Jack Chick Case Files #5: Crazy Wolf, or Dances With YAAAAAAH's

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Meet Patchy: Part-time demon, full-time adorable.
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Delcat: Zeiss, I just...I don't know. We do a Santeria tract and Haiti a'splodes. Are you sure we should continue in this venture?
Delcat: I mean, the subject of this next one is a lot closer to home. I live in Casinoland, for God's sake. ...well, the off-brand Midwest version, anyway.
Delcat: Yeah, Michigan is allowed to have casinos for some reason or another. They're all over the place. They have the most obnoxious commercial jingles ever.
Delcat: Really, I think that last part may be passive-aggressive punishment towards the people who wrote this tract.
Zeiss Manifold: Oh, you're not alone in that regard.
Delcat: Yeah, they're trying to punish us. Well, as long as we're doomed to earworm hell, you guys might as well come with us. Tonight's tract is Crazy Wolf, and...well, it's not actually that much different than the Santeria thread. Native Americans practice voodoo, right?
Zeiss Manifold: Voodoo WITH BUFFALO

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: It's an Iggy Pop commemerative plate.
Delcat: "are you ready to rock?"
"Dude, the cord to your mic's clipped."
"Oh shi--"
Delcat: The distinct tonal quality of the mountain is bugging me. Like, the background isn't totally dark, and the figure isn't totally dark, but the mountain is a black fucking hole.
Zeiss Manifold: "I AM KING OF THE TWIZZLERS!"
Delcat: It's like they Sharpied over it with permanent marker because there were naughty bits, like in the encyclopedias of my batshit fundie high school.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Edward S. Curtis's classic The North American Kucinich.
Delcat: So what you're saying here is that Mary wasn't happy with the life that she led, though she was a simple girl without much to say? And one day she just upped and left her dreary home, left all her friends behind to wander all alone?
Delcat: 'Cause really I can't blame her, if all her friends are as unpleasantly androgynous and lopsided as that. And fuck, guys, you know that "unpleasant" and "androgynous" are not common bedfellows in my vocabulary, but DANG.
Zeiss Manifold: When was this tract made again?
Delcat: Oh, something like nineteen-fifty...uh...2010.
Delcat: ...I'm going to assume you have to, like, divide the numerals or add them up or some of that crazy numerology shit that's so hip with the kids these days.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Jack Chick's attempt at drawing Bea Arthur goes horribly wrong.
Delcat: O RLY?
Delcat: Dudley Do-Right has really let himself go.
Zeiss Manifold: It's like the owl really knows how appalling this all is and wants out.
Delcat: I love his expression. The furrowed brows, the twitching earfluff. It's such a complete and total "Yeah, are you HEARING this bullshit?"
Delcat: On the other hand, he could be trying to figure out whether those are mice or if the perspective is fucked. He's tired of making that mistake, believe you me.
Zeiss Manifold: ...I didn't know people still subscribed to the "Indians are radioactive" myth.
Delcat: You know, the radioactive Indian myth would be much more popular if the song "What Makes the Green Man Green?" hadn't been cut from the DVD release of Disney's Peter Pan.
Zeiss Manifold: The sentences in the second panel are all independent of each other.
Delcat: That's a fair assumption, seeing as they refuse to look at each other. They might as well be asking the owl. Hell, I think she IS asking the owl, it's directly on her sight line.
Zeiss Manifold: I think the owl is asking us, the readers, what to make of this.
Delcat: I think that's a resounding "NO WAI!!" on my part.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang
Delcat: oh my God WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT COW.
Zeiss Manifold: It's udderly legless!
Zeiss Manifold: get it udder
Delcat: What's more than that, its head is sticking out of its foreleg, it has a briefcase handle growing out of its ass, and...and the less said about the misplaced leaking human breast, the better.
Zeiss Manifold: It's a Malodrax cow!
Delcat: Didn't the US do a lot of nuclear testing in the southwest? Maybe radioactive Indians AREN'T a myth.
Delcat: Fang has only survived the mutations through sheer awesomeness.
Zeiss Manifold: Fang is the Chick equivalent of Awesome Face.
Delcat: "Okay, I'll get him for you. What should I say?"
"Oh, something along the lines of 'There's a ho in our bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, there's a ho in our bucket, dear Henry, a ho.' This will tell him that there's an unwanted woman in our plantation, or 'bucket', and that he should, say, 'fix it'."
"That's some pretty convoluted code, lady."
"Yeah, but it feels...right, somehow."
Zeiss Manifold: "Ask him if he can stop my face from sliding off my skull, too, that'd be cool."

