Jack Chick makes douchenozzles have strokes in "The Monster"!

Zeiss Manifold: Alright, ready to start when you are.
Delcat: Hokieday. Do we need an introduction?
Zeiss Manifold: I think we might as well for the viewers at home. Del?
Delcat: Hey kids, it's another Chick tract! This one is about...what is this one about, Zeiss?
Zeiss Manifold: Uh...wait, what IS it about?
Delcat: Dude, they all run together after a while. I'm gonna assume evolution.
Zeiss Manifold: SEXY ROCK AND ROLL DUNGEON evolution.
Delcat: That's the best kind, man.

Quote :

Cover

Zeiss Manifold: Look out! Dee Snyder radiation!
Delcat: Apparently, evolution eventually leads to smaller and smaller ties, possibly as a defense against dominant sock species in the laundry room.
Delcat: Man, Bela Lugosi has really let himself go, and that's saying something.
Zeiss Manifold: He looks like Count Floyd.
Delcat: So, is this the original manga that Monster was based on? 'Cause it looks a little different, but I'm all gung-ho to read it if it is.
Zeiss Manifold: LET'S FIND OUT

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Page 1

Delcat: Well, we have one anime characteristic, at least--he just threw that coffee cup so hard the air pressure took a chunk out of that lady. LATTE NO JUTSU!
Zeiss Manifold: I actually knew a guy named A.J. once. He was a hardcore Catholic who wore a scapular every day and always changed the subject to the Book of Revelations. It's kind of fitting that he shows up here, really.
Delcat: Funny, I knew a guy named A.J. once who was a hardcore Baptist. Maybe it's short for "A Jesus"?
Zeiss Manifold: "And draw a picture of one of those graph thingys on his wall. It'll let the people know that he's businessy and stuff."
Delcat: It's a shame you can only see half of it, since it degenerates into smiley faces and trees and kites on the right side.
Zeiss Manifold: "You can't even make a decent cup of coffee!"
Zeiss Manifold: Try saying that out loud, it's awkward as hell.
Delcat: I think he has Tourette's. 1923 Tourette's. YOU DUMB BROAD.
Zeiss Manifold: New! Bacon Curtains! All the good taste of bacon combined with the sheer practicality of curtains!"
Delcat: It looks like his face AND his hand were smashed with a sledgehammer in the second panel. That must be a REALLY bad cup of coffee.
Zeiss Manifold: COFFEEHAMEHAAAAAA
Zeiss Manifold: ...Actually, those curtains look jerked. My mistake.
Delcat: Hey, it's all pork to me, man.

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Page 2

Zeiss Manifold: "God will get you for this, Donald Pleasance!”
Delcat: No, honey, the line is "God? WELL AREN'T YOU A DUDLEY DO-RIGHT". Let's try it again.
Zeiss Manifold: "The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish-tenders?"
Delcat: Man, this guy is pretty hardcore. No pleading, no reasoning, no rational threats, just "GOD WILL GET YOU FOR THIS". I bet he says the same thing when he gets shortchanged by three cents at the supermarket due to a bad coupon.
Zeiss Manifold: One of my favorite things to do while reading Chick tracts is to try and ape the character's facial expressions. You learn a lot that way.
Delcat: Like people are not actually made out of soggy matzo balls?
Zeiss Manifold: Like, that's really a "I just stuffed a fistful of horseradish into my left nostril" face than anything.
Delcat: His suitcase appears to be moving on its own. Could it be a long-lost relative of the Luggage?
Zeiss Manifold: Maybe it's the luggage threatening him with damnnation in the second panel, and not Japan guy.
Delcat: It looks like someone attacked his scalp with a gardener's fork.
Zeiss Manifold: But the Donald Pleasance could not evade the claws of the bear, and that is why the Donald Pleasance has its stripes.

