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 Help, Whether he Likes it or Not

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Join date : 2012-05-05

PostSubject: Help, Whether he Likes it or Not   Sat Jul 14, 2012 10:29 pm

I was looking for Mary Sues in ff.net recently, and came across this description:

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Harry's married, abused, and raped by his spouse and when he bumps into Severus and he finds out. Harry and his two children's fate come to rest in Sev's hands, no matter what Harry does. Eventual HarrySnape/Snarry. This means malexmale, yaoi, or slash!

And I thought: How interesting! This may be a legitimately good fic! I normally can't stand abuse stories, as they seem to be the same exhausted story used over and over again, but the thought of a fanfic writer writing about a woman abusing her husband charmed me and I clicked the link, thinking this story would be insightful, or at least unusual.

And that's how I started reading Help, Whether He Likes It or Not.

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"Harold," the man said as he continued to kick The-Boy-Who-Lived-and-Defeated-You-Know-Who's side, "you realize this is all your fault right?"

Welp. Well, clearly we've met an unexpected OC: Harold The-Boy-Who-Lived-and-Defeated-You-Know-Who, as opposed to Harry, the Boy-Who-Lived.

Alright, it's a surprisingly common occurence for even a good fanfic writer to think Harry's full name is Harold, but did Harry really get a whole new title after he defeated Voldemort? Well, when you get a new title, it might as well be combined with the old one.

Also, who is this man beating up Harry? The description said he was being abused by a spouse. Well, it is possible to have more than one abuser in your life. :denial:

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Harry knew this wasn't a question, but his focus was not on the man's words. "If you had just come back at the right time instead of staying out an hour more than what is allowed, we wouldn't be in this little predicament would we?" More kicking as he asked the question that wasn't a question.

I know it sounds really cool and mystical, dearie, but the phrase "X that wasn't an X" is overused to the point of being cancerous.

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Seeing his chance Harry begged, "Please, Michael, don't hurt it."

You know, I want to know who Michael is. Harry's boss? Why is he referring to being late to work as "staying out?" :denial:

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Now Michael stopped beating his pregnant husband on the floor and Harry breathed a sigh of relief foolishly thinking he was done for now.

Oh, I'm sorry, author, but I might've let my consciousness slip a moment-- What did you just say?

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pregnant husband

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pregnant husband

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pregnant husband






I could go on about this for days. I could talk about how same-sex marriage is currently illegal in the U.K., and that nowhere in the story does it mention that they've moved elsewhere to get married. I could talk about how mpreg does not exist in the Potterverse. I could talk even more about how cliched this story is. But no.


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Instead, Michael straddled Harry's back and took a hand full of hair pulling him up to speak in his ear, "That child is an abomination, as is the first; men shouldn't have them

YOU TELL 'IM MICHAEL! And make sure to send a similar message to the fanbrats.

Really, even your antagonist knows your story makes no sense at all, just quit while you're behind.

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and your magic fully defies the laws of nature."

Yes, Harry has married a Muggle. I suppose that could be in-character, but it's also a Muggle who's racist against wizards. I think Harry would announce his magic to a Muggle as soon as things got really serious, just to be sure something like THIS didn't happen.

Also, this line implies that all wizards can become pregnant. Wouldn't this have been mentioned once or twice in all the seven books?

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Sure, he hadn't insulted Harry in that sentence but he had insulted his unborn child and magic and he did it on purpose knowing that this worked better than direct insults when it came to hurting Harry.

Sure, you used proper punctuation for the first eight words of that sentence but you fudged it up the moment you had the chance and anyone trying to read this aloud will become very out-of-breath very quickly.

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"Please, Michael, stop this now before our child is hurt!" Harry begged. Trying to hold his eight months pregnant form from getting crushed on their living room floor was hard enough with Michael sitting on him, it became even harder when he had pulled up his hair. Michael just snorted and started to lick the outer shell of Harry's ear,


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before stopping and saying, "I may have created it, but I don't want it and accordingly lay no claim on it.

Um, you'd think that if male pregnancy was possible amongst wizards, they would've developed a birth control potion, probably a 100% effective one. You'd think that Michael would insist that Harry take that after finding out he was capable of conceiving. Or, you know, use a condom.

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You on the other hand, my dear husband, are mine to do what ever I want when ever I want with." He then bit the ear, not enough to make him bleed but enough to bruise.

More ear rape.

