Torso: He Loves Me Like a Rock! (In which Zeiss and Del have a sing-a-long!)

Delcat: Okay, so I guess I found this randomly on /y/ and saved it because it was really fucking bizarre. That's all I know about it.

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Delcat: Although "really fucking bizarre" goes a long way knowledge-wise, here.
Zeiss: "Torgo"!...no, wait, it's "Torso"
Delcat: I think if there's Torgo Rule 34 out there, it's probably het. Just sayin'.
Zeiss: That kid just wanted someone that wasn't cold on him. So he turned to a rock.
Delcat: "He had an old face...an old head, really. No, really, it was creepy, it was like a thirty-year-old head on a ten-year-old's body."
Delcat: Is that how it works, Zeiss? Do boys hit puberty from the head down?
Zeiss: Only when they're in space
Zeiss: like this kid
Delcat: Is that why space is not the kind of place to raise a kid?
Delcat: I guess it really is cold as hell.
Zeiss: Well, guess what's a rock?
Zeiss: It, man.
Delcat: ...wow, that really was an uncanny set-up. Maybe we should just stop here.
Zeiss: ,,,
Zeiss: holy shit what just happened
Delcat: I'm scared. Hold me.

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Zeiss: Notice the giant dong-candles on the table.
Delcat: I feel like there should be eight panels of that "durrrrrr" face.
Delcat: WHY ZEISS, YOU NOTICED THE SUBTLE IMAGERY
Zeiss: He looks more bored than anything else.
Zeiss: AH, IS THIS WHAT THEY CALL A LEIFMOTIF
Delcat: "I LOVE YOU NEKKID HEADLESS DADDAY"
Delcat: His real parents don't love him because one of his arms is longer than the other.
Zeiss: His tongue turns nipples into navels!
Zeiss: Why the hell isn't this kid making money somwhere
Delcat: No, Zeiss, we're not in /d/ anymore.
Zeiss: I can dream, Del, I can dream.
Delcat: So is that his head on the mantel? Is he watching himself getting fucked? Kinky.

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Zeiss: QUICK, I MUST CHIP MY TOOTH
Delcat: I love how long of a set-up there is in this manga. They really care about the...God, I am getting tired of this joke, when are we going to get a project where we don't see sex until at least four pages in?
Zeiss: When we find a book that has four blank pages in the front.
Delcat: Probably if we found one like that, we could print them out and hold them up to a light, and it'd turn out there were cocks drawn on them in lemon juice.
Zeiss: The perfect place to hide penises! A porn book!
Delcat: ...drawn so cock-ily that they would somehow transcribe onto printer paper magically
Delcat: Forest, trees, etc.
Zeiss: Dr. John goes with this manga surprisingly well.

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Delcat: Oh yeah baby, I love it when you fruitlessly rub your ass over my flaccid dick.
Zeiss: Okay, there's really no way you can come just by rubbing your anus on a cold, hard, rock.
Delcat: You sound really sure of that, Zeiss.
Zeiss: Not that I'd ever tried, but...the only way it would work was if his ass was really sensitive, and if that was so then shitting would be twelve sorts of nightmares and he really wouldn't be worrying about the statue.
Delcat: Aaaand we come full circle to Nippon Heroine 3.
Delcat: And darn, I was hoping it was drunken confession time.
Zeiss: It's amazing how things work out, isn't it?
Delcat: I hope at the end of the story, he's arrested for molesting a poor, defenseless inanimate object.
Delcat: He's only not running away because he CAN'T.
Zeiss: It's the ciiiircle of pooooooorn
Zeiss: I think he's just marking his territory, the more I look at it.
Delcat: I wonder if his father bought the statue from this guy.
Zeiss: You'd wonder why he would hack off the head and arms then.
Zeiss: That's like a bunch of sex options out the window, man.
Delcat: Not if you wanted convenient travel-size fuckstatues.

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Delcat: My hair actually looked like that when I got up this morning. I wonder if he showered right before bed too. And then...just...failed to do anything about it.
Zeiss: Looks like static electricity to me.
Zeiss: "I am so dead, I'm already a mosaic!"
Delcat: I wonder if it hurts to have a speech balloon for a face.
Delcat: Wait...that hair...Miz Bellum?
Zeiss: Well, that proves everything.
Delcat: It does?
Zeiss: Yep.
Delcat: ...how?
Zeiss: Del, she has Shading Degeneration Syndrome. I think it'd be rude to burden her with questions, don't you?
Delcat: Oh. Ohhhhhh. I'm so sorry, man.
Zeiss: I think it's time you were escorted out, young lady.
Delcat: I didn't know, man, I didn't know!

