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 Lich King's Daughters

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TheIan
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PostSubject: Lich King's Daughters   Sun Apr 03, 2011 12:12 pm

My hunger for WoW has grown substantially bad as of late. And the fanfiction hasn't gotten better either. Especially with something like [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]. I can totally see it, though, Arthas, the Lich King, dragged around a mall carrying heaps upon heaps of bags while his daughters go shoe shopping, and an angry mob following close behind Arthas. Thought is entertaining and chilling at the same time.

So equip your Epics, set your Elixir of Bad-Fic Protection to the hotbar, and prepare to hit those cool-downs, I'm gonna aggro and Tank Lich King's Daughters.

Quote :
I never really wanted to be royalty.
Yes you do and you know it, Sue! Admit it!

Quote :
I just wanted a better life. My sister and I had no idea what awaited us. I always called her my sister even though we weren't related, but then I found out she really was my sister.
Wait, if you called her sister even though she wasn't, but then you find out she was? Is Who still on first?

Quote :
That shocked me as much as it shocked her. Our mother was the Ruler of Theramore, a human colony on the east coast of Kalimdor, Jaina Proudmoore. She was the most powerful sorceress of her time. However, she never expected what kind of power her twin daughters would have…
TWINS?! You didn't even know your own twin was your sister, Sue? Come on! What'd you think she was all that time? A test tube clone?

Baby-kicking Christ this first paragraph went from confusing to fucked up!

Quote :
"Sapphire, you need to study more. Magic is not all about doing things with the flick of your wrist…" Mother said as when I failed to do a spell right. The shattered pieces of the vase I had broke lay scattered all over the floor.

"Sorry. It is hard for me to just sit down and study. I need to move, not stay in one place."

"I know. Just try, that's all I am asking for," She left my sister and me for study time.

"Hey Saphi, maybe you should do something else. You don't have to be a mage," My sister Valephenia said from the study desk, "You are awesome at archery and swordsmanship." Vale had silky blond hair with blue eyes and I had rough blonde hair that tangles a lot with blue-green eyes. We had few things in common, strengths and weaknesses included.
Our heroines, Valepheninaneilarphelnenaineal and Sapphire, Ladies and Gentlemen, Mikey.

Quote :
"I want to learn magic, Vale." I sat down and opened the book in front of me, and sighed. I looked through the window, up north.
"I don't want to be a Muggle! Everyone in Stormwind High makes fun of me for not knowing Magic!"

Quote :
Unbeknownst that as I looked North, My father looked South, toward Theramore, on a ship heading down the coast, filled with undead and followed by several other ships with the banners of the Scourge…

Dad looked at his surroundings and smirked. This is going to be easier than I thought, he silently said to himself, Jaina's stupid muck colony is going to crumble and I shall punish her for abandoning me.

"We shall reach there by midnight, my lord," A cultist informed him.

"Coax some more speed it the sail, and get out the oars," My dad growled.

"Yes, your majesty."
Wait, she knows what her father is doing? If she can do that sort of thing, shouldn't she, I don't know, WARN THERAMORE OF THE SCOURGE COMING?

Why is it whenever Arthas has a daughter, that they are born with special gifts? No one on Azeroth, is born with special powers! Medivh is the exception to this, he was possessed by Sargeras.

Quote :
Vale and I had slipped away again. We were walking in the marsh and when I saw ships anchored off the coast. I was curious so I ran toward the shore. Vale followed me, herself being as curious as I am, sometimes even more. What we saw shocked us.
It was a blue box with a flashing light on top of it. It looked big enough to hold a person in it!

Nope. She saw SCOURGE!

Quote :
Scores of ghouls, abominations, and various other kinds of undead were on the ships. Oars were out, slapping against the water and making the ships look like giant bugs on the surface. I was glad we didn't actually go on the beach. They would have seen us.

"What are we gong to do Sapphire?"

