Vibrator Company: WE DIDN'T MAKE THESE DILDOS FOR THE LIKES OF YOU!

Delcat: OKAY ZEISSY
Zeiss: YES
Delcat: ARE YOU READY TO SEE PORN FROM A GIRL'S POINT OF VIEW???
Zeiss: well okay then
Delcat: GET READY TO RIDE THE RAINBOW INTO A WONDERLAND OF COCKS
Zeiss: WHOO HOO

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Delcat: SEE HOW EXCITING YAOI IS???
Zeiss: That guy has really rectangular hair.
Delcat: IT'S BECAUSE HE'S EXCITED
Zeiss: Well of course he's excited! Look, there's Wolfwood!
Delcat: Okay, Zeiss! It's traditional to play a little game before delving in[/b]: Spot the Uke! Care to venture a guess?
Zeiss: ...why is Wolfwood making dildos
Zeiss: hmmm
Delcat: They are full of mercy, my friend.
Zeiss: oh is that what they call it
Zeiss: ...HOLD ON I'M LOOKING
[Zeiss: ...Is it the brown-haired one? Captain Plaidtie?
Zeiss: He's standing in front of a giant offspring of David Bowie and Ichimaru Gin, so I think it's him.
Zeiss: ...and he's waving a dildo at me. Great.
Delcat: Hm, lighter hair color, wider eyes...he does fit some of Zarla's Spot the Uke hints. We'll have to see!
Zeiss: We will, won't we.
Delcat: We will. Oh, we will.

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Zeiss: Meanwhile, at the Devo Training Grounds...
Delcat: I like how this page could be utterly vanilla if it weren't for the telltale dildo floating by.
Zeiss: I thought that was a turd on first glance.
Zeiss: Oh hey, it's Brock.
Delcat: Thankfully, it is not that kind of manga.
Zeiss: Thankfully indeed.
Delcat: I'm unsure as to what they're drinking out of those tiny glasses. It may, in fact, be lube.
Zeiss: Flavored?
Delcat: Dildo flavored.
Zeiss: Oh joy.
Zeiss: Next page?
Delcat: The next few pages are just bits of Japanese, mostly, so let's jump straight into the fray!

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Delcat: And I do mean straight into the fray. Vibrator Company is a bold manga that wastes no time!
Zeiss: "Toyzy"?
Zeiss: It sounds like a Yiddish teddy bear.
Delcat: If Yiddish teddy bears have cocks in them, sure.
Delcat: Note that the potential uke has gone from brown-haired to sheer blonde, increasing his odds of ukedom exponentially.
Zeiss: Dept. Head Johnny Longtorso.
Zeiss: I swear that guy is like 60% shoulder.
Delcat: Johnny Clothesrackshoulders Longtorso.
Delcat: The only thing that could make him wider is if he was wearing a really narrow tie.

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Zeiss: They live in the Dong Building.
Zeiss: Color me stunned.
Delcat: Page 2 and already the potential uke is uke-blushing. Bad sign for his asshole.
Delcat: No, no, Zeiss. They work in the Dong Building.
Zeiss: EXCITING WALKING ACTION
Delcat: They live in the Ball Aparment Complex down on Sperm Street.
Zeiss: Hey, what's that sound?
Zeiss: It sounds like...like...
Zeiss: del are you schlicking already
Delcat: I can't schlick to this, I'm afraid. It confuses my clitoris, and that makes it sad so it crawls under its hood and cries.
Zeiss: Touche.
Delcat: That sound it me schlicking to the goodporn I have open in the other window.
Delcat: Ohhh, yeah. Shake it, Cid.
Zeiss: I KNEW IT
Delcat: I'M A MULTITASKER WHAT CAN I SAY

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Delcat: Countdown until the sanity level is set for the rest of the manga: 3...
Zeiss: Microcephalitis is a serious condition, folks.
Zeiss: Captain Plaidtie. His position is Uke. His tie is plaid.
Delcat: But now his head is just big enough for a sex act I like to call "The snake vomiting its tail"!
Zeiss: eeeewwww
Zeiss: ...He turns into Benzene?
Delcat: Now, you don't know he's an uke. He's just a blushing blonde eager to please his older supervisor in the sex toy company.
Zeiss: you are contradicting yourself
Delcat: Am I the only one curious about the random cylinder in Panel 2? It's like a teeny sewer grate or something.
Zeiss: It's obviously some sort of dildo exhaust vent.
Delcat: Honey, dildos are made to fillexhaust vents. They don't need to build 'em special.

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Delcat: Countdown until the sanity level is set for the rest of the manga: 2...
Zeiss: You make it sound like they're going to open a door and find a magical Seussian vibrator wondergarden.
Delcat: ...actually...
Zeiss: oh god
Zeiss: Okay, that shoulder *has* to be dislocated or something
Zeiss: That arm looks pretty good...growing out of his back there...
Delcat: Can I ask why they're buggering about building sex toys when this guy can guess seven-digit numbers on the first try? Gee, I wonder what else that skill could be applied to...
Zeiss: "You can wear my jacket, kid. It's made out of lunchmeat."
Zeiss: ...Advanced Dildology?
Delcat: I'm not sure what level of ukedom involves being used as furniture, but I'm reminded of that fic where Xander made Spike into a juicer.
Zeiss: whut
Delcat: The dildo lottery, my friend! They could win a lifetime supply of dildos!
Delcat: Golden Oldie, man, Golden Oldie. Should look that one up again.

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Delcat: Countdown until the sanity level is set for the rest of the manga: 1...
Zeiss: Do those dongs have cotton balls attached to them?
Delcat: You know how when you were a kid, you daydreamed about getting locked in a toy store or an ice cream factory overnight? Next logical step.
Zeiss: You have very strange daydreams.
Delcat: I think it's some kind of benign fungus. Dildo smut, if you will.
Delcat: Dude, you didn't think about that?
Zeiss: Maybe not dildos when I was that age.
Delcat: "OH NO, I'VE BEEN LOCKED IN THE MALL! I'LL JUST HAVE TO EAT ALL THE FOOD AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES ON THE BIG SCREEN TV ALL NIGHT"
Delcat: "AND WHILE I'M AT IT I'LL BUGGER MYSELF"
Zeiss: pfft at my mall they shut everything down at 11.
Delcat: I can dream, man. I can dream.

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Delcat: Countdown until the sanity level is set for the rest of the manga: ...0. Sanity level set. You may now pineapple ostrich buggery buggery fnup.
Zeiss: Shining flying purple wolfhound, then.
Zeiss: That is a fucking weird way to hold a dong.
Zeiss: DILDOS: THE FRESHMAKER
Delcat: Funny, I always thought the definition of vibrator was "phallic object designed to bring sexual pleasure through vibration". Japan is so mystical \(^o^)/
Zeiss: So if that's supposed to be a perfect mold...is his penis bioluminescent?
Delcat: It's the only way he can hold it with his giant giant hands.
Delcat: Aren't...aren't all men's?
Zeiss: If you're an angler fish.
Delcat: O-oh shit. Is that communicable?
Zeiss: If you don't use protection.
Delcat: I...I have to make some phone calls.
Zeiss: I'll be right here.
Zeiss: Admiring the dongs.

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Delcat: You know, a lot of scanlators don't take the time to translate the sound effects, or if they do, they just put them off to the side instead of replacing the katakana. This shows real love and devotion.
Zeiss: If yaoi is to be believed, girls must love forearms and really hate heads.
Zeiss: Revolution 9 started playing on my comp as soon as this page loaded. Probably a sign.
Delcat: I admit it, Zeiss--my dream man has a hand that can wrap around my head twice and still be able to hold a martini.
Zeiss: An orangutang?
[Zeiss: Or a tentacle of some sort?
Delcat: The Librarian is just such a gentleman.
Delcat: I like how everything but his tie is moving.
Delcat: The tie is held in place by sheer plaidness.
Zeiss: SECRET TWIST: THE TIE IS A DILDO
Delcat: OMFG SPOILERS

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Delcat: So, Zeiss, enlighten a poor virgin: Do men really ejaculate swirling vortexes of pure, untamed erotica?
Zeiss: Only if there's a supermassive black hole at the base of the penis.
Zeiss: There usually isn't.
Delcat: What about Goatse?
Zeiss: That's a void, not a black hole.
Delcat: I'll have to ask my Astronomy teacher about this.
Zeiss: It's like the CLAMP guide to Anal Sex For Couples.
Delcat: You know, I've heard of hotheads and cold heads and hot asses, but never cold asses. How do you even manage that?
Delcat: Do you have to be undead?
Zeiss: Hot ass, cold ass / Get settled in / You can hear my dildo mumble, there's a voice that starts to rumble / Whoo! It's starting to sing...

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Delcat: oh God why did the Bizet Habanera from Carmen just come on my Winamp shuffle I don't even listen to opera
Zeiss: let me just take a second to comprehend this page
Zeiss: IT'S MITTERMYER AND REUENTHAL'S VIBRATOR MYSTERIES
Delcat: IS THIS SEUSSICAL ENOUGH SIR
Zeiss: NO
Zeiss: IT'S ONO-ESQUE
Zeiss: THEY PUT A COCK ON AN ALARM CLOCK FOR GOD'S SAKE
Delcat: One dick/Two dick/Green dick/Blue dick. Steve has an STD.
Zeiss: I have to admit that the six-dick-stick in panel 6 looks interesting, though.
Zeiss: Did Johnny Longtorso just put on a nipple chain out of boredom?
Delcat: It looks cumbersome. You'd need to, like, stack dudes to use it properly.
Delcat: He's testing the merchandise. It's professional!
Zeiss: Okay, the cock cactus was a questionable business idea in the first place.
Zeiss: this page is so odd
Zeiss: ROLL UP
Zeiss: ROLL UP FOR THE VIBRATOR TOUR
Delcat: I think my favorite part is the mystical choir of dicks in the third panel. They're not even part of the manga, they're just ascending to Heaven. Dildo Heaven.
Zeiss: THE MAGICAL VIBRATOR TOUR IS DYING TO TAKE YOU AWAY
Delcat: Okay, Zeiss. The enemy has counterfeited your merchandise. What would YOU do?
Zeiss: That man is being faced with all the dildos he has wronged.
Zeiss: Um...throw it back at them?
Zeiss: I mean really
Zeiss: just dump crates of dicks on their lawns
Delcat: No! This calls for...DRASTIC MEASURES!