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Page 3

Zeiss Manifold: FANG SIGHTING
Delcat: OH MY GOD ZEISS THAT KID HAS A FANG SHIRT
Zeiss Manifold: YAY
Zeiss Manifold: CHRISTMAS IS SAVED
Delcat: WHERE ARE THEY SELLING FANG SHIRTS IS IT JABBERWOCK'S CAFEPRESS I WANT ONE AAAAAH
Zeiss Manifold: First panel: Say what you will about A.J., it was nice of him to hire the Ostrich Man.
Delcat: You know, you'd be less disappointed if you hired businesspeople instead of a group of inner city toughs from a Very Special Episode of Saved by the Bell.
Zeiss Manifold: "So I'm taking your bonuses to my workshop, my dear. I'll fix them up there, then I'll bring them back here."
Delcat: I thought it was the dark side of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, not the Grinch. I didn't know Chick went in for that secular fol-de-rol.
Zeiss Manifold: Second panel: It's Frida Kahlo, and her prized portrait of half of Burt Reynolds' face. And also, her mustache is missing.
Delcat: faaaang shiiiiiirt

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Page 4

Zeiss Manifold: Now there's that mustache!
Delcat: Couldn't they be...y'know, praying for starving children in Africa or something, instead of a grown man who's clearly made his own choices to be an utter jerkwad?
Zeiss Manifold: From left to right: Phil Ken Sebben, Joni Mitchell, Jennifer Love Hewitt, John Waters, and special guest star Natalie Portman as Padme.
Delcat: Really? I was thinking Bad Guy from James Bond, David Bowie, Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka, and...some other dude
Zeiss Manifold: "Now watch as God answers their prayer!" "BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED, I AM GOD"
Delcat: Man, that composition is so bad I can feel my eyes bruising. "I dunno, just cram a bunch of people together on a linear plane in no particular orderly fashion."
Zeiss Manifold: I mean, they've even got a five-man band thing going on. I'm expecting Voltron to show up or something.
Delcat: MAYBE HE WILL

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Page 5

Delcat: Or maybe not. So much for that Christmas miracle.
Zeiss Manifold: Are they calling from another tract entirely? What is this, Crisis On Infinite Chicks?
Delcat: More like Crisis on Infinite DICKS
Delcat: wait sorry, forgot where we were for a moment. Dangit, that would've been appropriate in ANY other snark we've done.
Zeiss Manifold:

Spoiler:

Delcat: You know, I've heard of bad things happening in threes, but this really seems like a purposeful surprise party of HOORAY YOU'RE FUCKED. They must have been planning this for months.
Zeiss Manifold: Another tumultous day at the Giant Fuck-off Brick Factory.
Delcat: One thing's for sure, though, I wish I was rich enough to have a miniature volcano instead of a fountain in my pond.

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Page 6

Zeiss Manifold: IT'S MY MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW
Zeiss Manifold: That pane...it's like a Batman sound effect for the illiterate. STROKE!
Delcat: It looks like he's been punching himself in the face repeatedly in the second panel, which makes me think the real "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME" is because God is going "STOP HITTING YOURSELF STOP HITTING YOURSELF". Which, y'know, would be the petty cherry on the vindictive sundae.
Delcat: How are the kids on her side? I thought they were popping out babies and getting frisked by th' po-po.
Zeiss Manifold: First panel: A.J. reacts to distress by dropping by about a foot and turning into Homer Simpson.
Delcat: I don't think the lawyer has a briefcase, I think the lawyer is attempting to calm him by holding onto the back of a chair informally. It isn't helping.

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Page 7

Zeiss Manifold: "God's just like whaling on this one dude out of nowhere, man."
Delcat: Remember, kids, God isn't loving or understanding, He's the ultimate hardcase and will mess up your FACE if you don't straighten up and fly right. And cut your hair, you look like a gorram hippie.
Zeiss Manifold: Second panel: Oh, he's just depressed because his attempt to be Eratosthenes failed. It takes more than two pens and three inches, buddy!
Delcat: She looks like when you push all the facial feature slider bars in Sims 2 as tiny as they can go, then make the head as big as possible. All she needs is for her eyes to be turned sideways and her teeth to be chipping out of her lips and she'd be one of MY Sims.
Zeiss Manifold: You have way too much fun with that stuff, Del.
Delcat: I'm a terrible person :D
Delcat: Is that Alfred Hitchcock on the far right? Aw man, I hope so.

