Things You've Learned from Badfic

Multiple kitchens? The closest anybody gets to multiple kitchens is in having a part of the kitchen dedicated to making meals for the servants. Which they don't do because generally the servants cook their meals AFTER they've cooked for their employers. IN THE SAME KITCHEN.

Having multiple kitchens is on the same line as having multiple bathrooms - wait, people actually DO that. But while you can have multiple ovens in a kitchen, you don't have multiple baths in a bathroom.

Sorsa A. Jänis wrote:

Fairlight wrote:

ZoZo wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

4. It doesn't rain in England.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Presumably this was from someone who believed that all the Brits do is attend garden parties, drink tea and go "What". Therefore completely neglecting the fact that we have 56 words for "rain".

That is an unexpected one, I always thought we were so famous for having rain that people think it rains much more here than it actually does.

At least I had lived in an impression that it's always raining there and at least it's foggy.

Pretty much. There's also three beautifully sunny days, randomly occurring at some point between April and October that we call "summer".

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Multiple kitchens? The closest anybody gets to multiple kitchens is in having a part of the kitchen dedicated to making meals for the servants. Which they don't do because generally the servants cook their meals AFTER they've cooked for their employers. IN THE SAME KITCHEN.

Having multiple kitchens is on the same line as having multiple bathrooms - wait, people actually DO that. But while you can have multiple ovens in a kitchen, you don't have multiple baths in a bathroom.

I have seven kitchens, thank you very much - one for each strata of our noble class system. Allowing their food to mingle could cause disaster - the lower classes would think that they're better than they really are and anarchy would ensue. My abode is outfitted with an extra kitchen solely for the use of the Queen when she vacations here. Everything inside it is gold encrusted and I keep it locked except for when servants need to cook her meal. No blackamoors are allowed within fifty feet of it for fear of contaminating Her Royal Highness' meal.

Lady Anne wrote:

4. It doesn't rain in England.

Lulz. Although... being from Washington, it took other people bitching about the rain for me to notice, even when out working on the flight line. But it does seem a touch colder here.

Penguin wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

4. It doesn't rain in England.

Lulz. Although... being from Washington, it took other people bitching about the rain for me to notice, even when out working on the flight line. But it does seem a touch colder here.

Really? It's been positively balmy for the last few days. I only needed to wear a cardigan today!

Baron Chuddlington III wrote:

No blackamoors are allowed within fifty feet of it for fear of contaminating Her Royal Highness' meal.

How uncouth of you! Everyone knows that the Queen is Her Majesty, and it is princes and princesses who are addressed as "Your Highness".

It doesn't matter how badly the marriage is failing, how much the couple hate each other, or if they're both having affairs. The minute the wife gets pregnant, the couple will immediately fall into twu wub again.

This hardly ever works in real life. I know a few kids who were conceived via these circumstances, and what generally happened was that the parents ended up divorcing anyway, they just waited till the kid was two or three, and they spent the rest of their lives being shuttled back and forth between their mom and dad.

ZoZo wrote:

Penguin wrote:

Lady Anne wrote:

4. It doesn't rain in England.

Lulz. Although... being from Washington, it took other people bitching about the rain for me to notice, even when out working on the flight line. But it does seem a touch colder here.

Really? It's been positively balmy for the last few days. I only needed to wear a cardigan today!

I just realized my sense of temperature has been thrown off from working after dark.

Little Egypt wrote:

I live close to a building made entirely as a holiday home for Prince Regent a couple of hundred years ago, the Pavillion in Brighton, England. I've been in there on a tour and I can promise you that, despite the opulence of the place, there is only one kitchen.

But it IS bigger than my apartment.

Quote :

Also, we have been getting long droughts in the UK for about 10 years. So the 'doesn't rain' thing isn't too far from the truth.

I understand it rains less in Brighton than elsewhere.

ZoZo wrote:

There's also three beautifully sunny days, randomly occurring at some point between April and October that we call "summer".

My boyfriend, going to school in England, was given a book that pretended to be an encyclopedia on British things.

