tee-hee* It's Majickal Happy-Bullshit-Land!

gaijin: I should really get a focus group to check on the validity of this, but the brain damage wasn't extensive enough to make me forget what happened last time, so I'm going to cut right to the chase and call "bullshit" again. People who are that pregnant do not "frolic." They "waddle." Also, the constant mentions of urination are really making this scene worse.

. . . oh god. Maybe whoever wrote FATAL was involved in writing this program. It would explain so much.

Quote :

For the first time I felt blessed. I was experiencing something, which as far as I knew, no other male had ever experienced. I was heavy with child. I looked down at my hugely distended abdomen and marvelled. Only a few months ago I had a 28-inch waist. Now my waist was more than double that. I had no doubt that my gut was almost all baby.

gaijin: And placenta, and various fluids. What kind of biology did you get your B.S. in again?

Those initials were never more appropriate.

Quote :

I rubbed my belly and an electric feeling shot through my body.

Malganis: No, that was me, tazing your dumb ass.

"Don't taze me, bro"? I don't think I heard you so well, man.

...Oh, you want a little more of this, Vi-Jay-Jay? Huh? Huh?

*tazes again*

Continued in Part Eight...

Quote :

The thought of being pregnant sexually excited me. All of my sex organs began to get erect, my penis, my anus and my nipples. I looked down at my dark chocolate coloured nipples

gaijin: \~/ Also, what is it about bad authors and using "chocolate" to describe dark-skinned characters? There are other brown things-

-though given this author's preoccupation with bodily emissions, they might want to stick to "chocolate."

Quote :

in the bright sunlight and was amazed at how large they had become. They were massive, yet they remained firm. I doubted if even a woman had ever had nipples

gaijin: \~/

Malganis: Yeah, Vijay, sometimes I doubt women have nipples, too. Seriously, what the fuck are these things on my boobs? Someone, get them off of me.

...

*readies taser*

Quote :

as large as mine.

I gently tweaked them, which immediately started small drops of milk to form on the ends. Milk that I knew I would be feeding to my baby someday. In spite of what Dr. Kothari

gaijin: Yes, the awfully considerate of a biology-warping psychopath. Remember her?

Quote :

had said, I knew I was going to survive the birth of this child. I knew that I couldn't let nature down, as it appeared that it had gone to a great deal of trouble to provide my child with nourishment.

Malganis: Uhhh, your reproductive system is a cruel joke bestowed upon you by a psychotic mad scientist, dude. Not nature.

Oh, by the way, Mother Nature thinks you're a whiny little ass, too.

Quote :

I began to shake my milk laden man breasts back and forth.

Malganis: *makes sloshing sounds*

Quote :

My man breasts were truly that. They were not round and long like a women's but almost square and wide.

gaijin: I don't need to say anything here, do I?

Malganis: 'Square'? WTF? What, did a Lego man get pregnant? Or maybe Vijay is a character from an early computer game when CGI images just looked like little colored blocks.

...Besides, not having at least some roundness and softness takes all the fun out of a moob.

Quote :

I had what some of the guys at school who were into bodybuilding called gyno tits. I put my hands underneath one and lifted it up so that the nipple

gaijin: \~/

Quote :

was in direct line with my mouth. I hesitated. Was what I was thinking of doing perverted and would I be punished for it, I thought?

Malganis: No more so than Greyson Moore, honey.

...

*readies taser*

Quote :

As if to say no, milk began to ooze steadily out of the nipple

Malganis: When parts of your body are 'talking' to you, that is when you are CRAZY, Vijay.

You... are CRAZY.

gaijin: \~/ And if you can bend your tits around that far- I don't think "fried egg on a nail" even begins to cover it. Exactly what combination of fetishes do you need to make this story arousing? Male pregnancy, hermaphrodism, improbable body emissions, and now granny tits.

Malganis: As someone who has had curiosity in regards to Erotic Lactation, this shit... is not sexy. At all. At. All.

Quote :

and drip to the ground. Without another thought, I put the leaking nipple

gaijin: \~/ And one more for the pain. \~/

Malganis: Dude, can I have some of that? I'd like to use it... to throw in Vijay's eyesockets after I have stabbed out his eyes with my titanium spork.

