Final Crisis as written by Jack Chick

Since this isn't Harry Potter or anime, I will arrogantly assume that I'm the only one who understands it, and provide a brief summery of the source material:

Spoiler:

This is Darkseid. He is the god and dark lord of evil and sadism and thus kind of a dick. He is also the villain of Jack Kirby's four-decade long Fourth World story at DC Comics, and the one being in existence that can drive even Superman into a murderous rage.

In DCs' recent crossover Final Crisis, unlike every supervillain ever, Darkseid won. He seized control of the media and used it to brainwash everyone, because ruler, and inflicted his horrible agenda of pain and suffering upon all the world. Of course, it turned out that he just stole that plan from the Obama administration, but whatevs, it worked.

Crimes committed during his rule include universal genocide against all races, rape, murder, socialism, general sadism inflicted upon everyone, destroying the entire planet, and including a sex scene with Snapper Carr and a cat lady in his crossover.

He was ultimately defeated through a series of wacky hijinks involving Batman shooting him with a time-traveling god-bullet, all of humanity cooperating to build a literal dues ex machina in Superman's basement, the Flash running faster than the speed of DEATH, a universal monitor calling upon the very essence of creation to defend itself, and singing. It was a very trippy story.

It's a shame they went through all that trouble, because according to this guy, he could have been beaten insatantly if someone had just bothered to pray.

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Darkseid's invasion was perfect. The world was his to own. Superman was no where to be found, Wonder Woman was under his control, Batman had been captured, Green Lantern off world, Flash was acting like a ghost shifting from place to place. The rest of the Heroes were locked in their fortresses planning and failing.

All true. So, what are you gonna do about it?

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In a small Utah church a man kneels praying for help.

Oh, that.

Given that Darkseid has already knocked the embodiment of God's wrath on his punkass, I fail to see how prayer is going to help.

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His name was Daniel Winter a former soldier from Afganistan.

What an odd name for an Afghan dude. So, this apparently ex-Taliban Muslim dude is praying, when who should show up but Jesus.

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Jesus smiled and touched Daniel's forehead. A white light appeared covering the man. As it died down a knight covered in silver
armor riding a white horse appeared. "Your armor will protect you from their guns and Darkseid's Omega beams. Your sword will cut through your enemies freeing their minds without harming their bodies. Go now and stop this evil."

As this story is written by a fundie, God is extremely stupidly literal and gives him a bunch of archaic combat gear based on some metaphors that Jesus probably once used, instead of just handing him The Great Big Gun of Fuck Darkseid.

YOU KNOW HE CAN MAKE THAT. HE'S GOD.

And thus, Daniel Winter becomes FUNDIEMAN, who proves that with great power comes great preachiness. Eh, I've heard worse origin stories (Bloodlines).

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The Knight nodded as he rode out of the church. With speeds faster than light Daniel rode all the way to Metropolis.

At least He gave this dude a horse that's equipped with a hyperdrive.

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Slowing down his horse he stopped in front of Darkseid and his reincarnated servants. Lex Luthor stood by Libra wondering who this new warrior was and how foolish he was to enter the center of the Hell that took control of the Earth. Daniel drew his blade pointing it right at Darkseid. "Darkseid for your crimes against Heaven and Earth I have been chosen by the one true God to end you."

Unfortunately, Danny is too stupid to skewer Darkseid at superluminal speed and end this without a fight. Instead, he quotes Bible verses at the god of evil who's very existence probably disproves some parts of the Bible. I mean, I don't know how religion works in the DC universe, but considering that one of it's most famous people is a clay statue brought to life by Zeus and company, I'd say it probably doesn't work the same way as it does in real life.

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Guns aimed at Daniel firing mercilessly. After a minute thefiring stopped as the Knight remain unharmed. The armor remain
clean and bright as it was when he first arrived."Ephesians six verse eleven through thirteen, Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." Daniel quoted.

This verse means that if you are a true Christian, you will be bulletproof.

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In a rage Darkseid threw an axe at the knight. Raising the shield the axe collided with the shield almost knocking the knight down. "So you do have a weakness." Darkseid said with a malichious smile.