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Page 8

Delcat: Shirley, you jest!
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 1: John Waters tries to talk some sense into A.J., while Frida settles for doing the Robot in front of a funhouse mirror.
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 2. ITTY BITTY BABY BOAT
Delcat: This guy has been having one long, mobile stroke for the past three pages. He doesn't need spiritual guidance, he needs an ambulance.
Delcat: He needs to shave. Like, his entire head. Including his lips.
Zeiss Manifold: Habeeb it!

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Page 9

Zeiss Manifold: "First name's the 'Nebu', middle name's the 'Chad', last name's the 'Nezzar'!"
Delcat: Crap, I can't think of him as anything but "Nebby K. Nezzar". VeggieTales has ruined me.
Delcat: "Oh, brother! My hand is a chestburster and it's about to give me a face full of alien wing wong!"
Zeiss Manifold: "Nebuchadnezzar was a man who straddled two worlds - the corridors of power in ancient Babylonia, and the first world of Super Mario Land."
Delcat: Oh fuck, you can even see that stupid lion boss, I HATED that!
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 2: NOT MY FAULT, MONKEY BASTARD HANDS
Delcat: Panel 2: You remember that bit in the X-Men movie where Senator Kelly turns into a walking jellyfish? I think we're about to see a repeat performance.
Delcat: Uh, Zeiss...do those pillars remind you of anything?
Zeiss Manifold:

Spoiler:

Delcat: YES, I DO! They're like...THE BULLRUSHES FROM KATAMARI! Ah man, those are always so great for bulk. Good times, good times.

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Page 10

Zeiss Manifold: "Jack Palance IS Daniel!"
Delcat: Gosh, Daniel sure is white. Yup, white white white. White.
Delcat: Look out, Daniel, they'll shoot vague round projectiles at you!
Zeiss Manifold: Del, what do you expect from a tract where the hero has a Hitler-stache?
Delcat: I had a dream that made me afraid last night. There was this thing like a cross between a horse and a kitten, except it was burned to death and still screaming. And then I had a PC run by hamsters but my cat ate them all so I couldn't access my desktop. What does that mean?
Zeiss Manifold: You have to remember that his all happened before Samson & Sally was invented. People were more easily scared back then.
Delcat: Zeiss, I am asking for a professional opinion, here. DOES THIS MEAN MY HAMSTER-RUN PC STARTUP IS GOING TO FAIL?
Zeiss Manifold:

Spoiler:

Delcat: NOOOOOO MY LIFE RODENT SAVINGS

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Page 11

Delcat: Jeez, kind of a dick move, there.
Zeiss Manifold: IT'S THE CIRRRRRRCLE OF LIFE, AND IT GIVES US CASTRATION ANXIETY
Delcat: Your balls give shade to the animals? Daaaaaang, Zeiss.
Delcat: I thought only Narwhal had a set that big.
Zeiss Manifold: If Chick wanted to make that not look like a cock, he didn't do a good job. Look, it's even got a ring.
Delcat: And a urethra.
Zeiss Manifold: Not to mention an angel smacking it down with the flat of his powerful, shining sword.
Delcat: ...wait a second. Elephant, elephant, rhino, giraffe...kangaroo?
Delcat: Fuck me, are we back in Swiss Family Robinson territory? I HATED that book.
Delcat: Penguins and ostriches on the same island my fat white ASS.
Zeiss Manifold: If you squint, you can see that Chick just traced over an Allosaur head to make the tree.
Delcat: And THAT'S how the dinosaurs got extinctededed, class

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Page 12

Zeiss Manifold: “Barbas“: The Beards of Fate.
Delcat: ABRAHAM LINCOLN FREAKOUT TUESDAY
Zeiss Manifold: First panel: Chick has wayyyy too much fun with the magnetic filing set.
Delcat: Aw, fudge, is that it? I thought it was a box of kittens.
Delcat: DANIEL, HOW'D IT GET BURNED
Zeiss Manifold: I...DON'T...KNOW
Delcat: HOW'DITGETBURNEDHOW'DITGETBURNED
Delcat: AND WHERE'S MY HAT, I MISS MY ZIGGURAT HAT
Delcat: MY ZIGGURHAT

TO BE CONTINUED

Wow, the art's even worse than in most Chick tracks.

