Drugs Are Like That: Zeiss and Del team up on a Chick tract (WS, for a change)

As a change of pace from our usual projects filled with rampant sin and moral decay, I suggested to Zeiss that we do a project about rampant sin and moral decay. Click the individual links or follow along here.

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Delcat: The circle isn't centered. Zeeeeeeeiss, the circle isn't centered. Why didn't they center the circle? It's not perfect and this upsets me.
Zeiss: Don't tell me, this is about the evil Catholic conspiracy to kill Elian Gonzalez.
Zeiss: 'Cause, uh...without Christ, our lives aren't centered on...stuff.
Delcat: Hey, I totally forgot about that kid. He should team up with Balloon Boy, and they can fly off and be forgettable news stories together.
Delcat: Readers, please note that the kid in the crosshairs actually slightly resembles a real person, and thus will not be appearing in this comic.

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Zeiss: Morpheus and that guy from Naruto had a kid, and boy is he constipated.
Delcat: Wait, I tell a lie, Satan actually kind of has it goin' on. But then, you know me, I likes 'em horny.
Delcat: I think there was some panda blood in there too. Look at his eyes.
Zeiss: Second panel, bottom right: Jack Chick, it's all in the mind!
Delcat: Is that what that is? 'Cause maybe it's the talk of unholy lineage, but I thought a Kewpie doll and a blow-up doll had a baby.
Zeiss: I'm just imagining it's Master Onion for the faint, scant hope that Chick will write a rap battle.
Delcat: "My, Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "The better to sell you drugs with, my dear." "That doesn't make sense, Grandma." "Yeah, well I'm pretty smashed."
Delcat: I'm sure you mean well, Zeiss, but what if Chris-chan hears you?
Zeiss: I'll have to throw a Sailor Moon poster down there to distract him.
Zeiss: "Aw shit, the HMO won't cover my pitchfork!"
Delcat: What pitchfork? I only see a tomahawk and some kind of fishing spear.

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Delcat: BY THE DARK LORD BAPHOMET, IF YOU DO NOT DO MY BIDDING, I WILL NOT LET YOU LICK THE CAKE BATTER OFF OF THIS BEATER!
Zeiss: How many times must the Ethereal be told to not disturb the work of Orville Redenbacher?
Zeiss: "Do my bidding or I shall rip ALL the guide markers from the Interstate!"
Delcat: I like his wallpaper. A full martini print would be crass, but just the one? Art.
Zeiss: The Master will not approve!
Delcat: I'm kind of disturbed by the idea of this man's area getting anywhere near anyone's soul.
Zeiss: YOU MUST REPLACE THE FLYPAPER
Delcat: I realize I've probably already hit my wallpaper joke quota, but the first panel looks just like when I forget to do a single panel of a wall in Sims 2. I hate that.

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Delcat: Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor...
Zeiss: "Manos loves women! They will grow up to be women!"
Delcat: Grammar school? I guess his belief system isn't the only thing Chick is clinging to from 1952.
Zeiss: It's nice that they opted for the fine-grain lawn.
Zeiss: What do you bid that this is the Felix-verse, and they're talking about the Headhunters?
Delcat: I was just admiring their buffet-warmer lights...at least, I think that's what those are. Would explain why they apparently have an entire turkey on the table back there.
Delcat: You just want me to cry and wet myself again, Zeiss :<
Zeiss: It's the floor of a living room, with the ceiling of a pub!
Delcat: You know what's "cool"? Putting quotation marks around the most widely-accepted slang term in America today. That is so "cool". It might even be "boss".
Zeiss: They put a gate around the fire so it can't sneak out and choke on things.
Zeiss: IT'S THE LEAGUE OF SATANIC CODGERS!

