If there's one thing I've learned from fanfics since WotLK came out, it's that the Lich King could never withstand the charm of any female blood knight that comes strutting up to his citadel meaning to take him out once and for all. There's an amazing amount of fics with that theme, but this one stands out for its sheer mind numbing silliness.
A Knights Tale (sic)
There are so many odd typos here that it’s quite possible that the author is dyslexic. On the other hand, all dyslexics I know are well aware of their handicap and counter it by making sure that any writing they show somebody else is well polished. But, alright, I’m not going to be that harsh on her spelling.
I must warn you, this one gets so stupid that I have to cut off suddenly to save my own sanity. But we’ll get there.
Okay, deep breath, brain on emergency automatic shutdown mode… go.
- Quote :
- In a land known as Arezoth there lived two opposite factions only known as the Alliance and the Horde. They each had five different races such as the Horde has the Orcs, Trolls, Taurens, Undead, and the Blood Elves. While the Alliance consist of the Humans, Dwarfs, Gnomes, Night Elves and the Dreani.
Fascinating, teach. Do keep informing us about this, as of course nobody who reads Warcraft fanfiction would ever have heard about these mysterious things.
And then again, this is taking place on “Arezoth” and not Azeroth, so maybe it’s just as well that she tells us.
- Quote :
- For years they have fought each other but that was before the outbreak of the Scourge and they got a common enemy.
There’s a guy here named Kil’jaeden who wants to have a word with you about the existence of him and his drinking buddies. Also I’d like to add that PvP is still going pretty strong and there was that little Broken Front incident…
- Quote :
- Cris Remar rode down the long gold road in the Barrens toward The Crossroads. She was on her way to meet up with her guild, Order of the Ebon Wolf.
Author’s name is the same as the heroes’ guild in the fic. Wow.
I have a bad feeling about this :D
- Quote :
- On her way she poundered the intellage of there plan.
I…
… it’s too easy.
Their plan is to, and I quote, “storm the Icecrown Citedal along with ten different guilds.” Sorry girl, but you’re using enough game logic already to automatically disqualify this plan. Not even AQ40 would let that many people in.
- Quote :
- for gods sakes she was a Paladin not much could take her on a survive.
As somebody mainly playing a resto shaman, I beg to differ on that point. Paladins might be the easiest to keep up but they too go down like bitches if I happen to look at something else than the health bars for two seconds too long.
So she meets up with her Guild Master (yes, that’s what she calls him), Strinnity.
- Quote :
- “How u doing today my dear” He asked
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ... anyway, our heroine randomly asks ‘Strin’ (race, class and description pending) whether he thinks they can actually beat the Lich
King.
- Quote :
- “To be honest Cris I don’t think we can win. We would need to team up with the filth of the Alliance and that would never
happen.”
Our fearless leader, ladies and gentlemen!
A couple of DKs in the guild ride up, and one is even mentioned to be a troll. That’s the only one so far who’s had his species actually mentioned. We know that the main character is a belf only because the summary says so and it’s said that she’s a paladin in the narrative.
We eventually learn that Strin is a belf warlock, but it takes a while.
Anyway, scene shift!
- Quote :
- The Lich King sat on his throne in Icecrown Citedal and watched throught his eye at what was happening around Arezoth.
It was a neat trick he’d learned from his penpal Sauron.
- Quote :
- His emotionless glowing blue eyes landed on the blood elf Paladin on her steed inbetween his two favorite Death Knights.
I cannot believe this preposterous claim that these two DKs, named Tryce and Jubba, by the way, are his favorite ones. One of them is a troll, so this can’t be true. We all know he only cares about belves. /sarcasm
- Quote :
- [Lichy watched as] The Warlock led the army out of Warsong Hold and started north toward his citedal.
Nothing to worry about then, they’ll all march straight into Sholazar and then start arguing about how to scale the cliffs.
- Quote :
- As they neared Icecrown Citedal, Cris saw her first sight of the Lich Kings grand castle. Her mouth dropped. Never in her whole life had she seen something so grand yet so dark and evil. As they approached the scourge was awaiting them and they could see the Lich king on a balcony over looking the battle field.
I’ve seen Icecrown Citadel, kid, and from the ground, with your naked eye, you will not be able to see anything standing on a balcony up there.
Come to think of it, I don’t remember any real balconies in the citadel, all of them lead somewhere useful. If Lichy has magical sight that can see everything (which would explain a lot, actually), why would he even need balconies to stand on and look at things? Well, I suppose otherwise he couldn’t show his captive random belf girls the great view, or stand around looking dramatic above a battlefield.
Tryce yells out a challenge and…
- Quote :
- “My Death Knight” He replaid “ Im no longer a man and I am you’re King you should be bowing before me did you forget I gave you back your life”
I can only assume that he talks this disjointedly because Ner’zhul and Arthas are fighting for control of who gets to kill all these morons.
