The Badfic Contest to End All Badfic Contests (EXTENDED TO SEPT 1)

Kinda sucks that I can't really think of a way to ruin this for everyone. If anything would prove my trolling ability, it'd be successfully trolling the would-be trolls.

I'm already in tears laughing at the profiles and the contest hasn't even started yet!

I, by the way, am xXforbiddenlongingXx ^^

I am hard at work to grace the internet with an angsty AU Twilight fic. in which the roles are reversed - Bella is the vampire, and Edward is the new student who has moved to Forks (he and the other Cullens have moved to get away from Carlisle, who performed Horrific Non-Canon Abuse on Edward). They are both goffic.

I am loving this contest, even though I'm pretty sure Nihilist has already spanked me with the Twilight/Trek'09 crossover.

Fantastic. I am confident in my ability to turn out steaming piles of crap. I will be joining in the near future.

Fitchsticks wrote:

I am hard at work to grace the internet with an angsty AU Twilight fic. in which the roles are reversed - Bella is the vampire, and Edward is the new student who has moved to Forks

OMFSM, you read my mind! I was thinking that was an obvious Twilight badfic choice just yesterday!

Here, for your disgust/edification, is a sample of my first chapter:

Quote :

The Ninja, The Samurai and The Geisha
by Firebreathing Ninja From Space!

Chapter 1: The Geisha and the Samurai

“He's late,” Hermione breathed as she looked anxiously out of the door to the Geisha house.

“Don't worry dear, I'm sure he'll be here soon.” Molly, the owner, said reassuringly, placing a motherly hand on her shoulder. “What man could stay away from you for long?” She tucked back a strand of Hermione's sleek, waist-length chocolate hair.

“What if he's hurt?” asked Hermione miserably. “They said there were sounds of fighting at the castle last night.” A single tear slipped down her ivory cheek at the thought.

“Harry Potter? Hurt?” Molly scoffed laughingly. “He's Shogun Dumbledore's personal champion, the best in the land with the sword and with magic. No harm will have come to him, you can be sure of that. Now you go and get yourself ready, dear – it wouldn't do to show Harry-sama that you'd been crying.”

“Hai.” Hermione walked daintily to her room, careful not to step on the hem of her elaborate pale-blue kimono. She knelt down before her mirror and gently dabbed the tearstains from her face with a damp cloth, before touching up her makeup. She was always careful to look perfect before a customer arrived, but only Harry made her really want to do it – him and one other, who she refused to think of tonight. He made her feel like an innocent maiden in love every time she saw him, not a whore.

Kay guys, I added some things to the first post. Go read it!

Quote :

“Harry Potter? Hurt?” Molly scoffed laughingly. “He's Shogun Dumbledore's personal champion

:D

I am xXxAnGeLkIsSeSxXx, but have yet to upload anything.

Okay, I haven't written anything yet, but I went ahead and made an account, and I have a rough idea of what I want to do, SO...

ff.net username: kawaiikutie047
Fandom: Harry Potter
Tropes: MPREG, Horrific NonCanon Childhood Abuse, Seme/Uke, and probably more that I'm still toying with

Harry, physically and sexually abused by did-you-people-even-read-the-book!Vernon, flees to Malfoy Manor, where a horrified and utterly OOC Draco takes him in for the summer. ONCE AT SCHOOL, a prophecy is revealed that requires Harry and Draco have a child for inexplicable, handwave-y reasons. MUCH ANGST ENSUES, Harry is much-woobified, Ginny is bashed, and Draco's random Japanese Mary-Sue cousin acts as a sage mentor for the struggling couple, and constantly throws out plagiarized and/or painfully juvenile one-liners that only a fifteen-year-old could think were witty.

Something like that.

ZoZo wrote:

OK, I am totally in!

FF.net Username: BadWolf1995

Fandom: Doctor Who

Tropes: Secret Baby, MPREG, Diary Style Narrative, Eating Disorders

I think my Doctor Who fanbrat will favourite yours.

FF.net Username: ToRcHwOoD14
Fandom: Doctor Who.
Tropes:
Character X is Inexplicably a Vampire/Werewolf.
Mates/Mating Season.
Seme/Uke.
(Plus, I've created my own trademark; every noun is capitalised. - I want to see if anyone corrects me on it.)

I'm writing a Vampire and Werewolf thing with a pregnant Rose and seme/uke Jack and Ianto as vampire hunters.

I think the first chapter's come out too obvious as a fake so I'm going to re-do it.

Aw, you inserted Sonic the Hedgehog AND Transformers. It's like you WANT me to join.

Well, it's a while since I've done a Sonic fic, and I've never DELIBERATELY written badfic before. I'll put my Jason/OC fic on hold for a bit. Ah, I know what to do...