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Delcat: Although you were kind of close.
Zeiss: Apparently working at the dildo company grants you the ability to fly.
Delcat: You think that's its biggest fault? You thinkthe dildo's biggest fault is that it could explode inside a man and instantly disembowel him? You think? What, is it a really ugly color or something?
Delcat: You'd think the biohazard sign would be a clue.
Zeiss: Ma'am, this is Dildocorp. This isn't Nam, there are rules.
Delcat: I like that he had a welding mask at the ready.
Zeiss: Judging by the fence, they either stored all those dongs in a cemetary or a Catholic school.
Delcat: Or both.
Delcat: I bet it's in the safety films they make them watch. "In case of blowing shit up with dildo bombs, make sure to wear proper eye protection, or you'll be the one-eyed monster, like Jimmy here!"
Zeiss: Hey, this isn't Dildocorp, it's Halliburton.
Zeiss: This is all some big political allegory.
Zeiss: With dongs.
Delcat: Isn't that what life is all about? A big political allegory with dongs?
Zeiss: He's got half a welding mask at least. Maybe he's just pretending he's Cyclops.
Zeiss: Considering the dildo appears to be radioactive, maybe also making it into a bomb is overkill.
Delcat: On the plus side, the victim probably doesn't mind getting regular prostate exams, so he'll catch it early.

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Zeiss: Another sad case of dong-based terrorism.
Delcat: CSI is going to be even more perplexed at this one than the furry case.
Delcat: "I reassambled the bomb pieces and...well...Grissom, maybe relocating to Japan was a bad idea."
Zeiss: "Well, Lenny, it looks like the vibrator factory was hit."
Zeiss: "Well, my wife's going to be pissed."
Delcat: I'm picturing it raining vibrators, like when factories in cartoons get blown up.
Delcat: HOLY SHIT WAIT A SECOND ARE THOSE WOMEN IN THE BACKGROUND
Zeiss: WHOA
Delcat: I didn't think they existed in this manga!
Zeiss: EVERYTHING I WAS TOLD ABOUT YAOI IS WRONG NOW
Delcat: Wait, maybe they're trannies. We see no proof of vagoos.
Delcat: They are just vagoos in potentia.
Delcat: That's kosher.
Zeiss: Schroedinger's Vag?
Delcat: The trouble is, you can't put a box in a box...
Zeiss: IT'S MY VAG IN A BOX

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Delcat: THE COCK THICKENS
Zeiss: That guy has a duck flipper for a head
Delcat: wak wak
Delcat: The impending realization is so shocking in Panel 3 that all the color drains from his hair, rendering him uke for a split second. Thankfully, his surly eyebrows pull him through.
Zeiss: It would be cool if hair worked like that.
Delcat: It does, in Sueland.
Zeiss: Like, if your hair started flashing when there was danger nearby.
Delcat: Also, is that Astro Boy all grown up on the far left on the TV screen?
Delcat: ...you mean yours doesn't? Oh God that angler fish has ruined me
Zeiss: Yeah. Duck-head guy.
Delcat: Ah, I thought you were talking about how utterly triangular Threesome Dude's face is.
Delcat: Not to spoil the upcoming trysts or anything.
Zeiss: Hey look, more women
Zeiss: with *BREASTS*
Delcat: FALSIES! FALSIES, I SAY!

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Delcat: See? They're way too camp to be real women.
Zeiss: SECRET TWIST: HE *IS* THE DILDO
Zeiss: GOO GOO G'JOOB
Delcat: And now, Johnny Longtorso will do his Angela from Silent Hill 2.
Delcat: So, Zeiss, you've been in college...what, two weeks now? Have you met your fuckbuddy that will eventually betray you yet?
Zeiss: hmmmm...No.
Delcat: ...will you take pictures when you do?
Zeiss: ...Maybe.
Delcat: To document the headshrink effect?
Delcat: FOR SCIENCE.
Zeiss: I don't think that their heads are shrinking so much that their shoulders are violently expanding.
Delcat: See, it's hypotheses like these that need proving!

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Zeiss: LOOSE LIPS SINK DICKS
Delcat: I think you're right, though. Look how their shoulders expand as they get drunker and hornier.
Zeiss: I think we have stumbled onto some bizarre mass unconcious kink.
Delcat: I'll sink a dick in yourloose lips, baby
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: That is a fair and just rebuttal.
Delcat: The one picture of Threesome Dude in the middle there is almost attractive in its relative non-anatomy-fail.
Delcat: I think my standards are being lowered.

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Zeiss: DRAMA
Zeiss: TAKE THAT, WALL
Delcat: It's nice when the project you're snarking includes its own headwalling.
Zeiss: It is, isn't it?
Delcat: And again with the dramatic hair-bleaching. I seriously wish I could do that now.
Delcat: "Could you pass the milk?"
"*dramatic hair bleach* WE'RE OUT OF MILK."
Zeiss: I would make my hair flash red off and on
Zeiss: and make siren noises
Delcat: OHH GAWD, SOMEONE FELL FROM THAT BUILDING??
Zeiss: WHAT HAPPPPPPENED?
Delcat: brb
Zeiss: ok
Delcat: That scene would've been so much better if the building had been shaped like a dong. See? This does have its merits.
Zeiss: MY LOVE FOR YOU IS NOT A FAKE
Zeiss: *jumps off dong*
Zeiss: *falls into pile of explosive dildos*
Delcat: Man, if that ain't the story of my love life...

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Zeiss: So this is where the whole "slash" term comes from
Delcat: Yup. Didn't I tell you that all yaoi is snuff yaoi? Troofax.
Zeiss: That is one loud paper. Did he, like, write it on a slab?
Delcat: It's so common that it's considered polite for gay men to carry letters of resignation ready-made so if they fall in love and have to seppuku, they won't inconvenience their bosses.
Zeiss: Is it in Cueniform or something?
Delcat: It is simply heavy with the weight of his heart.
Delcat: Or...did we already do the Wolfwood joke?
Zeiss: A while ago
Delcat: Dang.
Zeiss: I think it's safe to do it again
Zeiss: go on ahead
Delcat: It is because it is so full of semen, my friend.
Zeiss: *applause*
Delcat: Thank you, thank you.
Delcat: Also he's flying again.
Zeiss: it looks more like HE JUMPED OFF THAT BEEELDING
Delcat: And I like that the dong building has one of those fancy piercings down the underside.
Delcat: WHAT HAPPEEEENED?
Delcat: okay we need to stop that we're enjoying it too much
Zeiss: I think I found a dub job that rivals it:
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: Wait for it...
Delcat: ...*wonders if her sister heard that in the other room*
Delcat: ...*plays it again with the volume turned up in case she didn't*
Zeiss: I like how after he says that he just spends the entire rest of the clip like >_>
Zeiss: Also, this.
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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Zeiss: If I ever get a radio show on campus, I am so using those clips for the bumpers.
Zeiss: Oh, wait, vibrators-
Zeiss:
Zeiss (8:19:58 PM)[/b]: "Toyzy"?


Zeiss (8:20:24 PM)[/b]: It sounds like a Yiddish teddy bear.


Delcat (8:20:50 PM)[/b]: If Yiddish teddy bears have cocks in them, sure.
Zeiss: I FUCKING CALLED IT
Delcat: The good news is you're psychic. The bad news is you're only psychic when it comes to teddy bear porn.
Zeiss: If you go out in the woods today, you're sure of a big suprise...
Delcat: Pedobear's cousins are less popular, but equally proficient in their field of buggery.
Delcat: This really needs some dueling banjos.
Zeiss: Johnny Longtorso's going supernova, wow.
Delcat: When you see why, you may have some digestive tract issues involving certain cement-like products in preformed blocks.

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Zeiss: What in God
Zeiss: is going on
Delcat: The special vibrator of love that is shaped like him! Don't you remember? It was so touching!
Zeiss: GO BEFORE THEY THROW HIM TO THE GROUND AND RAPE HIM
Delcat: Uh, little too late, there.
Zeiss: It looks like the Dong Tower is blasting off into orbit in that one panel
Delcat: Wasn't there a magical sex toy in Celebrian that pointed at her no matter what she did? That was this vibe's great-grandpappy.
Zeiss: Oh god it is
Delcat: It also seems to have a fountain in the urethra. A MASSIVE fountain, given the scale.
Zeiss: So basically Frank Lloyd Wright went crazy is what you're saying
Delcat: Meanwhile, Johnny Longtorso loses half his arm and half his leg in the Great Foreshortening War.
Delcat: All of those nights we jerked our cocks 'til dawn...I never came so long, so long...
Zeiss: Oh are we singing again now
Delcat: Well, it did seem rather obvious.
Delcat: Less obvious is what the LIMP LIMP sound effect applies to. Johnny Longtorso? The dildo? The reader's cock, at this point?

