ArchAngel: Captain America/Bat Man/Wolverine goes Yiffing iiiinn Spaaacee

For my first snark here, I thought I would go for something special. I bring you: Being From a different galaxy

Chapter 1 is a prologue. Most prologues would start out with the OC thinking about himself or his situation or something to ease us into the character. What does this one start out with? muthafuckin' World War 3.

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Earth was in total darkness, bodies lay on the ground, gun fire could be heard in all directions, and Korea seemed like they were about to win.

Yes, Korea is apparently taking over the world.

Spoiler:

When did they become one country again? Why? On whose terms? What is their beef with the whole fucking world? EXPLAIN, FURRY, EXPLAIN!

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All the technology in the world could not have prepared itself from Korea's new discovered technology; their weaponry seemed to be alien, no one had ever seen a weapon that could instantly vaporise twenty soldiers at once with no sign of a corpse. All hope seemed lost, the entire world was trembling with fright, and the world had accepted defeat.

What's the point of vaporizing a body when you can just riddle them with a machine gun. I could understand the psychological effect, but that's not going to conquer the world when you're outnumbered thousands to one.

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Before the U.S could surrender, an unlikely alley entered the war, and aided the U.S and their allies.

Diagon Alley? Seriously, Wizards going to war on the side of Muggles could actually be interesting fanfic, with all the culture shock and sudden exposure to new ideas and-

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China had entered the U.S with a whole load of soldiers

Seriously? A World-Wide War and the only country with a direct land border to the primary belligerent power (unless the whole world decided to dog-pile on Korea for some reason), as well as the one with the single largest army, and they weren't even involved!?!?

Oh, and the phasers that Korea apparently has? China has better versions. Because when you think "Bleeding Edge research into directed energy weapons", think Communist Dictatorships.

China manages to scare Korea off from much of its conquered territory and then enters into a contract with the League of Nations to make the World a better Place (What China gets out of not just siding with Korea is never mentioned.)

Oh, and China and the US begin trying to create Super Soldiers. Because Why not?

All the super-soldier attempts end in failure until the half-mangled body of a soldier is brought in. They have a machine that can apparently fix a completely ravaged body in a mere two days and they offer him the choice to be rebuilt to get revenge on the Koreans.

Spoiler:

So, he's injected with "various liquids" and locked in "a room" when this happens:

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The man fell to the ground and began to spaz out, screaming in agony the scientists believed he was going to die. The man's heart gave way and his mental patterns stopped. The man was no longer breathing and the scientists determined he was dead, two guards entered the room to dispose of the corpse, a scientist in the observation room, jumped with fright as the sensors displayed heart rate and mental patterns coming from the corpse.

By the Power of Plot Contrivance, I HAVE THE POWER!

So, he escapes, displays the ability to dodge "every built[sic]" that the security guards shoot at him until this happens:

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One man armed with a sword, swung his sword at the man. The man grabbed his arm as it almost hit him, and broke it with one hand. The swordsman dropped to the floor and the man picked up the sword.

Did they sub-contract guard duties to the fucking Klingons? Why does this guard have a sword when his compatriots have guns?

Anywho, a man pronounces him a success and sends our protagonist "Jessy" on a mission on the Eastern border of the US.

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Jessy had been flying in a helicopter about twenty miles away from the shore, they were high in the sky and the enemy didn't spot them. "All right Jessy, your parachute is hanging on the..." the pilot was cut off, when gun fire was hitting the copter. "Fuck the parachute." Jessy said as he dove out of the helicopter.

I guess one could say he's making.... a Leap of Faith.

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Jessy used his sword as a stabilizer and banked left and right, avoiding the bullets and missiles.

Because you can do that.

once on the ground, Jessy knifes a guard and steals his uniform, then sneaks into the enemy command center and a really dull action scene insues.

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Jessy was noticed by the guards and the commander. "And who might you be?" the commander asked. Jessy grabbed his sword and drew it out. The guard pulled out their guns and aimed at Jessy. "Did, you really think that you could kill us all by yourself? You Americans must be mad." The commander laughed. "Open Fire!" the commander ordered. As the guards opened fire on Jessy, they were shocked to see Jessy dodged the bullets and watched as he killed the guards. The commander never saw such power and speed. "What are you?" the commander asked as Jessy had the end of his blade to the commander's throat. "I'm an Archangel; you are under arrest, for invading America, killing innocent people and declaring war. You will sign your surrender or be killed." Jessy said as he reached into his bag. He pulled out a file and opened it up; as Jessy did he placed the file on the table. "Sit down." Jessy ordered. The commander sat down and Jessy turned the monitor in the room on and Matt showed up on the screen. "Well, I see Jessy did a thorough job, good work soldier." Matt said. The commander signed his surrender and the guards ran into the room. "Too late boys, you've surrendered." Jessy said as he pulled the commander out of his seat.

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A month after WW3, China kept to their agreement and shared their technology, Korea was punished; they were not allowed to use any weapons and their nukes were dismantled.

Because that's Never caused any problems

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the League of Nations bestowed upon Jessy, war hero and a new honour made for him, 'Archangel first class'. It was the highest honour given to his special type of soldiers.

Hooray for a totally meaningless award!
He's the only one to survive the procedure.

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Days turned to months, months turned to years, and the world flourished with the new technology China had gave the world. (It now looked like the world of Futureama. Though there were no aliens.)

I'm just going to let that stand on its own.

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Jessy showed no signs of breaking down and the scientists checked him regularly to see if his body would fail. Luckily it didn't, they determined Jessy's DNA was fused perfectly with the injection and he would live a full and happy life.