FF.Net Username: baggypants
Fandom: Sonic the Hedgehog
Pairing: Sonic/Shadow (man, how can you NOT write badfic with that pairing)
Tropes: Rape Is Love/Thin Line Between Love And Hate/Conniving Ex/MPreg

Plot: Sonic rapes Shadow (we're ooc already!) Shadow is a pussy and then starts liking it, Shadow gets preggers (and hell, why not throw in some of that old "Super-speed pregnancy" while I'm at it), Amy tries to split them up, and fails, and all is well, ending when Shadow has a particuarly gruesome and poorly researched labour and the baby is named "Sonadow".

I'm incapable of deliberately spelling badly or poor grammar, and since my grammar is usually very good somebody would notice if it was THAT bad. So what I'll do is, I'll turn off my spellcheck and not run it, and not re-read the fic. Or at least, when I do I'll not correct any bad spelling.

This is my chance to show you how to write REAL squee.

I'll get on it tomorrow.

Fairlight wrote:

I'm writing a Vampire and Werewolf thing with a pregnant Rose and seme/uke Jack and Ianto as vampire hunters.

I think the first chapter's come out too obvious as a fake so I'm going to re-do it.

Oh that's splendid. I'm having the same problem with mine, I keep wondering if the writing is just so obviously poor. I mean, would Ianto writing the following in his diary be plausible to fanbrats?

Quote :

May 30th
OH MY GOD. I’m pregnant. I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell him. The TARDIS was surprised, this has never happened before! What if our baby is a freak?

I'm trying to write a Buffy fic in which Buffy cuts, starves herself, and angsts over a bizarre, canon-raping history of abuse. Characters are melodramatic, Willow cries a lot, and at some point Angel is going to cure Buffy's woes by sexing her up.

I'm a little worried about it, though. It's hard to make it bad without going over-the-top, so I'm trying to go in the direction of over-seriousness mixed with implausibility when it comes to the plot--my sock is deeply devoted about writing about serious issues, but writes melodramatic, unrealistic tripe.

Still, I kind of wish I'd gone for a Doctor Who fic, instead. I'm more familiar with the badfic there, and I've seen firsthand how people throw themselves over them.

I don't suppose there's any room to change our minds last minute before we post stuff, is there?

I'm trying to remember all the things in fics that irritate me - the entire lyrics to a song, bad formatting, A/Ns mid-chapter - and I'm gonna be adding them along, along with half a page of lead-up and 3 pages of sex.

Oh gooood, that werewolf fic is hi-larious. I especially like Darien's flowery French surname.

Creating the profile and carefully crafting the persona is almost the best part, as the rest is slowly falling into place. I should have a chapter done by the end of the week.

I have finished chapter one, which is chock full of needless exposition and bits about how awesome Renesmee is. Plus Jacob sekritly being in love with her and a teacher lusting after her .

And now it's time for chapter two and badly-written rape!

Question: Is IC review-whoring allowed? Like "I'll post the next chappie when I get 10 reviews ^_^" or "Should I put a sex scene in? Review and tell me!"

I think it was already agreed that in-story review-whoring is fine.

OK, chappie chapter 1 of "The Ninja, The Samurai And The Geisha" is now done, though I'll go over it one more time and add some more flowery descriptions and gratuitous adjectives/adverbs (I'm taking the Eragon approach of putting an adverb with every verb). I feel dirty for how badly I screwed over Hermione's character.

Also, I had a good laugh at some of the fics people have favourited in their profiles; many of them honestly sound like they could be entries in this contest.

Okay, briefly introduce the vampire concept then drop it completely until the next chapter in favour of mundane Doctor/Rose stuff, including five lines of text to describe Rose's outfit.
I feel I'm off to a good start.

Keith wrote:

OK, chappie chapter 1 of "The Ninja, The Samurai And The Geisha"

Should I assume Hermione is the Geisha?

Quote :

Harry-sama

I have been laughing out loud for the past two minutes and there are TEARS in my eyes oh Jesus

Edited to conform to rules...

Ok...here's mine:

Pen-name: Auto-Knookie
Fandom: Transformers
Paring: Optimus/Mikaela
Tropes: Mates, Rape, Healing!Sex, Secret pregnancy, Miscarriage, Conniving Ex, Twin babies

Summary: Set after the Second Transformers movie.

Chapter 1
Sam and Mikaela start to drift apart because Sam is spending more time at school than talking to her. She is cleaning out her purse one day when she finds the Shard from the Allspark she had stowed in there. She takes it out to look it over and cuts her finger on it and it absorbs into her body. Over the next few months she begins to change from human into Cybertronian. She meets up with Primus (from the original cartoon) and he tells her that it is her destiny to become a new breed of Autobot that can breed like humans can so that their numbers can be restored.

