Jack Chick case files #4: I don’t practice Santeria, but I got a crazy tract

Zeiss Manifold: Our next tract is a piece on the evils of Santeria, a topic of which my knowledge is pretty much limited to that one Law & Order episode. Jack Chick's knowledge of it, though, is limited to people blowing on chickens, so we're at least matched in that regard.
Delcat: And I'm a Catholic, so I'm halfway there! ...or something.

Spoiler:

Delcat: Remember, boys: When you touch your cock, Satan wins.
Zeiss Manifold: Aye aye aye, your eyes proselytize
Delcat: I don't see why it's so unduly nervous. It's not like it's going to live a long, fulfilling life on the farm if it ISN'T sacrificed. Voodoo or cordon bleu, it's all the same to the cock.
Delcat: And boy howdy, kids, if you think I'm not gonna take every chance I get to make cock puns, you have not been paying attention.
Zeiss Manifold: It looks like an overweight ninja of the Chicken Clan.
Delcat: KFC JUTSU!

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Why is James Randi asking for a shaman's help? If this is Chick's idea of slander, he's biting off more than he can chew.
Delcat: So we have a Cleric D&D figure, a stylized bishop chess piece, one of those candles you get at Save-a-Lot next to the tamarind soda, and...a full cabinet of legitimate prescription drugs?
Zeiss Manifold: Is this Carlos Castaneda's garage sale?
Delcat: No, a Celine Dion video, judging by the way the single candle turns into eleventy billion between panels.
Zeiss Manifold: "Hey, how much you want for the golliwog?"
Delcat: Is that supposed to be a doll of some sort or just one of Chick's random racist caricatures running by? "Sorry, massa, got lost on my way to the stereotype parade, lawdy lawdy!"
Zeiss Manifold: It's making the sign of the moose. It must be from the It's A Wonderful Life collection. Those things are hard to come by.
Delcat: How is it that Chick mastered the crappy anti-aliasing glow thirty years before Photoshop was invented? ...this WAS done thirty years ago, right?
Zeiss Manifold: You know, she could just auction off the fossils embedded in the counter and not have to do this for the rest of her days.
Delcat: She does it for the people, Zeiss, for the people.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Jimmy Page! It was only a matter of time before he showed up in one of these things.
Delcat: Um, if he's turned into a vegetable, it won't ruin his life. He won't have any knowledge of what's going on. It'll ruin the lives of those around him, maybe, but that seems like a piss-poor way of going about punishing someone if they're not awake to be bothered by it.
Delcat: Man, I am digging her shawl. I wish I had a shawl covered with giant white blood cells. That'd be boss.
Zeiss Manifold: I think he just has a weird TF thing going on.
Delcat: askoose me sir your money is dropping random symbols and is thus no good here
Zeiss Manifold: Second panel: NYEEEH SEE NYEEEH
Delcat: Is there a HURR HURR SHE'S GONNA SHOW HIM CELEBRIAN joke that wouldn't be trite here?
Zeiss Manifold: PERHAPS WE'LL FIND OUT

