Things You've Learned from Badfic

rae wrote:

chelonianmobile wrote:

If you have an identical twin, you are doomed to be the focus of incest, sibling rivalry over love of a Sue, or attack by identical twin Sues.

All this business reminds me; I was thinking of creating a character who embodies all the traits fangirls usually look for and giving him a twist which would make them hate him. From what we have on this list so far, I'd say a thin blond young man with an identical Evil Twin (TM) sounds the best bet.

Given the sorts of things fangirls go for, what could you do to make them all hate him?

Have it turn out that both twins are really girls? It worked with Akito.

Well, I was going to have at least the Fangirl Bait boy turn out to really be FTM. (Obviously that means he couldn't have an *identical* twin as such, because the twin would either be a biological boy and therefore a similar-looking fraternal twin, or a girl whom everyone assumed was a similar-looking fraternal twin.) Few people are more misogynistic or ignorant of how gender dysphoria actually works than your average fan-dumb member, so I could potentially string them along for the whole book(s) and then watch as they scream in horror when their latest masturbatory-fantasy target turns out to still be an icky girl, anatomically speaking.

I'm surprised nobody's mentioned these so far:
- 90% of the time, ther person being raped will decide that s/he "Wanted it anyway."
- No matter how powerful or experienced a warrior is, s/he can easily be subdued if the motivation for subduing him/her is rape.
- A tentacle beast can subdue a whole planet of people, as long as its motivation is rape.

quamp wrote:

I'm surprised nobody's mentioned these so far:
- 90% of the time, ther person being raped will decide that s/he "Wanted it anyway."
- No matter how powerful or experienced a warrior is, s/he can easily be subdued if the motivation for subduing him/her is rape.
- A tentacle beast can subdue a whole planet of people, as long as its motivation is rape.

Also, rape almost always leads to twu wub.

And the best way to make a woman realize her potential sexuality is to rape her. Gang rape works best.

chelonianmobile wrote:

Well, I was going to have at least the Fangirl Bait boy turn out to really be FTM. (Obviously that means he couldn't have an *identical* twin as such, because the twin would either be a biological boy and therefore a similar-looking fraternal twin, or a girl whom everyone assumed was a similar-looking fraternal twin.) Few people are more misogynistic or ignorant of how gender dysphoria actually works than your average fan-dumb member, so I could potentially string them along for the whole book(s) and then watch as they scream in horror when their latest masturbatory-fantasy target turns out to still be an icky girl, anatomically speaking.

I would love you forever. <3


Though I remember as a young fanbrat and one of the characters I loved dearly turned out to be a girl. All I remember is being vaguely disappointed because the character was suddenly not as cool. Not because she was a female, mind you, it was because she went from being a fairly capable individual to being a girlie-girl whining about how her hair was too flat. e__e And she wasn't FTM, she was just doing the classic HURR HURR NO ONE WILL NOTICE MY BREASTS.

The trauma of rape is also best healed by sex.

I suppose that's a little bit like homeopathy.

ZoZo wrote:

The trauma of rape is also best healed by sex.

I suppose that's a little bit like homeopathy.

But if the rapist is nice to your afterwards, is very attractive and has romantic feelings for the rapee, said rape becomes an expression of love.

Kind of like how a racist comment is not bigotted if you use the pharse "I'm not a racist but...". Sort of.

I wonder if anyone's ever done something with that and Stockholm Syndrome. Only, you know, done it like, as in "Holy hell this is some sick, sick shit" not "Stockholm Syndrome is the path to True Love!" I think Harley tried for the latter.

Penguin wrote:

I wonder if anyone's ever done something with that and Stockholm Syndrome. Only, you know, done it like, as in "Holy hell this is some sick, sick shit" not "Stockholm Syndrome is the path to True Love!" I think Harley tried for the latter.

I've honestly never seen Stockholm Syndrome written well. When it does come close, I tend to find it rather narmy.

Making somebody drunk so they will find you sexy and have sex with you is absolutely nothing like slipping date-rape drugs into somebody's drink. And nobody ever regrets it afterwards; it just turns out that they just needed a quick one-night-stand to realise how much they really love each other.

Quadratus wrote:

Penguin wrote:

I wonder if anyone's ever done something with that and Stockholm Syndrome. Only, you know, done it like, as in "Holy hell this is some sick, sick shit" not "Stockholm Syndrome is the path to True Love!" I think Harley tried for the latter.

I've honestly never seen Stockholm Syndrome written well. When it does come close, I tend to find it rather narmy.

