What the Guys Think - Azumangah Daioh LOLSNORE from one of our own

Hello, hello. While poking around AFF.net totally not reading porn, I came across a fic that manages to be both lolarious and completely fucking boring ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Sit back, get some cocktail sticks to prop your eyelids open, and be amazed at the hilaritedium of What the Guys Think.

It’s an Azumangah Daioh fanfic, and I’ve never even heard of the source material, so the fact I’m reviewing it at all should tell you something right away. It starts thusly:

Quote :

Interesting concept; it’s always fun to write major canon happenings from the POV of background characters. Too bad the execution looks like this:

Quote :: "We need someone else in the group. Miss Yukari tends to focus her attention too much on the girls." Zaza said.

"Yukari-sensei scares me a bit." Don said.

"Well, I think i's due to her not finding her prince charming." Muo said. "She seems a bit frustrated romantically."

"Great. My teacher can't find the right guy for her so she takes it out on us." Don said.

"Oh, she doesn't do it that often, fortunately." Yoro said.

"Well, things should be better in P.E. We have Miss Kurosawa for that." Zaza said.

In P.E. class, they changed and warmed up. While they did this, Don checked out the girls.

"So, looking at the girls, are we?" Muo asked.

"Well, can you blame me?" Don asked in return.

"Not really. Some of them are pretty hot." Zaza said.

"So who do you think is the hottest?" Don asked.

"Kagura-chan, naturally. She's got a very hard body." Muo said.

"Eh, she's nice, but Yomi-chan is hotter." Zaza said.

"She's cute, but Sakaki-chan is definitely the hottest." Yoro said.

"Hmm. Well, I'll be sure to let you take them on." Don said.

Zzzzz… *snork* wha? Oh! Fic.

When writing dialogue, it’s always good to augment each exchange with one or two lines of description. Not only does it help to set the mood, it also keeps the readers from falling asleep and drooling all over their keyboards. Think about movies, television shows, books. A group of characters standing there yammering back and forth is boring unless you inject some drama into the scene. This fic fails spectacularly to do so.

I forgot to mention, there’s another Author’s Note at the start of the fic.

Quote :: Also, I think I made the sex scenes a bit too unrealistic. Practice safe sex in real life, won't you?

Hmm. Let’s leave the quartet of boys to their dull yapping and creepy assessments of all the girls and get to the sex scenes.

Quote :: They took off their clothing and saw each other naked for the first time. Zaza was in awe of Yomi's hot bod naked in front of him. He saw that her ample chest was the result of good genetics, and not some surgeon's tool. Zaza then pulled Yomi close and felt her tight gash.

‘Gash’.

ARE YOU HARD AND WET YET EVERYONE

Quote :: He felt like he stuffed his dick into a pinhole

SO SEXY I’M TOUCHING MYSELF RIGHT NOW

There are two block paragraphs of this, and get used to the format – guy and girl “see each other naked for the first time”, finger each other a little, sixty-nine, and then penis in vagina with optional position change – because it’s repeated twice over the next four chapters, practically word for word except with worse and worse euphemisms for everyone’s bits. Féachaigí:

Chapter 2 wrote:: Yoro took the hint and parted Sakaki's lower lips with his fingers, and placed his tongue on her sweet crack. The taste was more addictive than crack and had no bad side effects. […] Just when he felt ready, he turned around and shoved his hard love spear deep inside her tight love cave. […]She went up and down on him hard, her luscious tits bouncing like two big rubber balls.

[/font][font=Verdana]Chapter 3 wrote:: he felt up her copious breast with one hand and stroked her hot gash with the other. […]He eagerly completed this 69 and placed his tongue on her hot crack.[…] Kagura moaned as Muo thrusted his battering ram of love deep inside her eager beaver.[…] Now he was on top of her, driving his hard stick deep inside her tunnel of pleasure.

And each time, just for the ultimate cop-out, it’s all a sexy dream.

The rest of the fic is just the boys yapping on and on and ON about which of the girls they want to end up with, but the occasional line slips through. Don talks about how much he wants Chiyo, who I gather is fourteen:

Quote :: "She's only 4 years younger than I am." Don said. "And she's yet to hit puberty. She'll have a nice rack by the time she's 18."

GRODY. There’s also a nice long gobbit wherein Tomo (who all the boys hate because she’s a loudmouth and a bitch, apparently) is humiliated for being a talkative woman:

Quote :: "What do you mean I talk too much!? I do not talk too much! If anything, I don't talk enough! You don't know what you're talking about!" Tomo said.

"Oh really?" Miss Yukari, who had enough of this said. She pulled out a stopwatch.

"I'll time you. If you can stay quiet for one minute, you'll be excused from your next turn to clean the classroom. If you don't, I'll excuse Muo-kun and you'll have to take his place when his next turn arrives." Miss Yukari said.