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Wow, everyone's glowing in this tract.
Delcat: OH MY GOD THE SUNFLOWERS ARE GONNA CATCH ON FIRE or maybe Chick just can't perspective for fuck-all BUT DON'T TAKE THAT CHANCE RUN RUN
Zeiss Manifold: It's Fang! And an Aztec Boognish.
Delcat: Ah, you mean ¡El Colmillo!
Delcat: oh yeah dawg I am pulling the Babelfish on this one
Delcat: Bus generously provided by Electric Mayhem.
Zeiss Manifold: Is Santo going to show up? I just want to know beforehand.
Delcat: You just had to go for the sombrero, Chick. You just HAD to. You stuck him on a bus like nobody would notice, BUT WE DO.
Delcat: Is that a shrine to St. Faceless of the Disco Boogie?
Zeiss Manifold: Knowing Chick, this is going to end in someone being drowned in salsa.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: CARLOS
Delcat: AAAAAH IT'S THE EVIL SPIRIT oh wait no it's just that guy
Zeiss Manifold: "I must stare at your shirt, as it contains the Konami cheat code!"
Delcat: Holy hell, I think he's about to either break into the YAAAAAAAAAAHs or stuff her entire head inside his mouth. That is one crazed motherfucker.
Zeiss Manifold: Hey, there's Santo!...his head, at least.
Delcat: hey Zeiss.
Zeiss Manifold: Yeah?
Delcat: hey Zeiss guess what.
Zeiss Manifold: What what Del what
Delcat: SHE'S BLOWING HIS COCK.
Delcat: lolsnortlolol
Zeiss Manifold:
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Zeiss Manifold: Good thing they bought the Kwanzaa candles.
Delcat: A Swiss army knife, one of those Aquaglobe thingies, and a selection of right triangles. Doesn't sound like gumbo to me.
Delcat: Wait a second, how the hell is that cock's wattle staying upright?
Zeiss Manifold: No one seems to be completely corporeal in this thing.
Delcat: They aren't just APPENDAGES, you know. They're little fleshy bits.
Delcat: Oh man, I have gotta say "cock's wattle" more often.
Zeiss Manifold: NO CARLOS
Zeiss Manifold: YOU ARE THE SPIRITS

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: "This is a terrifying picture of what 'dancing' may look like!"
Delcat: Ghhhh. Zeiss, I just wanna...kind of avert my eyes from this page and apologize to the world in general.
Delcat: Shame on you, Chick, SHAME ON YOU.
Delcat: Guy at direct center: WOOHOO, I GOT A NEW BELT, AWESOME
Zeiss Manifold: Let me guess, the next panel is going to be Santa Claus at a church organ with "SANTERIA" painted on it.
Delcat: And to seal the deal, the devil goes "mehmehmehmehCURSESmehmehmeh".
Zeiss Manifold: I wonder what this page is like in the print version. Me thinks it starts playing the Mexican Hat Dance on this page, like in one of those singing cards.
Delcat: Oh boy, what are the tools of the trade on this page. Some vodka, a top hat, more friggin' candles, a dead cat, and...a bunch of bananas. oh COME ON. This isn't even...come ON. "Hrnp hrnp, what else is African, I KNOW BANANAS"
Zeiss Manifold: You're forgetting the...candlecomb? What is that?
Delcat: It's a baby chandelier. Shhhh, it's napping and dreaming of the day that it'll squash some fat lady in an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.
Delcat: ...okay yeah I know it doesn't actually squash anyone in Phantom, but it would be so much cooler if it did.
Zeiss Manifold: You know, I hate it whenever I go to a Pagan go-go and someone starts air-synthesizering.
Delcat: I don't think there's anything else I wanna OH GOD OH GOD THE HORRIBLY BROKEN WRIST ON THE RIPPED GUY OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD IT'S SNAPPED BACKWARDS AT A 180-DEGREE ANGLE I'M GOING TO VOMIT
Zeiss Manifold: "Hey Orishas, talk to the hand!"

Spoiler:

Delcat: "Oh! Oh, you just wanted me to bleed a little in your gumbo! Oh, that's cool, then, I thought maybe you wanted to KILL me, ha ha."
Zeiss Manifold: Why are they making a gift basket for the Son of Sam?
Delcat: Okay, so I get the pictures, the bones, the animal paraphenalia, and the sticks, but why the Grog doll?
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 2: WAVE MOTION GUN
Delcat: Zeiss, is this going to lead to wacky antics like in Preacher? I love that issue. Ha ha, snakes sure DO do that, Jesse!
Zeiss Manifold: Was Chick running low on toner when he wrote this? There's not one panel that looks completed.
Delcat: Yeah, the "dark force with incredible power" looks more like a grey force with lack of levelling tools.
Zeiss Manifold: Why did they ring a chain around the cauldron? Was it going to shuffle off the set or something?
Delcat: Isn't that what the black folks are into? The chains, and the grills, and the ding?
Zeiss Manifold: And the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin'?