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"Yes," Harry screamed, terrified, "I am yours Michael, for now and forever, but please spare our child!" Harry screamed again as Michael bit deep into his outer ear, causing it to bleed this time.

WHAT IS MICHAEL'S OBSESSION WITH EARS? Sure, they're sensitive and it hurts like hell when they're bitten, but there are loads of other parts like that on the human anatomy! Bite something else!

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"No, Harry, I don't think you do get it. So I guess I'll just have to... teach you again." Michael said as he unzipped his pants and Harry started to sob uncontrollably, reduced to a mumbling wreck as his husband of four years violated Harry, against his will, and did unknowable amounts of damage to their unborn child.

Wait, rape is causing damage to the child? I mean, Harry did mention that his belly was being pinned to the floor, and that sounds like it could cause some damage, but he didn't mention the damage then, he mentioned it now. Does Michael's prick reach all the way into Harry's womb? Unless, of course, the ass-baby is actually being stored in Harry's colon, which would make much more sense.

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In the meantime though, they did not notice the almost ghost-like raven that sat outside the window sill the whole time, take off.

The raven was not a ghost of any kind; she was a patronus, not only that but he was the patronus of one Severus Snape, the reason behind Harry's late arrival home.

I checked the publication date, and this was posted on September 16th, 2007. Not long after Deathly Hallows came out, but long enough that most of the fanbase knew that SNAPE'S PATRONUS WAS A DOE.

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------------------------roughly three hours before------------------------

Harry Potter walked into the Florish and Blotts in Diagon Alley to look through the books there in his two hours of freedom. As he looked at the titles in the potions section, looking for concealment potions, healing potions, or protection potions, he accidentally bumped into another man looking through the section. As he looked up to apologize, he realized that the man was none other than his potions Professor of four years ago.

Alright, if this is four years post-Hogwarts, then the year is about 2001, making it inexcusable that the author didn't know same-sex marriage was not legalized in the U.K.

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Shortly before Harry ended the war the two had become close due to the many extra lessons that Severus had to give Harry (Practical Potions, Occlumency, Legilimency, and extra D.A.D.A.)

I'm just going to save a bunch of trouble and not bother mentioning canon that was only revealed in the seventh book, since the author has clearly not read it.

Plus, even if Harry had stayed at Hogwarts for his seventh year, I doubt Harry would have become very fond of Snape, what with him having just KILLED HIS MENTOR, DUMBLEDORE. Even if he had explained the Elder Wand agreement and such, Harry would've remained bitter and Snape certainly wouldn't have suddenly warmed up to him just because of extra time spent together.

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and they actually hadn't seen each other since roughly a month and a half ago for the third birthday party of his first child.

Again, even if Snape had told Harry all about the agreement he had with Dumbledore and the love he had for Lily, I doubt they would ever be on "hey-come-to-my-kid's-birthday-party" terms.

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"Harry." Severus said slightly shocked, before wrapping the younger man in a friendly hug. Noticing how Harry tensed in the hug, he scooted back and asked, "How have you been?"

Harry smiled at his friend and replied, "Good, Aiden still won't stop bugging me about getting his new sibling even though this one's about eight months in. How about you? Any good news?"

Severus returned the smile and said, "Nothing much, but I would be honored to have tea with you Harry so we can talk. Can you? I know of a lovely place down the street." Severus had become more expressive after the end of the Dark Lord mostly because he no longer had to be a spy and people would no longer die if he didn't hide his emotions.

Yes, Snape's absolute hatred and contempt for Harry was just an act to complete his spy job. NONE of it came from bitterness toward his father and prejudice against his fame. He was just longing to be Harry special friend all along.

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Harry quickly decided that important as those books may be, he had many books and they could definitely suffice for now, before nodding. Severus led him to a tea shop just around the corner where they sat down in a tiny booth, Harry only barely fitting in his state.

"So, Sev, what's been happening in the illustrious potions world lately?" Harry started off. They ended up talking like old friends and if it hadn't been for his answer to why he didn't write anyone ("Michael hates owls with a passion."), as to whether he knew the sex of the child yet ("No, Michael hates wizarding hospitals and I certainly can't go to a muggle one."), had he had any prenatal care ("Of course, Michael takes good care of me."), and the complete look of panic and terror that briefly crossed Harry's face when he looked at the time later, Severus never would have sent his patronus to follow Harry home and tell him what he was hiding.

