I dunno that much about space or scientfical logic (NOW WITH MORE WEIRD AND NIL)

The name of the 'Fic is Beyond Amazement.
And believe you me, the ignorance of the fandom practiced here is on the realm of fitting the title.
The fandom is Star Trek, the Original Series.
Nihilist and I are doing the snark. I will be Red, Nihilist will be Blue.
It'll mostly be Nihilist, 'cause he's funnier than me.

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A/N: This is my first Star Trek fanfiction and I just became a Star Trek fan and I dunno that much about space or scientfical logic, so I'm going to try to write this story to the fullest of my knowledge so please be gentle.

Alarm bells are going off all over the place. New fan? Hit or miss. "I dunno that much about space or scientifical logic"? That just makes me laugh. Not only does that scream "I don't care," it also shows that the author likely doesn't realize that it's not really that logical. At least make the nonsense fit the fandom.

But this is completely off the wall- this fic has a self-insert that would belong in movies such as "Legally Blonde" or "The Girl Next Door". You know these films. She's going to be hot- she's going to be covered in pink accessories- and she can hold more cum than a tank could hold whales. Her mere presence is going to metaphorically remove everyone's brain with a melon-baller.

Well, at least it's canon. Kind of.

Because having your clothes destroyed is, like, totally worse than your cousin dying!

Nihilist! You have to draw a pic of this bloody, half-crazed, pink monstrosity shaking the bejezuz out of Kirk.

MYTHANDARIEL COMMANDS YOU!! Please?

Oh what rich veins of fail... I'll just do the first two chapters because Skillet and Nihilist are "officially" doing it.
I should advise anyone reading this to remove all sharp objects from the room - it's suicide inducingly bad.

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‘’This is ridiculous’’ a tall girl with long layered brown hair with streaks of pink peeping out throughout her hair, exclaimed into the mouth piece of her pink phone.
‘’Ma’m I need you to calm down’’ the middle aged woman’s voice came on the other end.
‘’No I will not, my cousin called me and left this number and you will let me speak to him’’ she exclaimed some more.

"Excuse me, I have to terminate this call."

The concept of phones on a starship. Oh dear. If she's going to apply 20th/21st century telecommunications to it, why not dial his mobile? No coverage in space?
Do you know, I can just see Captain Picard calling Engineering. "Mr. Barclay? I was looking for Mr. LaForge? I did dial 6274 didn't I?"
"Y-yes... he's just on another call... c-c-can I take a message for him, or do you want to hold?"
"It's kind of important. Tell him we'll all die if we don't have warp power in 20 seconds..."

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‘I could always liberally get into a car accident and have to be rushed to the hospital, that’ll work.

Because getting into a car accident in a right wing fashion just won't cut it.

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They made it to the Federation ship as Steven stood proudly, he wasn’t captain or anything but he was still proud to be onboard the ship.

...as Chief Petty Officer responsible for cleaning the toilets.

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Steven walked into his quarters where he found Bluebelle since they were sharing the room.

cough*incest*cough

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‘’Sure’’ she said as they both walked over to the transporter room and where she officially got to meet the captain.

She had unofficially met him in the rec room earlier in the trip where he'd tried to feel her up and had to be removed by security.

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They were down on the planet for two days enjoying there time hanging out with old friends and having some drinks when the captain got an urgent message from the ship

She & her cousin just happens to have "old friends" on the planet the ship was going to. And two days having drinks? Obviously Starfleet have put the Excalibur on detached duty.

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’I scanned the planet and I didn’t get any living form but there is an indication that there possibly might be’’ Spock said since the signal was very faint.

I can totally imagine Spock getting his sentence structure that tangled, can't you?

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‘’I remember the alien, it was horrible. It was slashing people to death one by one, its claws would penetrate into there abdomens as it would rip them apart and its sharp teeth would be digging into the neck or chest, and then…’’

"It was an alien... a horrible one. It absolutely wasn't me and I'm definitely not a mass-murderer."

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This is not how I planned my vacation, if my cousin wasn’t already dead I’ll kill him just for making me come out here and now I’m stuck here with you guys’’ she said as if it was the worst thing she ever experienced.

I don't get this, does the author actually want us to view her Sue as a spoilt brat.

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‘’I’m Bluebelle’’ she stated still looking up at the screen.
‘’Bluebelle, that’s a interesting and pretty name’’ Kirk said ‘’does it mean anything?’’

Kirk normally mantains his professionalism for at least two lines of dialogue before trying to get up on people..
.

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She painfully moved onto her side as the contents in her stomach became on the floor.

They just teleported themselves there.

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‘’Not to good Jim, she just had a seizure and her vitals are dangerously low

I think we're best to just pull the plug"
"I see. Go ahead."

