Things You've Learned from Badfic

Mythandariel wrote:

And if by some strange chance that no one understands what the hell your story is about, they should all be able to read your mind and pluck its meaning from your brain.

It means you're not smart enough, sophisticated enough, or cool enough to understand their greatness. Note: this also applies to for trendy poetry, modern art, and the horrible things Thelonious Monk did to jazz.

Quote :

The Thesaurus is one of those hybrid creatures from Napoleon Dynamite.

It looks like this:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Description (from my blog):

The thesaurus is a strange beast. It has both horns and antlers (one on each side). It has fur, hair, scales (several types), hide, scutes, feathers, and skin. It has spikes, spines, and plates. It has paws on its front legs and hooves on its back legs. It a rhinoceros’s horn on its nose and a lion’s tufted tail tip on its thagomizer. It has, in other words, almost all the options available to a quadruped. Its movement has to be seen to be believed. Not only are the hind legs longer than the front, giving it a rabbit-like gait at best, but it crawls, walks, runs, trots, canters, gallops, paces, hops, leaps, scampers, skitters, bounds, staggers, jumps, ambles, shuffles, scurries, and even does its damnedest to slither — sometimes all at once.

In the fanbrat's mind, every word in a given thesaurus entry means exactly the same as every other word in that entry. So existence, ubiquity, and truth are all just alternatives for reality.

Sheba wrote:

((A thought: Screw needles; can HIV/HEP-any be trasmitted by sharing razors for cutting? Plotbunnies breeding...

They sure can! All it takes is tainted blood to come into contact with someone else's blood.

Anyway, back on topic:

-Your preferred sexual position determines your personality. Big tough guys NEVER like to be on the bottom, and skinny sensitive guys never like to be on top.

Grown men and women, professional colleagues in a workplace setting, regularly play "truth or dare".

All women love to be called names like "my fuck-slut" during sex.

kleine_kat wrote:

Virgins always bleed on their first time.

And suffer agonizing pain simultaneous with an earth-shattering orgasm. Even if the other party is also a completely inexperienced virgin.

Miss Misery wrote:

Nobody will ever walk in on you while you're having sex in your office, even if you didn't bother to lock the door or close the blinds.

And if perchance you happen to walk in on a couple having sex, don't worry -- they will invite you to join in.

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:

Regarding bullet wounds:

* Shooting somebody in the kneecap is very painful and will render them incapable of walking.

- In fact, shooting somebody in the kneecap risks crippling them for life.

* The shoulder IS a safe place to shoot somebody.

- There is NO 'safe' place to be shot. And there's a lot of delicate bones, joints and stuff in the shoulder. It's like shooting somebody in the knee, but with the arm instead of the leg.

Also the brachial artery. If you're shot in the shoulder, basically you have three options: the bullet can take out the nerve plexus (leaving you with a useless and limp arm), shatter the shoulder joint (leaving you with a useless arm and in chronic pain for the rest of your life), or go through the brachial artery (ending the fic, or at least your participation in it, right there).

Most sues can duel wield shotguns with little, to no problem. Despite the fact that said act is highly difficult to impossible, and firing it would more then likely break your wrists.

Actually it's pretty hard to break one's wrist with the recoil of most commonly-available firearms on the market. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Everyone wants kids as soon as they hook up with their OTP. Kids are obligatory. Even if the characters don't have the means to support a kid, are too busy working to want one, or canonically hate children.

Penguin wrote:

Actually it's pretty hard to break one's wrist with the recoil of most commonly-available firearms on the market. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

A Desert Eagle can break ones wrist if they are not careful in how the fire it.

Kevin M wrote:

Penguin wrote:

Actually it's pretty hard to break one's wrist with the recoil of most commonly-available firearms on the market. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

A Desert Eagle can break ones wrist if they are not careful in how the fire it.

Done it, one-handed, rapid fire. No, it can't, unless you're suffering from a health problem that that puts you at risk for that sort of thing. Fired a shotgun one-handed, too.

You see, for the most part, "that thing will break your wrist" is an exaggeration, most likely originating from someone feeling a bit of pain in their wrist after firing a hard-recoiling handgun. You CAN injure your wrist, but it takes a lot more than recoil to break it, usually.

Penguin wrote:

Kevin M wrote:

Penguin wrote:

Actually it's pretty hard to break one's wrist with the recoil of most commonly-available firearms on the market. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

A Desert Eagle can break ones wrist if they are not careful in how the fire it.

Done it, one-handed, rapid fire. No, it can't, unless you're suffering from a health problem that that puts you at risk for that sort of thing. Fired a shotgun one-handed, too.

You see, for the most part, "that thing will break your wrist" is an exaggeration, most likely originating from someone feeling a bit of pain in their wrist after firing a hard-recoiling handgun. You CAN injure your wrist, but it takes a lot more than recoil to break it, usually.

I stand corrected.

On the topics of firearms.


A sue with no previous training, or instruction can out shoot a heavily trained military sniper.

/me glances at own avatar, tugs collar, exits stage right

Penguin wrote:

/me glances at own avatar, tugs collar, exits stage right

Who is on your avatar?

Seras Victoria from Hellsing. Following her untimely demise and vampirization, she finds that she can use her abilities to hit a target moving with superhuman speed at 600 meters.

And that's just the beginning.

Penguin wrote:

Seras Victoria from Hellsing. Following her untimely demise and vampirization, she finds that she can use her abilities to hit a target moving with superhuman speed at 600 meters.

And that's just the beginning.