Hooray for miraculously successful for a single case medical procedures!

Well, that's the end of chapter 1. Tune in next time for actually going to the universe this is supposedly fanfiction for.

Spoiler:

Apparently this crapthor doesn't realize that North Korea is a militaristic state with an inept and idiotic ruler who fakes having a dick so he can swing his big 'weapons' around so he can get more aid from the UN so that he and his cronies can eat while his people starve.

No one owns a car that isn't part of the government or elite.

And there is no fucking way that NK can take over anything larger than the Douche Bag of the Year Award.

This thread is a beautiful thing. Love the Nostalgia Critic references :'D

And that Futurama thing...can Zoidberg please show up in this fic? Maybe instead of Star Fox? Please?
Wait...I would actually read this fic if Zoidberg was the new super soldier and it was up to him to save the world.

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(It now looked like the world of Futureama.

And that's supposed to be a good thing?

Chapter 2

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Everyone thanked Jessy for his efforts and his triumph

Spoiler:

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Jessy was the world's hero and that was not about to change. No one had left him alone after the war; fan girls chased him, he received special treatment from everyone

And I'm imagining some fat unshaven sod masturbating furiously into his Krystal plush toy "And I'd have a parade with ticker tape and balloons and girls wouldn't be able to complain that I smell and my teachers would all be proud of me and I wouldn't have to pay Blockbuster late fees..."

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the government officials had hired stalkers to watch Jessy's every move.

That's right, he's so pathetic they need to pay stalkers to obsess over him.

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Jessy had made his point very clear to everyone, after a girl had tried to seduce him despite his age. Jessy wanted to live a normal life, but he knew he couldn't, so he disappeared without a trace.

(Emphasis Mine)
How old is he? Was it a problem because she was underage? If we assumed the OC was literally an Author Insert, he'd be 16. Maybe that's it?

We cut to three years later and our hero is apparently living on Outset Island

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As the sun rose in the east, its light whipped the darkness of night from the sky. As the morning began, children's laughter could be heard in a small village close to the shore. Children began running around the front yards, laughing and playing with their neighbours, dogs barked indicating they were hungry and adults began to fix up breakfast. Soon the light covered a house that overlooked the village and the sea, as the light shone through an open window; it brightened the room and woke a young man.

Psst: If you want to stay disappeared without a trace, try not living in a house that dominates a village. People tend to have cell phones.

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"Computer, time and date please." The man said. "Time: 6:30 AM Date: 16th January, 3080. Good morning Master Jessy." The computer replied.

So, apparently this fanfic takes place more than a thousand years in the future and this is the first hint of it.

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"Do you wish to listen to one of your songs Master?" The computer asked. "Yes please." "Anything in mind Master or should I select one from your playlist?" the computer asked. "Actually, I feel like an oldie today, play: The good life by Three Days Grace please." "As you wish master.

Lyrics for said song are apparently reproduced below. I have no idea why. Did you think your audience was too stupid to go and look up the lyrics or a youtube version of the song, given the name of the song and the band that produced it?

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Jessy had entered the bathroom and placed his clothes onto the counter. As he stripped off, the song started to play, and Jessy had hoped into the shower.

Am I the only one who thought that was really weird use of pluperfect?

So, he takes a shower, gets dressed, and gets a phone call. It's his old superior officer, they chat, it appears that mankind is just now exploring Mars and there are aliens loose on mars killing everyone. You know it's a bad Star Fox fanfic when you're reminded of Halo and Doom before you're reminded of Star Fox.

Oh, and apparently his top secret "I don't want the world to find me" hidey-hole is less than 2 hours drive from New York City.

Apparently, they didn't see eye to eye because of the whole rigamole between personhood and Army property thing that every fucking super-soldier has problems with, so Jessy smashed his Corvette (Which just reminds me of another Jerk-Stu destroying a hundreds of years old antique for no good reason)

He gets to the base and it's heavily implied that Jessy and Matt (his apparent CO) are family. He goes into the base and it's all chaotic and a woman runs up to him and tells him to see "Commander Matt", Jessy tells her to go sleep the rest of the day because she's out of breath (Because it's not like there's apparently some sort of emergancy going on or anything, but she insists on at least taking him to Commander Matt.

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The elevator arrived really quickly and the doors swung open. Jessy stepped into the elevator and surprisingly the woman did as well. "Oh shit, now what? If she so much as tries to come onto me I will stop this elevator and give her one hell of a lecture." Jessy thought to himself so the woman couldn't hear him.

Yes, that is generally why one thinks.
And I looooove how the first reason he imagines a woman getting in an elevator with him is to jump his bones. She couldn't be just doing her fucking job, you walking argument for post-birth abortion.
But, it turns out she knows him and he eventually remembers her and she bitches that

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"I haven't had a break in three weeks, and after you left Commander Matt laid a ton of paper work on me."

Because it's not like you're apparently in some sort of alien invasion or anything.

Bladdly-bladdly bla "Jessy, I am your father", turns out that Matt accidentally had Jessys stupid brother killed and so Jessy decides killing the commander in the middle of the base would be a good idea and is held down by 5 soliders and more bitching is exchanged. End result: He's going to pretend he has no father and do the mission "his way". Said mission being escorting scientists to Mars.

From the Authors Note:

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please from now on BE NICER! I almost threw my laptop across the room when I read the last two reviews, you may say they are not flames, but face it: THEY ARE FLAMES! Please leave reviews, any more of those reviews like the last two are required to be PMs from now on. Thank you.

Summary: WHaaaaaa, You dun liek mah storree, so STFU. Plez suk mah e-cok wif nise refews.