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Delcat: OH MY GOD REAL PEOPLE HAVE TORSOS TOO??
Zeiss: NOOOOOO
Zeiss: ...Now you've gone and reminded me of the scene in Cyberseduction where whats-his-name starts noticing women have breasts while OMINOUS MUSIC plays.
Delcat: Well, statues are the oldest form of Internet pornography, duh.
Zeiss: I thought that was cave paintings.
Delcat: Cave paintings came about back when people still reproduced by budding. You really don't know anything about history, do you?
Zeiss: Well you don't know anything about Shading Degeneration Syndrome, and I think that's a greater sin in our modern world.
Delcat: Look, it's not like I don't know the score, okay? We've all seen the news stories. I just...a girl that young...I didn't want to believe it to be true!
Zeiss: THAT BOY IN THE MANGA DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE THE STATUE WASN'T REAL EITHER
Zeiss: ...OR DID HE?
Zeiss: LET'S FIND OUT

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Delcat: He has a sea urchin growing out of his dick.
Zeiss: "Oh fuck, I've got dandelion seeds all over me!"
Zeiss: ...It looks like there's a sleeve-shaped hole in his sketchbook. Almost Escheresque.
Delcat: The next page will have two dicks fapping themselves and birds that become dominatrixes!
Zeiss: hold on
Delcat: Doesn't this...isn't this expected to happen occasionally in Life Drawing classes? I mean, it's not that unusual.
Zeiss: What, reality starts folding in on itself?
Delcat: Yeah, that happens when a guy gets aroused, doesn't it?
Zeiss: hold on
Zeiss: I'VE GOT QUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT
Zeiss: IN MY PANTS
Zeiss: WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS LATER, IF LATER EVEN OCCURS
Delcat: I must say, "Quick! Let's go catch him!" sounds like a prelude to rape in-context.
Zeiss: It also sounds like the cue for Yakkey Sax.
Zeiss: Boy, that's one Benny Hill that they'll never allow back on the air.

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Delcat: STARE, STARE, STARE AT THE CROTCH~
Zeiss: LOOK, LOOK, LOOK AT MY CROTCH
Zeiss: LOOK AT MY CROTCH
Delcat: LOOOOOOOK AT MY CROTCH

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Delcat: Is he protectively blocking his crotch with his sketchbook now, or is it just me?
Zeiss: "This coffee can isn't the only thing that shrinks when I touch it!"
Zeiss: "Wait-"
Delcat: That plaid is assaulting my retinas.
Delcat: And somehow continues over both pantlegs seamlessly.
Zeiss: It's like this manga had the same costume designer as the guy who did The Off-Beats
Delcat: Hey, have we played Spot the Uke yet?
Zeiss: Hmm, I don't know...Statue Fetishist here looks like he might be the uke, having a twagic backstory and all, but he's not a blonde.
Delcat: And the blonde is manly and has facial hair. We may be seeing an upset here, folks.
Zeiss: "Monocle*

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Delcat: Dude: ...this is getting sad, isn't it.
Statue: Is this cotton? It feels like cotton.
Zeiss: I have to do it
Zeiss: LOOOOOOOOOOVE ME LIKE A ROCK
Zeiss: HE LOVES ME LIKE THE ROCK OF AGES
Zeiss: HE LOVES ME
Zeiss: help me
Delcat: Sorry, friend, I'm out of vodka.
Delcat: So does he hump mannequins, too?
Zeiss: ....i think i fudged it up, too.
Zeiss: When you can't get the best....
Delcat: We can fix it in post.
Zeiss: alright
Zeiss: I swear, there are times when I'm just listening to songs and I start writing dong-focused lyrics to them in my head
Zeiss: all thanks to this
Zeiss: If I ever start going off about strange dicks hanging from the cocklar trees, you can feel free to shoot the silver bullet.
Delcat: I think I saw that fanart.

(Intermission for Movie Night, recovened the next day)

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Zeiss: oshit it's Edward-
Delcat: Statue: God, do I look like I care? Less talk, more cock.
Zeiss: i seriously don't even
Zeiss: Rubbing your cock against a rock=fun
Zeiss: BEST LOGIC EVER
Delcat: ...you know, if you squint psychologically, you could read this as symbolic of molestation. Kind of.
Zeiss: I see it more representative of chafing.
Delcat: HEY ZEISS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING??
Zeiss: WHAT DELLY WHAT
Delcat: GETTING HIS ROCK OFF
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Delcat: Couldn't he...like tape a dildo to it or something?
Delcat: Or would it not have the statue's ~SPIRIT~
Zeiss: All the cocks are washed out, so I can't even tell if he did.