Spoiler:

Delcat: The Tuxedo Mark method of soulwinning.
Delcat: Seriously though folks, I am just trying desperately not to think of how they got those nail clippings.
Zeiss Manifold: Leathery Indian Joe Don Baker is called on to help.
Zeiss Manifold: He's a human lettuce head!
Delcat: This is the guy Mr. Potato Head looks at when he has self-esteem issues about being too lumpy.
Zeiss Manifold: SPOILER: Mary braves the Double Dare obstacle course, with tragic results.
Delcat: Dang, we both went for the veggie jokes at once. We'd better be careful or we're gonna lapse into tomato puns.
Zeiss Manifold: Now we're just bean corny.
Delcat: Ah ha ha ha, we should probably commit suicide for that one. I'll go first, and you can KETCHUP
Zeiss Manifold: ...Del, I didn't know you were actually Ronald Reagan.
Delcat: He's just my ghostwriter. I keep him in a trapdoor under my desk and poke him with an upholstery needle when I'm at a loss for material.
Delcat: Actually, he doesn't write anything, per se, but I find the quiet moaning noises he makes inspirational.
Delcat: (okay God I don't even know where that came from or where it was going)
Zeiss Manifold: (THE TRACT'S GETTING TO YOU)
Delcat: (I'VE BEEN UP FOR NEARLY 24 HOURS AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THOSE NAIL CLIPPINGS)

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: None of this dialogue jives. It's like someone took the sentences from unrelated tracts and Elmer's-glued them in.
Delcat: Hey, it's the mountain that Mary had been taught her whole life that she must avoid. Perhaps though at first this may hurt, and no one can comfort her, she will finally come to appreciate it.
Zeiss Manifold: You're not going to give up the ghost, are you.
Delcat: We have a mountain. We have a woman named Mary. I am going to ride the Mystic Knights of Oingo Boingo as far as they can possibly carry me through this steaming shitpile.
Delcat: Okay, yeah, I know nothing about this skin walker stuff, but according to Wiki, the reason it doesn't jive is because what they're saying makes no fucking sense.
Zeiss Manifold: He makes it seem like Crazy Wolf is his dorm buddy.
Delcat: According to the article, skinwalkers only use live snakes as charms, so apparently they're dorm buddies too, just kinda chillin' on the rope.
Zeiss Manifold: "Yeah, there's his snakes. Don't pay no mind, he's pretty cool, won't watch, just likes stringing things up is all."
Delcat: "Hey guy, how am I hangin'? Ha ha, that never gets old, does it? No no, go on, go on in, he's waiting. Play some Guitar Hero and smoke a bowl, dude."
Delcat: Incidental Bondage Guy and Incidental Rabbit are having a story all their own here, possibly related to O RLY Owl.
InkWeaver: WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES

(Tries to stop laughing) The Ronald Reagan joke was priceless Del. I could not stop laughing long enough to tell my mom why I was laughing.

Oh wow. I didn't think they'd get to traditional Navajo practices, but looks like they finally did. Looks like this takes place in Shiprock (or Shitrock, as we lovingly called it).

Skinwalkers are bad to run into, though. In lore they don't hang snakes like that- what is this, The Missing? They're kind of like witches/warlocks. They can turn into animals, disappear, and place curses on you. Nasty, nasty curses. How does one become a skinwalker? By doing taboo things like eating dead people, visiting ancient ruins, etc. Being a bad person makes you more likely to become one. They can also mimic voices to lure you out of you home at night, so they can take control of your mind. Maybe even turn you into one of them- a soulless and evil shell of a person. And you never can tell just by looking during the day if someone's a skinwalker. They could be sitting right next to you. When they turn into animals they look like horrific versions of what they've turned into, and can take control of normal humans by jumping into their skin, hence the name "skinwalker".

