STEPHENIE MEYER: the woman, the artist, the journey, THE COMIC. Inky, Zeiss, and Smacula take a trip through Smeyer's life!

[01:51] Zeiss Manifold: ...Are you up for snarking a bit of this MYSTERY OBJECT, though?
[01:53] InkWeaver: Sure
[01:53] Zeiss Manifold: ALRIGHT
[01:53] Zeiss Manifold: FIRST I SHALL UPLOAD THE MYSTERY OBJECT TO IMAGESHACK
[01:54] InkWeaver: oh god what the hell is it
[01:54] Zeiss Manifold: THAT'S RIGHT, WRITHE IN ANTICIPATION
[01:54] InkWeaver: ....you
[01:55] InkWeaver: are hedging into creepy anticipation
[01:55] Zeiss Manifold: Oh, this is WORTH creepy anticipation.
[01:55] InkWeaver: D:
[01:55] InkWeaver: what
[01:55] Zeiss Manifold: YOU SHALL SOON SEE FOR YOURSELF
[01:56] InkWeaver: WTF WTF
[01:56] Zeiss Manifold: (IF MY NAME ISN'T DR. BYRON ORPHEUS)
[01:56] InkWeaver: BUT
[01:56] InkWeaver: IT'S NOT
[01:56] Zeiss Manifold: INKY IT WILL GREATLY HELP IF YOU HEAR MY WORDS IN HIS VOICE
[01:56] Zeiss Manifold: Now
[01:56] Zeiss Manifold: are you ready to GAZE upon the Mystery Object?
[01:58] Zeiss Manifold: ARE YOU?
[01:59] InkWeaver: YES
[01:59] InkWeaver: YES
[01:59] InkWeaver: SHOW MEE
[01:59] InkWeaver: AND IT BETTER NOT BE YOUR PENIS OR SOMETHING 'CAUSE THIS IS REALLY WEIRD
[01:59] Zeiss Manifold: NO, IT IS EVEN BETTER
[01:59] Zeiss Manifold: PREPARE
[01:59] Zeiss Manifold: TO FEAST YOUR EYES
[01:59] Zeiss Manifold: ON
[01:59] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:00] InkWeaver: what
[02:00] InkWeaver: WHAT
[02:00] InkWeaver: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
[02:00] InkWeaver: OKAY ZEISS
[02:00] InkWeaver: EXPLAIN
[02:00] InkWeaver: AFORE I THROW YA DOWN AND RAPE YA (Aside: for reference to this quote, please watch this hilarious clip. [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
[02:00] Zeiss Manifold: Oh yes, you shall learn.
[02:00] InkWeaver: I DON'T UNDERSTAAAAAAAAAAAAND
[02:01] InkWeaver: WHY IS SHE SO LOVINGLY RENDERED
[02:01] InkWeaver: WHY
[02:01] Zeiss Manifold: Explaining it would only dilute the experience - for now, take in the sight of a woman birthed from the dodge & burn tool.
[02:01] InkWeaver: Zeiss.
[02:01] InkWeaver: This could be the single greatest find of your life.
[02:01] InkWeaver: CAN WE GET TO WORK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
[02:02] Zeiss Manifold: It could, eh? WELL YOU SHALL SEE FOR YOURSELF
[02:02] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:02] Zeiss Manifold: Ah, the Table Of Contents - such a refreshing oasis sandwiched in between dunes of utter batshit.
[02:03] InkWeaver: Oh dear.
[02:03] InkWeaver: I'll just leave this page up so that later, I can go back to it and feel somehow safe again.
[02:03] InkWeaver: Plus, Smeyer is staring soulessly at me.
[02:03] Zeiss Manifold: Fun fact: I have the same last name as one of these people. This oasis is soiled!
[02:03] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:04] Zeiss Manifold: AWOOOOOO WEREWOLVES AND MORMONS
[02:04] InkWeaver: AWOOOOOOOOOOO GRAVEYARDS AND BAD AUTHORS
[02:05] Zeiss Manifold: Actually, they just go "Ahooo", "Ahow", and "A40000", which makes me wonder if this is really a Werewolf as a Second Language course.
[02:06] InkWeaver: Does that involve such things as sniffing others' privates and licking one's own crotch? 'cause, uh, count me out.
[02:06] Zeiss Manifold: The skeleton hand just half-heartedly sticking out of the lawn just makes it. Even the zombies are half-assed in Meyerland!
[02:07] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:08] InkWeaver: What the hell is this even about? The damn thing is called "Female Force" and it's lovingly rendered, with Smeyer on the front, and now we're in Transylvania with vampires that blow giant bubbles that contain music notes
[02:09] Zeiss Manifold: With modern vampire technology, we can predict with stunning accuracy what Jack Nicholson would look like as a bat.
[02:09] Zeiss Manifold: It's a biographical comic. It is to biography what Anal Fantasy is to porn.
[02:10] InkWeaver: Wait. What?
[02:10] InkWeaver: I don't quite get it.
[02:10] Zeiss Manifold: Also, take a minute to ponder that SMeyer is being marketed as a role model for young women.
[02:10] Zeiss Manifold: In time, dear Inky, in time.
[02:10] InkWeaver: I was going to get to that once I confirmed that that was, in fact, what this was about.
[02:12] Zeiss Manifold: Also using modern vampire technology, we can predict what Wilford Brimley would look like as a pineapple.
[02:12] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:13] Zeiss Manifold: This is our narrator. I call him Smacula, because he's obsessed with SMeyer and he looks like he's on the stuff.
[02:14] InkWeaver: His teeth are so huge, my mind read that with him having a lisp.
[02:14] Zeiss Manifold: I mean his nose is like seven times as wide as his eye, what is that
[02:15] InkWeaver: "Well. Sthall we begin?"
[02:15] Zeiss Manifold: I like the drawing in his book. It's a Kate Beaton of Kate Bush!
[02:16] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:16] InkWeaver: Okay, I could've gone my entire life without looking at that page. Anyway.