Spoiler:

Delcat: OH GOD THEY CUT OFF GOLLIWOG'S HEAD
Zeiss Manifold: "I'm sorry, could you wait a minute? I'm investigating HOW IT GOT BURNED HOW IT GOT BURRRRNED"
Zeiss Manifold: El Santo: Now available in stress ball form.
Delcat: "Could it have something to do with the eighty gazillion candles, do you think?"
Delcat: Eech, those teeth. Eek, that jaw. Is rolling in nuclear waste part of Santeria traditions as well?
Zeiss Manifold: "No, Lupita!"
Delcat: You know, that would explain so much about that movie.
Zeiss Manifold: Who's that statue in the second panel? St. Diplodocus? His neck is prehensile.
Delcat: Panel 2: Those aren't eyebrows, they're worms having a casual chat. "HEY MAN, YOU LIKIN' THIS FOREHEAD DEAL?" "HECK YEAH!"
Delcat: What gets me is that this is really less about the voodoo side of Santeria and more about the Catholic side. This is all a sidelong jab at all the stuff he isn't allowed to say in his regular tracts anymore.
Zeiss Manifold: IT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD

Fun fact: I've been to several botanicas (Santeria shops) in my life. Back in high school, I remember the first store I visited had a huge statue of an Native American Indian in front of it, and it was famous for it. I remember they sold lots of kitshy stuff, like love potions, statues of saints and candles. Also, a HUGE candle that said 'Death to my enemies'. I loled so hard.

Then in college, we had to make a video news segment and we did it with Santaeria, just because it was so cool. We visited a bunch of stores, and they all sold the same crap, but out of all the owners we visted, only one seemed to be a true believer, his store seemed less tacky and tried to explain stuff to us. The other owners were pretty much posers.

We even interviewed a catholic priest about it. He said the Church was pretty much ok with Santeria nowadays.

Man, it's a pity my family are Baptists and think all Catholics and Santeros will go to hell. I'm told my grandmother knew lots of Santeria before 'meeting the Lord' and I weep for what might have been.

Just wanted to let you know the title made me gigglesnort. That's my favorite Sublime song.

Spoiler:

Delcat: "My nose is a dowsing rod for zombies!"
Zeiss Manifold: "He was prowling around Bonnie Tyler's boarding school, that's his problem. Just throw a dove at him, he'll be fine."
Zeiss Manifold:
*A Santeria Priest
(*HELLBOUND)
Delcat: Don't people in Chick's tracts lose their pupils from time to time even if they're Christians? He's not possessed, he's suffering Lazy Artist Syndrome.
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 2: "I'm just going to change into Tom Waits, see if that helps."
Delcat: Panel 2: "Am I throwing off an obscene gesture, a gang sign, or an ATSASPICYMEATABALL? Not even I know for sure!"
Delcat: "MY Jesus can! But only MINE! Subscribe to MY EXACT CRAZY-ASS FUNDIE BELIEFS, or DIE!"
Zeiss Manifold: "He's a streetwalkin' Jesus with a heart full of napalm!"

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: MEANWHILE, ON GULLAH GULLAH ISLAND
Delcat: WHY I OUGHTA
Delcat: ANTI-VAMPIRE THROWING CRUCIFIX NO JUTSU
Zeiss Manifold: "Am I supposed to be a dirty Jew or a filthy Papist? Help me out here!"
Zeiss Manifold: Can't leave Christ on the cross too long, stinks up the shed.
Delcat: Oh please, Jack, oh please. Saying a depiction of one stage of a story is equally condemning a depiction of the baby Jesus. You're just a hateful, beady-eyed, mouth-breathing two-year-old throwing a tantrum at this point.
Delcat: On a lighter note, do we even know where the hell we're supposed to be, or are we just in Brown People Land
Zeiss Manifold: Meh, they're ethnic. Chick's got the general idea across.
Delcat: Isn't Santeria most popular in places like Haiti, anyway? Why even bother printing these in English?
Zeiss Manifold: 'Cause, uh...DEMONS
Delcat: OH NOES