Quote :

into my mouth. I began to gently suck on it. The milk began to flow out in a small but steady stream. It was warm and tasted like a light cream.

gaijin: All the sudden, taking my coffee black is looking a lot more attractive.

Quote :

I released the nipple

gaijin: \~/

Quote :

and patted my stomach saying, "you're one lucky child." Another electric feeling ran through my body and I had no choice but to succumb to my own sensuality. I began to masturbate my penis.

gaijin: "Masturbate your penis?" As opposed to that other sex organ- oh. Chthulhu-anus-vagina. I forgot.

Malganis: Decisions, decisions... What to masturbate today, the penis or the Chthulhu-anus-vagina?

Quote :

As I did so my anus began to itch unbearably.

gaijin: Again with the itching. Was this program written on a bet? Maybe an attempt to defy Rule 36?

Quote :

I ran my fingers up and down the cleft in my buttocks and felt an extremely erotic sensation. The hairs all seemed to be connected to nerves

Malganis: Awwwesome. Okay, Vijay, time for an ass-waxin'!

Quote :

and I soon had one hand sliding up and down my erection while the other hand rubbed back and forth my tumescent anus.

gaijin: Remember, he's doing this all in public. So add whatever fetish that is. And again with the fucking "tumescent." Here's a hint: if you can't get your paragraphs right, thesaurus abuse won't fool people into thinking you know English.

Quote :

As I examined my anus with my hand, I discovered a small bump near the bottom of it.

Malganis: *headdesks* Great, his rectum has inside-outed and his frickin' prostate has become some sort of grotesque clit.

Quote :

When I touch the bump a wave of pleasure shot through my body. My anus now screamed to be filled.

Malganis: Time for butt-plugs. At least one of 'em will shut that damn ass up... literally.

Quote :

I put my fingers in again, but that only made it want more. I remembered the shampoo bottle. "What did I have with me that was like that shampoo bottle," I wondered. I dug through the small satchel that I had brought with me. I didn't have a shampoo bottle that was big enough, but I did have a bottle of bismuth that I used for diarrhoea. I sat the bottle on a tall mossy rock and squatted over it. My penis shot a mighty load of semen as I impaled myself on the bottle. But my anus was not yet ready to orgasm. It wanted more stimulation. I slid up and down on the bismuth bottle like a madman. Suddenly, and without warning an orgasm came. An orgasm that was so strong my whole body shook.

gaijin: Blah, blah, blah, masturbation scene again, except this time in public on a the road to a town that's pretty much the Indian equivalent of the place that the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is set. Because you've got a pregnancy that was designed to kill you. Which you're going to consult a guru about. I love how this crazy kid focuses on the important things!

Quote :

Milk was now pouring out of my nipples

gaijin: \~/

Quote :

and the baby in my belly was kicking intensely. The kicking became so strong that I worried that I had hurt my child.

gaijin: What, is this kid empathic or something? If so, I'm sorry. He's already scarred for life, and he's not even born yet.

Quote :

I immediately used my sphincter to eject the bottle from my anus.

Malganis: *POW*

Continued in Part Nine...

Quote :

I rubbed my belly to soothe my restless child. Instead of being aroused by touching my swollen abdomen, I felt a peace in touching it. My child's comfort now came before my own pleasure. I sat down on the cool moss covered rock and rocked gently back and forth to soothe my baby. It seemed like an eternity before my child settled down. I slowly, and with a great deal of difficulty dressed and continued my journey to the village.

gaijin: Yeah. The village, with the guru that you're going to see for some reason. Where they kill strangers. What the hell makes you think this is going to end well?