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Delcat: Now, is that straight straight, or "leaning on the Kinsey scale with both elbows" straight?
Zeiss: "He can really cut them in, and suck them off."
Delcat: We just can't get away from the hentai, can we?
Zeiss: The hell did his moustache come from?
Zeiss: Del, you're the one who finds half that stuff.
Delcat: Shhhh, it's a nesting caterpillar. Don't spook it, caterpillars are vicious when scared!
Delcat: Hey, you started me on this long, erect road, buddy. Almost like a...a...gateway drug...Zeiss, are you...
Delcat: ZEISS, YOU'RE A DICKGIRL PUSHER!
Zeiss: Del, stop griping and come help me. I got a new shipment from Ariake and it ain't gonna load itself onto the truck.
Delcat: HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND
Delcat: I feel like one of us should be making a Rock joke.
Zeiss: "Sir, this chart is just a morass of pins and lines. And it's got a fly on it - let me scrape that off..."

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Zeiss: Hey, his suit's made out of sheet metal!
Delcat: "He's also adorable and blue and fuzzy, which is a big hit with the ladies for some reason." "No, sir, that's Kurt."
Zeiss: "...and he LOVES popcorn!"
Delcat: I think his upper lip was drawn by Escher. Look at it one way, it's a mustache. Look at it the other way, it's bare.
Zeiss: What's that light? Is Orville part of the Lantern Corps now?
Delcat: He just has some serious bling. Watermelon Ring Pop, dude.
Zeiss: So Satan's paying him entirely in bags of stolen Halloween candy?
Delcat: Wouldn't you, if you were employing this dip?
Delcat: Anyway, you know Satan is all over Halloween in these things.
Delcat: I wonder if the guy who does Mark Trail ever helps ghostdraw these things. It would explain the inanimate objects talking.
Zeiss: I dunno, maybe will get a full spread of a demon's dietary habits or something.
Delcat: With the incubi from my RP campaign, it was mostly blood and semen. And taffy. Those boys love taffy.
Zeiss: You can always combine all three, you know.
Delcat: I don't know, you know how fussy sugarwork is. Although, I never did ask...

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Zeiss: "Bill Clinton? That guy makes my teeth bleed!"
Zeiss: Demonic Operative Curt "Durf" Davowski.
Delcat: I love his expression. "Durp, I messed myself and someone has to change me. It's funny!"
Delcat: Whereas Orville is morphing into a zombie or something.
Zeiss: We have to make an edit of this where all of Curt's lines are replaced by HURF DURF HURRRR
Delcat: Like Garfield Minus Garfield? Curt Minus Motor Function?
Zeiss: Assuming he had motor function in the first place.
Delcat: Am I the only one who kind of assumes they get an obsessive schizophrenic in to do the detail work? 'Cause those wrinkles remind me of those cat pictures from my psychology book.
Delcat: Are his teeth filed into points or is he just that fucking old?

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Zeiss: It's a transfer student from Archie Comics!
Delcat: Random girl making reverse Awesome Face strolls by
Zeiss: I think the widespread drug plague has given everyone rigor mortis.
Delcat: I actually had a Christian Archie comic as a kid. Every single character was Christian. It was really surreal.
Delcat: I mean, Jughead is pretty much the model Taoist, but no.
Zeiss: I got a feeling Curt has both lunches, ifyouknowwhatimean
Delcat: ...he chews his cud?
Zeiss: Well, that too
Delcat: Middle Age, High School, on the next Dateline.
Zeiss: Now I'm getting Teenagers From Outer Space flashbacks...