[02:17] Zeiss Manifold: Because vampires really like...leaves, I guess.
[02:18] InkWeaver: and human women. BLEAAAAUGH BLEEEEAAAAAUGH
[02:18] InkWeaver: that was my impression of Dracula.
[02:18] Zeiss Manifold: That was wonderful.
[02:18] Zeiss Manifold: It has just occured to me that Twilight would be a much better series if all the characters were koalas. MOVING ON-
[02:18] Zeiss Manifold: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] Page 7
[02:20] Zeiss Manifold: "Her time in Connecticut was short-lived, due to the unstable fault line on the Arizonan border."
[02:20] InkWeaver: Whoa, the bold makes this sound dramatic.
[02:21] InkWeaver: "The curious spelling of her NAME is because of SOME MORMON TRADITION, I don't really remember why, HEY, when am I getting PAID for this?"
[02:23] Zeiss Manifold: "Also, Meyer failed to obtain the powers of the Four Giants in time and the moon crashed into the Earth. MOVING ON-"
[02:23] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:23] Zeiss Manifold: Longcar is loooooooooooooong
[02:25] Zeiss Manifold: "Stephenie was designated unfit for the Arizona educational system and had to attend Cabbage Patch School."
[02:26] InkWeaver: I mean, I know how much I love then nosejob I get every week 'cause I show it off all the time.
[02:27] Zeiss Manifold: Boy, I'd fit right in with the Arizona crowd - I never head off to class without my asymmetric tissue box and my see-through pencil tub.
[02:28] InkWeaver: What about your globe and your strange, tiny cylinder that you rest on the table in the back?
[02:30] Zeiss Manifold: Hmm, you're right - I wonder exactly what that's for. Maybe it's to distract from the fact that there's a guy growing out of the fridge.
[02:31] Zeiss Manifold: Or maybe it's a nice bottle of malt liquor?
[02:31] InkWeaver: We can only hope.
[02:32] Zeiss Manifold: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
[02:32] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:32] InkWeaver: LOLZ
[02:33] Zeiss Manifold: (*glug glug glug*)
[02:34] Zeiss Manifold: "It seemed as though every other girl was...not Jocelyn Wildenstein."
[02:35] InkWeaver: "It seemed that every other girl was a slut by silly Mormon standards, as you can see by their tight shirts and nice tits."
[02:35] InkWeaver: I think I've got the hang of this bolding thing now!
[02:37] Zeiss Manifold: So many questions. Why is that girls' bag suspended in mid-air? Why are her teachers' cheeks bulging like that? Why does that one girl have the Crest of Courage on her shirt, and why is she made out of wood?
[02:39] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:39] Zeiss Manifold: If only Del was here, she could tell us exactly which Junji Ito manga this is ripped off from.
[02:44] Zeiss Manifold: Unfortunately, Del is not here, and as such I have no damn clue what's going on in this page.
[02:44] InkWeaver: I mean, does Delcat read palm lines?
[02:45] InkWeaver: I see you have an irregular pentagon on your palm, missy! This means you'll write four bestselling books and ruin the mindsets of many up and coming young girls, while all you were trying to do was escape from your unfulfilling Mormon life!
[02:46] Zeiss Manifold: A pentagon, and vampires laughing. You figure it out.
[02:46] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:47] Zeiss Manifold: ...But did she actually see her fingers fing?
[02:48] InkWeaver: With an emphasis on ...
[02:48] InkWeaver: COOKING
[02:48] InkWeaver: CLEANING
[02:48] InkWeaver: AND DREAMING ABOUT SPARKLY GUY THINGS
[02:48] Zeiss Manifold: Oh, we're not quite there yet, but it's worth the wait.
[02:49] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:50] Zeiss Manifold: And here's Smacula with the weather. Smacula?
[02:50] InkWeaver: "SHE BE WRITIN AND JUNK"
[02:51] Zeiss Manifold: We pause to bring you a vintage interview with SMeyer from her college years!
[02:51] Zeiss Manifold: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
[02:51] Zeiss Manifold: THIS HAS BEEN A SPECIAL PRESENTATION
[02:52] Zeiss Manifold: OF THE NATIONAL SAMMICH LEAGUE
[02:52] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:52] Zeiss Manifold: Smacula: ayyyyyyyyyyyy
[02:53] InkWeaver: Spider: Ftt
[02:53] InkWeaver: Is that actually a noise?
[02:53] InkWeaver: is that the noise spiders make when you look like The Fonze
[02:54] Zeiss Manifold: I think it's actually a floating neon sock puppet gawking at some floating neon telephone wires.
[02:55] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:55] Zeiss Manifold: AURGH AURGH IT'S DARREN SHAN
[02:57] Zeiss Manifold: INKY, RUN
[02:58] InkWeaver: NOO NOT DARREN SHAN
[02:59] InkWeaver: Do spiders really have that gooey green filling, Zeiss?
[03:00] Zeiss Manifold: I used to see ads for those gummi-bug-making sets all the time on Nick when I was a kid. Perhaps Smacula's haunting the grounds of Orlando Studios?
[03:00] InkWeaver: I hope he's not one of those people that dresses up and tries to hug you and take pictures
[03:01] InkWeaver: Last time that happened to me, it was the Cat in the Hat, and he had a camel toe.