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‘’I also cant seem to figure out what this pink stuff is in her hair, it seems that it wont come out’’
‘’That’s part of my hair’’ Bluebelle said as the two men jumped back ‘’I dyed it pink’’

McCoy's never heard of hair dye before. Oh dear...

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All they want to do is suck up money from sick people, it disgusts me’’ she said with a look of disgust on her face.

A money-based economy doesn't exist on earth in Star Trek.
A money-based economy doesn't exist on earth in Star Trek.
A money-based economy doesn't exist on earth in Star Trek.
A money-based economy doesn't exist on earth in Star Trek.
A money-based economy doesn't exist on earth in Star Trek.
A money-based economy doesn't exist on earth in Star Trek.
A money-based economy doesn't exist on earth in Star Trek.
A money-based economy doesn't exist on earth in Star Trek.
A money-based economy doesn't exist on earth in Star Trek.
*cyanide pills*

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‘’Did you need anything Scotty?’’
‘’Oh yes doctor, I was wondering if you had a spare cup of Brandi for me’’

Er...

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‘’Wait a minute, you guys have alcohol on this ship?’’ Bluebelle asked as the two men slowly nodded there head ‘’and your holding out on me’’
Bluebelle hoped of the bed as she slowly made her way to there sides.

"Aye, Doctor McCoy, d'ya not think that this lass may not be in the right shape for Brandy?"
"... nah. She'll be fine.

You know what would be hilarious? If this was a deliberate trollfic for the badfic challenge. Or is that over now? idk.

19 chapters looks like too much effort for that to me.

EDIT: Wasn't that restricted to posting fics on FF.net anyway?

You know, the Federation constantly says there's no money-based economy on Earth, but I'd really like to know what their economy is based on.

Nice sporking, Gentlemen.

We had a long discussion in the Star Dreck thread in the Movies forum about the sort-of post-scarcity economy the Federation has. Basically, IIRC, everyone gets a bunch of credits to use for replicating stuff and transporting around, and if they want more, they can get a useful job. I would guess that (for example) Joseph Sisko doesn't charge people money to eat in his restaurant, because he doesn't need to. (Though I would guess that there's a limit on how much you can eat so he doesn't run out of ingredients early in the evening.)

The implication is that it runs on the milk of human kindness and desire to improve ourselves.

I do find that ever so slightly unbelievable. Let's say I'm a brilliant brain surgeon and a lousy historian. I'd prefer to be a historian, but with money there's a much greater chance I'll be a brain surgeon and society will get the benefit.

Simplistic, but I think you can see what I'm getting at. Also, suppose someone just wants to sit on their arse?

Hot Cancer wrote:

I do find that ever so slightly unbelievable. Let's say I'm a brilliant brain surgeon and a lousy historian. I'd prefer to be a historian, but with money there's a much greater chance I'll be a brain surgeon and society will get the benefit.

But what if you're a lousy brain surgeon and a brilliant historian? Or, to make it a bit more plausible, a lousy cardiologist and a brilliant general practitioner? Following the money tends to lead people into the professions or specialties that are the most lucrative, not necessarily the ones in which they would be most beneficial.

The story seems to be the product of a spoiled teen (or tween) girl trying to write about what she thinks life as an adult is like, and getting it wrong in ways she won't even begin to comprehend until she's on her own some day.

I should thank her, though, because my day has basically sucked, and she made me laugh so hard I got dizzy. I needed that. (the laughing, not the dizziness)

I think you would (based on someone's explanation in the Star Dreck thread) get paid to be a brilliant brain surgeon, so there are incentives for people to do *useful* work. Whether a brilliant historian would get paid as much as a brilliant brain surgeon is unclear. It's if you want to be a special creative snowflake that you have to do it out of sheer joy and altruism, I think. This might explain why most of the cultural stuff in the Federation, holodeck programs included, is from the 20th century or earlier, or based on it.

I have to agree about the skewed teenage/tweenage view of adult life...fics like this annoy me so much, because it doesn't require adult life experience to realize that life on a Federation starship (or whatever) is not like that: all they have to do is watch the damn series. (Although the new movie could arguably give them the wrong idea...)

Edit: Also, if you don't know or like 'space or scientifical logic', why watch Star Trek in the first place? Yeah, yeah, for the pretty people. But you can get that in any movie or TV series (especially nowadays). You, non-nerd, out of my fandom!

Edit2: OH SWEET MERCIFUL FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER. I checked the author's AFF page so I could get at the reviews for this fic, and she has another fic. In what fandom? MR. BEAN. A Mr. Bean lemon (well, not yet, as far as I can see - it seems to consist of rehashes of entire episodes in Wall of Text horror, but the summary promises BDSM). Never has Rule 34 seemed so true.

A Mr. Bean BDSM?

My childhood hath been drawn, quartered and reassembled to look like the Eiffel Tower on fire.