Excellent snark so far. Can't wait for the rest.

Quote :

Delcat: NOOOOOO MY LIFE RODENT SAVINGS

There, there, Del. You can always sell the rats as snake food and recoup as least some of your losses.

Is the man even still alive, or do they just have a huge conglomerate composed of artists who've been taught how to draw exactly like him? I ask because Jack Chick tracks were common place in Pentecostal churches when I was a small child, and I'm going on 51 now. So either he's older than Methuselah or he's drawing them from the Great Beyond.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Is the man even still alive, or do they just have a huge conglomerate composed of artists who've been taught how to draw exactly like him? I ask because Jack Chick tracks were common place in Pentecostal churches when I was a small child, and I'm going on 51 now. So either he's older than Methuselah or he's drawing them from the Great Beyond.

He is still alive, but he's older than really old dirt, and it's pretty much understood that it's been given over to the ghostwriters for years now. Surprisingly, it doesn't much affect the insanity of the tracts, so we're good there.

Delcat wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Is the man even still alive, or do they just have a huge conglomerate composed of artists who've been taught how to draw exactly like him? I ask because Jack Chick tracks were common place in Pentecostal churches when I was a small child, and I'm going on 51 now. So either he's older than Methuselah or he's drawing them from the Great Beyond.

He is still alive, but he's older than really old dirt, and it's pretty much understood that it's been given over to the ghostwriters for years now. Surprisingly, it doesn't much affect the insanity of the tracts, so we're good there.

They probably were all brainwashed when they were taught how to draw just like him. Speeded up the process.

Wow, God sure is a dick in this one. So if my sister gets mad at me and prays suddenly my life will become a living hell?

Superb snarking! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I like how Chick's self-insert has white irises.

To quote Disturbed, "THEY'RE THE DEVIL'S EYES!"

My favorite people who dole out Chick tracts are the ones who give them to everyone coming out of church after Mass. Those poor Catholics have just spent the last hour being told every un-Christian reason they could be sent to hell, and then they get a poorly-drawn comic telling them they're going to hell for being Catholic.

bleachedblackcat wrote:

Wow, God sure is a dick in this one. So if my sister gets mad at me and prays suddenly my life will become a living hell?

God's a dick in all of them. "You worshipped Me, but you worshipped Me wrong. And for that you must spend eternity in the Lake of Fire!"

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Page 13

Zeiss Manifold: First panel: "...That boy needs therapy."
Delcat: DANIEL, STOP BLOWING THE IMAGINARY SMOKE OFF YOUR FINGER-GUN AND HELP ME
Delcat: God, what is even...he's close enough to pick nits out of Daniel's hair, and he has an expression like he just discovered the Terrible Secret of Space in his combover.
Zeiss Manifold: If only Nebuchadnezzar and Palance's positions were flipped, snarking this page would be a whole lot easier.
Delcat: Still looks like RAEP to me, pardner.
Delcat: Is there, uh...is there actually anything we can say about the second panel to make it any more ridiculous?
Zeiss Manifold: I dunno...Maybe Jack's been keeping gravel in there just in case this sort of thing happened, and Nebby's finding out for the first time.
Delcat: Dude, there are clearly two different people making up the halves of the guy on the slab. This is the worst sawing-a-lady-in-half trick I've ever seen.
Delcat: Also people in the Babylonian Empire wore executioner's masks from 1500 A.D. what do you mean they didn't
Zeiss Manifold: Well,
Zeiss Manifold: I'll allow it seeing how their friends wore Mickey Mouse gloves.
Delcat: Meanwhile, Krankor looks on.