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Delcat: The obsessive datekeeping is not helping the schizophrenic detail-work theory.
Zeiss: Even the ghosts have droopy faces in Durfville.
Delcat: I thought she was really depressing graffiti.
Delcat: Hey, someone's eating in line. Must be Mr. Bungle.
Delcat: That's who Jack Chick is, is the Mr. Bungle of Christianity. Well...one of them.
Zeiss: ...Those are really thin lunch trays. Like giant, rectangular wafers.
Delcat: They're razor-sharp. They've gone through eight lunch ladies this semester alone.
Delcat: You know, you can tell a lot about a person by what they eat. For example, Curt is having a tub of sour cream, a milk carton he swiped off a kindergartener, and a beaker of sulfuric acid for lunch. This tells us that Curt is HURF DURF DURF
Zeiss: I've just figured out the ghost! It's Peter Gabriel!
Delcat: The Chick tract is inside me...THE CHICK TRACT HAS MY SOOOOOOOUL
Zeiss: AND THE LAMB
Zeiss: LIES DOWN
Zeiss: IN DURFVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE
Zeiss: da dow dow da dow

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Delcat: *sigh* Zeiss, would you do the honors?
Zeiss: But of course.
Zeiss: IT'S PARTY TIME!
Delcat: Thank you.
Zeiss: "She has a medical condtion that makes her hold her head perpendicular to the ground at all times. Don't stare, Curt."
Delcat: "My parents are gone for the weekend, and I'm getting eaten out right now! At least, I'd better be, or I'm turning my spine into a bendy straw for no reason."
Zeiss: Yes, no drunken high school party ensemble is complete without a porkpie hat!
Delcat: Jeez, I think you played the "Bill Clinton" card too early. That is uncanny. If it weren't too early for the administration, I'd call it a not-so-sly joke.
Zeiss: 'Cause he's a druggie! Get it?
Delcat: But it was Lewinski that smoked the joint!
Delcat: Oh wow, a Monica Lewinski joke. I was like eight when that happened. What is wrong with me.
Zeiss: I just realized it's been more than a decade since all of that happened. Chick is aging, and he's taking us down with him.
Delcat: So, party with the devil...this is gonna be like in Jacob's Ladder, right? Pig's head in the fridge? Ravens? Woman screwing Satan on the dance floor?
Zeiss: Twister?

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Delcat: Or maybe they're just gonna hit the bong and watch Mallrats. Lame.
Zeiss: No, wait, they're a pantomime! Punch better show up with the rolling papers or else Judy's gonna sock him.
Zeiss: Greasy McMouth just can't wait for his daily happy powder rations.
Delcat: I want to do the American Psycho "Hip to Be a Square" thing, but that's really my sister's schtick.
Zeiss: Man, Curt really looks like Shatner from the back.
Delcat: It's the collar. Nihilist will be displeased.
Zeiss: He's just trying to get everyone stoned so he can keep the green-skinned women alllll to himself.
Delcat: This isn't even after-school special drug talk. This is after-school special drug talk run through a special lameness translator. Doucheholefish, if you will.
Zeiss: Script was punched up by Dan Quayle.
Zeiss: I just can't get over that kid's face/ He's like a dorky Kaneda.
Delcat: Well, what did you think they made the joint out of?
Zeiss: "Square"? What are they, Durfniks?

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Zeiss: It's the cover of Brian Eno's Before And After Ariake.
Delcat: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh
Zeiss: "Huhn! Yabba!"
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: He has six teeth in his upper jaw and eighty in the lower. Is that...is that okay?
Zeiss: DRUGS'LL DO THAT TO YA
Zeiss: Boy, Chick really hates teeth for some reason. First they're bleeding, now this.
Delcat: "Haw haw!" Wow, Nelson cleans up pretty nice.
Delcat: I could go for a coke and sherry, thank you for asking.
Zeiss: Well, "Jimbo" did show up, so I guess it makes sense that Nelson would too.
Zeiss: Why he's in drag, though, that's the mystery.
Delcat: Being Stupid Enough to Drink Whatever Anyone Hands to Me Without Even Looking in the Glass: My anti-drug.
Zeiss: I think he's just hallucinating the people in the second panel, actually.
Delcat: Jeez, poor kid.
Delcat: What is it a cocktail with, anyway? Bees?
Zeiss: AAAAARGH THEY'RE IN MY TRACTS

