"Special fangz" to Tara Gilesbie ... (NWS)

Chapter 4 people. And yes, that quote. Thank god it's short.

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I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY

And thus we have the first misspelling of Enoby's name. Even funnier considering it was spelt correctly only two words before.

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Maybe this might have been to hint at what was coming at the end of the chapter. You know, like "a task most of my followers would give their right hands to perform."

Or maybe she just has a foul mouth.

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he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

YAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! *Splat*

OK, Maybe not. But that would have been credible, with all the beer they drank.

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which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

Sorrow tends to be depressing. Unless, of course, you're a horrible pink toad who every single HP fan despises with a passion.

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And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.

Isn't snogging someone you've just met, on a whim, sexual assault?

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Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

Let's just take a break here. This fic will go on to feature firearms, suicide, paedophilia, perverted chewing, nonconsensual bondage, necrophilia, rape, dogging, more nonconsensual bondage, casual use of the unforgivables and abuse of the English language. And yet the author censors the names for reproductive organs.

Obvious troll is obvious?

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Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm.

£5 says she's faking.

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"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!

There we have it. The moment everything changed. This fic's equivalent of "Kill the Spare".

Although, him saying that when he arrived at the DoM would have been hilarious.


Tune in next time for perhaps the only in-character moment in the entire fic!

GeorgeUK wrote:

Isn't snogging someone you've just met, on a whim, sexual assault?

Not if she was wearing a miniskirt.

And now, Chapter 5.

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Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok

Ah yes. Remember when he had that headache after the third task and strode into the graveyard swearing his head off?

No? Of course not, because Dumbledore does not use foul language. I do, but I'm not Dumbledore.

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He kept shouting at us angrily.

Considering he caught you at it in an area full of things that would have deep-fried you for supper, you got off lightly.

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I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face

I'd go to the hospital wing. You could have ebola.

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Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

IN-CHARACTER MOMENTS? In My Immortal? You heard it right, folks; two very strict teachers angry at a severe breach of rules.

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And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

No Lecture? No Detention? No 5,000 point deduction?

*Checks fanfic title* Oh, of course not. Silly me.

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I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there.

How did he get past the stairs changing into the slide?


There we have it folks. Would another user be willing to pick up the slack for a chapter or two? I doubt I could survive the whole thing.

Previously on "My Immortal"...

Draco: "Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade"

Enoby: "Oh Draco! Your thingie feels so good inside my you-know-what!"

Dumbledore: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

McGonagall: "You mediocre dunces!"

So, as you have guessed, we've had "goffikness", G-rated intercourse, and M-rated everything else. Here comes chapter 6.

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I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

The two places you will find broken promises: My Immortal and the House of Commons.

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The next day I woke up in my coffin.

Buried in the Little Hangleton graveyard, while up above, Harry and Voldemort high-fived each other.

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I spray-painted my hair with purple.

Resulting in it sticking out all over the place. And lead poisoning.

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I ate some Count Chocula cereal

Not sold in the UK, so it must have cost a fortune to import it.

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and a glass of red blood.

As opposed to green blood.

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I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.

Dennis the Menace? What did she do to you?

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He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face

When you've gotta go... *Audience boos*

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He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.

I don't like the sound of that. Luckily, I came prepared. *Produces bottle of Scotch*

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He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

http://www.frontrowreviews.co.uk/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/harry-potter111.jpg

http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2008/database/joelmadden/joelmadden300.jpg

Spot the difference. Shouldn't be too hard.

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He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

Are you SURE you didn't get one?

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“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

Sorry, looks like something more potent is needed! *Produces a larger bottle of Scotch*

Proceed.

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“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

He obviously hasn't read the first chapter. Says quite clearly: "I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white."

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Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

Next time on My Immortal:

"Surprise!" said Draco as he boned young Enoby up the ass.

GeorgeUK wrote:

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and a glass of red blood.

As opposed to green blood.

Well, yeah, if you think importing Count Chocula to the UK is expensive, try importing blood from Vulcan. I don't even know if Gringott's deals in gold pressed latinum, either.

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He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

I swear, if anyone goes OH NO YOU DI'INT JUST BRING MY WET DREAMS INTO THIS!!!!! LEAVE BRITNEY JOEL ALONE!!!!, I'll have to hurt someone.