Quote :

I was practically crawling when I reached the village. The sun was setting which gave the village an almost ethereal appearance. I looked at the small houses that were clustered together and looked for signs of life, but there appeared to be none. Without warning, a group of villagers were upon me. "I've come to see my uncle, the guru Ravi," I said gasping for breath in the thin mountain air. "I am his nephew Vijay." The crowd parted and a very ominous looking man approached. "I am Ravi," said the man in a voice that echoed through the village. "Why have you come here Vijay?" "I need your help," I said demurely.

gaijin: Oh God. CHRIS PAOLINI? Was he involved with this? I remember him using "demure" like this as well- and now that I think about it, it explains oh-so-much. Chris Paolini and the guy who wrote FATAL made a program to write-

makethehurtingstopmakethehurtingstopMAKETHEHURTINGSTOP OH GOD

Quote :

"Why do you need my help," he thundered? "I can't say here," I mumbled. "Then I must assume you have done something wicked if you can not tell the people of the village." "I have done nothing wicked," I said gasping for air. "It is what has been done to me that I need your knowledge for," I gasped out. The thin air was having a very deleterious effect on me. I needed rest. "Then tell us, what has been done to you that brings you here," he commanded?

gaijin: Man, Fakelandia has operatives EVERYWHERE.

Malganis: Dude, I told you they were the frickin' Illuminati.

Quote :

I could barely speak so I pulled my shirt up revealing my pregnant belly and my man breasts.

gaijin: Which I assumed they would understand instantly, even though it after being pregnant for SEVEN MONTHS I still needed a goddamn reveal from the big bad to even begin to guess what happened.

Quote :

The villagers all gasped then bowed in solemn prayer. Even my Uncle Ravi bowed in prayer. The prayers surprised me because they were prayers of thanks. When they were finished praying. Several of the men lifted me to my feet and brought me into a small house. Cushions were hurriedly placed on the floor and arranged.

gaijin: Okay, add "offensive ethnic stereotyping" to the fetish list. (Is that a fetish? I'd assume so. Everything is, these days.)

Quote :

Once they were arranged to my Uncle's satisfaction, I was laid gently down on the cushions. My uncle and the villagers bowed again in prayer then left me in the dark room. A villager returned with a hot bowl of curry. I practically inhaled the delicious dish. Once I finished eating, I quickly fell asleep on the extremely comfortable cushions. I slept soundly that night.

gaijin: Because there's nothing better for a pregnant person than a long sleep with no back support.

Malganis: Hey, you wanted to see this dimwit suffer, gaijin. Now's your chance.

Quote :

When I awoke, late the next morning, my uncle was standing over me. When he realised that I was awake, he called out, "he is awake."

gaijin: "The Beast and his armies shall rise from the pit of Uranus to make war on God."

Malganis: "And I do mean Uranus."

Quote :

The men that had lifted me to my feet the day before entered the room. They helped me to stand then left the house. "You are heavy with child," said my Uncle?

Malganis: Why the question mark? Maybe this really isn't his uncle, just an Illuminati plant sent to this remote village to harvest Vijay's reproductive organs in an extremely painful and guro-like fashion.

... Hmm, I like that conspiracy theory.

Quote :

"Yes," I answered plainly. "How," he asked? I explained in general terms how it had occurred. When I was finished he said, "pregnant with child because of a treacherous woman." He then smiled appreciatively. "Remove your clothing so that I may examine you," he said authoritatively. My uncle helped me remove my clothing.

gaijin: I'm gonna need to add "incest" to the fetish list, aren't I.

Malganis: ... Yes. Why, are you really so shocked?

Quote :

When my clothing was removed he began to examine me. He held my penis in his hands and examined it closely. It was now almost black in colour and was almost a foot long and was as thick as my wrist.

Malganis: Oh, great, we have the Schlong of Doom, here.

Quote :

He then examined my large and ebony coloured scrotum. He squeezed my testicles apart. He then pressed his thumb and forefinger against a testis. I grimaced. He seemed pleased with this.

Malganis: Your uncle totally hates you, Vijay.

Quote :

"You are still a man," he said matter-of-factly. He then put both hands on my man breasts. He pushed his palms against them and began to knead them. He then pulled hard on both of my black nipples.

gaijin: \~/ Is there a term for how much "bad touch" this paragraph contains? Hang on, there is? Oh- "Michael Jackson."

Malganis: *falsetto* Eee-hee-hee!

Quote :

Milk began to leak from them. "Good," he said, "very good." He went behind me and put his hand on my back and gently bent me over. He parted the hair between my buttocks and examined my anus. He put his finger on the small bump at the top of my anus and pushed on it. "Does that feel good," he asked? "Yes," I answered somewhat embarrassed.

gaijin: He's fingering your Vi-jay-jay, asshole- oh, hell, you know what I mean. Remember what happened the last time stuff went up Hershey Highway without consent? BAD THINGS.