They come out at night, and you supposedly can tell they're there when it's noisy. Dogs barking for no reason and other odd things you can't figure out? It's them.

I'm just so surprised that Jack Chick went for the Western movie standard of what a skinwalker is like, and could have been far more grotesque.

And how does one protect oneself from skinwalkers? Let's see, I know people who keep medicine bags handy and pray with them, and people who simply pray. To God. Praying with a medicine bag with corn pollen and white ash? To God? BLASPHEMY.

Sorry, I saw how familiar this all was and couldn't resist.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Willow II: Beyond Thunderdome.
Delcat: Man, you've got the guy tied to a post and totally helpless. Why waste perfectly good ear lobes on him? Just stab the dude, God, stop showboating.
Zeiss Manifold: Guy must be pret-ty confident in himself if he's planning on taking down an Old One.
Delcat: Oh man, Cthulhu v. whatever Chick thinks is a Native American god, shit''s about to get REAL.
Delcat: "There's Crazy Wolf...what's he doing?"
"Iunno. He's crazy. Seriously, it's an active descriptor, not a macho thing. He spent the majority of yesterday rubbing dandelions all over his body to keep away invisible boll weevils."
Zeiss Manifold: "Nah, Crazy Wolf is in the next cave over. This is Meating Loaf."
Delcat: Man, with a schnozz like that it's a miracle he hasn't inhaled more corpse powder than he's blown in the general direction of unnamed potbellied guys.

Spoiler:

Delcat: Are there, like, any buildings or anything, or do they just all ride horses in circles around that nondescript rock face that randomly advances and retreats based on the whim of the panel?
Zeiss Manifold: Something tells me Margaret's Indian name is Giant Cow Milker.
Delcat: How could she be? She's never seen a cow that didn't consist of a groaning abomination with a single human tit.
Delcat: Although that does seem to be kind of a groping motion...
Zeiss Manifold: Leathery Indian Joe Don has four vibrating blades, for the ultimate shaving experience.
Delcat: Huh, I thought those were thrillseeking earthworms attemping the Annual Annelid Bungee Jump.
Delcat: "Oh yeah, he's totally evil, nyuuuu~ ;OxO"

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: ...Did Jack Chick just admit that Jesus was black?
Delcat: I guess after a time, she became so sublime that she could look in people's eyes and read their minds.
Delcat: But her hands will sometimes bleed and occasionally, she'll long for her past and...oh fuck it already, she's just a 2-D Chick tract character, who am I kidding
Zeiss Manifold: Oh wow, they must be talking about that one "Sun God" that all Native Americans worship. Yeah.
Delcat: There isn't anything approaching complexity of character here, just a giant wrinkly ventriloquist dummy with Chick's sweaty hand up her ass.
Delcat: And no, Zeiss, he just admitted that his skin was brown.
Delcat: Slightly brown.
Delcat: Like, he tanned regularly.
Zeiss Manifold: Like, wheat bread brown.
Delcat: Gotta keep up appearances in front of those forn folks, y'know.
Zeiss Manifold: "We hate you and your giant dulcimer!”
Delcat: This isn't even a pretext of religious discussion. She's not attempting to explain her beliefs and why she's so devoted to them in any way, she's just going "YEAH WELL YOUR SUN GOD IS DUMB MY GOD MADE YOUR STUPID OLD GOD".
Delcat: I didn't know Chick was okay with genderswapped avatars, in other words.
Zeiss Manifold: Well, he's certainly made her a better sun than Jesus has made Mary a better...Jesus.
Delcat: Wait, man, how do you even diagram that as a sentence

Spoiler:

Delcat: "It's just Jesus and me, and, y'know, we're not really doing anything, just screwing around, so you can totally come over, that's cool, we'll, like, watch some Native America's Got Talent, then play some Guitar Hero and smoke a bowl."
Zeiss Manifold: The Pastor does not approve.
Delcat: DUN DUN DUN DUN, WHITE GUY TO THE RESCUE
Delcat: "Skin Walker, huh? Well, he's never dealt with the likes of...WALKER, TEXAS RANGER!"
Zeiss Manifold: Keither Sutherland IS Steven Segal in the TBS miniseries adaptation of The Dark Tower!
Delcat: The lumpy man in erratic shading fled across the perspective desert, and the gunslinger followed.
Delcat: I like to think that if it didn't cut off, he'd be revealed to have a hat like the Quaker Oats dude.
Delcat: His hat, it has three corners. Three corners has his hat. If it had not three corners, it would not be his hat.
Delcat: Yeah, that's a song much more on the level of complexity presented here.
Delcat: Speaking of hats, I hope you have your Wacky Hat on, 'cause things are about to get cuh-RAAAAZY!