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“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

"They call me Badass."
"Yeah? Well I've killed people."
"AUGH DON'T HURT ME!!!"

GeorgeUK wrote:

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Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

Next time on My Immortal:

"Surprise!" said Draco as he boned young Enoby up the ass.

Yelled. He yelled.

Previously on My Immortal:

Harry Vampire: "My name's Harry Potter, but most people call me Vampire these days."

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I got 5 god reviuws

Up in Heaven...

God: "Operator, could you put me through to Satan, please? Yeah, it's God here. Listen, could you make Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's-yeah, I mean Tara Gilesbie's hell really pink with American Eagle apparel everywhere? You can? That's great."

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Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed

Time to bring out the Mary Sue checklist...

[X] Perfect in every way

[X] Makes other characters act OOC

[X] Has a problematic past

We've got ourselves a Mary sue all right. Send out the Sue Squad!

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish

Sure that's nail polish? Sounds more like superglue.

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I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.

Well, that's just tough ti...ddlywinks. This is a...let's say...Dravony, not a Drampire.

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We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

Badly written G-rated sex in 5...4...3...2...1...

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We started frenching passively

Looks like you need to see other people.

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Then I took off my black leather bra

"Evony in leather bra"? Haven't heard of that trope before. Must cause a lot of chafing.

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We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

Wait...she has a boy's thingie? So...he can put his penis in her penis? Even by My Immortal standards, that sex scene makes no sense whatsoever!

And to answer your question...No. It is more than stupid. It is officially worse than Battlefield Earth.

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I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm.

The Dark Mark! Or not, because that would be Canon, and we can't have any stupid Canon in this, can we?

Especially since in Canon, Malfoy's a prep.

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I was so angry.

Yes, how dare he go out with someone else before he met you!

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“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

The Mary Sue knows too much! Whack her! I want her sleeping with the fishes!

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“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

Not just one AID, but loads of them!

Also, considering that this is the second time you've had unprotected sex in as many days, combined with drinking blood, you're a fine one to talk.

I think there's something I've forgotten...oh yes. *Presses Homophobia alarm*

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Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.

Doesn't the "thingie" go into the "you-know-what"? I guess she really did get an erection when she saw Vampire.

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I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

Interrupting one of Snape's lessons? She should be glad it isn't Umbridge.

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“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.

Next time on My Immortal:

"Miss Way, I do believe expulsion is in order.*" said Snape.



*Free cookie to anyone who can tell me which Harry Potter game that line originally came from.

What I love in that chapter is how Draco is running up and down the halls nude and no one really seems to care. Then again seeing what the rest of the goffix cast does during this story....

You know, the biggest thing that always bothered me about My Immortal was the way "Goth" and "Prep" kept getting thrown around. Those words don't mean what the "author" thinks they mean... (Though it might be a troll-fic, so I'm not too upset by this.)

Previously on My Immortal:

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

It's chapter 8 time!

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stop flassing ok!

But I like having nice teeth.

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“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly

"I'm actually Fenrir Greyback!"

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My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.

Here's an understatement: My Immortal is below-par.

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She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.

Waste-length? Does that mean her hair finishes in the dustbin?

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Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.

Head, meet desk. Desk, meet head. I want you to get acquainted.

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“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!”

I've got to start using that phrase.

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“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.

You never even went out with Vampire!

So we then inexplicably switch to Not Draco's POV and...

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He had gone through horrible problems,

He was contractually obligated to appear in this fic.

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“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed.

"Miss Way, that is a week's detention," said Canon Snape, only for MyImmortal!Snape to stun him.

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I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest

I thought that only the staircases and suits of armour moved around at Hogwarts.

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where I had lost my virility to Draco

I guess we can confirm that she does have a boy's thingie and did indeed get an erection when she saw Vampire.


Next time on My Immortal:

Evony heard a high, cold, cruel, preppy voice say, "Kill the Sue."

Trioculus wrote:

GeorgeUK wrote:

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and a glass of red blood.

As opposed to green blood.

Well, yeah, if you think importing Count Chocula to the UK is expensive, try importing blood from Vulcan. I don't even know if Gringott's deals in gold pressed latinum, either.

I'd buy that. Make a fortune on the goffik black market.