I did think of an idea, "Attack them. They can't hurt us from the sky." I should have said warn Theramore, but excitement blocked out logic.


What's exciting about an undead invasion force? They're going to strip you of your flesh and stretch it across an anodized aluminum frame they learned to extrude and weld all in about five minutes!

But no, no, Valenphinarphillenniannaphel and Sapphire start a two-Sue air Raid on the Scourge, which is an even dumber idea than GOING TO WARN THERAMORE.

Quote :
We called our flying pets, Valephenia's a silver hippogryph, mine a gryphon. We flew toward the ships. Vale started with a storm of fireballs. I did lightning. Vale's hit dead on, sinking a ship in the rear. Mine did not hit very well, most of the lightning bolts hitting the water. I swore angrily. A ballistae shot at us, and we split off. I veered toward the front ship, and looked down, concentrating on another spell.
"But it's hard to concentrate when you have Rebecca Black's Friday stuck in your head."

Quote :
Dad was laughing darkly. Only two attackers? And one isn't very accurate…Jaina isn't very smart, is she?

One headed towards his ship. He prepared to knock him out of the sky. He looked at his soon-to-be victim, and he froze, locking his eyes with mine. Jaina…
You can hear the Lich King in your head! You knew he was going to attack! Why could you not warn Theramore like you thought would be a good idea in the first place?

Quote :
I was trembling. It was the Lich King. He pointed and my gryphon died, and I was falling. We crashed into the ocean.

I could not tell which way was the surface and I was drowning. I tried to reach the surface and couldn't. I struggled against the strong ocean current.
Oh good, death by drowning. One Sue down, one to go.

But wait! Here's where shit really slides down-hill!

Quote :
Several minutes passed…

I felt an arm wrap around me and I fought against it. I was not dying without a fight, and I surfaced. I coughed violently, no longer struggling with my rescuer. I was too busy get air into my lungs. I was pulled up on deck and instead of fighting the undead on it; I just concentrated on my burning lungs, and coughing up saltwater. I tried to breathe normally. I coughed again, and saltwater came out. I breathed hard, lungs pumping hard.
My hair was soaked hard, my hands were trembling hard, and I was cold and wet and hard...

Quote :
"You aren't Jaina…Who are you?" A deep voice said. I looked up, startled. I started to tremble. The Lich King crouched next to me, soaking wet. He had saved me. His helm was off and I stared into blue-green eyes, like my own…
He doesn't do that, Sue-thor.

Quote :
I cleared my throat as best as I could and coughed again, "Sap…Sapphire Menethil."

"What was that? Menethil?" He frowned. I flinched.

"Yes, sir. My mother's Jaina…How do you know her?" He looked shocked and confused at the same time, "Old friends…You are Arthas Menethil's child?"

"I don't know who that is…" I frowned,

You'd have to have been dropped if you were born on Azeroth and not know who Arthas Menethil is!

Here's a quick refresher:


Quote :
Why aren't I dead yet?
Good question! In-Character!Arthas! Would you have the honor?

Quote :
He gave me a contemplated look and turned to an undead soldier, "Get her a blanket or something, she's freezing." The soldier went to do just that.
GODDAMMIT!

Quote :
"I'm not an only child, that's Valephenia, my twin sister," I said, pointing to Vale flying overhead. The Lich King looked up. The hippogryph was descending and it landed on deck

"Saphi!" Vale jumped off and hugged me. The Lich King looked at us, as if comparing us to someone, probably Mom. The soldier came back and handed it to him. He wrapped it around me, "There. You are both foolish children to attack the Scourge."
"For this you must both die."
"Really?"
"No, I'm just going to add more padding to this already ridiculous scenario."

Quote :
We did not answer, expecting him to kill us. He stood up, "Captain, continue on our course." The undead hurried to do their jobs. We stayed in that position, Vale with her arm around me and me clutching the blanket and shivering. The Lich King kept staring at us. I asked him, "Who is that Arthas person you mentioned? Are we related to him?"