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: I'm sorry, we seem to have wandered into a Blue Öyster Cult album.
Zeiss Manifold: I TOTALLY GOTTA GET THIS TRACT PAINTED ON MY VAN DUDE
Delcat: He would seem to be chargin his lazar in reverse.
Zeiss Manifold: Mr. Bill's stint in Manowar was short lived.
Delcat: Also crosseyed.
Delcat: Oh man I so TOTALLY want a floating squidsnake. I would take it on walks and feed it biscuits and name it Patchy.
Zeiss Manifold: awwwww
Delcat: That fire looks like a spiky dude waving. Y'know, just walking by, notices he's on camera, goes "Hi Mom!", leaves before the crazy earthworm dude can lose control of any bodily functions.
Zeiss Manifold: Well, *something's* got Earthworm Dude excited...
Delcat: That first panel is funny enough to begin with, but when you focus on his eyes, it just becomes hilarious. He's focusing on the exact point where his nose should be and flailing his arms ineffectively. SO badass.
Zeiss Manifold: "Oh noooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Delcat: No wonder he's confused, according to the position of the moon, all that shit popped up behind him and a little to the left. "Spirits, come to me!" "We've been here for the last eight minutes, you douche."

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Are you sure "these* aren't the Old Ones?
Delcat: I dunno, they don't inspire insanity in me as much as uncontrollable giggling. Unless that's the first stage?
Zeiss Manifold: Except for Patchy, who warms our hearts more than anything else.
Delcat: WE LOVE YOU FOREVER, PATCHY
Delcat: What's with this umbilical cord bullshit? Isn't that a Japanese thing? Or a Harry Potter thing, possibly?
Delcat: Or is he just on one of those retractable leashes, and he's gonna buh-GOING back into his body like a Pomeranian trying to hump a leg just out of reach?
Zeiss Manifold: Oh great, it's an Ash Ra Tempel album now.
Zeiss Manifold: He's bungee jumping on the astral plane.
Delcat: Oh hey, it's that cat. Does the cat have a name? Or is he just Fang Foil?
Delcat: Oh well, he'll never be Patchy.

Quote :

Zeiss Manifold: I'm sorry, we seem to have wandered into a Blue Öyster Cult album.

I would take a long explanation to tell you why that line just reduced me to a quivering pile of LOLZ. I will, however, give you that it makes about as much sense as most Blue Oyster Cult albums ever did.

Lapin wrote:

The Ronald Reagan joke was priceless Del. I could not stop laughing long enough to tell my mom why I was laughing.

Note for future projects: Being stuck for a joke and just saying random words that come into my head = good. YOUR FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED THANK YOU

Spoiler:

Delcat: OH MAH GAWD HE HAS A LITTLE BEAK :D ZEISS I LOVES HIM SO MUCH
Zeiss Manifold: Now now, Patchies don't stay little forever. If you want one, you have to be sure you can deal with the responsibility.
Delcat: I will! I promise! I'll take him on walks on his balloon umbilical cord every day! Night. ...whenever he feels like it.
Delcat: Hey, remember when you were trying to find the fossil record of a Durfosaur? I think the search is over, my friend.
Zeiss Manifold: Oh great, they paid God-knows-how-much just to get Crazy Wolf to change into his fursona.
Zeiss Manifold: Either that or a desperate, laid-off muppet.
Delcat: So the lesson here is that you can be a frail old lady or a furry? Who WINS in this situation?
Delcat: Ughhhh...okay, I don't go off like this very often, but can I mention how much the parading around the "Thy will be done" thing in these pisses me off?
Delcat: Because it doesn't exactly work if your character ALWAYS SURVIVES.
Delcat: It's not good religion and it's not good storytelling. It suggests that all you have to do is say the words and it's like a cosmic buffer against harm.
Delcat: It's the exact opposite of the point.
Delcat: On a lighter note, I enjoy getting down on all fours and hoovering oatmeal out a bowl I share with my cat too. That's quality time with Fluffers and me.
Zeiss Manifold: What the hell is muppet-dude doing in the second panel? It looks like he's wildly contorting himself to break off a door that was barely attached in the first place.
Delcat: Well, he wants to make sure he doesn't startle her, hence the mellow "Here I am". She has a weak heart, poor dear.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: This is an angel punching out a dog-thing
Zeiss Manifold: You can see how he YAAAAAH's in the night
Zeiss Manifold: HE TRIED TO KILL ME WITH A MUPPET
Delcat: Durfosaur does a casual 180. "Whoa, this ain't my bag, sorry."
Delcat: If they were going to go for a Muppet with the YAAAAAAHs, they should have just gone with Animal. I mean, seriously, he would've done a better job than Bloodwulf here.
Zeiss Manifold: Run away, Patchy!
Delcat: It's cool, he remembered he has an appointment to forever traumatize some small children in Halloween Is Grinch Night!.
Zeiss Manifold: YAY PATCHY
Delcat: Bash to Bloodwulf
SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!
Bloodwulf was SMAAAAAAAASHED for 14 HP!
Zeiss Manifold: Why is the angel a young Peter Graves in the first panel, and Brock's delinquent cousin in the second?
Delcat: Because he's handing down a hardcore anime beating that consists of standing over someone in a shallow hole and holding your fist totally still a foot above their head.
Zeiss Manifold: He's going to dance, dance, dance the demons away!

Spoiler:

Delcat: HOW I SHOT UMBILICAL CORD FURSONA
Delcat: MAN THIS TRACT IS JUST SO CRAZY, WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO NEXT, ORDER CRAZY BREAD HUH FOLKS
Zeiss Manifold: The Patchy chants the funeral march, the Durfosaur will sting, as slowly Chick crappily draws in the court of the crimson King
Zeiss Manifold: (of terrorrrrrrrrrrs)
Zeiss Manifold: (ah ah ahhhhhhhhhh)
Delcat: *snf* That's beautiful.
Delcat: You'd think that if he was all that crazy, he'd be enjoying this more.
Delcat: Y'know, kind of a Buffalo Bill thing or...something.
Zeiss Manifold: "What? Save that monster? Isn't that crazy?"
Zeiss Manifold: I think Chick's getting wayyyyyy too excited over this.
Delcat: You know that guy with the exclamation marks tacked all over his suit who runs around screaming about business deals on late-night infomercials? ...yeah, that's Chick's day job.
Zeiss Manifold: I can actually see it.
Delcat: Unfortunately, this is Patchy's last appearance in this tract. Everyone say goodbye to Patchy!
Zeiss Manifold: I'M GONNA MISS YOU PATCHY
Delcat: BYE BYE, PATCHY, I BET WE'LL SEE YOU AGAIN REAL SOON!
Delcat: Well, with that joy sucked out of our life, let's slog down the blocktext home stretch.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Silly Neil Young, you're too old to trick-or-treat!
Delcat:

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: "More pencil, Mr. Wolf?"
Delcat: Seriously, Chick, life skills FAIL. "Hi, I'm the guy that you got horribly beaten and magically ruined. May I come in? I promise not to make a decorative bowl out of your skull, despite what my necklace suggests."
Delcat: His nose is noticeably unbroken. They couldn't even touch that shit, man. It's adamantium.
Zeiss Manifold: So, you know the weird tonerless glow that surrounds everybody in these things? Is that Jesus?
Delcat: Eeeh...if it is, Jesus must love terrible Photoshop?
Delcat: How can she offer him more chicken if he hasn't eaten any to begin with? Is she referring to his necklace?
Zeiss Manifold: This only reinforces my "this looks shooped" theory.
Delcat: I can tell from the YAAAAAAAAAHs, and having seen a few shoops in my time.