As I say, I can't find any actual BDSM in it yet, it's just badly written snoozeworthy crap with rehashes of things that happened in actual episodes of Mr. Bean, with a self-insert Sue observing. I may spork it properly at some point.

The space station parking lot really got me and then I couldn't stop laughing.

Maybe I should sleep more.

Also, about the money-based economy thing, I think that once Earth developed technology sufficient enough that most menial jobs could be run by computers or machines (garbage collection, construction, hell, even surgery could theoretically be completely automated, given Star Trek's wildly impossible technology), and limitations on resources faded away (with the ability to travel to the far reaches of the galaxy and take their stuff), the need for an economy faded to a certain degree. I figure that the Federation made a certain number of years of labor mandatory, working in the government sector, as a doctor, or some such thing (similar to how some countries have a certain mandatory number of years in the military, though the tenure would obviously be longer) and they gave huge benefits to people who worked on a semi-permanent basis (especially in Starfleet and other government-run programs).

...that is until they came in prolonged direct contact with the Ferengi, who slowly transformed it back into a money-based economy, at least on most off-world settlements.

Of course, I just came up with that off the top of my head and I already said I should be sleeping more.

NB: this is primarily the wit of your admin, Nihilist. He's just better at this than I.

Chapter 2

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Bluebelle suddenly woke up as her upper body jerked her up and she became in a seated position. She suddenly gasped in pain as she clutched her side and felt a bandaging around her waist. She looked around the unfamiliar place as she sat on the bed beneath her.

A lobotomized, robotic Doctor McCoy enters.

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‘’Your awake’’ he stated as she tensed up.
‘’Who are you? Where am I?’’ she asked frantically.
‘’Calm down’’ he stated walking over to her ‘’Lay back down I don’t need your blood pressure go up any higher’’ he said placing his hand on her arm as she laid down.

This has been a public service announcement from Chicago's finest to remind everyone not to abuse punctuation. Abusing punctuation is just as bad as putting cocaine in salami. CRIME NEVER PAYS.

In the meantime, Kirk enters, just as robotic, just as ARGH KILL ME NOW.

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‘’Good she’s awake’’ he stated as well.
‘’Hey your that guy that found me on that planet’’ she said starting to sit up again but didn’t since the pain was unbearable.
‘’Yes I am, can you remember anything that happened?’’ he asked coming closer to her.

"No."
"Good." [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

She then goes on about how it was tearing redshirts apart like it was free nachos night at the bar. Don't insult the alien's taste- it's a bit of a miser.

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‘’Yes we get the point’’ Kirk said as he looked at McCoy.
‘’It tried to do the same to me but I wasn’t having it, I’m on my vacation I’m not going to be killed by some ugly alien. This is not how I planned my vacation, if my cousin wasn’t already dead I’ll kill him just for making me come out here and now I’m stuck here with you guys’’ she said as if it was the worst thing she ever experienced.

After a few more lines of dialogue...

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‘’I’m Bluebelle’’ she stated still looking up at the screen.
‘’Bluebelle, that’s a interesting and pretty name’’ Kirk said ‘’does it mean anything?’’
‘’Yes’’ she said tearing her eyes away from the screen as she dug into her pocket and toke out a little bell that was blue ‘’this bell has been passed down generations and generations of my family, my grandmother died when my mother was just ten and this bell was the last thing she gave my mom so it means a lot to my mom so that’s why she named me Bluebelle’’ she explained.

D[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] What bothers me about this kind of thing is that if she valued an object so much, it might have been a good idea to leave it at home because you know, things tend to get lost or stolen, or washed in the laundry. Bluebelle's a retarded name anyway.

What's funny is how Kirk just seems to ignore it and go WELL I AM JAMES T. KIRK AND THIS IS LEONARD MCCOY. I AM AWESOME. It makes me grin.

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‘’Wait your James Kirk’’ she said pointing at him.
‘’Yes I am’’ he confirmed.
‘’The captain of the U.S.S Enterprise?’’ she asked as if she didn’t believe him.
‘’Yes my cousin wouldn’t stop talking about you, he like worshiped you or something. He said his lifetime dream was to meet you but you know how that ended. He mentioned like your some kind of celebrity’’ Kirk smiled as he looked at McCoy with a smug grin.

Hell, at least it's very much in-character, if only for this one fleeting moment of lulz. But I don't get how he can be talking to her, yet looking at McCoy smugly. But thinking about it is really pretty funny-

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‘’Did he, I’m very flattered’’
‘’I assume you’re my doctor’’ she said to McCoy.
‘’Yes I am, Jim she really needs to rest her blood pressure is going up’’

"Then we should drop her off at the nearest starbase, McCoy. A Starship is no place for someone whose blood pressure affects their performance. Look at me- I am under pressure all the time. Do you think I need to rest? No! I can't rest, I have to fuck half the universe- you know what I mean, exploring strange new worlds and all."

