Star Dreck

Disclaimer: The most I saw of Star Trek was some stuff with Picard, and some episodes of Voyager, with the odd DS9 once a year or so. So I'm not really a fan of the series. The most of the original Star Trek I saw involved Shatner kicking a Klingon in the face, yelling "I! HAVE HAD! ENOUGH! OF YOU!" until he fell off a cliff. So most of this stuff was new to me, and you won't be seeing fan angsting "in name only" bullshit here. Except for maybe one line, because I thought it'd be funny.

Let's begin.

TLDR version: WTF IS THIS SHIT. As far as I can tell, they've reinvented Star Trek to be even campier.

Long version: This has to have been the most ridiculously Mildly Military crapfest I have ever seen. I'm not going to get into Kirk's Maverick Childhood. No, I'm going to get into the complete bullshit that is the beginning of his military career.

STARFLEET OFFICER: "You know, you're a lazy douchebag, letting your talents go to waste in some dive bar in the middle of nowhere. Your father was a hero. Can't you live up to his example?"
KIRK: "No."

The next morning!
KIRK: "Hey dude, I'm in your star base, joinin' your Starfleet."
OFFICER: "Oh okay. Cool, I guess."
KIRK: "Oh man, I blend in so well with my civilian clothes on this military transport! I can't wait to go to Starfleet Academy."
MCCOY: "HI I'M A DRUNK AND BITTER DOCTOR I MIGHT THROW UP ON YOU ALSO I AM THE ONLY OTHER PERSON ON THIS THING IN CIVVIES."
KIRK: "If you're already a doctor why are you going to the Academy now?"
MCCOY: "BECAUSE STARFLEET HAS NEVER HEARD OF OFFICER CANDIDATE SCHOOL DUMBASS."
OTHER CADETS: "Hey, we're actually in Starfleet and went through the paperwork, also we ganged up on Kirk in that barfight. Pay no attention to us, we're uncool."

The next morning!
KIRK: "Wow, I'm so glad this place has no kind of basic training whatsoever and I can go straight to my favorite subject: Alien Fucking 101!"
GREEN CHICK: "Ha ha, I'm a bimbo slut."
UHURA: "Oh man, too many Slush-Os. No, I don't think JJ Abrams is an egotistical chronic masturbator, UNLIKE THE CREEP UNDER YOUR BED!"
KIRK: "HEY I'M STUDYING HERE. I'm studying green ass! How am I supposed to be Captain Kirk if I'm not banging green chicks?"
UHURA: "Cadet, I served with Captain Kirk. I knew Captain Kirk: Captain Kirk was a friend of mine. Cadet, you're no Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk would never waste time with underwear dry humping."
KIRK: "How-?"
UHURA: "Black holes, time warps, just accept it and GET THE FUCK OUT."

The morning after that!
STARFLEET: "There's an attack or some shit, so let's just grab every damn cadet and throw them into space."

Stuff happens!
CAPTAIN STUPID: "Hey, I'm putting Spock in command and this idiot Academy cadet in place as First Officer."
SPOCK: "That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard, as the bridge, and rest of the ship for that matter is full of officers far more experienced than this egotistical jackass. But since it puts me in command, I won't object."

More stuff!
SPOCK: "Logically, I should've done this a million years ago."
KIRK: "YOU CAN'T BANISH MEEEEEEEEE-! OH GOD ALIENS."
LEONARD NIMOY: "As I wave off this fearsome creature with my flaming stick, I find myself reminded of Bilbo Baggins, greatest little hobbit of them all."
KIRK: "Uh."
NIMOY: "Oh hi James."
KIRK: "HOW DO YOU KNOW ME!?"
NIMOY: "It's me, Spock."
KIRK: "Oh."

Holy stuff!
SCOTTY: "I'm stuck in Antarctica with Jar-Jar Binks. Fuck my life."
KIRK: "Let's get out of here!"
SCOTTY: "FINALLY."

For a nickel.
SPOCK: "I am perfectly capable of handling this situation."
KIRK: "Yo momma."
SPOCK: NERRRRRD RAAAAAAAGE
KIRK: "Yeah, s'what I thought. I'm in charge, bitch."
SPOCK: "Sigh. I guess it was inevitable."

On Earth!
STARFLEET CADETS: "I guess there weren't enough space ships for all of us, or we're a continuity error! Either way, HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT SPACE DRILL LET'S RUN AROUND IN A PANIC."

Home again, home again, jiggity jig.
STARFLEET OFFICER: "Congratulations, Kirk. You've only been in Starfleet for 72 hours and you already have command of a ship. You totally one-upped your old man. If only he was alive to witness this moment of grand cockery.
KIRK: "Shut up and throw me the keys to the Enterprizzle."

LEONARD NIMOY: "I can finally retire."

I have to agree with most of this, though I would've enjoyed the movie if it hadn't been for the plot. Would it have killed them to simply make a character-driven movie about Kirk and co. at the Academy? Oh no, then the drooling simpletons who movie executives seem to think make up most of the population wouldn't have gone to see it, because there wouldn't have been enough 'splosions and crazy plot twists. Never mind that its biggest fanbase (judging by fanfics) seems to be teenage girls who want to bang one or more of the Starfleet characters, who probably would have been only too happy to go and watch Hot Smouldering Pouty Quirky College Kids Iiiiiin Spaaaaace. *rargh*

Keith Fraser wrote:

I would've enjoyed the movie if it hadn't been for the plot.