Now Severus sat horrified as he listened to the raven tell him what he had recorded.

Wait, patronuses are tape recorders? Who knew?!

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The undeniable sound of Harry falling out of the fireplace as he flooed home; some things never change.

Wait, Michael despises all things magic, and wants to control every aspect of Harry's life, so he allows Harry to use floo powder? I figured Harry had needed to say he was going someplace normal just to get to Floorish and Blotts, but nope, Harry just uses the floo network, which the Ministry had no problem permanently connecting to a Muggle home.

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The sound of small feet running toward him as he groaned getting up from the floor and the small sobs that seemed to come from the small feet.

"Daddy, make Michael stop yelling. He's scary."

Severus heard the child's sobs get softer, probably as Harry soothed his first child somehow. "What happened, Little One, did he hit you?"

Does anyone actually call their child "little one?" As a proper noun or not? Second, WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS CHILD. We don't even know its name or gender.

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"N-no, I made my bear come to me for nap time."

"Aiden, I need you to go to your room and not come out no matter what, ok?"

"No, Daddy, I won't let him hurt you!"

"Aiden, please do this for me." even through the recorded sounds Severus could tell this was an order.

Well, at least now we can assume that Aiden is a boy.

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The sound of crying faded as little feet got further away along with the sound of someone sitting on a sofa with a deep sigh.

The sound of adult footsteps coming closer and stopping suddenly.

"Harold, glad to see you finally decided to return." presumably Michael, Severus had never actually talked to him, as he'd missed his own baby shower, not that he talked to Severus at his wedding to Harry or Aiden's and Harry's birthday parties (only two days apart, July 29 and July 31.

That's a nice infodump you have there, author. Be a shame if someone were to punctuate it.

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"Mike, I sorry,

Razz Sorry, I'm just imagining Harry with Jar-Jar-Binks's voice.

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A slap rang out, "Harold, what have I told you about calling me Mike?"

Harry's small voice replied, "Never, unless you call me Harry first."

"Right, now on to your punishment for staying out for more than your allotted time." This time a dull punch was heard, before one of them fell to the carpet below, followed by the beginning of dull kicks.

"No," Aiden's voice rang out, "stop hurting Daddy, Michael!"

Harry responded desperately, "Aiden, please! Go to your room!"

The little feet ran off and frantic searching was heard in the little boy's room.

What does frantic searching sound like?

Anyway, I'll skip the next few paragraphs, 'cause they're just the first few paragraphs of the chapter by Snape's POV.

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Michael's grunts and Harry's sobs and screams actually made Severus sick to his stomach and he had to run to the bathroom before he dirtied his rug. He pulled his head out of the toilet just in time to hear Michael come and Harry collapse, probably unconscious since the sobbing stopped.

"Little did Snape know that this whole situation was just a very odd but consensual roleplay between Harry and Michael, and that Aiden had only run from the room in horror because he knew from experience what Daddy and Papa were going to do next."

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The patronus closed it's beak and promptly disappeared as Severus emptied the rest of his stomach into the toilet.

He raised his head out of the bowl this time to hear calls of his name coming from his room, sounding oddly just like the small child he had just heard.

Oh fuck.

THIS STORY HAS 29 CHAPTERS, AND THIS WAS ONLY THE FIRST ONE. Anybody brave enough to spork is implored to do so, as I hate to abandon a fic, but doubt I can do this alone.

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Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction

Join date : 2010-01-10
Age : 27
Location : A string of Code in the Interwebz( IF living = true input ragequit)

PostSubject: Re: Help, Whether he Likes it or Not   Sat Jul 14, 2012 10:46 pm

Colbert I'd join in, but I need my daily dose of ability to care... and I'm all out of that.
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Join date : 2010-12-22

PostSubject: Re: Help, Whether he Likes it or Not   Fri Sep 07, 2012 8:15 pm

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Does Michael's prick reach all the way into Harry's womb? Unless, of course, the ass-baby is actually being stored in Harry's colon, which would make much more sense.

I am literally in tears laughing right now.
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Join date : 2011-01-22

PostSubject: Re: Help, Whether he Likes it or Not   Fri Sep 07, 2012 8:31 pm

Am I the only one who remembers book three, more specifically the part where Harry blew up his aunt cause she pissed him off? Magical people are scary-dangerous when they're pissed. Michael should have been vaporized.
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