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Zeiss: Looks like they wandered into the end of that "Holes" manga
Delcat: Dangit, scanlators. I take the time to praise you over the sound effects and then you go and make me look like a douche by going "HEY WE DON'T ACTUALLY NEED TO FIT THAT NAME IN THAT TEXT BUBBLE DO WE"
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: I like panel 4. His colleague has literally just been violated repeatedly in every hole with dozens of sex toys by strange bear-creatures, and all his face says is, "Dude. This shit is just not okay, okay?"
Zeiss: One of the teddy bears has as anus for a face.
Zeiss: Did Kurt Vonnegut do the guest art?
Delcat: I'm trying not to notice that. Maybe it's supposed to be like that one dude from Naruto. Not that, uh, I read Naruto or anything.
Zeiss: I like the guy in the last panel: WHY GOOD HEAVENS I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAS TRANSPIRED HERE EITHER
Delcat: Or his face has been gouged out by one of the flying shards of glass that magically manages not to hurt anyone and disappears after it falls.
Delcat: Either that is a random kebab in with the other dildos or they are pranking the test department.
Delcat: "Oh, sure, Steve, that's a new model. C'mon, try it out."
Zeiss: why does that dildo have chives on it
Delcat: Presentation is everything, darling.

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Delcat: This is generally the first anyone sees of Vibrator Company, in one of /y/'s You Laugh You Lose threads.
Delcat: Except everyone loses. And not because we laughed.
Zeiss: I can...see...why.
Zeiss: Jesus God I don't even know what to say here.
Delcat: But in a nice bit of continuity, Duck Foot Head makes another cameo.
Delcat: What, Zeiss, you've never seen a grown man thrown out the window by the comically oversized vibe stuck up his ass before?
Zeiss: Not yet.
Zeiss: But I'm in college now so maybe
Delcat: If you pledge to the right frat, you might even get to be the throwee.
Zeiss: So this is the /y/ equivalent of "NO RAPING IN THE CLASSROOM" then
Delcat: Just about.
Delcat: Also, the dude was fully clothed on the last page. Apparently this model dissolves all fabric when activated.
Zeiss: And the window was just open for some reason.
Delcat: In case someone needed to throw someone out. Or commit suicide. Snuff, remember?

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Delcat: ...and it's never spoken of again. If it weren't such a frequent occurence, I'd call BLAM.
Zeiss: "You and Nitta is in it for fame and fortune. But over my dead body-!"
Zeiss: So what did the rape bears have to do with any of this.
Delcat: How is he...what is he even doing with his hand in Panel 4? It's like the mangaka decided hours after the fact for him to be holding something and just squeezed it in.
Delcat: What rape bears?
Zeiss: The teddybear guys
Zeiss: who raped people
Delcat: ...Zeiss, what are you talking about?
Delcat: Maybe we should stop. This is clearly getting to your brain.
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: THE RAPE BEARS
Zeiss: SURELY YOU CAN SEE THEM TOO
Delcat: ...the uke walks into the company, and is directed to where he needs to go by the modestly clothed receptionist. What...what do YOU see, Zeiss?
Zeiss: DEL
Zeiss: ARE YOU PROJECTING YOUR DESIRES AGAIN
Delcat: SHUT UP MAN
Delcat: I CAN DREAM
Delcat: I CAN DREAM
Zeiss: YOU AND YOUR SICK MODESTLY-CLOTHED RECEPTIONIST FANTASIES

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Delcat: Aaand his pants are gone again. I think maybe the clothes are toys themselves. They're hyperintelligent AI robot clothes that sense sexiness and remove themselves as needed.
Delcat: So Johnny Longtorso walks into a bar
Delcat: And the barkeep says, "Hey, why the long face?"
Zeiss: He still has the cocksaber?
Delcat: And Johnny Longtorso says, "It's a condition, okay"
Delcat: Guess so. I don't wanna know where he put it over the last two pages.
Zeiss: >_>
Zeiss: I hope they didn't put the cocksaber on the market
Delcat: I know all manga understates noses, and yaoi especially, but I usually expect to see...you know, a little line, a shadow, SOMETHING. Not ukes randomly morphing into Muppets because they're slightly less in the foreground than someone else.
Zeiss: Can you imagine the recalls?
Delcat: You think people would live that long?

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Zeiss: why was he underwater
Delcat: ...that thing is clearly 4-5 feet long, given the other pages. And it is halfway inside him. Why does all porn eventually end up in the emergency room?
Delcat: He is in a sea of despair and shame. And jizz.
Zeiss: Oh so it's a metaphorical thing
Delcat: Except for the jizz.
Zeiss: I'm not used to the strange symbolic language of yaoi.
Delcat: Jizz is rarely metaphorical.
Zeiss: That looks less like a cocksaber and more like a cavity search.
Delcat: The two are so much alike.
Delcat: I do find it refreshing that the uke is absolutely shell-shocked over this.
Zeiss: So what happens next
Delcat: He's not even looking at anything in particular, just staring off into space and drooling.
Zeiss: Is there like a giant dildo-bot or something
Delcat: Guess. No, seriously, I want you to guess. Because you are not going to guess.
Zeiss: EDIBLE DILDOS

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Zeiss: brb dying
Delcat: The sad thing is that this is the second time I've seen the "sentient dildo crying over losing its owner" thing done.
Zeiss: ...
Delcat: Which almost makes it its own trope, considering.
Zeiss: Now THAT'S a Tom Waits song in the making
Delcat: Fun fact[/b]: I've actually seen a for reals vibe shaped like a cactus. It was purple and smooth, but still, who honestly wants to stick that in their cooch?
Zeiss: this violence is so apalling that even the dildos are crying
Zeiss: why must you make the little dildos cry
Zeiss: Johnny
Delcat: Note that Johnny Longtorso is such a suave businessman that he manages to retie his tie in time to react between panels 2 and 3.
Zeiss: Isn't one of the whole attractions of sex toys the fact that they *aren't* alive?
Zeiss: I like how the old guys are just staring at them
Delcat: Yeah. When I tried locking my real boyfriend in an airtight drawer after sex, he stopped being my boyfriend.

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Zeiss: You know this is turning out quite Onoesque.
Delcat: It kind of is, isn't it?
Delcat: Some things transcend genre. Insanity is one of those things.
Zeiss: I mean if ANYONE could write a story about a magical sex toy, it'd be Ono
Delcat: I wonder if anyone's written Fleshlight Company to go along with this.
Zeiss: 0_0
Zeiss: I...am not sure if I want to see that
Zeiss: I mean, you can't really make a Fleshlightsaber.
Zeiss: Or can you?
Delcat: Also, dildos are kind of cute and funny, but fleshlights are little Silent Hill abominations in a can.
Zeiss: Especially the mouth ones.
Delcat: OM NOM NOM WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME
Delcat: And then they start weeping.
Zeiss: I do not want those staring at me.
Delcat: Zeiss...Zeiss, call David Lynch, I think we've got something here.
Zeiss: Of course when Fleshlights weep they might just be regurgitating their contents
Delcat: Aaaand moving right along.

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Delcat: Because when you're being raped with dozens of sex toys, you know what makes it feel better? Another sex toy.
Zeiss: I don't know who is who and what is what anymore.
Delcat: And getting your nipples bitten off.
Zeiss: Basically, all problems can be solved by throwing dongs at things
Zeiss: or something
Delcat: Ah, right, you're still a newfag. This is the part in any given yaoi where, after plot-driven sex, they have cool-down sex.
Zeiss: is what I've learned
Delcat: That's right! You should try it at your first college exams.
Zeiss: I'm mostly familiar with het stuff.
Delcat: Just whip it out and mash it around on the paper.
Delcat: They'll understand.
Zeiss: And usually there it's:
Zeiss: Introduction -> blowjob -> vagsex -> orgasm page -> end on a gag panel
Zeiss: Try it with anything, the formula works.
Delcat: Yaoi generally has a bit of plot first. Remind me to show you one of my Cid/Vincent doujinshi by K. Haruka sometime, that is seriously her formula.

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Zeiss: Well het usually has plot too
Zeiss: about a page or so
Delcat: Another yaoi oddity: The saliva-linked tongue kiss. The answer is yes, it is more disgusting than sexy. ...generally. ...K. Haruka makes it look good.
Zeiss: Are their penises melding together?
Delcat: But seriously, do people do this? I've only been kissed four and a half times, so maybe I'm not an authority, but do people seriously spend large portions of kiss time just slapping their tongues together in the open air?
Delcat: They sure are. Censoring is dangerous like that.
Zeiss: I...don't think so.
Zeiss: Maybe they're just having an Ono kiss
Zeiss: where you stick your tongue out and bang your heads together
Delcat: Ah, the Darwin Award kiss. Gotta love it.

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Zeiss: They're gay lovers? NO
Delcat: I like that. I like that the manga is considerate enough to inform us that they are gay lovers as they have gay sex. Good job, manga.
Zeiss: I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST ECCENTRIC
Zeiss: *monocle*
Delcat: I also like that their crazy sex void includes a random office chair.
Delcat: And that Uke Steve apparently has all the mass of a baggie filled with sawdust.
Zeiss: well half a chair at least
Zeiss: it looks more like a fairground hammer.
Delcat: Or the head to a robot.
Zeiss: how many pages do we have left?
Delcat: Just one.
Delcat: Shall we end it?
Zeiss: Bring it on.