And then there’s a fight and… for all the “ten guilds participating” brouhaha, there seems to be a curious lack of fighters. Only Cris, Jubba and Tryce are said to do anything at all, so one has to wonder what Strin is up to, as well as all the others that supposedly came with our intrepid heroes.
The battle is, well…
- Quote :
- Crsi looked over toward Tryce and saw his eyes widen and she looked up as a giant Dragon Skeloton flew down and showered them with fire. Tryce grabbed her and pulled her under himself and took the main part of the flame . Cris from under Tryce pryed free asfter the fire died down and she heard the haunting laughter of the Lich King fill her ears. Tryce lay unmoving so did Jubba. She stood up and smiled at the King.
And then she uses exorcism to insta-kill the dragon, followed by raising the DKs back to life while Lichy just stands around glaring at her. Because that’s what you do when you’re the Lich King.
- Quote :
- Arthas couldn’t believe what he just saw. One Paladin took down one of his dragons in one hit. That’s impossible.
Hear, hear, Arthas! Unfortunately, this brief moment of sanity ends when Arthas decides that Cris will make a fine DK… which, admittedly, if she can oneshot a friggin’ dragon, isn’t that much of a stretch.
- Quote :
- He’d have to figure out a way to separate her from the two men. Then it hit him and he reached out his hand toward the Paladin.
No, he doesn’t just use the brilliant trick of simply grabbing her. He uses Death Grip to snag her over to him.
And he still had to think about that for a moment.
- Quote :
- “What was that”Tryce yelled
Says the DK, at seeing this amazingly complicated tactic used to bimbonap his friend. Truly, she has nothing to fear with such brilliant friends on her side!
- Quote :
- Blackness started engulfing Cris and she could no longer see clear. She gasped to try and get air into her lungs. The last thing she saw before giving into the darkness was the cold, emotionless eyes of the Lich King.
Oh gnoes! What will happen to our intrepid heroine now?
This “chapter one” according to ff.net’s chaptering system is actually several chapters smushed into one. So, here we go, chapter two, in chapter one!
- Quote :
- “The monster has Cris” Strin yelled when they arrived back at Silvermoon.
He must have the patience of an angel since he waited for the weeks it would take to get back to Silvermoon before he shouted that. The rest of the guild are depressed, but the only people actually said to do and say anything are the three guys we’ve already been presented to. For all we know, they are the entire guild.
They conclude that after seeing Cris’ amazing dragon killing skillz, Lichy must have kidnapped her to corrupt her and get her power under his command.
- Quote :
- Cris opened her eyes and looked around the room she was in. Its was dark and cold with no warmth to be seen.
All new belf Sue with heat seeking vision!
- Quote :
- She sighed and opened the door and ran face to face with one of the ugliest of the Lich Kings servent, a abomination.
Uhm. I have to give past versions of this scenario some credit. At least they usually make Lichy and crew LOCK THE DOOR.
- Quote :
- From her training she went to hit it with a judgement spell but nothing happened. The creature grabbed her and walked off down the hall.
Well, that was undignified. She’s tossed onto the floor in front of Lichy himself.
- Quote :
- “Why so nerves little Paladin” he asked laughing.
Thank you, author, now I'm imagining Heath Ledger as Arthas.
- Quote :
- He reached up and grabbed his helm pulling it off and throwing it into a corner. Cris’s eyes widened when she looked into his face. He was remarkably handsome with long silver blond hair matched his blue eyes perfect.
From this bit we can conclude that she’s never looked at the box art for the Frozen Throne expansion of WCIII. Or the loading screen in Northrend, for that matter.
He commands her to call him master, but Cris is having none of it. He proceeds to beat the crap out of her.
- Quote :
- He grawled at her and through her across the room causing her to slam into the wall. He walked up and picked her up again.
“What was that” he asked a wicked smirk curling his lips.
“I said you are not my master Arthas” Cris replaid
He growled at her and backhanded her causing her nose and lip to start pouring blood.
Tough love, ain’t it? Because, yes, this is, of course, heading towards some kind of warped idea of fangirl romance. I’d fear for future generations, but then again I’m well aware that grown women also enjoy bodice ripper novels.
Of course she just keeps mouthing back (not very impressively) which makes him beat her up even more. At least he’s for once not taken aback by her courage and shit. But, of course, one has to wonder why he bothers at all when it would be pretty damn easy to just kill her and start the process from there.
There’s more stupidity where Lichy decides her punishment is enough when she passes out, and has her thrown into a plain hole in the ground. He decides to leave her there to starve until she cracks.
- Quote :
- He smirked at that thought. The beautiful paladin being reduced to grovel at his feet and beg him for anything.
