Things You've Learned from Badfic

Sometimes reading badfic can be quite...educational. I've learned some really remarkable things from this form of "literature".

For example:

Twins are always identical, even if they're the opposite sex.

Thirteen-year-olds can bamf into any fandom and outfight canon combatants with years of experience.

Sex always causes pregnancy, especially if it's between two men.

Once you find twu wub, you'll never be attracted to anyone else ever again.

Everyone listened to 21st century music in the 1970's.

-Rape is only rape if it's done by an antagonist or designated scapegoat that the "author" uses to create tragedy/angst. Otherwise, it's pre-emptive love.

-People will entirely change personality because of Shrodingers Cat.

-Spel-Chk? Whats' thot?

unskilled78 wrote:

-People will entirely change personality because of Shrodingers Cat.

I'm trying to figure out what you mean by this, and I just can't.

Yes, I know what Shrodinger's Cat is. I don't know how it applies here.

Everyone is gay.
EVERYONE.

Everyone is kinky, too.

Childhood abuse is always healed by sex.

Nothing bad ever comes from being in a relationship with a coworker.

All aliens, no matter how different their physiology, have human genitalia.

The average penis size is ten inches. Well-endowed is 13.

Men ejaculate cupfulls, if not gallons at the time.

Men can ejaculate said gallons five times in a row. When the supply of semen dwindles, they can still come roughly four times more. Before they come, their balls grow 'rock hard', which seems kind of painful to me, but hey, who am I to dispute the wisdom of fanbrats?

All men (and women, too) moan loudly during sex. Most scream when they climax. Probing a nipple with tongue or finger is enough to make anyone melt in helpless lust.

Women have no problem having sex for hours on end. They don't get sore, and if they do, it's always a 'pleasant kind of soreness'.

Virgins always bleed on their first time.

When in the throes of passion, people are no longer able to speak coherently, let alone joke and have conversations. Sex rules all other operations.

Orgasms last about a minute, sometimes five.

Condoms are never available, and highly frowned upon if mentioned at all.

And for something totally different...

When characters in fanfic are afflicted with fever, they immediately fall unconscious and can do nothing but sweat, moan, and hallucinate. But that's ok. Because the twu wub likes nothing better than to sit next to the poor person's bed, take care and lament.

kleine_kat wrote:

Men can ejaculate said gallons five times in a row.

...and don't die from dehydration.

grmblfjx wrote:

kleine_kat wrote:

Men can ejaculate said gallons five times in a row.

...and don't die from dehydration.

Or collapse like an empty balloon.

Men can go at it for hours without losing their erection.
Bisexuality doesn't exist.
Most men are gay, but very few lesbians exist.
No matter where you are or what the situation is, you will have sex. Even if you're half dead and lost in the woods in the middle of nowhere, if you are with another person, you will have sex. If you are alone, you will remember all the great sex you had with your tru wub, who will then rescue you and have sex with you before getting you to a hospital.
It is impossible to be just friends with someone.
Nobody is surprised that a man is pregnant.
Vaginas are evil. They only get in the way of the men having sex.
You don't need lube.
If you feel you need lube, blood will do.

The most important thing I have learned:

- the anus is self lubricating.

Other things:

- Giving attitude to your boss/superior office is seen as spunky and won't get you in trouble
- There's always a way around military rules
- you don't need to shower after sex
- or change the bedsheets
- if you have children they will never walk in at the wrong moment

Everyone has a long lost daughter/son/brother/sister/twin.

There is always a good twin and evil twin.

Jane Smith from Whitebread, USA is next in line for the throne in England/Sweden/Monaco.

Rape = Twu wuv

Nobody will ever walk in on you while you're having sex in your office, even if you didn't bother to lock the door or close the blinds.

Every time you have sex, it will be absolutely fantastic and mind-blowing.

A little necrophelia never hurt anyone.

Blond guys invariably get raped at some point.

Trent Reznor wrote no songs other than "Closer" and "Hurt" (yes, I'm bitter about this, I'm a huge fan and if songfics must be written I wish they'd pick a few different songs sometimes).

If a character can teleport, it's not abnormal enough to be worth mentioning before the third chapter and no other characters will be surprised when he does, even if nobody in canon can do it.

The inside of the vagina and rectum are larger than the outside of the entire body, therefore they can contain anything without causing severe damage, and I mean ANYTHING.

chelonianmobile wrote:

Blond guys invariably get raped at some point.

This goes double if the hair happens to be long. Further to this, they will cry copious amounts about their rape.

They are also likely to get pregnant.

It is socially acceptable for a 24-year-old woman of independant means to wear t-shirts with phrases like, 'Take a picture, it lasts longer' or '99% Devil' on them.

Narwhal wrote:

It is socially acceptable for a 24-year-old woman of independant means to wear t-shirts with phrases like, 'Take a picture, it lasts longer' or '99% Devil' on them.

Hang on, is this thread "Things I Learned From Visiting Essex"?