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Delcat: I honestly thought that was an elderly woman in that first panel for, like, ten seconds.
Zeiss: We've secretly replaced Curt with Cesar Romero as the Joker. Let's see if anyone notices.
Delcat: It took contextual clues to work it out.
Zeiss: Wait, I thought this was a skanky high school drug party. How the hell did Stallone end up here?
Delcat: Are any of these partygoers below forty? There you are, then. He's the chaperone.
Delcat: Is his mother being in an accident supposed to...I don't know, be anything other than random? Did the drugs do that do? Is it a butterfly effect?
Zeiss: "Town is *that* way, man."
Delcat: "OW GUYS I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WANT ME TO LOOK AT MY OWN FOREHEAD BUT IT'S STARTING TO HURT MY EYES REALLY BAD"

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Zeiss: Is he supposed to be Hall or Oates?
Delcat: "This your kid? Yeah, he has the YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHs. Worst case I've ever seen."
Zeiss: Doug's going to have to sell his beet collection now.
Delcat: Hm...we have drugs, we have doctors...where's House?
Zeiss: Off in another Tract about lupus, I guess.
Delcat: Why do they have him on a blood drip? He didn't get hurt. Did the drugs dissolve his blood?
Zeiss: Maybe it was those imaginary little men from two pages ago.
Delcat: Zeiss...I have this terrible feeling that Doug is going to turn around, and he's going to have no face.
Zeiss: D=
Delcat: BAD TRIP, DUDE, BAD TRIP
Delcat: Oh, this was back when they actually had state-run mental institutions. They turfed patients out on the streets when they de-institutionalized, you know? So somewhere, on some street corner, there's a man forever staring at his own forehead and saying YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Really makes you think.
Zeiss: ...And thus Jack Chick's career was begot!
Delcat: OH SNAP

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Delcat: Oh...oh, he has a face. Thank God.
Zeiss: NO NO IT'S EVEN WORSE
Zeiss: HE'S ARCH HALL JR.!
Delcat: Although it does all seem to be migrating in toward his nose.
Delcat: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Zeiss: "No insurance? Wow-dee-wow-WOW!"
Delcat: "The whole world", of course, only referring to America.
Zeiss: So God's just gonna start bitchslapping people? That's what he's making it sound like.
Delcat: I think He's gonna show the world Ariake.
Delcat: I know that made ME see and feel things that scared me to death.
Zeiss: "Did I tell you my brother is filled with water? My brother is filled with water."
Zeiss: WATCH OUT FOR CHICKS

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Zeiss: Oh for God's sakes, I wish every tract didn't have to have Jesus stuff crammed into it.
Delcat: Yeah, it'd be nice if he did one once in a while on something totally unrelated.
Delcat: Like those fake Chick tracts Teodor made for Phillipe in Achewood.
Zeiss: ...Now I'm imagining a Jack Chick run on Sandman. Actually, we saw Dream in the first panel, so we're halfway there.
Delcat: "HOW TO DRAW A PORCUPINE'S HOUSE EVERY TIME" "THE TRUTH ABOUT WHEN HIPPOPOTAMUSES PEE"
Delcat: I could really see Chick in one of the side vignettes.
Delcat: "In an upper-middle class neighborhood, a maker of religious pamphlets dreams of oiled boys feeding him olives. He turns fitfully in his sleep."
Zeiss: "But what's Jesus got to do with it? He's been dead 2,000 years." "Don't you mean "Dead *time* 2,000 years"?"
Zeiss: Fucking hell Del what have you done.
Zeiss: Next time on Sandman, we meet the eighth Endless: Durf.
Delcat: I can't help it, man, whenever I read Sandman Neil Gaiman is in my head narrating for the rest of the day. It's a curse. A beautiful, beautiful curse.