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Delcat: AW[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] Isn't it so ROMANTIC?
Zeiss: Now wait a minute, manga.
Delcat: aside from the fact that that shoulder thing is happening again, possibly out of control this time
Delcat: oh God it's going shouldernova
Zeiss: You have a dildo lightsaber and a building shaped like a dong.
Zeiss: YOU DO NOT GET TO BE ROMANTIC.
Zeiss: I mean jeez it's like these people have no imagination.
Delcat: They'll get married in front of the dong building. And they'll have teddy bear ring bearers.
Zeiss: Now that's more like it
Delcat: And the ring will be on a little dildo on a little pillow shaped like balls.
Zeiss: Are you still up for Nippon Heroine tomorrow?
Delcat: But of course.
Delcat: So, how do you feel after having your yaoi cherry popped?
Zeiss: Hmm.
Zeiss: I don't know how to describe it.
Zeiss: Do all you girls like this stuff?
Delcat: Nah. As a matter of fact, I don't think Inky does.
Zeiss: Shoulders, that is?
Delcat: At least, all her pairings are het. I dunno if she's into it separate from fandom.
Zeiss: I'll try not to get dragged off to any skanky frat parties tomorrow.
Delcat: Seriously, dude. The hazing will involve lightsaber dildos. We've all been there.

. . . what did I just read?

Great snark, guys. "Schrodinger's Vag" had me laughing my ass off. But seriously--what? I mean, what?

For those wondering about the JUMPED OFF THE BEEEELDING thing:

SO YEAH
IN-JOKES
about that

Tungsten Monk wrote:

But seriously--what? I mean, what?

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

:snerk:

Johnny Longtorso.

Kudos to both of you. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Wow.

The only I can think to describe this is yaoi crossed with those Hired! shorts that MST3K used to run. Only with dildos.

Hilarious job, you guys- funniest snark in a while. :D

Oh wow. I was having a bad day then read this thread and now I can't stop laughing.

More bad porn I say!

Has anyone seen my ass? I'm afraid I laughed it off.

God, there's some weird stuff in the world. Japan, especially.
Thanks for sharing, guys, that was highly amusing.

Zeiss, Delly, did I ever tell you guys I love you? I don't think I've laughed this hard in some time.

Zeiss: *ready for music now*
Delcat: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: OH THIS THING
Delcat: SCARILY ACCURATE IF YOU ASK ME
Delcat: IN AN INFORMATIONAL MANNER
Zeiss: A DILDO PLANE
Delcat: A DILDO DOG
Zeiss: BUTT-PLUGS
Delcat: A DILDO MUSHROOM
Delcat: A DILDO TENTACLE MONSTER
Delcat: A DILDO KEBAB
Delcat: actually it just kind of gets stuck there
Delcat: for about a hundred lines
Delcat: Are we ready?
Zeiss: Go right ahead
Zeiss: but first
Zeiss: i'm gonna cue some spork music
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: alright now let's go
Delcat: Why thank you, Zeiss.

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Zeiss: WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME TO THE DILDO HOUSE
Delcat: I...I realize I said I'd break you of that shoulder misconception, but I think I'm starting to see your point.
Zeiss: his shoulder line is like twice as wide as his waist
Delcat: And four times the size of his head.
Zeiss: "Can't decide on short sleeves or long? Try both!"
Zeiss: That guy's looking pretty good...growing out of the back of his neck there...
Delcat: I love the "GUESS WHERE THIS IS GOING" expression on the uke.
Zeiss: He is DAMN excited
Delcat: And, randomly, a dog. Guess where THAT is going.
Zeiss: THE KENNEL
Zeiss: PLEASE SAY THE KENNEL
Delcat: IS THAT WHAT THEY'RE CALLING IT THESE DAYS

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Zeiss: So everyone in Japan just calls each other "wanton" during sex
Zeiss: that's the message i get from these things
Delcat: "Wanton" is to yaoi what "lewd" is to hentai--a word that you will never actually hear during sex, but which is used to describe sex anyway.
Zeiss: Ah. Is the "embarassing" ratio the same, though?
Delcat: I, personally, would not know how to be more wanton even if ordered to.
Zeiss: SUBMERGE YOURSELF IN MORE SOUP
Delcat: That falls more under the "No...but yes!" syndrome that all ukes have.
Zeiss: So let's examine the typical yaoi panel
Delcat: They aren't as likely to say "Aaaah, this is embarassing~" as "Aaaah, don't put it there~"
Zeiss: Seme, Uke, Random Guy Jutting His Foot Into The Frame
Zeiss: ah man
Zeiss: that's half the fun
Zeiss: apparently
Delcat: Always "Aaaah~", though. First katakana I learned. That and "Nnnn~".
Zeiss: At least with yaoi, there's no "It's melting my womb!"
Zeiss: ...at least i hope not
Delcat: His asscheeks look like they've been smooshed into a toaster and are just now starting to slide back into place.
Delcat: BUT GUESS WHAT
Delcat: IT'S A TWIST ENDING
Zeiss: OH REALLY

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Delcat: IT'S AAAAALL A DREAM
Zeiss: I'VE HALF FORGETTON WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE
Zeiss: BUT THANKS TO THE MAGIC OF YAOI I BARELY HAVE TO KNOW
Delcat: ZEISS, HOW COULD YOU FORGET JOHNNY LONGTORSO AND...AND HIS PET UKE
Zeiss: They always remind me of these guys
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: there we go
Zeiss: ...dammit, why am i just seeing the subtext in that NOW
Delcat: :D
Delcat: So, you're into weird-ass foreign music. Is "Beep, Oomiya, Oomiya" the new hit song?
Delcat: In...wherever we are?
Zeiss: It sounds like Susumu Hirasawa soundtrack piece
Delcat: I may like this Susumu Hirasawa.
Delcat: Have I mentioned runny noses squick me out? Like, serious unsexiness?
Zeiss: i guess this manga just doesn't like you then
Delcat: OH YEAH BABY
Delcat: MUCUS IS SO FUCKING SEXY
Delcat: JUST LIKE A HONEYMOON
Zeiss: DON'T GIVE THE NIPPON HEROINE GUY ANY MORE IDEAS
Delcat: Don't be silly, man. If they had runny noses, how could they smell all that delicious ass-stink?
Zeiss: But they could also smell the mucus twice as well
Zeiss: Besides, nose hooks.
Zeiss: Accidents happen.
Delcat: True, true.

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Zeiss: FRUIT DILDO
Zeiss: So you're the resident yaoi expert
Delcat: No, Zeiss, fruit anal beads!
Zeiss: What do the flowers mean?
Delcat: Well, flowers can either mean a romantic scene or aside, or that the mangaka got lazy and wanted to fill a panel on the quick.
Delcat: Or there was this one FFVII doujinshi where the censor bars were tulips, but that was another matter.
Zeiss: So they're off to visit Puppetmon
Zeiss: This should go well
Delcat: Protip: "Puppet" no longer means what you think it means
Delcat: And you just ruined another chunk of childhood by association
Zeiss: VENGANZA
Delcat: What is it with you and methodically shooting down everything in my childhood involving cute evolving monsters?
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: DON'T YOU TEACUP SCREENCAP SASS ME, YOUNG MAN

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Zeiss: Longtorso looks goddamn bored
Delcat: No, he's serious and businesslike. Semes aren't allowed to have fun...well, aside from the fun that comes with the title.
Zeiss: ARE SEX TOY PUSHERS OUT TO DESTROY CAPITALISM?
Zeiss: TONIGHT ON GLENN BECK
Zeiss: I just keep imagining him talking in an aggravated monotone
Zeiss: like he's aware he's stuck as the seme
Delcat: VIBRATORS FOR ALL, IN THE SHAPE OF MARX'S HEAD
Zeiss: THE FLUFFIEST VIBRATOR OF ALL
Delcat: Well, look at it from his point of view. Would YOU want that little barnacle hanging off your leg 24/7?
Delcat: All goin' "meeeeeh I want seeeeeex and cuuuuuddles pay attention to meeeeeee Master"
Zeiss: ...is that a vibrator souveinir stand
Zeiss: Oh he's a Romulan
Delcat: I'm honestly confused on this point, actually. They totally erase the line between traditional Japanese toys and dildos.
Delcat: ...assuming there was a line, I'll admit I never asked
Zeiss: ...'Cause he hates the Enterprise.
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: You should have asked how he was a Romulan
Zeiss: it would have made the joke work better
Delcat: (That's the same as the last one?)
Zeiss: 'CAUSE I'M WORTH IT
Delcat: I assumed you were making a ref, man, sorry
Zeiss: DRINK THAT TEA
Delcat: BUT IT'S GONE ALL COLD
Zeiss: DRIIIIIIINK IT
Zeiss: JOSHUA
Delcat: AND I THINK SOMEONE JERKED OFF IN IT

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Delcat: Dildos are serious fucking business
Zeiss: Oh boy a crossdressing plot
Delcat: Those reporters? From DILDO-2.
Delcat: It's a less mainstream channel than DILDO-1. It's not as commercial.
Zeiss: And the Dildenberg Group
Delcat: It's all about heart.
Zeiss: It'd be awesome if this guy turned out to be a crazy conspiracy guy
Zeiss: except all his conspiracies were about dongs
Delcat: Zeiss, wasn't this plot in Anal Justice 1?
Zeiss: ...I don't think so
Delcat: Except they were trying to get the dildo for a little girl in the hospital being circumcized?
Zeiss: I think that happened
Zeiss: but they just crossdressed anyway
Zeiss: and the dildo was also a Gundam
Delcat: So basically if you get a mild cough in Japan, people start throwing sex toys at you.
Zeiss: are you speaking from experience
Delcat: Actually, I did get sick in Japan, and I didn't even get porn out of it.
Zeiss: ...I hope she was being male circumsized, now i reread that
Delcat: Like I said, two parallel Japan dimensions. Gotta be.