*Being in True Love gives you priority over everyone else, as well as makes you more mature and emotionally superior.
*Fictional characters make the perfect mouthpieces for your personal beliefs.
*Every dangerous situation must involve rape or almost-rape, no exceptions. Even if your captor is a little kid, a bear, or an old guy who probably can't get it up anymore.
*In order to make absolutely sure your pairing will work, bashing and demonizing and even killing off the rivals is absolutely vital. Conversely, in order to make sure your least favorite pairing will never work out, you must paint it as emotionally unhealthy and dysfunctional, or hammer the point home that those two are FRIENDS AND NOTHING MORE!!!!oneoneone
*Everyone wants to know exactly what the characters order in resturaunts, right down to the little details on the side of the main dish.
*A panther is capable of impregnating a human male.
*The human anus has arteries in it, and said arteries are capable of being severed by a human penis.
*Fat people are perfectly acceptable targets and exist only to be made fun of on every page. Same goes for mentally ill characters, unless you're using mental illness as a plot device for your OTP.
*It's okay to write characters OOC if True Love is involved.
*All lesbian relationships must be preceeded by a heterosexual one gone sour, possibly even involving rape or abuse.
*Crying is always done prettily or at least never messily. Snot and puffy eyes and a scrunchy red face take away from the meaningful angst, after all!
*Sex makes babies. Always. The more hot, steamy, passionate and wild the event, the more likely it is to end in a baby. Bonus points if the heroine or the uke insists they must hide it from their lover.
*The only way to prevent suicide is for a character's One True Love to come and stop them by proclaiming their undying love, followed by makeouts.
*Sex is the cure for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING.
*90% of parents and step-parents in fictionland are oppressive, abusive tyrants who just want to control their kids and make them miserable for fun. And 50% of these parents raped or molested their kids at some point.

If you ever date anyone other than your twu wub, you're cheating on them, even if you haven't met them yet.

If you disagree with your twu wub, it means you don't really love them.

Any pairing besides the OTP is teh ebul.

Giving birth to litters is romantic--the bigger, the better.

People you met two days ago will give you vast sums of money because they like you. They'll also invite you to live with them.

Sex is evil, except with your twu luv.

Parents jump for joy upon learning their teenage daughter is pregnant. If they don't, they're meen and ebul and good for teh angst.

* Nobody ever uses pain-suppressants when giving birth. It's far more fun to write an agonising labour scene.

-If someone annoys you, that means you're destined to be with them.

-Any given person is a potential sex partner for any other given person. Hatred, sexual orientation, the barriers between universes, and other similar obstructions mean nothing.

-The more powers a character has, the cooler she is. There is no limit to this. Omnipotence on the part of the protagonist makes for interesting, dramatic stories.

Lady Anne wrote:

If you ever date anyone other than your twu wub, you're cheating on them, even if you haven't met them yet.

If you disagree with your twu wub, it means you don't really love them.

Any pairing besides the OTP is teh ebul.

Sex is evil, except with your twu luv.

Parents jump for joy upon learning their teenage daughter is pregnant. If they don't, they're meen and ebul and good for teh angst.

These sound like "Things I Learned From Reading Twilight". :D

Keith Fraser wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

If you ever date anyone other than your twu wub, you're cheating on them, even if you haven't met them yet.

If you disagree with your twu wub, it means you don't really love them.

Any pairing besides the OTP is teh ebul.

Sex is evil, except with your twu luv.

Parents jump for joy upon learning their teenage daughter is pregnant. If they don't, they're meen and ebul and good for teh angst.

These sound like "Things I Learned From Reading Twilight". :D

It makes me wonder if S. Meyer is one of those fanbrats who gives reviews that say "Squee! I luv dis ship! Rite moar!"

Considering she's allegedly a Cassandra Claire fan, there's no wonder about it, really.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

* Nobody ever uses pain-suppressants when giving birth. It's far more fun to write an agonising labour scene.

Women always scream during labour. They don't just grunt or keep silent.

When males have ass babies, it is not at all uncommon for erections to appear, and combining the birth with an orgasm or two.

A job, no matter how important (and considering fanfic characters rarely have financial troubles those jobs are pretty well paid, and must, therefore, be of some importance) will take up roughly an hour per day. Days last forever. Unless the story takes place at work, nothing of significance ever happens at the office--mainly because prince charming is a katana-wielding Russian ninja, and spends even less time working for his money than the charming heroine.

Teenage Sues never have a part time job at the local super but are given all those expensive gothic outfits by their doting parents--whether those parents are dead or abusing her or jobless drunks.

Cutting is cool! Looking like a tramp is hot! Being severely underweight is TEH ATTRAKTAVE! Chubby or fat people are evil, stupid and unworthy of life, let alone sympathy. Being rude and mean is sassy.

Vulcans are not inhibited, they're either perfect politicians (in that they use loads of words but never say anything of importance), or they're emos in disguise.

Men cry much more often than twelve year old girls.

If you grab a man in the crotch, he'll be instantly aroused and not at all troubled.

All men are delighted when their best friends are gay--because they have been gay all their life, too, even when they're happily married and have children they adore.

kleine_kat wrote:

All men are delighted when their best friends are gay--because they have been gay all their life, too, even when they're happily married and have children they adore.

Either delighted, or so horrified they need to abandon, abuse or possibly attempt to kill said friend. Never quietly confused, slightly uncomfortable or nonchalant about the matter.

Addendum to "all blond men get raped at some point": unless said blond man is Lucius Malfoy. I'm sure it's happened multiple times somewhere in the fandom, I've just never seen it.

Spelling doesn't matter. If you can't spell a particular word, everyone will still know what you mean and not be confused or amused at all if you just use the nearest word you can think of. "Masturbating" and "masticating" are interchangeable, as are "ministrations" and "menstruations", or "confiscated" and "constipated".