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Page 14

Delcat: NYEAAAAH, THIS IS A TREE, THIS IS YOU
Zeiss Manifold: Hypnotizing someone into thinking they are a tree...I don't even think /d/ has treaded these waters.
Delcat: No, we just haven't refreshed long enough to see it.
Zeiss Manifold: Second panel: It looks like Nebby's making wanking motions in front of a giant maze. Did Chick really expect any kid to be able to solve that?
Delcat: I admire Nebby K., he's a king with a strong right hand. Granted, it's a strong right hand with no thumb and six webbed fingers, but still.
Delcat: Does he have to eat grass like an ox? Couldn't he eat a balanced diet of hay, bran, and occasional oat mash like an ox?
Delcat: They'll never put good, corn-fed meat on those misshapen flanks with that attitude.
Zeiss Manifold: He would not eat grass like an ox! He wouldn't, even in a box!
Delcat: Except THIS story ends with him choking and spitting and cursing at Sam. Whimsically. In rhyme.

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Page 15

Delcat: NSDFKLAJFKLFH'HK'';KFAASDFJL

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: I SMELL A REACTION FACE PARTY
Zeiss Manifold:

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Well this development sure is logical.
Zeiss Manifold: First panel: Okay so I'm totes humble now but that there sombrero building is pretty nice
Zeiss Manifold: Second panel: YABBA
Delcat: I think this tract is about stroke awareness. That's what I'm taking away, here.
Delcat: Probably both this guy and mobile stroke dude didn't ask their doctors about Plavix.
Delcat: Either that, or it's a cautionary tale about the dangers of possessive pronouns.
Zeiss Manifold: Why is the 'i' in 'is' bolded? Is it prideful by proxy?
Delcat: Well, duh. Didn't you take Grammar & Theology this semester?
Zeiss Manifold: Now that's what I call sintax!
Delcat: Wait a second...oh my God, Zeiss, do you know what this means? THIS MAN HAS THE YAAAAAAAAAHS! IT'S BECOME A PANDEMIC!
Zeiss Manifold: HUNH
Zeiss Manifold: YAAAAAHBBA

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Page 16

Zeiss Manifold: I WAS ONCE THE MOST MYSTICAL MAN IN ALL RUSSIA
Delcat: On the whole, I think the rotting corpse was less disgusting.
Delcat: I think I can even see the silhouette of his white, flabby peen.
Zeiss Manifold: I swear, there's a Birth Control album cover that looks exactly like that first panel. It's almost uncanny.
Zeiss Manifold: Now that I think about it, they might both be based on the same painting. I think it's a Picasso from his Yaaaah Period.
Delcat: Panel 3: Female Warrior, on her daily cum-in-pigs walkabout, makes a terrible mistake.
Delcat: It's nice that despite living in total insanity in the Land of the Vague Shading Lines, he still got regular manicures. It's good to have Me Time.
Zeiss Manifold: It looks more like he's eating a rubber chicken than grass of any sort.
Delcat: Are those actually his shoulders in Panel 2, or is his head attached to a hairy potato sack for some reason?

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Page 17

Delcat: HELP, I AM ABOUT TO BE CRUSHED BETWEEN TWO GIANT TETRIS BLOCKS
Zeiss Manifold: You know, I'm not sure that John Waters appreciates all the cameos that Chick gives him.
Delcat: He's just upset that Divine had to eat grass instead of the menstrual blood of a hippo.
Zeiss Manifold: God even made sure that the kingdom would do just fine without him, which kind of defeats the whole point of "restoring" him.
Delcat: So does Chick believe in free will or not? 'Cause if he doesn't, then aren't his tracts futile?
Delcat: I mean, we've got some seriously Calvinist subtext here, and if that's the case, then he might as well sit back, have a mai-tai, and wait for the rest of us to go to Hell.
Zeiss Manifold: I'm failing to see how this is "a lesson for all of us." If God's in "total control" anyways, why does he care one way or the other if someone really likes his popsicle stick diorama?
Delcat: Exactly. Chick, your message is that our future is preordained, there is no hope unless we had our salvation programmed from the get-go, and so WHY ARE WE BOTHERING TO READ THIS
Zeiss Manifold: I MISS FRIDA KAHLO WOMAN