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Delcat: ...A-Astro Boy?
Zeiss: It's playing out like a really shitty Ozu film
Zeiss: more like Heihachi from Tekken
Zeiss: ...I think he's from Tekken
Delcat: Or that gorram duck guy from the first chapter.
Zeiss: Can't be. He's missing a tuft.
Delcat: Male pattern baldness is more extreme in Mangaland, dude. Don't make fun of his condition.
Delcat: I think that's my new pick-up line
Delcat: I go up and yell "I'VE BEEN A VETERINARIAN FOR SIXTY YEARS"
Delcat: Then grope the shit out of the dude
Zeiss: Male pattern baldness? More like male pattern DONGNESS
Zeiss: argh this manga is frying my brain
Delcat: Fair's fair, then, I've still got the PTDD.
Zeiss: I noticed.
Zeiss: How are those crazy vampire dickgirl dreams going?
Delcat: You might be picking up a case of acute donganary irritation. Nothing to worry about.
Zeiss: Ow my Dongular Gland hurts
Delcat: ...you know come to think of it it did actually involve dickgirls WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: I'LL TEABAG YOU
Zeiss: I SHALL NOT BE BAGGED BY ANY SORT
Delcat: ...ONLY I WON'T BECAUSE I'M NOT A DICKGIRL

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Zeiss: So the puppets make you turn into Batou from Ghost In The Shell.
Zeiss: Makes sense.
Delcat: Man, I am never gonna look at those dolls the same way again, and they're a staple in the Katamari Damacy games D:
Zeiss: Dong dong-dong-dong-dong-dong dong-dong-dong Vibrator Company~
Delcat: The art hasn't been too bad so far, but it's starting to lose its shit again. Look at the last panel. Threesome Dude is hovering three inches above and slightly to the left of the bed, which the good doctor is coincidentally growing out of.
Zeiss: It looks like he's half-under the bed
Zeiss: Does Threesome Dude have anything not in leopard-print?
Delcat: Which means he's broken in half. Awesome.
Delcat: I understand he made a hat from a turtle which looked at him funny
Zeiss: It's because the hairs on his leg are very long duh
Delcat: He's also totally flat. I mean, a Ken doll has a bigger bulge than he does. Maybe he really IS a woman.
Zeiss: COLLECT 'EM ALL

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Delcat: WHERE DID THAT COME FROM I JUST COVERED HIS FLATNESS
Zeiss: SCIENCE HAS FAILED US
Zeiss: Komedy!
Delcat: If this was a Phoenix Wright doujin, I would be making a "heat-seeking Missile" joke right now, and also shooting myself in the face.
Zeiss: what the hell is going on in panel 6
Zeiss: in fact what is going on with this whole dog-sex joke anyway
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: He is reverting to his Ken doll form. See how his legs are attached to his body along an awkward joint?
Zeiss: His thong has also changed from leopard to giraffe-print
Zeiss: why am i noticing this
Delcat: It's a defense mechanism. Dongshunds are mortally afraid of giraffes.
Delcat: They all have their place in the Dong Web...the dongs, and those that eat the dongs.
Zeiss: IT'S THE CIIIIIIIIIRCLE OF COCK
Delcat: More of a 69 shape, really.

Quote :

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Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: Threesome Dude is seriously reconsidering his whole life right now
Delcat: That is a "How did I get to where I am right now" face
Zeiss: They also stole his sternum by the looks of it.
Zeiss: Also, his penis is completely transparent.
Delcat: Oh, honey, that is so cute! You've really never seen an invisicock before?
Zeiss: I've heard of them
Delcat: ...okay no one's SEEN an invisicock before
Zeiss: I always thought
Zeiss: that they'd either be glowy or invisible
Zeiss: not both
Delcat: Nope, that's actually standard. Welcome to the best that girls get in the world of Japanese porn. You catered-to male bastard.
Zeiss: Hey, we still get bizaare censorship too
Zeiss: and we're more visually oriented than you folk
Delcat: I really don't get what they're going for here. If they wanted to do a bestiality scene, you'd think they'd make it a realistic dog.
Zeiss: Like I said, KOMEDY
Delcat: Fuck that, man, I want to see cocks!
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: I WANT TO BE TITILLATED
Zeiss: HANG ON DEL
Zeiss: THE CROSSDRESSING PLOT IS OVER
Zeiss: THERE IS HOPE
Delcat: COOOOOOOOOOOOCKS

Quote :

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Zeiss: DON'T GO ALL PTDD ON ME
Delcat: fadkds;'kl;.
Delcat: okay
Delcat: I'm okay.
Zeiss: did he just grow a mustache in the meantime?
Delcat: Who, the old dude?
Zeiss: did he always have that
Zeiss: are you kidding me
Zeiss: I think I might be suffering from a different strain of PTDD now
Delcat: He had it, man. Seriously. You're...unseeing things. Maybe you should lie down.
Zeiss: SO THAT A DOG CAN LICK MY WEDDING VEGETABLES
Zeiss: IS THAT YOUR PLAN
Delcat: DARN YOU'RE TOO SMART FOR ME
Zeiss: YOU WON'T FOOL ME THIS TIME
Delcat: HEY ZEISS THAT DOG HAS CANDY AND WILL GIVE IT TO YOU IF YOU SMEAR YOUR LOVE TACKLE WITH PEANUT BUTTER
Zeiss: NUH UH
Delcat: IT'S REALLY GOOOOOOOD CANDY
Zeiss: NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Delcat: HE HAS AERO BARS
Zeiss: YOU'VE COATED THE CANDY IN PTDD GERMS
Zeiss: I KNOW IT
Delcat: DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THOSE ARE TO FIND THESE DAYS
Zeiss: I saw them around here once
Zeiss: those are the ones with the air pockets, right?
Delcat: Yup. Delicious and bubblyyyy
Zeiss: next page?
Delcat: Sorry, got briefly distracted
Delcat: May have been thinking about chocolate
Delcat: CURSE THESE BACKFIRING PLANS

Quote :

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Zeiss: Chocolate and dildoes probably wouldn't mix, though
Delcat: See? Total barnacle.
Zeiss: HE LEARNED TOO LATE THAT DONGS ARE A FEELING CREATURE
Delcat: CONTAGIOUS barnacle. It's spread to Threesome Dude now.
Delcat: When you retire from being a seme, they don't give you a gold watch, they give you a gorram crowbar
Zeiss: I can't think of a good "Master Of Puppets" joke here
Zeiss: Del help me out
Zeiss: EXCITING KNEELING ACTION
Delcat: You can have your choice
Zeiss: God, he's just fluttering in the breeze there
Delcat: A) "Please, Master, make me a real boy...no, a real MAN!"
B) "Well, if you lied, it would grow longer..."
C) "Only if you let me yank your strings."
Zeiss: And I think his asscheeks are painted on
Zeiss: I'll go with C)
Zeiss: MASTER OF PUPPETS IS HOARDING HIS DOINGS
Zeiss: *DONGS
Delcat: This is reminding me of that scene from Trigun where Vash strips naked and barks like a dog to keep thieves from tearing up a town
Delcat: And that one scene is hotter than THIS ENTIRE MANGA
Zeiss: WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST MAKE A REVERSE FREUDIAN SLIP
Delcat: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE MADE INNUENDO HISTORY
Zeiss: DEL HELP ME
Delcat: HAHAHA, YOU NOW FEEL MY PAIN
Zeiss: MY SENSE OF SEXUALITY IS IMPLODING
Zeiss: WHAT IS GOING ON

Quote :

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Zeiss: oh for god's sakes
Delcat: THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO PROVE ANYTHING, ZEISS, AND THAT IS WITH YOUR ASSHOLE
Zeiss: HIS ASSHOLE IS THE RAREST AND MOST WONDERFUL
Delcat: ...that just came out all kinds of wrong even in-context
Zeiss: SO DEL
Zeiss: A GROUP OF YAOI CHARACTERS SHOW UP ON YOUR LAWN, STRIP, AND SHOVE YOUR LOGS UP THEIR ASSES
Zeiss: WHAT DO YOU DO
Delcat: ...CALL THE POLICE?
Delcat: And ask for an ambulance too
Delcat: And a janitor
Delcat: To mop up the blood
Delcat: Splinters floating on a sea of blood
Zeiss: Honestly I think everyone in this manga is just very high
Zeiss: It's like a yaoi stoner comedy
Zeiss: a bunch of guys get baked and travel the country looking for totally cash sex toys
Delcat: What the hell kind of weed makes you want to rip your asshole into quadrants?
Zeiss: "The GOOD stuff, man"
Delcat: and then you die

(Continued)

Per Del's request, here's the next part.

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Zeiss: REEFER MADNESS 2009
Delcat: Two words that should never, ever be present in any kind of porn ever: "Child's head"
Zeiss: so are you titillated now
Zeiss: Del...
Zeiss: are you schlicking again
Delcat: See, when I was talking about that, I meant by GOOD manga. I wanna see what Vincent has under his eight dozen zippers, not...whatever this is.
Delcat: I CAN'T HELP IT MAN I CAN'T GET NAKED VASH OUT OF MY HEAD NOW
Zeiss: IS THIS YOUR COPING MECHANISM
Delcat: HE'S SO SWEET AND NOBLE AND ATTRACTIVELY SCARRED
Zeiss: God, it's like they stole from Ono's drool reserves.
Delcat: oh God Zeiss I'm picturing these VATS now
Delcat: If you wanted me to stop schlicking you just could have ASKED
Delcat: now my clitoris is on strike
Delcat: there's a picket line stretching all the way down to my taint
Zeiss:
Delcat: "UNFAIR CONDITIONS"
Delcat: "WE NEED HAZARD PAY FOR ONO MANGA"
Delcat: THERE'S A GORRAM INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION TAKING OVER MY CUNT AND YOU ARE TO BLAME
Zeiss: Now I'm imagining some sort of Steampunk Ono comic
Zeiss: EVERYONE HAS MONOCLES
Delcat: That just ends in coal-powered dicks and third degree burns, man.

