"Special fangz" to Tara Gilesbie ... (NWS)

I bet she probably only hath telephone and television.

Anyway, how will Enoby react to Draco dying from something he can't die from?

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c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111

It will be.

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“NO!” I screamed.

Deafening everyone in a ten mile radius.

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B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off

What a charming person.

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Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Dumbledore doesn't swing that way. And even if he did, he wouldn't fancy you.

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I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes

Wait, your wrists got all over your clothes? "I chopped my hands off" would be more accurate.

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I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.

Must be a tough steak.

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I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it.

I could.

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Then I looked out the window and screamed…

A Sue-detecting missile was homing in!

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Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

Oh dear god. Snape is a paedo? And Lupin chews pervertedly?

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“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!”

Seeing as she was dressed, they weren't looking at her naked. And as the age of consent is 16 in the UK, the answer to that is "what".

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“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.

His...womb?

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I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

What a lousy shot.

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Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has -

Led an army of preps into Hogwarts!

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“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

There is nothing "little" about Hagrid. Also, he's the gamekeeper.

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This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

Wands can't shoot people...

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Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.

He's half-elephant? I don't even want to think about that one...

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I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

Because we've all been there.

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“Because I LOVE HER!”

Next time on My Immortal: Hagrid/Enoby OTP!

Masticating Lupin is my all-time favourite.

That and telekinesis!Voldemint.

Previously on My Immortal:

B'loody Mary: "Evony, I'm so sorry..."
Evony: "Fuck Off!"

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I wunted 2 adres da ishu!

You failed. Spectacularly.

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hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

Kill the Spare!

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

Stop devaluing suicide.

Besides, vampires can't die from slitting their wrists.

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You could only see his red whites.

Red + White = Pink.

So...you could only see his pinks.

Is that another euphemism?

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I stopped. “How did u know?”

Vampire got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly.

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“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

Wait, didn't he lose his scar? And saw what, exactly? The ending to book 7?

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“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.”

Oh, of course, it's now a gofik scar.

*Headdesk*

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Save me!

Save me from having to appear in this story!

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then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco……………

Was Voldemort involved?

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.Volfemort has him bondage!”

So Voldemort is now using his legilimency telekinesis to send Harry visions of kinky wizard porn.

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Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked.

I recommend Ex-Lax.

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Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

Did he put his you-know-what in yours?

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“Fuck off.” I told him.

Oh, that's nice.

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Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

Yes. Yes, it is.

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“Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

*Headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*...

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“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

Answer 1: It's not a what, it's a who

Answer 2: He's the goffik male character who has sex with Enoby.

Answer 3: Volfemort has him bondage.

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“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

No. Just...no.

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dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY YOU MOTHERFUKER!"


So, after she gets dressed...

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I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!)

This is the cursed videotape from The Ring.

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He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco.

But this isn't a Drampire, it's a Dranobby.

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He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

This will be Hufflepuff's only appearance in this fic. Savour it, people.

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Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

"Ah, Potter, I do believe expulsion is in order." Said Snape, who was covering. "You too, Way."

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“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

You're the one who drops your knickers for every boy who isn't a prep.

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Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….

Haven't we had this already?

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Volfemort has him bondage!”

Which is what Chapter 32 of Goblet of Fire would have been called if Tara had written it.

And here's a pic of Volfemort having someone bondage...

https://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/photo.php?fbid=108560105902188&set=a.107093949382137.14739.107093832715482&type=1&theater


Next time on My Immortal: A goffik plan is launched to rescue Draco!

GeorgeUK wrote:

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

Stop devaluing suicide.

Whu?

GeorgeUK wrote:

Besides, vampires can't die from slitting their wrists.

But it's a silver knife. So maybe they totally can.

Quote :

Quote :

.Volfemort has him bondage!”

So Voldemort is now using his legilimency telekinesis to send Harry visions of kinky wizard porn.

Who's confusing that, the fic or you? Sorry, I can't keep track of this mess.


e: George. Hey, George. I sent you a PM.

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Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me!

Oh dear god. Snape is a paedo?

No, that's Snap, not Snape. Get it right.

But that means one of the Rice Krispies mascots is a paedo! What would Crackle and Pop say?

Previously on My Immortal:

Volfemort (Laughing evilly): "I hath thou bondage now, Draco!"

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im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard

Stealing is wrong.

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Dumbledore came there. "What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.

He still has that headache.

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"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

No, Volfemort has Draco. And he doesn't just have Draco, he has Draco bondage.

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"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway."

A valuable lesson here, kids. If you have sex in the forbidden forest, Dumbledore will abandon you to the mercy of Voldemort. Or one of Voldemort's brothers.

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don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!

No. But then, I don't swing that way. And they wouldn't be attracted to you anyway.

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He took out his wand and did a spell. Then... suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!

Honestly, is Hermione Granger the only person who's ever read Hogwarts: A History?

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We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra" It was... Voldemort!

*Presses Islamophobia alarm*

And what the hell is a "croon voice"?



Next time on My Immortal:

Can Enoby and Vampire rescue Draco from the clutches of Voldemort, Volfemort, Voldemprt and Volsemort?

Of course they can. She's a Sue, remember?

You forgot Vloximort.

And Voldemint! He's like the Baldwin brother nobody even knows exists, but he demands your respect!

Allah Kedavra!

I wonder whether you need to hath telekinesis to cast that spell.

When we last left the the gruesome twosome, they were in Voldemort's lair. Can they escape?

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

Excretion? That's not a problem, I just went.

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We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there.

Instead Volcemort was. Voldemort was probably having lunch at Burger King.