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Zeiss: It's Devastatin' Dave!
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: Ah, I was wondering why a vaguely brownish person was allowed to be the mouthpiece this time. It's so he could be the filthy drug pusher.
Zeiss: No, no, Dave always told us to say "No to drugs!"
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: Does this go back to a traumatic grade school experience, Zeiss?
Zeiss: I'd hope not, for Dave's sake.
Zeiss: Maybe somebody stole the "ZAP!" from his crotch?
Delcat: OBJECTION! Doug claimed to know nothing about Jesus, yet knows about the crucifixion! Your Honor, he is clearly hiding something!
Zeiss: Maybe he just knows what a crucifiction is, from home experience.
Delcat: Man, I hate Roman Torture Tuesdays. Almost as bad as Monopoly Mondays.
Zeiss: We also have to make an edit for this that replaces all of Doug's dialogue with "ROXYYYYYYYY".
Zeiss: "My life was falling apart. Then I set myself straight by cutting four inches off my forehead."

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Zeiss: I take it back. He's not Dave, he's Soul Rowsdower.
Delcat: Jesus is taking over our governments? Now, Chick, I like Obama too, but I wouldn't go THAT far.
Delcat: You know, I've never understood why squares get such a bad rap. They're a respectable little shape.
Zeiss: I don't know why he would paint cacti on the walls, but hey, whatever's good for him.
Zeiss: FOUR SIDES GOOD, THREE SIDES BAD
Delcat: Now, rectangles, on the other hand...a rectangle stole my wallet once.
Delcat: oh wow no one is going to get that
Delcat: that is officially the most obscure joke I have ever made
Zeiss: Look out for the "For Rectangular Audiences" version of this tract, coming soon.
Delcat: "People don't know this, unless you count over eighty percent of Americans today."
Zeiss: Hey, I made three Eegah! jokes, so it all evens out in the end.

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Delcat: Man, you know what really gets me off? Text-heavy comics. Love 'em so fuckin' much. Unf.
Zeiss: Wait, now he's a mustachioed Dr. Hibbert.
Delcat: It's like they realized how much of a field day we were having with the art and put up a protective barrier.
Zeiss: I miss Durf.
Delcat: Yeah, where did Durf go? Durf's the man.
Zeiss: They used up his ink for the weird shadow things that are going on here.
Delcat: So that's why Satan collects souls? He's just really fucking spiteful? You'd think he'd get a hobby.
Zeiss: Well, we did see how constipated he was in the first panel. I guess that must cloud his judgement.
Delcat: You know, in Pilgrim's Progress, there's a character conveniently named Pliable, who immediately decides to go with Christian when he sets off on his journey. He ends up turning around at the first obstacle because his decisions were only skin-deep. Which means that according to a well-loved piece of Christian literature, these five-minute conversions from every freaking Chick tract in existence are going to wander off and worship the next thing they find shiny.
Zeiss: Maybe that's why there are so many. They're chronicling the same people, going endlessly around the wheel of births and deaths.
Delcat: "Don't believe what the world tells you! This gum wrapper is REALLY the one that will lead you to salvation!"
"I LOVE YOU GUM WRAPPER DADDAY"
"Do you have to keep doing that? It got old like an hour ago."

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Zeiss: "Curt graduated from high school and grew up to be Jerry Falwell."
Delcat: This explains sooooo much. Actually, didn't the expose from his kids mention morphine abuse?
Zeiss: Hey, I think I know what this snark needs to be!
Delcat: What?
Zeiss: Kapish!
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: I thought he was trying to offer him hashish and fumbling because he was so stoned.
Zeiss: I'M LOOKIN' FOR ANOTHER PURE DURF IN MY LIFE~
Delcat: I wish I knew how to pronounce the Chick Swear. I bet it means something really filthy.
Zeiss: THERE ONCE WAS A CURT, PURE AND EASY, DURFIN' SO FREE LIKE A TRACT WHISTLIN' BY~
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: THE DURF IS ETERNAL, I HEAR HIM, HE SEES ME
Zeiss: FOREVER WE'RE PREACHIN', TOGETHER WE'LL GET HIGH
Delcat: ...actually, that last line sounds like it COULD be in a song by The Who.