The entry for "summer" was:

"Usually a wednesday."

Anyone who stands in the way of the favored ship is evil. This is especially true if the OTP contains a Sue.

grmblfjx wrote:

My boyfriend, going to school in England, was given a book that pretended to be an encyclopedia on British things.

The entry for "summer" was:

"Usually a wednesday."

That is so, so true. Because if it was on a weekend, we might actually be able to enjoy it, but somehow that never happens.

There was one year (it might have been 1991) where, as far as I can remember, 'summer' was three unexpectedly warm weeks in February. The rest of the year sucked - it was grey and dull throughout, but there was a hosepipe ban because it didn't actually rain.

Lexin wrote:

grmblfjx wrote:

My boyfriend, going to school in England, was given a book that pretended to be an encyclopedia on British things.

The entry for "summer" was:

"Usually a wednesday."

That is so, so true. Because if it was on a weekend, we might actually be able to enjoy it, but somehow that never happens.

There was one year (it might have been 1991) where, as far as I can remember, 'summer' was three unexpectedly warm weeks in February. The rest of the year sucked - it was grey and dull throughout, but there was a hosepipe ban because it didn't actually rain.

I love the south and your hosepipe bans, because even if the north is behind is everything at least we never have to ration water.

True love doesn't come about over a number of dates, a matter of weeks, or having anything in common. It is caused by two people having a fierce argument, then gazing into each other's eyes and deciding they want to have sex.

So it's not really true love. More like 'true sex'.

This works sometimes. But the only time you can make a cliche work is when you add something new to it. And Badfics don't do that.

All fandoms need help from Twilight. Therefore, everyone wants to read crossovers between Twilight and everything else. Hence the almost 6,000 Twilight crossovers at the Pit.

Lady Anne wrote:

All fandoms need help from Twilight. Therefore, everyone wants to read crossovers between Twilight and everything else. Hence the almost 6,000 Twilight crossovers at the Pit.

Oh Christ, now my mind's reeling off a list. Twilight/WH40K ("In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only sparkles.")? Twilight/MtG (Planeswalker sparks sparkle)? Twilight/Mass Effect?

If someone from 2010 is tranported back in time to the 16th century, is only wearing modern clothes, and is only speaking modern English, then everybody will automatically trust that person and try to help him/her (and possibly fall in love with him/her). If they don't, they're evil.

Ron Weasley is evil. Ginny Weasley is a slut. Hermione Granger is a helpless female or a slut. Alternately, they are all evil and Harry is the only good person in the entire Wizarding World.

Stalking is love. So is pedophilia and rape. (Why yes, I was thinking of Twilight. Why do you ask?)

"I can change him, momma." With almost no actual problems and no help from counseling or medication.

gaijinguy wrote:

Twilight/WH40K ("In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only sparkles.")?

IIRC, it's been done. Also IIRC, the entire Twilight cast was purged by the Inquisition.

Penguin wrote:

gaijinguy wrote:

Twilight/WH40K ("In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only sparkles.")?

IIRC, it's been done. Also IIRC, the entire Twilight cast was purged by the Inquisition.

Links, or it didn't happen.

I haz links, because I wrote the crossover outline/prologue in question (unless Penguin is thinking of another one):

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Quote :

Imperial Communique 1337-47-666-BBQ
Action Report: Exploration and Liberation of "Meyer's World"

Inquisitorial support was requested following the discovery of an
early-industrial stage human colony in star system WTF-1471 by
exploratory vessel "Twilight", captained by Rogue Trader Robertus
Pattinz. The fourth planet in the system, provisionally designated
"Meyer's World" after the ship's Navigator (currently under
interrogation for suspected daemonic contamination), was found to
harbour a population of some six billion humans. Trade negotiations
with the world's leaders were hampered by its disunity, but proved
fruitful. However, when several of the vessel's junior officers went on
a hunting expedition in the northern region of the smaller of the
planet's two main landmasses, they encountered daemonic creatures
capable of passing as human when not in direct sunlight. On discovering
the inhuman nature of these entities, the officers naturally attempted
to destroy them. Two of these vigilant servants of the Emperor lost
their lives in the ensuing battle, but the daemonic "family" resident
in the area was eradicated and one of their human thralls taken into
custody.