It probably isn't possible to do, just one of those things that doesn't really translate well to writing.

KGarrett wrote:

Quadratus wrote:

Penguin wrote:

I wonder if anyone's ever done something with that and Stockholm Syndrome. Only, you know, done it like, as in "Holy hell this is some sick, sick shit" not "Stockholm Syndrome is the path to True Love!" I think Harley tried for the latter.

I've honestly never seen Stockholm Syndrome written well. When it does come close, I tend to find it rather narmy.

It probably isn't possible to do, just one of those things that doesn't really translate well to writing.

I guess it's very hard for me to degest that someone became utterly devoted to their capture in a very short peroid of time. It happens in real life, but it's so to hard for me to get my mind wrapped around the concept. I wrote an original fic where the goody two shoe hero get kiddnapped by the villian and slowly. The entire fic took place over a peroid of a year and the hero became the villians lover/elite mook after 5 months of breaking down their pyche. Hero could control people's mentally so they had a strong mind.

I have learned that no matter the size difference between two lovers, a man can take 'a bundle of lubricated cables' the circumference of a champagne bottle up his ass and have both parties screaming for more.

Bad timing only applies to the bad guys.

You never slip and fall during soaped up sex in the shower.

And if she really loves you, she will find some way of making her cervix intangible so you can bury your full length in her.

Gyro's Grillz wrote:

Kind of like how a racist comment is not bigotted if you use the pharse "I'm not a racist but...". Sort of.

I'm now imagining someone going "I'm not a rapist, but...SURPRISE!"

* Fisting only hurts for a little while. Then it feels good.

Fisting ALL hurts (unless you've got a rubber vagina/ass) but some people like it that way. For god's sake look at the size of your fist compared to the size of where it's gonna go.

* If you slip and fall during soaped up sex, you don't knock yourself out on the surrounding stuff.

* Everybody orgasms. And women gush.

Just because you didn't orgasm doesn't mean it's not good sex.

Mythandariel wrote:

I have learned that no matter the size difference between two lovers, a man can take 'a bundle of lubricated cables' the circumference of a champagne bottle up his ass and have both parties screaming for more.

Bad timing only applies to the bad guys.

You never slip and fall during soaped up sex in the shower.

Furthermore, having sex in the shower is a breeze. Anyone can do it, even people who are fairly heavy and have a really small shower, or couples where one's very tall and the other one's short. The size of the shower is never an issue, because fanfic showers, like the TARDIS, are bigger on the inside.

I once wrote a fanfic in which the couples attempt to have sex in the shower ended with them trying to explain to the ER doctor how one of them managed to break his arm when he slipped in the bathtub, and wasn't it a good thing his friend was there to help him? It remains one of my favorite stories to this day.

Anything even remotely liquid makes an excellent personal lubricant, up to and including glue. (This has been mentioned twice on Fanficrants. I hope they were talking about the same fic. I quote the response of an LJer: "OW MY PENIS. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PENIS AND YET OW MY PENIS.")

-Characterization and plot progression are secondary to getting all your OTPs in bed together.

-When writing a villain redemption fic, it's perfectly acceptable to demonize all the heroes and neutral parties and kill them all off for their misdeeds without a thought. It doesn't make you a hypocrite, or anything.

-The Power of Love and/or Friendship only applies to your OTPs. Everyone else is screwed.

-In order for your romance fic to be truly romantic, someone must be in the way of it. If there is no canon character that would seem like an immediate threat, take any other character and FORCE them in the way! Remember, characterization comes second to sex!

-If your OTPs are slash, there needs to be a designated homophobe to threaten them. If there is none, any random character will do.

-The only ladyfriends gay guys have is an author self insert. 'Cause we all know the author's Mary Sue would never dream of coming in between them. (On the other hand, I've never seen lesbians with guyfriends in fanfic.)

-Homophobes are always evil, Leviticus-quoting bible-thumpers or jealous bitches. They're never people who just feel awkward around homosexuals. And they never think their homophobia is a problem, or try to get over it.

-Is half your OTP already in a relationship? Then make that other person abusive. It's the best way to break up that nasty, evil pairing and get your OTP together!

-Have a pairing you dislike that has nothing to do with your OTP, but still want to get rid of it? Force it into the way of your OTP! Now you can have them snuffed out! Hooray!

-Bisexuality only exists when the author's Mary Sue/Gary Stu wants to be in a threesome with their slash/femmeslash OTP.

-Break-ups are never civil.