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Page 18

Delcat: "What's that story got to do with me?"
"Nothing. Well, you made the same expression a couple of times. I think you're having a stroke or something. Oh well, have a nice day."
Zeiss Manifold: STARING CONTEST STARING CONTEST
Delcat: observe as my eyebrows divorce each other and crawl to opposite sides of my skull
Zeiss Manifold: "I'm sorry, what was that? I've just discovered that there is a colony of bees living in my colon."
Delcat: Everyone either has the lantern from the Zelda games or has one of those crappy three-square torches you get on your first D&D quest. They really should think about springing for some central lighting.
Delcat: And no, Zeiss, you can't tempt me to another Wicker Man joke. I have risen above it.
Zeiss Manifold: Del, don't make me put on my bear costume.
Delcat: You slug me and I'll get Cyberwulf to give you Indian burns.

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Page 19

Zeiss Manifold: "JOKE'S ON YOU, I HAVE NO NECK"
Zeiss Manifold: The way their faces are, it's like John has been forced to give this speech to Faux-Homer every hour on the hour, and every time Fauxmer just blankly responds with "OOGA BOOGA" faces.
Delcat: Blah blah blaaaaaah, C&P dramatic salvation message page.
Zeiss Manifold: Except that this time, it looks drawn in gel pen. What grade is Chick in?
Delcat: They don't have grades in crazy fundie school, they just ask you once a year whether or not you believe in evolution until you turn eighteen.
Delcat: And if you say "yes", you don't repeat a grade, you get burned at the stake

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Page 20

Delcat: Uhh...what is he doing under the desk, there? I only see one hand. He'd better be paging security, 'cause I can only think of one other reason.
Zeiss Manifold: "I want Jesus! Any kind will do / Don't care if it's religious, or Vatican-approved!"
Delcat: Man, I can't wait until my Static Vomit print carpet gets here. I love vertigo so much, I want it every day!
Delcat: Are those inexplicable action lines on his desk, or did a pair of quotation marks get lost?
Zeiss Manifold: I think they're representing the action going on beneath, hint hint.
Delcat: AND GOD TOOK OVER.
"Chick, you're giving Me a bad name. Cut it out."
Delcat: Hey, I think he's a descendant of Nebby K. Dig the webbed hands.
Zeiss Manifold: No, he simply lost one hand in an accident and had it replaced with a spork.
Delcat: Actually, I think we're seeing the hand in the back. See the bloody stump where the wrist cuts off?
Delcat: The actual text is "YAAAAAAAAAAAH MY HAND MY HAND WAS CUT OFF FUCKING SHIT SOMEONE GLUE THIS BACK ON YAAAAAAAAAAH"
Delcat: as he tries desperately to jam it back on the stump
Delcat: ARE YOU SEEING IT, ZEISS
Zeiss Manifold: Actually I don't really ARGH
Delcat: SEE THE TERRIBLE TRUTH OF JACK CHICK
Delcat: IT CANNOT BE UNSEEN
Zeiss Manifold: SO HE WAS THE ONE WHO LEFT THE HOOK ON THE CAR DOOR
Delcat: IT'S TRUE! AND HE SHALL BE STRUCK DOWN FOR IT!

