Things You've Learned from Badfic

littledorrit wrote:

Observation: a year ago I was tearing Hitlerslash to pieces over here, and Hitlerslash deserved it. However, I've changed my mind about whether gay!High Command could ever work. I now think it could, if a writer better than I did it one way and one way only - as dark satire. Not poignant romance, not porn, not light comedy - dark satire. Maybe a portrait of Himmler and Goebbels falling in claustrophobic, dysfunctional quasi-love, much to their infinite horror, amidst a backdrop of Nazi hypocrisy, decadence, and madness, a literalized alternate history of the most weirdly homoerotic regime to ever persecute gays.

That actually sounds like a fucking fantastic read. There has to be plenty of repressed!gayness though....Now I desperately want to read that.

Lady Anne wrote:

A woman can't survive without a husband, even if she's got a successful career, lots of money, and/or lots of talent. She needs a husband, preferably her twu luv, but if he's not around, any guy will do.

She may have the career, the money AND the talent all in one, but she still can't experience true fulfillment until she's got a dick inside her. It all comes back to sex.

There are always vampires.

And not far behind are the werewolves...

And they all want to bang and/or eat the same human chick. (Sadly, something badfic has learned from professional works).

Anything that takes the form of a wolf or even just has a tail is a werewolf. That whole full moon thing? Yeah, that's nonsense.

And silver. Don't forget about silver.

karmyn31 wrote:

Bisexuality doesn't exist.

Actually, it seems like EVERYBODY is bisexual.

Philosophically if everybody is bisexual, nobody is.

Still, it sure opens up your options. No offense meant. I have characters be bisexual when the plot demands it, not just so that they have more fucking options.

But I'll add this - an awful lot of people find out that they are gay mid-life. I don't get that. Sure, it happens. But for ten years you've been banging women and suddenly a guy jumps you from behind a tree and gives you good old 'surprise sex' and you're gay?

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Philosophically if everybody is bisexual, nobody is.

Still, it sure opens up your options. No offense meant. I have characters be bisexual when the plot demands it, not just so that they have more fucking options.

But I'll add this - an awful lot of people find out that they are gay mid-life. I don't get that. Sure, it happens. But for ten years you've been banging women and suddenly a guy jumps you from behind a tree and gives you good old 'surprise sex' and you're gay?

Wow, Harley. Just when I thought you couldn't get any more offensive "without meaning to be", you get worse.

Maximilia wrote:

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Philosophically if everybody is bisexual, nobody is.

Still, it sure opens up your options. No offense meant. I have characters be bisexual when the plot demands it, not just so that they have more fucking options.

But I'll add this - an awful lot of people find out that they are gay mid-life. I don't get that. Sure, it happens. But for ten years you've been banging women and suddenly a guy jumps you from behind a tree and gives you good old 'surprise sex' and you're gay?

Wow, Harley. Just when I thought you couldn't get any more offensive "without meaning to be", you get worse.

I swear to gawd, she wants me to hit her. It's the only explanation.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

But I'll add this - an awful lot of people find out that they are gay mid-life. I don't get that. Sure, it happens. But for ten years you've been banging women and suddenly a guy jumps you from behind a tree and gives you good old 'surprise sex' and you're gay?

There are many factors actually. Fear, the way they were raised, and denial are only a few. Say they were raised in a religious family right? They may fear the consequences and in turn deny their attraction towards the same sex. Throw in the fact that there's still very little tolerance and acceptance for homosexuals even the 21st century, then you'll see that it's not all that abnormal. It's not so much as not knowing, it's more deny it.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

But for ten years you've been banging women and suddenly a guy jumps you from behind a tree and gives you good old 'surprise sex' and you're gay?

So, uh, any of the ladies here want ten minutes alone with Harley and a tent peg?

Assuming Harley is straight, anyway.

Sutremaine wrote:

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

But for ten years you've been banging women and suddenly a guy jumps you from behind a tree and gives you good old 'surprise sex' and you're gay?

So, uh, any of the ladies here want ten minutes alone with Harley and a tent peg?

Assuming Harley is straight, anyway.

I'll take you up on that. A good tent peg to the head is just what she needs to knock some sense into--

What?

IT GOES WHERE?

Never mind.

The only goal a woman should have in life (besides finding her twu wuv) is being the mother of as many romantically conceived babies as possible, preferably born in litters of three or more.