"Jim, you don't mean to tell me that you want this joke of a character off on a starbase? I kept her around because I thought you were trying to, you know, fuck half the universe. Might as well get started."

"Nah," Kirk sighed. "I think she's all style and no substance- I thought I had no standards until I ran into her. Make that half the universe minus one."

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‘’Alright, you have a nice rest’’ Kirk said before walking out.
‘’How is this screen monitoring me, I see no wires plugged in me anywhere’’
‘’It has a sensor’’ he stated she was about to say something when a wave of sickness came over her.
She painfully moved onto her side as the contents in her stomach became on the floor.

I thought for a minute that her guts spilled out onto the floor, but no, she merely vomited. and then apologized for puking up a storm in sick bay. McCoy injects her with morphine something to help with the vomiting, and she falls asleep. Morphine will do that.

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Bluebelle slowly opened her groggy eyes but she shot up as high as she could go from the sight she was seeing.

I see she's been studying the Turkish Star Wars school of baddie fighting.
Boing!

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‘’Steven’’ she whispered as she saw her cousin standing before her. He smiled down at her as he disappeared and in his place the vicious alien stood there snarling at her, she screamed as she tried to get up but didn’t have the strength and fell to the ground.

"Quick- act like a damsel in distress! Maybe I'll get laid!"

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McCoy rushed into the room hearing her scream and stood in terror as he saw Bluebelle on the ground seizuring.

"Whoops, a bit too distressed."

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There wasn’t much he could do but just wait for it to be over, when she was finished he placed her back onto the bed, and injected her with some medication.
At that moment Kirk walked in.
‘’How is she doing?’’ he asked.
‘’Not to good Jim, she just had a seizure and her vitals are dangerously low’’ he stated injecting her some more but it didn’t seem to make a difference.

"And by the way, Jim, why the hell do you even care?"

"I uh, it's my duty, I suppose."

"Get back on the bridge for chrissakes." McCoy was exasperated.

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‘’I also cant seem to figure out what this pink stuff is in her hair, it seems that it wont come out’’
‘’That’s part of my hair’’ Bluebelle said as the two men jumped back ‘’I dyed it pink’’

McCoy, after all his experience, has never witnessed pink hair dye before in his entire life. He whipped out a pair of scissors and cut it off in the name of science.

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‘’How are you feeling?’’ McCoy asked shocked that she was awake.
‘’I dunno’’ she said staring at the ceiling as she told the both of them of what she just saw.
‘’Well the alien did deeply penetrate you and bite you, it might of injected some kind of poison’’

"Poison, in my vagina? It's more likely than you think."

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‘’Poison?’’ she asked painfully sitting up ‘’am I going to die?’’
‘’I’m not sure yet I’ll have to run some more test on you’’ as McCoy walked off into his lab and Kirk walked close to Bluebelle.

"Jim, test her vagina for poison."

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‘’McCoy is our best medical officer, your in good hands’’ he said as he placed his hand on top of hers.
‘’Thank you’’ she said looking down as her cheeks turned a light red.

"Now if you don't mind, Bluebelle, I'm going to test you for poison. Brb, getting a condom."

<20 minutes later>

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‘’When you get well, I will give you a tour of this spacecraft, since you are from earth’’
‘’I was in that federation ship but all I saw was my quarters, I didn’t travel through the ship very often, but I would enjoy that captain’’ she said with a smile.
He smiled back as he walked out of the room.

Bluebelle did not know it, but now she had 10,463 alien STDs coursing through her bloodstream. Which would be better, poison, or 10,463 alien STDs?

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Bluebelle laid back down cursing her wound on her abdomen for keeping her on this bed.

Haha, in bed. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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A week had passed as McCoy was trying his hardest to see if he could find an antidote for the poison 10,463 alien STDs but he wasn’t having much luck.
But Bluebelle’s wound healed nicely and she was working on walking.
The nurse was at her side as she helped Bluebelle get on her feet.
‘’What’s your name?’’ Bluebelle asked.
‘’Christine’’
‘’You like working here?’’
‘’Yes I do, we get interesting cases almost everyday’’

Nurse Chapel smiled coyly. "And you, you have to be one of the most interesting Mary Sues we've had on board the Enterprise in quite a while."

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‘’Like mine’’
‘’Yes’’ the nurse said letting go of Bluebelle’s hands ‘’McCoy is a very good doctor he has cured a lot of cases’’

"He can cure most anything except for Mary Sue-itis. You're going to have to wait until Voyager for the Federation to have the technology to overcome such a debilitating disease."

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‘’Its nice to have a good doctor these days, most doctors don’t even care. All they want to do is suck up money from sick people, it disgusts me’’ she said with a look of disgust on her face.

