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 In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King

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Nevvy
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PostSubject: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Mon Oct 31, 2011 4:24 am

Hoo boy. Poor little Lich King. I don't think anybody else in the WoW fandom had to endure as many Sues as he did. Haven't really been in the fandom for several months, but this one keeps coming back to haunt me.

The Purity of Forbidden Love

I’d like to mention that the author is one of those who have a basic grip of writing, but with a strange hatred for describing anything and, judging from her reactions to even mild criticism, an even greater dislike for improvement.

To avoid this being longer than the story itself I’m going to ignore the spelling errors, even though there are plenty of bizarre ones like “windowseal.” Supposedly a house ornament imported from the tuskarr.

Let’s roll.

Our main leads are a blood elf (Isabella. Oh so subtle) and a tauren (Griven), respectively. For those who don't know, tauren are essentially native American-themed minotaurs. According to game canon, "They stand anywhere from six and a half to nine feet tall and weigh anywhere from 400 to 700 pounds." Blood elves are essentially tall humans with pointy ears and a magic crackpot addiction.

This is going to be uncomfortable.

Quote :
Since childhood, Isabella and Griven were almost inseperable.

Oookay, first line of the story and we already have a problem. See, tauren were off on another, undiscovered continent up until about (current game time) seven years ago. There is no way a tauren could have grown up with a belf.

Quote :
Isabella began to take an interest in healing magic. When she wasn't with Griven, she had her nose in a book. She was at the top of her class, and soared highly in aditional subjects.

Griven however did not strive in magic. He instead excelled in fighting. He tried to take interest in the subjects that Isabella would study. But his rage and anger was to great. It over powered him.

Oh Griven, you’re so dreamy. Could you guys picture a guy who sounded more like the perfect boyfriend?

Quote :
As they rached adulthood, they began to grow even closer.

Because they obviously have so much in common.

Quote :
They had to hide their love. Even though both were dedicated members of the horde, love between a blood elf and a tauren was forbidden.

… why? I mean, yeah, I’m sure belves in general wouldn’t appreciate it because they need more pretty, not too hairy baybees, but I’ve never seen anything about it being explicitly forbidden. This is set while Thrall is still in charge. Warchief Hellshriek would possibly be more into drawing lines like that, but…

… excuse me a sec, I need to curl up in a corner and cry.

Quote :
She would pester Griven about a wedding. He would shrug it off and say what ever he could to pacify her. But she began to grow impatient. Something seemed different about her warrior. He was more hostile towards her.

*fans self* Be still, my beating heart! The fluffiness is reaching critical mass!

Quote :
The more she pestered him, the more he would stray.

So what we essentially have here is a fourteen-year-old girl chasing around her best friend’s older brother, who can’t stand the annoying ditz.

Quote :
"We will never work! I don't love you! This will never happen between us! Not now! Not ever!" those words of anger and betrayal would forever burn in Isabella's memories. Griven had spilled these vile words of hate upon her one summer evening. She had confronted him about his distant behavior.

See? He’s being pretty clear about it, don’t you think?

But of course, it’s all an act because OF COURSE it’s just him playing hard to get trying to protect her from himself because he lurrrves her too much. Remember girls, when a guy says he doesn’t want to be with you, just keep pestering him with all your might because he doesn’t really mean it. Stephanie Meyer said so!

Quote :
Isabella had to watch from afar as Griven continued his training. She would watch from her window as his rage would build and build.

I better go change my panties. All these mentions of Griven being prime material for a future abusive husband has me all hot and bothered.

Quote :
Since Isabella would not choose a man herself, her father decided to assign her to one.
He picked a young paladin named Phaelan. He was very full of himself, and thought that every living creature was in love with him. No matter how hard she faught or cryed, nothing would change her father's mind.

Oh no. The drama. It’s killing me.

Such ends the first chapter. You might have noticed that it was pretty much a summary – actually, Griven’s attempt to break up with Be- err, Isabella was the only piece of dialogue in the whole thing. Truly, a masterful way to grab the readers’ attention and make them care about these moro- I mean characters.

God help me, there is so much to comment on!

Chapter two starts with Isabella spying Griven going into the stables to take off in the middle of the night. This indicates that they live in the same household, but it’s never clear. Being a ditzy fourteen-year-old in a grown belf’s body (supposedly, at least), she makes one more attempt to bother him about some furry love.