Religious views in fanfickia:

- Character to whom religious questions have never, ever occurred
- Fundamentalist author avatar
- Fundamentalist straw man for atheist author to attack throughout the story

What, you mean people can be moderately religious or have complex religious views? DAMNED LIES!

Owlish wrote:

Sex never hurts or is unpleasant in any way if the person really truly loves you...especially when they have a super gigantic doom!cock and you're a VIRGIN.

I beg to differ. If you're a virgin and he has a super gigantic doomcock, you'll suffer incredible agony simultaneously with an earth shattering orgasm.

Lady Anne wrote:

The only goal a woman should have in life (besides finding her twu wuv) is being the mother of as many romantically conceived babies as possible, preferably born in litters of three or more.

And no GOOD woman ever, ever in her entire life says "I don't want to have a baby". Or even "I don't want to get pregnant RIGHT NOW -- I hope to have kids someday, but this is not a good time." (This, sadly, is not limited to badfic. I actually dealt with a woman who genuinely could not understand how any woman could ever possibly not want to be pregnant. Her argument was that pregnancy was FUN because you got to -- her phrase -- "eat like a pig" and wear "really cute clothes with teddy bears and ribbons on them" and "pick out cute baby clothes and shop for the baby", and besides perfect strangers walk up and pat your stomach! How wonderful is that?!)

Cactus Wren wrote:

Owlish wrote:

Sex never hurts or is unpleasant in any way if the person really truly loves you...especially when they have a super gigantic doom!cock and you're a VIRGIN.

I beg to differ. If you're a virgin and he has a super gigantic doomcock, you'll suffer incredible agony simultaneously with an earth shattering orgasm.

I've read published novels where a girl loses her virginity, bleeds heavily for several days, and suffers no ill effects because of this. In real life, not all women bleed when they lose their virginity, and for those who do, it usually stops fairly quickly due to this little thing called clotting, which a healthy body does with all injuries to prevent the person from bleeding to death.

Cactus Wren wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

The only goal a woman should have in life (besides finding her twu wuv) is being the mother of as many romantically conceived babies as possible, preferably born in litters of three or more.

And no GOOD woman ever, ever in her entire life says "I don't want to have a baby". Or even "I don't want to get pregnant RIGHT NOW -- I hope to have kids someday, but this is not a good time." (This, sadly, is not limited to badfic. I actually dealt with a woman who genuinely could not understand how any woman could ever possibly not want to be pregnant. Her argument was that pregnancy was FUN because you got to -- her phrase -- "eat like a pig" and wear "really cute clothes with teddy bears and ribbons on them" and "pick out cute baby clothes and shop for the baby", and besides perfect strangers walk up and pat your stomach! How wonderful is that?!)

Huh. I've done all those things--eat like a pig, wear really cute clothes with teddy bears and ribbons on them, and pick out cute baby clothes and shop for the baby--without ever being pregnant. The occasional feast does the soul good, ribbons look amazing on some garments (though I'll admit that I don't voluntarily wear things with teddy bears--not my style), and I can pick out cute baby clothes and shop for my sisters' babies. Oh, and I've had total strangers come up, touch my stomach, and ask when the baby's due--and I don't appreciate it. I'm plump, not pregnant, and even if I was pregnant, keep your hands to yourself unless I give you permission to touch.

littledorrit wrote:

Religious views in fanfickia:

- Character to whom religious questions have never, ever occurred
- Fundamentalist author avatar
- Fundamentalist straw man for atheist author to attack throughout the story

What, you mean people can be moderately religious or have complex religious views? DAMNED LIES!

I've seen all those things in fanfics, though I've also seen a few that took a thoughtful look at religion. I've met people in real life who act like those characters in bad religious fics--people who claim they've never questioned anything (but who get really uncomfortable if you press them for details), fundies who think their religious view is absolutely right and anyone who doesn't agree is absolutely wrong, and atheists who act just like fundies, except against religion instead of for a particular religious viewpoint. I try to avoid talking to these folks about their views regarding religion because they drive me nuts.

LA, you're correct about the odd fic handling religion well. However, we're talking about badfic, right?

Lady Anne wrote:

The only goal a woman should have in life (besides finding her twu wuv) is being the mother of as many romantically conceived babies as possible, preferably born in litters of three or more.