On being appraised of this situation by Captain Pattinz, I made haste
to System WTF-1471 via Inquisitorial courier ship. Interrogation of the
captured thrall, a young female who believed herself to be romantically
involved with one of these creatures, revealed that a large number of
sthem existed among the world's population, sustaining themselves on
human blood and converting humans into more of their own kind. These
"vampires" (connections with other similarly designated warp entities
can only be hypothesized about) were governed by a secret cabal
possessed of considerable sorcerous powers.

Having determined and verified (through covert investigations among the
world's population) the nature and scale of the threat, I took the step
of requesting assistance from the Grey Knights. While awaiting the
arrival of the strike cruiser Foe-Hammer
from Titan under Brother-Captain Stern, I chose to liaise with segments
of Meyer's World's political leadership, all of whom were shocked and
disgusted to learn of the daemonic threat in their midst. The Grey
Knights' operations against the vampires could therefore be carried out
with local support and with minimal need for discretion or subtlety.

I am pleased to report that the Grey Knights, as always, performed
their duty with exemplary zeal. Brother-Captain Stern personally led a
teleport assault on the lair of the "Volturi" (the vampire leadership).
The daemons' sorcery was ineffective against the shield of the Grey
Knights' faith, and all those within their hideout were slaughtered,
with two Grey Knight battle-brothers giving their lives to ensure
victory. The Volturi's records were then used to identify prominent
vampire "hunting grounds", within which auguries and telepathic scans
were used to locate each and every vampire, which was duly put down by
a Grey Knight squad. Within four weeks the planet was cleansed of the
vampire threat, and negotiations begun to admit the world to the
Imperium with popular support (galvanized by the sight of the inhuman
warp-predators openly attacking humans as they sought to escape the
Grey Knights and battling them in the streets).

The Emperor Protects.

Inquisitor Thande
Ordo Malleus

At some point I may write the full story.

mluckw wrote:

Ron Weasley is evil. Ginny Weasley is a slut. Hermione Granger is a helpless female or a slut. Alternately, they are all evil and Draco Malfoy is the only good person in the entire Wizarding World.

Fixed that for you.

Trioculus wrote:

mluckw wrote:

Ron Weasley is evil. Ginny Weasley is a slut. Hermione Granger is a helpless female or a slut. Alternately, they are all evil and Draco Malfoy is the only good person in the entire Wizarding World.

Fixed that for you.

Maybe it should be Tom Riddle instead.

Hmm...now I want a story where Voldemort and the Death Eaters are good and Harry and Co. are bad.

I've seen at least one fic that's done that. I'll see if I can dig it up.

Crazy people appear sane until they start telling you about their ebul plan. At that point, they start drooling.

What I've learned:

-All attractive men wear boxers.

-All attractive women wear thongs or cute little lacy panties.

-Adult men will fall in love with and have sex with 15 year-old Mary Sues even though they could go to prison for it. They don't consider that because it's twu wuv.

-Any character is capable of raping any other character. No matter what.

I read a Bleach fanfic where Ichigo was raping Hitsugaya. Hitsugaya can beat the smack out of Ichigo. So, I can't imagine that Ichigo would be able to successfully rape Hitsugaya like he did in this fanfic.

Ya-u wrote:

-Any character is capable of raping any other character. No matter what.

I read a Bleach fanfic where Ichigo was raping Hitsugaya. Hitsugaya can beat the smack out of Ichigo. So, I can't imagine that Ichigo would be able to successfully rape Hitsugaya like he did in this fanfic.

Tricky one. The writers in Bleach are completely incapable of getting the relative strength thing consistent, so there are huge swathes of canon where Ichigo at full strength should be more than capable of raping Hitsugaya, even if canon gives us evidence to the contrary.