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Delcat: FAR OUT, MAN. I will now remind the readers that this was written in 1987.
Delcat: "Durrr, my dealer is leaving and I'm going to be in withdrawal this time tomorrow. Maybe I should be concerned about this."
Zeiss: "Heroin, it's my life and it's my wife, and it shrinks my forearms liek whoa."
Zeiss: No, wait, he's gone to "another dimension".
Zeiss: IT'S OKAY, HE BROUGHT HIS PARACHUTE
Delcat: "You are now entering another dimension. A dimension not of sight and sound, but of durf. There's Bobby by the signpost on the highway, you are now entering...the Chick Tract Zone."
Delcat: Hey, did he bend that spoon with his mind? Drugs give you PSI power!
Zeiss: "Jim is murdered by The Hunter...and even more so by The Artist."
Delcat: ~IF WE WOULD ALL LIGHT JUST ONE LITTLE CANDLE...we'd overdose until our eyes crossed, I guess.
Zeiss: I don't see why he needs a candle when he's got a planetary nebula in his basement.
Delcat: Really, I don't know why he bothered with the candle. He could have just cooked his junk on his headglowDANGIT ZEISS YOU STEPPED ON IT
Delcat: I CAN'T WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: DON'T YOU TEACUP ME
Delcat: YEAH I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO CLICK IT THIS TIME
Zeiss: OH NOW YOU'RE JUST MAKING STUFF UP

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Zeiss: *JESUS, AND I CAN'T EVEN WIPE MY ASS WITH THESE*
Delcat: Okay, so the moral I'm getting here is that if you push drugs for Satan, you'll become beloved among the community, get a college scholarship, get rich, and basically succeed at life.
Zeiss: On second thought, those aren't horns...he's just an Anomalocaris with a Trent Reznor standee glued to his underbelly.
Delcat: I'd better get started, here. Let's see, what have I got...hey buddy, can I interest you in the second half of a month's worth of birth control? Birth you up real good.
Zeiss: *checks* I see you have the Durf Stamp of Approval
Delcat: I think his horns are on backwards. Unless maybe he's a gazelle or something.
Delcat: "Yes, my fingers are three times as long as the average person's, and guess where they're ALL going."
Zeiss: It looks like the artist realized he was drawing a sinful teenager's bare chest and just stopped.
Delcat: It's nice that Satan takes the time out of his day to greet really inconsequential souls. Shows real pride in the family business.
Zeiss: This guy and Crepsley should have a point-off.
Delcat: Too bad it can't happen, since vampires either turn into stars or ghosts. ...wait a second, this tract is FULL of ghosts! ZEISS THIS TRACT IS ABOUT VAMPIRES.
Zeiss: GODDAMNIT WHY IS EVERYTHING ABOUT VAMPIRES
Zeiss: DON'T TELL ME JIMBO WAS "INTO VAMPIRISM" TOO
Delcat: VAMPIRISM IS A GATEWAY DRUG TO PEDOPHILIA
Zeiss: WHICH IS A GATEWAY TO DANCING
Delcat: Well, the only page left is the standard "How to pray" textdump, and I don't think I can be bothered. Can you?
Zeiss: Uh...post it anyway, we might was well go for completeness.

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Delcat: Darn, now I'm bothered :<
Delcat: Specifically, I'm bothered by that tiny-ass text. I have a cataract, you bastard! And so does everyone who takes these seriously, because they are OLD years old!
Zeiss: If you trusted Jesus as your saviour, turn to page 32.
Delcat: If you drank what someone handed you without even looking in the glass, turn to page 114.
Delcat: Fucking page 114, the bane of my seven-year-old existence.
Zeiss: To find out what happened to Durf, send 17 proofs of purchase to Chick Industries, Ltd.
Delcat: So, what did you learn today?
Zeiss: That the Redenbachers are the ancient Satanic benefactors of the Clintons?
Delcat: Well, at least we can take that away with us.