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Zeiss: honestly
Delcat: "OH MY GOD IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION HIS INTESTINES JUST CAME OUT HIS MOUTH I AM GOING TO BE SICK"
Zeiss: out of context, this page is the greatest thing ever
Delcat: It's actually not even the greatest out-of-context page this manga has to offer, if you can believe that.
Zeiss: It's like he's launching him into orbit
Zeiss: Ooh, goody.
Delcat: I just...have you ever seen those guro pictures people do of fairies being split open by human dicks? That's all I can think of.
Zeiss: LOOK, HIS ASS IS BURNING RED
Zeiss: okay delly i know you want revenge but
Delcat: At least a sex toy can't spurt out their mouths, that's usually the end result of those pics
Zeiss: thank heaven for small favors
Delcat: ...am I revealing disturbing things about the places I hang out for the sake of snark?
Zeiss: indubitably.
Delcat: gotta watch myself there
Delcat: see also: girls being turned into cakes

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Zeiss: HOT WOBBLING ACTION
Delcat: I...you know that thing where the samurais clash and nothing happens for a second, then one guy falls apart at the waist? That just happened, but with his entire intestinal tract.
Zeiss: okay i'm going to make a cheap reference joke but it might ruin your childhood so i'm warning you ahead of time
Delcat: Bracing self duly, thank you
Zeiss: TAKE A GLANCE, IT'S IN YOUR PANTS, IT'S DILDO RAINBOW~
Zeiss: DILDO RAINBOW~
Zeiss: okay del it's safe now
Delcat: urgh caught a glancing blow

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Zeiss: So putting oversized things in your ass results in fever
Zeiss: makes perfect sense
Delcat: "His large hands...they're...really disproportionately huge, he could crush my head like a grape...who the hell is drawing this..."
Zeiss: THE SPINDLE HANDS STRIKE AGAIN
Delcat: Didn't you know? In Japan, everything results in a fever, and fevers are always dire.
Zeiss: And can be cured with tears.
Delcat: seriously that's kind of a shonen manga trope
Delcat: Fruits Basket was terrible for it, IIRC
Zeiss: and shonen manga attracts yaoi fanbrats liek whoa
Zeiss: so yeah
Delcat: It's not that bad when done properly--everyone likes a good bit of H/C--but yeaaah, overdone like whoa.
Zeiss: ...this manga's getting boring all of a sudden
Zeiss: please tell me the wtf picks up soon
Delcat: Anyway, the fever is actually because he's rejecting about half of the donor organs they transplanted to replace his ravaged abdominal cavity.
Delcat: Oh, Zeiss...Zeiss, you had to go and ask.
Zeiss: I know there is, i just have to ask.

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Delcat: baaaarnacleeee
Zeiss: Take Me To Okazaki!
Delcat: Yet another yaoi lesson: Ukes love whining about how useless they are. Because...it's sexy?
Zeiss: unf unf unf
Delcat: I like to think that SHUT is actually the sound his eyes make when he blinks.
Zeiss: like they're lined with lead
Zeiss: now i'm imagining it as one long rusty creak
Zeiss: someone lube those things

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Delcat: Either that is some cheap-ass eyeliner he has on or he is bleeding from the eyes.
Zeiss: Cause his eyes are metal
Zeiss: we've been over this
Zeiss: *eyelids
Zeiss: SECRET DILDO TRAINING
Delcat: I don't know why he doesn't sell his stuff. Old man-shaped dildos that come in convenient necklace form? It's what every tourist craves!
Zeiss: 'CAUSE HE'S TOO GOOD FOR THE SYSTEM MAN
Zeiss: HE LIKED DONGS BEFORE THEY WERE COOL
Delcat: But he WILL trade them for weed
Zeiss: He'll trade ANYTHING for weed
Zeiss: and lube
Delcat: I think that's a waterfall of lube. A luberfall. ...at least, I hope.

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Zeiss: paul bunyan: the SEXY version
Delcat: "What...what the hell have I done with my life? I'm...I'm going to make a change! I'M GOING TO MAKE FURNITURE FOR IKEA!"
Delcat: ...I bought a dildo from Ikea once
Zeiss: do tell
Zeiss: how did the assembling go
Delcat: Took four hours to figure out the instructions, and by then I had lost half the pieces
Delcat: Then the whole thing fell apart the first time I tried to use it
Delcat: The EMTs were very understanding
Zeiss: And that's why you shouldn't buy phallic objects from Swedes.
Delcat: That is a moral I can't argue with, friend.
Delcat: So have you figured out what he's doing?
Zeiss: I have a vague idea.

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Zeiss: OH OW OW OW
Delcat: Zeiss, did you hear that? ...was that your ass slamming shut like a steel trap?
Zeiss: SPLINTER CITY
Zeiss: NOW I KNOW HOW YOUR NETHER REGIONS FELT AFTER THE VAT JOKE
Delcat: your ass all screaming and screaming and screaming 'til it can't scream no more
Delcat: and your dick patting it sympathetically
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: and your scrotum kind of indifferent but still muttering "dude, that's fucked, that's just fucked"
Zeiss: okay del now you're just projecting
Delcat: You wouldn't let me project sanity onto this thing, you could at least let me project my own kind of madness.
Delcat: Recovered a bit? Feeling better?
Zeiss: a bit

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Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: CAP BATTLE
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: NO FAIR YOURS ARE ALREADY ALL LOADED
Zeiss: YOU START A CAP BATTLE AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO FOLLOW THROUGH?
Zeiss: SHAME ON YOU
Zeiss: SHAME
Delcat: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: YOU HAVE AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE IS ALL
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: CRY MOAR
Delcat: LIKE THIS?? [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: i see we haven't forgotten the spirit dildo b-plot, at the least
Delcat: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: you set up the spirit dildo, you use the spirit dildo
Delcat: those things don't come cheap
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: yeah okay you just won

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Zeiss:
Delcat: DON'T MAKE ME SHAKE MY FIST AT YOU
Zeiss: MY ANUS IS BLEEDING
Delcat: YAAAAAY!
Zeiss: MY ANUS IS BLEEDING
Delcat: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Zeiss: seriously, HIS ANUS IS BLEEDING
Zeiss: GO THE DAMN HOSPITAL DUDE
Delcat: Just an F-Y-I-: I KNEW we were going to make that ref the second I read this page however long ago
Zeiss: YOUR RECTUM HAS MORE SPLINTERS IN IT THAN PINNOCHIO'S FLESHLIGHT
Zeiss: it was a given
Delcat: Just, like, pouring blood 24/7. It's gotten to the point that sharks are trying to evolve just to get at this dude.
Delcat: So is he just shitting toothpicks at this point or what
Zeiss: I think we missed an oppurtunity for the Lumberjack Song somewhere down the road
Delcat: I think that's for the best, really.
Delcat: Wanna make a beaver shot before we go on?
Zeiss: alright
Zeiss: where'd that beaver go
Delcat: This is wearing on you, isn't it, Zeiss.
Zeiss: a bit
Zeiss: i'm blinded by dongs
Delcat: That's why you either swallow or divert it onto your chest.
Zeiss: oh cheap shot

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Zeiss: aww it's getting normal again
Delcat: You get "WITH THIS BODY" a fair bit in bad yaoi, too. I'm not even sure what it's supposed to mean.
Zeiss: please tell me the next page has like cock lobsters or something
Delcat: IT CAN'T ALL BE A WONDERLAND OF SQUICK, MAN
Zeiss: GODDAMN IT CALL THE NIPPON HEROINE GUY
Delcat: Well...the art starts getting faily, does that count?
Zeiss: TELL HIM WE NEED SOME PUNCH-UP
Delcat: DON'T SAY PUNCH-UP, FISTING WILL HAPPEN
Delcat: oh man
Delcat: I just thought of something
Zeiss: yes?
Delcat: Have you ever come in after, like, working in the garden or something, all scratched up, and taken a hot bath?
Delcat: You know how it feels when the water hits those scratches?
Zeiss: ow?
Delcat: Now picture it IN YOUR ASS.
Zeiss: D+
Zeiss: D=
Zeiss: THERE IS NO CAP FOR THAT
Delcat: I think the first one was actually more accurate.
Delcat: And all those minerals and shit in the onsen, oh God it is gonna sting like a MILLION BEE BULLETS
Delcat: SO ROMANTIC
Delcat: See, Zeiss? You just have to make your OWN entertainment through LOGIC.
Zeiss: THESE YAOI PEOPLE NEED TO DO SOME DAMN FIELD RESEARCH
Delcat: I BELIEVE THAT IS ILLEGAL DESPITE WHAT ARIAKE TRIED TO TEACH US
Zeiss: C'MON THEY COULD HAVE JUST ASKED, LIKE, A SCIENTIST OR A DOCTOR OR SOMETHING

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Delcat: Is...is a Pixie Stick shooting out of his nose?
Zeiss: it kinda looked like a kazoo on first glance
Zeiss: c'mon...get more weird
Delcat: His head is shrinking again. Is that a harbinger of weirdness or sex? I can't remember.
Zeiss: Shoulders growing=sex, I know that
Delcat: (dead link)
Zeiss: you might want to reup that
Delcat: Aw, hell, seriously? I can't even tell what's going on in that one! There's licking, but it's in a weird pseudo-dimension of lens flares and drool!
Zeiss: really now
Delcat: Hang on, re-upping.