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: "Could you tell me where the Decembrists concert is? Thanks."
Delcat: That's it, his nose is undulating between panels like when Squidward laughs.
Delcat: "My head is perfectly conical, is that cool with everyone?"
Delcat: Why does that one guy get to look like a normal person? He's supporting the EBIL PAPIST! Or is it an evil Catholic handlebar mustache holding a poor innocent fundie hostage?
Zeiss Manifold: Good to know Boss Hogg and Hispanic Popeye are on the scene too.
Delcat: WAIT WAIT I JUST REALIZED I COULD HAVE MADE A DRIPPING COCK REFERENCE FOUR PAGES AGO SON OF A BITCH
Delcat: DO-OVER DO-OVER
Zeiss Manifold: LOOKS LIKE YOUR PRECIOUS COCKS HAVE FAILED YOU
Delcat: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Toshihiro Ono: ~Or should I say, ne!~
Zeiss Manifold: NO
Delcat: dangit Ono this is not the time or the place
Zeiss Manifold: What are you doing here man
Zeiss Manifold: This isn't even vaguely connected to schoolgirls
Delcat: He's been mooching off me for a couple weeks now, man. Why did you think I was resorting to eating cold lunchmeat?
Delcat: GET OUT OF MY FRIDGE, ONO
Delcat: Panel 2: "I'm sorry, guys, but this is my post and I'm sticking to it!"

Spoiler:

Delcat: "Next time, on Hoarders: Carlos' demon collection has grown to the point that his house may be condemned...TRULY CONDEMNED."
Zeiss Manifold: Shit, he landed the house in Brinstar! Use screw attack! USE SCREW ATTACK!
Delcat: The demons are kinda cute, really. Why is it the only thing Chick can draw competently is little squidgy animals?
Delcat: Oh, I know where we are now! The Spanish...the zombies...the hiding out inside a house and blocking the windows as angry villagers try to kill you...we're in Resident Evil 4! YAAAAAY!
Zeiss Manifold: You know, one of the major things that people believed about witches was that they were women who had been influenced by airborn demons. Chick's literally trying to bring us back to the Dark Ages.
Delcat: Yeah, really, he's not even casting them into pigs or anything, he's just letting them loose to wreak havoc on the next poor mook they find.
Delcat: SLOPPY WORK, MISTER, SLOPPY WORK.
Delcat: C- SEE ME AFTER CLASS
Zeiss Manifold: ...Demons that also included incubi, actually.
Delcat: ...excuse me, my oversized butterfly net and I have an appointment.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: LORD, EXPEL THE MOOMINS FROM THIS MAN
Delcat: "There's a problem with your sperm, Mr. Carlos."
"Is...is it the count? Am I not producing enough?"
"Well, yes, seeing as you only can do one at a go, but the fact that it's also a giant malevolent zombie sperm is the more pressing issue."
"That would explain Damien, Damiena, Damien the II, and Bill."
"Bill?"
"He's adopted."
Zeiss Manifold: It reminds me more of the "Titanica" bit from Mr. Show more than anything else. "He looks like a wet cigar!"
Delcat: "Domo arigerto, Mr. Roberto, for setting me free just when I needed you!"
"I wish people would stop saying that."
Zeiss Manifold: Yeah, apart from that, this panel is pretty bor-OH GOD THEY CUT OFF HIS FEET
Delcat: It's more than that, Zeiss! He's been a zombie so long that his entire body has withered! He's now...THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE!
Zeiss Manifold: Well, maybe he will when that bed runs him over.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: First panel:
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Delcat: Something horrible came inside you, huh? Maybe it's THAT DOUCHE EATING THE LAST OF MY KETTLE CORN
Toshihiro Ono: ~Aaah, he was just so delicious!
Zeiss Manifold: Ono eats popcorn? I thought he only ate, like, panties and stuff.
Toshihiro Ono: ~Oh, mine has some VERY special salt on it!
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 2: "Oh hi, I'm the missing forearm from that one Gil Thorp. Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing here either."
Toshihiro Ono: ~Mmm, his body was a VERY comfortable home! But now I'm homeless ;_; Maybe I could sleep on your cock for the night?
Zeiss Manifold: MY COCK IS NOT A PILLOW, ONO
Zeiss Manifold: FOR THE LAST TIME
Delcat: Panel 1: I'M SWEATIN' BULLETS...uh...SUNFLOWER SEEDS
Zeiss Manifold: I have friends who are totally prepared for a zombie invasion. If they end up looking like that thing, it's going to be one hell of a letdown.
Delcat: At least you can bat around the zombiesperm like a beach ball.
Delcat: Wait a second...seven others more wicked than Ono? ZEISS, WHAT COULD THIS PORTEND?
Zeiss Manifold: Oh God...I'm just thinking of the different Sonichus, but with Onos.
Delcat: GO FORTH, AND DONG TO THE EXTREME