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Zeiss: HU-ENN!
Zeiss: HEWA
Delcat: You'd think he'd at least get people sucking up to get money.
Zeiss: Well it's no wonder he doesn't have friends, if all he does is go around buggering statues.
Delcat: Why is the blonde dude wearing Doctor Who glasses?
Zeiss: Because...oh crap
Delcat: OH GOD ZEISS DON'T BLINK
Zeiss: The guy is fucking a Weeping Angel.
Zeiss: OH GOD
Zeiss: NOOOOOOO
Delcat: I wonder if decapitating a Weeping Angel would work.
Zeiss: I wonder if vigorously rubbing your anus against one would.
Delcat: ...I think we'd know, if Captain Jack had been in that episode.

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Zeiss: WANNA COME OVER AND HUMP SOME STUFF?
Delcat: Isn't that what guys do to bond? Hump inanimate objects?
Zeiss: You'd be surprised.
Delcat: Actually, it's not that he's gay and in love with him, it's that he was thinking of Sonic the Hedgehog and doesn't want to admit he's a furry.
Zeiss: Is this Harley's origin story?
Delcat: If it is, I must say it would explain a lot.
Delcat: Does that look like a rapeface in the last panel to you? It looks like a rapeface to me.
Zeiss: Looks more like "JUST AS PLANNED" to me.
Delcat: Except what was planned is rape?
Zeiss: ...I guess we can compromise.

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Delcat: This is a fantastic plan.
Zeiss: Again, dong candles.
Delcat: So we have a portrait, a bust, a jewelry box, antique chairs, a statue, and...a giant golf ball.
Zeiss: Not to mention a roll of masking tape.
Delcat: He uses that to tape the statues to each other. His favorite pairing is golf ball/torso.
Zeiss: Last panel: Paraphilia...for men.
Delcat: I'm not sure whether this guy is supposed to be British or the translator is.
Zeiss: Well, if this is Doctor Who...
Delcat: It actually looks like he's whispering an explanation of his guest into the statue's ear, except there are no ears so he's going for the collarbone.
Delcat: The use of the speech balloon to cover the dick is randomly tasteful.
Zeiss: I swear, that statue must be like a petri dish right about now.
Delcat: You touch it and it just squidges.

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Delcat: RUN, AZUMA, RUN
Zeiss: YOU MEAN HE DREW ME WHEN I WAS MODELING?
Zeiss: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Zeiss: Oh shit, I think he's supposed to be L.
Zeiss: Except with a haircut and a fetish.
Delcat: From what little I know of L, he IS a fetish
Delcat: But I'm familiar with /y/ canon, so.
Zeiss: "Stop raping me, please"?
Delcat: Funny how many guys in /y/ that applies to, isn't it?
Zeiss: You /y/goers and your rape magnets...
Delcat: Wasn't there a scene like this in Misery right before she chopped off his foot?

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Delcat: At least he wasn't dumb enough to drink the tea.
Zeiss: Well shit, Ten was the uke all along.
Zeiss/b]: Oh manga, how we overestimated you!
[b]Delcat: WHAT A TWEEST!
Delcat: It kind of looks like the statue just came into the room of its own volition there to gang up on him.
Zeiss: Notice how they're turned away from him...
Delcat: oh God Zeiss you are creepin' me out D:
Delcat: If I stay up all night because I'm trying to keep away the scary rapeangels, it's your fault
Zeiss: DON'T HUMP. NOT FOR ONE SECOND.
Delcat: That sure is a perfectly triangular knife. Mmyep.

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Delcat: This is a FANTASTIC plan.
Delcat: Ukes are a big responsibility, Billy! You have to feed them, and clean up after them, and make sure they don't die of protein deficiencies!
Zeiss: IT'S JUST LIKE FUCKING A ROCK
Zeiss: YAY
Delcat: "So I'd like to buy a pair of police-grade handcuffs, a box of condoms, a knife, a bottle of roofies, and...ooh, is that Juicy Fruit? Gimme a pack of Juicy Fruit, I love that shit."
Zeiss: It looks like a giant Spree.
Zeiss: Or a Necco Wafer
Delcat: "Man, why didn't anyone tell me my shirt smelled like this? It's like if macaroni and cheese threw up!"