Quote :

"A healthy and suitable mangina,"

gaijin: *SNERK* I'm imaging Patrick Stewart, or maybe Jeremy Irons, deadpanning this line with that dead-behind-the-eyes "I know I'm going to acting hell for this but my mortgage payment is overdue" look.

Malganis: DUDE, so am I. And it's totes gotta be Jeremy Irons, since he was in, what, Dungeons & Dragons AND Eragon, two of the most reviled, loathsome fantasy films in recent memory. Yep, totally gotta be him.

Quote :

he said. "A what," I replied confused by the term? "A mangina," he replied.

Malganis: Vijay's uncle has been reading Internet porn, I see.

Quote :

"You should have no problem having an anal birth." He then came around in front of me again. He put both hands on my protruding belly and began to feel. "Excellent," he said enthusiastically. "Excellent."

Malganis: All whilst steepling his fingers, like Mr. Burns or Emperor Palpatine.

Quote :

"It is better than I had hoped." "What do you mean," I asked? "You have been favoured," he replied. "I don't understand," I said. "You are the means of deliverance for this village," he said. "They shall be free at last."

gaijin: They may take our lives, but they shall NEVER TAKE OUR ASSBABIES!

Malganis: Braveheart? Moar liek Bravefart, amirite?

Continued in Part Ten...

Quote :

"Free from what," I asked in a worried tone? "A curse by an evil sorceress has been placed on this village," he said. "One of the village men would not lay with her so she cursed the village." "No one," she said, "would be able to have sex in this village until a man gave birth." "From the moment she uttered her curse every man was impotent and every women craved sex." "Even men not yet born, were born impotent."

gaijin: Again with the paragraphing and punctuation. Also, did no one ever think to LEAVE the village?

Quote :

"And even men who visited the village became impotent." "They were so ashamed, they never returned to their families." "Their families no doubt assumed that we killed them."

gaijin: What? Tying up a plot point? In a way that makes sense within the context of this deeply, deeply wrong universe? That's. . . well, it's a first, actually. I'm sort of at a loss for anything wiseass to say.

Quote :

"How long ago did she curse this place," I asked? "Thirty years ago," he said shaking his head. "Thirty long years." "Now we are to be delivered." "Our prayers have been heard he said bowing his head in thanks."

Malganis: These poor men. They're so starved for sex, they've forgotten the rules of proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation. *weeps*

Quote :

For the next two months my belly grew and grew and grew. I also, on the advice of my uncle took to wearing nothing but a loincloth so as not to restrict the growth of my baby. On the days when I wanted to get out of the house, the two male villagers attended me. My abdomen had become so large that I could scarcely stand without help. As I waddled through the village, the villagers bowed and gave thanks.

gaijin: This is at once offensive and creepy. Loincloths are probably another fetish to add to the list, incidentally.

Quote :

This morning I felt my first contraction and I knew that it was nearing time. My attendants helped me lie down on the floor in the house that I had been staying. They then removed my loincloth and held my legs back over my head.

gaijin: That. . . doesn't seem right. Bending the torso when you're trying to get something as big as a baby out of it just seems like a bad idea, though I could be wrong on this one.

Quote :

My uncle lit incense, said a prayer, and comforted me

gaijin: As opposed to getting a doctor, or a midwife, or some sort of professional. Seriously- I know it's supposed to be a remote village, but you knew this was coming for months. Given that this is supposed to free the village from it's thirty-year dry spell (a goal that people would be pretty focused on, I'd think) would a little professional help be too much to ask?

Malganis: Hey, they just said that they needed an assbaby born in the village. They didn't say anything about either it or the assbaby-incubator surviving.

Quote :

as my contractions became closer and closer together. He said nothing when a watery discharge came flowing out of my anus. He quickly cleaned it up. The contractions are now stronger so I must focus on the here and now. I can feel the baby stretching my rectum and pushing against my prostate. I am embarrassed because I quickly erected, but my Uncle has waved it off.

gaijin: Yow. Tenses shifting without a clutch. I THINK we're supposed to be back at the beginning of the story, hence the change to present tense, but the author doesn't clarify and I've stopped caring at this point. I'm on the home stretch now.