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Page 21

Delcat: Or, uh, whatever this is.
Zeiss Manifold: First panel: What the hell is the Yellow Kid doing outside of Hogan's Alley?
Zeiss Manifold: Second panel: TAKE IT FROM ME, CHIP HITLER
Delcat: Becoming a parasitic twin to that lady, I think.
Delcat: Like in X-Files.
Zeiss Manifold: I cannot help but imagine Not-John-Waters as having the most flagrantly fahbalous lisp ever. "A.J. got thaved!”
Delcat: I think the real sobering truth is that in Chickland, it doesn't matter whether you're going to Heaven or Hell, you're always going to be ugly.
Delcat: I mean, even the suave protagonist has a harelip slowly growing out of his nose.
Zeiss Manifold: ...I see Ernest, a Vietnamese militiawoman, a cariacture of Fran Drescher, and a guffawing horse-creature. Boy, this is some firm.
Delcat: I like the moral that the effect of double-digit years of abuse and abandonment of your children can be flipped over completely in two days because you change your religion.
Delcat: Not that I have any experience in that area but fuck you Chick fuck you with a flaming chunk of sodium in your trachea forever fuck you.
Delcat: Just my two cents, is all.
Zeiss Manifold: I don't know about you, Del, but Jesus is my social worker.
Delcat: So are they all in the middle of a mudslide or what?
Zeiss Manifold: More like a tar pit.
Delcat: Good, this tract deserves extinction.
Delcat: Ready for the blocktext sendoff?
Zeiss Manifold:

Spoiler:

Delcat: Too bad, man.

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Page 22

Delcat: TEXT.
Delcat: Well, that's another vital message delivered to our heathen souls, Zeiss. How do you feel?
Zeiss Manifold: Well, I'm pretty proud of myself for getting through that. In fact, I-
Delcat: Zeiss? Zeiss, are you okay?
Zeiss Manifold: ...
Zeiss Manifold: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Delcat: *TEST SIGNAL*
Zeiss Manifold: *chews grass*

Am I wrong in thinking this is in the wrong era?

Where there Jews in Babylon? I can only think of Zoroastrians.

AAARRRGH!!!!!

This hurts my head! There is no logic! It reminds me of someone I used to work with!

He became Christian because someone did this EXACT same thing to him! And he believed this Chick SHIT! He about had an stroke when I told him that the story of Daniel was supposed to have taken place in Egypt and not Babylon! He had never even read the Bible!

There were no Jews in Babylon! Judaism had not even been thought of yet!

SHIT!!

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

My parents used to buy entire boxes of these tracks and hand them out. Those comics scared the crap out of me when I was little. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

But it makes my heart glad to now see them being snarked. Awesome job! Do you have any other tracks you're planning on doing?

THE WHITE IRISES

THEY STARE INTO MY SOUL

Yorokobi wrote:

Do you have any other tracks you're planning on doing?

We will be doing more, but we don't have any specific titles picked out at the moment. We basically flip through and find the ones with the most mockable art, then check against what's already been done by Jabberwock, who is the undisputed master of Chick-tract snarking. We've also done one other tract here, in which the YAAAAAAAHdemic rears its ugly head.

Penguin wrote:

Those poor Catholics have just spent the last hour being told every
un-Christian reason they could be sent to hell, and then they get a
poorly-drawn comic telling them they're going to hell for being
Catholic.

...you just described my entire high-school existence [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I LOVE YOU, MAN, YOU UNDERSTAND ME

Penguin wrote:

My favorite people who dole out Chick tracts are the ones who give them to everyone coming out of church after Mass. Those poor Catholics have just spent the last hour being told every un-Christian reason they could be sent to hell, and then they get a poorly-drawn comic telling them they're going to hell for being Catholic.

bleachedblackcat wrote:

Wow, God sure is a dick in this one. So if my sister gets mad at me and prays suddenly my life will become a living hell?

God's a dick in all of them. "You worshipped Me, but you worshipped Me wrong. And for that you must spend eternity in the Lake of Fire!"

Yeah but that's normal dickness. This one take it to a new level.

Has Chick ever done a Mormons tract?

bleachedblackcat wrote:

Has Chick ever done a Mormons tract?

Yep. Manages to make Mormon teachings even nuttier than usual, but isn't quite as offensive as the Jehovah's Witness tract. "You're a Jehovah's Witness? Well I hope you like MURDERING CHILDREN."

I throughly enjoy how not only does God not change the guy through love and mercy but through making his hell, but he also punishes the guy's family. The drug charges and the unplanned pregnancy aren't going to go away just because mean daddy found Jebus.

And years of hard feelings and hurt totes go away in a flash the moment the person responsible for the abuse finds Jebus, mm hhmmm!