"Yes, he's your father. He and Jaina, your mother, were lovers once. Not anymore..."
"She wanted to join the Columbia Record Club and I wasn't ready for that kind of a commitment."

Quote :
He said that in a sorrowful tone. He wasn't comparing us to Mom. Curious, I decided to ask, "Are…you Arthas? Are you our father?"

He looked at me with the blue-green eyes like my own.

"Yeah, I'll take that as a yes."
OMG NO WAI! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Quote :
"Jaina never told me of children," He said in a quiet voice.

"We were from the first time you and her…uh…you know…had sex," Vale said.
Ah hah-hah! Makin' a porno!

Quote :
"I see," He said detachedly. I coughed again violently, and he looked at me with actual concern.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine…" I said in a raspy voice. "No, you aren't. Let's put you in bed." He picked me up and took me to the captain's cabin. Vale followed, too shocked to speak.
Way to go, Sue-thor. You turned the Lich King, one of the baddest motherfuckers in Azeroth, into a caring father! He now has no credibility!

Quote :
I woke up to screams filling the airs. I still felt sick. Vale looked scared.

"What's happening?" I asked, coughing again.

"I don't know! Dad told me to stay in here…he didn't tell me why…" She was worried.

I got up and walked toward the door. She grabbed my arm, "Where are you going? He said stay here!"

"What's your point, Vale?" I snapped. She frowned, "What's with you?"

"I want to know!" She nodded. I opened the door.
And with that we have survived the first chapter. The first chapter alone the author has accomplished to shatter any credibility for the Lich King. He is the Lich King no more, he is now the Bitch King! He had plenty of chances to kill the Sues and instead has become a weaboo father!

Enough of this crap, I need some machinima...


Last edited by TheIan on Mon Apr 04, 2011 12:18 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Lapin
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PostSubject: Re: Lich King's Daughters   Sun Apr 03, 2011 7:25 pm

TheIan wrote:

Quote :
I never really wanted to be royalty.
Yes you do and you know it, Sue! Admit it!

She can't admit it Ian, that would make her motivated and driven. Sue's can't possess that range of emotion. Their sparky widdle heads would explode.

Quote :
Quote :
I just wanted a better life. My sister and I had no idea what awaited us. I always called her my sister even though we weren't related, but then I found out she really was my sister.
Wait, if you called her sister even though she wasn't, but then you find out she was? Is Who still on first?

I see no point to this description. "I have a twin." That's all you need to write. That's it.

Quote :
Why is it whenever Arthas has a daughter, that they are born with special gifts? No one on Azeroth, is born with special powers! Medivh is the exception to this, he was possessed by Sargeras.

Because if you have to actually work for something and earn it, you're a character, not a Sue.

Quote :
We called our flying pets, Valephenia's a silver hippogryph, mine a gryphon.

Of course you have magical flying pets.


I don't even play WoW and I know how absolutely ridiculous nonsense. Congratulations on getting through this much of it Ian, because the minute I read that "not sister, but sister, no wait twin", BS, I'd have banged my head into the keyboard and moved on with my day. Possibly assisted by a full glass bottle, tinted green. What's weird though, is I feel like WoW is just action-adventure enough to keep the Sues away for the most part. Does this mean that none of us are safe anymore?
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TheIan
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PostSubject: Re: Lich King's Daughters   Sun Apr 03, 2011 7:55 pm

Lapin wrote:
Quote :
We called our flying pets, Valephenia's a silver hippogryph, mine a gryphon.

Of course you have magical flying pets.
Actually flying mounts are the norm for players in WoW what with Cataclysm and all.