You two were our versions of Slyvester Stallone or Jacky Chan or Bruce Lee or Pre-ODG Steven Segal, WHY ARE YOU LOWERING YOURSELF TO SUCH EASY TARGETS?

Because, weed, this is not the who-has-the-bigger-fanfic-balls pissing contest you seem to think it is. Snarking is about having fun and making people laugh, not about going "I SNARKED SOMETHING REALLY HORRIBLE" "OH YEAH I SNARKED SOMETHING EVEN MORE HORRIBLE THAN THAT". Chick tracts are always funny, thus they are fun to do.

Besides, I spent four years as a Catholic as a Baptist school. I can say firsthand that people believe this bullshit, and as long as that's true, they're their special kind of awful, and something that should be spoken out against.

Also, there are three of us, you asshole, Inky's just been busy lately. And by our powers combined, we are cooler than Slyvester Stallone and Jacky Chan put together, although Sylvester Stallone and Jackie Chan might give us a run for our money.


Keep failing, Unskilled. Keep on failing.

We are cooler than Ali & Murat put together, you mean.

Oh, and Skillet: We're deliberately trying to do some of the lesser gems in the Chick catalogue (IE, anything Jabberwock hasn't done). If you're going to be that much of a cockhorse about it, go snark something on vinyl.

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

cockhorse

Wanna know what's frightening? I KNOW I read this tract when I was a teenager. Which would've been some time in the mid to late 1970s. And even then, I was wondering why all the kids in them looked like they were stuck in the 1950s, wearing lettermen's sweaters and pleated plaid skirts.

I'd forgotten how awful Chick tracts were Maybe because when I was younger, I honestly believed everything they said. Thankfully, I got better.

Andrew and Morgan have a sizable collection of Chick tracts they accumulated via a bunch of fundie kids who used to hang out at McDonald's. I can only assume they took one look at Andrew, with his tattoos and hair dyed Chianti red and decided both these guys were doomed to hell. And that was BEFORE Morgan told them he was gay.

Is there a reason why I can't see a single one of your page scans, Del?
I keep getting sent to Imageshack's home page.

The Unoriginal wrote:

I keep getting sent to Imageshack's home page.

I can't, either. I assumed it was a setting somewhere in Firefox - I read the Chick tract; I can't match it up with the sporking but then it's past my bedtime.

Imageshack's been pulling down Delcat's stuff for a week or two now; they frown on Not Work Safe stuff, and some of what she and Zeiss have been snarking definitely qualifies. They must have gone delete happy, though, because Jack Trick may be Not Brain Safe, but he is Work Safe.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] is similar to Imageshack, but allows NSW stuff as long as you flag it.

Aaaargh, I'm sorry, guys > < It worked so well to begin with. Thank you for the link, Trioculus, I'll try switching to that. In the meantime, you can read the tract in full here, I just didn't want to direct-link if I could help it because he's been known to BAAAAAW down MiSTies before. Sorry.

It doesn't make sense. You don't just give a prospective new customer a PCP-cocktail. He'll never come back to buy more drugs, is he? And you don't want your other customers to think they're likely to get bad stuff from you.

It's not even properly rationalised like 'Dude owes me mucho money, but he's never gonna pay up, so I'm gonna put the word out what happens if you try to fuck with me.'

You know what Chick does for me? He makes me feel good. Because my drawings of people may be pretty bad right now, but at least they look like people and not deformed nuclear fallout victims.

He's basically the Rob Liefeld of religious cartoons. He's been writing these things for close to 50 years (maybe longer), and his style hasn't improved one iota. His people still all look like they're suffering from, as Lapin pointed out, mutation from nuclear fall-out. His bad guys are so over-the-top, all they're lacking is a moustache to twirl while they're tying the young Christian virgin to the tracks for refusing their advances.