Chapter 2
In an urpled mix of Species and Transformers, Mikaela becomes fully cybertronian. Galloway shits bricks while the Autobots sit and wait.
Meanwhile, since Megatron has a piece of the allspark in him he knows about Mikaela and kidnaps her so that she will breed him a new army. Starscream tries to have a go at her but Megatron puts him in his place because Starscream is a bitch. Megatron rapes Mikaela repeatedly until Optimus rescues her in an Epic!Battle. Mikaela soon finds out that she is pregnant and tries to hide it while she tries to find a way to get rid of it.

Chapter 3
She is starting to flirt a little with Optimus now. Suddenly Megatron
attacks and Mikaela miscarries in a mess of blue energon and scattered
metal parts. She goes into shock and the only way out of it is for
Optimus to seal the bond between them that Primus made.
What follows is badly written syrupy sweet urpled sex where Mikaela comes back to life as Optimus' mate. Then Elita-One (Who was Optimus' girlfriend from the original series) crash lands on earth and is pissed when she sees that her old flame has new arm candy. She gets all buddy buddy with Mikaela then tries tries to sew seeds of doubt in Mikaela's mind by telling her about her relationship with Optimus. Mikaela gets all emotional and decides to leave the Autobots so Optimus can be with who she thinks he loves more, conveniently forgetting that Primus made her his mate.

Chapter 4
Elita tries to comfort Prime but he puts Elita in her place and goes looking for Mikaela. Mysteriously she has found her way to Australia where she is roaming the countryside. She has found out that she is pregnant with Optimus' twins and is convinced that he does not love her anymore. He finds her, and almost convinces her otherwise when Elita shows up and tries get Prime back. Megatron shows up again and another Epic!Battle ensues where both Megatron and Elita are killed and Optimus and Mikaela go home and have more sex.

Chapter 5
8 months later, Mikaela gives birth to the twins and they are two little girls as cute as a button. They cry and act just like little human baby girls and as the last one is born, Mikaela dies. As she dies she can hear Primus' voice saying that she had served her purpose and that she would be waiting for him in the Matrix. When Ratchet hands Prime his two daughters, he notices with some shock that they both look just like Megatron...At which point I will tell the readers to look up, You've been Punked!

What do you think?

EDIT: Story posted!! Mikaela's Destiny

Okay, I got my terrible plot sorted out for my Avatar fic... lots of angst, with Katara and Zuko having issues about how "ugly" they are.

Zuko is a millionaire playboy kicked out of his family’s mansion by his evil father and sister. He moves into a hotel where he meets a maid, Katara. Although she hates him for his lifestyle, she also pities him for the burn on his face and for the way his family treats him. After discovering he is cutting himself, she falls in love and decides to try and make him happy again. Sokka, a bartender, and Toph, a fellow maid, approves. However, Aang, Katara’s ex, discovers the two are dating and becomes jealous, and tries to break up the couple and get Katara to take him back.

Mythandariel wrote:

Ok...here's mine:

*snip*

What do you think?

Awesome; I think you've hit nearly every horrible cliche there is available in that fandom. :wooper:

I'm having immense difficulty writing mine. It's hard for me to write something that makes absolutely no sense.

Aggie wrote:

Mythandariel wrote:

Ok...here's mine:

*snip*

What do you think?

Awesome; I think you've hit nearly every horrible cliche there is available in that fandom. :wooper:

Awww, you've written something for Harley.

Trying to write a fake fic made it too "legolas by laura" so I'm now trying to write as if I really believe in what I'm writing. I hope I don't manage to screw up my writing skills.

Fairlight wrote:

Aggie wrote:

Mythandariel wrote:

Ok...here's mine:

*snip*

What do you think?

Awesome; I think you've hit nearly every horrible cliche there is available in that fandom. :wooper:

Awww, you've written something for Harley.

Actually, I hate human/robot relations. Even when they're both robots. So I'll hate it too.

I have my plot sorted out.

Chapter One:
Sonic rapes Shadow for no reason than he's always loved him. Shadow turns into a pussy and starts crying for a bit, before he decides he actually likes it.

Chapter Two:
Because of Sonic and Shadow's superspeed, it takes one week for Shadow to become four.5 months pregnant. Obviously people notice and Amy who is in this fic evil and hated (unlike the guy who, you know, just committed an act of rape) tries to split them up.

Chapter Three:
They nearly do split up but they don't and have loving PREGNANT SEX.

Chapter Four:
Shadow is now 9 months pregnant in two weeks and he's LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

Chapter Five:
Incredibly poorly researched labour. Vast amounts of squelch. Sonic's song lyrics make all the problems of labour go away. Shadow gives birth to a perfectly healthy assbaby

Chapter Six:
HA! GOTCHA!

Although... I haven't recieved my verification e-mail just yet. And I set up the account last night... so problems may arise.