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Delcat: See? In hentai, we'd be able to understand what's going on. In yaoi, we get vague blobby shapes spurting ink blots.
Zeiss: COME ON GET TO THE DAMN PORCUPINE WITH CLIT TICKLERS FOR QUILLS OR WHATEVER
Zeiss: GODDAMMIT DON'T GET NORMAL ON ME
Delcat: The WORD BALLOON looks the EXACT SAME as what's supposed to be a penis or a nipple or WHATEVER
Zeiss: What -is- that, anyway?
Delcat: I DON'T KNOW
Delcat: BECAUSE IT'S YAOI
Zeiss: There's something that looks vaguely like pubic hair, but it only makes it more confusing
Zeiss: it looks like a mollusk
Delcat: Probably one of those frozen oranges. Yaoi is hungry work.
Zeiss: frozen oranges don't *DRIP*
Delcat: They do if they're melting, duh.
Delcat: Oh, and Zeiss?
Zeiss: yep
Delcat: ...don't give Harley any ideas.
Zeiss: oh no what have i done
Zeiss: wait wait i didn't talk about transformers, it should be safe

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Delcat: And then the art exploded.
Zeiss: AGAIN with the amorphous shapes
Zeiss: THAT MAN HAS NO SCROTUM
Delcat: Yaoi standard, man, yaoi standard. Although this is kind of ambiguous even for standard.
Zeiss: It's just an oddly-shaped abcess in his pubical region
Delcat: Dude, balls are even rarer than dicks in yaoi. You may get dick outlines sometimes, but balls? Only one alternating Tuesdays under a full moon.
Zeiss: well i guess there's not much demand for balls
Zeiss: outside of Ono
Delcat: Johnny's mouth has divided into, like, three openings in Panel 2. Because cleft palates are sooooo sexy.
Zeiss: oh my god it has
Zeiss: it reminds me of those facial crossectional diagrams i get in linguistics class
Delcat: ONLY SEXY??
Zeiss: Meanwhile, Barnacle's cheek went missing
Delcat: The better to blow you with, my dear.
Zeiss: no probably not
Zeiss: 'cause then there's nothing but teeth
Delcat: At least the upside to invisidicks is they're remarkably easy to talk through.
Delcat: Aaaand with that horrifying mental image, we move on.
Zeiss: and they're useful for stealth purposes

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Delcat: Wow, they de-69ed pretty fuckin' fast there.
Zeiss: MWOP MWOP MWOPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Zeiss: oh great they brought the dog too
Delcat: Why does the uke care if he saw them? EVERYONE GOT PUBLICLY RAPED IN THE LAST CHAPTER.
Zeiss: THAT DAMN DOG
Zeiss: All he knows is "ball", and "good"...
Zeiss: ...and RAPE
Delcat: Which, oddly, is a combination of "ball" and "good".


Next time: The conclusion of the magical onsen puppet love adventure! Will Johnny Longtorso achieve his dream, or finally bleed out? Stay tuned!

Oh god. This is the best snark I've read in a while. <3 :roflmao: <3

Ah, Del, I'd forgotten how brilliant you are. And you have a worthy apprentice in Zeiss. I haven't laughed this hard in months.

Sorry, I have a worthy apprentice in Zeiss? Wut.

Everybody here loves you Delly. <3

I'm fine with that, even though I don't particularly understand why. I just object to the idea that Zeiss is supposed to be my padawan or something. Inky and Zeiss and I are equals.

Delcat wrote:

Sorry, I have a worthy apprentice in Zeiss? Wut.

Give me a break, my birthday was Monday.

What I mean is that you and Zeiss's snarks are so good, it's like you're long-time joint snarkers. You compliment each other perfectly.

Oh god this snark is great.

The old man is the creepiest person in here. I mean, WTF? He spends his entire life making sex toys out of wood while he lives with no one else but his dog that's been trained to rape people?

Delcat: We left off...where was it, page...65.
Zeiss: So, could you give a recap? I remember a guy sticking a tree up his ass, but everything after that is a blur
Delcat: This is actually a pretty good recap page, surprisingly.

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Zeiss: Oh cool, puppets! I always loved Cookie Monster when I was a THAT'S NOT A PUPPET AT ALL
Delcat: Call me nutty, but to me, the ideal sex toy is one that DOESN'T rip my arse to shreds during rough sex.
Zeiss: Dude, the seniors and me would get drunk in the woods and make dildoes every weekend back in the day.
Zeiss: Good times.
Delcat: Seriously, you get a standard shape to sex toys because they work. They're shaped the way the body is. This is just like adding bunches of spoilers and racing stripes to a perfectly good car--it may look pretty, but it isn't gonna make it any better.
Zeiss: I've seen vibrators shaped like dolphins before. Are you telling me vaginas are shaped like dolphins?
Delcat: Hey, I didn't say people didn't do it in real life. You know how I feel about those fucking animal vibrators.
Zeiss: No, not dolphin penises, actual dolphins.
Zeiss: With the tail fins repurposed and everything.
Delcat: I know. They think it's ~CUTE~ because God forbid a woman want a sex toy that wasn't ~CUTE~.
Delcat: The dolphin penis vibrators are another matter entirely and one that I hope this series does not bring up.
Zeiss: Just as long as the dog doesn't get involved.
Delcat: On the other hand, I do wish I worked in a company that sent booze when you missed your deadline.
Zeiss: Greatest company ever.
Zeiss: "Fuck it, just get drunk and carve stuff."
Delcat: "AGH MY FINGERS! ...AND ALSO MY PENIS!"

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Zeiss: Clearly, I have underestimated Japan's faith in dongs.
Delcat: I swear those age spots are migrating
Delcat: like wossname's mole in Robin Hood: Prince of Tights
Delcat: That's what Shinto is based on, Zeiss. Dongs. Didn't you know that?
Zeiss: Maybe they're just giant lice.
Delcat: Wait, no, what religion am I thinking of...Scientology, that's it!
Zeiss: More like DONGology, ifyouknowwhatimean
Delcat: ughhhhh. Giant dong lice crawling around the old dude's head all "scuse me comin' through got blood to suck"
Delcat: EXCEPT IT'S NOT BLOOD THEY'RE SUCKING
Zeiss: Then what the hell are they doing on the guy's head?
Delcat: HIS HEAD IS A DONG
Delcat: IT'S A SURPRISE ENDING
Zeiss: SUSPENSO
Delcat: You know, like that Goosebumps book where it turned out the kid was actually a dong.

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Zeiss: Now that's just impractical. Back in my day, the biggest dildo you could get was seven inches and we were just fine with it.
Delcat: In Soviet Japan, you fit inside dildo!
Zeiss: *NO GIRLS ALLOWED
Delcat: B-but that's not fair! Waaaah!
Zeiss: SORRY DEL, YOU CAN'T JOIN THE HE-MAN DILDO-LOVERS CLUB
Zeiss: ON ACCOUNT OF YOU'RE A WOMAN
Delcat: I'm gonna go open my own dong altar, and it's gonna be the best dong altar ever, not like your cummy ol' dong altar!
Delcat: I almost corrected that typo, then realized it was accurate.
Zeiss: Holy shit, that was the best Freudian slip I've ever seen.
Delcat: Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week.
Delcat: hey Zeiss
Zeiss: what Delly what
Delcat: wanna guess what the succession of each generation involves?
Zeiss: NICOLAS CAGE IN: THE WICKER COCK
Zeiss: KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YER GODDAMN LUBRICANT
Delcat: HOW'D IT GET FUCKED
Zeiss: Now I'm imagining Barnacle in a giant cock costume, running up to the old guy and punching him.
Zeiss: Say, that does look like a PHALLIC SYMBOL PHALLIC SYMBOL
Delcat: AND IT COMES FULL CIRCLE
Delcat: I mean
Delcat: CUMS FULL CIRCLE-JERK
Zeiss: okay I'm putting a moratorium on the Wicker Man jokes in case it gets out of hand
Delcat: That is fair and just.
Delcat: ...except for all these BEEEEEEEEEEEEEES
Delcat: okay okay sorry done
Zeiss: NOT THE BEES
Zeiss: goddamn it i'm violating my own moratorium
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Zeiss: found it
Delcat: *golf clap*
Zeiss: That was the only logical way for the joke to end, really.

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Delcat: there is so much wrong with this page, but all I can think is "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NOT A SINGLE SCRATCH IT IS COVERED IN SCRATCHES WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TRANSLATORS"
Zeiss: ASSES DO NOT POLISH THINGS
Zeiss: THEY ARE NOT BUFFERS
Delcat: Nonsense, Zeiss. Didn't you know you had a pair of pneumatic sanders up there?
Zeiss: Not that I know of.
Delcat: Thats what dogs are doing when they scooch around on their asses, is polishing the floor.
Zeiss: Dude, I'm thinking this statue vs. Zardoz would be the battle of the century.
Delcat: I'm pictuing what it would've been like if these guys had lived on Easter Island. The explorers set foot on shore, the first people there after the lost civilization died out, and they find...cocks. Hundreds and hundreds of giant, inexplicable cocks.
Delcat: Actually, you know what? If they ever invent a time machine, I am going to go back and do that just to fuck with people.
Zeiss: Or maybe they'd just make one big Cock pyramid, like the Mayas.
Zeiss: Every summer solstice, the snake climbs down the dong.
Delcat: ...which, really, is probably the case with the Moai anyway. "Hey, you know what would be great? I mean seriously great?..."

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Zeiss: What the hell is going on here
Zeiss: seriously
Delcat: I will attempt a rundown
Zeiss: Please do.
Delcat: Panel 1: That migrating flock of action lines stages an attack on Astro Boy's face, sensing weakness
Delcat: Panel 2: Shocked by this, Johnny Longtorso and the uke drift in a featureless white void, possibly representing Hell
Delcat: Panel 3: The action lines eat Astro Boy's clothes, and are joined by a rogue katakana and its action-bubble mate. Meanwhile, Astro Boy's cock is revealed to be wood, and in fact the sex toys are his brethren, much like the Pillsbury Doughboy and his delicious treats
Delcat: Panel 4: The action lines, drunk with power and delicious clothes, shove a vague rectangle into Johnny Longtorso's ass, which has been pulled up over his shoulder by the shock
Delcat: Does that help?
Zeiss: That was beautiful, Delly.
Delcat: Until you realize that I do this for srs with my doujinshi. "And here, Cid is choking Vincent because...because he does not know how the Heimlich manuever works. yeah, sure, that's it."
Zeiss: Gimme the next page, and I'll see if I can try it.

