Now, I'll start with saying that I have had next to no interaction with Koltira Deathweaver in game. I've done the Agmar's Hammer stuff, but that's it. Thassarian, well, I couldn't even tell you where he is. What I know about these two, I've read up on for shits'n'giggles and heard about from my sister, who's dubbed Koltira her homeboy because he's just so ridiculous.
I find all of the DKs are. I simply can't take them seriously.
Just saying... despite that, I'm pretty sure I can say with fair conviction that Koltira is preeetty out of character.
Today's subject is In Service of the Lich King.
This is another one of those fics where the author can actually write and pretty well. She would benefit from being better friends with the enter button, though. It's in the second chapter that things get that brand of silly bizarreness that I so love.
We start off with a looong paragraph of the lady of the evening arriving onto Orgrim's Hammer by way of her albino drake. Description is actually not shoved down our throats, much. We learn that she's been in Ulduar because she's armed with some stuff she dug out while in there, and some description of her that doesn't sound like the usual laundry list.
And then she meets Koltira.
- Quote :
- A short laugh left his lips as he turned to face her entirely.
... ooor somebody posing as him.
- Quote :
- Over the time she spent in that fortress and it’s nearby lands training they had struck an uneasy friendship that grew into a bit of a stronger bond. She had started like any other, someone he was short with and saw only as a means to ending Arthas. Now she was someone he would proudly call an ally and share a drink after battle with.
*sigh* What kills me is, again, that the author can write. It's not THAT impossible that Koltira would strike up an "uneasy" companionship with somebody if they proved useful enough, I suppose. However, when it gets to the drinking buddy friendship part, we're wandering out of that safe suspension of disbelief place. He's not even friendly with people who have saved his "life".
The following dialogue is also pretty snappy and believable - or would be, because it's not in character at all.
Take this part for example:
- Quote :
- “You better not fall over the edge I think Blackscar would have kittens,” Koltira called out as he smirked at her. Standing on the
middle of the deck his pale blueish tinged skin twisted in a simrk. Ice blue eyes seemingly glittering with amusement as the slight breeze ruffled his long blonde hair. Ornate black plate armor adorned him and rustled together as he made his way over to stand along the railing a bit down from her.
“You’d just like to see if my bubble would save me,” she joked and stuck her tongue out at him. “Though I must admit the idea of Blackscar having kittens does amuse me,” she admitted with a bit of a laugh.
“I’ve never seen green kittens before,” Koltira admitted
That made me chuckle. But, it doesn't sound like Koltira. This would make for a much better story if the author had just tossed in some random DK instead, whom she could paint as actually NOT constantly calling everything that moves "fool".
Also, his plate armor "rustles". I think he's going to go down like a priest, and with that I mean with one hit. Nothing else.
... this needs to end with Thassarian crashing in through a window to save his emo grumpmuffin.
They have a moment where she admits to being scared, though it makes her feel stupid, and of course he reassures her. Then, without warning, we're hit with a massive wall of text OF DOOM. A small army of scourge attacks the ship, and the narrative begins to crack with game mechanics.
- Quote :
- Koltira was a ways to the left calling upon his death and decay to try and destroy the ones assaulting him. For as strong as her holy powers were though she was losing ground and strength. The manifestation of her magics, her mana was starting to wane and once it was gone she’d have nothing but her melee abilities to rely on.
At least they're not losing HP.
A gargoyle grabs Calindrea and flies off with her. Koltira acts like a spazz trying to rescue her, which leads to him getting nabbed too. /golf clap
They're flown off and dropped down on a dark balcony somewhere (dun dun DUN!) and before they can gather their bearings, they're approached by who else but the LICH KING HIMSELF!
- Quote :
- “Well well, if it isn’t one of my errant little ‘knights’ and one of my future servants.”
Oh sorry, my mistake. They're approached by who else but a Bond villain.
Thus ends the first chapter. Are we having fun yet? Well, it only gets better from here!
Koltira tries to play the hero and protect the Sue, but to little surprise Coldfinger is not impressed.
- Quote :
- “Are you going to fight me, my errant knight?” Arthas asked, his face twisting cruelly into a smirk.
Yes. Yes, he is going to call Koltira that every time he talks to him. Also, how can they see his face when he hasn't taken off that helmet since the last loading screen?
- Quote :
- A sadistic laugh tore from his throat and he took one step toward them, strengthening his aura to a sicking amount. Enough to knock both of them out just with the pure malevolent force of it.
Yeah, I suppose that he's been in that armor for the least few years and, well, undead don't have working noses so he'd never need to shower... it has to be pretty overwhelming.
While his new toys nap, Arthas muses some and Koltira is called errant knight in the narrative as well. Again and again and again. Poor guy.
- Quote :
- This would work to his advantage as he wanted her corrupted and serving him. With her power on his side she would be a formidable weapon to turn back on the horde and alliance. A delicious thrill passed through him as he gleefully thought of the two reigning terror upon the idiots opposing him in his name.
Unlike many other Sues, we're actually not given any reason for why Calindrea would be such a formidable weapon that Lichy doesn't want to just kill and raise her like everyone else. This also begs the question why he'd bother wanting to convert Koltira back when it's already been made quite apparent that he's a pain in the ass with too much free will to be a reliable servant.