Spoiler:

Delcat: Murder, rape, and robbery. That's every crime known, all right.
Zeiss Manifold: "Your Jesus will only forgive you for robbery in general, that one murder you did in Des Moines a few years back, and speeding across state lines. Sign up with mine and get the package deal!"
Delcat: The snake is mildly intrigued by this. "Oh, really? I bit a donkey once. Am I covered for that?"
Zeiss Manifold: Ah, the wonderful world of Chick tracts, where characters are neatly divided between the pious and the DURF WHO'S THIS JESUS FELLOW crowd.
Delcat: This is probably the most cringe-inducing method Chick has to sell religion. Could you imagine a rape victim being handed this?
Zeiss Manifold: "I don't understand, what is this rape of which you speak?"
Delcat: So you can do all of that and still get into Chick Heaven, but people who believe in evolution are just fucked from the get-go, huh?
Zeiss Manifold: Duh, Del, you can't just evolve into heaven.
Delcat: C...can I evolve into a Vileplume?
Zeiss Manifold: ONLY THROUGH THE CHRIST STONE
Delcat: Aw fudge, I already used one of those on my Clefairy and she turned into a Mormon D:
Zeiss Manifold: She turned into a Mormon, whoa whoa whoa?
Delcat: Yeah, I never shoulda bought one off of Team Rocket :<
Zeiss Manifold: I'm sure there's a Pokemon/Superbook crossover fic somewhere out there. Maybe it can help with our future purchases?
Delcat: If the entire thing weren't about Pontius Pilate raping a Shellder, maybe.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: ...And now it's an Iron Maiden cover. Jeez, tract, make up your damn mind already.
Delcat: It's a stepladder.
Delcat: ...wait, the stepladder wasn't invented back then, was it? Fuck, there goes THAT Phoenix Wright joke.
Zeiss Manifold: Oh, they're just going up to check the crucifixial gutters. Gotta get them cleaned out before the ice settles in, now.
Delcat: "It's a ladder."
"That's right Nick, and there will be no alternative for another thousand years."
Delcat: Hey, shouldn't she tell him that she was snarfling Fancy Feast out of that bowl last night?
Zeiss Manifold: You have to wonder why Chick and all his "heaven is through faith and not works" folks spend so much time screeching against teh ebul stuff in the first place.
Delcat: Well, when evil is done by an unsaved person, it's super-evil, and when it's done by a fundie, it's just an amusing peccadillo.
Delcat: Is this just really passive-aggressive revenge? Is the chicken actually the black cock from the last tract?
Toshihiro Ono: ~Ooh, I love--
Delcat: Shut your cake hole, Ono.
Toshihiro Ono: ~Did I tell you my cake hole is full of sperm?~
Zeiss Manifold: That's wonderful, Ono, it really is.
Toshihiro Ono: ~My cakehole is full of sperm.~
Zeiss Manifold: DEL, GET HIM AWAY FROM ME
Delcat: Just slap him on the back of the head and he'll choke on it.
Zeiss Manifold: *SLAP*
Zeiss Manifold: And stop saying "~", no one says "~".
Delcat: ~But my dickgirls are full of water!

Quote :

The snake is mildly intrigued by this. "Oh, really? I bit a donkey once. Am I covered for that?"

That was priceless. XD

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Delcat: Bash to Bloodwulf
SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!
Bloodwulf was SMAAAAAAAASHED for 14 HP!

Oh my god, lol'd so hard. Earthbound referenceeee

I want a Patchy. D:

Quote :

Delcat: Well, when evil is done by an unsaved person, it's super-evil, and when it's done by a fundie, it's just an amusing peccadillo.

And when it's done by a Mormon, that gets a four book series/movie deal/comic book/merchandising rights out of it, it's all to the Glory of the Lord!

You know, I just realized the way Chick draws evil people reminds me a lot of the art style in the old EC horror comics. They always had huge warts on their noses and bug eyes and snaggly teeth. I could never understand why anyone trusted them, since you could tell just by looking they ate live babies for dinner.

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Spoiler:

This like those westerns where everybody knows the bad guys are coming and it's just the sheriff and maybe one or two allies gearing up... except instead of the town being too afraid to fight, they're all openly rooting for the bad guys.