MORE TO COME SOON FAITHFUL CITIZENS

You guys should get a medal for doing this.

COMING SOON: THE DRAMATIC ORIGINS OF TWILIGHT as told through ODDLY-SHAPED PEOPLE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER

STAY TUNED

Oh shi-

Where in the seven levels of Hell did you find this thing? I'm honestly curious about that. Who published it? Why? Who would buy this? Don't answer that last question.

Someone paid the person who drew this?

bleachedblackcat wrote:

Someone paid the person who drew this?

Yes.

Dear oh dear. Marvel at the random goblin, um, vampire narrator whose appearance and lifestyle are about a million miles from anything in Twilight! Look at SMeyer standing out among all the faceless everyday mortals in her RED T-SHIRT OF SPESHUL (although ironically, it wouldn't surprise me if everyone at Brigham Young University *did* dress identically like that)!

Are there more of these 'Female Force' comics? I'd love to see one with Sarah Palin. They could even do a crossover where Palin shoots a grizzly bear and then SMeyer drinks its endangered blood!

WHY. JUST WHY.

Keith Fraser wrote:

Are there more of these 'Female Force' comics? I'd love to see one with Sarah Palin. They could even do a crossover where Palin shoots a grizzly bear and then SMeyer drinks its endangered blood!

their home page wrote:

See the collected life stories of Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Michelle Obama, and Caroline Kennedy

Yep. but seeing who else is on the Bluewater roster, I guess it's gonna be a long, long time before we get to it.
Besides, /rs/ is down at the moment.

ETA: what

You know, I can't help but think that they should have gotten Rob Liefeld to draw this. It would have been such an epic confluence of utter suck, and we'd get to laugh at SMeyer drawn with DDDD boobs, a six-inch waist, and tiny, wierd-looking feet.

[18:13] Zeiss Manifold: Alright here we go:
[18:13] Zeiss Manifold:

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[18:14] InkWeaver: Ohhh my god.
[18:14] InkWeaver: She looks like she's undressing him with her eyes.
[18:14] Zeiss Manifold: Nothing in the restaurant is in any relation to anything else. The only way it makes spacial sense is if it was a triptych or something.
[18:15] Zeiss Manifold: Of course, that means she's probably just fantasizing what his undershirt looks like.
[18:15] InkWeaver: I don't get it - I thought her husband was white?
[18:15] Zeiss Manifold: Well, most mannequins that *I've* seen are white.
[18:16] Zeiss Manifold: "Like all Mormons of opposite sexes, Stephenie and Christian remained three feet apart at all times."
[18:16] InkWeaver: And the way "weekly church activities" is bolded is so DRAMATIC.
[18:17] InkWeaver: "Christian had a penchant for exceptionally tight pants, even as a young boy."
[18:17] InkWeaver: Also, last panel, it looks like he's staring at her chest, assuming they are looking at each other.
[18:18] Zeiss Manifold: It looks to me like he's *really* interested as to whether Juicy Juice is 10% real fruit juice.
[18:18] Zeiss Manifold:

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[18:19] Zeiss Manifold: SMeyer: YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT THESE SCARS
[18:20] InkWeaver: "Stephenie was 21 when she married Chirstian [sic]..."
[18:20] InkWeaver: "... and she was 22 when she was arrested for strangling him, disemboweling him, and feasting on his innards."
[18:21] InkWeaver: No seriously, look at her eyes there. She looks disturbing.
[18:21] Zeiss Manifold: Sadly, the Hedgehog Boys were left to fend for themselves.
[18:22] Zeiss Manifold: "Stephenie soon took an interest in Chirstian and his precious bodily fluids."
[18:22] Zeiss Manifold:

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[18:24] Zeiss Manifold: "She has her family - painstakingly assembled out of solidified pancake batter."
[18:26] InkWeaver: Her youngest son looks very much like a grown man's face attached to a baby body.
[18:27] InkWeaver: Boy, I sure do wish I had a Book of Mormon.
[18:27] Zeiss Manifold: One of her kids is grasping a...pickle of some sort, one has a thermos and a garbage bag, and the the baby is riding on a tablecloth-covered trilobite. Are *these* the weekly church activities?
[18:27] InkWeaver: Now that is a Church I would attend.
[18:28] Zeiss Manifold: "SMeyer was well on her way to becoming that one aunt you don't like."
[18:28] InkWeaver: "She had her family. Her pastime. And some really dumb ideas about vampires."
[18:29] InkWeaver: "Smacula! That's now what we're paying you to say!"
[18:29] InkWeaver: "I can't help it, okay? It just slips out sometimes."
[18:29] Zeiss Manifold: They're not "stupid ideas", they're SPARKLEY DREEMZ
[18:29] Zeiss Manifold: AS IS ILLUSTRATED HENCE
[18:29] Zeiss Manifold:

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[18:32] InkWeaver: Edward Cullen, whose face was tragically smashed in with a shovel, found love in Bella Swan, the bad-haircut misfit of Forks, Washington.
[18:33] Zeiss Manifold: So her life was changed by a dream of LoGH's own Admiral Fahrenheit (https://2img.net/r/ihimizer/img707/930/fahrenheit.gif) testing the viscosity of a woman's face. Huh.
[18:35] InkWeaver: I regularly go about and squish the cheeks of others to check density.
[18:35] Zeiss Manifold: Why is she sleeping on a huge pair of boxers?
[18:35] InkWeaver: Silly, that's a package of saltines.
[18:36] Zeiss Manifold: Well, *someone's* clearly wishing she was a tine.
[18:36] Zeiss Manifold:

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[18:37] Zeiss Manifold: Sexual repression, now available in six eye-pleasing pastel colors.
[18:37] InkWeaver: "Solomon Grundy love Bella!"
[18:38] Zeiss Manifold: It doesn't look it, but she's actually walked into a very heated game of "I'm not touching you".
[18:39] InkWeaver: Second panel, his eyebrows have gone rogue and are about to take out his face, plus that innocent woman standing next to him
[18:39] InkWeaver: QUICK, GET THE FLAMETHROWER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! THE ONLY THING THAT CAN STOP IT IS FIRE!
[18:40] Zeiss Manifold: Thanks to this, from now on I'm never going to imagine Edward as anyone but the "Eyebrows" guy from FLCL.
[18:40] InkWeaver: Crap, now I'm thinking of that sketch where the eyebrows flip around in tune to Dueling Banjos.
[18:42] Zeiss Manifold:

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[18:43] InkWeaver: Oh no, that purple triangle is gonna touch that beige on with the smaller triangles, and they're being devoured by a black cloud!
[18:44] Zeiss Manifold: Second panel: Her non-Grundyness had let her down, she should have used Meyerono
[18:44] Zeiss Manifold: and i'm sorry but wtf exactly is going on here
[18:46] InkWeaver: She is looming over them, about to give them the Mormon What For about all that cuddling nonsense.
[18:46] Zeiss Manifold: Maybe. Let's try to parse this whole page...they try to kiss, Grundward smells something skanky, SMeyer gets FIERCE, the moon...happens, and then SMeyer floats away.
[18:47] InkWeaver: She sees him sparkling I think
[18:47] Zeiss Manifold: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
[18:48] Zeiss Manifold: She see them sparkling, she...stiffening
[18:48] InkWeaver: I don't even know. I suggest we move on.
[18:49] Zeiss Manifold: And what are those wavy lines in the last panel? Is *Stephenie* the skanky-smelling object?
[18:49] Zeiss Manifold: All the obvious symbolism here makes my sorry to leave this page, but you're right, we must move on.
[18:49] Zeiss Manifold:

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[18:50] Zeiss Manifold: Third panel: OH GOD SMEYER IS THE CORINTHIAN
[18:50] InkWeaver: HER EYES HAVE MOUTHS
[18:50] InkWeaver: THEY'RE GOING TO EAT ME
[18:50] InkWeaver: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[18:50] InkWeaver: Also, good grief, look at the size of those tear ducts.
[18:51] Zeiss Manifold: Now guys I'm fine with you bringing Darren Shan into this but DON'T YOU *TOUCH* SANDMAN. JUST NO.
[18:51] Zeiss Manifold: God, they look like they're just about ready to pop.
[18:52] InkWeaver: They draw her with a magnificent body throughout this.
[18:52] InkWeaver: I wonder what they make Sarah Palin look like if this is Stephenie Meyer.
[18:52] Zeiss Manifold: I think that the only reason she looks good in this is that everyone else looks like they stepped straight out of a [url= [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] Herbie Hancock[/url] video.
[18:53] Zeiss Manifold: I mean, look at her husband. I know SMeyer compares faces to marble a lot, but this just seems *too* literal.
[18:53] InkWeaver: They look like automatons
[18:56] Zeiss Manifold: Actually, it looks more like a Kraftwerk video the more I look at it.
[18:56] Zeiss Manifold: The Meyyyyyyyyyer machine
[18:56] Zeiss Manifold: Sparkly human beeeeeeing
[18:56] Zeiss Manifold: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PdPXkff0wE)
[18:56] Zeiss Manifold:

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[18:57] Zeiss Manifold: SMeyer had a wonderful, *awful* idea!
[18:58] InkWeaver: She's a mean one, Mrs. Meyer
[18:58] Zeiss Manifold: You've got fangs insiiiiiide your eyes
[19:00] Zeiss Manifold: You're a very moldy Kinderegg with a sparkly surprise, Mrs. MeyER
[19:01] InkWeaver: You're as cuddly as a hack, you're as charming as a dissatisfied housewife who destroys vampire canon, Mrs. meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyER
[19:02] Zeiss Manifold: I wouldn't read you with...all of those other Grundyish guyyyyyyys
[19:03] Zeiss Manifold:

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[19:05] Zeiss Manifold: PARADISE
[19:06] Zeiss Manifold: )
[19:08] Zeiss Manifold: IMAGES USED IN COMIC MAY BE SIMILAR TO THOSE OF BOOKS
[19:10] InkWeaver: Yeah, I regularly mark places on a map with chess pieces. SYMBOLISM ISN'T SUPPOSED TO MAKE NO SENSE.
[19:12] InkWeaver: YAY
[19:14] Zeiss Manifold:

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[19:14] Zeiss Manifold: "Her manuscript was rejected on account of the perspective being all screwed up and stuff."
[19:16] InkWeaver: "The novel was rejected on the basis that it was not about cookware at all, but rather sulky Grundwards."
[19:16] Zeiss Manifold: FORKS sounds more like a rejected Pixar movie than a rejected vampire book.
[19:16] InkWeaver: You're a misleading one, Mrs. Meyer.
[19:17] Zeiss Manifold: Inky I'm all rhymed out
[19:18] InkWeaver: Damn! I didn't think even you could be tapped for rhymes, Zeiss.
[19:19] Zeiss Manifold: It...just feels like my rhymes are being drained out of me by this comic. Much like...a VAMPIRE
[19:19] InkWeaver: And THAT is the secret of this fanfic.
[19:20] Zeiss Manifold: ...Now I am REALLY wishing for like a SciFi original movie about street-smart vampires who take the rhyming skills of rapping virgins.
[19:20] Zeiss Manifold: is she using a backscratcher on those letters what is that
[19:21] InkWeaver: Letters are not itchy, Stephenie!
[19:21] InkWeaver: Silly bean.
[19:21] Zeiss Manifold:

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[19:22] Zeiss Manifold: "...and the Twilight saga was dragged out of the depths, kicking and flailing."
[19:24] InkWeaver: "Her evil plan had finally been enacted. First Twilight, then... the WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHA!"
[19:25] Zeiss Manifold: Gah, she's inhaling aphids!
[19:25] Zeiss Manifold: and where is that table in relation to her head what is happening
[19:25] Zeiss Manifold: inky
[19:25] Zeiss Manifold: inky help
[19:26] InkWeaver: Oh god we need to get her some ladybugs for that one, stat
[19:27] InkWeaver: I think... I think she's actually lying on the table, and the vase is stuck there at a strange, artistic angle by super glue.
[19:27] Zeiss Manifold: Have I already used "non-Euclidean" to describe the art in this one? I can't remember.
[19:28] InkWeaver: I don't think so. By all means!
[19:30] Zeiss Manifold: *a-HEM* - Non-Euclidean? More like none-Euclidean! That's right, it's as non-Euclidean as anything can be! I mean, there are lines and rays and angles and things all over the place, but artist, honey, they have *rules* to them. You can't just have magical floating vases and things growing out of tables.
[19:31] InkWeaver: *golf clap*
[19:31] Zeiss Manifold:

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[19:32] Zeiss Manifold: First panel: THIS IS HOW INTERNET FANDOM WORKS
[19:33] InkWeaver: Oh, Zeiss, that's Scribblese. You're just not versed in it.
[19:34] Zeiss Manifold: Even Rule 63 Toki Wartooth is addicted to Twilight!
[19:35] Zeiss Manifold: And I think that's Rule 63 Swisgaar next to him. I hate to repeat myself, but what the hell is going on.
[19:35] InkWeaver: I DON'T KNOOOOOW
[19:35] InkWeaver: Where's Nathan Explosion in all this? In the line in the second panel of course!
[19:36] Zeiss Manifold: ...All those people have the same clothes and haircuts. It's a cult, I tells ya!
[19:37] Zeiss Manifold: They look like the Children of the Corn.
[19:37] InkWeaver: No no, see him? He's second to last in the line.
[19:37] Zeiss Manifold: Well, fuck.
[19:38] Zeiss Manifold: Last panel: Twilight tickets were launched into space aboard the Voyager probes
[19:39] Zeiss Manifold: ...probably because Carl Sagan owed a NASA technician ten bucks and he did it out of spite.
[19:42] Zeiss Manifold:

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[19:44] Zeiss Manifold: And the fanbase quickly expanded to include giantesses, apathetic old women, the Shaggs, and...Batman? What the hell?
[19:45] InkWeaver: I wish I could "batman" something. Is that a verb now?
[19:46] Zeiss Manifold: That reminds me, this comic would be so much better in Dinosaur Comics format.
[19:46] InkWeaver: It reminds me of Marklar from South Park. Allow me to explain.
[19:46] Zeiss Manifold: I shall.
[19:47] InkWeaver: Okay, so this Marklar named Marklar comes along, and marklar's of the religion Marklar, and so marklar writes this Marklar called Marklar, and Marklar totally loved the Marklar, so Marklars got together and made a Marklar out of it, and Marklar went and saw it, and it made millions of Marklars.
[19:48] Zeiss Manifold: And Marklar=Meyer?
[19:48] InkWeaver: Marklar is used in replacement for any nouns.
[19:48] InkWeaver: By people of the Marklar planet.
[19:48] Zeiss Manifold: So it's a Marklar thing.
[19:49] InkWeaver: No, a Marklar Marklar.
[19:50] Zeiss Manifold: Last panel: Meyer's popularity encouraged many young girls to experiment with vampirism, with tragic results.
[19:50] Zeiss Manifold: ...
[19:50] Zeiss Manifold: ...I think I just wrote a Chick tract.
[19:52] InkWeaver: "And so the Holy Bible demands that we take up arms against this leader of the Vampire Movement."
[19:52] Zeiss Manifold: I would kill to see such a tract, though.
[19:55] Zeiss Manifold:

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[19:55] Zeiss Manifold: Great, now it's a vore fetish book.
[19:56] InkWeaver: Oh my god, it IS about how she took over the world!
[19:57] Zeiss Manifold: And Joker grins.
[19:58] Zeiss Manifold: The rightmost girls' grin isn't even on the same plane as her head.
[19:58] InkWeaver: MY SLIME IS PASTEDE ON YEY
[19:59] Zeiss Manifold: I can't tell whether that was a Freudian slip or not.
[20:10] Zeiss Manifold: alright then
[20:10] Zeiss Manifold:

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[20:10] Zeiss Manifold: Okay, now they're just making stuff up.
[20:11] InkWeaver: I have said this before and I will say this again. Twilight needs to back the fuck up off of Shakespeare and Jane Austen.
[20:13] Zeiss Manifold: This page
[20:13] Zeiss Manifold: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
[20:13] InkWeaver: There sure are lots of shocked screenshots in Legend of the Galactic Heroes.
[20:14] Zeiss Manifold: They have much to be shocked about.
[20:14] Zeiss Manifold: Uh, Smacula? Your book is backwards.
[20:15] InkWeaver: It's okay, Smacula's still taking Hooked on Phonix.
[20:15] Zeiss Manifold: His portraits are totally baked, though.
[20:15] Zeiss Manifold: Vlad the Impaler? More like Vlad the Inhaler,
[20:17] InkWeaver: Is that Nosferatu looking like the Creature from the Deep?
[20:18] Zeiss Manifold: He doesn't look like he wants anything to do with this, that's for sure.
[20:18] Zeiss Manifold:

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[20:18] Zeiss Manifold: Suddenly, Orcs.
[20:20] Zeiss Manifold: "WHERE THERE'S A SMEYER *ker-rack* THERE'S A WAY*
[20:22] InkWeaver: I predicted the end of this comic. I'm... not that awesome, really.
[20:23] Zeiss Manifold: I don't care if the twist is that SMeyer is really acting as a front for the old-school vampires, I still don't like it. No sir.
[20:24] Zeiss Manifold: And "YYIRP's" abs look like a ballsack.
[20:25] InkWeaver: Little do they know, the Blue Man Group are secretly bloodsucking FIENDS
[20:28] Zeiss Manifold: This is pretty much the end of the snarkable portions. After this, there's a 15-or-so-page infodump on the history of Forks that mainly exists as proof that, yes, the writers were completely serious. The only thing left now is the back cover, and now that we've read the thing, should we judge how accurate the blurb is?
[20:30] InkWeaver: The blurb/
[20:30] InkWeaver: ?*
[20:30] Zeiss Manifold: By which I mean THIS:
[20:30] Zeiss Manifold:

Quote :

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] Back cover

[20:32] Zeiss Manifold: Let's sum up the reviews, in order: Making shit up, making shit up, blatantly spoiling it, making shit up, doesn't want anything to do with it.
[20:33] InkWeaver: LA Times is like, "Hmmm... fuck it."
[20:33] InkWeaver: "Okay, Stan, we need you to review this comic."
[20:33] InkWeaver: "But... there's a guy growing out of a fridge in this panel."
[20:33] InkWeaver: "REVIEW IT, STAN. WE ARE PAYING YOU FOR THIS."
[20:33] Zeiss Manifold: You can just tell that Stan reeeeally wanted to leave.
[20:33] Zeiss Manifold: SO
[20:33] Zeiss Manifold: THAT WAS THE STORY OF STEPHENIE MEYER
[20:33] Zeiss Manifold: AND WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
[20:33] Zeiss Manifold: Inky?
[20:34] InkWeaver: There can be frige symbiotes!
[20:34] InkWeaver: The Blue Man Group is composed of vampires!
[20:35] InkWeaver: Edward was supposed to look like Solomon Grundy!
[20:35] Zeiss Manifold: Haven't we all, Inky, haven't we all.

This concludes the Zeiss and Inky rippage of FEMALE FORCE: Stephenie Meyer edition!

Let us know what you think. =)

I want to know what other FEMALE FORCE comics exist.


Also: awesome funny shit guiz.

Bravo! Author! (no, wait, fuck the author). Snarkers! Snarkers!

Sweet Jesus in a Cheerio Box, Zeiss, where the hell did you find this abomination. Delly's going to be sooo pissed you didn't show it to her first.

Also, I believe her husband, Christian, is part Hispanic. Did you know that up till the Supreme Court threatened to interfere, Mormon's wouldn't allow non-whites into the church? Because supposedly, at some point in the Book of Morons, they sinned against God or something and he turned them non-white. Then they decided to allow non-whites into the church, but they can't hold important positions, like being a Bishop or Deacon. It's okay, though, cause once they get to Heaven, they get turned white again and it'll all be okay.

And no, I'm not making this up. I read the Book of Mormon one summer when I was 17, because I was suffering from terminal boredom. And a bigger load of claptrap I have never stumbled across in my life, I might add.

I haven't read all of part 2 of the snark, mostly because my brain can't handle it. But I did notice something, why didn't Stephenie ever have on a skirt? It's a really big thing for the Mormons over here, the more strong in your faith the more likely to have on a skirt.

I could see Palin having a Female Force comic made after her. But really, what has Meyer done that's helped/hindered the politics of the world?

bleachedblackcat wrote:

I haven't read all of part 2 of the snark, mostly because my brain can't handle it. But I did notice something, why didn't Stephenie ever have on a skirt? It's a really big thing for the Mormons over here, the more strong in your faith the more likely to have on a skirt.

I could see Palin having a Female Force comic made after her. But really, what has Meyer done that's helped/hindered the politics of the world?

Well, she's done a big job at pushing chastity till marriage (and actually, chastity after marriage, since I think the few times Bella and Edward have sex after they marry she's out cold). And she's taught girls that if you get pregnant by a vampire, you're going to give birth to a half-human shapeshifter who'll ripe her way out of your womb by brute force, and then the man you love will HAVE to make you a vampire so you won't die...