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Zeiss: Panel 1: Barnacle declares a pre-emptive strike on a pair of dentures he believes to be malevolent; such is his brutality that the artist himself spills ink on the page in shock.
Zeiss: Panel 2: Someone tries to restrain Barnacle after the dentures summon a vengeful pack of action lines in response, as Okazaki develops a sudden case of hydrocephalitis and a Cambrian sea worm floats nonchalantly by.
Zeiss: Panel 3: The action lines invade Barnacle's brain and give him terrible visions of sodomy and pushing.
Zeiss: Panels 4/5: A GOOD MASTURBATION WILL MAKE YOU LOOK FORWARD TO TOMORROW
Delcat: Wonderful, Zeiss! Truly I have taught you well.
Zeiss: ...you're not going to declare me your successor, right? 'Cause I don't want anyone messing around with my floor buffer.
Delcat: In Japan, "Don't look at me!" translates to "Stare at me and jack off in my general direction!"
Delcat: Are you saying those male prostitutes I hired are going to go to waste again?
Zeiss: Linguists have actually determined that Japanese belongs to the Jackoffian language group.
Zeiss: Well tell them to make a sandwich or something.
Delcat: You're killin' me, Zeiss.

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Zeiss: Better I kill you than you MESS UP MY FLOOR BUFFER
Delcat: YOUR FLOOR BUFFER SO WANTS IT
Zeiss: IT DOES NOT REQUIRE ANY MORE WAXING COMPOUND THANK YOU
Delcat: Dang, they have EFFICIENT floor buffers. Look at those things. It's like they have gorram rock tumblers in their asses.
Zeiss: DON'T COMPOUND ME is what I'm saying
Zeiss: It looks like they're made out of obsidian. Classy.
Delcat: Also, girls have pencil sharpeners in their yoo-hoos, and that's why you can't have sex until you get married, 'cause only the priest knows how to turn it off.
Delcat: And when you touch your little mop, the saints cry.
Zeiss: Okazaki just looks like he desperately wants to leave. "Yeah, sure, I'm sure there's someone else who wants to succeed you in your...field...well, gotta go."
Zeiss: So are yeast infections what happens when you don't empty the shavings after a while?
Delcat: He's going to go have a rape shower. Y'know, once Vincent is done in there. Always with the rape showers, that crazy Vincent Valentine.
Delcat: Or when some fucker tries a crayon. I have lost more pencil sharpeners that way...
Zeiss: Del, I think you're looking at the wrong porn...
Zeiss: ...don't tell me you're schlicking again...
Delcat: unf unf Screaming Green and Razzmatazz are so doing it yeah
Delcat: that Purple Mountains Majesty is such a whore
Zeiss: Weren't you just talking about being mad about broken pencil sharpeners?
Delcat: I KNOW IT'S WRONG BUT I CAN'T HELP HOW I AM
Zeiss: Honestly Del get with a real color like Cerulean or something.
Zeiss: Purple Mountains Majesty is what middle-age housewives use when they want to think Edward is giving them a complimentary tour of the Crayola plant.
Delcat: You're just trying to hide the fact that you're still desperately in love with Macaroni and Cheese!
Zeiss: Are you trying to get between Sea Green and I? 'Cause it's not happening.
Delcat: Bitch XP

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Zeiss: Girl, seriously, stick to Roseart or something.
Delcat: Come on, Zeiss, seriously. Roseart is the STD of the crayon world.
Delcat: You ever sharpen one? It's all clear wax. Naaaasty D:
Zeiss: *Plays Final Fantasy level-up music*
Delcat: Crayola is color all the way...all the way through...oh gaaaaawd UNF
Zeiss: I was going to make a comeback involving some other brand of crayons but I realized I don't know any
Delcat: gosh, neither do I
Delcat: we're just pointedly ignoring the manga at this point
Delcat: Fuck you, Vibrator Company
Delcat: Fuck you and your action lines and your giant dongs and your ball-seeking dogs
Zeiss: We'll stick to our Extended Metaphor involving crayons, thank you.
Zeiss: ...Del, calm down, it's not like it's Femboy School or anything.
Delcat: Oh, I'm cool. Sorry, did I not mention that Fuck You Friday comes early this week? Daylight Savings, y'know.

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Zeiss: Goddamn it, manga, we try to be nice to you and then you get all normal and stuff.
Delcat: Haha, it's funny because he's totally alone and has no way to get home and will probably be raped. By a dog.
Zeiss: Meanwhile, That Other Guy can only respond by undergoing parthenogenesis.
Delcat: "My, Grandma, you have two heads!" "The better to suck cock with, my dear!"
Delcat: Sorry, that twisted fairytale webcomic Atramentua recc'd on the antidote thread is getting to me
Delcat: Why is "some kind of shit" floating around Barnacle's head? Is it in orbit? Does the translator just not care?

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Delcat: gonna just shove my tongue down your throat here, don't mind me
Zeiss: RETURN OF THE INVISICOCK
Zeiss: Though now that I think about it, it's more bioluminescent than invisible.
Delcat: Well, being an uke is rough business. They have to take on an anglerfish strategy to attract a suitable mate.

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Delcat: You know, if I had read this and Take Me to Ariake! before I went to Japan, I probably would've been arrested for wanking off in public because it makes it seem like it's the polite thing to do.
Zeiss: So, apparently they were just wearing satin panties for the occasion. WHAT A COINCIDINK.
Zeiss: At least these guys don't drool so much, they're polite like that
Delcat: No, Zeiss, all gay men wear satin panties at all times. Because they're GAY. Duh.
Delcat: I swear that was a medical condition.
Zeiss: PTDD can do that to a person.
Delcat: I'm more curious as to where the panties came from when they clearly weren't there on the last page.
Delcat: Like how my sister's girlfriend pointed out that Squall mysteriously has his pants back on at the end of Anal Fantasy.
Zeiss: Wait, if these proportions can be believed, Okazaki must be as wide as your average rhinoceros.
Delcat: Her theory is that the Doctor flew by as Squall was time-traveling and threw him a pair of pants. "No one wants to see that!" "I do!" "No one but Jack wants to see that!"
Delcat: My sister's girlfriend is pretty cool in that regard, really
Zeiss: EMERGENCY PANTS DELIVERY
Zeiss: SOMEONE ORDER PANTS?
Delcat: WIDE AS A RHINOCEROUS AND HUNG LIKE A ZEBRA, IT'S SEME OF THE APES
Zeiss: I'm starting to miss the old guy now
Zeiss: WE ARE THE WOODEN COCK PRESERVATION SOCIETY
Delcat: those action lines sure are horny today

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Zeiss: It's 'cause there's action to be had.
Zeiss: Unlike in this page.
Zeiss: booooooooooooooring
Delcat: I would seriously love to see someone yank on the emergency stop pull at orgasm during train sex. Y'know, if those actually exist and aren't just a comedy staple.
Zeiss: Look, are they going to Ariake or what.
Delcat: Is it just me or is something very wrong going on with Barnacle in the last panel?
Zeiss: ...is that a nipple growing out of his buttocks?
Delcat: I'm seeing like three buttcheeks and none of them remotely connected to his one leg.
Zeiss: It's like he has a miniature ass on his ass.
Delcat: And...oh God, is the seme twisted 180 degrees at the waist like a Ken doll? What the fuck?
Zeiss: Okay, the more I look at this page the less it makes sense.
Delcat: Oh God the more I look at it the more physics-defying it gets.
Delcat: ...Zeiss
Zeiss: I mean, look at the first panel.
Delcat: ...is this actually a Lovecraftian device to teleport people to R'yleh?
Zeiss: ...
Zeiss: All I know is that his cock isn't even near where Barnacle's floor buffer would be, unless he's hung like a...er...barnacle.
Delcat: oh man my head is literally physically starting to hurt
Delcat: LET US BREAK FREE OF THIS MADNESS
Zeiss: Their sex positions are seriously non-Euclidean.
Zeiss: What is this I don't even
Delcat: FREEEEEEEEEE

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Zeiss: Well, if this counts as free.
Delcat: There are noodles. I consider that an improvement.
Delcat: ...unless...OH MY GOD THEY'RE MOUTH TENTACLES! I WAS RIGHT! THEY'RE CTHULHU! DON'T LOOK!
Zeiss: They already had noodles.
Zeiss: For limbs.
Zeiss: IA IA YAOI PHTAG'N
Delcat: THAT IS NOT DEAD WHICH CAN ETERNAL DIE
Delcat: AND IN STRANGE EONS EVEN COCK MAY DIE
Delcat: wait what
Delcat: I'll fix that in post
Zeiss: Strange DILDOS, you mean.

Bwahahahaha - Vibrator Company! Is it sad that I've already read this?

I mean, I came across the summary of it, and just could not believe my eyes, which forced me to read it - and I still don't believe it. If the mangaka wasn't gigglesnorting the entire way through this - or high on something - or both, I am going to eat my hat, because holy shit. The dildoes just grow longer and bigger and more and more WTF-worthy and it's like the characters left some-sense-of-normalcy in the pockets of their other coats and it just gets worse with every page.

Alright, links are down so here we go:

Chapter 1
Chapter 2