Uh, eight years of medical school plus four years of residency in what would be considered low-paying for a doctor.... yeah, it's a labor of love. Blame the insurance companies instead. And you should know, Bluebelle. You're a nurse.

I should also point out that "we" don't use money any more, rendering it impossible to "suck up money from sick people."

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‘’You have had experiences before?’’ Christine asked, she would be furious by this as well.
‘’Yes I work with a dozen of them, you see I’m the head nurse in my department’’ Bluebelle said starting to walk across the room with slight pain.

Uh, IIRC nursing is a labor of love too. Nurse Chapel rolls her eyes and helps Bluebelle back into bed.

"Sheesh, what an immature young lady!"

Scotty then comes, in a fit of OOC-ness, and tries to get a piece of the action!

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‘’Hello miss, I didn’t know we had a lady on board’’ the man said with a smile as McCoy walked back in the room.
‘’Wow is this ship filled with hot guys’’ she said looking at the both of them, the two men gave each other a look.

"McCoy, yer eyebrows are damn sexy, like two caterpillars crawling up a wall in lovely Aberdeen!"

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The man in the red shirt walked up to Bluebelle and toke her hand into his as he gently kissed her small knuckles.
‘’My name is Scotty’’ he said with a Scottish accent.
‘’I’m Bluebelle’’ she said as her cheeks turned a deep red this time.

Oh, Scotty's getting some action! That's pretty rare. But I've been around the bend on LJ and found out that people want Simon Pegg to (pardon the pun) peg them, but this is James Doohan. A little bit rarer, I see. I feel kind of happy for him- fondling something that isn't machinery or a technical manual.... too bad it's her.

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‘’it’s a pleasure to meet you Bluebelle, I’m the head engineer’’
‘’Ah so you’re a mechanic?’’ she asked.
‘’Yes you could say that’’
‘’I love mechanics’’ she stated as the both them were gazing at each other and Scotty still had her hand up to his mouth.

"Mmm, tastes like chicken!"

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McCoy walked up to the both of them.
‘’Did you need anything Scotty?’’
‘’Oh yes doctor, I was wondering if you had a spare cup of Brandi for me’’

"What size cup do you want your Brandi to have?"

"Has to have big'uns, Doctor!"

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’Right this way’’ McCoy said with a smile.
‘’Wait a minute, you guys have alcohol on this ship?’’ Bluebelle asked as the two men slowly nodded there head ‘’and your holding out on me’’ Bluebelle hoped of the bed as she slowly made her way to there sides.

Bluebelle was all better and eager to go bar-hopping across the universe. Next up: Girls Gone Wild- IN SPACE.

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‘’Lead the way’’ she said as Scotty put his arm around her shoulders.
‘’I think we’re going to become good friends’’ Scotty replied.
‘’Yes I think so too’’ Bluebelle slipped her arm around his waist as they made it where the alcohol was.

This does not bode well.[/quote]

Chapter 3

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The next morning Bluebelle woke up a little extra groggy from the drinking she did the previous night.

Oh man, why did I drink all of that tequila? And why does my ass hurt?

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She sat up as she realized that she could move more flexible and a little faster.

More flexible, eh?

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She got off the bed and glanced at the scanner and noticed the screen was completely blank. She looked a little confused as she got back on the bed and the screen lit up with her vital signs being monitored.
She then started to hop on and off the bed seeing the screen turn on and off and on and off.
McCoy walked in the room seeing this sight before him.
‘’What are you doing?’’ he asked her.
‘’This is amazing’’ she said climbing onto the bed looking at McCoy ‘’its like magic’’

So this chick has the mentality of a ten-year-old. Got it.

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Soon the doors suddenly opened as a man with a blue shirt walked inside, Bluebelle stared at him a little longer then she should have. He had short black hair, his eyebrows were weirdly slanted up, and he had pointed ears.

Gee, I wonder who that could be?
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Hm... No
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Eh, no.

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‘’I’m Spock’’

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Oh, that guy

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‘’I’m Bluebelle’’ she said

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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‘’The captain is in the transporter room awaiting for your presence and hers’’
‘’What are you talking about? She’s not going anywhere’’ McCoy asked starting to lose his patience.

Okay, so I understand why McCoy would be paying attention to her, but why Spock? Oh yeah, ‘cause she’s a Sue.

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‘’Fine if its that important I’ll go’’ Bluebelle said with a huge sigh.

Oh, how hard it must be to be a Sue.

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As McCoy and Kirk were arguing Bluebelle noticed Scotty standing at the machinery.
‘’Hello there’’ she said walking over.
‘’Your feeling better I see’’
‘’Yes much, so you control this thing?’’ she asked looking at the machine with a whole bunch of buttons and lights.
‘’Yep I know her inside and out’’ Scotty smiled.
‘’Ah I see’’ Bluebelle smiled as she winked at him.