"That would be this afternoon, by the way." Muo said.

"All right, you're on! I'll be as quiet as a temple mouse!" Tomo said.

She held her tongue for a whopping 20 seconds before she spoke. Miss Yukari rolled her eyes at this.

"Utterly predictable." Yoro said.

"No, wait! I wasn't ready! Gimme another chance!" Tomo said.

"You could have a hundred chances and you'd just blow them all." Zaza said.

"That's not true! I can be quiet if I want!" Tomo said.

"Well Tomo, it's against my better judgment, but fine, I'll give you a second chance." Miss Yukari said.

This time, Tomo lasted 15 seconds before flapping her mouth again. Everyone rolled their eyes at her. Tomo then realized that she may just be a loudmouth after all.

The character-bashing is so blatant that I don’t need to know who Tomo is or what she’s like in canon to tell that the author fucking hates her. She’s also the only girl the boys don’t lust after. In the epilogue she shows up at the class reunion with a husband and everyone pities him, shackled to a lip-flapping loudmouth who won’t shut her yap, etc. LOVELY.

Quote :: "I ... Found out Sakaki was a lez." Yoro said. "She's got a girlfriend."

"Damn! A babe that hot shouldn't be a dyke!" Zaza said.

Delightful. Later Yoro has a wet dream about her, and takes it as a sign that they are Meant To Be.

There’s more, much more, involving a male teacher being a creep, a cat biting someone, and other bullshit, but it’s so fucking boring and I’m all out of Red Bull. I dare you to read it without scrolling through the long tracts of “then Dexter said”-style dialogue.

Fapmaster Join date : 2009-06-10

Is it sad that I guessed who the author was as soon as I read the title?

Azumanga Daioh is too good for you, quamp.

Shitgobbling pissdrinker Join date : 2009-06-10 Age : 35

Chiyo actually starts the series at age 10 and ends it at age 12. :pedo:

Thank you so much, quamp, for sharing youzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *snort* wait what was I saying?

Gash and crack. ~*~SEXY~*~

Damn those sex scenes are soooooo hot.

Next time I'm in bed with a girl, I'll tell her to suck my "love spear", I bet she'll cum right on the spot.

Miss Prince wrote:: Chiyo actually starts the series at age 10 and ends it at age 12. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

...there's no emoticon that adequately represents the face I'm making right now.

I think it's interesting that "crack" in this fic means the vulva and not, y'know, the crack.

Other people got there before me, but yeah, Chiyo is a lot younger than 14. How the frak anyone could deduce the probability of her having "a great rack" by age 18 without actual clairvoyance is beyond me.

I remember the author of Errant Story had some choice comments about Azumanga Daioh doujinshi, which probably applies to fanfic as well. One was that they were all about one of two things: one of the girls turning out to have a penis, or Chiyo being brutally raped.

Oh, hey, I remember this one. Quamp, you lovable scamp!

I'll just let one of the commenters from that post play us off:

Quote :: Dick went in a pinhole I know I know I know it's serious...

The teacher looks like a fucking cadaver.

Jeebus! He's got ton of fanfic there and all of them are some anime fantasies(probably utterly boring as well). His profile actually reminds me of his posting back in the Green GAFF. So boring that it could be considered as spamming.

Quote :: There’s also a nice long gobbit wherein Tomo (who all the boys hate because she’s a loudmouth and a bitch, apparently)

Quote :

All of those things are actually canon in this series.

Of course, in the real world, some boys like "loudmouth bitches".

Miss Prince wrote:: Chiyo actually starts the series at age 10 and ends it at age 12. :pedo:

Thank you so much, quamp, for sharing youzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *snort* wait what was I saying?

Gash and crack. ~*~SEXY~*~

Excuse me, I think you mean ~*~TEH SMECKSY~*~

*stands and applauds*

Have I told you lately that I love you, Wulfie?

You crack me up, little buddy! Join date : 2009-06-03

QUAMP YOU SICK FUCK SHE'S 10

Edit: lol so are you going to write shitty Yotsuba&! fapfic next? I'M SURE SHE'LL GROW UP TO HAVE A GREAT RACK

But where's the guilty person to this crime.

Oh yeah, he's too boring to even show up before the judges and defend himslef.

Knight of the Bleach Join date : 2009-06-10

Cyberwulf wrote:: When writing dialogue, it’s always good to augment each exchange with one or two lines of description. Not only does it help to set the mood, it also keeps the readers from falling asleep and drooling all over their keyboards. Think about movies, television shows, books. A group of characters standing there yammering back and forth is boring unless you inject some drama into the scene. This fic fails spectacularly to do so.