But JUST bulletproof. Jesus said nothing about axes. Read the Bible, it's all right there in Revelations somethingorother. Right next to the verse about the eagle cleansing the lands of Saddam Hussein. I swear I saw it on the Internet.

So Darkseid takes an axe that he got from somewhere, and fights Fundieman to a standstill. Fundieman gets knocked around a bit, but it doesn't make it feel any less one-sided. It's kinda like the final battle in any movie where the hero is played by Mel Gibson. Actually, it's exactly like that.

And of course, he eventually quotes a Bible verse that allows him to triumph.

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"Impossible. How can a mere human best me?" The tyrant shrieked in horror.

This line is probably only funny to me. When I imagine Darkseid's voice, I imagine Darkseid's voice. Can you imagine that guy ever "shrieking?"

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Lex Immediately turned himself in, where within three months he start preaching the word of God amazed at what he had seen.

He later started protesting the funerals of dead soldiers, carrying a sign that said "GOD HATES KRYPTONIANS."

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Daniel returned the armor and horse to God before going back to his family.

It turns out Jesus doesn't truly give salvation, but loans it for a reasonable price.

For some reason, what strikes me as the most improbable part of this is Lex converting. I'd expect him to try and steal the armor, or at least obtain a DNA sample from the horse that he can use to genetically engineer a divine-horse army under his control...

Lysander wrote:

As this story is written by a fundie, God is extremely stupidly literal and gives him a bunch of archaic combat gear based on some metaphors that Jesus probably once used, instead of just handing him The Great Big Gun of Fuck Darkseid.

YOU KNOW HE CAN MAKE THAT. HE'S GOD.

Words cannot describe how much I want to see that gun. Given the dude its' designed to take down it would have to be feckin epic.

Why is the armor always some sort of bastardized 15th-century plate? If it's not going to be ancient Greek armor from the era of the Prophets, or Roman armor from the time of Jesus, why not some nice modern kevlar and ceramic? Why did its development get to the 15th century and just stop?

Would asking a fundie that make his brain implode?

Wandering Critic wrote:

Why is the armor always some sort of bastardized 15th-century plate? If it's not going to be ancient Greek armor from the era of the Prophets, or Roman armor from the time of Jesus, why not some nice modern kevlar and ceramic? Why did its development get to the 15th century and just stop?

Because our dear Champion of God here is supposed to be a knight, and everyone knows that knights lived in the 15th century, WC.

... What's that? "The Crusades took place during the 11th-13th century, and that was the heyday of knights, holy or otherwise"? Hush now - this is fundie-fuelled badfic! Such pesky things as logic need not apply. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Would asking a fundie that make his brain implode?

No, but it might get him to froth at the mouth.

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Daniel returned the armor and horse to God before going back to his family.

I love how it just ends - he returns his holy Rent-A-Horse and goes back home, where his family is like "Oh hai Daniel, where ya been?" and Daniel's like "I just toppled a dark villain more powerful than the avatar of God, same ol', same ol'" and nothing else happens. You'd think Fundie Fannit might let him bask a bit more in the glory of being holy awesome, but nope.

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"You must submit your will to Darkseid!"

...ahh Chick Parodies.

Wandering Critic wrote:

Why is the armor always some sort of bastardized 15th-century plate? If it's not going to be ancient Greek armor from the era of the Prophets, or Roman armor from the time of Jesus, why not some nice modern kevlar and ceramic? Why did its development get to the 15th century and just stop?

Dressing as a knight to fight Darkseid makes about as much sense as dressing like a pirate, only it's less cool. What does putting on a ren faire costume have to do with Jesus?

Personally, if I were going to make a Jesus based superhero, his power would be to shoot iron nails from his palms. WRONG!

If God was so interested in taking down Darkseid, why didn't He just smite him Himself?

Lady Anne wrote:

If God was so interested in taking down Darkseid, why didn't He just smite him Himself?

See, that's what I was wondering. He laid entire nations to waste with lightening bolts and earthquakes. He parted the red sea so his children could escape, and then drown a couple hundred thousand Egyptians. You think some wanna-be god from another dimension is going to cause him trouble?