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 Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey

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Lysander
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
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Lysander

Join date : 2009-06-10

Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey Empty
PostSubject: Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey   Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey EmptyThu Jun 11, 2009 2:11 pm

Here's someone who combines a bizarre fetish with pretending to be a king and political extremism.

I'm not sure how to explain this, so I'm just going to quote his wikipedia page verbatim:

Quote :
Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey (born April 2, 1964 in Elizabeth, New Jersey as John Albert Sharkey) is a self-proclaimed Satanist and professional boxer as well as wrestler (under the name Rocky "Hurricane" Flash) and perennial candidate for public office.

He has filed with the Federal Election Commission to run for President of the United States twice as an Independent candidate (in 2004[1] and in 2008[2]) and for Congress in at least three states—his home State of New Jersey (1999-2000, Republican),[3] Indiana (Reform Party, 2000)[4] and Florida (2001-02, Republican).[5] In 2006, he ran for governor of Minnesota.[6]

It is difficult to pin down definitive facts relating to Sharkey, partly because of his numerous aliases, but also due to his authorship, over time, of many autobiographical websites which have included conflicting and unsubstantiated assertions of fact. A Federal judge in Indiana has remarked about Sharkey that "his view of reality and attendant behavior is nothing less than bizarre."[7] He has proposed impaling "any one found committing an act of terrorism in Minnesota",[6] and advocates many additional unorthodox approaches to crime and other public issues.

Okay, so he's a satanist who wants to impale people to satisfy his vampire bloodlust. But what's he done lately?

Well, this and that. Got a girlfriend, bought a five-ache lot, and declared his secession from the United States.

Quote :
MAY I PLEASE THE COURT on this the 18th day of February 2009 in presenting this Complaint for Soverignty from the United States of America on behalf of myself, and/or as well as the Vampyre Nation which I represent

Why would vampires need independence? I thought they already secretly ran the entire world.

Quote :
The Vampyre Nation herein known as -VN, which consist of several territories here in America, as well as in other nations in the world (Russia, Romania, Poland, Germany, South America, Australia...). The VN's primary location is in Tracy City, Tennessee.

Congratulations on finding the only place in the entire country that's less vampire-y than Forks.

Quote :
FEDERAL STATUES SUPPORTING THIS ACTION;
A) The Declaration of Independence (see attachment #1)

Apparently, the Vampyre Nation deserves to be a sovereign nation, because King George dissolved the elected government of Massachusetts.

Quote :
Jonathon is a Sanguinarian Vampyre, as well as a Hecate Witch.

So am I, but you don't hear me bragging about it. Douche.

Quote :
On 10 Mar 08, Jonathon wrote a letter and faxed it directly to President Bush at The White House (Jonathon has had President Bush's direct fax number since getting it from President Bush's brother Jeb Bush in 2001)

"Hello? Jeb? This is George. Who the fuck have you been givin' my fax number to?"

Quote :
The VN has its own form of Government (see the VN's Constitution) which is a monarchy, as well as having appointed/elected leaders. The VN's has; a King (Jonathon), a Queen (Amaya -Jonathon's wife who unfortunately has committed several crimes against the VN(High Treason, Treason, Murder of a member of the Royal Family..., as well as violated several of the Vampyre laws and is scheduled to be tried shortly for her crimes. Upon being found guilty, she will be execute in accordance to Vampyre Law

Yes, I'm sure the government is going to be ALL OVER your request for the right to decide who lives and who dies.

Quote :
The VN has a military. The elite military unit of the VN's Military are known as--Death Dealers.

Seriously, of all the vampire stuff in the world, he picks Underworld?

Quote :
The VN's Military has a weapons deal with Russia (Queen Amaya is Russian)

I thought she was a traitor, scheduled for death.

I'm pretty sure that "Queen Amaya" is the woman that he's in prison for stalking. That's right, he's writing this stuff from jail.