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Looks like they were shooting "Gomez is Coming" next door.
Delcat: "Excuse me, senor, I am also lost on my way to the stereotype parade. Could you please be showing me the way? Arriba, arriba!"
Zeiss Manifold Boy, *speaking* of empty spaces...
Delcat: "You must fill that empty space before they return."
"But I like my vaguely stippled void!"
Delcat: ...mmyep, this one is really OH MY GOD THAT'S ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S PROFILE IN THE WINDOW
Delcat: THEY ALMOST HID IT UNDER THE BANALITY
Delcat: WHAT DOES IT MEAN??
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 2: "That's great, but did you really have to wait until we were in Dig Dug to tell me?"

It does sort've bother me that he just lets the demons leave. If he's got the power to cast out demons (which is something I didn't think your ordinary, garden variety Christian could do), shouldn't he also have the power to bind them so they can't go and possses others?

I'm with Del on this; very sloppy work on Chick's part.

And Del, put that butterfly net down! I know you THINK you want an incubi, but do you have any idea how much trouble those damn things are!?

Spoiler:

Delcat: "Whoops, missed a couple of action lines in my initial exorcism. Theeeere ya go."
Zeiss Manifold: "The whole world is headed for hell! Habeeb it!"
Delcat: Man, that is some pretty blatant verse cherry-pickin', IIRC.
Zeiss Manifold: Chick was later arrested for hosting illegal ROMs on this panel.
Delcat: Well, he already pirated Dig Dug for his dirty work.
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 1: GULLAH GULLAH VO~ID
Toshihiro Ono: ~Hm, it only gets dirtier, don't worry.
Zeiss Manifold: Look, go hang out in a public bathroom somewhere, there's nothing here of interest to you.
Delcat: At that perspective, they remind me of the villagers from Black & White. That'd be the best ending ever, is the Cow Creature just randomly dropping a rock on the building 'cause you left him alone for two seconds.
Toshihiro Ono: ~But I was promised cocks! Many thick black cocks!
Zeiss Manifold: We're in a Hispanic comic, Ono.
Delcat: Cockerels, Ono. Black cockerels.
Toshihiro Ono: And Hispanic cocks are...okay, I don't know the stereotype associated with Hispanic cocks, but you're in the wrong place just the same.
Toshihiro Ono: ~Oh, fine, I'll go find some lovely young girl to show my dark force to.
Zeiss Manifold: NO NOT LITTLE SUZY
Delcat: Funny how these things work out, in'it?

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: You've lost that zombie sprit, now it's gone gone gone
Delcat: Ever get so bored that instead of drawing a smiley face in the frost on the window, you draw an angry ethnic caricature? Yeah, we've all been there.
Zeiss Manifold: “DAMN YOU SANTA CLAUS”
Delcat: Panel 2: The one person that you can't do the "Hey, is your hand smaller than your face?" trick to. He just says "No, no it's not" and starts crying.
Zeiss Manifold: I'm trying to follow the priest character here. First he was Nic Cage, then he was Tom Waits, then Jewswald von Jewenstein IV, now he's a...hadrosaur of some sort.
Delcat: Is that the kind that goes AWOOGA through their heads? I like that kind.
Delcat: AWOOGA.
Delcat: Except it'd probably go YAAAAAAAAAH in this case.
Zeiss Manifold: Who are these people anyway? Angry prospectors?
Zeiss Manifold: THERE'S GOLD IN THEM THAR TRACTS
Delcat: He's a-jumpin' their zombie mine!
Delcat: Or wait, they're mining Las Plagas, forgot. Which means that everybody had better scatter before one of the dumb zombies with the dynamite shows up. Dynamite Floyd knows no sides, only explosions.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: JESUS: NOW IN SPICY TACO FLAVOR
Delcat: Boy, that Jesus sure is white. White white white. Remember that for our next tract, kids.
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 2: Hey, someone drew that zebra wrong oh wait it's Christ
Delcat: Roman Soldier: Boy, I sure wish I had forearms :<