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Zeiss Manifold: HE TRIED TO KILL ME WITH A MUPPET

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It's the Old West, complete with cordless phones.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: "God made it so easy to attach a lima bean to your head."
Delcat: "Do you like the giant ear clinging to the back of my head? Be good, and I'll let you feed it."
Delcat: IT'S GAME TIME! What else could that horrendous lump be? Go!
Delcat: A kidney!
Zeiss Manifold: An uncooked baguette!
Delcat: A shooping woop!
Zeiss Manifold: Mr. Peanut in fetish gear!
Delcat: Brain cancer!
Delcat: ...oh. Oh, I'm...I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't know, I... D:
Zeiss Manifold: "Jerry Lewis and the Louvin Brothers will make you YAAAAAH in delight in Satan Went Nuts!"
Delcat: "The scriptures say...what?"
"Oh, sorry, my headbean speaks in dialogue boxes, I forgot I'm the only one who can hear him."
"Ma'am, I think we should go to chemotherapy now."
Delcat: GET IT ZEISS? CRAZY?? GET IT? DO YOU FUCKIN' GET THAT WILD-ASS PUN?
Zeiss Manifold:
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Delcat: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I'M LAUGHING SO HARD I'M SPITTING TEETH LIKE A PEZ DISPENSER
Delcat: HA
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 2: YOU PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND SOON YOU'LL BE WALKING THROUGH THAT DO-OO-OOR
Delcat: Play 'em off, Keyboard Cat!

Spoiler:

Delcat: Wow, I didn't know Satan gave neckrubs. Or that he couldn't close his mouth ever.
Zeiss Manifold: Or that he turns people into the dreaded Chinaman.
Delcat: "My real name is Billie Wolf, because tribe names are foreign and thus invalid!"
Zeiss Manifold: I'm sorry, I can't scan the dialogue over the constant shouts of I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE ANYTHING YOU'VE BEEN DREAMING OF roaring in my head.
Delcat: Has his eye bandage been switching between panels like Igor's hump from Young Frankenstein or am I crazy?
Zeiss Manifold: It's really a giant tapeworm wiggling its way around his face.
Delcat: Oh, did it miss the bungee party? Poor little guy.
Delcat: I see the headbean has mutated into a dumbbell. Must be hard to stand upright.
Zeiss Manifold: Her braid is undergoing mitosis, is all.
Delcat: See, if you had been Chick, you would have spent the next twenty pages making dumbbell jokes.
Delcat: Why can't you be like Chick, Zeiss? Why can't you be pedantic, stupid, and batfuck crazy?
Zeiss Manifold:
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Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: No Country For Old Chicks.
Delcat: "And he will hear these words..."
"NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN"
"Aw, HELL!"
Zeiss Manifold: "This is for magically switching your cast to the wrong arm!"
Delcat: The mystical walking rock is getting the hell outta dodge. Look at it run!
Zeiss Manifold: Wow, the caption needs a caption. EXCITING FOOTNOTING ACTION.
Delcat: Does Chick really think that all Native Americans live in log cabins with thatch garages they built with their own hands?
Delcat: It's a step up from teepees, I guess.
Zeiss Manifold: Have you ever heard a muppet try to break a door, or wondered why the Lord was such a dick? Can you marvel at the cuteness of a Patchy? Can you paint with all the colors of the Chick?
Delcat: I wish Chick would try the waterfall jump thing. I really do.
Delcat: Why is her butt wearing glasses?
Zeiss Manifold: 'Cause Chick couldn't see reality out of his ass either.
Delcat: I was gonna take the high road and go SO SHE HAS BETTER HINDSIGHT, but I think that's the vaudeville spotlight talking.

Spoiler:

Delcat: Believed ON me? Is that like lovin' on someone?
Zeiss Manifold: Oh come on, the Virgin Mary had nothing to do with this one. It was all Blue Öyster Cult, we've been over this.
Delcat: Hey, if he can get in a sideways slam at Catholics, why not? All's fair in love and YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Delcat: What about Patchies? Can we trust in Patchies?
Zeiss Manifold: We can ALWAYS trust in Patchies.
Delcat: I didn't know people were reduced to the little dude from the Don't Walk sign in Heaven. Seems like a bum deal.