Quote :
he took a glance at her, but forced himself to look away. Her silk nightgown showed a large amount of cleavage, and the hem was above her knees.

The meat and soul of a cross-race romance like this is to actually USE the fact that the lovers are very different from each other, and explore how cultural ideas of beauty and attraction can clash and mesh to bloom into understanding and love. Here? A (at least) six-foot tall bull guy is attracted to a weedy little woman as thick as one of his arms, and the other way around. There is NO mention of what they see in each other, neither physically nor intellectually. It’s difficult to swallow that he would see her as a woman the same way one of her own kind would see her as a woman, since the females of his race are so different from her. He has not been raised to think of bald boobs as interesting!

We’re just supposed to accept that they’re both furries.

*groan* Okay. Deep breath, people. We can do this.

Quote :
The only thing that I was able to excell in was the art of war. I did not want to go to war, and leave you widowed before your time.

You know what, this I can buy. This makes sense, and makes him noble. If we just forget the whole race thing for a moment and think of him as just a warrior, he’s looking at this whole thing realistically. They both live in a world ravaged by war and he feels the call to go out and fight to protect his and her people, prepared to die for that cause – and knowing that he probably won’t come back, he wants to smoothen the blow for the person he cares the most about.

But she’s having none of that. She’s GETTING SOME, GODDAMMIT!

Quote :
Isabella approached him, and placed her hands on his shoulders.

Jesus. There’s more proof that he’s NOT a tauren, than that he is one. Either that or she’s freakishly tall.

Quote :
"The only pain that I feel is living my life without you." she stared at the tauren. She moved her hands up to the sides of his face, feeling the warmth of his fur against her cool fingertips. He placed one of his hands on hers, and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath drinking in her touch. She pulled his head down and placed her forehead against his as she closed her eyes as well. "Kiss me."

Uh-oh.

BATTER DOWN THE HATCHES THIS IS NOT A DRILL REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Quote :
He soon lifted Isabella into his arms, and carried her to his room.

Since nobody hears this I must assume his family spends a lot of money on carpets.

Quote :
Falling back to the bed, Isabella laid back nervously as Griven placed himself above her. Like most tauren men, his erect member was very large. She was extremely intimidated, and nervous.

The above two lines, people? That was the foreplay.

Quote :
"That doesnt sound foolish at all. I had the same thoughts." at those words, Griven thrust his entire member into her breaking her virginity.

Ow.

OW.

FREAKING OWW OWW OWWWWW.

Holy freaking hell! No foreplay, no preparation, no lube, NOTHING.

Quote :
The first few crys that escaped Isabella's mouth were pain filled.

No shit, his penis is poking her liver!

Needless to say, as soon as she recovers from having something the size of her arm rammed up her crotch, it’s all a pleasure roller coaster of true love. For the five sentences it lasts.

Going to shop groceries is going to be a pain, because I'm never uncrossing my legs again.

Chapter three starts with Isabella waking up to find Griven snuck off while she was unconscious after their passionate lovemaking. Half the chapter is her having a stereotypical no-I-won’t-yes-you-will with her parents and the guy they want her to marry. The parents of course don’t understaaand her and the hubby-to-be is a jerk with hints of being abusive, which she oddly doesn’t fall head over heels for considering she found that so endearing in Griven.

So she decides to run away from home so she can once again chase after the guy obviously trying to get the hell away from the clingy harpy.

Quote :
As she placed the hood of her cloak atop her head, she took one last look at the courtyard. The training dummies stood motionless. She frowned in fear. She was not prepared for a battle of any form. Never once had she trained in any skill of combat.

Oh what could go wrong?

She also seems to have forgotten that she knocked her hubby-to-be to the floor earlier with a spell earlier. But fighting isn’t woman stuff!

And so the frightened little girl who has never been in battle before sets off through the Plaguelands to get to the Undercity. At least, I think it’s the Plaguelands. It’s only ever called “the forest,” and not a mention of the scenery. Again, for those who don't know, the Plaguelands consist of two huge chunks of land infested with undead, fanatical crusaders who kill anything moving, and giant worms.

Quote :
She not only feared battle, but she feared where she was heading. She was willing riding into the heart of Icecrown.