Oh, I bet you know her inside out.

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Kirk then tore Bluebelle away from Scotty as they were ready to beam down.

Bluebelle: N0o0o0o0o0o0o! I wanted to get to know the ship’s engineer more!

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‘’don’t worry these things are completely safe’’ Scotty then started to beam them up, Bluebelle then waved at him and blew a kiss at him. He smiled back at her as they all disappeared.

It’s love!

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After they materialized onto the planet Bluebelle suddenly fainted and thanks to McCoy’s fast reflexes he caught her.

Don’t you know that Sues are delicate flowers?

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‘’Get off of him you ugly slimy piece of alien shit’’ Bluebelle yelled as she charged at the alien with the wood in her hand and jammed it in the aliens ear as it appeared out of the other side. The alien then fell to the ground.

Now I see why she’s special. shes a pretty cool chick. she kills aliens and doesnt afraid of anything.

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‘’Are you ok?’’ Bluebelle asked Kirk as she grabbed his shoulders and lifted up his shirt

Sexy time! :strip:

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‘’He’s ok but he’s in shock’’ she said as McCoy rushed to him scanning him with his tricorder and it said exactly what Bluebelle had said.
‘’Are you a medical officer?’’ Spock asked her.
‘’I’m a nurse’’ she said as she looked back at the corpse of the alien ’’what I remember is that something had destroyed the federation ship I was on, so maybe there’s a ship floating around up there to explain where all of these aliens are coming from’’ Bluebelle said to Spock, he nodded his head as McCoy injected Jim.

Wait, how can a 10-year-old be a nurse?

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Scotty smiled as everyone started materializing back onto the ship but his smile soon faded when he saw Bluebelle fall to the ground.
‘’What happened is she ok?’’ he asked running over.
‘’Yes Scotty she’s fine, the transporter gives her motion sickness’’ McCoy explained.

I thought I already told you guys that she’s a delicate flower!

Chapter 4

She just keeps updating in ONE LONG INCREDIBLY UNBROKEN SENTENCE SO THAT NO ONE HAS A CHANCE TO INTERRUPT.

But never fear, I'm powering through this. Well, consider that maybe I'm not the one to save you from this- you know how humor is subjective and if I utter a fandom in-joke, someone's going to come in and spoil the fun. Anywho, welcome to Chapter Four. And put your pants back on.

Bluebelle is awake in sickbay, and McCoy is scanning her with his metal dildo tricorder.

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‘’This isn’t a toy’’ he stated still scanning her.

You heard the Doctor, it's not a toy or a metal dildo, it's a tricorder. Stop giving me those shifty eyes.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
McCoy: Whether I use this on myself for pleasure is my business, but nobody has to know :lolinsane:

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‘’Just let me see it, I’m not going to destroy the thing’’ she said as McCoy handing it to her with a sigh.

McCoy reluctantly handed the brat his tricorder, and she shoved it up her twat.
"Now you're going to have to fish it out."

McCoy facepalmed.

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‘’Oh my god’’ she said staring deeply at the pad ‘’this is completely amazing, you know how many lives this will save and time down on earth’’ she practically screamed.

"The way this vibrates in my cooch is just heavenly!

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‘’Yes, but I don’t think earth is ready for something like this’’ McCoy said grabbing it back.

McCoy sighed. "When Cochrane invented warp drive this vibrating metal dildo, the Orion Women sensed that it had been discovered, and they came to Earth. Many orgies were had. You are from the early 21st century, and you wouldn't be ready."

Bluebelle groaned. "READY? I AM MORE THAN READY."

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‘’I understand, please lay back down your heart rate is increasing’’
As she laid down something dawned on her ‘’oh my god’’
‘’What is it?’’ McCoy asked.

"I came."

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‘’Calm down Bluebelle. We’re on our way to earth right now’’ he said walking away.
That statement made her relax for a bit. But then she started to think if she really wanted to get off of this ship. She seemed to like everybody and she thought everyone liked her. She hates her job back on earth, the people she works with and the horrible hours.

You'd think that if she was a nurse, she'd do it because it was satisfying to help people. People in the medical profession don't tend to bitch about co-workers. The hours are bad, yes. And I don't think it's appropriate to stick the metal dildo tricorder in there.

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Even though it was a federation starship she felt more peace here, she sighed as she laid back down.
Bluebelle suddenly woke up in a seating position from a mild nightmare, she shook the dream out of her head as she realized she was still in sickbay.

Then she went back to sleep and imagined that she was in the same bed as Quamp. She screamed in horror, but Quamp was happy because she was really ten years old, if her behavior was any indication.

And +1 to me for riding on the laurels of lameness that is quamp. What's it- quampness? What is it that you kids are into these days?