Following said "delicious thrill", Lichy starts thinking of his strategy. He'll use some part of Koltira's mind that he can still control against the lil' belf DK to make him do eeevil things again. But he needs to make sure Koltira doesn't notice until he's broken down. For some reason. Then Lichy will use Koltira and Calindrea against each other to break their wills or something.
Here's an idea you haven't tried before, dude. Chains, whips, spiky stuff, blowing up their minds with your sheer overpowering will, sucking out their souls through a paper cut...
Oh right, you just want some porn. I forgot. Carry on.
- Quote :
- Koltira found himself in a cell, a small fire lit in the one corner for a pathetic attempt at heat. A bit of furs piled nearby to it that
smelled musty seemed to make up a bed area.
Wow, they sure got a luxury suit for being the prisoners of uncaring undead. The Sue is still out cold so Koltira thoughtfully tucks her in in the furs and then watches her sleep for a while while he muses over their friendship and his lack of pals. At no point are any other DKs mentioned in any of this. You'd think he'd at least have some sort of gratitude towards whoever you want to say ran off to save his hide from the Scarlets, not to mention that weirdo who keeps saying stuff like "in death, we are one!"
From what we've seen here, you'd think Koltira is the only DK ever, especially since he gets so much attention from Lichy.
Calindrea eventually wakes up, and...
- Quote :
- “The only downside,” Koltira replied, “Is that these are some of his strongest cells in the deepest heart of Icecrown.
And you know that how exactly...?
- Quote :
- “I trust you two are finding the accomodations to your liking,” Arthas asked with a smirk
Five minutes ago...
Arthas: "KEL'THUZAD!"
Kel'thuzad: "Yes, my Lord?"
Arthas: "I need to look more evil. Let me borrow your cat so I can sit and stroke it absently while I taunt the prisoners."
Kel: "... that'll make you look more evil, my Lord?"
Arthas: "Of course! Why else would YOU have a pet cat?"
Kel: "... uhm, yes, of course. I'm afraid that Mr. Bigglesworth is napping right now, however."
Arthas: "Curses! I suppose I'll have to make do with some really clichéd lines, instead."
Kel: "FABULOUS, my Lord."
Calindrea calls him a monster, so he fires off a lame pet name for her as well. That'll learn 'er.
- Quote :
- “You have no idea, my dear,” Arthas replied with a smirk as he finished the spell that would remove any control Koltira had and any inhibitions as well. It would leave him little more than a conscious shell that craved the baser desires.
You might note, by now, that Arthas doesn't ever stop smirking. It's like he's Seifer in every FF8 fanfiction ever.
And there goes that smooth working on Koltira's mind without him noticing it, I suppose. Though to be fair, it was said that Lichy worked his magic while Calindrea oh so sweetly slept curled up in the furs by grumpy-boy's feet. Koltira collapses while clutching his head in agony as Lichy makes him imagine glorious battles, followed by mental images of Calindrea posing like a porn star.
Koltira: "NO! OH STARS NO DON'T MAKE ME HETEROSEXUAL!"
Fangirls: "OMG NOOOOO! It's inhuman!"
(Please note that though I'm very amused by Koltira/Thassarian, I don't think that they necessarily are canonically gay. But then again, we're in fanfic land here...)
- Quote :
- Arthas watched the scene with amusement. His plan was working. Koltira was coming back under his control and to spare his sanity and the last bits of his willpower and consciousness he felt sure the paladin would give herself to the cause. Otherwise she’d watch Koltira go mad and if he killed her well, then Arthas would merely have to raise her as a death knight.
Again, why this elaborate plan instead of just stabbing her in the stomach and get it over with? Right. Porn. I keep thinking you're above that kind of thing, Your Unholiness.
- Quote :
- The images in his head turning to twist into scenes of others talking to her, flirting with her. The jealousy rose in him and he felt the green monster start to take over, driving him mad from it.
Arthas: "Hey, goth boy, back off. I totally own being a DK possessed by an orc."
- Quote :
- “It would seem my errant little death knight has rekindled bits of feeling in his time away from me,” Arthas said quietly with a smirk, “Without help he would never act on them. However feelings have been known to drive one mad before if you fight them long enough. Isn’t that right my death knight?”
Kel'thuzad: "My Lord, I do not intend to criticize, but I'm thinking that maybe you would strike fear into their hearts with greater speed if you would spice up your language with a few more different turns of phrases."
Arthas: "I TOLD you I should be stroking a cat!"
Kel: "But my Lord, you're doing fabulously normally, with or without cat."
Arthas: "... you know, I really don't want to hear about repetetiveness from you."
- Quote :
- Koltira let out a groan and his hands moved to grip her wrists. Pulling her close to his face his blue eyes sought her green ones and she turned her head back to look at him fully. In a barely quiet voice he growled out, with the last of his own willpower, the last bit of his logical mind.
“Get away from me. I can’t control myself around you.”
We end on that cliffhanger. Keep in mind that, yes, Arthas is urging Koltira to jump the Sue's bones right in front of him. Ner'zhul, you're a pervy old voyeur.
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