What.

Quote :
To face Arthus in the flesh.

What.

Quote :
If she couldn't fight, she had to help Griven. She had packed several exliers for him to drink. But the thought of her being to late was often present.

Yes, I’m sure he and the rest of the raid will appreciate your level 2 dead weight, chica.

Oh wait, did I say “the rest of the raid”? Haha. Ha.

Yes, people, start worrying.

Quote :
Her mind also wandered into other problems. She did not think ahead fully enough.

No objections there.

For some reason the author doesn’t use any signals for radical changes of scenery, like a little * or those lines that ff.net helpfully offers in their editor. So between paragraphs, BAM, other side of the world.

Quote :
Griven sat on a mass of rocks staring at the fire that himself and his team built. They had discovered a herd of scourge, destoryed them, and burned the remains.

I’d like to point out that there’s not a single indication of where in Northrend this is taking place. Setting the locale? Hmph! You lowly peasants deserve none of that. Use your imagination.

Anyway, Griven is emo about Isabella and thinking about how much he wants to go back and marry her. Somehow everyone, or at least his commander, knows this is the only thing he’s thinking about. Then again, that’s not so surprising because we all know the whole world circles around these two.

Quote :
Griven did admire the troll commander as a boy.

Hmm, a tauren growing up in Silvermoon admired a troll as a child. Something about that sounds kinda… weird. Oh well, just my imagination I’m sure.

Quote :
He dreamed about going to battle under his command. But he was beginning to regret his choice. The commander drank violently. His orders were dangerous. He never calculated anything completely.

Ookay, I don’t like Garrosh and doubt his leadership abilities from start to finish. However, I also doubt even he would be dumb enough to put a drunkard in command of (supposedly) a small army and send them into (supposedly) the heart of Icecrown. They kind of need all the people they still have to keep the spiders out of Garrosh’s living room.

Quote :
To march into the Icecrown Citadel under his command was suicide.

Uh.

Quote :
To march into the Icecrown Citadel under his command was suicide.

… Uh.

Quote :
To march into the Icecrown Citadel under his command was suicide.

Yeah, screw months of preparation, careful planning, risking lives to find weak points, and calling upon the greatest warriors in the land! Argent Crusade? Who’s got time to wait for those slowpokes?

Quote :
Either way, death seemed to be waiting.

Congrats. Here’s your Nobel prize for Pointing Out the Obvious.

And that's halfway through. The best is yet to come, but I'm holding it off for a bit. Don't want to hog all of it at once.
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WD40
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Mon Oct 31, 2011 3:11 pm

This forum needs a 'Like' button for reals...

I've never played WoW, and have no idea of the mythos... but I had a good giggle reading this!
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Mon Oct 31, 2011 3:38 pm

I've been saying for years that it makes perfect sense for blood elves to date other races. "Why would I ever date another blood elf? They're all so narcissistic! All they ever care about is themselves, their own wants and desires, not what's really important in a relationship: ME! My wants! My desires!"
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Mon Oct 31, 2011 3:59 pm

I only played the regular Warcraft, in God mode and cheating like a married sailor, but in my limited knowledge I cannot see these two spending more than ten minutes together without getting bored to tears.
Or maybe it's the perfect match, she mentally revises her day's readings while he tells her how he bench-pressed a metric ton, he chews the cud while she goes on and on about the healing virtues of some plant that she read about.
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Mon Oct 31, 2011 11:17 pm

Quote :
"That doesnt sound foolish at all. I had the same thoughts." at those words, Griven thrust his entire member into her breaking her virginity.

Cue any sex scene from Urotsukidoji 2. Especially the Death Rape Machine. No joking.
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Tue Nov 01, 2011 11:04 pm

Come here. Let me love you. Your snark was beautiful. <3

Oh my god, I love how the Sue is like "I'MMA GO KILL THE LICH KING LOL" despite the fact that she apparently has absolutely no way of actually helping or defending herself at all and as though it's just some spur-of-the-moment decision. I mean...wow. Arthas might actually be too amused to kill her. Or he'd just be like "NOPE", do a tableflip, and then go back to the damn Frozen Throne.
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Wed Nov 02, 2011 3:21 am

Aww, shucks y'all Glad you liked it. So heeere's the second half!

Chapter four begins with an unlikely event.

