Things You've Learned from Badfic

Lady Anne wrote:

Cactus Wren wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

The only goal a woman should have in life (besides finding her twu wuv) is being the mother of as many romantically conceived babies as possible, preferably born in litters of three or more.

And no GOOD woman ever, ever in her entire life says "I don't want to have a baby". Or even "I don't want to get pregnant RIGHT NOW -- I hope to have kids someday, but this is not a good time." (This, sadly, is not limited to badfic. I actually dealt with a woman who genuinely could not understand how any woman could ever possibly not want to be pregnant. Her argument was that pregnancy was FUN because you got to -- her phrase -- "eat like a pig" and wear "really cute clothes with teddy bears and ribbons on them" and "pick out cute baby clothes and shop for the baby", and besides perfect strangers walk up and pat your stomach! How wonderful is that?!)

Huh. I've done all those things--eat like a pig, wear really cute clothes with teddy bears and ribbons on them, and pick out cute baby clothes and shop for the baby--without ever being pregnant. The occasional feast does the soul good, ribbons look amazing on some garments (though I'll admit that I don't voluntarily wear things with teddy bears--not my style), and I can pick out cute baby clothes and shop for my sisters' babies. Oh, and I've had total strangers come up, touch my stomach, and ask when the baby's due--and I don't appreciate it. I'm plump, not pregnant, and even if I was pregnant, keep your hands to yourself unless I give you permission to touch.

And as pleasant as large meals and shopping and ribbons are, they most assuredly would not be adequate compensation for a pregnancy ONE NEVER WANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

The only goal a woman should have in life (besides finding her twu wuv) is being the mother of as many romantically conceived babies as possible, preferably born in litters of three or more.

Which are never born prematurely (never mind that the more babies you're carrying, the more likely you are to deliver early), or with any problems/disabilities as a direct result of trying to fit too many kids into a limited amount of space. I was only pregnant with twins, and I STILL suffered constant sickness the first four months (I actually lost 20 lbs and ended up in the hospital on IVs for a couple of weeks). They were born a month early due to pre-eclampsia, and despite weighing 5'lbs 14 oz. and 6 lb. 14 oz., they had all sorts of problems feeding and basically non-existent immune systems, which resulted in them spending the first nine months of their life in the hospital, because all someone had to do was sneeze on them, and they promptly came down with pneumonia (they also had asthma, though that didn't become obvious till later).

Human females were not designed to give birth to 'litters' of children. My sons had to be fed every two hours the first month of their life till a nurse at the hospital realized they needed preemie nipples (they were large for preemies, but their sucking reflex still wasn't fully developed).

Oh, lord. I'm thinking of that awful X-Men:Evolution fic about the dectuplets. As I pointed out in my review, both Bobbi McCaughey and Nkem Chukwu were confined to bed with their cervixes (cervices?) sewn shut for the last weeks of their pregnancies, to keep the fetuses from falling out.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Unfortunately, since a disproportionate amount of fanfic writers are young girls who've likely never been pregnant, they view babies as being like dolls-something you can play with and dress up when you're interested, and then put away and go about your regular business when something more important comes up. They fail to realize that once you have a child, you thereafter HAVE A CHILD, and it's likely going to take up most of your available time till it's old enough to start pre-school. And if you've got three or four babies at once, you damn well better have a lot of help or a family you can fall back on.

I like to say, "A baby will be a baby for a year or two, but you'll be a mother for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."

ObThingsI'veLearnedFromBadfic: ALL multiple births are natural. They have to be, because on Planet Badfic there's no such thing as infertility. (More's the pity, but I digress.)

The age of consent is 10 and sex with pokemon does not constitute animal abuse. At age ten, most trainers can enjoy anal sex on the first try.

V3N0M wrote:

sex with pokemon does not constitute animal abuse.

...

It's a game series about pitting animals in fights against each other. We can pretty safely throw any and all qualms about animal abuse out the window.

Penguin wrote:

V3N0M wrote:

sex with pokemon does not constitute animal abuse.

...

It's a game series about pitting animals in fights against each other. We can pretty safely throw any and all qualms about animal abuse out the window.

Ok, sex with pokemon does not constitute a crime against nature.

The only appropriate response to losing your true love is to mourn for the rest of your life. If you ever fall in love again (or even like someone), you're betraying your true love.

Lady Anne wrote:

The only appropriate response to losing your true love is to mourn for the rest of your life. If you ever fall in love again (or even like someone), you're betraying your true love.

The correct term for the first person you have a crush on in high school -- or junior high or even grade school -- is "soul mate".

This is not limited to fanfiction, but I've learnt that studying oriental martial arts for about 2 years makes you a master of combat, and able to defeat any foe.

It doesn't matter how much experience you have of actually fighting, or that you're not used to the adrenaline and the panic of a real life situation in which someone is actually trying to hurt, or even kill you, and that your only combat experience is safe, controlled sparring; oriental martial arts - and ONLY oriental martial arts - makes you a combat master (because western martial arts just aren't good enough )

Also, the more martial arts you know, the better. Because as we all know, they're all so different, to the point where moves executed by one martial art cannot be countered by defences from a different martial art, making it necessary to know several.