Yeah, but it was shown she has had some type of military training using guns. Her vampire powers just really boosted them up to superhuman abilities. I was talking more about stories that have sues picking up sniper rifles for the first time, and start pegging targets without any problems.

Time Travelers!

-There's never an issue with manner of dress. Time travelers fit in perfectly in their modern-day attire no matter what era they end up in.

-The people of the past will sympathies with modern social mores, at least if they're the Good Guys. Anyone who holds common-for-their-era ideas about marriage, gender roles, sexual mores, or what have you are evil and wrong.

-Languages don't evolve. English in 1312 is more or less the same as English in 2005.

-Major historical events happen exactly as depicted in stuffy PBS dramatizations--or in a ridiculously oversimplified version that would make the producers of Rocky and Bullwinkle scoff.

szaleniec wrote:

Everyone wants kids as soon as they hook up with their OTP. Kids are obligatory. Even if the characters don't have the means to support a kid, are too busy working to want one, or canonically hate children.

Furthermore, the subject will never even be discussed. Neither will birth control. Characters will never talk about birth control, except to announce that they don't use it or (if it's a woman), that they forgot to take their pill. This will, of course, lead to immediate pregnancy.

Also, nobody ever has a problem with their pregnancy UNLESS it's required for angst purposes. Fifteen-year-old girls can give birth unassisted to two month early quadruplets, and all of the children will be perfectly fine. No one ever has a child with ongoing physical problems from being born too soon, or one that suffers hypoxia and ends up mentally handicapped. Nobody ever miscarries, or has a baby that dies soon after birth (again, unless its for angst purposes).

And no one EVER has an abortion or chooses to give the baby up for adoption. Especially not rape victims.

Rabid Badger wrote:

szaleniec wrote:

Everyone wants kids as soon as they hook up with their OTP. Kids are obligatory. Even if the characters don't have the means to support a kid, are too busy working to want one, or canonically hate children.

Furthermore, the subject will never even be discussed. Neither will birth control. Characters will never talk about birth control, except to announce that they don't use it or (if it's a woman), that they forgot to take their pill. This will, of course, lead to immediate pregnancy.

Also, nobody ever has a problem with their pregnancy UNLESS it's required for angst purposes. Fifteen-year-old girls can give birth unassisted to two month early quadruplets, and all of the children will be perfectly fine. No one ever has a child with ongoing physical problems from being born too soon, or one that suffers hypoxia and ends up mentally handicapped. Nobody ever miscarries, or has a baby that dies soon after birth (again, unless its for angst purposes).

And no one EVER has an abortion or chooses to give the baby up for adoption. Especially not rape victims.

This. One of my fics has a teenage OC who is pregnant and considering abortion. The amount of hate mail I received over that was unbelievable. And the character hasn't even made a decision! (She's also considering adoption, keeping the baby, and giving sole custody to the father. Basically, she is one mixed-up kid who doesn't know what she wants.)

According to the average fanbrat, having litters is romantic and a sign of twu wuv. And, of course, the babies are always cute and healthy and there are never any problems, despite the fact that humans are really not built for litters (one is usual for us, two occasional and usually manageable, three often present difficulties but can have a good outcome even without extensive medical intervention--but the more you have, the iffier it gets.) Fanbrats have their characters pop out quadruplets, quintuplets, sextuplets, etc. with no difficulty, despite the fact that 1) births of more than three babies at a time are very rare in nature for humans--most are caused by fertility treatments, 2) the more babies born at a time, the lower the birth weight is likely to be for each, because they don't get as much nourishment as a single baby or twins, and 3) the more babies, the shorter the gestional period is likely to be because it's hard on the mother to carry so many at once, meaning problems with prematurity. Also, because litters are a sign of twu wuv, it never causes stress and marital difficulties to care for so many babies (often sickly babies) at once. In the fanbrats' world, the babies never die or develop handicaps from all the complications common to multiple births, either, and the children are never abused or neglected because the parents can't handle so many at once.

More about babies:

No matter how insane, bad-ass or violent the father--be he a vampire, FBI agent, Samurai, half-demon or plain simple dude--the daddies all love changing and feeding their offspring, or at least do it when mommy-dearest commands them to, even if they are 'hilariously' bad at it.

/:redangry: brought on by Alucard changing his baby's diaper because his wife was busy--and she isn't supposed to do it either, 'cause they have a NANNY!!!

Also, the woobification caused by fathering a child extends to all other areas of the father's life. Even if he's a serial killer, he will become saintly (not to mention a perfect, loving, caring mate) because he spawned.

But parenting makes you a better person! Just look what it did for Casey Anthony! And József Barsi! And Susan Smith!

PSA: Having kids fixes marriages. Every time.

Penguin wrote:

PSA: Having kids fixes marriages. Every time.

It absolutely never makes them worse, what with having less money, lack of sleep and privacy and all, let alone stress owing to any physical or mental disability the child may have.

Wait, what am I saying? All babies are born sound and healthy. They only get bipolar/depressed later in life because it's so totally cool and yooneek!

Penguin wrote:

PSA: Having kids fixes marriages. Every time.

Of course it does, it's the only symbol of love.

And it's absolutely essential to have babies, WHATEVER the cost. Risk your health, risk your life. Babies are the most important thing. If Harry has to transform permanently into "Harriet Potter-Malfoy" to squirt out Draco's pweshus cuntnuggets, then by God that's what he'll do -- and it's so taken for granted that it won't even be a plot element. It will have already happened when the story opens, and will only be brought up in a parenthetical author's-note at the beginning.

Quote :

cuntnuggets

I'm gonna remember that one. It's the best name for babies in bad having-a-baby fics ever.