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Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

Leaving Wormtail, the fat guy who killed Sir-not-appearing-in-this-trash Cedric, with a clear shot.

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"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail.

I bet she does.

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I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard."

Pass the swear box. At this rate there'll be enough in there to afford a week in Blackpool.

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"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort.

Dying.

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Then... he started coming!

Wait, he was looking at Page 3* during all this?

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He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

Well, If he has a you-know-what I suppose it may make some sense if he ends up giving birth.

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"Its so unfair!" I yielded.

Still, for all her faults, she does obey the Yield sign at Railroad crossings.

Except she's a Sue, so the trains probably stop for her.

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I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco.

Despite the fact that we have not seen one prep even kissing, let alone engaging in sexual activity.

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"Im good at too many things!

Another classic Sue trait.


Next time on My Immortal: Nothing you haven't seen in this before.

*Page 3 is the third page (obviously) of British tabloid newspaper (or comic, if you prefer) The Sun. It is known for featuring a picture of a topless girl, aged between 18 and 25.

Heehee, viewer excretion. I love that. Also Voldemort speaking in bad faux-Elizabethan.

Chapter 15 folks! And from here on in, the plot gets stranger and stranger...

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"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

No, don't!

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He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire.

So as well as a Sue, she's a Drampire fangirl.

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I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters.

She must spend more on clothes in a day than Bill Gates makes in a year.

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I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!

That's some pretty strange Biology.

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Then... he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class!

Damn, Hogwarts must be the only school not to give detention for singing in class.

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we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch)

Then why do you compare yourself to her?

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Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.

The suspense is killing me. Will the concert go without a hitch? Or will Voldemort disrupt it?


Next time on My Immortal: Voldemort turns out to be Enoby's father.

unskilled78 wrote:

We should snark this. It would be like translating Hamlet "back" into Klingon, or the Lolcats bible...

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

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fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!

She should have taught you English first...also, isn't Britney a prep name?

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We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,... Volsemort and da Death Dealers!

I know those guys! They were on Top of the Pops on Wednesday!

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"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them"

Wait, you mean when Dumblydor busted you having sex in the forest and swore at you?

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"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT."

Some boyfriend he is if he goes on a date with his girlfriend and brings an escort girl with him.

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B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak."

"Kawai." I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

There's nothing cuter than murder and necrophilia. I guess they go "awwwwwww cute" when Crimewatch is on.

And talking in silence? Oh yeah...Facebook chat.

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already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.

Which I'd imagine is in far better shape than her credit card.

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My head snaped up.

Snape, Snape, Severus Snape...sing along everybody!

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Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!)

Vampire. Vampire Vampire Vampire Vampire Vampire Vampire Vampire.

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The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs."

So Enoby doesn't have these. So, she's not a real goff. So...SHE'S A PREP!

Also, by being hotter than Gerard Way, the salesperson has broken the universe. Just like typing Google into Google will break the internet.

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"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked.

Just then the manager walked up. "Underringing, are you? You're FIRED!" he said.

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ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?

Changed her name by deed poll I see.

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"Tom Rid."

Wow, Voldemort's getting even bolder than usual.

Sorry about the necromancy, but it has been drawn to my attention that Man Without a Body (the person who did that amazing reading of Legolas by Laura) has uploaded a dramatic reading of this as well now:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZMDUNMo3zU

Even though I'm now convinced that this story is a troll (either that or she's very drunk), this is funny!

Chapter 17, after a long hiatus.

u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage.

Q: Doo u valoo gramer? a) yess b) no

If u answeard a) den get oot of her u fukin prepz!


Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!

So it seems the author's a thief. Where's the shopkeeper from Link's Awakening when you need him?


Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free.

At least, that's what she told the store detective.


He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual).




She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.



I'm getting echoes of Becoming Female chapter 1 here.


Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came.

Those two have very, very odd tastes. Or maybe Diabolo's just sexist.


Draco was wearing black leather pants

We have a trope drop! Cue whatever it was last time a trope was dropped.




B’loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola.

Can you buy Dracola at B'loody Mart?

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Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires.

Unfortunately, they fell into the freezer at Tesco and were impaled on the steaks.


They dyed in a car crash

I'm pretty sure you shouldn't dye things at the wheel.


Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth.

Oh no, he's turned emo...

Once you go goth, the preps can FECK OFF! DRINK! ARSE! GIRLS!


We did pot, coke and crak.

Enoby describes her brainstorming sessions to a T.


Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix

And he was even sexier than Tom Rid?


Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn’t Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came.

Bloody hell, now they both have a crush on Voldemort!


It was…….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!

Vlodemort and da Death Deelers are live at the O2 arena on Saturday April 13th.


“U moronic idiots!” he shooted angstily

Great, even Voldemort's turning emo now.


“Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Draco!”




“No no please!” We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

I guess Wizard Hitler prefers to use muggle methods.


Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick.

And the Express went with "DID DUMBLEDORE'S BROOMSTICK HAVE BIRD FLU?"


e had lung black hair and a looong black bread

So his weapon of choice is a baguette?


He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…………………………………DUMBLYDORE!

Yippee-kai-yay, motherfukers!

Just a quick note to say that this has now been introduced to my gaming group..."Ludacris fools!" is now the most commonly quoted line, and it just takes one person to say it to trigger off a barrage of random MI quotes.

Troll or no, Tara Gillespie really has created quite a phenomenon with this! It is probably the most successful fanfiction ever.

Also, check out the comic here (this is seriously fucking hilarious!!!)

http://my-immortal.smackjeeves.com/