-If two people have a crush on the same person, they MUST fight to the death. Friendly rivalry or finding someone else never happens.

-What do the bad guys do when they're not out trying to conquer the world? Are they making new plans? Are they trying to recover from their recent defeat? Are they sitting around playing video games? NO! They're having wild orgies all the time!

-Fetuses aren't just self-aware in the womb...they know when they're being insulted and cast magic spells at the offending person in retaliation!

-Any animal can be crossed with any other animal, reguardless of class, order, phyla, etc. Like chocobos and humans, cats and foxes, frogs and raccoon dogs, etc. And they're always healthy, and never horribly deformed or wracked with genetic diseases.

-Same goes for aliens. They can always have children with humans.

-Infertility and sterility don't exist.

-It's not slavery if the oppressed sapient race isn't human.

-Anuses have hymens.

-All sex is similar to human sex, i.e. penetration. Even robots have humanoid sex via USB cables. All other forms of sex are figments of your imagination. And asexual reproduction is just a myth. (THE MITOSIS IS A LIE.)

-Want to write a fic about your favorite character? Make you you make them the most badass thing in the universe! It totally doesn't make them a Mary Sue or anything - Sue status ONLY apply to OCs!

KGarrett wrote:

Quadratus wrote:

Penguin wrote:

I wonder if anyone's ever done something with that and Stockholm Syndrome. Only, you know, done it like, as in "Holy hell this is some sick, sick shit" not "Stockholm Syndrome is the path to True Love!" I think Harley tried for the latter.

I've honestly never seen Stockholm Syndrome written well. When it does come close, I tend to find it rather narmy.

It probably isn't possible to do, just one of those things that doesn't really translate well to writing.

I have seen it written well, but it went veeeerrrry sloooowllly, in the course of nearly two years in-story and almost a hundred chapters.


On topic: The Thesaurus is your friend! The readers really crave to know how wonderfully shiny, sparkling and glistening your Sue's hair is, and the exact shade of her eyes! The story is about you, afterall.

All the cool (14-year-old) people shop at Hot Topic.

Don't bother with spellcheck, correct grammar, or that your sentences make any sense at all. All those 'rules' and crap that your English teacher tried to force on you are just their to limit your growth as a writer. They want to hold you back from truly expressing yourself! Thus, make free with the made-up words, nonsensical metaphors, spelling trainwrecks, and nightmarish grammar. If people don't like it, they don't have to read it.

If people don't like it, they shouldn't be reading it.  Even if you give them no clues as to what the story's actually about.

On a related note, "review" is just another word for "unconditional praise."

Roo wrote:

On a related note, "review" is just another word for "unconditional praise."

And if, by some chance, someone tries to give you advice about certain points in your writing, it's not an attempt to be helpful and give you pointers, it's flaming.

And if by some strange chance that no one understands what the hell your story is about, they should all be able to read your mind and pluck its meaning from your brain.

And if you want to write one word and it comes out as another word, by virtue of you using it they both mean the same thing.

Dictionaries do not exist.

The Thesaurus is one of those hybrid creatures from Napoleon Dynamite.

-Loose and lose are the same word.

-There's a "My Immortal" fic for every fandom. EVERY. FANDOM. Hell, even Earthbound had one.

-(Fullmetal Alchemist)chimera transmutation is painless and and leads to super-kawaii catgirls/boys! Those silly chimera transmutations never lead to cases like Nina! Ever!

-One-sided conversations in author's notes are always, ALWAYS awesome.

-(Evangelion) Killing the entire world's population of living things will either make you horny or long for making your own family.

-(JTHM) Johnny is a hopeless romantic and will fall for just about anyone. Even you, oh glorious Joan Rivers look-a-like.

(Every fandom ever) All men ever are either hypermasculine heteronormative jerkasses who abuse their girlfriends, or clingy, weepy whiny ukes who are terrified of vagina.

Cutting is cool! It gets you attention and sympathy! No one ever does it for any other reason, such as to cause an endorphin rush and block out emotional pain. there is no actual danger involved in this; exsangiunation isn't a real thing you can die of. And razorblades are self-sterilizing! Any and all pathogens on them are immediately destroyed when the blade is put away.

((A thought: Screw needles; can HIV/HEP-any be trasmitted by sharing razors for cutting? Plotbunnies breeding...))

Highschool settings are awesome, particularly when the characters in your fandom are all long since past the highschool-age, and/or such things don't actually exist in canon. Pooh on those authors, ruining your totally-not-cliched-in-the-least fun with their boring canon-writing!