That's pretty much what I thought, too.

I like the parts where stuff blew up and people punched each other.

Lexin wrote:

Keith Fraser wrote:

I would've enjoyed the movie if it hadn't been for the plot.

That's pretty much what I thought, too.

Was there one? I went to the toilet about halfway through (as an aside, our group had decided the best tactic before seeing the film would be "drink till Chris Pine is attractive), and I was convinced I'd missed the vital bit of exposition that made the whole thing make sense.

Saying that, I actually quite liked the film, it was great fun. I particularly liked the redshirt death.

To be fair, Starfleet is a Mildly Military military.

I went in knowing that much, but this just brought it to a whole new level. I don't even know why they bothered with ranks. I guess they assumed that Starfleet is like Hollywood, and the only reason you'd be an engineer or one of the guys in the background working on computers is because your pitch to the producers failed to "wow" them.

I took my brother to see this. We both found it very enjoyable although I was "blackholes whut? Corvette whut? CAPTAIN WHUT?" throughout the movie. I think the best thing about the movie was that it motivated me to watch TOS and TNG again. But man, I thought it was a lot of fun to watch. And isn't that what it's about?

Brother: Man I want to be just like Captain Kirk.
Me: Which one?
Brother: this new guy- man he gets laid and he gets to be a Captain. He is so badass.
Me: I spent the movie wanting to Vulcan death grip his ass.

What is it about the constant flow of sequels and remakes and 'Live Action' crap we're getting? All the high budgets are paying for is famous actors and flashy sound effects.

Don't they get that maybe we want to have a NEW franchise? You know, how back in the 80s writing was so good that an entire franchise could be made out of a film?

We don't want the old franchises recycled until their scripts are best used for toilet paper. We want to see a movie that's good enough to start a NEW franchise!

Look, I am probably going to be the lone voice in the wilderness here...but I loved this movie.

When I first heard that:

1) It was going to be a "reboot" of sorts
2) It was going to be an "Academy" film (an idea that has been kicked around since Star Trek V was in development back in the late 80's)
3) JJ Abrams was directing

I was absolutely aghast - Trek was already on life-support after Nemesis and Enterprise, and Paramount was coming in to smother it with a pillow.

The more I heard, the more I was unsure. When Leonard Nimoy signed on, I was at least cautiously optimistic. "Maybe they won't screw the pooch so much." "It can't be any worse than Star Trek V."

I went on opening night with a couple friends who are also major Star Trek fans. We came away very, very happy. Yes, there were plot holes and absolutely ridiculous science. But that isn't any different than the last 40 years or so of Trek.

I'm one of the first to wallop bad Trek (don't even get me started on some of the abysmal novels that have been turned out), but I really can't say too much that is wrong with this movie.

Nihilist wrote:

I took my brother to see this. We both found it very enjoyable although I was "blackholes whut? Corvette whut? CAPTAIN WHUT?" throughout the movie. I think the best thing about the movie was that it motivated me to watch TOS and TNG again.

Brother: Man I want to be just like Captain Kirk.
Me: Which one?
Brother: this new guy- man he gets laid and he gets to be a Captain. He is so badass.
Me: I spent the movie wanting to Vulcan death grip his ass.

It would be a lot of fun to MST this movie. A LOT of fun.

I went to go see this movie with my trekkie mom (she's probably the reason why I'm so nerdy, it's genetic) and her trekker boyfriend. I spend the whole movie thinking about qauntum physics.

I enjoyed it, even though I haven't dived into the extreme nerdiness that is the Star Trek fandom.

That's odd, it's totally not an Academy film. All of the Academy shots are as follows:

Kirk dry humping green chick
Kirk spying on Uhura undressing
They sit in a class room and are scrambled to the hangars
Kirk, McCoy and Uhura bitch and manipulate their way onto the Enterprise
Academy cadets and faculty react to Giant Space Drill Beam hitting the Earth
Kirk instantly graduates and becomes Captain of the Enterprise.

This movie was JJ Abrams' Gary Stu badfic.

I loved it. The whole thing.

Penguin wrote:

I went in knowing that much, but this just brought it to a whole new level. I don't even know why they bothered with ranks.

I think Wesley Crusher was an "acting ensign" when they put him in charge of driving the entire ship.

If anything, Starfleet in this movie represents Roddenberry's schitzo vision of the future of space exploration better than anything else produced in the past fifteen years.

I liked it, but maybe my crush on Zachary Quinto caused me to be biased.

Nihilist wrote:

I think the best thing about the movie was that it motivated me to watch TOS and TNG again.

I haven't seen Star Trek XI yet, and probably won't until it comes out on DVD, but I can relate to this feeling. All the hype back in May did less to make me want to see it than it did make me nostalgic for the early movies of the series, which were the first Star Trek things I saw ever.

I'm still trying to save up the $80 I need to get one of those Polar Lights 1/350 Refit model kits.

Trioculus wrote:

Nihilist wrote:

I think the best thing about the movie was that it motivated me to watch TOS and TNG again.

I haven't seen Star Trek XI yet, and probably won't until it comes out on DVD, but I can relate to this feeling. All the hype back in May did less to make me want to see it than it did make me nostalgic for the early movies of the series, which were the first Star Trek things I saw ever.

I'm still trying to save up the $80 I need to get one of those Polar Lights 1/350 Refit model kits.

It's $62 on Amazon. I'd love to have one myself.

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