A bit of disagreement, here: I think that can work if the dialog is actually interesting. Wink

However, we're talking about this fic, so disregard what I said above. What the Guys Think - Azumangah Daioh LOLSNORE from one of our own 611762

Quote :: Also, I think I made the sex scenes a bit too unrealistic.

Wow, ya think? What the Guys Think - Azumangah Daioh LOLSNORE from one of our own 611762

Quote :: He felt like he stuffed his dick into a pinhole

Wouldn't that, like, really hurt for the guy as well as the girl?

Chapter 2 wrote:: Yoro took the hint and parted Sakaki's lower lips with his fingers, and placed his tongue on her sweet crack.

Note to author: women do not store Halloween candies and after-lunch snacks inside their snatches.

Quote :: The taste was more addictive than crack and had no bad side effects.

That's what the dealer told you, huh? Just wait. You'll be a hardcore addict in no time, robbing houses and stealing the purses from little old ladies just to support your shameful addiction to pussy. Pretty soon you'll drop dead, foaming at the mouth in some back alley after you took a pure hit of lady bits.

Quote :: Just when he felt ready, he turned around and shoved his hard love spear deep inside her tight love cave. […]She went up and down on him hard, her luscious tits bouncing like two big rubber balls.

Yeah. *suppressed snorts of laughter* They're totally real, bro. What the Guys Think - Azumangah Daioh LOLSNORE from one of our own 611762

Mally wrote:

Quote :: He felt like he stuffed his dick into a pinhole

Wouldn't that, like, really hurt for the guy as well as the girl?

It depends. If his dick is the size of a pin, it would work out quite nicely.

Quote :: The taste was more addictive than crack and had no bad side effects.

Poon: The Wonderdrug.

This is actually the best thing quamp has ever done. At least in the sense that it's the only thing he's ever done that has resulted in SOME amusement.

Actually, it's the only thing he's done worthy of any note at all.

Given the quality of what I wrote in the past, it would probably be thoroughly hypocritical to make jokes here. Luckily, I am a thorough hypocrite.

Quote :: He was a transfer from Kobe and spoke with a faint Kansai accent.

"I don't think we're in Kansai anymore, Toto-san".

Quote :: he touched her mountains,

"There's milk in them thar hills!"

Quote :: He saw that her ample chest was the result of good genetics, and not some surgeon's tool.

By which I am sure he means scalpel, not a euphemism.

Quote :: she felt very full from his hard tool.

Oh... well, maybe it was then.

Quote :: one look into her eyes showed Zaza she was enjoying things as much as he was.

"Still awake!"

Quote :: "Well, I'm sick of the girls always hogging the spotlight. When I ask a question, it NEVER gets answered because of that bimbo Tomo." Muo said. "She's always interrupting everyone with her shit."

Quamp, was this bit maybe inspired by a Anime Con Q&A session where the Cat-Girls shouted louder than you?

Quote :: Yoro got a warm feeling holding this hot vixen close to himself.

Did it just get furry in here?

Quote :: "Mmm... I just can't keep my hands off a set of hot buns." Sakaki said.

The Baker barred her a moment later.

WAIT WAIT WAIT

WAIT

WAIT

...QUAMP HAS THE SAME BIRTHDAY AS ME?

:unskilled78:

Seule wrote:: WAIT WAIT WAIT

WAIT

WAIT

...QUAMP HAS THE SAME BIRTHDAY AS ME?

:unskilled78:

You are doomed to ETERNAL BORINESS AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

Hot and Botherer Join date : 2009-06-10

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

Mally wrote:

Quote :: He felt like he stuffed his dick into a pinhole

Wouldn't that, like, really hurt for the guy as well as the girl?

It depends. If his dick is the size of a pin, it would work out quite nicely.

Are you speaking from experience? Oh wait- you don't have any.

Knorg wrote:: Given the quality of what I wrote in the past, it would probably be thoroughly hypocritical to make jokes here.

[obligatory disagreement here]

1. This was already reported to GAFF just before it went down. This goes in golden oldies.
2. I'm not perfect, and as being a human, I'm going to screw up now and then. If you can't handle that, GET OVER IT.

quamp wrote:: 1. This was already reported to GAFF just before it went down. This goes in golden oldies.

Don't flatter yourself, hon.

Quote :: 2. I'm not perfect, and as being a human, I'm going to screw up now and then. If you can't handle that, GET OVER IT.

I love how you think this is all about us being so disappointed in you for not being perfect. You wrote a shitty fic that we think is shit and have said is shit. GET OVER IT.

quamp wrote:: 1. This was already reported to GAFF just before it went down. This goes in golden oldies.
2. I'm not perfect, and as being a human, I'm going to screw up now and then. If you can't handle that, GET OVER IT.

Feeble.

Shitgobbling pissdrinker Join date : 2009-06-10

HE DIDN'T WRITE THESE FICS FOR THE LIKES OF YOU!

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