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Delcat: Okay, I'm kind of confused over which one is the uke now.
Zeiss: Uh...you take this one.
Delcat: There really isn't protocol for this kind of situation in the Ukespotting field guide.
Zeiss: Maybe...we ALL are the uke.
Zeiss: US, THE READERS
Delcat: I'll tell the male prostitutes I hired that you said that, thank you.
Zeiss: Del how long are you going to keep them around
Delcat: I kinda like 'em, they make good pie.
Zeiss: Yeah, but they steal all the Saran wrap.
Delcat: What is happening in panel 3, seriously? It's like his taint grew a navel or something.
Delcat: Saran wrap is a small price to pay for really good pie, Zeiss.
Zeiss: Honestly, I wouldn't mind if they moved when I looked at them.

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Delcat: "Hey, what's going on down there? I feel like you're vaguely rubbing your anus on me, but I admittedly don't have much experience in that area...okay there was that one time in college, but I was pretty drunk."
Zeiss: His breasts are desperately trying to flee!
Delcat: If someone's dick actually did become rock-hard, I think I'd be worried.
Zeiss: It'd fossilize or something.
Delcat: There really should be potential flexibility there, at least in the skin, right?
Zeiss: Ideally. Otherwise it'd be prone to snapping.
Zeiss: (How many pages do we have left?)
Delcat: He's bad at this. Look at Panel 2, he's fucking his knees, not his dick.

Author! Author! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I have improved the manga!

Spoiler:

Bwahahaha - this was awesome. And oh deary me, what a horrible manga. As I recall, this mangaka does all sorts of fucked up shit with her characters. Rape is a favourite, but there's some really crazy stuff going on beyond that.

Now, if only I could remember the name, so I could find her other titles....

The little credits tag I saved with it says the mangaka iiiis...Mika Sadahiro. Are you saying there's more?

HEY HOW HAS NOBODY FUCKING REALIZED THAT I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO MISS AN ENTIRE THIRD OF THE MANGA IN THE CODING PROCESS

DO YOU SERIOUSLY BLINDLY LOVE ME THIS MUCH

ZEISS WHY DID YOU NOT CATCH THAT

FIXING NOW FIXED, SECOND PART IS NOW WHERE IT BELONGS AND THIRD PART IS HERE

Zeiss: Let me find some snarking music first
Delcat: We shall snark at LEVEL 3 SPEED
Delcat: Can do.
Zeiss: IS THAT THE LEVEL WHEN WE WANT TO LOL
Delcat: so what happens when he reaches Minus World?
Delcat: A permanent faploop?
Zeiss: LIMPNESS
Delcat: HONOES
Zeiss: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Zeiss: FIRE AWAY

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Delcat: Aaand the bodily fluids begin in earnest.
Zeiss: Is he trying to feed him capsules?
Zeiss: TETSUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Zeiss: ...Why does his pee make a "spit" sound?
Delcat: It starts out as relief, but by the end of the manga, he's shoveling cock into his mouth with both hands in agony
Zeiss: You can't cum and piss at the same time, you know. 'Tis a science fact.
Delcat: What if you surgically rerouted the vas deferens?
Zeiss: To the saliva glands?
Delcat: To the EYES
Delcat: Yeah okay I may still be thinking in /d/ terms sorry
Zeiss: You'd have to like really stretch it man
Zeiss: SHHH DON'T GIVE THE NIPPON HEROINE WRITERS IDEAS
Delcat:
This is kind of like if Pokemon were real. Sure, they may be awesome in
theory, but do you really want to try to clean up after a Snorlax?
Delcat: 800 pounds of food in, 800 pounds of food out, and all of a sudden you're wondering whose great idea this was
Zeiss: I think Hypno is a worse idea really.
Zeiss: I mean, WHY DON'T THESE THINGS RUN THE WORLD ALREADY
Delcat: Because they're too busy diddling kids, if fanon is any indication.
Zeiss: Not to mention what Lickitung does when work is scarce.
Delcat: This is proving a point: You know what's more fun to talk about than this manga? ...anything.
Zeiss: You know what? I miss the feeling I had at the start of this that it was going to be about Torgo.