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My friend B’loody Mary Smith

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waste-length gothic black hair

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I had lost my virility to Draco

Hey, I'm not up to date on this thing; we weren't still wondering whether this was a trollfic, right?

I think people have pretty much determined that it is a trollfic, yes. One of epic proportions that took quite a while to bring to life (I think she had some LJ accounts that went way back before she ever posted this monstrosity), but a trollfic nonetheless.

I can't believe anyone would actually write crap like this in all seriousness.

The Scientist wrote:

I can't believe anyone would actually write crap like this in all seriousness.

Oh?

Chapter 9.

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I dntn red all da boox!

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dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!

*Leaves desk, watches the first four films, returns to desk*

As Dumbledore didn't utter a single curse word in the films either, I conclude that, in fact, it is your fault.

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and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!

Snape never liked Harry in the first place. Even if you dntn red all da boox, the films still show it.

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I was so mad and sad.

And that's bad.

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Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything

Everything of what?

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He didn’t have a nose

Must...resist...urge...to...make...Michael...Jackson...joke...ah, dammit.

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and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was……

Gilderoy Lockhart!

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Voldemort!

Close enough.

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“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.

That is one nasty cat.

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“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

Apparently he's now a dedicated Shakespearian actor.


So, after she FINALLY realises what Not Draco meant...

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Voldemort gave me a gun.

Good thing he didn't have it in the graveyard.

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“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

He read the first eight chapters before coming here.

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Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.

I suppose it was better than "I hath television".

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He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit)

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I expelled.

Students don't expel, they get expelled. Which should happen to you.




Next time on My Immortal: We meet a band that makes Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black look tolerable.

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I expelled.

....she expelled what? Her eggs? Blood? Lunch? Because when I hear some say they expelled something, I think this:

Dang, why is this still so funny? This fic... phew.

grmblfjx wrote:

The Scientist wrote:

I can't believe anyone would actually write crap like this in all seriousness.

Oh?

Yeah, but it's not that epically craptacular, though. You can tell the difference: this girl from the link is trying to be artistic but sucks.

"Tara" did all she could to suck at every possible level, and put in as many (un)intentionally funny typos as would fit the page. I don't think it can be for real.

The Scientist wrote:

"Tara" did all she could to suck at every possible level, and put in as many (un)intentionally funny typos as would fit the page. I don't think it can be for real.

No, I agree this is a trollfic. That doesn't mean they're not dedicated- we had a forum member who trolled us for, dunno, six months at least, set up multiple internet personas to do so, and then became our fucking admin, meaning she could fuck us forward and backwards, closing people out of their accounts, playing everyone against the middle, and didn't stop until the goons on SA developed an interest in her. She was super-invested, maintaining several active accounts and writing badfic all at the same time.
And for what? To troll.


Extended version is here.

Boy howdy.


Some people need a new hobby, eh?

Previously on My Immortal:

"I hath telekinesis"

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stup it u gay fags

*Presses homophobia alarm*

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she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

The moving industry: More evil than the RIAA.

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.

Looks like Dobby was wrong in Chamber of Secrets. Voldemort has got a brother!

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gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666

I'd rather listen to a Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black duet.

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Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)

Isn't Ron supposed to be evil in badfic? Well, it makes a change if he isn't a Death Eater.

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a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that)

Earlier in this chapter...

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say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR

FAIL.

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I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt.

Sounds like she's dressed for a Friday night in Newcastle.

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“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.

Pass the swear box, somebody.

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I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

Were people crying, by any chance?

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Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily!

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

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His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

Maybe he got a parking ticket.

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“Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

Earlier in this chapter...

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I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak)

To violate HP canon is bad enough, but to violate your own canon...that's really bad.


Next time on My Immortal: We meet another popular character. But, as always, there's a catch...

GeorgeUK wrote:

Previously on My Immortal:

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say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR

FAIL.

Putting to things together would be crossing them. Three things would be a mix.

But this surpasses that and goes straight to clusterfuck.

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tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt.

Simple Plan? Fucking teenage angsty whiny-

oh, I get it. Carry on.

GeorgeUK wrote:

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a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that)

Earlier in this chapter...

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say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR

FAIL.

Continuity errors in My Immortal? Why, I'm... not really all that surprised.

She fails her own canon? Doth she not have telekinesis?