I can’t even be arsed to once again question why he resolves to go through with such a long unnecessary process in the first place.
Chapter three starts with Lichy coming to visit after two weeks, askingher if she’s ready to come out and eat. Judging by most crappy role play descriptions I've seen that mentions the weight of these belf ladies, you’d think they’d be masters of anorexia, but oi.
She decides to play along and even calls him master when he demands it again. This is enough for him to let her out. Wohoo!
He… then gives her a room, shows her the bath, and has a dwarf woman (wtf?) bring her food.
And then they talk for a while. He also carries her off and takes her for a ride on his own bone dragon, threatening to drop her from the sky.
I’ll say one thing though. At least he’s not calling her “my dear” all the time.
- Quote :
- “Come eat Paladin before it gets cold”
[…]“Enjoy your meal Paladin”
[…]“Planning something Paladin”
[…]“Do you want to die Paladin” He asked
AAAAARGH!
While threatening to send her plummeting to her squashy death (though without making the obvious threat of using her remains as material for slimes), he demands she swear fealty to him. What will our intrepid heroine do?
- Quote :
- Cris didn’t know what to do if she pledged it her Paladin code wouldn’t let her break it.
Which must really, really suck. Also it’s FUCKING STUPID. Nobody would agree to something like that, because no sane person would think it’s a good idea. People are merely mortal, and they tend to say a lot of stupid things. Especially if they get drunk, which people often do. If some bitter paladin got drunk and vowed to his friends to seek out and murder everyone who had ever wronged him, would he then be forced by them to go through with it when he recovered from his intoxication? Yeah, that sounds very paladinesque, doesn’t it?
But here we are in Asseroth where everyone’s a moron, so let’s just go with it.
This is not the only time this author uses this plot point. In one of her other WoW fic, a belf huntress "accidentally" saves the Lich King's life at the Wrath Gate, and because he was once a paladin he is thus honor bound to not kill her. So he rapes her instead. After which she's merely freaked out until she can walk away, and then she's merely very disgruntled when he sends some undead minion to fetch her back.
Anyway...
- Quote :
- She felt his grip lossen more and right before she fell she screamed.
“I pledge it”
Oh gnoes! Whatever will happen now?
Well, after landing… Arthas decides he wants some belf lovin's.
- Quote :
- “Say ‘Im sorry for trying to escape master and will spend the remainder of my time pleasing you’”
Returning for a moment to that other fic I mentioned above, I believe this is some kind of favorite theme of the author's. Ugh.
And following that he starts making out with her while she stutters pleas for him to let her go and hints at that she’s a virgin. Of course she is. It's not sexy~ and romantic~ otherwise.
Thankfully, the scene breaks off and…
- Quote :
- Tryce walked into Thrall’s chambers in Orgammar and bowed.
No. No, no, no you keep Thrall out of this you hear me!? Don’t you daaaa-
- Quote :
- “My boy being captured by the Lich King is the worst thing because there is no way to rescue them. Arthas’s citedal is beter
guarded then any of our citys and the Allianced combined. There is no way inside. Im truly sorry but your friend is stuck there intill he
desides otherwise.”
*incoherent screaming*
Well, at least he’s telling them just to suck it up.
Oh wait.
- Quote :
- “Yes you’re gonna have to convince King Varenn to have the Alliance led a raid of the citedal alongside us” Thrall replied crossing his arms.
… is “Varian” really that hard to write?
- Quote :
- “That’s impossible war chief the King hates all Horde why would he put hus soldiers on the line tosave one blood elf Paladin”
Thrall looked at him and smiled.
“Simple my boy whe simply remind him that this certain Paladin can destroy the world as we know it if he succededs in turning her into a
Death Knight and remans under his command”
I’d pay to see the look on Varian’s face if some random DK came up, demanded an audience and then told him what Thrall just said.
Following that, there’s a scene where Lichy wakes up next to our heroine, gloating about having gotten a kiss. The author is so painfully obviously too young for this subject.
When she wakes up, he gives her an ultimatum: become a DK or run off to kill her two DK friends. At no point has he actually scourgified her, this is all coming from her panicked pledge to serve him. And of course, she has to chose one of them since she made her holy promise while being dangled over certain splattery death.
Jesus Christ.
And she chooses to become a DK. The next chapter starts with him killing her.
- Quote :
- As he swung Frostmoure over his head Cris closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The last thing she remembered was the feeling of the rune blade as it got buried into her stomach.
Since this is the high point of the story, I say we stop here while it’s good. Before-
- Quote :
- As Tryce and Thrall rode up to the entarance of Stormwind the guards pord out and surrounded them.
… I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
Edit: Pointed out spelling.
Home 
Along with the Norman Bates remark too. 