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She got off the bed as she walked into the room that was connected to sickbay and saw McCoy sitting at a desk with a computer in front of him. He turned his head in response of her presence.
‘’Doctor’’ she said as she walked closer to him ‘’don’t you think I should leave sickbay, possibly have my own quarters. I feel as if I’m in the way here’’ she stated.

"Yeah, you might want to stick that up your cooch in private. Buuuuut..."

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‘’I dunno Bluebelle, I would like to keep you monitored, remember you have been injected with poison’’ Bluebelle smiled as she sat down beside him.
‘’Believe me doctor I haven’t’’ she said as she placed her hand on top of his.

SEE LOOK I DONT HAVE ANY SNAKE BITES ON MY BANDS. AND THIS ON MY NECK? IT'S JUST A HICKEY."

McCoy sighed. On her neck was the mark of a Hoover.

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Bluebelle just sat there staring at him hoping she coould read any expression he gave when suddenly the ship jerked causing Bluebelle to fall right of the bed and into McCoy’s arms.
‘’don’t worry I got you’’ he said into her ear.
‘’That was a good catch’’ she said with a smile as there faces were inches apart.

Lamest forced love scene EVER.
Bluebelle: I conveniently fell in your arms, McCoy! CONVENIENTLY.
McCoy: Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a convenience!

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They stared at each other for a while until McCoy’s communicator distracted them.
‘’McCoy here’’ he said into the gadget.

Then inconvenience. WHO WILL KEEP BLUEBELLE FROM HER ONE TRUE LOVE?

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‘’Its Kirk, I need you and Bluebelle to come up on the bridge’’ Kirk said.
‘’We’ll be right there, McCoy out’’ he said as he closed his communicator.
‘’Come on’’ he said to Bluebelle as she followed.

Of course. Yes, of course. I should have known.
aks;dljf;lk
WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE EVEN BE THERE??

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The both of them soon came onto the bridge and the first thing Bluebelle noticed was Scotty at the controls.
‘’Hey Scotty, I keep bumping into you everywhere’’ she said as he smiled at her.

Oh, I thought she said "I keep humping you everywhere."

Kirk: We found the aliens that attacked you! They don't have their minds scraped out with a melon-baller so they were better able to sense your stupidity from miles away. So uh, brb porn.

Enter McCoy, who is this story's "Mister Sensitive."

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‘’What’s wrong?’’ he asked running over to her.
‘’I need to get out of here’’ she barely whispered.
‘’Why what’s wrong?’’ she brought very shacking hands up to her head as tears started pouring down here face.

She was talking to herself. She went into an epileptic fit and drooled all over the bridge floor.
Then McCoy takes her to his quarters. Taking it a bit to far, hm?

"No, I just have to fish that tricorder out of her snatch."

Meanwhile on the bridge, Kirk and co. attack the alien ship.

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The ships phasers attacked the ship twice as good portions of the ship were missing.

Scotty: Captain, our ship, she is disappearing! We are missing both nacelles and McCoy isn't even here! I canna take much more of this bullshit!

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‘’There ship has been badly damaged’’ Mr. Sulu said ‘’there increasing there speed in the opposite direction’’ once he said that ship was gone from the screen.

‘’Its as if the ship just disappeared’’ Spock said still looking in his scanner.

They're so damaged, they're going in reverse! OPPOSITE OF PROGRESS.

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‘’I see, where is she now?’’
‘’In my quarters, she’s resting. Jim I think it might be time for her to get her own quarters’’ McCoy suggested before leaving the bridge.

"Why don't you just leave her in sickbay, Bones?"
"I'm trying to get laid. Dammit, Jim! Damn you.

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McCoy walked into his quarters as he saw Bluebelle looking at his medical certificates that were framed and hanging on his wall.
‘’Doctor these are very impressive, you know your more certified then the doctors that I work with’’ she said with amazement.

"Thank you, Bluebelle. According to my job description, I'm also a bricklayer, an escalator, a babysitter, and many other things. Today I'm going to be a fisherman."

"But aren't you a doctor?"

"The correct term would be gynecologist, but I'm bored as you can see."

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‘’Yes very much, but I feel very embarrassed’’ she said sitting on the bed putting a pillow over her face.

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‘’So these doctors you work with do you like them?’’ he asked.
‘’Well yes I kind of have to, I do like them as people but as doctors not so much. I guess we’re going through a money crisis so that’s there only goal is to get money whether the patient gets services or not’’ she said looking down at her hands ‘’I at least try to give the patient the most care I can give’’

"I'll take Failed Aesops for $800, Alex."

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‘’So I assume there’s no one back at home for you either’’ McCoy stated.
‘’Nope nobody, just me and my cat’’

"Do you pet your cat regularly?"
"Yes, but I would rather someone else pet it for a while...."