Cactus Wren wrote:

The correct term for the first person you have a crush on in high school -- or junior high or even grade school -- is "soul mate".

This is the person you are intended to marry and have babies with, and if you're foolish enough to date/marry anyone else, you will be totally miserable until you realize that all you need to complete you is your 'soul mate.'

Rabid Badger wrote:

Cactus Wren wrote:

The correct term for the first person you have a crush on in high school -- or junior high or even grade school -- is "soul mate".

This is the person you are intended to marry and have babies with, and if you're foolish enough to date/marry anyone else, you will be totally miserable until you realize that all you need to complete you is your 'soul mate.'

On that note, you will know immediately if someone is your soul mate, and it doesn't matter if they're an opposing social class/culture/gang/nationality/family/species. All the good people will know it's true love and support you, and anyone who goes "wait a minute" is evil and trying to destroy your twu wuv for the lulz.

Also, mutual suicide so that you'll never be parted is romantic. So is giving up everything you've ever known, including but not limited to family, friends, culture, country, and wealth for your soul mate. If one partner dies, the other must have the person's baby so they'll always have part of them with them (this is especially true if the surviving partner is the woman in a heterosexual pairing or a man in a homosexual pairing--biology? What's that?)

Lady Anne wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Cactus Wren wrote:

The correct term for the first person you have a crush on in high school -- or junior high or even grade school -- is "soul mate".

This is the person you are intended to marry and have babies with, and if you're foolish enough to date/marry anyone else, you will be totally miserable until you realize that all you need to complete you is your 'soul mate.'

On that note, you will know immediately if someone is your soul mate, and it doesn't matter if they're an opposing social class/culture/gang/nationality/family/species.

Now that was just begging for me to notice...

In furry badfic, there is not the slightest explanation for how one species can have babies with another species.

My best explanation for all the Sonic/Sally babies (and that sort of thing) is generally "They're all Mobians, and what we percieve as different species is actually one species with a real variety on fur-styles/colours, and that's why half of them are freaks, or maybe it's just like with the way a whole shitton of the big cats can breed together to make Ligers and Jaguleps." But if you're writing a badfic, there's really no need to even reflect on that. Or, for that matter, does it seem necessary to explain in the comics...

Speaking of Sonic The Hedgehog:

If there are parallel versions of canon which contradict each other, you can mix and match them at will. You don't need to pick one and stick to it, or even inform the reader what elements you're borrowing.

Also, Exodia has only one leg to stand on and her argument would work better if the fic wasn't Alternate Universe.

Men can have babies.

GeorgeUK wrote:

Men can have babies.

Glad the kids in the back of the class have finally caught up with the rest of us.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Also, Exodia has only one leg to stand on and her argument would work better if the fic wasn't Alternate Universe.

Why so defensive?

Getting back on subject.

You don't need to work to make a living. All you have to do is walk around and participate in inane, creepy shit and your bank account will fill up like a cheap hooker at a frat party.

The average penis is 12 inches long. Also, a real man can have sex seven or eight times in one night.

If you beat up someone (and I mean literally beat up, by the way) simply for disliking your favorite character, everyone will sympathise with you, unless they are EVIL!!!

People who aren't obviously evil or stupid are just as easy to convert to your way of life as those in Jack Chick tracts, and those who aren't are EVIL!!!

The only reason why your favorite characters don't think the way you do about the world is because of a traumatic event that happened in their lives, possibly one that you completely made up. Nothing your original character can't fix, of course.

Are you a twin? Your twin is your significant other. Especially if you're both female. And hot.

Is everyone in the military unit you're writing about (or almost everyone, anyway) a man (which, during WWII, would almost certainly be the case)? Then they're all gay. With eachother.

If a Nazi kills your entire family, then that means that he is in love with you. Note that this only applies if the Nazi in question is hot.

The best way to troll a fan community is to rip off of "My Immortal." It is a very original idea, and people will admire your cleverness.

Teenage boys can maintain erections for ridiculously extended periods.

dracowaltztard wrote:

Are you a twin? Your twin is your significant other. Especially if you're both female. And hot.

Dunno, I keep seeing a lot of male, too.

It's okay to kill off major characters just because you don't like them.

Take note; I'm not saying you shouldn't kill off major characters, just that you should do it for a damn good reason. Good drama. A plot point. Chekov's Death. Not simply because you hate them.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

It's okay to kill off major characters just because you don't like them.

Take note; I'm not saying you shouldn't kill off major characters, just that you should do it for a damn good reason. Good drama. A plot point. Chekov's Death. Not simply because you hate them.

In Mad Men people disappear for no reason all the time.

Nihilist wrote:

In Mad Men people disappear for no reason all the time.

That's known sloppy writing. I forget the soap opera my Grandmother used to watch where the son of a major couple went upstairs one day to get his skies because he was going off for the weekend with his friends and was never seen (or mentioned) again. He'd decided he wanted to leave the show, but apparently, they couldn't even be bothered to give him a realistic exit.

Twenty-some years later, during a plot line that involved a woman being locked in the same family's attic, she stumbled across his skeleton. They never bothered to explain THAT either.