Quote :
Isabella had finally reached the Undercity.

Were all the undead monstrosities, giant worms and crazy zealots in the Plaguelands off celebrating Tirion Fordring's birthday or something?

Quote :
She left her horse at the gate to nibble on some grass as she proceeded on foot with her bag strapped tightly to her back.

When she returned, the horse had died from food poisoning.

There’s no description of the Undercity either, apart from mentioning that one undead woman has no lower jaw and smell bad, and that there are other races than undead running around. What’s this “atmosphere” thing you speak of?

She asks a troll for directions to Icecrown Citadel (oh brother) and gets told that speaking of that is dangerous ‘round this parts. Err, why? The entire Horde is focused on the war against the Lich King, especially the Forsaken. Why on earth would that be a taboo subject?

Isabella somehow has the ability to wander the Undercity and still keep track of where she’s been and where she hasn’t. That should be a superpower in its own right. With the help of her amazing pathfinding skillz, she stumbles into Sylvanas’ room where the Banshee Queen stands around like a moron on her podium, all alone.

Quote :
"Lady Sylvanas! I cant believe its you! I am..." Isabella screamed and stumbled back when Sylvanas suddenly drew her bow.
"How dare you address me without permission. Do you have any idea who I am?"

What’s this? Sylvanas is in character? Haaallelujah!

Quote :
"My m-mistake. I did not know."

Uh, you just called her by name. You know who she is. Now, proper manners and respect, that you know nothing about, young lady.

Isabella whines to Sylvanas that she wants to go to Northrend, cueing the only sane line in this entire thing.

Quote :
"You fool. Why would you willingly step foot in that hell on Earth? Leave! Never return to my sight."

Thank you, Sylvie.

But we can’t possibly have that, so after Isabella whines some more and insists on being in love with a tauren. If it was so important that such a love is forbidden, why are you blathering about it to the most merciless leader on the planet? But somehow this softens Sylvie’s heart and she gives directions to the zeppelin tower. Oh sorry, I mean the dock. I mean, the boat tower.

Quote :
"Go outside, and follow the path. Climb the tower on your left. Take the boat, that will take you to Northrend. That is all that I will tell you. You must find your own way from there. Hurry, the boat will be leaving soon."

Sylvie, did you drink a cocktail Varimathras left for you before the whole takeover debacle?

For heaven’s sake, author, I assume you’ve played the game. You can hear those goddamn annoying goblins yelling about the ZEPPELIN every time you’re too close by. Zeppelins and boats are two very different things.

Isabella gets on the *sigh* boat and has a panic attack as soon as it lifts off. A nearby orc takes pity on her.

Quote :
"Nevermind that. How long till we get to Northrend?" she asked. The orc shook his head.
"We wont be there for about three days." Isabella's jaw dropped.
"No, no, no! I might be to late by then. I need to get to Icecrown today!"

Isabella breaks down crying. Seeing this little girl who obviously has no idea what she’s doing and clearly can’t take care of herself, the orc does the only logical thing and alerts the captain to arrange for a mage to teleport her back to Silvermoon, so that she won’t blunder off into the most dangerous area on the planet and die uselessly and stupidly.

… no, of course not. That would make sense.

Quote :
"Well..." the orc began. "This is the quickest way to Northrend. I do know the way to Icecrown. I could take you there if you like." Isabella gasped, and jumped up.

Say hi to Etok, everyone. He’ll be Isabella’s pet from here out. He explains to her why he’s so good-natured.

Quote :
I have a beautiful wife and child waiting for me at the Warsong Hold.

You’re such a great dad, Etok. He also reveals that, gasp, his wife is a troll and that is frowned upon, but it’s all okay because they’re in love. I’d think orcs and trolls wouldn’t have nearly as many issues as some other racial combinations, but there you go. By the way, Isabella and crew, have you ever heard about this place in Outland called, what was it… Mok’nathal Village? (It's a village consisting of a whole tribe of half-orc-half-ogres. NOBODY has a problem with this. I mean apart from everyone wanting to kill them but that's mainly because their enemies are hungry monsters and Alliance who kill anything that's on the Horde's side.)

Quote :
"I hope that I'm doing the right thing."

NO. What’s wrong with you people?

Chapter five… at least these chapters are blissfully short.