Spoiler:

Delcat: whoa super-thick lines all of a sudden
Zeiss Manifold: A Mexican Rusty Venture, everyone.
Delcat: hang on gotta sneeze into my horrible misshapen hand here
Delcat: "This message is chin-approved by the Chin Council. CHIN."
Zeiss Manifold: "If I don't convert him by midnight, Menudo will never accept me!"
Delcat: "I'll give you my answer outside. Now take a swig from the 'Drink Me' bottle so we can fit through this tiny door."
Delcat: Actually, the first panel just looks like Fundie McCrazydick has seriously rancid breath and Carlos von Zombiesperm is trying not to choke.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: CARLOS
Zeiss Manifold: Boy, I had no idea Santeria was so big in the Ozarks.
Delcat: "Boomerang demons! Get your boomerang demons right here! You throw the demon, it comes right back to you!"
Zeiss Manifold: LE GASP
Zeiss Manifold: is that a 19th century boxer who is that
Delcat: RUN, ELECTRIC MAYHEM, GET OUTTA THERE
Delcat: man what is up with me and Muppets refs today I don't even
Delcat: I think a very important theological question is being ignored here.
Zeiss Manifold: Which is?
Delcat: Did the dadgum bloomin' birthday present get delivered or not?
Zeiss Manifold: And what happened to James Randi guy? He just kinda left.
Delcat: He shuffled off the set with the cauldron.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Zombie no go Chick unless you tell him to Chick, uh huh
Delcat: Mmyep, just one giant sideways jab at the Catholic church. GG, Chick, GG.
Zeiss Manifold: "For prices on Dominic trading cards, see Matt. 23:9"
Delcat: The black cock and the golliwog live to offend another day!
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 2: I'm Lonesome Cowboy Burt, come smell my half-drawn shirt
Zeiss Manifold: Okay, so he's back to Nic Cage again? What kind of message is Chick trying to send?"
Zeiss Manifold: "I was into bees like the other priests."
Delcat: I dunno, but this tract feels like getting punched in the gut by a guy in a bear suit.
Zeiss Manifold: The ghost of Teddy Roosevelt disapproves.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Hey, I think we're in the Twilight tract by mistake. Del, could you check that?
Delcat: Oh, yes, because fundies never hurt or crush ANYONE. I...excuse me, Zeiss, I'm having a bitter experiences moment, can you cover me for a line with a clever dong joke or something?
Zeiss Manifold: DEPLOYING DONG FIELD
Zeiss Manifold: ...Hey, I think we are in the same tract after all. Huh.
Zeiss Manifold: aaaand texty page we're set
Zeiss Manifold: DELLLLL JESUS IS SWEARING
Delcat: IT IS A DESCRIPTIVE TERM, LIKE USING "BITCH" FOR A LADY DOG
Zeiss Manifold: ooh wulf is going to be so mad at Jesus
Zeiss Manifold: aaaand texty page we're set
Toshihiro Ono: ~Ohhhh, black cocks! Great whores! It's too great a paradise to comprehend!
Zeiss Manifold: -Dude, why are you still here? We're all out of kettle corn.
Toshihiro Ono: ~I'm filling the bowl again!
Delcat: THAT'S NOT KETTLE CORN
Toshihiro Ono: ~It's even more wonderful!
Zeiss Manifold: i don't want to know i don't want to know
Delcat: Zeeeeiss, I can't take it any more! We need to exorcise him! ...again!
Zeiss Manifold: uhhhh lube up a crucifix or something
Delcat: I've got a better idea. It involves a series of slender glass rods and a hammer.
Zeiss Manifold: ...We're going to make a xylophone?
Toshihiro Ono: ~Uh...oh, time to buy condoms! But I'll be baaa~ck!
Delcat: thank God, now help me change the locks
Zeiss Manifold: Eww, these locks are salty. I wonder whNOOOOOOOOOOO
Cyberwulf: Lick the dripping shit from a diseased monkey and die. You're not even funny.