Spoiler:

Delcat: DO YOU LIKE ME? YES [] NO [] MAYBE SO [] CHECK ONE AND PASS BACK
Delcat: Seriously, what the fuck?
Zeiss Manifold: I totally want to gather a bunch of these, check "NO" on every one, and mail them back to Chick HQ.
Delcat: Really, why even have the "No" option? Does it have some kind of sensor that sends an SOS to Chick's free-roaming propaganda agents if ticked?
Delcat: More importantly, are people supposed to seriously consider it, check "No", then date it and store the tract for later reference?
Zeiss Manifold: It's like those feedback forms they give you at the end of a seminar.
Zeiss Manifold: "DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR OTHER STEREOTYPES TO COVER IN FURTHER TRACTS? 1=STRONGLY AGREE, 5=STRONGLY DISAGREE"
Zeiss Manifold: and then everybody gets 1 and 5 mixed up and the data is spazzed
Delcat: "Please rate your instructor from A to YAAAAAAAH, with A being most satisfactory and YAAAAAAH being most YAAAAAAAAAAAAH."
Delcat: Well, that about wraps it up. Any thoughts?
Zeiss Manifold: If only one were a Chick Indian, inherently EBUL, and in a crappy tract, leaning against the frame, kept on quivering jerkily over the quivering logic, until one shed one's Fangs, for there needed no Fangs, threw away their YAAAAAH's, for there needed no YAAAAAH's, and hardly saw that the tract before one was smoothly shorn heath when reason and sanity would already be gone.
Zeiss Manifold: ...I think Kafka really would get a kick out these things, now that I think about it.
Delcat: Just pass the peyote already.

I have also located the Patchy Theme Song!

Spoiler:

I enjoyed the side note Chick left about Margaret. She must've been believing in the Virgin Mary.

You have to hand it to Jack Chick, he's a man of CONVICTIONS. He doesn't have time for that shades of gray nonsense, that would take away from the time he spends kicking ass for the Lord! No, instead he revels in a world of black and white, where everyone is either a Jesus-loving Christian or absolutely hates the guy with a biting passion. In Chick's world, there are no people who think Jesus was a cool guy but just don't believe he was the son of God, or find out their elderly neighbors have converted to a new religion and go 'Eh. Won't she be sorry when she dies.' Or 'Oh, those silly theists!' Nope. They fill with hate and raaaage.

Jesus ain't got time to deal with those haters, yo. They're just jealous of his awesomeness anyway.

Actually, if Chick truly believes there are only two options: Be a Christian or be a ragging monster bastard who hates all Christians and everything that's good in the world, it must be a sad, sad thing to be Jack Chick. I can't imagine he even goes outside anymore, but sits in his dark room drawing tracts with a shaky hand, muttering "Can't sleep, heathens will eat me. Can't sleep, heathens will eat me."

Quote :

Delcat: This is probably the most cringe-inducing method Chick has to sell religion. Could you imagine a rape victim being handed this?
Zeiss Manifold: "I don't understand, what is this rape of which you speak?"
Delcat: So you can do all of that and still get into Chick Heaven, but people who believe in evolution are just fucked from the get-go, huh?
Zeiss Manifold: Duh, Del, you can't just evolve into heaven.
Delcat: C...can I evolve into a Vileplume?
Zeiss Manifold: ONLY THROUGH THE CHRIST STONE
Delcat: Aw fudge, I already used one of those on my Clefairy and she turned into a Mormon D:

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I love you guys so much [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Delcat: So what you're saying here is that Mary wasn't happy with the life that she led, though she was a simple girl without much to say? And one day she just upped and left her dreary home, left all her friends behind to wander all alone?

.....

Delcat: Hey, it's the mountain that Mary had been taught her whole life that she must avoid. Perhaps though at first this may hurt, and no one can comfort her, she will finally come to appreciate it.
Zeiss Manifold: You're not going to give up the ghost, are you.

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Not only is this godawful but it has icky racist undertones. D:

dariamorgendorffer wrote:

Not only is this godawful but it has icky racist undertones. D:

You're new to Chick Tracts, aren't you?

myeerah wrote:

dariamorgendorffer wrote:

Not only is this godawful but it has icky racist undertones. D:

You're new to Chick Tracts, aren't you?

The man is, quite literally, a relic of his time (trust me, I can remember when a lot of people who considered themselves good Christians held the exact same views). It's just that society, by and large, is no longer tolerant of this sort've shit.