Quote :
"Etok...are those blocks of ice in the water?"
(snip)
"Etok! Where's the path to Icecrown? How close are we? Lets go!" she said excitedly.

Etok… how much proof do you need that this chick isn’t quite ready for Northrend?

Quote :
"Calm down Isabella. Dont forget that we must stop at Warsong Hold. They will offer us a passage to Icecrown. But its about five or six days away."

Rrrrgh! I hate, hate, HATE fanwits inability to grasp that these are freakin’ continents! Geography! You fail it!

Quote :
Isabella's jaw dropped. She was just prayed that Griven was stronger than she assumed.

Suddenly it becomes very clear why he acts so annoyed around her. I mean, clearer. I’d assume men like Griven generally don’t like it if their girlfriends don’t think of them as Superman on steroids.

Speaking of Griven, I wonder what he’s doing?

Quote :
Griven stood in front of the gates of Icecrown Citadel.

Ah. Great.

Quote :
He was ready for battle, but completely terrified. He glanced at his fellow soldiers, and saw the same look of fear plastered on their faces. Some were even shaking.

Also they smelled of chili sauce that a nice, thin man in a skirt had advised them to pour over themselves. He had assured them that together with the garnish stuck into their armor it would keep the zombies away.

And so they break into the Citadel. Leeeeerooooooooy Jeeeeeeeeenkins!

Meanwhile, Isabella and her pet are just getting started on their journey. Sooo… keep in mind that Etok said it would take several days to get to Icecrown, and Griven just stormed into the Citadel, where Isabella will later catch up with him. Right then.

Quote :
As they walked through the forrest Isabella looked around eyes wide. She felt like a child in a way. Everything was so interesting to her. She would stop to pick a flower, or to inspect a slow moving insect. Etok just sighed and tried to hurry her along. He chuckled at her excited behavior.

Etok should take his split personality medicine. I wonder if he brought her along as a snack, because she’s obviously not going to help with anything. Actually, she stops to yell and wave at a vrykul (seven foot tall, angry viking), leading to the only scene where he scolds her about not being careful. Minutes later (after passing a vrykul village, mind you) she spots a tauren village (no, not taunka. Why would you think that?) and she runs over. For some reason Etok cannot keep up with her. She really must be freakishly tall.

Somehow Isabella knows that Griven is now in an army heading to Icecro- hang on, how the hell does she even know that’s where Griven was EVER going? The first time Icecrown was ever mentioned was when Isabella decided to go there after Griven packed his bags and ran like hell.

Urgh. Anyway… she asks a random taunka woman if an army has passed by. What, on a continent ravaged by undead and two opposing factions as well as smaller groups of neutral people constantly at war? Unpossible!

Quote :
"Yes...about two days ago. They stopped in to buy some supplies. There was fairly handsome tauren among the bunch. But he didnt have much intrest in all the services that we offer here." Isabella sighed in relief. Griven was staying faithful to her. Even though they werent together.

Yes, because it could only be HER tauren the woman is talking about. Even though she said he’s only “fairly” handsome and Griven is obviously the hottest piece of beef there ever was.

… how can Griven have passed through two days ago if he’s already in Icecrown and it took severarrrgh!

At the end of the chapter it’s suddenly a taunka village anyway.

In the beginning of chapter six, because Etok got a wolf mount from the taunka… somehow… they’re making good time but Isabella is literally whining about her butt aching after the long ride.

Okay yadayada, Isabella buys them a flight by bribing an undead with a recipe for a never before seen mind control potion, because she's suddenly smart. Brilliant. When the Apothecaries have taken over and turned everything to green mush we’ll know who to thank.

When they get to Warsong Hold it’s all hugs and kisses with Etok’s wife, but whatever. The most interesting thing is that the wife forces Isabella to sleep, which she hasn’t done since she came to Northrend.

It’s like the author is doing her damndest to paint her main character as an idiot.

In chapter seven they fly off towards Icecrown.

Quote :
The more time she wasted, the closer Griven could have been to certain death!

Yeah, because you’re obviously the only one powerful enough to keep him alive.

Quote :
The two (Etok and wifey) mounted their proto-drakes, (which made the blood elf feel more like a third wheel than she already was)

Oh my. A glint of insight. And it continues as Etok and wifey display some self-preservation.