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Delcat: I WUV OO CWAZY WAPIST
Zeiss: "LoVe WiTh HuMaNs"...Oh, it just isn't the same.
Zeiss: YOU AND ME BABY AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT MAMMALS SO LET'S DO IT LIKE THEY DO ON THE ART HISTORY CHANNEL
Delcat:
Desperately, the victim tries a clever ploy to get on the rapist's good
side, already scoping the room for potential weapons...
Delcat: He spies an enormous invisicock flitting by and prepares to take a swing with it.
Zeiss: are you implying there isn't LURVE happening here
Zeiss: It seems you are contradicting yourself.
Delcat: The invisicock is his boyfriend come to save the day, duh.
Zeiss: IN SPIRIT FORM
Zeiss: ...this explains everything
Delcat: He's going to beat the crazy rapist to death and take Blonde Guy on an invisihorse to his invisicastle to make invisilove.
Delcat: Anyway, how does he know that the statue hasn't been lying to him? Five bucks says he's having an affair with that golf ball.
Zeiss: And the dong candles, of course.

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Zeiss: Release the cuff, Smithers!
Delcat: The bathroom is a good prospect. One quick shove on that slippery floor and Crazy Rapist will go over, then he can strangle him with the plug cord.
Delcat: Unfortunately, they quickly fall into the Random Floating Squidge Dimension. Blonde Dude will have to change his plan of attack.
Delcat: Why yes I am totally retooling this into a self-defense class, thank you
Zeiss: QUICK BLONDE DUDE
Zeiss: USE THE SILPH SCOPE
Delcat: Marowak: Dude, I'm wearing my own mother's skull and you're still more fucked than I am.
Zeiss: Pokemon jokes never get old do they
Delcat: I like the panel with the tiny bit of handcuff in it. It looks like a dinosaur.
Delcat: This manga would be so much better if the protagonists were dinosaurs.
Zeiss: Look who's planning a rapeoni!
Zeiss: IT'S CUFFOSAURUS REX
Delcat: Not like anthro dinosaurs, real dinosaurs.
Zeiss: Now I have a yearning for Dinosaur Comics.

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Zeiss: GO OUT, STATUECHU, AND ENN TO THE EXTREME!
Delcat: Quid rapistodio quam rapistododioes?
Zeiss: Quamp?
Zeiss: Quamp rapistodio quam rapistododioes, that's who
Delcat: No, not quite...
Zeiss: we have to divert the topic 'cause this page is so dull.
Delcat: Quamp tribtodio quam tribododioes
Zeiss: GET BACK TO RUBBING YOUR ANUS ON THINGS ALREADY
Zeiss: Touche.
Delcat: Having been left his rings is a plus. It looks like you could put out someone's eye on the one.
Delcat: What is that, anyway? Did he screw a nut onto his finger?
Zeiss: "...and I want my ring REALLY SQUARE."
Delcat: Owww, just looking at it makes my joints hurt. Moving on.

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Delcat: Uke ran up and scratched me through my jeans
Delcat: Uke ran up and scratched me through my jeans
Delcat: Fuck you, uke, you gonna spend the night
Delcat: Fuck you, uke, you gonna spend the night
Delcat: Fuck you, uke, you gonna spend the night
Delcat: OUTSIDE!
Delcat: UKE ON MY FOOT AND I WANNA FUCK IT UKE ON MY FOOT AND I WANNA FUCK IT
Delcat: "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME INAPPROPRIATELY! NO MEANS NO!"
Zeiss: TOO BAD THIS IS YAOI THEN
Zeiss: WE BUILT THIS YAOI
Zeiss: WE BUILT THIS YAOI ON ROCKS AND RA~PE
Delcat: Don't you mean "cock and roll"?
Zeiss: those too
Delcat: WHO RIDES THE COCK AND BALLS INTO OUR GUITARS
Zeiss: DON'T TELL US YOU NEED US
Zeiss: 'CAUSE WE'RE THE SIMPLE FOOLS
Zeiss: HUMPIN' ON AMERICA
Zeiss: HUMPIN' ON YOUR TOOLS
Delcat: HUMPIN' IN THE SCH...no, I don't think I want to go there, thank you
Zeiss: THE UKE FUCKS A STATUE, SIT AND LISTEN TO HIM GO
Zeiss: DON'T YOU REMEMBER
Zeiss: and then we're back where we started, really
Delcat: You know what we need, Zeiss? We need a conductor.
Zeiss: We could recruit Inky...
Delcat: I'm thinking a mild-mannered balding British man with a sense of rhythm and a dildo wand.

