Things You've Learned from Badfic

Oh, Cunovendus, that martial arts thing is so damn true. Also that it's possible to get to a black belt and still think it's 'marshall arts'.

I have learned that every male celebrity on Earth, when asked if he's ever been with a man before, will simply nod. All of them. The only exceptions are the few who respond with a weak quip and then take out of their bedside table drawer the lube they just happened to have there.

Hahaha, yeah it might be true insofar as you are a "black belt in Wakidakayakido", but it doesn't make you into an expert fighter who can defeat anyone who attacks you - at least not in the real world. In Fanfiction World, however...

Actually it does in Hollywood World as well - except there it usually takes exactly three attempts to learn every move, and the less time you have to train, the better you are (provided you have a training montage video). In Fanfiction World, being part oriental is usually enough.

Kevin M wrote:

Physical abuse is just another way of saying "I love you".

Oh God, this. Someone recently showed me a bandom fic in which one person is blind and the other is not and they secretly have the hots for each other, but it takes them their entire teenage years (or something) to figure it out- and how do they figure it out? By the blind guy saying something spiteful and THE OTHER GUY HITTING HIM. IN THE FACE. REPEATEDLY. A BLIND GUY. WHO CAN'T SEE IT COMING. No, sure, that's romantic.

Braigwen wrote:

I learned that sex can restore a person's faith in their creator.

They forgive their parents?

It is impossible for two men to have a close friendship without being sexually involved. This goes doubly so if they're twins, brothers, or one of them is married.

It also spills over into real life, where two actors who play brothers or male friends with a very close relationship are also obviously sexually involved. Even moreso if they're both married and have kids.

Summercorn wrote:

Mouse wrote:

That's my thought too, along with at least neither of them are pregnant. Not yet anyways.

Badfic's basically killed my standards.

Careful what you wish for, Mouse.

Quote :

"I'm carrying your son, you giant hammer-wielding idiot!" Loki yelled before whimpering in pain, turning to puke on the marbled floor.

To be fair, if we're talking the Norse mythology, there is canonical precedent for Loki being able to get knocked up. Somehow I have a feeling that isn't true of the Marvel version, though.

Thor isn't a Stallion. Not literally, anyway.

Mouse wrote:

Summercorn wrote:

Mouse wrote:

That's my thought too, along with at least neither of them are pregnant. Not yet anyways.

Badfic's basically killed my standards.

Careful what you wish for, Mouse.

Quote :

"I'm carrying your son, you giant hammer-wielding idiot!" Loki yelled before whimpering in pain, turning to puke on the marbled floor.

To be fair, if we're talking the Norse mythology, there is canonical precedent for Loki being able to get knocked up. Somehow I have a feeling that isn't true of the Marvel version, though.

Um, that was by a horse so I dearly hope not....

And expanding on what others have said about actors getting it on, this also holds if the characters in the show are children and playing siblings. Need proof? Just check the Tv. Tropes page for Wizards of Waverly Place (And then scrub your eyes with steel wool.)

"I'm married to my work" means "I will fuck anything in trousers, including my brother."

(Yes, Sherlock fandom, I'm talking to you.)

If someone offers you a cupcake, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and don't look back.

If you admit your work sucks and you don't know where your story is going plot wise, post it anyway because there will be hundreds of people who have never heard of any good literature who will read your drivel and think it on par with Tolkien's works.

Braigwen wrote:

If you admit your work sucks and you don't know where your story is going plot wise, post it anyway because there will be hundreds of people who have never heard of any good literature who will read your drivel and think it on par with Tolkien's works.

And along that same vein, refusing to post additional chapters until you get a required amount of good reviews will guarantee a positive result!

In addition, all bad reviews are simply flames, and can be ignored.

Quote :

In addition, all bad reviews are simply flames, and can be ignored.

Or, they are simply jealous of how fabulous your story/writing is.

These have probably all been said, but I feel the need to rant tonight:

-When all women lose their virginity, it hurts for about two seconds, and then it's FANTASTIC. (Just, no.)
-The deeper the penetration, the better it feels!
-All women can orgasm all the time, with very little effort from anyone involved! (I wish)
-Every partner always knows how to make a woman climax on the first attempt at intercourse! (I've had partners never be able to do this....)
-I NEVER read about condom use, but this is still a popular BC method for some! Shouldn't we be educating people that they'll get pregnant without something???
-Actually, I never read about anyone on BC, yet people only get pregnant when it fits the woobified plot perfectly.
-When you give birth, you look gorgeous.
-When you're pregnant, you have a beautiful "glow" and immediately bond with the new spirit inside you. Rather than growing chin hair and developing acne, and various other maladies I've heard are common.
-There's no such thing as post-partum depression! Babies fix lives, people!
-Again, babies fix, not dissolve, marriages.
-A rapist will stay with you to raise the baby because he discovers he now loves you.
-Fight scenes and arguments are only in ff as foreplay.
-Men only appear to be brutes, but if you reach them in the right way, they are all sensitive and sweet, and basically women on the inside.
-All people are homophobic and are out to stop the love of the same-sex Sues/Stus.
-Okay and maybe this is just me, but I HATE when people describe a kissing scene in which one partner licks the other's lips. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT, IT'S JUST SLOPPY AND GROSS! This is not a smooth move!
-There are multiple people out there jerking off to descriptions of clothing and makeup...otherwise why would there be so many long and needless ones?

When writing about a love scene between two people of different species, not to mention different chiralities, it's tote's cool to have no protection involved. Because implications couldn't be more pleasant!

Also, when describing the sexual anatomy of said alien species, instead of finding the closest terrestrial analog, use something that is as near vomit inducing as you can get for TEH Maximum Smexehness-ness!!!

Interestingly, you're more likely to see condom usage mentioned in slash fanfic than het. I think a lot of people look at condoms as a means of preventing the spread of STDs, but forget. they're also a reliable method of birth control, as long as you use them consistently. My ex and I had to use condoms, because even the lowest dosage of the pill messed up my hormones so bad I did nothing but cry non-stop.

Also, I'd be interested in knowing if the idea is still prevelent that using condoms to prevent pregnancy is somehow 'dirty' because it means you're planning on having sex. That was a very common thing among girls when I was in high school. It was like they believed that if they could trick their body into thinking they weren't planning on having sex, it would somehow magically keep them from getting pregnant.

True love is the only thing that matters. Saving your family/city/planet/galaxy/universe/multiverse from evil? Doesn't matter. All that matters is finding your true love and having lots of babies with them.

Also, if a woman has a career, a goal, a dream, etc., she'll give it all up to marry her true love and become a housewife, because once you have love, you don't want anything else.

Oh if a heroine gets knocked up during a period she's fighting a war to keep the demon legions of hell from taking over the planet, she won't dream of getting an abortion. TEH KEWT BABEE!!1111 matters so much more than the billions who will die if the bad guy wins. In fact, abortions as a general rule don't exist and everyone will lecture you on their wrongness, even if they're from an alien world and this is the first time they've ever heard of one.

And I realize now I'll launch a never-ending abortion thread. I regret nothing.

Mouse wrote:

Oh if a heroine gets knocked up during a period she's fighting a war to keep the demon legions of hell from taking over the planet, she won't dream of getting an abortion. TEH KEWT BABEE!!1111 matters so much more than the billions who will die if the bad guy wins. In fact, abortions as a general rule don't exist and everyone will lecture you on their wrongness, even if they're from an alien world and this is the first time they've ever heard of one.

And I realize now I'll launch a never-ending abortion thread. I regret nothing.

Yep, teh kewt babee is more important than anything, even when the demons taking over the planet will also kill and eat mother and child, making the decision to keep the baby irrelevant.

textrix wrote:

-Okay and maybe this is just me, but I HATE when people describe a kissing scene in which one partner licks the other's lips. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT, IT'S JUST SLOPPY AND GROSS!

As long as the writer doesn't go into detail about the saliva it's not really a problem. Kissing is less sloppy than sex, after all.

Paris is in Australia.

Causing grievous bodily harm to another person is FUCKING HILARIOUS and if you aren't 100% ok with irreparable harm done to you in the name of fun, you are a horrible person.

Hypoglycemia is a chronic illness that must be carefully controlled, rather than a temporary state of having low blood sugar levels that can be treated by eating sweets or drinking something like orange juice.

Anon wrote:

Hypoglycemia is a chronic illness that must be carefully controlled, rather than a temporary state of having low blood sugar levels that can be treated by eating sweets or drinking something like orange juice.

Conversely, people who are diabetics can eat anything they want and never have to take insulin or oral medications to keep their blood sugar under control. I once read a fanfic-can't remember the fandom-where the Suethor was supposedly a diabetic, but ate sugary candy with impunity and never once checked her blood sugar levels or went into a coma from ketoacidosis. Coming from a family where both Type 1 and Two Diabetes are common, I found this hard to believe.

Did her diabetes have any role in the story?

KJM wrote:

Did her diabetes have any role in the story?

Not really. I think it was just the 'bad thing' that Suethors have to have to make us feel sorry for them, given that it in no way impacted her life, and was only mentioned if the plot felt she was in need of sympathy.