Quote :
"Motesha has been inside of the Citadel only once ... and does not wish to go back in. I am sorry Isabella ... but this is where our journey ends. What awaits you beyond those gates, I can only hope you're ready to withstand. "

Oookay, because the Citadel, the headquarters of the most dangerous person (at this time) on the planet, is just a place you can traipse into and out of as much as you want.

Quote :
Nodding once, the blood elf fought back tears as she realized with sudden urgency that it was suicide to go into the Icecrown Citadel alone.

Oh wow, more sudden insights. Watch out there, Isabella, you might actually get sensible at this point!

They land on the footsteps on the Citadel and…

Quote :
Turning her back to them, Isabella exhaled slowly and boldly made her first few steps into the freezing gates of Icecrown Citadel.

Guards? Sentries? Huge skeletons with clubs? Why, no decent Lord of the Undead would ever bother with those at his own front lawn.

Amazingly, the next part of the story makes an effort to build atmosphere with descriptions of the cold and unfriendly insides of the Citadel. Of course, it completely fails because there are no undead within sight (yet) despite this being the heart of the Lich King’s operations.

Quote :
Isabella plopped down onto the frozen floor, pulling a dusty book out of her bag. Inside, was a folded piece of parchment that she knew would aid her journey. Griven had been studying the layout of the citadel before heading off with his troops

What

Who

When

How where HOW WHEN have they printed it from WoWpedia what the hell HOW HOW HOW

No… no, I can feel myself weakening. The stupid… it’s too much… can’t… take it… must… but there’s so little left, I can do it!

Quote :
A fiendish scourge was bounding towards her with intent to kill! The creature knocked backwards her roughly and wasted no time at clawing her face, and biting her once gorgeous robes.

Oh joy! There ARE undead in here!

Quote :
In desperation, the priest grabbed at her book and began to pummel down on the creature's head. The young blood elf didn't even realize she had been screaming her head off as she beat the howling creature to a bloody pulp!

Arthas’ finest, ladies and gentlemen.

She moves on and steals a ribbon from a giant, mutant monster dog that just sleeps on. Just because. Then she pours some weird shit on some soldier bones she finds, while the description makes it sound like they were already being raised as undeads as she does so. She also sneaks past some more bosses, and then we get to…

Chapter eight. Oh, chapter eight. The main attraction. The real reason I wrote the monster-sized review and now this fourteen pages long snark.

It is amazing.

Quote :
"Griven!" Isabella bellowed as she began to run towards him. The massive tauren stood before a spiral staircase leading up to the frozen throne where the King sat admiring his flith that he spread across the land.

You can just hear him screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOO” inside. Or not. Suddenly he’s all hugs and kisses and doesn’t protest when she insists on following him up the stair to fight Lichy. So he doesn’t want to make her a widow, but he’s okay with taking her along to certain eternal undead slavery.

So dreamy. Oh yeah, and apparently he’s the only one left of the army that went in. Go figure.

Quote :
"If I fall in battle Isabella...I want you to run."
"I cant just leave you..."
"Do not dishonor me!" he yelled.

Meanwhile, Arthas was starting to wonder who was making all the racket down there. But since he was comfy, he decided to not bother looking.

Quote :
Her eyes widened when she saw the Lich King himself sitting on his throne. He was drumming his fingers on the arm, watching Griven reach the center circle. His sword was resting against the opposite arm. But Arthus grasped it firmly as he rose, and began to descend the stairs.

Ahaha. I said I wouldn’t comment on the spelling errors, but this one… see, spelling it “Arthus” once up there wasn’t a typo. The author cannot even spell the main villain’s name.

I am too weakened to even make a “Arthas’ stunt-double” joke.

And now, the Lich King shall display his cool factor by delivering some bonechilling pre-battle banter! Everyone ready? Here it co-

Quote :
"Well, well, well...looks like one managed to make it to me alive. I have heard of you Griven. Such a brave, and strong warrior. Its a shame that I will have to spill your blood. You would have made a great knight of the scourge."



Quote :
Its a shame that I will have to spill your blood. You would have made a great knight of the scourge.

*S N A P*

I

You

Undead

Lich King

Frostmourne

That

How

Heeelp

This is it. I give up. This is the dumbest line in any fanfic ever. It’s even worse than super saiyan Hitler, because that was dumb on a whole other level. This shows a total base ignorance of the core concept in the setting of the author’s own choosing.