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Delcat: THIS RAPE SUCKS I'M TAKING MY BALLS AND GOING HOME
Zeiss: WELL STATUE I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME AGAIN
Zeiss: GOODNIGHT RAPIES
Zeiss: RAPIES GOODNIGHT
Zeiss: IT'S TIME TO SAYYYYY GOOOODBYE
Delcat: Aw, why didn't you leave the outer door open like I asked? Now the mirror's all action-lined up!
Delcat: Shouldn't his jeans be soaked?
Delcat: Where the hell are the maids, anyway?
Delcat: ...am I expecting too much here?
Zeiss: I think they've been transformed into the dong candles and things
Delcat: Wait...are you saying...
Zeiss: IF UKE DOES NOT FIND LOVE BEFORE ALL THE LIMBS ON THE STATUE HAVE DROPPED
Delcat: GASPY
Delcat: NO WONDER HE'S SO EMO
Zeiss: ...The golf ball?
Delcat: NO ONE'S SLICK AS UKE, NO ONE'S QUICK AS UKE
Delcat: NO ONE HAS A SPECTACULAR DICK LIKE UKE'S
Delcat: FOR THERE'S NO MAN IN TOWN HALF AS MANLY
Delcat: PERFECT, A PURE PARAGON
Delcat: YOU CAN ASK ANY TOM, DICK OR STAN LEE
Delcat: THEY WILL TELL YOU WHOSE COCK THEY PREFER TO BE ON
Zeiss: i'll take this one
Zeiss: NO ONE HUMPS LIKE UKE, GETS THE GRUMPS LIKE UKE
Zeiss: RUBS HIS ANUS ON THINGS AND GETS MUMPS LIKE UKE
Zeiss: HE IMPLEMENTS ROCKS IN HIS MASTURBATING
Zeiss: MY WHAT A GUY THAT UKE
Zeiss: ding ding
Delcat: WHEN I WAS A BOY I ATE FOUR DOZEN COCKS EVERY MORNING TO HELP ME GET HARD
Zeiss: AND NOW I'M A MAN I EAT FIVE DOZEN COCKS
Delcat: AND I...I...hard, bard, card, sparred...ah, I have it!
Delcat: AND NOW THAT I'M GROWN I EAT FIVE DOZEN COCKS AND I LUBE UP MY ASS WITH HOT LARD
Delcat: man I am not nearly as good at this as you
Delcat: I USE DONG CANDLES IN ALL OF MY DICK-OR-ATING
Zeiss: MY WHAT A GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Delcat: U-KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Delcat: ...is the manga STILL going? Mother of fuck.

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Zeiss: Actually, Del, I've been thinking...
Delcat: A dangerous pastime :O
Zeiss: -I know. This manga just seems interminably long...
Delcat: And my sanity's starting to go.
Zeiss: Now the wheels in my head have been turning, since I've looked that crazy young man...
Zeiss: See, this manga should have ended pages ago, and right now I'm evolving a plan!
Zeiss: If I...
Delcat: Yes?...
Zeiss: Then he...
Delcat: No! Would he...
Zeiss: ...Guess!
Delcat: Now I get it!
Zeiss: Let's go!
Zeiss: No one clings like uke!
Zeiss: Makes with things like Uke?
Zeiss: Has a thing for uncomfortable rings like Uke!
Zeiss: Yes, he's endlessly, wildly resourceful!
Zeiss: As to the dong-room he ascends!
Zeiss: He wont even be remotely remorseful-
Zeiss: Just as HE gets to fuck what he wants in the end!
Delcat: (spoken) Wait, is that literal or figurative?
Zeiss: Who's misled like Uke?
Zeiss: Neglected like Uke?
Zeiss: Fundamentally gonked in the head like Uke?
Zeiss: And the end of this we'll soon be celebrating-
Zeiss: MY WHAT A GUYYYYYYY
Delcat: U-KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Zeiss: YAY
Zeiss: oh wait did you post another page
Zeiss: let's have a look at that
Delcat: ...no one rapes like Uke, um...um...makes...crepes like...Uke...wait, is it over?
Delcat: wow I barely contributed to that at all
Zeiss: "But you'll never break, never break, never break, never break! This heart of AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Zeiss: Well, you did handle the spoken bits quite nicely.
Delcat: "Dude, you dropped that right on my car. Not cool."
Delcat: I'm just the lowly LeFou to your Gaston, Zeiss.
Delcat: But hey, at least I survive the movie.
Zeiss: Now there are going to be all sorts of urban legends about people who drop statues off of highway bridges and kill people.
Zeiss: Well, that's only if we do one thing, Del-
Zeiss: and that's KILL THE UKE
Zeiss: (...I've completely forgotten how that song goes)
Delcat: Gasp! You mean...
Zeiss: or at least BREAK HIS STUFF
Delcat: We're not safe until he's dead
Delcat: He'll come stalking us at night
Delcat: Come to sacrifice our children to his monstrous appetite
Delcat: He'll wreak havoc on our college if we let him wander free
Delcat: ...because really we don't even need to edit that one.
Zeiss: if you said "statues" instead of "college", it could work
Delcat: Isn't this a college? Do we even care?
Zeiss: pffffffft no
Zeiss: Through the plot, through the rape, through the countless invisicocks, it's a nightmarish and plainly stupid ride!
Delcat: Say a prayer, and you're there, in the shower of an uke, and there's something truly terrible inside
Delcat: It's a COCK, one with BALLS, razor-sharp ones
Zeiss: Massive dongs, donging, longing for the feast!
Delcat: Hear him whine, see him jizz, but we won't take this piss
Delcat: We will snark--bitch and snark! KILL THE UKE!
Zeiss: Hear them roar, see them foam, but we're not coming home!
Zeiss: 'Til it's broke, good and broke, BREAK HIS STUFF!
Delcat: so uh hey a page how about that