Quote :

My attendants are envious of my erection, since they had never had nor seen one. They also wonder aloud why I wasn't affected by the curse. My uncle responded, "the chosen one is protected from the curse."

gaijin: The Chosen One? Are you fucking SERIOUS? To bear the assbaby is a high and lonely destiny?

Malganis: Sort of like the Star Wars prequels, but with more turgid assholes and blackened doomcocks.

Quote :

My uncle calls for another attendant. The attendant quickly begins to masturbate my penis after receiving instructions on how to do it from my uncle.

gaijin: Again with the priorities. This guy's in the process of shitting out a baby, so your response is to. . . give him a handjob. Now, I like a handjob as much as the next guy, but there's a time and a place.

Quote :

I feel my sphincter muscle pushing harder, but no baby has appeared. I contract my abdominal muscles and push with my sphincter muscles even harder, but still no baby. I groan in agony as I continue to contract and push. My uncle appears to have sensed a problem because his examining my mangina. "The baby is a breech," he says, "but do not worry," he adds calmly.

gaijin: Because he's a certified midwife on the side; guru is just his day job.

Malganis: Yeah, he just printed off a little Guru degree from an Indian internet guru-college.

Quote :

He has put his hand into my anus and is turning the baby around. I huge wad of semen shoots out of my penis amazing the attendants. "Push Vijay," says my uncle ignoring the other show. I push. I feel the head of the baby pass out of my body. The rest of the baby quickly follows. "Push," says my Uncle again. "Why," I ask between breaths?

gaijin: It's my understanding that most people, at this point, aren't in any condition to converse unless they've been doped to the gills. Sure that's incense he's burning?

Malganis: Dunno, but admit it: you want what he's smokin'.

Quote :

"Push," he commands. I contract my abdomen again and feel something slide into my rectum. "Push Vijay, push," says my uncle. I feel another head pass out of my body. "Push," says my uncle. "Push." I painfully contract my abdomen again. This time the baby passes out of my body with little difficulty. "Three babies," I say not believing it. "Yes, Vijay," responds my uncle. "Yes." He and the attendants say a prayer. "Did you know about this," I ask between heavy breathing? "Yes," he responds, "I could feel them." "We are truly blessed."

gaijin: "Would it have fucking killed you to clue me about this 'blessing' beforehand?"

Quote :

The attendants are doing the most amazing thing. They are exposing their genitals. I watch as the smiles spread across their faces as their organs pulse and fill with blood. They are soon fully erect. My uncle waves them off and they dash out into the street unabashedly fully erect. They soon have their organs buried.

gaijin: In graves, along with the rest of them. On that terrible day, Exploding Cock Syndrome claimed more lives than Ebola.

Malganis: Awesome.

Quote :

My uncle is cutting the umbilical cords of my three babies. I feel another contraction in my stomach and the three placentas are expelled. I am exhausted after the births and fall asleep. When I wrote to my mother that I was staying with my uncle she was very upset. "All of your education gone to waste," she wrote back. "No mother," I responded. "It will not go to waste." "There are many people who need me here." She wrote back that she was glad that I had remembered my heritage.

gaijin: Aaand the story comes full circle. I'm glad. . . sort of. . . kind of. . . that the author-program-whatever is making an effort, but seriously? No. Just NO.

Quote :

My three children grew up on the village with a great deal of other children. The children were younger, but that didn't seem to bother my children at all. They also were not the least bit bothered that they had been born of and nursed by a man. I have fathered several children with my wife since the triplets were born. I have also born many more children from various fathers in the village, even my uncle.

gaijin: Ding! Incest fetish. Who called it? Who da man? Who wishes he was dead, or brain-damaged enough to not know how this shit goes?

Malganis: At this point, all of us.

Quote :

Once I discovered the joy of life growing within me, I was not able to give it up. I used artificial insemination to fertilise my eggs. Usually one injection of semen produced the desired result. My wife never objected to my being constantly pregnant. In fact the site of me trying to manoeuvre with my distended abdomen and milk filled pectorals clearly amused her. We also tried to plan our pregnancies at the same time so that we could give birth together.

gaijin: Andrea Yates times two. That's all I'm saying.