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The doors suddenly opened as Kirk walked inside and he momentarily stopped as he noticed the closeness the two were at.
‘’Excuse me if I’m interrupting anything but I believe that Bluebelle needs a cabin’’

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‘’On this computer I can see which quarters are available but I would like to let you know that my quarters are always welcomed for your stay’’ he said as Bluebelle smiled.

"HURR SLEEP WITH ME PLEASE. PLEASE? PLEASE COME ON I HAVE AN XBOX 360 IN MY QUARTERS AND WE CAN PLAY LEFT4DEAD AND STAY UP LATE AND GOSSIP ABOUT BOYS AND ORDER PIZZA AND PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE!"

Urgh. I seriously have to wonder how old this person is. This is one of the few fanfictions I`d believe was written by a ten-year-old.

The two-apostrophes-instead-of-quotation-marks thing still confuses me, especially since you can use single apostrophes instead of quotation marks in the first place.

I have been given authorization to rip away at Chapter 5

ENGAGE

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As she was just putting the last of her things away she heard a buzzing noise

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she looked around her room not sure what it was until she realized it was coming from the door.

Oh. No, not the bees.

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‘’Hello Scotty’’ she said with a smile, he smiled back as he slowly looked her up and down without trying to be too obvious, since she changed her clothes.
She was wearing a short pink tank top that showed off her belly button piercing, a good portion of cleavage, short jean shorts, and pink high heels.

“I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. ”

You fucking prep.

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‘’Thank you Scotty, but I’m fine. I’m actually terrified of space, as long as I don’t see it I’ll be ok’’ she said with a smile.

“Oh that's oka-- LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!”
“What is it?! OH MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT THERE'S EMPTY SPACE IN THIS ROOM!”
Commence cowering.

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Kirk informed Scotty that they accidentally hit an asteroid and to check for any damages.

Oh is that all? I thought you had – WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF STARSHIP CAPTAIN DOESN'T NOTICE A FIVE MILE WIDE CHUNK OF ROCK HURTLING TOWARDS HIS SHIP?

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 he then gave her a tetanus shot and a shot for the pain.

Better her being put down than Old Yeller, I'd say.

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‘’don’t worry I’m fine’’ she said sitting up ‘’this isn’t the first time I smacked my head on something’’

‘’So I take it you hurt yourself a lot?’’

‘’Yes I do I’m very clumsy, I trip over my feet all the time. Sometimes I fall even if I’m standing in one place, my equilibrium is messed up that’s why your transporter effects me so’’

That sounds awfully familiar. Oh dear, it's getting awfully dusky in here. Almost like that time between day and night. What's it called? Half-light? No, that's not quite it...

Hmm...


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‘’I like you a lot, I really do. Your very handsome, funny, and I love your accent’’

Time out for a second. It's story time, boys and girls. My grandmother was Scottish. My dad and uncle would watch Star Trek and she didn't mind the show that much – except for Scotty. Apparently his accent was so bad she could hardly stand to have the show on. HO BOY SO MUCH TO LOVE THERE.

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Bluebelle walked into her quarters and she immediately plopped on her bed

And all I could think of was a horse or a cow pooping.

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McCoy was in his quarters getting ready for bed when he started hearing screaming, he walked out of his room and noticed the screaming was coming from Bluebelle’s room.

BECAUSE THE ENTERPRISE HAS NO SECURITY EXCEPT FOR THE FORTY YEAR OLD DOCTOR WITH NO WEAPONS TRAINING. SURELY HE CAN SAVE HER FROM WHAT MUST BE AN ATTACKER AND PROBABLY NOT A MEDICAL PROBLEM. OH WAIT IT'S A MEDICAL PROBLEM.

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He crawled on the bed as he started shaking her, the harder he shook her the less screaming she did and she finally woke up.

IT'S MOTHERFUCKING DOCTORIN' TIME

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‘’For gad sakes What happened?’’ he asked her.

Man, those spacemen of the future sure have odd deities.
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‘’I think this poison I have its paralyzing, I know your trying your best to find an antidote but I’m terrified of being paralyzed’’ she said sobbing back into his arms.

‘’Wait how do you know that?’’

‘’It was in my dream, I saw my death and then that alien that attacked me it was talking to me in its language. I know it was just a dream but for some reason I feel that its real, this didn’t feel like a dream it felt like a premonition’’

‘’Alright, just go back to sleep and tomorrow we’ll inform the captain of this dream’’ he said kissing her on the forehead as he got up.

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‘’Wait, can you stay?’’ she asked, McCoy looked a bit shocked at her request but nodded.
‘’Of course’’ he said laying back down on the bed. 

STOP
DON'T TOUCH ME THERE
THIS IS MY PRIVATE SQUARE
R-A-P-E
GET THOSE HANDS AWAY FROM ME

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