Ridiculous book covers

Thought I'd revive the old topic from HoBFF about shitty book covers. After all, a lot of times you can judge a book -- be it a comic, a novel, a magazine, or a fanzine -- by its cover.

So to kick things off, some crappy romance novel covers.

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Well, at least we now know where Tommy Wiseau got the idea to do his girl in the bellybutton.

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Is anyone's idea of "perfection" a bizarre melding of the aforementioned Wiseau and Christopher Meloni?

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Eek! Wolverine moonlights as a gay romance cover boy! What will Phoenix and Emma Frost say?

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That's right, lady, you grope those man-titties!

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Her legs are over his head, but her hands are on his waist...OK, I have no idea what's going on.

And to close out for the moment, Spock be bling-blingin' it, yo!
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Come on, let's get back to giving bad covers the bruising they deserve!

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He looks like he's about to take a bite out of her navel.

Those discreet young gentlement aren't very discreet, are they? They're humping in full view of that carriage in the background. In fact, I like to imagine that the driver stopped just so he could enjoy the show.

Azzandra wrote:

Those discreet young gentlement aren't very discreet, are they? They're humping in full view of that carriage in the background. In fact, I like to imagine that the driver stopped just so he could enjoy the show.

There's also the fact that the redhead looks like he's smuggling a pillow in his pants. I haven't seen a codpiece that outsized since Battlefield Earth.

Speaking of anatomically incorrect redheads, here's Red Monika from the comic book Battle Chasers:
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This was meant to be Joe Madureira's way of spoofing how women in comics are drawn. The joke ended up being on him, because there were actually guys who were turned on by this.

No, I can't explain it, either.

That's the trouble with parody. Doing something ironically only works when people share your sense of irony. To everyone else, you're just doing it.

A few weeks ago, in a trivia contest, I learned that sex with an armpit was called bagpiping. I tried not to think about that or how it would work. Curse you, MCB, for reminding me.

Penguin wrote:

That's the trouble with parody. Doing something ironically only works when people share your sense of irony. To everyone else, you're just doing it.

Lampshading helps.

Really, the best parodies require actual wit, which most authors trying to do it don't have, but at least some effort in highlighting the issues must be made or you're impossible to distinguish from the real thing. See: Poe's Law.

Quote :

Eek! Wolverine moonlights as a gay romance cover boy! What will Phoenix and Emma Frost say?

Am I the only person who thinks the other guy kind've looks like Gambit?

Did you know that dragons have steering wheels? Neither did I, until this artist was kind enough to illustrate it. It is also notable for the dragons holding their legs like hovercat.

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Speaking of cats... Ewwwwwwww[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
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And here we have a book that fails for kerning and font alone:
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Is that last one a real book or is it intended as a parody?

Re: Red Monica

1) She's a parody of Red Sonja, I assume?

2) Jhonen Vasquez did it better. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Sakurelf wrote:

Re: Red Monica

1) She's a parody of Red Sonja, I assume?

Not really. More a parody of the Jim Balent/Steven Hughes/Rob Liefeld school of "bigger tits = sexier" that ruled in the 1990s. She's more of a goofy thief than a barbarian.

And because we haven't had enough suckage just yet:

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Breastfeeding: you're doing it wrong!!!!

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"I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit, I did not hit her. I DID NOOOOOOOOOOOOT. Oh, hi, Mark!"

And now, some more crap from the court jester of love men, Fabio Lanzoni...

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More like "Feel the vacancy of his blank stare!"

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Actually, with one look, he lets you know he has absolutely nothing going on upstairs.

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"Duh...I have the power...I guess. By the way, are my pits done airing out yet?"

As to the bonus Fabio centerfolds...I've seen them. They're semi-naked two-page spreads of him, and it's just as traumatizing as it sounds. Be glad I'm not linking to them.

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This thing.

Kommandar wrote:

This thing.

This makes me feel as sexually confused as after I watched Rocky Horror for the first time.

Kommandar wrote:

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This thing.

He looks like he's in the middle of a flying leap into the other guy's lap.

What was the one with a guy in orange speedos, hanging from a rope around his waist, spying on two lesbians through a window?

Cyberwulf wrote:

Is that last one a real book or is it intended as a parody?

It's real. Very real. I found a review that includes some quotes from the book.

Quote :

As to the bonus Fabio centerfolds...I've seen them. They're semi-naked two-page spreads of him, and it's just as traumatizing as it sounds. Be glad I'm not linking to them.

Oh, but we insist.

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But you can't inherent people.

All I can offer is this:

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I happen to have an original copy available, though I don't have a scanner. The book explains how the author has researched the bible and used numerological studies to find that the end times will occur between 1896 and 1908. I'm not sure why, but I find the book hilarious. Especially with the proper cover that also promises over fifty illustrations!

EDIT: I'll just have to scan this sucker.

M J Pearson has really bad luck with covers: I offer this one, "The Price of Temptation." It's not quite as bad as for Discreet Young Gentleman, but it's pretty bad.
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I have read both the Price of Temptation and Discreet Young Gentleman, and they're actually not as bad as the cover would lead you to believe they're going to be. They're also not as full of the sex thing as the cover leads you to believe, either.

Clearly Price of Temptation is about a young man coming to terms with the crippling condition of elephantitis of the groin, and the kneeling fellow in black must be his physician. What other conclusion could I possibly come to from seeing that cover?

KeyserSoze wrote:

Clearly Price of Temptation is about a young man coming to terms with the crippling condition of elephantitis of the groin, and the kneeling fellow in black must be his physician. What other conclusion could I possibly come to from seeing that cover?

Both of those books make the guy look like he's either stuffed something in his pants or has an abnormality of his reproductive organs.

KeyserSoze wrote:

All I can offer is this:

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I happen to have an original copy available, though I don't have a scanner. The book explains how the author has researched the bible and used numerological studies to find that the end times will occur between 1896 and 1908. I'm not sure why, but I find the book hilarious. Especially with the proper cover that also promises over fifty illustrations!

EDIT: I'll just have to scan this sucker.

So this guy was a proto-Harold Camping, then?

Here's what a jaunt through some bad sci-fi covers wrought:

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When leprechauns join the Third Reich!

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I have no idea what this is, but it does look swishy.

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Paul McCartney's experiment with blond hair didn't go quite as planned.

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This is why you should never let animals carry the Olympic Torch.

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I've heard of "firecrotch," but never "fireworkscrotch."

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Now we have "sparklecrotch." Edward Cullen must be jealous.