Quote :
The VN is prepared to proceed from the assumption that to be respected by the US, we have to use brute military force to gain our sovereignty and Independence;

Tracy City has been unleashed. The world of men shall fall. For Jonathon's mighty army of gaunt middle white guys with replica katanas has been bred with but a single purpose: to destroy our military, and give our helicopter gunships, stealth bombers, and rocket artillery pause.

What follows after that is a historical argument for the VN's independence, which I just can't bring myself to snark. I know enough history to spend all day at it.

Quote :
Following in the Founding Fathers footsteps, the VN has the right to seek help and support from our allies (Russia)

He has a rather curious hard-on for Russia, does he not?

Quote :
Russia has a history of going after territories it wants.

I'm pretty sure that nobody would give a shit if we actually gave Tennessee to the Russians.

Quote :
A) On 20 Jan 09 Barak Obama was sworn in as the 44th President of the US;

B) Obama is of the Muslim faith;

C) Muslims are the sworn enemies of; Vampyres, Satanists, Witches, and other Kins;

D) Muslims and Vampyres have been at war with each other for centuries;

E) With the fact Obama being of the Muslim faith, neither Jonathon nor the VN expects any better protection for our people's rights;

It's really hard to say something funny about five sentences that are so moronic, that just having them in your brain is physically painful.

Quote :
That the US sponsors the VN for acceptance into the United Nations and NATO

The Russia lovers want to join NATO?

Quote :
That the US gives to the VN a large sum of money (several $100 millions) to aid the VN (like the US has done to other countries) in it's development;

. . . that's so stupid, that I demand reparations. Yes, like for slavery. It's honestly that bad. I can't take it anymore.
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Solitia

Solitia

Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 41
Location : Columbus, Ohio

Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey Empty
PostSubject: Re: Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey   Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey EmptyThu Jun 11, 2009 8:59 pm

Man, this guy is still pushing for that crap? He was pushing at one point for support from the heads of House Kheperu and the Strigoi Vii as well as Don Henrie to back him up in his plight, if I remember correctly. I don't know about anyone but House Kheperu, but I'm surprised he's still trying to succeed from the country. Really, when does it go from being a belief to being something pretty damned crazy? I would say he's a danger to himself and those around him.

He reminds me of a crackpot who was running a site called the United Vampyre Unitarian Pagans or something redundant like that. It makes me wonder if people choose these things because they really fit and are part of who they are or if they choose these things as an excuse and a crutch.

Okay, I'll get off the soapbox. People misrepresenting subcultures I'm familiar with and/or involved with really bothers me.
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Glorfindel

Glorfindel

Join date : 2009-06-10

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PostSubject: Re: Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey   Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 11:10 am

Quote :
D) Muslims and Vampyres have been at war with each other for centuries;

You've no idea how much I'd pay for my current mental image of a muslim and a vampire in armed combat with lightsabers to become real. You really don't.
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Trioculus
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Trioculus

Join date : 2009-06-11
Location : State of Utter Confusion

Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey Empty
PostSubject: Re: Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey   Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 4:30 pm

Quote :
D) Muslims and Vampyres have been at war with each other for centuries;

I'm sure the Assamites would be surprised to hear that. Razz
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KelinciHutan
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KelinciHutan

Join date : 2009-06-03
Age : 36
Location : USS Enterprise

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PostSubject: Re: Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey   Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 4:53 pm

Lysander wrote:
Quote :
Russia has a history of going after territories it wants.
I'm pretty sure that nobody would give a shit if we actually gave Tennessee to the Russians.
Hey! I like Tennessee. My favorite house I've ever lived in is in Tennessee.

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Lysander
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
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Lysander

Join date : 2009-06-10

Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey Empty
PostSubject: Re: Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey   Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 5:49 pm

KelinciHutan wrote:
Lysander wrote:
Quote :
Russia has a history of going after territories it wants.
I'm pretty sure that nobody would give a shit if we actually gave Tennessee to the Russians.
Hey! I like Tennessee. My favorite house I've ever lived in is in Tennessee.

It's too late.

It's been overrun by the undead.
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PostSubject: Re: Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey   Jonathon "The Implaler" Sharkey Empty

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