*Fade back to the library, where gaijinguy is listing heavily in his chair, blue straw in his mouth as he tries to get the last few droplets of whiskey out of the bottom of the bottle. He sees the camera, starts, and burps.* Uh- um- well, thank you for joining us for this episode of Male Pregnancy Theatre, where we kill our souls piece by piece for your amusement. Malganis? Care to take it from here?

Malganis: Well, gaijinguy, I think I've said all I can say about this icky fic. So let's just repeatedly taser Vijay to death and we'll call it a night, huh?

*turns to the audience* Thanks, everyone, for being our (captive) audience for another humorous, horrifying episode of Male Pregnancy Theater! We hope you're going to enjoy this pointless yet emotionally satisfying display of sadism as much as I am.

*The sound of tasers firing repeatedly and Vijay screaming fade in as the picture fades to black and the credits roll*

Man, is this formulaic. They never get pregnant from interaction with someone else, it's always some sort of medicine, they never get what's going on, they are insanely sensitive (physically), they always make a mess, other people don't exist, and the huge nipples are the main focus of the story.


As a side note, I'm glad gai is still alive after all, and it turns out that when Mal isn't worrying about other people's opinions she's actually fairly funny.

grmblfjx wrote:

As a side note, I'm glad gai is still alive after all, and it turns out that when Mal isn't worrying about other people's opinions she's actually fairly funny.

... I try, I try.

Well I hope you're happy. I now have the phrase 'Cthulhu-vagina-anus' stuck in my head, and something tells me no amount of brain bleach in the world is going to make it go away.

Seriously, you guys deserve an award of some sort for wading through this piece of drek. Alas, my photo-shopping skills are non-existent. I'd lend Gaijin more liquor, but I think I'm going to need it myself.

CHEERS! :drinky:

Quote :

The bumpy ride to the airport was more than my bladder could take. I had to use the restroom immediately on arrival. I wanted to use a stall, but none were available so I had to use the urinal. I pulled down my sweatpants, which revealed part of my swollen gut. The punk in the urinal next to me noticed my now enormous and naked gut and said, "who knocked you up dude." "Some guy with a fat prick like me?" Several of his buddies, who were also in the restroom, started to laugh. "Yeah man, next time you get laid, spring for a rubber," said another punk throwing a used condom at me

Not that this story was completely unbelievable to begin with, but seriously? MEN DON'T TALK IN THE BATHROOM. The writer broke MANLAW. #41 according to some lists. Frigging seriously.

Quote :

Several times along the way I would leave the narrow, rocky, and
deserted road to relieve my bladder. On one of these occasions I
decided to examine my body in the bright sunlight. Something seemed to
come over me once I removed my clothing. I felt one with nature. I felt
refreshed. I began to frolic in the warm sun.

Couldn't he just have frolicked off a frigging cliff with his cthulu assbaby? I mean really? If I had crusty nipples, an ass twat and giving birth to the destroyer of worlds or something...

And it has to be said: nothin' like squeezin' out BABEHS together for BONDING. When I was in labor, I wanted to behead everything. I would NOT have been concerned about who was around me. Good gods.

*joins in the drinking*

*golfclap* Because honestly, my brain is too far gone to manage anything more.

AND TO YOU LOVELY SNARKERS, I PRESENT YOU WITH THIS MEAGER AWARD:

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Maybe gay men talk in the bathroom.
I don't like talking to other people in the bathroom. I'm trying to take care of business and get out. Maybe that's because I'm an honorary boy.

karmyn31 wrote:

Maybe gay men talk in the bathroom.
I don't like talking to other people in the bathroom. I'm trying to take care of business and get out. Maybe that's because I'm an honorary boy.

Me, too. *joins Honorary Boy Club*

Malganis wrote:

karmyn31 wrote:

Maybe gay men talk in the bathroom.
I don't like talking to other people in the bathroom. I'm trying to take care of business and get out. Maybe that's because I'm an honorary boy.

Me, too. *joins Honorary Boy Club*

Ooh, I'm in too. There's nothing worse than when you're trying to pee and someone just starts blabbering away at you. Puts me right off.

When I saw the title, I figured this was a RPS featuring Vijay Singh.

The text walls of doom^tm in places don't help either.