Rabid Badger wrote:

And Del, put that butterfly net down! I know you THINK you want an incubi, but do you have any idea how much trouble those damn things are!?

That's why you get two, so they can occupy each other when you're busy! Or three. Or four. Or five...

I thought only Catholics believed in exorcisms, and that only Ctaholic priests could perform exorcisms?

Also, what is it with Protestants and Catholics? Does the Vatican even remember they exist? If I had to choose, I'd pick the Catholic side. They make the prettiest churches, they give you wine, and they have their own country. What do the Protestants have? Jack Chick.

Delcat, once you bag your limit, grab a couple for me? And a succubus if you see one?

UGH Chick can't even get his monster mythology right. Zombies result from a complex form of poisoning that sometimes leads to brain damage (resulting in a more malleable slave). And the "whore" referred to in Revelations is either Babylon or the Roman Empire, poor jealous fundies. I would comment more but

Thanos6 wrote:

Delcat, once you bag your limit, grab a couple for me? And a succubus if you see one?

Is there like a pizza equivalent of an incubus? Snag one of those, I'm kinda hungry.

Cyberwulf wrote:

U-LYSEEEEeeeeEEEEeeeeEEEEeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEES

IS THIS A BATTLE OF THE OLD-SCHOOL ANIME THEME SONGS

Ack, I just looked around Jack Chick's website for a bit. Have you seen this tract? There's another version of it, but this one has apparently been "adapted for black audiences", which seems to basically be making everyone look african-american. Also the art is a kazillion times better.


Edit: Oh God, there's more... why can't they just put an ordinary mix of non-stereotyped people in them to begin with?

Lapin wrote:

I thought only Catholics believed in exorcisms, and that only Ctaholic priests could perform exorcisms?

For a second there, I thought you meant Chthonic priests, who would be more in the business of inviting spirits in than casting them out. :teach:

Or: Marvel's Elder God, Chthon.

Lapin wrote:

I thought only Catholics believed in exorcisms, and that only Ctaholic priests could perform exorcisms?

So did I. I was raised Pentecostal, and while some people did beleive in demon possession, I don't recall anyone but televangelists trying to exorcise them. Maybe they had a special Covert Unit for it? ("Yes, Assemblies Central? I think a member of my congregation is demon possessed. Could you send a squad over asap?").

ALBATOR. WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE BLACK JACK IN SPACE?

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Spoiler:

Into witchcraft "like all the other priests"? Maybe I should take him at his word, since the other priests ARE known to rob and abuse their people. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I also like how the lady in front of them is bringing her distressed chicken on the bus for naptime, and there's a cowboy hanging out in the back.

As to the Pentecostal view of exorcisms: I'm not sure how Assemblies Central ( [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ) handles calls of possession, but a youth pastor at my Assemblies church once took a couple of teenage boys from the youth group with him to drive out a demon from some dude. According to them, the "demon" left the man in the form of green smoke pouring from his mouth.

...I wish I hadn't been, like, 7 at the time. Otherwise maybe I could've gone on that totally awesome field trip with them.

I've heard of 'demonic possession' bullshit before, especially around the Protestant side. Occasionally, even a reasonable female pastor I knew spouted some silly story about a poster possessed by the devil in some kid's room.

My family has gone from Pentecostal to Baptist to light Baptist, so most of the hardcore hallellujah bullshit happened when I was a kid. I've forgotten many things about fundiedom. Or maybe I mentally blocked it, idk.