Quote :

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Delcat: NOOOOO! YOU KILLED HIM! YOU MURDEROUS BASTARD!
Zeiss: OH MY GAWD, WHAT HAPPENED?
Delcat: A STATUE FELL OUT OF THE BEEEEEEEELDING
Zeiss: WHEE-OOO-WHEE-OOO
Zeiss: that never gets old
Delcat: Seriously, as an amateur sculptor, this hurts me. Do you know how much time and effort went into that, you little prick? You just shattered a masterpiece because you had to go and have a symbolic shitfit!
Zeiss: He is going to be in sooooooooooo much trouble
Delcat: "Do you still want to chase me away?"
"No! I've realized the error of my ways and want to love you forever!"
"Yeah, too bad. You're utterly batshit. The restraining order will be on your desk in the morning."

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Delcat: Are they fucking RIGHT in front of the window?
Zeiss: o hai there invisicock
Delcat: The next day...
"Hey, the neighbors sent us curtains! Lace! Really nice!"
Zeiss: Acutually, they seem to be fucking in front of the Orion Nebula, if the last panel is anything to go by.
Delcat: I thought those were African Sleeping Sickness bacteria. They symbolize how bored we are at this point.
Zeiss: Is Uke's chest collapsing in on itself?
Delcat: It's cracking down the middle. That's the twist ending--he's an alien replicant with a false pretty-boy exoskeleton covering THE LOVECRAFTIAN HORROR WITHIN
Zeiss: Or that he's cracking, JUST LIKE THE STATUE
Delcat: THEIR LOVE IS SO SYMBOLIC
Zeiss: IT'S LIKE THEY'RE AN OTP OF METAPHOR/ANALOGY
Zeiss: METAPHOR TOPS
Delcat: SIMILE HIDES IN THE CLOSET AND FAPS, CRYING BROKENLY
Zeiss: SIMILE CAN NEVER BE LIKE THEM

Quote :

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Zeiss: ...I just realized that I haven't done a SHOULDERS joke so far
Delcat: "Uh, honey, I'm not sure where to stick my dick here. Is this your foot or my elbow?"
"I count five thighs. Do you count five thighs?"
Delcat: The pecs are actually outstripping the shoulders in this one, surprisingly.
Zeiss: ...That page doesn't make sense unless his leg is going through his stomach.
Delcat: THEIR LOVE IS SO PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
Delcat: There are those sea urchins again.
Zeiss: That pack of sparkles by Uke's leg looks like a duck.
Delcat: Wait, what are they...are they lunging through the air or what? 'Cause they are gonna land HARD if that's the case. Can you say "Penile fracture", boys and...boys?
Delcat: Oh hey, it really does. Hi, ducky! Quack quack quack...
Zeiss: And in that first panel, his ankle is a dong.
Delcat: Last page ho!

Quote :