Which are never born prematurely (never mind that the more babies you're carrying, the more likely you are to deliver early), or with any problems/disabilities as a direct result of trying to fit too many kids into a limited amount of space. I was only pregnant with twins, and I STILL suffered constant sickness the first four months (I actually lost 20 lbs and ended up in the hospital on IVs for a couple of weeks). They were born a month early due to pre-eclampsia, and despite weighing 5'lbs 14 oz. and 6 lb. 14 oz., they had all sorts of problems feeding and basically non-existent immune systems, which resulted in them spending the first nine months of their life in the hospital, because all someone had to do was sneeze on them, and they promptly came down with pneumonia (they also had asthma, though that didn't become obvious till later).

Human females were not designed to give birth to 'litters' of children. My sons had to be fed every two hours the first month of their life till a nurse at the hospital realized they needed preemie nipples (they were large for preemies, but their sucking reflex still wasn't fully developed).

Unfortunately, since a disproportionate amount of fanfic writers are young girls who've likely never been pregnant, they view babies as being like dolls-something you can play with and dress up when you're interested, and then put away and go about your regular business when something more important comes up. They fail to realize that once you have a child, you thereafter HAVE A CHILD, and it's likely going to take up most of your available time till it's old enough to start pre-school. And if you've got three or four babies at once, you damn well better have a lot of help or a family you can fall back on.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Unfortunately, since a disproportionate amount of fanfic writers are young girls who've likely never been pregnant, they view babies as being like dolls-something you can play with and dress up when you're interested, and then put away and go about your regular business when something more important comes up. They fail to realize that once you have a child, you thereafter HAVE A CHILD, and it's likely going to take up most of your available time till it's old enough to start pre-school. And if you've got three or four babies at once, you damn well better have a lot of help or a family you can fall back on.

It's not just fanfic authors who think like that. It's an entire substratum of teenage girls, only a fraction of whom write fanfic. Intentional (intentional for the girl, NOT the babydaddy) pregnancies were common at my two high schools. The reasoning usually involved babies being soooo cuuuute and having a baby being the ultimate expression of the love between them and their mortified boyfriends, but even more questionable ideas came up from time to time:

1. One girl got pregnant because she didn't want to have periods. She kept the baby and dropped out. Presumably her menstrual cycle has returned to normal.
2. Another actually got herself knocked up just to show everyone "what pro-life means." That is, she wanted to get pregnant just so she could show her moral superiority to her classmates by keeping the baby ("So many girls have abortions at [high school] - there are literally, literally, literally rivers of baby blood in the hallways. I have to set a good example.") Her parents mysteriously removed her from school when she was just short of five months along. Word has it the baby was given up for adoption and the girl is in and out of both Christian inpatient counseling and secular mental hospitals, but I heard that through a very long grapevine.
3. In a similarly depressing case, a known cutter got pregnant because she reportedly wanted someone around who would love her unconditionally. Since I graduated shortly after she and everyone else got the news, I don't know what happened to her.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

littledorrit wrote:

1. One girl got pregnant because she didn't want to have periods. She kept the baby and dropped out. Presumably her menstrual cycle has returned to normal.

I guess no one told her that constantly taking birth control pills (without the week's worth of placebos) will stop periods.

Some people have problems, and can be sympathised with. Others, are just stupid.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Philosophically if everybody is bisexual, nobody is.

Still, it sure opens up your options. No offense meant. I have characters be bisexual when the plot demands it, not just so that they have more fucking options.

But I'll add this - an awful lot of people find out that they are gay mid-life. I don't get that. Sure, it happens. But for ten years you've been banging women and suddenly a guy jumps you from behind a tree and gives you good old 'surprise sex' and you're gay?

That's certainly what some people in power seem to think.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Some people have problems, and can be sympathised with. Others, are just stupid.

Lady Anne wrote:

I've read published novels where a girl loses her virginity, bleeds heavily for several days, and suffers no ill effects because of this. In real life, not all women bleed when they lose their virginity, and for those who do, it usually stops fairly quickly due to this little thing called clotting, which a healthy body does with all injuries to prevent the person from bleeding to death.

Which reminds me of The Bell Jar. The protagonist loses her virginity in what must be the most depressing sex scene ever and bleeds copious amounds of blood. If I remember correctly, it nearly kills her. At least it has severe consequences and she needs treatment.

But that's Sylvia Plath for ya, I suppose.