Oh, I'm sorry-I thought you were asking what harm she'd done. As far as helping/hindering world politics, nothing. And she's set feminism back a good 15 years as well, by convincing thousands of teenage girls that guys who sparkle in the sun aren't abominations of nature who should be summarily staked through the heart.

And for that matter, what has Palin really done to help/hinder world politics? And no, acted like a spoiled teenage brat instead of a responsible adult with five children is not a valid answer.

Dear God, you guys, just...dear God.

InkWeaver wrote:

[02:39] Zeiss Manifold:

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[02:39] Zeiss Manifold: If only Del was here, she could tell us exactly which Junji Ito manga this is ripped off from.

Oh, Lord, I actually can. The features of something appearing on the skin? Tomie. Definitely Tomie. It's about a girl who gets chopped into a zillion pieces and those pieces regrow and the pieces chopped off of those pieces regrow and get into people and things and grow on THEM and...well, it's just a bad scene, like. The first sign that she's "infected" something or someone is generally a face on the skin, so the page reminded me of it straight off. More recently, there's this issue of FrankenFran, involving a girl's best friend regrowing in her body, probably influenced by Tomie.

Of course, it being ripped off from either of these would assume that this guy could read.

And by the way ilu2somuch<3<3<3

Rabid Badger wrote:

bleachedblackcat wrote:

And for that matter, what has Palin really done to help/hinder world politics? And no, acted like a spoiled teenage brat instead of a responsible adult with five children is not a valid answer.

She's acted like she's intrested in politics? My parents love her to death so I'd assume that comic would be for people like them.

We need comics Eleanor Roosevelt.

bleachedblackcat wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

bleachedblackcat wrote:

And for that matter, what has Palin really done to help/hinder world politics? And no, acted like a spoiled teenage brat instead of a responsible adult with five children is not a valid answer.

She's acted like she's intrested in politics? My parents love her to death so I'd assume that comic would be for people like them.

We need comics Eleanor Roosevelt.

True

In Palin's case, though, they'd have to leave out the part where she all of a sudden decides she doesn't want to be Governor of Alaska anymore (which had NOTHING to do with the lawsuit she and her husband were facing about abusing State money, goodness, gracious no!), and instead tried to become a feature on the lecture circuit, which didn't go too well either, mostly because people who'd already paid a lot of money to listen to her talk got upset when they had to pay even more money to get her to autograph their copies of her (ghost-written) autobiography. I bet Mark Twain didn't make people pay to sign copies of his books.

So yeah, let's do comics about Eleanor Roosevelt and Sojourner Truth. Women who actually did important things that affected the world, and the lives of women. There are thousands of women who fought for women's right to vote, for their freedom to be considered their own person (instead of the property of their husband), for their freedom to chose when (and if) they had children. Hell, we've got a virtually inexhaustable supply of kick-ass women who made a difference.

All Stephanie Meyer did was write down her wet dream and set feminism back God knows how many years by convincing impressionable teenage girls that unless you completely sublimate your own life to some guy, get married, and have babies, you don't amount to anything.

Oh, and when you have sex, just lie there and think of Joseph Smith. Or Edward. I'm beginning to think the two are interchangable.

Thank you for the wonderful snark. That comic is nightmare-inducing, what with the melty faces and all. It's amusing that virtually the only blurb that isn't of the "faint praise" variety is from Ain't it Cool News.

The part. With the chess piece. And the map of Washington. I smolder with generic rage.

Penguin wrote:

The part. With the chess piece. And the map of Washington. I smolder with generic rage.

...Is there a story you'd like to share with the board?

Imagine leaving home for almost a year, returning for one week-long visit only to see Twilight shit plastered all over everything. Going to Poulsbo and seeing that that old familiar town you know and love has WE HAVE THE TWILIGHT NECKLACE banners over every jewelry store. Every theater with Twilight posters all over it. Every bookstore carrying hardly anything else. Every other business having some sort of hokey tie-in to Twilight advertised out front.

And this is just being on the same damn peninsula as Forks. On the opposite side. It only gets worse as you head west.

Penguin wrote:

Imagine leaving home for almost a year, returning for one week-long visit only to see Twilight shit plastered all over everything. Going to Poulsbo and seeing that that old familiar town you know and love has WE HAVE THE TWILIGHT NECKLACE banners over every jewelry store. Every theater with Twilight posters all over it. Every bookstore carrying hardly anything else. Every other business having some sort of hokey tie-in to Twilight advertised out front.

And this is just being on the same damn peninsula as Forks. On the opposite side. It only gets worse as you head west.

I hear ya, man. You want some eggnog? I just bought some eggnog.

That'd be awesome.