How. Do. You. Do. That?



Okay. I’ve had a gallon of tea and scraped my brain cells from behind the sofa. Let’s finish this sucker.

Quote :
"Only one's blood will be spilled tonight...and it will be yours Arthus!" Griven roared. Isabella lost her footing when the sound of the two blades clashing together reached her ears.

She actually falls down the stairs, apparently. Sadly she doesn’t break her flimsy neck. No, instead she makes it back up into the two walls of texts that is… is…

Sigh.

Quote :
Before the king could issue his next attack Isabella drew every ounce of strength that she had left and with one quick thrust she pierced Griven's blade into Arthus's neck.

… yep.

Quote :
She glared at him as she twisted to the right and pulled it to the side making one brutal slice.

… yep.

Quote :
Arthus coughed splattering her face with small amounts of his blood, and fell limp onto her knocking her onto her back.

… yep. The Lich King was just killed by Bella Swan’s baby sister.

Also she dies, but Griven uses his gnomish army knife to jump start her back to life. No. I mean literally.

Screw it. Screw this fic. There’s another chapter but it’s just them trying to get out and meeting up with Etok and his wife while Isabella constantly is on the verge of dying. It all ends rather abruptly with Griven promising that they’ll find a way to be together, but the ending feels uncertain so I assume the author was going to give us a corn syrup drenched last chapter/epilogue.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so frustrated with the levels of stupid in a fanfic. And yet it's such a beautiful, beautiful train wreck.
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Exodia's Right Leg
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Thu Nov 03, 2011 4:43 am

A classic Sue! I wanna take it home and call it George!

Just for the record: Illidan couldn't do to Arthas what those two dolts just did in this fic. You know, the badass night elf demon-hunter-turned-demon that requires a small army to even annoy. And that was before Arthas became the Lich King.
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Thu Nov 03, 2011 2:45 pm

Exodia's Right Leg wrote:
A classic Sue! I wanna take it home and call it George!

Yeah, I was really amazed that there was no description of her anywhere in the story. That was the only thing she lacked to be a full-blown classic Sue. But she fulfills so many other clichés that it doesn't really matter, I suppose.
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Sat Nov 05, 2011 10:57 pm

Oh my god. She screams when she sees a bow being drawn and she doesn't know what icebergs are. Well...can't afford to be choosy these days when it comes to sending soldiers to Northrend...Arthas just keeps killing 'em all. Bummer. Y'know, I'd like to read a fic where Bolvar!Lich King gets a lapdance from a Sue trying to melt his "frozen heart" or some shit. Now that would be quality.

Also. I play Alliance and I have a question. Last time I checked we didn't have people who announced the arrivals of our boats. How come hordies get goblins to tell them when zepplins come in? Or am I just wrong?
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Nevvy
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Sun Nov 06, 2011 1:10 am

Maybe goblins just don't like boats as much as zeppelins, haha. Dunno, but as I recall it at least you get to hear "The zeppelin from Stranglethorn Vale has just arrived! All aboard!" yelled all the time when you're too close to the towers.
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Sun Nov 06, 2011 7:20 am

I remember hearing that a couple of times when I've flown past towers...but no one ever announces boats. D: Maybe goblins just like yelling more than nelves and humans...
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Sun Nov 06, 2011 8:28 am

Of course goblins like yelling more than night elves do. With only a couple exceptions - and Illidan was more demon than nelf by BC - night elves don't really seem like yellers.
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Mon Nov 07, 2011 9:01 pm

Ah, true. Night elves are kind of the resident "bitch, please" race of the Alliance...
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Mon Nov 07, 2011 9:34 pm

And goblins you can imagine yelling about whatever.

"Yo, zeppelin's here!"

"Who wants some cantaloupe?!"

"Mildred, sorry to hear about your yeast infection! Don't worry, I won't tell nobody!"
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rae
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PostSubject: Re: In which a Bella Swan clone goes to kill the Lich King   Mon Nov 07, 2011 11:14 pm

Drabbler wrote:
"Mildred, sorry to hear about your yeast infection! Don't worry, I won't tell nobody!"

I LOL'd far harder than I should have.
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