Quote :
I don't even play WoW and I know how absolutely ridiculous nonsense. Congratulations on getting through this much of it Ian, because the minute I read that "not sister, but sister, no wait twin", BS, I'd have banged my head into the keyboard and moved on with my day. Possibly assisted by a full glass bottle, tinted green. What's weird though, is I feel like WoW is just action-adventure enough to keep the Sues away for the most part. Does this mean that none of us are safe anymore?
We've never been safe from Sues, Lapin. They're everywhere! Like cockroaches, Justin Bieber or 4Chan, they're everywhere!
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Lapin
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PostSubject: Re: Lich King's Daughters   Sun Apr 03, 2011 10:27 pm

TheIan wrote:
Lapin wrote:
Quote :
We called our flying pets, Valephenia's a silver hippogryph, mine a gryphon.

Of course you have magical flying pets.
Actually flying mounts are the norm for players in WoW what with Cataclysm and all.

Are they normally sparkly and silver?
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Sakurelf
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PostSubject: Re: Lich King's Daughters   Sun Apr 03, 2011 10:44 pm

Lapin wrote:
TheIan wrote:
Lapin wrote:
Quote :
We called our flying pets, Valephenia's a silver hippogryph, mine a gryphon.

Of course you have magical flying pets.
Actually flying mounts are the norm for players in WoW what with Cataclysm and all.

Are they normally sparkly and silver?

Well, like most MMOs, WoW functions on the "Everybody's a Sue, so nobody's a Sue" premise.

But these girls are Specialer than just regular special.
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Lapin
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PostSubject: Re: Lich King's Daughters   Sun Apr 03, 2011 11:02 pm

Sakurelf wrote:
Lapin wrote:
TheIan wrote:
Lapin wrote:
Quote :
We called our flying pets, Valephenia's a silver hippogryph, mine a gryphon.

Of course you have magical flying pets.
Actually flying mounts are the norm for players in WoW what with Cataclysm and all.

Are they normally sparkly and silver?

Well, like most MMOs, WoW functions on the "Everybody's a Sue, so nobody's a Sue" premise.

But these girls are Specialer than just regular special.

Okay then. Point is conceded to the Sue for not making them matching pegasi with sparkly rainbow manes.
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ellecue

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PostSubject: Re: Lich King's Daughters   Tue Apr 05, 2011 10:49 pm

TheIan wrote:
Quote :
"You aren't Jaina…Who are you?" A deep voice said. I looked up, startled. I started to tremble. The Lich King crouched next to me, soaking wet. He had saved me. His helm was off and I stared into blue-green eyes, like my own…
He doesn't do that, Sue-thor.
The part that fills me with the most foreboding is the 'deep voice' part. Maybe I've read too much bad published fic in the form of romance, but a deep voice is generally reserved for the romantic hero. Which would mean that either these kids are going to go all Parent Trap, or... head into MUCH deeper bad-fic territory.

Now taking bets on which is more likely to occur in this fic!
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InkWeaver
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PostSubject: Re: Lich King's Daughters   Wed Apr 06, 2011 11:02 am

^ Oh god, I was thinking the same thing with the loving (and several times over) descriptions of his "blue-green eyes, like my own."
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Happenstance
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PostSubject: Re: Lich King's Daughters   Sat Apr 09, 2011 5:31 pm

What on Azeroth...they refer to their gryphons as pets? The Lich King kills shit just by pointing at it? And then saves stuff from drowning? Whaaaaaat?

I want to use invisibility and run away from this fic but it's on cooldown.

Great snark though. Loved the Doctor Who reference...I want there to be more of this because it's just too funny.
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Amalja



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PostSubject: Re: Lich King's Daughters   Thu Apr 21, 2011 10:48 pm

Being a WoW player, and one who frequently checks the Warcraft section on FF.net, I've seen this done many times. And it hurts.
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Cunovendus
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PostSubject: Re: Lich King's Daughters   Sat Apr 23, 2011 4:56 pm

Is it common practice in literature to, when writing in first person, describe events that you don't actually know are taking place due to the fact that you're not there?
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