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Delcat: Giantbedspace to the rescue!
Delcat: Endlessly? Oh shit, they DID make it to Minus World!
Zeiss: A statue can stimulate all five senses, actually. I don't know what they're going on about.
Delcat: Zeiss I have told you to stop licking my statues gorrangit
Zeiss: If you wanted me to stop licking them they you should have carved them out of something other than marshmallows.
Delcat: THOSE STATUES ARE NOT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU...R TONGUE
Delcat: "Can I just pluck your eyebrow a bit here? Thanks."
Zeiss: "Only if you can be a dear and make your ears all pointy."
Delcat: Meanwhile, a thousand miles away...
"Mr. Uke? You know that statue that you paid $3.4 billion for twenty years ago and has since appreciated in value a hundredfold?"
"Yes, what about it?"
"...do you have any sticky tack, is what we're basically asking, here."
Zeiss: And now that that horrible germy statue has plummeted to the streets, they're all going to have to evacuate.
Delcat: What, that isn't how 28 Days Later started?
Zeiss: If the Uke flu ever gets out, it would be a public health disaster.
Delcat: ...
Delcat: "Johnny Longtorso, you are the last seme in the world! You must heal each and every man infected with the Uke flu with your semen vaccine!"
"I am up to the task, sir!"
Delcat: Zeiss, go get my directin' hat. We're goin' to HOLLYWOOD.
Zeiss: ...Now I'm imagining a Vibrator Company crossover where they have to develop vaccines. Guess where the syringes go.
Delcat: Hell-OOOOOOOOOOOO, Nurse!
Zeiss: There should be a crossover of every yaoi ever
Zeiss: CRISIS ON INFINITE COCKS
Zeiss: It ends with Sepiroth punching a dong.
Delcat: So, any last words before this goes to print?
Zeiss: And the moral is: Be careful where you rub your ass! You may lay waste to Western civilization.
Delcat: So true...so true.

Delcat wrote:

HEY HOW HAS NOBODY FUCKING REALIZED THAT I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO MISS AN ENTIRE THIRD OF THE MANGA IN THE CODING PROCESS

DO YOU SERIOUSLY BLINDLY LOVE ME THIS MUCH

ZEISS WHY DID YOU NOT CATCH THAT

I WAS BUSY BIDDING ON A BUST OF SOCRATES

FOR ILLICIT PURPOSES

According to the portrait in page two, he's lonely because his father is a stuffy-guy for Bonfire Night.

This snark is made of win and angel kisses.

Let's see now... Sadahiro Mika... *Baka-Updates's her*

.... Oh. My. Sweet. God.

This is the woman who did Under Grand Hotel! I knew I recognised her from somewhere! Nakama Scanlations has one of her other oneshots for online viewing - it's called Agnus Dei - Lamb of God. The plot is... well.

A wheelchair bound man pays a young man to have sex with his wife - while he watches. Wheelchair bound man is then raped by the young man - in a very "Oh hai raping u btw!" kind of manner - and then follows a very convoluted plot which wraps up with the young man having killed wifey and buried her in the snow.

Also, apparently, being ass-raped when you're paralyzed from the waist down feels like being "awakened by an earthquake". For serious.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

This woman is the perpetrator of at least 41 different manga. I recall reading another one of her oneshots called From The Right, which involved a pair of twins, one of which died, the other who was blind on one eye - and the surviving twin rape-sexing the dead twin's boyfriend. And then there's the multi-chapter Surf Junkie, which has a lot of partner-switcheroo, and some serious talk about HIV, which is kind of unusual.

I don't know if any of the others (besides the ones I mentioned - I got three pages into Under Grand Hotel and just sort of threw up my hands and gave up) are as bad as Torso, but Agnus Dei is pretty fucked up.

Delcat wrote:

HEY HOW HAS NOBODY FUCKING REALIZED THAT I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO MISS AN ENTIRE THIRD OF THE MANGA IN THE CODING PROCESS

DO YOU SERIOUSLY BLINDLY LOVE ME THIS MUCH

I honest-to-God thought the manga went from "Do you want to be my friend" to "You peed on me!" in one page.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Delcat wrote:

HEY HOW HAS NOBODY FUCKING REALIZED THAT I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO MISS AN ENTIRE THIRD OF THE MANGA IN THE CODING PROCESS

DO YOU SERIOUSLY BLINDLY LOVE ME THIS MUCH

I honest-to-God thought the manga went from "Do you want to be my friend" to "You peed on me!" in one page.

So did I. Manga tend to be pretty incoherent to begin with and the ridiculous plot just made this one more likely to make no sense.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Delcat wrote:

HEY HOW HAS NOBODY FUCKING REALIZED THAT I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO MISS AN ENTIRE THIRD OF THE MANGA IN THE CODING PROCESS

DO YOU SERIOUSLY BLINDLY LOVE ME THIS MUCH

I honest-to-God thought the manga went from "Do you want to be my friend" to "You peed on me!" in one page.

Considering Sadahiro's track record, I would be utterly unsurprised if this was indeed the case. Agnus Dei goes from Wifey plotting evil while Hisoka chops wood to LOLHAIRAPE in the span of two panels.

Woop woop.